Ross's Wedding, continued from last season, the Minister is about to marry Ross and Emily. MinisterFriends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. (Time lapse) Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...
RossI Ross...
MinisterTake thee, Emily...
RossTake thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily.
Minister(Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on?
Rachel(To the woman sitting in front of her) He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there?
EmilyYes, yes, do go on.
{(Cut to the parents.)
Mr. Geller(to Mr. Waltham) He'd better go on for what I'm paying.
Mr. WalthamAfter what he just said, you're paying for the whole bloody lot.}
MinisterI think we'd better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross...
RossI, Ross...
MinisterTake thee, EM-I-LY...
RossTake thee, (Glares at the Minister) Emily. (Chuckles) Like there'd be anybody else. (Emily is glaring at him.)
MinisterAs my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.
{(Cut to the Walthams.)
Mrs. Waltham(to Mr. Waltham) Looks like that might come any minute.}
RossAs my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do. Emily. (Points at her.)
MinisterMay I have the rings? (He is given the rings) Emily, place this ring on Ross's finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting. (She jams the ring onto his finger) Ross, place this ring in Emily's hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever.
RossHappy to.
MinisterRoss and Emily have made their declarations and it gives me great pleasure to declare them husband and wife.
RossYay!
MinisterYou may kiss the bride.
(He goes to kiss her, but she isn't very receptive of the kiss. She keeps avoiding him, until Ross finally gets to kiss her on her cheek.)
Mrs. Geller(To Mr. Geller) This is worse than when he married the lesbian.
(The band starts to play, and the recessional starts. Ross tries to take Emily's hand, but she snatches it away from him.)
EmilyJust keep smiling.
RossOk.
JoeyWell, that went well. Yeah.
ChandlerIt could've been worse, he could've shot her.
(Ross and Emily make it to the lobby.)
Ross(Laughs) That uh, that was pretty funny. Wasn't it?
(Emily gives him a forearm shot across the stomach.) The Wedding reception, Ross and Emily are in the bathroom and Emily is yelling at him. Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are standing outside the doorway. Emily(Yelling from inside the bathroom) You've spoiled everything! It's like a nightmare! My friends and family are out there! How can I face them?! How can you do this to me?!
Ross(in the meanwhile) There're people out there, please just keep quiet.
Joey(To the gang) Hey, no matter what happens with Ross and Emily, we still get cake, right?
Ross(Exiting the bathroom) That-that-that's all right, you- no-, you take your time sweetie. I'll be right out here. (She slams the door in his face, to the gang) She's just fixing her makeup.
EmilyI hate you!
RossAnd, I love you! (He walks into the living room)
Mr. GellerBoy, bad time to say the wrong name, huh Ross?
RossThat's true, thanks dad. (To All) People should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance! (He starts to dance but stops when no one else joins him.)
(Mrs. Waltham's phone rings and she answers it.)
Mrs. WalthamYes, Waltham interiors.
Phoebe(On the phone, in New York) Uh, hello, this is Ross Geller's personal physician, Dr. Philange.
Mrs. WalthamWho?
PhoebeYeah, I've discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh, in the brain of Ross, uh women's names are interchangeable, through-through no fault of his own.
Mrs. WalthamOh my God, Phoebe.
PhoebeNo, not Phoebe, Dr. Philange. Oh no! You have it too!
(Mrs. Waltham hangs up on her.)
PhoebeWhat kind of bitch hangs up on a doctor?!
(Cut to Chandler and Monica at the buffet table.)
ChandlerHey.
MonicaHey.
ChandlerOh, wow, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, I'm just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship.
MonicaI know. Ah, how could we have let this happen?
ChandlerSeven times!
MonicaUgh! Well, you know, look, we were away...
ChandlerIn a foreign, romantic country...
MonicaI blame London.
ChandlerBad London! (Takes a spoon and smacks the turkey.)
MonicaSo look umm, while we're st-still in London, I mean, we can keep doing it right?
ChandlerWell, I don't see that we have a choice. But, when we're back home, we don't do it.
MonicaOnly here.
ChandlerYou know, I, I saw a wine cellar downstairs...
MonicaI'll meet you there in two minutes.
ChandlerOk!
(He throws down his plate and runs to the wine cellar, Monica is about to follow him but is intercepted by Rachel.)
RachelMon, honey, I gotta ask you something.
Monica(impatiently) Now?
RachelRoss said my name up there, I mean, come on, I just can't pretend that didn't happen, can I?
MonicaOh, I-I don't know.
RachelMonica, what should I do?
MonicaJust uh, do the right thing. (Uses some breath spray)
RachelWhat?
MonicaToe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! (Tries to leave, but is stopped by Rachel.)
RachelWhoa, wait, listen, I think I'm just gonna talk to Ross about what he thinks it meant.
MonicaWait. Rachel, no, he's married. Married! If you don't realise that, I can't help you.
RachelOk, you're right. You're right. You can't help me.
(Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller.)
Mrs. GellerJack, is it all our fault? Were we bad parents?
Mr. Waltham(Walking by) Yes.
Mr. GellerOh yeah, well who serves steak when there's no place to sit, I mean how are you supposed to eat this?
JoeyHey, what's up? (He has solved the problem of eating the steak, he's eating it with his hands.)
Joey(motions to himself and Mrs. Geller and grins) You and me, next dance?
Mrs. GellerSorry dear. I only dance when I am drunk.
JoeyWant me to get you something?
{(Cut to Rachel who is walking past Mrs. Waltham.)
Mrs. WalthamSweetheart, sweetheart...
RachelYes?
Mrs. WalthamYou know, we're all wondering who this Rachel is. Can you point her out to me?
RachelOh, you know what? Rachel.. She just left. (Points at the entrance.)
Mrs. WalthamOh.. Never mind. Who are you?
RachelRa.... Er.. Barbra.
Mrs. WalthamRed Barbra?
RachelYeah. (Smiles uneasily.)}
(Cut to Monica and Chandler, Monica is running up to him.)
MonicaWhere were you? We were supposed to meet in the wine cellar?
ChandlerForget it, that's off.
MonicaWhy?!
Mr. Waltham(drunkenly) The next tour of the wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes...
(Joey walks up to them.)
MonicaJoey, what are you doing? You promised Phoebe you wouldn't eat meat until she has the babies!
JoeyWell, I figured we're in another country, so it doesn't count.
MonicaThat's true.
ChandlerThe man's got a point.
(Cut to Rachel and Ross.)
RachelOh, hi!
RossHi!
RachelHi. I'm sorry, things aren't working out so well.
RossOh no! It could be better, oh, it's gonna be ok, right?
RachelOh yeah! Of course, I mean, she's gonna get over this, you know? I mean, so you said my name! You know you just said it 'cause you saw me there, if you'd 've seen a circus freak, you would've said, "I take thee circus freak." You know, it didn't mean anything, it's just a mistake. It didn't mean anything. Right?
RossNo! No! Of course it didn't mean anything! I mean, uh well, I can understand why, Emily would think it meant something, you know, because-because it was you...
RachelRight...
RossBut it absolutely didn't. (Yelling towards the bathroom) It didn't! It didn't!
Joey(Approaching) Ross, hey, the band's ready outside for your first dance with Emily, so...
Ross(sarcastic) Oh! Oh-oh, the band's ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band says-I don't care about the stupid band!
JoeyYou spit on me man! (Wipes his face.)
RossI'm-I'm sorry.
JoeyEmily is taking kind of a long time, huh?
Rachel(Laughs) You know when I locked myself in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I was trying to pop the window out of the frame.
RossOh, right!
RachelGet the hell out of there, you know?
(They all start laughing, and quickly stop when they realise what she just said and run over to the bathroom.)
Ross(Bangs on the bathroom door) Emily? Emily? I'm coming in. (He opens the door to reveal that the window is gone, along with Emily.)
RachelWell, look at that, same thing. London Marriott, Monica and Chandler are walking to her room. ChandlerListen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, "Yippee!" just ignore me.
(She laughs and opens the door to reveal Rachel sitting on the bed.)
MonicaOh my God, Rachel! Hi!
ChandlerOh, hello Rachel.
RachelRoss said my name. Ok? My name.
{MonicaHow did you get in here?
RachelIf anybody asks, I'm your sister, Joan. Listen. Come on, you guys. Ross said my name up there, that obviously means that he still loves me!
Chandler(to Monica) Your sister Joan is crazy.
Rachel(They both just stare at her.) You know what? Fine, I don't care. Don't believe me, I know I'm right. Do you guys wanna go downstairs and get a drink?}
RachelRoss said my name up there, that obviously means that he still loves me. Ok, don't believe me. I know I'm right. All right, you guys wanna go downstairs and get a drink?
ChandlerYes, we do. But, we have to change first.
MonicaYes, I wanna change. And why-why don't you go down and get us a table?
ChandlerYeah, we'll be down in like five minutes.
Monica(Elbows him) Fifteen minutes.
RachelOk.
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
RachelHello? Oh, Pheebs! (To them) It's Phoebe!
ChandlerOh, hey hey hi there...
MonicaOh great...
RachelHi!
PhoebeHi, so what happened?
RachelWell, Ross said my name.
PhoebeYeah, I know, but I don't think that means anything.
RachelOk, Pheebs, you know what, let's look at this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The obsession starts. All right? Summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. Right? So then...
Chandler(To Monica) Hey, listen, why don't we go change in my room?
MonicaMy clothes are... ohh! (They both leave.)
(Cut to Chandler's room, he opens the door slowly to see if Joey is there and after seeing that he isn't, ushers Monica into the room, closes the door, and the security bar.)
ChandlerWow, you look...
MonicaNo time for that!
(They both start to frantically rip each other's clothes off, but are interrupted when Joey tries to open the door.)
JoeyHey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here!
ChandlerWell, I've got a girl in here.
JoeyNo you don't, I just saw you go in there with Monica!
ChandlerWell, we're-we're hanging out in here!
JoeyWhich one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?
ChandlerWell, I suppose I would have to say you! But, what if we're watching a movie in here?
MonicaWhich we are, and-and we already paid for it. It's My Giant!
JoeyMy Giant? I love that movie! Ross and Emily's room, Chandler and Monica are still looking for a place to do the deed. MonicaYou really think this is ok?
ChandlerWell, Ross and Emily aren't gonna use it.
MonicaOh, it's so beautiful. Ohh! You know, I-I don't know if I feel right about this.
ChandlerOh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The room would be disappointed if it didn't get sex. All the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser.
MonicaOk!
ChandlerOk!
(They both run to rip the covers off the bed, but are interrupted by Ross.)
Ross(Entering) Emily?!
ChandlerNope, not under here!
MonicaYou didn't find her?
RossNo, I've looked everywhere!
ChandlerWell, you couldn't have looked everywhere or else you would've found her!
MonicaYeah, I think you should keep looking!
ChandlerYeah, for about, 30 minutes?
MonicaOr 45.
ChandlerWow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice. (Monica smiles at that.)
RossNo! For all I know, she's trying to find me but couldn't because I kept moving around. No-no, from now on, I'm staying in one place. (He sits down on the bed.) Right here.
MonicaWell, it's getting late.
ChandlerYeah, we're gonna go.
RossActually, you guys mind staying here for a while?
MonicaUgh, you know, umm we gotta get up early and catch that plane to New York.
ChandlerYeah, it's a very large plane.
Ross(disappointed) That's cool.
ChandlerBut, we'll stay here with you.
RossThanks guys! (They both sit down on either side of him.) I really appreciate this, you know, but you don't have to rub my butt.
(Chandler slowly takes his hand away.) Ross and Emily's room, the next morning. Ross is now asleep and has his head in Monica's lap and his feet on Chandler's lap. Monica and Chandler are both still awake and depressed. ChandlerWe have to leave for New York in an hour.
MonicaI know, I've been looking at those doors, they look pretty sound-proof, don't you think?
ChandlerWe can't do that, that's insane. I mean 'A', he could wake up, and 'B', you know, let's go for it.
(They both try to slowly extricate themselves from Ross, but there's a knock on the door that awakens him.)
RossEm-Emily? (Looking around for her.) Em-Emily? (He runs to the door.) Emily! (He opens the door to reveal the Walthams standing outside.)
Mr. WalthamNo.
Mrs. WalthamYou can forget about Emily, she's not with us.
Mr. WalthamWe've come for her things.
RossWait, well wh-wh-wh-where is she?
Mr. WalthamShe's in hiding. She's utterly humiliated. She doesn't want to see you ever again.
Mrs. WalthamWe're very sad that it didn't work out between you and Emily, monkey. But, I think you're absolutely delicious.
Mr. WalthamExcuse me, I'm standing right here!
Mrs. WalthamOh yes, there you are.
Rachel(Entering, carrying an armful of those little soaps.) Hey-hey, you guys go hurry up, get some, there's a whole cart outside... (Sees the Walthams and stops.)
Mr. WalthamGoodbye Geller.
RossNo, hold on! Hold on! (Stops him) Look, look, your daughter and I are supposed to leave tonight for our honeymoon, now-now you-you tell her that I'm gonna be at that airport and I hope that she'll be there too! Oh yeah, I said Rachel's name, but it didn't mean anything, Ok? She's-she's just a friend, that's all! (Rachel sits down, depressed.) Now, look, just tell Emily that I love her and that I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. Please, promise me, that you'll tell her that.
Mr. WalthamAll right, I'll tell her. (To his wife) Come on buggerface!
Mrs. Waltham(As she walks pass Ross, she pats his butt.) Call me.
Mr. WalthamYou spend half your life in the bathroom, why don't you ever go out the bloody window?! A 747 somewhere over the North Atlantic, Monica and Chandler are sitting in first class, depressed. MonicaYou know, maybe it's best we never got to do it again.
ChandlerYeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. (Realises something) You know, technically we still are over international waters.
MonicaI'm gonna go to the bathroom, maybe I'll see you there in a bit?
ChandlerOk!
(Monica gets up and heads for the bathroom, Chandler turns to watch her go and is startled to see Joey sitting in Monica's seat.)
JoeyCan I ask you something?
ChandlerUhh, no.
JoeyFelicity and I, we were watching My Giant, right? And I was thinking, "I'm never gonna be as good an actor as that giant." Do you think I'm just wasting my life with this acting thing?
ChandlerNo.
JoeyI mean, the giant is like five years younger than me, you know, you think I'll ever get there?
ChandlerYes.
JoeyThanks man.
ChandlerOk man. (Chandler starts to get up.)
JoeyBut what about how much taller he is than me?
(Time lapse, Chandler is finishing his third little bottle of booze.)
JoeyI mean, there's no way I can make myself taller now, you know? And who knows what science will come up with in the future, but Chandler, what if I die an unsuccessful, regular sized man?
(Monica returns.)
JoeyHey, Monica, wow you've been in the bathroom for like a half-hour.
MonicaI know!
JoeyHad the beef tips, huh? Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating cereal from a bowl she has balanced on her stomach as Joey, Chandler, and Monica return. PhoebeHey!
ChandlerHey!
JoeyHi!
(They all hug.)
Phoebe(To Joey) You ate meat! (Joey is shocked) (To Chandler and Monica) You had sex! (They're shocked.)
ChandlerNo we didn't!
PhoebeI know you didn't, I was talking about Monica.
MonicaPhoebe, I did not have sex.
PhoebeThis pregnancy is throwing me all off and making me fat.
JoeyAll right, I'm gonna go say hi to the chick and the duck.
PhoebeOh, me too!
JoeyWhy would you need to say hi to 'em, you've been feeding 'em for four days?
PhoebeOh, right, maybe I'll just go home.
(She grabs her bag and leaves, Joey moves a little quicker to his apartment, leaving Monica and Chandler alone.)
MonicaWell, we certainly are alone.
ChandlerYes! Good thing we had that 'Not in New York' rule.
MonicaRight. Umm, listen, since we're-we-re on that subject, umm, I just wanted to tell you that uh, well, I-I was going through a really hard time in London, what with my brother getting married and that guy thinking I was Ross's mother...
ChandlerRight.
MonicaWell, an-anyway, I just-that night meant a lot to me, and- I guess I'm trying to say thanks.
ChandlerOh. You know, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn't 'cause I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me 'cause, you're really hot! Is that ok?
Monica(Laughs) That's ok.
ChandlerAnd I'm cute too.
MonicaAnd you're cute too.
ChandlerThank you! (They hug.) All right, I gotta go unpack.
MonicaOk.
ChandlerBye.
(After he closes the door, Monica starts to follow him, but thinks better of it and stops.)
Chandler(Entering) I'm still on London time, does that count?
MonicaOh, that counts!
ChandlerOh, good! (They start kissing.) An airport in London, Ross is waiting for Emily to show up to go on their honeymoon and sees Rachel walking past. RossRach! Rach!
Rachel(She stops and turns) Hi!
RossHi! What're you, what're you doing here?
RachelWell, I-I-I've been on standby for a flight home for hours.
RossOh.
RachelOhh, so no sign of Emily huh?
RossNot yet.
RachelSo umm, what time are you supposed to leave?
Gate Agent(On the PA) This is the last call for Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call.
RossPretty soon I guess.
RachelYeah. I'm sorry.
RossI just, I don't understand, I mean, how-how could she do this? You know, what, am I, am I like a complete idiot for thinking she'd actually show up?
RachelNo, you're not an idiot, Ross. You're a guy very much in love.
RossSame difference.
Gate Agent(On the PA) All ticketed passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now be on board.
RossI get it! Well, that's that.
RachelNo, you know what, I think you should go.
RossWhat?
RachelYeah, I do. I think you should go, by yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I think it'd be really good.
RossOh, I, I, I don't-I don't know...
RachelOh, come on Ross! I think it would be really good for you!
RossI could, yeah, I could do that.
RachelYeah.
RossI can't, I can't even believe her! Now, you know what, I am, I am gonna go!
RachelGood!
RossWhy not?
RachelRight!
RossRight?
RachelRight!
RossYou know, thanks! (They hug)
RachelOk, I'll see you back at home, if I ever get a flight out of here.
RossHey, well...nah.
RachelWhat? Wait, what?
RossWhy don't you come? I mean, I-I have two tickets, why not?
RachelWell-well, I don't, Ross, really?
RossYeah, yeah, it'll be great! I mean, you can, you can lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed marriage. See-see how I make jokes?
RachelUh-huh.
RossNo really, I mean, God, I could use a friend.
RachelOh wow, uh ok, uh maybe. Umm, yes, I can do that!
RossOk!
RachelOk!
RossCool!
RachelAll right!
RossCome on! (They go to the jetway, Ross hands the tickets to the gate agent.) Here.
RachelOh, ok, we're going to Greece. Yeah, ok.
RossAh! Ah! I forgot my jacket!
RachelOh, wait-wait-wait...
RossYou tell them to wait!
RachelOk. Wait! Wait!
(Ross retrieves his jacket and sees that not only has Emily arrived, but also she has seen Rachel take her place on the plane.)
RossEmily.
(She stares at him and Ross realises what she's thinking.)
RossOh no-no-no! Oh-no! (Emily starts to run out and Ross chases her.) No! No! Emily! Flight 1066 to Athens, Rachel is ordering a drink for Ross and herself. RachelAhh, yes, I will have a glass of the Merlot. And uh, (Points to Ross's seat.) he will have a white wine spritzer.
{Air HostessOk, good. Thank you. I'll be back shortly, all right?
RachelAll right. Woo! (Looks out the window.) Hey, look at that, the airport's moving. (Realises that that's not how it works.) Hey, are we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving? They said they were gonna wait! (Yells after the air hostess) Miss? Yeah, does the captain know that we're moving? Oh my gosh... Ross, you better be under the wheels of this thing!}
Air HostessOk.
RachelWoo! (Looks out the window.) Hey, look at that, the airport's moving. (Realises that that's not how it works.) Hey, are we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving? Yeah, does captain know that we're moving? Oh my gosh.

Written by Seth Kurland; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Eric Aasen and by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp