{If you say that sb's speech or behavior in a particular situation is inappropriate, you are criticizing it because you think it is not suitable for that situation.} Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Ross is cleaning out the fridge. Joey walks from his room. He looks like he just woke up. JoeyWhat're you doing?
RossI...reorganized the fridge. See, uh, bottom shelf: meats and dairy. (There's nothing on the shelf.) Middle shelf: fruits and vegetables. (There's one lone tomato.) And top shelf: expired products. (The shelf is jammed packed.)
JoeyWhy are you doing this?
RossBecause I am bored... Out of my mind. I've already been to the bank, the post office, and the dry cleaners.
JoeyDude, you just described seven days worth of stuff. You gotta spread it out a little, you know? Haven't you ever been unemployed?
RossHey, I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical!
JoeyHey, don't get religious on me, ok. {There are more than 10,000 canonized Roman Catholic saints. [Wiki]} (Ross looks a little confused.) A guy in your position needs to be a little better at relaxing. You know. Why do you think we have the comfortable chairs? Huh? Look, come here... sit down. (Ross sits down.) Ready? Watch (Joey flips the foot rest up.) Ahh! And then (He reclines the chair fully.) Ohh, yeah! Huh?!
RossSo what, we just sit?
JoeyOhh, no, no. We're not gonna just sit. (Joey sits down and hits the speed dial button on the phone.) Watch. Shhh. (It begins to ring.)
Chandler(Answering the phone at work) Hello, Chandler Bing.
Joey(In a high-pitched female voice) Hello Mr. Bing... I love you.
Chandler(Angrily) Alright, whoever this is, stop calling me! (Ross and Joey laugh silently.) It's been six months! It's not funny!
Joey(high pitched female voice) I can see you Mr. Bing. You look sexy in your new suit.
ChandlerLeave me alone! For the love of God, leave me alone! (Joey hangs up.)
JoeyAnd that's Wednesday. (He reclines in his chair.) Ohh. Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are there. Phoebe walks in ringing a bell. PhoebeHey, you guys, guess what?
ChandlerThe British are coming? {Paul Revere was an American silversmith, early industrialist, and a patriot in the American Revolution... Revere was captured and questioned by the British soldiers at gunpoint... As the group drew closer to Lexington, the town bell began to clang rapidly, upon which one of the captives proclaimed to the British soldiers "The bell's a'ringing! The town's alarmed, and you're all dead men!" [Wiki]}
PhoebeOhh, you and your ways. (She shakes the bell at him and sits down.) Since it's Christmastime. I'm gonna be one of those people collecting donations.
AllOhh.
Phoebe(excitedly) Yeah, I already have my bell and later on I get my bucket.
ChandlerOhh.
PhoebeYeah, yeah, I'm gonna be out there spreading joy to the people. I mean, last year, I spread a little joy but not really enough. So, this year, I'm gonna do the whole city.
MonicaYou know, I knew a girl in high school who did that. She was very popular. {Chandler laughs.}
PhoebeThat's weird. You're starting to sound a lot like Chandler lately. {Indeed, usually he tells jokes.}
Chandler and Monica(simultaneously) That is so not true.
JoeySo Pheebs, where are you doing all your bell ringing?
PhoebeOhh, they gave me a great spot. Right by Macy's. Yeah, they hardly ever give such a good corner to a rookie, but I'm the only one who can sing "Merry Christmas", in 25 languages. (She smirks.) I lied.
RachelOh my god. Ok you guys, here's Danny. Watch. Just watch this. (He walks past the couch to the counter.) See?! Still pretending he's not interested. Ok, he's coming over. Just pretend like we don't know him. We've forgotten who he is.
DannyHey guys.
All minus RachelHey Danny.
RachelOh, Danny!
MonicaOh, God. (to Danny) Danny? You know Rachel? She's-she's nice. She's not bad to look at, right?
RachelThanks, Mon.
DannyWell, of course.
MonicaDo you wanna go out on a date with her?
RachelMonica?!
Danny(Looking at Monica) Ab-absolutely! Is Friday ok?
MonicaFriday is perfect, she can't wait.
Danny(To Monica) On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly, right? (To Rachel) See you Friday. (He walks out.)
Rachel(Somewhat angrily) Ok. What the hell was that? You know what? Don't answer me. (Giggling) I have a date with Danny.
Chandler(looking at his watch) All right, it's 4:30. I guess my lunch break is over. (gets up) (to Ross and Joey) What're you guys gonna do?
RossWell I guess if you're going back to work I'll probably just hang out. You know, make some calls.
ChandlerCool. (Ross and Joey secretly laugh.) Estelle's (Joey's Agent) Office, Joey is there. JoeyHow can I not get the part? The play was about a 29-year-old Italian actor from Queens.
EstelleWell, Telia Shire suddenly became available.
JoeyShe's a woman!
EstelleWhat can I say? She nailed it.
Joey(Very discouraged) Ok, is there anything else?
EstelleWell, you're just gonna say no again but... gay porn. In front of Macy's, Phoebe is collecting donations and ringing her bell. PhoebeHappy Holidays. Feliz Navidad. Allô!, and Merry Christmas. (A man put some change in her bucket.) Ohh thank you sir. Here's some joy. (She waves her hand up and down as if she is spreading joy.)
(Monica walks in from off screen.)
PhoebeHey!
MonicaCome to see how it's going.
PhoebeWell, it's going ok.
Monica(Taking out her wallet.) Well good, here, let me help you out.
PhoebeOh, thanks!
MonicaYeah!
PhoebeWow!
(Monica puts some change in Phoebe's bucket.)
PhoebeThat is a new suede jacket? It looks really expensive.
MonicaYeah. I... guess. (She puts more money in the bucket.)
PhoebeJust get your nails done?
MonicaYes Phoebe, but this is all I have. Ok? (She pours out the rest of her change purse into the bucket.)
PhoebeOk! Thanks! Happy Holidays, here's your joy. (She waves her arm and spreads her joy.)
MonicaThank you.
(A man walks up and puts a dollar bill in.)
PhoebeThank you! Happy Holidays.
(The man starts to take some change out.)
PhoebeWait, you can't take the money out.
The ManI'm making change. I need change for the bus.
PhoebeBut, can't you leave the dollar? This money is for the poor.
The ManI'm poor! I gotta take the bus!
PhoebeOk, Seasons Greetings and everything, but still...
The ManBite me, blondie! (The man storms off.)
PhoebeOh, I'm gonna give him something besides joy, just... (She scowls at him.) Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is telling Ross how he didn't get the part. JoeyThat part was perfect for me! I can't believe I didn't get it!
RossI'm sorry, man. Hey, you know what you should do? You should make something happen for yourself. You know, like-like write a play. Write a movie! Huh? I mean, what about those Good Will Hunting guys?
JoeyCome on Ross, be realistic, you know? If I did write something, yeah, what are the chances I could get those guys to star in it?
(Ross just stares at him until he figures it out.)
JoeyWait a second, I could star in it!
RossOr that.
JoeyI can't write! You know I mean I-I-I'm an actor. I could-I could act, like a writer. Here. (gets a notepad and pencil. He then pretends he is a writer who just got an idea and writes it down) But see? (shows Ross the notepad) Nada. I don't have the discipline that takes, you know? I can't do it.
RossI'll help you. Yeah, I'll make up a schedule and make sure you stick to it. And plus, it'll give me something to do.
JoeyReally? You'd-you'd do that for me?!
RossYeah!
JoeyThanks!
Ross(grabbing a notepad and sitting down) All right, we'll start off slow. The only thing you have to do tonight is come up with the name of your main character.
JoeyDone!
RossAnd it can't be Joey.
JoeyIt's not.
RossOr Joseph.
Joey(disappointed) Oh. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning. Monica enters from her room wearing nothing but a robe. MonicaHi, what's up?
RachelI just saw Danny getting on the subway with a girl and he had his arm around her.
MonicaOh, honey, I'm sorry.
RachelWell you should be, this is all your fault! You meddled in our relationship!
MonicaYou had no relationship!
RachelNo, but I was doing my thing and everything was going according to the plan!
MonicaOh, God, stop with the plan! All right, so what, so what if you saw him with a girl? Who cares?! That doesn't mean anything! Now look, you're gonna go out on a date with Danny and you're gonna be so charming he's gonna forget all about that stupid subway girl.
RachelShe was kinda stupid. You're right. All right, I'm just gonna go on the date. I'm just gonna go on the date. That is the new plan.
(Rachel goes into her room and closes the door. Which allows Monica to let Chandler out of her room.)
MonicaHurry!
(Chandler runs out the door and closes it behind him. After a short pause the door opens and Chandler comes rushing back through, grabs Monica, kisses her goodbye, and heads back out.) Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is trying to write his movie, Chandler is playing a game on the counter by trying to flip a ping-pong ball with a spoon into a nearby bowl. JoeyHey, how do you spell suspicious?
ChandlerWhy?
JoeyBecause I think this character is gonna be suspicious about stuff.
(Chandler makes it into the bowl.)
ChandlerYes! Chandler Bing, 7! Chandler Bing, 0.
JoeyYou're driving me crazy with that!
ChandlerOk, I'll stop.
JoeyNo, don't stop! Move the bowl further away! Ross could make that shot!
(Chandler slides the bowl to the far end of the counter. He tries again, but he hits the spoon to hard and the ball goes flying away.)
JoeyWell, you suck! But at least you suck at a man's game now.
ChandlerYou wanna play?
JoeyChandler, I can't be playing games, Ross is gonna be home soon. And I have to write five whole pages if I'm gonna stick to his schedule.
ChandlerWell, so uh, play for the next 30 minutes and then you can write until he gets home.
Joey(jumping up) All right! But uh, listen, what'd you say we uh crank it up a notch? {If you move up or down a notch, you move up or down to the next level.}
ChandlerI'm intrigued.
JoeyAll right, all we need is a little lighter fluid.
ChandlerOk, but be careful ok, because I wanna get our security deposit back.
JoeyYeah, I think we said goodbye to that when we invented hammer darts.
ChandlerDo you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?
JoeyUh yeah, right here. (He punches his fist through the wall next to the door.) In front of Macys, Phoebe is still ringing her bell. A guy puts some change into the bucket. PhoebeThank you, Happy Holiday.
(Another woman walks up and throws something into the bucket.)
PhoebeNo, that's trash. Young lady, no, you can't... (The lady ignores her and walks off.) Hey! Stop that young lady, she donated trash!
(Another guy walks by and throws his light cigarette butt in the bucket.)
PhoebeHey! (The bucket starts smoking.) The charity is on fire! Help! (Yet another guy walks by carrying a cup, which Phoebe grabs.) Oh good! Thank you, I need that. (She throws onto the smoldering fire. Suddenly the bucket erupts in flames.) Whoa! What is this?! (She sniffs the cup.) (To the guy.) It's nine o'clock in the morning! Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is reading what Joey wrote. RossAll right. (Reading.) A room. A man enters, he looks suspicious. (Stops reading a flips the page to find the next one is blank.) That's it? (Joey shrugs.) Joey, you're supposed to have five pages done by now! Including an exciting incident! (Flipping through the rest of the pad.) And what is, and what is all this?! (Reading.) The official rulebook of Fireball.
JoeyYeah, that's the uh, the game we were playing there.
Chandler(entering from his room carrying a fire extinguisher and wearing oven mitts) Oh yeah, it's great! See you take a tennis ball, a bowl, and lighter fluid - Op! Op! (He puts out a small fire which has re-ignited in his room.)
RossThis is helping your career?! Huh? I thought you wanted to be an actor, not the creator of crazy lawsuit game!
JoeyYou're right, you're right, I'll, get back to work.
Ross(To Chandler) And shame on you! You should know better, Joey needs to work. (To Joey) Now come on!
JoeyHey!
(He tries to fire a burnt tennis ball into the bowl Chandler is standing by, but Ross grabs the ball away from him.)
RossNo! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! You can have this back when the five pages are done! (After Joey walks past, Ross throws the ball down in pain.) Ahh! (Chandler shows him the burn spots on his oven mitts.) Outside Danny's apartment, Danny and Rachel are returning from their date. DannyI had a really nice time tonight.
RachelSo did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us out.
(He kisses her.)
DannyI'd love to ask you in, but uh, my sister's visiting and I think she's asleep on the couch.
RachelYour sister? Your sister's asleep on the couch? (Danny nods "Yes.") Ohhh! I saw her with you on the subway and now she's asleep on the couch!
Danny's Sister(opening the door) Oh, I thought I heard you.
DannyOh hey, great, you're up. Rachel, this is my sister Krista. Krista, this is Rachel.
RachelHi!
KristaNice to meet you. I wish you'd told me we were having company, I'd fix myself up!
DannyLike it would help.
KristaYou are so bad! (Hits him softly.)
DannyYou are! (Hits her back.)
KristaYou are! (Hits him softly.)
DannyYou are! (Hits her back.)
KristaYou are! (Hits him softly.)
DannyYou are! (Hits her back.)
KristaYou are! (Hits him harder this time.)
DannyYou are so dead! I'm gonna get you.
(He starts chasing her around Rachel a couple of times before she runs into the living room and he tackles her on the couch where he starts tickling her.)
Rachel(not sure what to do) Uh, it was very nice to meet you. (They continue to ignore her.) Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is complaining to Ross and Monica about the bucket. PhoebeNobody! Nobody respects the bucket! You wouldn't believe what people put in here! Look! (Hands it to Monica.) Ok, does this look like a garbage can to you?
MonicaNo.
PhoebeDoes it look like an ashtray?
MonicaNo.
PhoebeDoes it look like a urinal?
MonicaEww! (Throws the bucket down.)
RossSo Pheebs, you're gonna go back out there or what?
PhoebeWell, yeah! But I'm not gonna take anymore crap. Ok? No more Mrs. Nice Bucket!
MonicaYeah, good for you. You know you're tough, you lived on the street.
PhoebeYeah, I'm gonna go back to being Street Phoebe. Yeah! Oh but, you know what? I can't go totally back because Street Phoebe really wouldn't be friends with you guys. Sorry. (Leaves.)
Rachel(entering from her room) Hey!
MonicaHey!
RachelHey, umm, can I ask you guys something?
Monica and RossSure.
RachelUh, I don't have any brothers so I don't know, but uh, did you guys wrestle?
RossOh-oh, yeah.
MonicaAll the time. In fact, I was undefeated.
RossUh, you weighed 200 pounds.
MonicaStill, I was quick as a cat.
RachelWell, I met Danny's sister yesterday, and uh that was actually the girl on the subway.
MonicaOh, you're kidding.
RachelAnd yeah, they were very you know...wrestley. But, I guess that's normal?
Monica(laughing with Ross) We don't, we don't wrestle now.
RossYeah, not since I got too strong for you.
MonicaToo strong for me?
RossYeah.
MonicaYou wanna go right now? 'Cause I'll take you right now, buddy! You wanna go?
RossOh, fine.
MonicaReady? (They grab a hold of each other's necks.) Wrestle! (They start wrestling.)
RachelOk, you know what uh, actually, that's great. That helps a lot. Thanks. (She leaves them to wrestle.) Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is cleaning the foosball table, Joey is working on his script. Chandler(entering from his bedroom) Guys, come on! Let's go! The puck drops in 20 minutes! Come on, Joe!
RossJoey's not going.
Joey(To Chandler) I didn't finish my five pages.
ChandlerWell, why can't you finish them tomorrow?
RossBecause tomorrow he's redoing yesterday's pages.
JoeyYesterday's pages did not reflect my best work.
Chandler(To Ross) Why don't you cut him a little slack? Ok? Maybe if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get some more done.
RossI think he's been relaxing enough, thanks to you and Fireball.
JoeyDude, you think Fireball's relaxing, you obviously 've never played.
ChandlerThe only reason you're doing this to Joey is because you're bored. Ok, it's not his fault that you're unemployed.
RossI am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical!
JoeyLook, look, guys, don't fight.
RossAnd the reason I'm doing this, is because I, am Joey's friend. And if you were a good friend, you'd be doing the same thing.
ChandlerOh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk?
RossIf it does, then you're an amazing friend of mine.
JoeyHey-hey guys, hey! How about we settle this over a friendly game of Fireball? Huh? I'll go unhook the smoke detectors!
RossHow about we settle this right now! (He rips up the tickets.) There! Now, no one's going to the game. Ha-ha-ha!
ChandlerI paid for those tickets!
RossNo you didn't. You said you would, but you never did!
ChandlerOh yeah! (Makes an unintelligible taunting sound.) Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are listening to a story being told by Danny and his sister. Danny...so, we finally get to the top of the mountain and airhead here (His sister) forgets the camera!
JoeyOh, you know that same thing happened to me one time.
ChandlerWhen did that happen to you?!
JoeyDon't you remember when we were jogging in the park, we saw that really pretty bird and I wanted to take a picture, but, I didn't have my camera!
ChandlerOk. First of all, chasing the Churro guy isn't jogging.
KristaOh, this is so good (A piece of cake.) you've got to try it. (She takes some on her finger and feeds it to Danny. Then takes a little more and does it again. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang stares on in shock. Then she pick up a part of it and some filling falls into his lap.)
DannyOh, damn! I got it on my pants.
KristaHere, I'll get it. (She grabs a napkin and tries to wipe it up. The thing that gets the rest of the gang going is that she's wipping awfully close to his crotch. In fact, she is wipping his crotch. Chandler's about to come out of his chair.)
KristaWe'd better take these off upstairs or that stain's gonna set.
DannyYep. (To Rachel) I wanted wear these on our date tonight.
RachelOh, great!
ChandlerOk, bye! (To the gang.) Oh my God!
MonicaThat was unbelievable!
RachelOk, see? I told you!
JoeyYeah, wow, sorry Rach.
ChandlerI don't believe they're brother and sister.
JoeyThey're brother and sister?!
ChandlerSo I guess you're gonna have to cancel your date huh?
MonicaAnd call their mother. In front of Macy's, Phoebe has adorned her bucket with numerous signs. Like "We are not a urinal!" and "I have no Macy's info." And other stuff like that. She also has a scowl on her face as she is ringing her bell. A little old lady walks up to make a donation but Phoebe stops her. PhoebeOh whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait a minute, open your hand, let me take a look. (The lady opens up her hand.) Quarter. Dime. Lint? Not interested in that. (She throws the lint away.) What's this? Canadian coin? Get outta here! (The lady walks away.)
(Another man walks up with a drink in his hand, Phoebe stops him too.)
PhoebeWhoa! No drinks near the bucket! Set it down over there and then you can make a contribution! (The guy starts to walk away with a hurt look on his face.) And you can leave the hurt bunny look over there too! (Her boss and a co-worker walk up.) Hi Bob! (The same old lady from before walks by.) (To the old lady.) I thought I told you to get outta here!
BobUh, Phoebe we've been getting complaints and uh, we're gonna move you to a less high-profile spot.
PhoebeWhat?!
BobUmm, Ginger's gonna take over this corner.
PhoebeThat chick can't handle my corner.
BobLook, either you leave, or we remove you.
PhoebeFine. (She hands her bell to Ginger and starts to take down her signs.) (The same old lady walks by again.) All right, I'll give you one pointer. Look out for that bitch. (The old lady) Danny's apartment, there's a knock on the door and he answers it. DannyOh, hey Rach! I thought we said seven?
RachelYeah uh, you know what uh, let's skip it.
DannyWhat?! Why?!
RachelUmm, look, you-you and your sister seem to have umm, a very special bond, and...
DannyOh great! That special bond again! Why do women have such a problem with the fact that I'm close with my sister?
RachelWell, ok, look. I don't- listen, I don't know what's going on here but let's...
DannyDo-do you, do you have brothers?
RachelNo, I 've two sisters. But one of them has a very masculine energy.
DannyAre you close with them?
RachelNo, no, they're not very nice people.
DannyOk, listen, I really like you. Ok? I think this could go somewhere. So what if I'm close to my family, you're gonna let that stand in the way of us?
RachelWell, uh, I don't know. See when-when you put it that way you know it does sort of...
Krista(calling from the bathroom) Danny! Hurry up! The bath is getting cold!
Danny(seeing Rachel's shocked look) What?
RachelYeah, ok, I'll see you later. (Gets up and runs from the apartment.) Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is there as Chandler enters. ChandlerOh hey! There's some kids playing in the street, you wanna go down there, give them a project, ruin their day?
RossHey, if they have a ball maybe you can stick razor blades in it and teach them a new game, Gonna Need Stitches Ball.
Joey(entering) Hey, guys! I was at the library all morning and I already finished my five pages for today!
RossHay!
ChandlerGreat! Now, we can go to the Rangers game! (Pause) Last night!
JoeyNo dude, Ross tore up the tickets!
RossI guess when you don't have so many distractions, it's easier for you to focus. Huh?
ChandlerYeah or also when you don't have somebody breathing down your neck ALL THE LIVELONG DAY!
JoeyYeah, well, that's fine, but the important thing is that I finished it. And uh, I think it's really good, but you know it'd really help me is if I could hear it. So, would you guys read it for me?
ChandlerYeah all right. (Takes a copy.)
RossAll right. (Takes another copy.)
JoeyOk. (Reading.) "It's a typical New York City apartment. Two guys are hanging out." Ross (Points to him.)
(Ross and Chandler start to read Joey's script aloud.)
RossHey man.
ChandlerWhat is up?
RossAbout yesterday, I was really wrong. I am sorry.
ChandlerNo, it was me. I'm sorry. I overreacted.
RossMaybe it was both of us, but we had our best friend's interest... (Pauses and looks at Joey.) But we had our best friend's interest at heart.
ChandlerCould I be more sorry. (Looks at Joey.)
RossI don't know, I am one sorry polentologist. (Stops reading.) All right Joey, we-we get it. (To Chandler) I'm sorry.
Chandler(To Ross) I'm sorry too.
JoeyOh no! No-no, keep reading! The good part's coming up. Keep going.
Ross(reading from the script.) I am sorry, Chandler.
ChandlerI am sorry, Ross.
JoeyA handsome man enters. (Playing the part of the handsome man.) Hey! How's it going guys? I don't know what you two were talking about, but I would just like to say thanks to both of you. You, (Ross) you wouldn't let me give up on myself, and you (Chandler), well you co-created Fireball. The end.
ChandlerThis took you all day?!
JoeyNo, no, this only took five minutes. I spent the rest of the day coming up with new, Ultimate Fireball. (Takes out a bowling ball and a propane torch.) Ha-ha! Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are about to read another one of Joey's efforts. Joey(Reading the scene set up.) Ok, it's a typical New York City apartment. Two girls are just hanging out. Go.
(Monica and Rachel begin to read from the script.)
MonicaHi, how are you doing Kelly?
RachelI'm doing just fine! God, Tiffany, you smell so great!
MonicaIt's my new perfume. Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it?
(They both start to read ahead.)
RachelOh, you know Joey, you are sick!
MonicaThis is disgusting!
(They both throw the scripts in his face.)
RachelI'm not reading this!
JoeyWhat?! Wait-wait-wait! The handsome man was about to enter!

Written By Shana Goldberg-Meehan; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with Help From Aaron Miller; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp