Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are getting ready for the flight to London and Monica comes running in. MonicaYou guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There could be traffic! The plane could leave early! When we get to London, there could be a line at customs! Come on!! (She runs back to her apartment.)
ChandlerSix-hour trip to London. That's a lot of Monica.
JoeyWhat do you got there?
ChandlerCondoms, dude!
Joey (Looks at the box)How come the writing is in Spanish?
ChandlerDon't read my condoms!
[Cut to the girls' apartment, Monica is putting things into her purse as Phoebe and Rachel watch.]
MonicaPassport, check! (As she puts away each item, she says check.) Camera, check! Traveller's cheques, check!
RachelWho are you saying "check" too?
MonicaMyself. You know for remembering you've packed a thing. Yeah, you do a good thing, you get a, check! (Pause) My mom does it, I never realised it was weird.
PhoebeHey, my mom used to put her head in the oven. Well, actually, she only did it the one time. But, it was pretty weird.
Ross(Entering) Hey!
RossHey! Are you ready yet?
MonicaYep! You got the tickets?
RossOh! Got 'em right here, (Pats his coat pocket) check!
[Cut to the guys' apartment.]
JoeyIt's all London, baby! Here we go. (He takes a picture of a less than enthused Chandler and starts towards the girls' apartment.)
ChandlerYou got your passport?
JoeyYeah, in my third drawer on my dresser. You don't want to lose that.
(Chandler glares at him. At first Joey doesn't know why, it takes him a little bit to figure it out.)
JoeyOhh!! (Runs to his room.)
ChandlerThere it is. Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, Monica is telling Phoebe where everything is. MonicaOk, if you need the vacuum, it's in my closet on the left-hand side, ok? Ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator...
PhoebeOk, ok, but um, Rachel's gonna be here too, can't I just ask her the stuff?
MonicaYeah, ok, give that a try!
Chandler(Entering, with Joey) All right! Let's do it!
RossYeah, cheerio!
JoeyLondon baby!
ChandlerOk, 'cause that's not gonna get annoying.
Joey(louder) London baby!!
ChandlerHey, you know what? I was wrong.
RossWell, we're all here! I guess we should get going!
PhoebeOhhh, I wanna come over there and give you a hug and wish you luck on your wedding, but I don't-can't get up.
RossOh, I'll-I'll come hug you.
PhoebeGreat! Yeah, could you bring me the newspaper?
RossYeah. (He does so and Phoebe hugs him.)
PhoebeThanks. Have a great wedding!
PhoebeOh, hey, Chandler I wanna hug you too!
ChandlerHey! (Trots over)
PhoebeOh, and great! You might as well bring me my book, it's on the counter in your apartment.
ChandlerOh. (Goes and gets Phoebe's book as Rachel comes in from her room.)
Ross(to Rachel) So, we're off.
RachelHave fun!
RossThanks! (They hug.) Ugh, I can't believe you're not gonna be there!
RachelOh, I know.
RossSo, so, come! Why don't you come?
RossTo London! Come to London. Please? It'll mean so much to me.
RachelYeah, well, I gotta work, I'm sorry.
RossWhy-why can't you take a couple of days off? RachelBecause, I can't! Ross, I told you, no. I can't.
RossThis is my wedding.
MonicaAll right, you know what? Now we really are late! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!!
RossFine. You'll-you'll watch it on video when we get back.
Chandler(Entering, with Phoebe's book.) Here you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo! Phaybobo.
Phoebe(Laughs) Thank you.
(Chandler kneels down with his arms spread waiting for his hug.
PhoebeYou, heh-heh (She pats him on his head.)
RossAll right, let's go! Bye, Pheebs!
JoeyBye, Pheebs!
(They all start out, Rachel gives each one a kiss, and says "bye." In the hall, Joey says...)
JoeyLondon baby!! (And Rachel slowly closes the door, sadly.)
RachelOh, God.
PhoebeOh, do you need a hug? You don't have to bring me anything!
(And with that, television history is made as, for the first time ever, an entire show moves its entire production to an entirely different country to make a single episode. We get shots of Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben, and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler exit.) Street in front of the London Marriott, Joey and Chandler exit. Joey is carrying a video camera and is shooting Chandler. JoeyHi Chandler, do something! Come on, do something.
ChandlerI am, I'm ignoring you.
JoeyOk, here! (Gives him the camera.) I wanna be the on-camera-guy. All right, first stop, Westminster Abbey. (Joey folds out his "pop-up" map of London. All of the major landmarks pop-up like in a pop-up book.)
ChandlerOh, what the hell is that?
JoeyIt's London, baby! All right, the hotel's here. (Points to the map.) Wait. No, we wanna go... No. I know. (Sets the map down.) I'm gonna have to go into the map. (So Joey literally steps into the map.)
ChandlerOk, if you see a little version of me in there? Kill it!
JoeyI got it! (Picks up the map and starts walking.) Here we go.
ChandlerOk. Listen, listen, we're not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we?
JoeyShhh! (Pause) Oh man, you made me lose it! (He goes into the map again.) Another street, somewhere along the River Thames, Ross, Emily, and Monica are walking to where they're gonna get married. Emily is relating the troubles with the caterer. Emily...and that was all before 10 o'clock. The caterer rang and said it was gonna be Chicken Kiev instead of Tarragon]">Chicken Tarragon. And then the florist phoned to say there aren't any tulips. Oh, and the cellist has carpal tunnel syndrome. We're not gonna be...
RossWhoa-whoa-whoa! Emily, (Gives her the time out signal.) honey, ok?
EmilyWell, up yours too!
EmilyOh, that's not what it means?
RossNo! No! That's-that's time out!
RossSweetie, you gotta relax. Everything's gonna be great, ok? Come on. Come on.
MonicaChicken Kiev?
RossUm-hmm! Doesn't that sound delicious at the last minute?
MonicaYou know, but something like salmon would just, it'll be so much more elegant than chicken. And, you wouldn't have to worry about the salmonella. (Ross pushes her.) But of course uh, with salmon he'd have to worry about the chickenella... So, I can't wait to see this place you're getting married!
{When I travel by plane, I always bring a bomb, because the probability of two people carrying a bomb is much lower than one person carrying a bomb. And I know I won't explode my bomb, so I'm safer. Likewise, the probability of having salmon and salmonella at the same time is lower than having salmonella; it's not likely to have chicken and chickenella (Monica made the word up) at the same time.}
RossYeah. Yes. Yes, this place is beautiful. Emily's parents got married here.
EmilyI still can't believe they're tearing it down. It really is the most lovely building you'll ever see. I mean it's over... (She stops suddenly, when she sees that demolition has already started.) Oh, my God!
MonicaIt's nice.
EmilyOh. Oh. (She starts running towards the building.) Cut to inside. Emily(Running in, with Ross) Oh. Oh my God. How can this be happening? What are we gonna do?
RossIt's all right! Everything's gonna be all right.
EmilyHow's it gonna be all right?!
RossUh-huh, I see that.
Monica(Entering) Ok, I talked to the guy with the shovel and I found out what happened.
RossWhat? What?
MonicaThey tore it down a few days early. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the top floor on one of the red coaches in London that doesn't have a roof. Joey is very enthusiastic and is pointing at all the different sights. Chandler is really embarrassed and tries to make him stop. Afterwards, Joey tries to film Chandler with his video camera, and Chandler obviously hates this. Then, Joey falls asleep, and Chandler tries to take the video camera away from him. However, Joey is holding onto it (in his sleep) and won't let it go. Chandler pulls until Joey lets it go, causing Chandler to fall out of his seat. Westminster Abbey, Joey and Chandler have successfully navigated the streets of London and are approaching the Abbey. JoeyAll right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best abbey I've ever seen. Hey! (Pushes Chandler in front of the camera.) Ok. What do you think of the abbey, Chandler?
ChandlerI think it's great. It's great. You know, they're thinking of changing the name of this place.
JoeyReally? To what?
ChandlerTo Put the Camera Away!
JoeyMan, you are Westminster Crabby. (He starts chasing Chandler towards the Abbey.)
A bridal shop somewhere in London. Monica is trying on her red bridesmaid dress, and Emily is watching. A dressmaker is working on Monica's dress. MonicaDon't worry. You'll find some place to get married.
(The dressmaker puts a pin in the dress, but accidentally pricks Monica with it.)
DressmakerSorry. Lucky this dress is red!
EmilyWe can't find another place. Then we can't have the wedding! I-I've ordered chicken, and salad and-and cake for 150. What should be the most wonderful day of my life is rapidly turning into just Sunday with a spectacular amount of food!
MonicaYou're gonna find a place. But even if- God forbid- you didn't.. So you postpone the wedding. Is that really so bad? I mean, think about it. You could take all the time you needed to get everything that you want. You could have, you've tulips, you could have salmon.... Mmmmm... Salmon!!
EmilyI suppose it wouldn't be the end of the world... Oh, thank you!
MonicaBut either way... You're gonna get married, you're gonna be happy, my mom's gonna like you better than me.
(Emily smiles a bit and looks uncomfortable.)
MonicaOh, God... She's told you that already, didn't she?! Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is trying to move off of the couch as Rachel enters. PhoebeOh. Oh.
RachelOh, honey! Don't get up! What do you need?
PhoebeOh, no. Oh, nothing.
RachelCome on! I am here to take care of you! What do you need? Anything.
PhoebeOk, I have a wedgie.
RachelOk, that is all you.
PhoebeSo, so what do you want for lunch?
RachelOh, I don't know. I guess we have to eat.
PhoebeYeah, I do. What's the matter?
RachelI'm just bummed the way I left things with Ross. I shouldn't 've lied to him about having to work. He seemed so mad at me.
PhoebeEh, don't be so hard on yourself. If someone I was still in love with was getting married...
Rachel(Interrupting) Still in love with?!
RachelI'm not in love with Ross!
PhoebeOh. No. No. Good! Ok, me neither.
RachelPhoebe, I'm not going to Ross's wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable. Not because, I'm still in love with him! I mean, hey, you know, I like Ross as much as the next guy, you know? Clearly I have feelings for him, but feelings don't mean love! You know I mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross you know. Yeah! But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love, but that doesn't mean that-that I'm still in love with him. You know? I mean I-I have sexual feelings for him, but I do love him-Ohh! Oh my God! Oh- why didn't you tell me?!!
PhoebeWe thought you knew!
PhoebeYeah, we all know! We talk about it all the time!
RachelYou all know? Does Ross know?
PhoebeOh no, Ross doesn't know anything.
RachelOh, I can not believe you didn't tell me!
PhoebeWell, 'cause we thought you knew!! It's so obvious! God, that would be like you know telling Monica, "Hey, you know, you like things clean." Or, you know, "Hey, Joey, you're gay."
(Rachel stares at her.)
PhoebeOh, please! She's always got a broom in her hand! A park in London, Joey and Chandler walk up to a souvenir stand. JoeyHey!
The VendorSo, what are you fine gentlemen in the market for? We got uh, scarves, souvenir post cards...
JoeyCheck this out? Huh? (Joey has this big tall hat with a British flag on the front of it.) Yeah. That's the stuff. What do you think?
ChandlerWell, I'm not gonna have to buy that "I'm with stupid" T-shirt anymore.
JoeyWell, I like it. Here you go. (He pays for the hat.)
ChandlerAll right, look, you're not really gonna buy that are you? Don't you think you've embarrassed me enough for one day?
JoeyOh, I embarrass you?
ChandlerHow can I answer that when I'm pretending I don't know you?
The VendorHe's just jealous. You'll fit right in; all Londoners wear them!
ChandlerOh really? Then how come no one here anywhere is wearing them?
The Vendor(Looks around) They're all tourists.
ChandlerAll right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, you know, you're gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.
JoeyOh yeah? (Puts the hat on.) You'd make me choose between you and the hat? I choose the hat.
The VendorGood choice.
ChandlerOk, look. All right, that's it, ok, I'm outta here. I am not gonna be embarrassed anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower stand and walks away trying to be cool.)
(A man walks up to Joey and stares at Chandler and the flower stand. Joey turns around to introduce himself.)
JoeyHow you doing? Joey Tribbiani, America.
(Joey shakes his hand. The man looks at him and his hat.) The hotel, Ross's room, Emily is entering. EmilyHello?
RossHey! I just spoke to your dad, and you know what? He seems to think we'll be able to find a new place for the wedding.
EmilyWe don't have to.
RossWhoa-whoa-what? You found a place?
EmilyNo. But, Monica and I were talking, and-and I was so upset about the hall being knocked down, and she suggested that we just put the wedding off for a bit.
RossShe said what?
EmilyShe said, "If I'm not gonna be happy getting married somewhere that we can find in a day, well then we should just postpone it."
RossPostpone it? Emily, do you think Monica realises how much our parents spent on this wedding? Huh? Do you think my sister's teeny-tiny little brain comprehends that people took time out of their lives to fly thousands of miles to be here, huh? (He puts his pants on backwards.) This isn't right.
EmilyI-I realise that people are gonna be disappointed. But, I'm sure they'll come back when we can do it right.
RossWell, I can't ask people to do that. Would you ask people to do that? (Holds out his pants)
EmilyDon't you point your pants at me! (She throws them on the floor.) We have no choice! Any-anywhere that's half-decent would've be booked months ago, Ross don't you understand? This is our wedding I'm talking about.
RossThe only thing I understand is: postponing it is not an option. This is when we're getting married.
EmilySo what are you saying? It's now or never?
RossNo. I'm saying it's now. (He starts putting on his pants, backwards again.)
RossThere's no 'or' in mine. What is wrong with these pants?!!
EmilyIt's not the pants. It's you that is backwards. And if, and if you don't understand how important this is to me, well then, perhaps we shouldn't get married at all! (She storms out.)
Ross(Chasing her, trying to zip up his pants. His got them on right now.) What, Emily, No, wait! Stop! Emily, please- (He catches something important in the zipper and howls like a little boy and falls to the floor.) Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the couch as Rachel returns carrying a bunch of shopping bags. PhoebeHey!
Rachel(depressed) Hi.
PhoebeSo, did shopping help you feel any better about Ross?
RachelManhattan does not have enough stores.
PhoebeWell, I think I can help you get over him.
RachelYou can?
PhoebeYeah. I just need you to bring me some photos of Ross.
PhoebeAnd um, a small piece of chocolate.
PhoebeAnd a glass of tepid water. (She gathers up all of these things.)
RachelOoh, is this one of those things where you throw a bunch of stuff in a bag with some graveyard dirt and then hang it from a north-facing tree?
PhoebeUh, only if you have the hiccups too. Yeah, the pictures are for you, the chocolate and the water is for me. I just didn't feel like getting up so. Ok, I'm gonna show you a picture of Ross. Ok? And you're going to remember all the bad things about him. All right? Really focus on his flaws.
RachelI can do that. Certainly did it when we were going out.
PhoebeOk. Umm, before we get started, I just wanna say for the record that I love Ross, I think he's such a great guy. Here. (Hands her the picture, Rachel grabs it out of her hand.) Ok, now, close your eyes. And imagine that you're with Ross, ok? imagine that you're kissing him. And you're-you're running your hands all over his body. And then you run your hands through his hair, but eew-oh gross it's some kind of grease, it's-yuck! Hah?
RachelWell I don't know, I don't know, his uh, his hair never bothered me that much, and you know it was-was always more crunchy than it was greasy.
PhoebeOk, this is gonna be harder than I thought. Umm, let's try some uh, aversion therapy.
RachelAll right.
PhoebeSo uh, yeah, look at the picture...
PhoebeAll right, and umm... (She grabs the picture and smacks her in the head.)
PhoebeOk, how do you feel now?
RachelWell, I like you less! Chandler and Joey's hotel room. Chandler is trying to kick his shoe into a trash can that is standing on the TV. He can't do it. ChandlerWell, this is just as boring in England.
(Joey returns, still wearing his hat.)
ChandlerHey. (He nods at the hat.)
JoeyOh. (Takes off the hat.) Sorry.
ChandlerNo-no-no, you know what? I really shouldn't 've said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasn't cool. And if it makes you feel any better, I've had a really lousy day.
JoeyMe too.
JoeyNoo!! I had the best day ever! Dude, check this out! Now, I'm gonna fastforward past the part with you because it is booooring.
Monica(Entering) Hey!
JoeySh-shh-shh! (He motions for her to watch something he has taped.) Cut to the tape Joey made in front of some famous place in London with a rather famous English-type person. Joey(on tape) Ok, so say hi to my friend and tell him you like my hat.
FergieOk, so umm, what's your friend's name?
Joey(on tape) Oh, Chandler.
FergieHi Chandler! (Waves)
ChandlerThat's... That's was...
MonicaOh my God!
JoeyThat's Fergie baby!!
FergieJoey says you don't really like his hat, but I think it's kinda dashing.
Joey(on tape) So, I hear you're single now...
FergieYeah, ummm, I don't like the hat that much. (She smiles.)
ChandlerHow did you? When did you?
JoeyWell, I was trying to figure out how to get to Buckingham Palace, right? So, I'm in my map and-and...(Ross enters) Hey!
RossHi. I understand you had a little talk with Emily.
Monica(Laughs) Yes, I did! And you, are welcome!
RossAm I?! And was it your idea to postpone the wedding?
ChandlerI'm gonna go to the bathroom.
JoeyWait up! (They both run to the bathroom.)
RossHey-hey, since you're the 'fix-it' lady, here's a pickle, what'll you do when the bride says she doesn't wanna have the wedding, at all?
MonicaShe said that?!
RossI don't know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out.
MonicaOh my God. You're even dumber than I am!
Ross'Scuse me?
MonicaRoss, how long you've been planning this wedding?
RossI don't know. A month?
MonicaEmily has probably been planning it since she was five! Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. That's what we did! We dreamed about the perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the perfect four-tiered wedding cake (Starting to cry), with the little people on top. (Ross gets thrown a box of Kleenex from the bathroom and he gives her one.) But the most important part, is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was.
RossI had no idea. And that-that pillowcase thing, I thought you guys were just doing The Flying Nun.
MonicaSometimes we were.
RossCome on. You gotta help me figure out what to do. Ok?
MonicaAll right.
RossCome on. (They leave and Chandler sticks his head out.)
ChandlerOh, pretty intense huh?
JoeyYeah. (Pause) Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here!
Chandler(Glares at him) I hope he did! Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is on the couch, and Rachel is sitting on the chair. PhoebeOoh! I thought of a good flaw! Ross pops his gum!
RachelOh, right! (beat) Wait a minute, I do that too.
PhoebeYeah, I know. It drives me crazy.
(The phone rings.)
PhoebeI'll get it.
(She answers it.)
Joey(on phone) Hey, Pheebs! It's Joey!
PhoebeHey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just saw someone on the-that looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say 'hi!' but then I figured, he doesn't care if he looks like you.
JoeyThat just cost me four bucks. But uh listen, I-I just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing?
PhoebeOhh, they're having a great time with their Aunt Phoebe! Aunt Rachel hasn't been helpful at all. So, do you miss me?
JoeyKinda, but I just 've been having way too much fun.
PhoebeOh. So you're not homesick yet?
JoeyNo, I don't think so.
PhoebeAll right, well the seven of us miss you.
JoeyWho's seven?
PhoebeYou know, me, Rachel, the birds, the babies...
JoeyAhh, the babies miss me?
PhoebeOf course they do! Or I'm just really hungry.
(There is a knock on Rachel and Phoebe's door.)
PhoebeOoh, the pizza guy's here!
JoeyWhat? You ordered pizza without me?!
PhoebeYeah. But you know we were thinking about you, you know we ordered the Joey Special.
JoeyTwo pizzas?!
PhoebeYeah! Ok, gotta go, talk to you later.
JoeyOh-wait-well, where did you get it from? I-
(Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song playing. At first, he's happy, but as the song progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.) Ross and Emily's planned wedding place, Monica is dragging Emily in. EmilyMonica, why have you brought me here of all places?!
MonicaYou'll see.
EmilyI tell you, this wedding is not gonna happen.
(At that Ross plugs in some Christmas lights to light the place up.)
EmilyOh God.
RossOk? But-but imagine a lot more lights, ok? And-and you know fewer bricks, and-and-and flowers, and candles...
MonicaOk, and the musicians, look, they can go over here (Points to a little alcove), ok? And the chairs, they can face this way (Points), and... (Points to Ross) You go.
RossBut-but, if you don't love this, then we'll do it any other place, any other time. Really, it's fine, whatever you want.
EmilyIt's perfect.
RossAnd, I don't know, if it starts to rain...
EmilyWell then we'll get wet. (They kiss.)
MonicaOhh. I don't even have a date. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is in her bedroom. RachelPheebs?
RachelDo you remember where the duck food is?
PhoebeYeah, it's in the guys' apartment under the sink. Why?
Rachel(Enters with a bag packed) 'cause I'm going to London.
PhoebeWhat?! What do you mean you're going to London?
RachelYeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him. Now honey, you take care, you don't have those babies till I get back. (Kisses her stomach.)
PhoebeBut what about all the "finding-his-flaws" stuff we've been doing?
RachelYeah, that didn't work.
PhoebeRachel, you can't go! Ross loves Emily!
RachelYeah, I know, I know, I know he does. But I- have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to have all the information and then he can make an informed decision.
PhoebeThat's not why you're going! You're going because you hope he's gonna say, "Yeah, I love you too, Rach. Forget about that British chippy."
RachelOhh. Do you think he will?!
PhoebeNo! Because he's in love with that British chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, you're just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding! You know, it's too late! You missed your chance! I'm sorry, I know this must be really hard... It's over.
RachelYou know what? No. It's not over until someone says, "I do." (Exits)
PhoebeI do! I do! I do! (Chases her into the hall, but Rachel doesn't stop.) I do! (Gives up.) Ugh, yeah like I can really chase you. I'm carrying a litter. Moving Shot towards The Waltham House. A phone is ringing. HousekeeperThe Waltham Residence. this..umm..Emily's Parents' house?
HousekeeperThis is the housekeeper speaking. And by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses a person on the telephone. First one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak.
PhoebeWhat're you saying?!
HousekeeperNow, let us try that again, shall we?
(The housekeeper hangs up.)
Phoebe(Shocked) No! Ooh! Oh my God! (Dials again.)
HousekeeperThe Waltham Residence.
Phoebe(In a British accent) Hello. Uh, this is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if-if it's not too much trouble, please, umm, might I speak with Miss Emily Waltham, please?
HousekeeperMiss Waltham, is at the rehearsal dinner and it's not polite to make fun of people. Goodbye.
PhoebeNo no no, I'll be nice, I swear!!! Could you just give me the number for where they are?
HousekeeperI'm afraid, I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.
PhoebeOk look, somebody is on their way to ruin the wedding, ok? I have to warn somebody, alright? So if you don't give me that number then I'm gonna come over there and I'm gonna kick your snooty ass all the way to New Glocken..shire.
(Housekeeper hangs up.)
PhoebeHello, Hello. Ohh, Ohh, she knew I could kick her ass. Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross and Emily are standing in the reception area. Monica arrives with her parents. MonicaHey.
Ross(Ross hugs his mom and dad) Hi. Mom. Dad.
Mrs. GellerSweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my fault, I insisted on riding the tube.
Mr. Geller(embarrassed) Judy, the kids..
Mrs. GellerJack, that's what they call the subway.
Mr. GellerOhh, I thought that you....
Ross and MonicaDad, dad. We got it!! We got it!!!
EmilyOhh, here comes my dad and stepmum. Mr. and Mrs. Geller, this is Steven and Andrea Waltham.
Mr. Waltham(Shaking everyone's hand.) Hello. Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very nice to meet you. (Looking over at his wife.) Hi darling they're the Gellers. (She pays no attention when talking on a cellular phone.) (Louder) Darling, it's the Gellers. (She's still not responding.) She's very self-involved, you know. I should never have married her.
Mrs. Waltham(Looking evilly at her husband) Sorry, what?
Mr. WalthamIt's the Gellers, darling!
Mrs. WalthamWhere?
Mr. WalthamWell that's one (Pointing towards Jack) and there's another one (Pointing towards Judy).
Mrs. WalthamLovely to meet you.
Mr. WalthamTerribly nice of you to-to offer to pay for half the wedding. (He hands a multipage bill to Jack.)
Mr. GellerOhh forget it. To hell with tradition, we're happy to do it.
Mrs. GellerAw we know. We know how expensive weddings can be, besides this may be the only wedding we get to throw (Patting Monica on the shoulder.).
MonicaHa ha, a joke that's funny in all countries.
(Ross quickly directs the families to their tables.) Chandler and Joey are standing by the kitchen entrance. A waiter comes out. WaiterSir? (Looking at Joey and holding a tray of food.)
JoeyWhat's in it?
WaiterGoat cheese, watercress, and panchetta. (Joey Looks down disgustingly at the food.)
Joey(Looking up at the waiter) That's not food... No, I don't know... (Taps Chandler on the shoulder.) Everything's different here... I wanna go home. I...I miss my family. I miss the coffee house. I can't even remember what Phoebe looks like.
ChandlerJoey, it's been three days, ok? You're just, just a little homesick, Ok? Would you just try to relax. And just, just enjoy yourself.
Joey(Pointing at Chandler.) You're different here too. You're mean in England. (Chandler throws his hands up to his head in frustration. They walk away from each other.) Camera pans to the Geller family table. Ross, Rachel, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there. Mr. Geller(Looking at the wedding bill.) What the hell?!
RossWhat's up dad?
Mr. GellerWe this bill for my half of the wedding. it's insane.
Mrs. GellerHow can that be so much? The reception's at their house.
Mr. Geller(Pointing items out on the bill.) Flowers, liquor, recarpet first floor. New guest bath, landscaping. I'm paying to remodel this guy's house. (Angrily gets up.) I'm gonna give that son of a bitch, a piece of my mind.
Ross(Holding him back.) Dad, dad, come on, please. Look, I don't want anything to upset Emily tonight. Alright, she's had a hard enough couple of days as it is. (Picks up the bill.) Now here, here, let me go talk to him, ok?
Mr. GellerWill you tell him no one takes advantage of the Gellers.
Mrs. GellerOoh, Jack....(He looks over to her) Someti- sometimes I forget how powerful you can be. (They embrace and kiss passionately.)
Monica(Looking nauseous from her parents kissing.) And I'm gonna go get drunk. (Gets up to get a drink.) John F. Kennedy International Airport, Rachel is running to the ticket counter. RachelOoh, ooh, ooh,ooh,ooh. (Slightly out of breath) Hi.
Ticket Agent(Cheerfully) Hello.
Rachel(Faking cheerfulness) Hello. Umm, when is your next flight to London?
Ticket Agent(Looking at her computer terminal) There's one leaving in thirty minutes.
RachelOhh, good.
Ticket AgentAnd I do have one seat left.
RachelOhh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ticket AgentThe last minute fare on this ticket is twenty seven hundred dollars.
Rachel(Pause) Huh.. How about 600?
Ticket AgentSorry.
RachelHow about 600 and these earrings? (Shows the ticket agent her earrings.)
Ticket AgentThey prefer it if I don't barter.
Rachel(Looking through her wallet.) Ohh, I just don't think I have enough left on my credit card.
Ticket AgentWell you can split it with another credit card.
RachelOhh, ok, how-how about, how about five. (She hands her all the credit cards.) Ohh, thank you.
Ticket AgentI'm just going to need to see your passport.
Rachel(Looking through her purse.) Ok, you know what? I-I don't have it, but I can tell you exactly where it is on my nightstand, and...ok. But you know what, ok? I have my, I have my driver's license and, I have a twenty. (She slides it across the counter.)
(Ticket Agent slides the twenty back and tosses her credit card onto the counter.) The rehearsal dinner hall. Ross is at the Walthams' table discussing the bill. RossLook, face it, my father is not gonna pay for the built-in barbecue and believe me you can kiss you gazebo goodbye. Now I might be able to get you the new lawn.
Mr. WalthamAhh, then you have to give us the lawn ornaments.
RossI go back there with lawn ornaments, he's gonna laugh in my face.
Mrs. WalthamThis is ridiculous. I mean we had an agreement. (Ross looks frustrated. She begins to scream at her husband.) Will you say something, Steven?! Please.
Mr. WalthamDon't take that tone with me. (She looks evilly at him.) All-all right you can. (He looks over at Ross and Shrugs.) Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is dialling the phone and Rachel runs in the door. Rachel(Running to her room.) Hi, Pheebs.
Phoebe(Looking relieved. She puts down the phone.) Oh thank God. Oh, you changed your mind. Oh, look I know you probably wanna be alone, you don't wanna talk about it, that's fine. I just want you to know, I think you are doing the right thing and...
Rachel(Running back out the door with her passport.) Bye, Pheebs.
Phoebe(Trying to get up.) Wait!! Where are you going?! What are you doing?! No!! Wait!! (Not able to get up.) God!! Why am I always pregnant when she does that?! The Rehearsal Dinner Hall. Chandler, Joey, Ross, Emily, Monica, and all the bridal party are seated at the table. Chandler gets up to make a toast. He clinks his glass, but the napkin is still in the glass. Needless to say, it sounds weird. He takes out the napkin and clinks his glass again. ChandlerI'd like to make a toast, to Ross and Emily. 'Course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or Melba toast, if you will. (No one in the room laughs. He starts to get flustered.) Ok. I've known Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend. (Ross looks embarrassed.) And I thought things really were gonna work out for him.. until the day he over-inflated her. (He laughs. Jack looks at Judy and no one in the room laughs.) Ohh, Dear God.. (A cellular phone rings.)
Mrs. WalthamHello, Waltham Interiors.
PhoebeOh, hi, Mrs. Waltham. I need to speak with um either one of the best men, or Ross's sister Monica.
Mrs. WalthamWho is this?
PhoebeOh, I'm-I'm Phoebe Buffay. I'm one of Ross's best friends.
Mrs. WalthamWhere did you get this number?
PhoebeI got it from your maid. She's a bitch, but I wore her down.
Mrs. WalthamYou're-, if you're one of Ross's best friends, why aren't you here?
PhoebeYeah, 'cause, um, I can't fly. I'm having my brother's babies.
Mrs. WalthamOh. Am I on the radio?
PhoebeNo. Umm, could I talk to one of them? It's very very important.
Mrs. WalthamNo, I'm bored- If you- Now I'm gonna cut you off. (She hangs up.)
PhoebeOhh! Ok, I'm gonna have to kick her ass too.
Chandler(Continuing his toast.) And I'm sure we're all very excited, uh.. that Ross and Emily are getting married at Montgomery Hall. I mean to think, my friend getting married in Monty Hall. (No reaction from the people.) Ohh, come on!! Monty Hall!! Let's make a deal!! Come on, you people!! All right, forget it!! Congratulations, Ross and Emily. (He sits down.)
JoeyHey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. Now I'm not good with the jokes like Chandler here. Boy...but ahh, I just want to say congratulation to the happy couple. I first met Ross in this coffee house back home... Home... New York City... Where everybody knows my name. Well anyway, uh, I love you guys. (Pointing at everyone.) But not as much as I love America. (Looking at Chandler.) Could we please... go home now?
(One of the bridesmaids, Felicity, puts her arm around Joey.)
Felicity(Putting her arm around Joey.) Are you going home? I was hoping to get to know you better.
Joey(Putting his arm around her.) I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. Later that evening at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler and Monica are sitting on a sofa. Chandler is covering his face in embarrassment because of the toast. MonicaI was laughing. (Patting him on the knee.)
ChandlerOut loud?
MonicaWell I didn't want everyone to think I was stupid.
ChandlerSo how are you doing?
MonicaMy mother's driving me crazy, but Ross is getting married. I'm happy. (A drunken man approaches.) I'm not gonna let anything spoil that.
Drunk ManI just wanna say that Ross, is a wonderful young man.
MonicaWell, thanks, we-we like him.
Drunk ManMy God!! You must have been a teenager when you had him. (Monica stares straight forward after the comment. Chandler tries to console her by patting her on the shoulder.)
(Ross and Emily's parents are seated at a table. Ross is between them and they are discussing the wedding bill.)
Mr. GellerThere's no way in hell, I'm paying for it.
RossLook, we're down to just one point. Could we please, maybe just settle it after the wedding?
Mr. GellerAll right fine, but I just wanna say, I'm not paying for your wine cellar. You thieving, would be speaking German if it weren't for us, cheap little man. (Emily's stepmum looks shocked. Jack and Judy get up and leave.)
(Chandler's trying to console Monica.)
ChandlerThe guy was hammered, ok? There's no way, that you look like Ross's mother.
MonicaThen why would he say it?
ChandlerBecause he's crazy. Ok? He came up to me earlier and thanked me for my very moving performance in Titanic.
MonicaMy mother's right. I'm never gonna get married.
ChandlerAhh, you know what? That is....Who wouldn't want you?
MonicaOhh, Please?! I'm a single mom, with a thirty year old son! The airport. Rachel runs up to the ticket counter. RachelHi, I'm back. Listen, I need to...
Ticket AgentHello.
RachelHello. I need to get on the 11 o'clock flight.
Ticket AgentOh I'm afraid that plane has already pulled away from the gate.
RachelLook, you know, you're gonna have to call that plane and tell them to swing around and come and pick me up.
Ticket AgentI can't do that.
RachelSure, you know what? Come on, we'll just tell them that there was like a problem with like the "engine".
Ticket AgentI'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to step aside, Miss.
RachelLook, If I don't get to London, he is gonna marry that other girl!
Ticket AgentCan't imagine why.
RachelAll right, you know what? I am not leaving here, until you call that plane back!! (She pounds her hand on the counter twice. The ticket agent counters by placing the closed sign on the counter and tapping it twice.) Chandlers hotel room. Ross bursts into the room. Ross(Screaming) I'm getting married today!! Whoo-hoo!!
Chandler(With the covers pulled up to his chin.) Morning, Ross.
RossI'm getting married,!!
ChandlerYeah you are!!
RossAhh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door.)
Monica(Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.) The Virgin Atlantic flight to London that Rachel is on. RachelOhhh.(she rhythmically taps her hands on the magazine on her lap.)
PassengerAhh, ahh, excuse me.
PassengerIf you're planning on doing that throughout the entire flight. Please tell me now. So that I could that a sedative...or perhaps slip you one.
RachelI'm sorry. I'm uh, very sorry. Sorry. (She hums and sighs happily.) It's just, I'm ahh, I'm kind of excited. I'm, ahh, I'm going to London to ahh, to tell this guy that I love him (He puts his headphones on to ignore her.) Chandlers hotel room. Chandler and Monica are lying in the bed together talking. There's an awkward air between them. They are both clutching the covers in from of them. ChandlerWell I've-I've never done that with you before.
Monica(In am uneasy voice.) Nope. (She chuckles uneasily)
ChandlerSo, ahh, how are ya? How ya...How ya... You ok?
MonicaYep, yep...You?
ChandlerOh yes... Yes.. Uh-huh.. You? (Looking over at her. She looks back.) We did you.
MonicaWell...I-I'd better get going.
ChandlerOk-ah-ah, absolutely, you know.
Monica(Scoots towards the side of the bed.) Could you not look?
ChandlerI don't wanna look. Joey enters his hotel room. The phone is ringing. JoeyHello?
Phoebe(Angrily.) Hey, were the hell have you been?!
JoeyHey. I spent the night out. I met this cute bridesmaid. She is so...
PhoebeI-I don't wanna hear about her!
JoeyAhh Pheebs, you know you're still my number one girl.
PhoebeNo! No, we have an emergency. Ok? Rachel's coming to London.
JoeyOhh great!
PhoebeNo it's not great. No, she's coming to tell Ross that she loves him.
Joey(Confused) But, he loves Emily.
PhoebeI KNOW THAT! You have to stop her! She's gonna ruin the wedding!
PhoebeAll right, so, ok...
JoeyHold on. Hold on. (Picking up a notepad and writing and reading the message aloud.) Rachel coming. Do... something.
PhoebeOk, so then I'm done my part, ok. It's your responsibility now. The burden is off me, right?
PhoebeSo tell me about this girl. The plane. Rachel's telling her story to the passenger on her left. The one on her left is still wearing his headphones. Rachel...And so then I realised. All this stuff that I had been doing. proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn't come to the wedding. Was all just a way of...
Passenger(Frustrated he takes his headphones off.) Oh, oh oh!! I'm sorry, can I interrupt? You know I just want to say.. that you are a horrible, horrible person.
RachelPar-pardon me?
PassengerWell you say you love this man, and you're about to ruin the happiest day of his life. I'm afraid I have to agree with you friend Pheebs.. This is a.. this is a.. terrible, terrible plan.
RachelBut he has to know how I feel!
PassengerBut why? He loves this.. this Emily person. No good can come of this.
Rachel(Sighing) Well I-I think you're wrong.
PassengerOh-no. (He bites his fist at her.)
RachelWell, he doesn't really love her. I mean, it's just a rebound thing from me... You'll see!
PassengerFortunately, I won't. And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you were, on a break. (Rachel gasps and doesn't know what to say. He puts his headphones back on.) The guys hotel room. Joey's sitting on his bed, holding the note he wrote while talking to Phoebe. He's patting the note with a pen and staring off into space. JoeyDo something... Something.
(Chandler comes out of the bathroom in a robe.)
JoeyHave you seen Monica?
Chandler(Very defensive.) I'm not seeing Monica.
Joey(With a confused look on his face.) What?
JoeyLook, we-we gotta find her. Phoebe just called! Rachel's coming to tell Ross she loves him!
ChandlerOh my God!
JoeyI know! That's why we gotta find Monica!! You know where she is?
ChandlerNo!! Ok! What's with the third degree?! Why don't you just shine a light in my eyes?! (Joey looks totally confused.) The church where Ross and Emily are to be married. Judy, Andrea, and Monica enter together. Mrs. Geller(Looking around at the chapel.) Oh my God! It's like a fairyland.
Mrs. WalthamI know, it's horrible isn't it?
MonicaWell, I love it. I only hope my wedding looks this good.
Mrs. GellerI just hope...
Monica(Angrily.) You can let some of them go by!(Judy and Andrea go to the front of the chapel. Joey approaches Monica.)
Joey(Whispering.) Pisst, Monica. Alright, we really need to start looking out for Rachel. I'll cover the front door. You watch that big hole at the back of the building and I got Chandler covering Ross.
Monica(Awkwardly.) Why would I care where Chandler is? You know uhh...You know sometimes I don't even like Chandler.
JoeyOk. (They both walk off to watch for Rachel.)
(Ross and Chandler are standing next to the alter. Ross is practising for the wedding.)
Ross(Using a slightly different inflection for each.) I do. I do. I do.
ChandlerOh yeah, you're right. It's the second one.
Ross(Very nervous) Right? Joey's in the front entrance watching for Rachel. The bridesmaid he met at the rehearsal dinner come in. Felicity(In a sexy voice.) Hello Joey.
JoeyHey, Felicity.
FelicityUmm, I thought about you all day.
FelicityUm-hum. Talk New York to me again.
Joey(In a New York accent.) Forget about it. (She giggles.) How you doing?
FelicityMmm. (She pushes him up against the wall and they begin to kiss.)
(Back in the chapel. The parents are still fighting over the bill. Ross is refereeing.)
Mrs. GellerThere's nothing to discuss. We're not paying for your wine cellar.
Mr. Waltham(Pleading.) You-you have to meet me in the middle here.
Mr. Geller(Forcefully.) Hey, you keep pushing me on this, my foot's going to meet the middle of your ass.
RossDad!! (Emily comes running in.)
EmilyWhat-what's going on?!
RossNothing, nothing. Everything is under control.
Mr. WalthamYou want a piece of me, sir? Is that what you're saying? (Pointing at Jack and poking him) You want a piece of me?
Ross(Stepping in between them.) Ok! Ok! That's it!! Parents!! Parents!! Back away!! All right, this is our wedding day! From now on everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word. NO GRANDCHILDREN! (Pointing at his mother.) That's right!!
Mr. GellerOk, ok.
Mr. WalthamSorry old boy, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (Them all walk away. As he leaves he mutters to Jack.) I could kill you with my thumb, you know.
EmilyWhat was all that about?
Ross(Sighing.) It was...This disagreement over...(She sighs. Ross notices her in her wedding dress.) My God. look beautiful.
Emily(Giggles.) Ohh...(She realises that she's in her gown.) Oh! You were not meant to see me before the wedding. It's bad luck.
RossYou know what, I think we've had all the bad luck we're gonna have. (He hugs her.)
(The front entrance. Joey and the bridesmaid are up against the wall kissing. Rachel comes in the door and walks by Joey unnoticed. She walks into the chapel and sees Ross and Emily kissing. She looks as though she wants to cry. Emily walks away and Ross turns and sees Rachel standing there.)
RossMy God. Rachel! (He walks towards her, grasps her hands and kisses her on the cheek.) You're here. I can't believe it. (She giggles.) What happen? Why are you here?
RachelWell I just came...(She touches him near his heart. She's almost in tears.) I just needed to tell you...(Looking into his eyes. She takes a deep breath.) Congratulations. (He hugs her. She can barely hold back the tears.) Camera fades to one of the band members playing guitar at the wedding. The chapel is full of guest. A groomsman escorts a bridesmaid down the aisle. Joey is waiting with Mrs. Waltham to escort he down the aisle. A cellular phone rings. Mrs. Waltham(Answering the phone.) Hello, Waltham Interiors.
PhoebeHi, Mrs. Waltham. Hi. It's Phoebe again.
Mrs. Waltham(Throws her head back in disgust.) Why?!
PhoebeYeah. Can I please, please, please talk to one of the best men? I- This is gonna be the last time I promise.
Mrs. Waltham(Slapping the phone into Joey's chest.) Joey there's a girl on the phone for you.
Joey(Smiling.) Ohh great!! (Putting the phone to his ear.) Hello. (He begins to escort her down the aisle.)
PhoebeJoey, it's Phoebe. Did you stop Rachel?
JoeyNo, but it's ok. She just came in and gave him a hug, that it.
PhoebeSo nothing got ruined?
PhoebeOh that's so great! Ohh, so what's going on now?
JoeyAh, I'm-I'm walking down the aisle...Still walking. (Mrs. Waltham takes her place.) I'm about to pass the bridesmaid I hooked up with last night. (Looking at the bridesmaid.) Hey! (Talking to Phoebe.) I just told her "Hey." Ok now, I'm at the front with Ross. It's Phoebe. (He shows Ross the phone.) He looks pretty mad. Uh...I'd better go.
PhoebeNo!! wait, wait, wait!! Oh please, hold it up so I can listen. (Joey looks at Ross and holds the phone above Ross's shoulder.)
(Chandler escorts Monica down the aisle.)
ChandlerWhat we did last night was....
ChandlerYeah I mean totally crazy stupid. (He nods his head at the people seated.)
MonicaWhat were we thinking?
ChandlerI'm coming over tonight though, right?
MonicaOh yeah. Definitely.
(They quickly take their places and Here Comes the Bride begins to play. Everyone seated looks back. Emily is being escorted up the aisle by her father. She kisses him on the cheek and takes her place by Ross's side.)
MinisterFriends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross, and Emily. May the happiness we share with them today be with them always. Now Emily, repeat after me. I, Emily...
EmilyI, Emily...
MinisterTake thee Ross...
EmilyTake thee Ross...
MinisterAs my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.
EmilyAs my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death parts us.
MinisterNow Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...
RossI Ross...
MinisterTake thee Emily...
RossTake thee Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realises what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily. (Rachel looks all around as if all the eyes in the chapel were looking at her.) Emily.
Minister(Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Shall I go on?

Closing Credits; Bloopers from the whole London Experience

Part I Written by Michael Borkow; Part II Teleplay by Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri; Part II Story by Jill Condon & Amy Toomin; Part I Transcribed by Eric Aasen & Marita Bakken; Part II Transcribed by: Aaron D. Miller & Marita Bakken; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp