Chandler and Joey's, 3:02 A.M., Chandler is up. There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.
Chandler(quietly) Hey. (They both start kissing.)
(Joey enters and Chandler pushes her away.)
JoeyMonica? What time is it?
ChandlerUhh, 9. (He pushes the clock into the sink.)
JoeyBut it's dark out.
MonicaUhm. Well that's because you always sleep till noon, silly! This is what 9 looks like.
JoeyI guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that sunrise. (He goes into the bathroom.)
MonicaI'm really getting tired of sneaking around.
ChandlerAw. I know, me too. Hey! You know what if we went away for a whole weekend? You know there're no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.
MonicaAll weekend? That's a whole lotta naked.
ChandlerYeah, I can say that I have a conference and you can say you have a chef thing.
MonicaOhh, I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair that they have in Jersey!
ChandlerOk, you know you're not, though. Let's go. (He starts for his bedroom.)
MonicaAll right. Wait! What about Joey?
(Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey passed out on the toilet with a toothbrush in his mouth.)
Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.
Monica(Entering from her room) Hey, guess what I'm doing this weekend! I'm going to this culinary fair in Jersey.
PhoebeHow weird, Chandler just told us he's got a conference there!
MonicaAw. Well that-that-that's funny, seems like Chandler's conference could've been in Connecticut or Vermont.
ChandlerI'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference.
RossIs Rachel here? I gotta talk to her.
MonicaNo, she's out shopping.
ChandlerWhat's going on?
RossI told Emily to come. And I just need to, you know, talk to Rachel about it.
PhoebeWait a minute! So, when Emily comes you're just, you're not gonna see Rachel anymore?
RossWell look, I'm just trying to focus on the "I get to see my wife" part, all right? And not the part that makes me do this. (He takes a big swig of Pepto Bismol.)
MonicaAw, so you guys are, you're never gonna be in the same room together? How is that even gonna work?
RossI have no idea. I mean... But-but I assure you I-I will figure it out.
(They all reflect briefly on what was said.)
JoeyDoesn't seem like it's gonna work.
Rachel(Entering) Hi, guys!
RachelWhat's going on?
ChandlerWe're flipping Monica's mattress.
JoeySo I'm thinking, basically we pick it up and then we flip it.
PhoebeYeah that's better than my way.
(They all agree and head to Monica's room.)
RachelOh ok, hey, guys, would you flip mine too?
ChandlerAww, man! (They go into Monica's room.)
Rachel(Going through the mail) Oh look! A letter from my mom.
RossSo, Rach, you know-you know how Emily's coming, right?
RachelOh yeah! I know.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler is trying to listen through the door.]
Phoebe(To Chandler) Can you hear anything?
ChandlerOh, yes, somebody just said, "Can you hear anything?"
(Joey is bent over at the waist and is looking for something under Monica's bed.)
MonicaHey, Joey's ass! What're you doing?
Joey(Holding a box) Well, remember when they got in that big fight and broke up and we were all stuck in here all night with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said Rachel at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, you know? so I hid this in here.
MonicaOoh, candy bars, crossword puzzles...
PhoebeOoh, Madlibs, mine! (Grabs it.) (Opens the book) Ok, "Name of someone in room."
Phoebe Come on, seriously. (Chandler is less than enthused with the comment.)
ChandlerHey, what you got in here? Magazines, Dorito, Condoms?
JoeyHey you don't know how long we're gonna be in here! We may have to repopulate the Earth.
ChandlerAnd condoms are the way to do that?
[Cut to the living room.]
RossAnyway it-it kinda-it all boils down to this, the- the last time I talked to Emily...
Rachel(Interrupting) Oh my God! Our dog died!
RachelOh our dog, Le Poo!
RossLe Poo's still alive?! (Rachel shoves the note in Ross' face.) Ohh! Sorry.
RachelIt says he was hit by an ice cream truck and dragged for nine-(Turns over the note)-teen blocks. Oh. (They all come out from Monica's bedroom) Oh my God.
MonicaSweetie, we heard you crying. Please don't cry.
RachelIt's Le Poo.
PhoebeI know it's le poo right now, but it'll get better.
Atlantic City, New Jersey, Chandler and Monica are about to start their weekend of sex, sex, nothing but sex.
Chandler(Jumping on the bed) I can't believe it! We're here!
MonicaOoh, chocolates on the pillows! I love that!
ChandlerOh, you should live with Joey, Rolos everywhere. (They come closer together.) This is so great. No one's gonna come in and bother us. And we're gonna do it. (Yells) I'm gonna do it with Monica!
MonicaChandler! (Yells) Chandler! Stop yelling that you and I are gonna do it! (They kiss.) Ohh, I'll be right back.
(Goes to the bathroom and Chandler turns on the TV and finds a high-speed police chase.)
ChandlerOh yes! Monica, get in here! There's a high-speed car chase on!
(Monica returns, carrying a glass.)
MonicaWe're switching rooms.
Chandler(Looks at what she's holding and shies away) Oh dear God, they gave us glasses!
MonicaNo, they gave us glasses with lipstick on them! I mean, if they didn't change the glasses, who knows what else they didn't change.
ChandlerYou wanna switch rooms because they didn't change the glasses?
MonicaWell, I, I didn't wanna say anything but the carpet smells too. Come on, I just, I want this weekend to be perfect, Ok? We can change rooms, can't we?
ChandlerOk, but let's do it now though, because Chopper 5 just lost its feed! (He grabs their bags and sprints out.)
Central Perk, Phoebe is singing and playing her guitar. Ross and Rachel are listening to her.
PhoebeLa-la-la (Whistles) La-la-la (Whistles again as someone leaves). La-la (Whistles) (Phoebe starts to get the hint.) Forget it! (Gets up)
Ross (to Rachel) Hey, so uh, you know how there was something I wanted to talk to you about?
RachelOh, yeah! (Turns to face him.)
RossWell, you know how I'm trying to work things out with Emily. Well, there's this one thing... Ok, (Rachel has her back turned to the camera, and Ross isn't looking at her.) here goes. I made a promise that- (They cut to the other camera and Ross notices something coming out of Rachel's nose) Oh hey!
RossYou-your nose is bleeding!
RachelOh God. (He hands her some tissues.) No! Oh not again! (Wiping her nose.) This-this happened when my grandfather died. It's ugh! Sorry. (She puts her head back.) Oh, ok, so I'm sorry, what-what were you-what did you wanna tell me?
RossUmm... (Rachel blows her nose.)
RossOk, I uh, I can't see you anymore.
RachelYeah, you know, I know. It's ridiculous. I can't see you either. (Gets up) All right. You know what? I'm just gonna go shove a bunch of tissues in my nose. Oh hey, do you wanna tell me while I do that? (Small pause)
Chandler and Monica's weekend, a hotel clerk is showing them their new room.
Hotel ClerkI think you'll find this room more to your liking.
ChandlerOk, great. (He grabs the remote and turns on the TV to the chase.)
Hotel Clerk(Watching the chase) They say he's only got half a tank left.
ChandlerHalf a tank? We still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do!
Hotel ClerkI'll bet he's heading for Canada.
ChandlerThey always do.
MonicaWe're switching rooms again.
MonicaThis is a garden view room, and we paid for an ocean view room.
Hotel ClerkOur last ocean view room was unacceptable to you.
Monica The carpet smelled.
MonicaNo, like feet.
Monica(To Chandler) Excuse me, umm, can I talk to you over here for just a second?
ChandlerUh-huh. (He doesn't take his eyes off the TV.)
Chandler(Turning to face her) Yeah.
MonicaLook, these clowns are trying to take us for a ride and I'm not gonna let 'em! And we're not a couple of suckers!
ChandlerI hear ya, Mugsy! But look, all these rooms are fine ok? Can you just pick one so I can watch- (Realizes) have a perfect, magical weekend together with you.
Hotel ClerkWoah! (Chandler runs back to the TV.)
ChandlerOh man, he almost hit a gas truck.
Hotel Clerk(to Chandler) Do you ever watch Baywatch? (Chandler puts his arm around him.)
[Time lapse, Monica and Chandler have changed rooms yet again.]
MonicaOk, this one I like!
Chandler(Watching TV, in fact, ER is on.) Nothing! It's over! Damn it! This is regularly scheduled programming! I wanted to see them talk to his neighbors.
MonicaWell, I'm standing right here, you could talk to me.
ChandlerYou didn't know him.
MonicaCan-can we turn the TV off? Ok? Do-do we really wanna spend the entire weekend like this?
ChandlerOh, I'm sorry, am I getting in the way of all the room switching fun?
MonicaHey, don't blame me for ruining tonight!
ChandlerOh, who should I blame? The nice bellman who had to drag our luggage to 10 different rooms?
MonicaOh, I don't know, how about the idiot who thought he could drive from Albany to Canada on a half a tank of gas!
ChandlerDo not speak ill of the dead.
MonicaWe're supposed to, be spending a-a romantic weekend together, it-it, what is the matter with you?
ChandlerI just wanna watch a little television. What is the big deal? Geez, relax mom.
MonicaWhat did you say?
ChandlerI said, "Geez, relax Monnnnn."
MonicaYou know what Chandler? You like fast getaways? Watch this. (She storms out.)
ChandlerI don't like fast getaways! I like car chases!
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading a magazine and has two tissues stuck up her nose in an attempt to stop the bleeding and as she hears Ross enter, she quickly hides her face behind the magazine and removes the tissues.
RossHey. Rachel, I-I-I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now and I really, I just have to get it out.
RachelOk, all right, what's up?
Ross Ok, before I tell you, I just have to know... is your nose ok?
RossUh, all the other family pets in good health?
RachelWell, uh, let's see. Well Davey's still pining after Le Poo, but you know, he's a tough little turtle.
RossYou know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage?
RachelYeah, I told you to give Emily whatever she wants.
RossAnd while that was good advice, you should know that what-what she wants...
Ross...is for me not to see you anymore.
RachelThat's crazy! You can't do that! What're you gonna tell her? (Pause) (Realizes) Oh, my God. Ohh, you've already agreed to this, haven't you?
RossIt's awful, I know, I- It's, I mean, I feel terrible but I have to do this if I want my marriage to work. And I do, I-I have to make this marriage work. I have to. But the good thing is we can still see each other until she gets here.
RachelOhh! Ohh! Lucky me! Oh, my God! That is good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've heard since Le Poo died!
RossYou have no idea what a nightmare this has been. I- This is so hard.
RachelOh, yeah, really? Is it Ross? Yeah? Ok, well let me just make this a little easier for you.
RossWhat? What are you doing?
RachelI'm storming out!
RossRachel, this is your apartment.
RachelYeah, look that's how mad I am!
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is returning from his disastrous weekend. He throws his bag down and sits down on one of the leather chairs, but he sits on something and picks it up and throws it away.
JoeyHey, you're back!
JoeyHow was your conference?
ChandlerYeah it was terrible. I fought with (Pause) my colleagues you know, the entire time. Are you kidding with this? (Throws away another Rolo)
JoeyUh, so your weekend was a total bust?
ChandlerUh, no, I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator.
JoeyYou know, at the Taj Mahal, he has his own private glass elevator. That's right. Made by Otis Elevators. Yeah. And they usually don't do glass.
ChandlerWhat kinds of stuff do you know?
JoeyHey, you're back too!
MonicaYeah. Umm, Chandler can I talk to you outside for just a second?
JoeyHey, how was your chef thing?
MonicaOh, it was awful. (To Chandler) I guess some people just don't appreciate really good food.
ChandlerWell, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea.
MonicaChandler?! (Motions for him to come outside.)
ChandlerMonica. (Follows her out.)
[In the hall.]
MonicaOk, I'd like to know how much the room was 'cause I wanna pay my half.
ChandlerOk, fine, $300.
ChandlerYeah, just think of it as $25 per room!
Joey(Sticking his head out the door) What are you guys woofing about?
MonicaChandler stole a twenty from my purse!
ChandlerI was only stealing it back, the one that she stole from me.
MonicaStealing and now, lying.
JoeyYou know what? Now that I think about it, I constantly find myself without twenties and you, always have lots!
Central Perk, Ross is drinking some Alka-Seltzer. The rest of the gang, minus Rachel is there as well.
RossYou should've seen the look on her face. God I don't want Rachel to hate me! I don't know what to do.
JoeyYou want my advice?
JoeyYou're not gonna like it.
JoeyYou got married too fast.
RossThat's not advice!
JoeyI told you.
RossGoing to bathroom. (Gets up and exits.)
JoeyMan, if anyone asked me to give up any of you, I don't think I could do it.
Chandler and PhoebeYeah, me either.
MonicaMaybe I could do it.
RachelLook, I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and Ross but you know, I've been obsessing about it all day and I would just love not to talk about it. All right?
JoeyI-I-I don't know if this falls under this category, but uh, Ross is right back there. (Points over his shoulder.)
RachelThat's not Ross!
PhoebeOh no! Not that guy! He does look like him though.
ChandlerOk, Ross is in the bathroom.
RachelOh, my God, it's happening. It's already started. I- I'm Kip.
JoeyHey, you're not Kip!
Rachel(To Joey) Do you even know who Kip is?
JoeyWho cares? You're Rachel! (To Chandler) Who's Kip?
ChandlerKip, my old roommate, you know we all used to hang out together.
JoeyOh, that poor bastard.
RachelSee? Yeah, you told me the story. He and Monica dated when they broke up they couldn't even be in the same room together and you all promised you would stay his friend and what happened? He got phased out!
MonicaYou're not gonna be phased out!
RachelWell, of course I am! It's not gonna happen to Ross! He's your brother. (To Chandler) He's your old college roommate.
PhoebeKip didn't even have to be Kip. We just, we handled that all wrong. It was a long time ago.
JoeyYeah, Rach. And it was before you and me were around. They didn't know what they were doing. Chandler had a mustache for crying out loud.
RachelOh, you know, it was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go.
RachelHoney, come on! You live far away! You're not related. You lift right out.
Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV.
JoeyHey, Mr. Bing. That uh, hotel you stayed at called. Said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.
ChandlerYes that was mine.
Joey'Cause I figured you hooked up with some girl and she left it there.
ChandlerYes that would've made more sense.
JoeyYou know, I-I don't even feel like I know you anymore man! All right, look, I'm just gonna ask you this one time, all right? And whatever you say, I'll believe you. (Pause.) Were you, or were you not, on a gay cruise?!
Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on couch and Rachel is getting some coffee. Phoebe keeps turning her head from to keep from looking at Rachel.
RachelPhoebe? (She turns her head further away.) I'm sorry about the whole lifting out thing. (Moves over next to her.) You gotta come with me!
RachelWherever I go. Come on you and me, we'll-we'll start a new group, we're the best ones.
PhoebeOk, but try to get Joey too.
Ross(Entering) Pheebs, you mind if I speak to Rachel alone for a sec?
PhoebeOh, sure! Yeah. (She gets up to leave.) Bye Ross! (Whispering behind his back.) Forever.
RachelHi. What're you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?
RossI talked to Monica. Look, I'm the one who made the choice. I'm the one who's making things change, so I should be the one to you know, step back.
RossNo, no, it's ok. Really. There're plenty of people who just see their sisters at Thanksgiving and just see their college roommates at reunions and, just see Joey at Burger King. So is, is that better?
RachelNo, it's not better. I still don't get to see you.
RossWell, what-what would you do? Rach, if you were me, what-what would you do?
RachelWell, for starters I would've said the right name at my wedding!
RossI can't believe this is happening.
RossI am so sorry.
RachelI know that too.
Joey(Entering) (He clears his throat to get their attention.) Hey, Rach? Sorry to interrupt but umm, Phoebe said you wanted to talk to me about a trip or something.
Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing a crossword puzzle.
ChandlerI just came over to drop off... nothing. So that weekend kinda sucked, huh?
MonicaYeah, it did.
ChandlerSo, I guess this is over.
ChandlerWell, you know, you and me, I mean it had to end sometime.
ChandlerBecause of the weekend, we had a fight.
MonicaChandler that's crazy! If you give up every time you 've a fight with someone you'd never be with anyone longer than- Ohhh! (They both realize something there.)
ChandlerSo, this isn't over?
Monica(Laughs) You are so cute! No. No, it was a fight. You deal with it, you move on! It's nothing to freak out about.
ChandlerReally? Ok. Great!
MonicaOhh, welcome to an adult relationship! (She goes to kiss him.)
Chandler(Stops her) We're in a relationship?
MonicaI'm afraid so.
Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters.
PhoebeOh hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention.
MonicaYeah, I saw him waiting for an elevator.
(Joey thinks that sounds familiar, but dismisses the thought.)
MonicaHey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler, I think I lost mine.
RachelYeah, it's in the bath. (Points to the bathroom.)
(Joey puts two and two together.)
Joey(shocked) Oh! Ohh! Oh!
ChandlerJoey, can I talk to you for a second? (He grabs him and starts to drag Joey into Monica's room.)
JoeyOohh! Ohh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh!
(Chandler pushes him through the door and Monica closes it behind them.)
[Cut to Monica's room, Chandler tackles Joey onto her bed and tries to cover his mouth.]
ChandlerYes. Yes. (Lets him up.)
Joey(To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?!
MonicaYes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!
ChandlerIt happened in London.
ChandlerThe reason we didn't tell anyone was 'cause we didn't wanna make a big deal out of it.
JoeyBut it is a big deal! I have to tell someone!
(They both grab him and stop him.)
ChandlerNo-no-no-no-no! You can't!
MonicaPlease. Now, I know this is hard.
JoeyIt is. It hurts.
MonicaWe know. Please? Please?! We just don't wanna deal with telling everyone, ok? Ple- Just promise you won't tell.
(Joey thinks it over.)
JoeyAll right! Man, this is unbelievable! I mean, it's great, but...
MonicaI know, it's great!
(She goes over and kisses Chandler.)
JoeyAww, I don't wanna see that!
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]
PhoebeWe're so stupid! Do you know what's going on in there? They're trying to take Joey!
Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Ross are playing Mad Libs. Phoebe is reading hers.
PhoebeThe most popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand Phoebe. And if you win, you must slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say, "Hi, Phoebe!"
MonicaOh that's cute! We really all enjoyed it. But you know, it doesn't count.
PhoebeCount for what?
MonicaJust, count in our heads as-as good Mad Libs.
(They putting their notepads down and get up to leave.)
JoeyI guess I'm done.
MonicaWait-wait, guys! If-if we follow the rules, it's still fun and it means something!
ChandlerI'm gonna take off.
MonicaGuys, rules are good! Rules help control the fun! (They all leave and close the door on Monica.) Ohhh! (Throws her notepad down in disgust.)
Written by Scott Silveri; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp