The Hospital, Phoebe is arriving with Ross, Joey, and Rachel in tow. Phoebe(to the nurse) Hi.
NurseHi.
PhoebeHi, yeah, hi! I'm umm, Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming out of me.
NurseOk. Have you started having contractions?
PhoebeNot yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt, do they hurt?
NurseWell...
PhoebeOh my God!
RossIt's ok.
NurseNow, which of you is the father? (Points to Joey and Ross)
PhoebeOh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother.
Nurse(Not sure what to do with that) Ok...
RachelI am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that!
JoeyOk, uh, Pheebs, Look-look! This, (His video camera) is for the babies to look at someday, so, is-is there anything you wanna say? You know before it all starts?
PhoebeOh, ok, umm, hi kids! Um, it's me, Aunt Phoebe. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me!
(Monica and Chandler come running in.)
RossHey, what took you guys so long? Your cab left when ours did!
(There's a pause as they figure out what to say.)
MonicaWell, we-we had to go back 'cause I forget my jacket.
ChandlerThat's right.
(Both Rachel and Ross stare at her for a moment.)
RachelYou-you're not wearing a jacket.
MonicaOh man! I did it again!
Phoebe(Standing up) Ok, so umm, we have, someone has to call Frank and Alice. (As she is talking Joey is sticking the camera under her skirt.) And then my mom might (Notices Joey) Joey, what're you doing?!
JoeyI gotta get the before shot!
(She shakes her head no.) The delivery room, Rachel and Ross are entering. RachelHi, Pheebs? Ok, so we just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming.
PhoebeWhat?!
RossApparently she fell in the shower and hit her head.
PhoebeOh my God, she's so stupid!
RossLook, Pheebs-Pheebs, it's gonna be ok.
PhoebeThat's easy for you to say, I don't see three kids coming out your vagina!
RachelHoney, listen, you know what? The nurse said the doctor is wonderful.
RossYeah, he's head of the department.
PhoebeAw. All right- Ooh! Oh dear God, save me!
MonicaWhat?
PhoebeI'm having my first contraction!
ChandlerOh oh.
PhoebeOoh, it's not bad.
ChandlerOk.
JoeyOh! (In an announcer type voice) And so the miracle of birth begins, and aaiiyyyeeee! (He grabs his side and doubles over in pain.)
ChandlerHey! You ok?
JoeyOoh, something hurts!
PhoebeOoh, it's sympathy pains. Ohh, that's so sweet!
JoeyAre they? Hey I didn't know I cared that much.
(The doctor, Dr. Harad, enters.)
RossHello.
Dr. HaradHi! Phoebe, I'm Dr. Harad, I'm gonna be delivering your babies. I want you to know, you're gonna be in good hands. I've been doing this for a long time. I'll be back in a minute to do your internal, in the meantime, just relax, because everything here looks great. And also, I love Fonzie. (Exits)
ChandlerDid he just say, he loves Fonzie?
MonicaThat's what it sounded like.
ChandlerAll right...
Frank(Entering) Hey!
AllHey!
Frank(To Phoebe) Hey! Am I late? Am I late? Nobody came out yet, right?
PhoebeNo-no-no! We haven't started yet. Where's Alice?
FrankUh, Delaware. She's on her way though, so until she gets here, I'm gonna be your coach. But don't worry, she told me all about the la-Mazda stuff.
ChandlerYeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing.
FrankYeah. The waiting room, Monica and Joey are sitting there. Rachel(Entering) Monica? You're gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses.
JoeyOh my!
RachelThey're male nurses.
JoeyNot in my head.
RachelAnyway, they wanna take us out Saturday night! What do you say?
MonicaUmm. (Looks at Chandler who is using the phone.) Umm. I don't think so.
RachelWhat? What're you talking about?! You-you're the one who's been telling me to get over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and you're moving on with me. Come on, give me one good reason why you don't wanna go.
MonicaUmm, why don't you give me something that would be a good reason and-and then I'll tell you whether it's true.
RachelWhat?
MonicaHarder than it sounds, isn't it?
RachelOk, you're coming with me, and I also told them that if we're still here when they get off that we'll go down to the cafeteria and have some Jell-O with them.
Joey(in a sexy voice) Yep! There's always room for Jell-O...
RachelJoey, how do you make that dirty?
JoeyUh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh, (snaps his fingers and in a sexy voice) Grandma's chicken salad... The delivery room, Chandler, Frank, and Ross are with Phoebe. Joey(Entering) Ross! Get a shot of this. (He's carrying an issue of the USA Today and hands Ross the camera.) Hey babies! These are the headlines on the day you were born! Ok, now girl baby turn away and boy babies... (Throws the paper away to reveal a copy of Playpen) Check it out, huh?! This is what naked women looked like the month you were born. All right, now let's dive right into the good stuff. (Joey opens the magazine and Ross sticks the camera in it.)
PhoebeOh, ok, I'm having another one! This one doesn't hurt either- Ooh, yes it does! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! (Checks under the blanket.) Oh, I was kinda hoping that was it.
RossHey, where are Monica and Rachel anyway?
JoeyOh, a couple of nurses asked them out. Maybe they're with them.
ChandlerReally? Male nurses?
JoeyYeah, I was bummed too.
ChandlerSo they're going on dates? When?
JoeyI think Saturday- (groans in pain again).
Frank(To Phoebe) What's with him?
PhoebeUmm, sympathy pains. I thought it was really sweet at first, but now I think he's just trying to steal my thunder.
Dr. Harad(Entering) Ok!
PhoebeOk.
Dr. HaradLet's see what we got here. Ohh, you know, Fonzie dated triplets.
ChandlerThis-this Fonzie person you keep referring to, is that uh, is that another doctor?
Dr. HaradOh no-no-no. Fonzie is the nickname of Arthur Fonzerelli. The Fonz.
ChandlerAll right.
(Dr. Harad exits.)
FrankIt's not that weird, is it?
PhoebeIt's very weird! I don't want some guy down there telling me, I'm you know, dilated-amundo!
RossTo be fair, he doesn't seem to be impersonating Fonzie...
Phoebe(Interrupting) What're you doing?! Why are you defending him?! Just get me another doctor! One who is not crazy and is not Fonzie!
RossAgain, it's not that he...
(Phoebe fakes pain to get Ross looking for another doctor.) The waiting room, Chandler is looking for Monica. Chandler(Spotting her) Oh-hey-hey-hey! There you are!
MonicaUmm, listen, I-I think there's something you should know.
ChandlerOh, is this about you, you dating the nurse? Yeah, yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, you know, we're nothing, we're goofing around.
MonicaUmm, actually I was about to tell you that I was, I was going to get out of it, but hey, if we're just goofing around then uh, maybe I will go out with him.
ChandlerFine! Maybe I will too!
Joey(Entering from the elevator caring gifts for the kids) Hey, you guys! Look what I found in the giiiiiiift shop. (He doubles over in pain in front an old man in a wheel chair.) Get up! Get up! Get up! (The old man waves him away.) The delivery room, Ross has returned with another doctor. This one, is well, younger. RossOk, Pheebs, this is Dr. Oberman. He has no strong feelings about Fonzie or any of the Happy Days gang.
PhoebeHi! And you're going into what grade?
Dr. ObermanUmm, I'm actually a first year resident, but I get that a lot, you see, I-I graduated early...
Phoebe(Interrupting) Uh-huh, me too. Ross, maybe I should've specified that I'd be needing a grown up doctor.
Dr. ObermanOh no, really I'm fully qualified to...
PhoebeShh! Doogie, shh! Doesn't anybody understand that I'm going to be having babies soon? Huh? Go! Go little boy, go!
(He runs out and Frank watches him go.)
FrankOh cool! You made him cry! Another hospital room, Joey has now been admitted and his doctor is about to break the bad news to him, Monica, and Chandler. Joey's DoctorMr. Tribbiani, I'm afraid you've got kidney stones.
JoeyUmm, well, what else could it be?
Joey's DoctorIt's kidney stones.
JoeyOr?
Joey's DoctorKidney stones! (Walks away)
JoeyWell if it was something else...
ChandlerWell it would not be (imitating the doctor with his accent) be kidney stones! The delivery room, Dr. Harad is back and checking on Phoebe. Dr. HaradAll right, you're getting there. Oh you know, these babies are very, very lucky.
PhoebeThey are. Why?
Dr. HaradThey have the honor of being born on The Fonz's half-birthday.
PhoebeHappy birthday!
Dr. HaradJust-just to clarify, I'm not Fonzie. (Phoebe nods in agreement as he leaves.)
RachelHoney, you know I just gotta tell you, I think this is such a terrific thing that you're having these babies for Frank and Alice.
PhoebeI know, it is.
RachelYeah!
PhoebeCan I tell you a little secret?
RachelYeah!
PhoebeI want to keep one. (Giggles in excitement.)
RachelOhh, I'm gonna be on the news! Ok, Phoebe, honey, you've gotta be kidding. I mean, you know you can't keep one of these babies!
PhoebeWhy not?! Maybe I can, you don't know!
RachelWh- Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! I do know! Frank and Alice are gonna wanna keep all of their children!
PhoebeMaybe not! You know? Seriously, three babies are a handful maybe they're you know, looking for a chance to unload one of them. Listen, I-I hate to miss an opportunity just 'cause I didn't ask!
RachelPhoebe, no! This is, this is insane.
PhoebeOh, just ask him!
RachelWh- Me?!
PhoebeI can't ask him! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that would be?! All I'm saying is just talk to Frank. Ok? Just, you know, feel him out!
RachelNo! Forget it! I am not gonna ask Frank to give you one of his kids!
PhoebeYou're right.
(There's an awkward silence then suddenly Phoebe gets an idea.)
PhoebeTell him it's for you. Joey's room, his doctor, Chandler, and Monica are there. MonicaFeel you know better sweetie?
JoeyYeah maybe a little. I wish you hadn't seen me throw up.
MonicaMe too.
Ross(Entering) Hey! I just heard. What's up?
Joey's DoctorKidney stones! Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're to close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra...
Joey(Interrupting) Whoa-whoa! No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Ok? Up, up is not an option- what's urethra? (Monica whispers what it is in his ear.) Are you crazy?! The delivery room, Rachel and Frank are there. Phoebe(To Rachel) So did you ask him?
RachelNo, I haven't had a chance to be alone with him yet.
PhoebeWell, I'm kinda on a clock here.
Dr. Harad(Laughing) Oh Fonzie.
RachelYou know who I always liked? Mork.
(Dr. Harad drops what he's doing and stares at her.)
PhoebeUndo it. Undo it. Undo it.
Dr. HaradFonzie met Mork. Mork froze Fonzie.
RachelYeah, but umm... Yes, but, Fonzie was already cool, so he wasn't hurt, right?
Dr. HaradYeah, that's right.
Monica(Entering with Chandler) Hey!
PhoebeHi!
Monica(To Phoebe) How're you doing?
PhoebeOk, doctor says it's any minute now.
FrankHey, you know, Alice is gonna be here so soon, you couldn't just like do me a favor and like, like hold them in?
PhoebeSorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do.
(A male nurse enters.)
Male NurseHey!
RachelHi!
Male NurseRachel.
RachelUm, Monica, this is Dan (Points to him), one of the guys that we're gonna be going out with on Saturday. (Mouths "He's yours." to her.) Uh Dan, Monica.
DanNice to meet you.
MonicaHello Dan! I'm really looking forward to Saturday night! Really, really!
ChandlerSo Dan, nurse not a doctor huh? Kinda girlie isn't it?
MonicaChandler!
DanNah that's ok. I'm just doing this to put myself through medical school.
ChandlerOh.
DanAnd it didn't feel so girlie during the Gulf War.
ChandlerSure. (Pause) And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way. (Retreats in defeat.)
MonicaSo, why wait 'til Saturday, are-are you free tomorrow?
DanSure! I'll get somebody to cover my shift.
MonicaOh, great!
Chandler(to another female nurse) Hey, how about it? You and me, Saturday night?
Delivery Room NurseNo.
ChandlerAll right. Very good.
PhoebeOo, this is a big one. Eww! Arghhhh!
[Cut to Joey's room, who's going throw his own contractions. Plus, he has Ross in a headlock.]
JoeyOhh, get these things out of me!
RossBreathe! Breathe! Breathe through the pain.
(Joey starts breathing hard)
JoeyI want the drugs Ross, I want the drugs! (He starts rocking back and forth, taking Ross with him.)
RossI do too! I do too!
JoeyArgh!
RossArgh!
JoeyArgh!
RossArgh! The waiting room, Frank is on the phone as Rachel approaches. FrankYeah, I love you. Ok, bye! (To Rachel) Hi!
RachelHi!
FrankThat was Alice's mom, she said, that she left five hours ago. She should be here by now!
RachelOh, honey, don't worry. She's gonna make it on time.
FrankYeah.
RachelYeah. So, Frank, uh, three babies. Whew, that just seems like a lot, huh?
Frank(Laughs) Not to me.
RachelYeah, fair enough. The delivery room, later on, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Frank are there as Dr. Harad is checking out Phoebe. Dr. HaradOk, you're ten centimeters. Time to start having some babies. All right, I want only the father in here please.
(They all kiss her and wish her luck.)
MonicaBye Dan!
DanUh, bye Monica.
ChandlerBye, momi-moo.
(Everyone except Frank leaves.)
Dr. HaradAll right, I need a clamp, sterile towel, and channel 31.
PhoebeWhat is that?
(Dan turns on the TV and the Happy Days theme song comes on.)
PhoebeOh my God!
Dr. HaradOh, no-no-no, it's a good one! Fonzie plays the bongos. All right, are you ready? It's time to try pushing.
[Cut to Joey's room, his doctor and Ross are there.]
Joey's DoctorAre you ready? It's time to try peeing. (Joey makes a face like he is trying to pee.) Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! It's almost time to try peeing. (Points at the bottle Joey is to pee into.)
[Cut to the delivery room.]
Dr. HaradYou know, push! That's it, push! Just concentrate on pushing! Yeah, here we go!
DanI see the head.
FrankYes, it has a head!
Dr. HaradAll right. Let's keep pushing! Come on!
FrankI can't believe there's somebody coming out of you right now. There's somebody coming out of you! Is it? Is it? That's my son.
Dr. HaradAll right. Here's your first baby.
[Cut to the waiting room, a triumphant Frank rushes in.]
FrankYESSSSS!!! Yes! We got a baby boy!
ChandlerYes!
FrankFrank Jr. Jr.!
RachelOh, how does he look? How does he look?
FrankSo gross! (He runs back to the delivery room.) {The image of newborn babies is largely distorted by the media these days. We see chubby, bright eyed, smiling babies. This means that when your baby is born, you might be in for quite a shock as to what a real, healthy newborn looks like in person. This is a guided tour of some of the elements of newborn appearance that might surprise you. [link]}
[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is about to give birth to the middle kid.]
Dr. HaradOk. You ready to push again?
PhoebeI already had a baby. Leave me alone.
FrankOk, ok, come on, you can do it. You can do it!
(Phoebe screams in pain, and Frank screams with her.)
[Cut to the waiting room, a twice triumphant Frank returns.]
FrankYeah! Little Leslie is here! We got another one! Oh my God, I can't believe I have two-two children. How scary is that? (He returns to the delivery room.)
[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is at it for the last time.]
FrankCome on little Chandler, it's time to be born. Come on little Chandler! Come on!
Dr. HaradYep. All right, he's coming. He's coming!
(They both stare at the newborn.)
FrankHey, where's his thing?
[Cut to the waiting room, a thrice triumphant Frank returns again.]
FrankChandler's a girl!
ChandlerOh God, kindergarten flashback.
FrankOh, they must've read the sonogram wrong. 'Cause they, 'cause they thought it was a boy, but Chandler's a girl! Chandler's a girl!
ChandlerOk, keep saying it!
Alice(Running in from the elevator) Am I too late?!
FrankNo-no-no, everything's ok. Everybody's healthy there's 30 fingers and 30 toes.
AliceWe have our babies?
FrankYeah.
Alice(Starting to cry) Oh, we have our babies.
(They hug. And quickly that hug turns into a heated make out session, right there on the waiting room couch. Chandler, Rachel, and Monica quickly make their exits.) Joey's room, he is recovering from his birth. JoeyOh my God.
RossYou did it, man.
Joey's DoctorWould you like to see them? (He hands Joey a little jar.)
JoeyThey're so small! (Both he and Ross look at them with satisfied looks on their faces.) A hallway, Monica and Dan are talking. DanSo I'll call you tomorrow.
MonicaGreat!
(Dan leaves as Chandler enters.)
ChandlerSo, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
MonicaWell uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not just goof around with him.
ChandlerYou know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition, is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. You know. But if you have this newfangled dictionary that gets you mad at me, then we have to, you know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this.
MonicaI think you're better than you think you are.
ChandlerReally? Ok, so...
Monica(Interrupting) Know when to stop.
ChandlerYou know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're ok?
MonicaYeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around.) Don't do the dance.
ChandlerRight! The delivery room, everyone except Rachel is there. Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are holding the babies. MonicaI think you're my favorite.
PhoebeWhich one do you have?
MonicaI don't care.
Rachel(Entering) Hi. (To Phoebe) Hey, hi! So uh, Frank and Alice wanted me to tell you that they're still outside making phone calls.
PhoebeOh. But umm, I mean, did you talk to them about, you know...
RachelYeah, umm, no, honey.
PhoebeOh. Ok. It was a long shot. Hey, you guys, can I just have, like a second alone with the babies.
AllOhh. Yeah, sure yeah. Yeah.
(They hand her the babies and leave them alone.)
PhoebeSo, here you are. God, it seems like yesterday I was talking to you in that little Petri dish. Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong, this is. Well, I had the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you everyday. Ok, I'll settle for being your favorite aunt. I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Ok, so we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives! (Imitates the high fives.) Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! (One of the babies begins to cry.) Well, if you're gonna cry. (She starts crying.) The delivery room, everyone is hanging out with Phoebe. Frank, Alice, and the kids aren't there. MonicaPhoebe, we are so proud of you! You're amazing!
PhoebeI know.
RachelSo does it really hurt as bad as they say?
PhoebeYeah. You won't be able to take it.
ChandlerSo uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what're they gonna name her?
PhoebeThey're gonna call her Chandler.
ChandlerKind of a, masculine name, don't you think?
PhoebeWorks on you.
RossAnd maybe they can girlie it up a little bit, um, like Chandlerette.
PhoebeAlice called her, um, Channy-Fanny.
JoeyHa-ha. Channy-Fanny. (Points to Chandler)

Written by Marta Kauffman & David Crane; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp.