Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are hosting a New Year's party. So the place is crowded and in a shameless promotion for NBC - they're watching Jay Leno's coverage of New Year's from Time Square. Jay Leno(On TV to Dick Clark) Is there any entertainment there? What are people doing?
JoeyAll right! Here we go! 1999! The year of Joey!
Chandler(deadpan, standing next to Monica) We're very happy for you.
JoeyWhat's the matter?!
ChandlerWe wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to, so, you know...
JoeyAll right, I'll take care of it.
MonicaOh no, wait! Joey! It's 36 seconds till midnight. What're you gonna do?
JoeyWill you just trust me?
(They try to stop him, not sure of what he's planning. He ignores them and goes to talk to Ross.)
Ross(hopping) 33! 32! 31!
JoeyRoss! Ross! Ross, listen! Who are you kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe?
JoeyWell you gotta kiss someone, you can't kiss your sister.
RossWell who's gonna kiss my sister.
RossAwww, man! Really?
JoeyDude-dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?
RossIt's a good point.
RossUh well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.
JoeyOk, great!
RossAll right.
JoeyPheebs! Pheebs! Listen, Ross wants to kiss you at midnight!
PhoebeIt's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask?
JoeyRach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight.
RossWell, everyone's gotta kiss someone. You can't kiss Ross, you got the history.
JoeySo? Who would you rather have kiss you, me or Chandler?
RachelOh, good point.
All(watching the ball drop) 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
(And with that everyone starts playing tonsil hockey. Chandler with Monica, Ross with Phoebe, and Joey with Rachel.)
Chandler(To Monica) Happy New Year!
MonicaHappy New Year.
Ross(To Phoebe) Happy New Year, Pheebs!
PhoebeYou too!
Rachel(To Joey) Happy New Year, Joey!
JoeySo did that do anything for ya?
(Rachel slowly walks away.) Monica and Rachel's, after the party. Everyone has left, except for the gang. RossYou know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb, and say no divorces in '99!
RachelBut your divorce isn't even final yet.
RossJust the one divorce in '99! You know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy.
ChandlerDo you want us to leave the room, or?
RossEveryday I am gonna do one thing I haven't done before. That, my friends, is my New Year's resolution.
PhoebeOoh! That's a good one! Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.
ChandlerThat's a good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is to find a planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.
PhoebeMaybe your resolution should be not to make fun of your friends, especially the ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane.
MonicaShe has a better chance of sprouting wings and flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us.
RossIn fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks that you can't go the whole year without making fun of us. Eh, you know what, better yet? A week.
ChandlerI'll take that bet my friend. And you know what, paying me the 50 bucks can be the (does the quote-marks thing) "new thing you do that day!" (Ross looks at him and gestures for him to give him money.) And it starts right now!
JoeyAll right, my New Year's resolution, is to learn how to play guitar.
PhoebeReally?! How come?
JoeyWell, you know those special skills I have listed on my résumé? I would love it if one of those was true.
PhoebeDo you want me to teach you? I'm a great teacher.
JoeyUh really? Who-who have you taught?
PhoebeWell, I taught me and I loved me.
JoeyYeah that'd be great! Yeah, thanks Pheebs!
MonicaMy resolution is to be less obsessed with being neat and clean.
RachelReally? Hmm. (grabs some crackers and crumbles them into little pieces and drops them on the floor.)
(Rachel, proud of herself that she freaked out Monica, finishes dusting the crumbs off of her hands)
Monica(calming down) Or something else.
RachelOp, look! Claire forgot her glasses! And she's gonna really be needing these to keep an eye on that boyfriend, who, from what I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about.
MonicaHey Rach, maybe your resolution should be to umm, gossip less.
RachelWh- I don't gossip!
(They all laugh.)
RachelWell, maybe sometimes I find out things or I hear something and I pass that information on, you know, kind of like a public service. It doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you call Ted Kopel a gossip?
MonicaWell if Ted Kopel talked about his coworkers botched boob jobs, yeah I would.
RachelWh-wh? They were like this! (She puts her hands over her breasts and indicates that the coworkers boob job resulted in one pointing up and one pointing down with her hands by pointing up with one hand and down with the other.) All right. Ok. Fine, fine. My new year's resolution will be not to gossip! It's easy.
MonicaOh easy, you have never kept a resolution.
Rachel(a little shocked) Yes I have!
Monica(Laughs) Ok, let's see how you did last year...(starts walking quickly towards Rachel's room)
Rachel(Starts to quickly chase after Monica) No-no. Not my diary. No-you cannot read my diary. (Unfortunately for Rachel, Monica has successfully gotten Rachel's diary from her room.)
Monica(reading Rachel's diary) Dear Diary, I am so excited. My resolution is to write in you every day. I'll see you tomorrow. (Fans the pages of Rachel's diary) Nothing!
(Rachel quickly grabs back her diary and closes it)
RachelYou know... not a lot happened last year. (sits down) All right-all right I'll prove to you that I can keep it this time. No more gossiping!
PhoebeI hate gossip. In junior high this girl said a lot of mean stuff about me and I set her bike on fire.
MonicaOh, what did she say about you?
PhoebeShe said I was crazy. Well I guess she got hers huh. (does a little evil laugh) Central Perk, Ross is talking to a beautiful woman as Chandler and Joey enter. WomanI'll see you tomorrow.
RossOk! (She leaves.) (To Chandler and Joey.) Hey!
Chandler and JoeyHey!
RossI just asked that girl out.
JoeyNice! Yeah! Is that part of your resolution, your new thing for today?
RossYes it is. See. (Shows them the piece of paper she gave him with her name and phone number on it.)
Chandler(reading it) Elizabeth Hornswoggle?
RossThat's right, uh, Elizabeth Hornswoggle.
JoeyYou ok Chandler? Is there something, something funny about that name?
ChandlerNo. No, I just think that maybe I've-I've heard it somewhere before. (Sits down rubbing his temple.)
JoeyOh really? Where? Somewhere funny I'll bet! (Chandler is straining to keep quiet as Phoebe enters.)
RossHi, Pheebs!
RossOh-oh, guess what? I-I have a date with Elizabeth (Talking into Chandler's ear.) Hornswoggle.
PhoebeHornswoggle? (To Chandler) Ooh, this must be killing you.
ChandlerNot really.
RossI haven't told you her middle name yet.
ChandlerWell, don't, just don't.
RossAll right, see you later.
JoeySee ya! All right Pheebs, I am ready for my first lesson.
PhoebeOk. (Joey tries to take the guitar.) Oh no-no-no, you don't touch the guitar! No-no, first you learn here, (Points to her hand.) then you learn here. (Points to the guitar.)
JoeyUmm, ok.
PhoebeOk, lesson one: chords. Now, um, I don't know the actual names of the chords, umm, but, I-I-I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. (She starts to show Joey the chords. Holding up her hand and then reconfiguring her hand with each name.) So then, this is Bear Claw. Ok, umm, Turkey Leg, and Old Lady. (Joey tries to imitate them.)
ChandlerWhat an interesting approach to guitar instruction. You know some might find it amusing, I myself find it regular. Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with Rachel. PhoebeHey everybody, Rachel was so good today. She didn't gossip at all.
RachelI didn't! Even when I found out... umm, all right, well let's just say I found something out about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it. (Goes into her room.)
JoeyHey, Pheebs! Check-check this out. (Holds up his hand in one of Phoebe's chords.)
PhoebeOoh, you-you nailed the Old Lady! (They both laugh at what she said.)
JoeyYeah. Yeah listen so, I thought I was getting better, so on my way home today I stopped by this guitar store and...
PhoebeDid you, did you, touch any of the guitars while you were there? Did you?!
PhoebeGive me your hands. (He does and she smells his left hand.) Strings. Gimme it! (He gives her his right hand and she smells it as well.) Pick. Do you want to learn to play guitar?
PhoebeThen don't touch one!
Ross(entering, with Ben) Hi!
MonicaHi, Ben!
BenAuntie Monica! (He runs to hug her.)
Chandler(notices something) Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? (Pause, no one speaks.) Someone comment on the pants!
RachelI think they're very nice.
MonicaI really like them a lot.
JoeyYeah! (Chandler bangs the table in frustration.)
MonicaI like them a lot.
ChandlerNot, what I had in mind! See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. (Motions to Ross's buttock.) Maybe there's something in that area.
(They all speak at once in general approval of his pants selection; Joey asks where he got them. I can't pick out the rest of it.)
RossOh see, I-I needed a new thing for today and there's this leather store I go by that always smells so good and I thought to myself, "Wow, (To Chandler) you know, I never owned a really good smelling pair of pants before."
(No one says anything.)
ChandlerOh come on! (Storms out.)
Ross(after he's left) Ok, seriously, what do you think?
JoeyYou look like a freak. Yeah.
RachelAwful, absolutely awful. (Plus other negative comments from Phoebe and Monica.)
(Monica starts taking pictures of Ross and Ben, with the flash.)
RossWhat- Hey- What're you doing, what're you doing?
MonicaIt's my New Year's resolution!
RossTto blind my child?
MonicaNo! To take more pictures of all of us together. I mean I really think it's the best resolution because everyone can enjoy the pictures.
JoeyWell, everyone will enjoy my music as well. (Does a chord and Monica starts taking pictures of him and Phoebe. They both start to strike a pose with the excessive amount of pictures that Monica takes.) Elizabeth Hornswoggle's apartment; Ross is there on his date with her. They are sitting on the couch watching a movie. Ross is obviously hot. Ross(talking to himself) My God! These pants are burning up! (He's still wearing the leather pants.) (She snuggles closer.) Oh come on, she wants to snuggle now! What is she trying to kill me? It's like a volcano in here! (Out loud.) Are you hot?
Elizabeth HornswoggleNo.
RossOk, it must just be me then.
(He shifts on the couch and a ripping sound emanates from his lower regions, the sound reminds one of a brief explosion of gas. In other words, it sounds like he farted. She has a look of horrific wonderment, wondering "Did he just fart?")
RossThat was just the pants on the couch. Umm, hey, do you, do you mind if I use your bathroom?
ElizabethOh, go ahead.
RossThanks. (Gets up and as he does so, the sound returns. Without another word he heads into her bathroom.)
[Cut to Elizabeth Hornswoggle's bathroom, Ross frantically pulls his shirt out and drops his pants. He exhales in sheer ecstasy as the coolness of the bathroom envelops his legs. He sits on the cast iron bathtub, again gasping in pleasure. He next grabs a magazine and starts to blow air on his exposed legs, but that doesn't work the way he wants it to. So he throws the magazine down, looks around for another idea, and finds one. He jumps up and hops to the sink. He turns on the water and starts to splash some on his legs, cooling them further.]
Ross(in ecstasy) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh........
Elizabeth(yelling from outside) Hey, my favorite part is coming up!
(He goes to pull up his pants, but can't seem to get them past his knees. He frantically tries to pull them up to no avail. Panic sets in.)
RossOh my God! Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is drilling Joey on the chords as Monica looks on. PhoebeTiger! (Joey moves his hand in an attempt to do the chord, in fact he does it with each name.) Dragon! Iceberg! (He fails.) Joseph, did you even study at all last night?
JoeyYes! Yes, I did.
PhoebeThen do Iceberg!
Joey(thinks) (quietly) G-sharp.
PhoebeG-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? (Joey doesn't answer.) Have you? (He looks away in shame.) Oh my God!
JoeyWhat?! I-I didn't touch a guitar!
PhoebeNo, but you're questioning my method!
JoeyNo, I'm not questioning it Phoebe, I'm saying it's stupid! (Notices Monica standing between them and smiling.) What?! (The camera clicks, taking another picture.)
MonicaThank you. (Leaves.)
PhoebeYou know, none of my other student, thought I was stupid.
JoeyYour other student, was you!
PhoebeYeah, well, you know maybe you just need to try a little harder!
Joey(looking in the Yellow Pages) Maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR! (Storms out.)
PhoebeFine! You go learn from your qualified instructor! But don't come crying to me when everyone's sick and tired of hearing you play Bad, Bad Leroy Brown!
Rachel(entering, singing) "Baddest man in the whole damn town."
PhoebeOh, fine! Take his side! (Storms out.)
(Rachel looks shocked, gets over it, notices she's alone, and picks up the phone. The last part of which is something she shouldn't have done, because the phone is already in use. By Monica, and now Rachel can hear every word.)
Monica(on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.
Chandler(on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)
Monica(on phone) Awww, you know what your nickname is, Mr. Big...
RachelArghh! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace
around wondering what to do.) Chandler, Joey, and Ross's. Joey is sitting in his Barcalounger talking to the chick and the duck. JoeyWould you stop looking at me like that? Phoebe was a terrible teacher. I wasn't learning anything from her. (the duck quacks) Look, I feel bad...ah forget it. We're going around in circles.
(The phone rings and Joey gets up to answer it)
Joey(shoos the the chick and the duck away ). Go on, go on (the phone rings one last time). (answering phone) Hello?
Ross(calling from Elizabeth's bathroom) Joey, it's Ross! I need some help!
JoeyUhh, Chandler's not here.
RossWell, you can help me!
RossListen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom...
RossNo, I-I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off but they must have shrunk from the-the sweat or something or-or-or my legs expanded from the heat. Look, I-I can't get them back on. Joey, I can't!
JoeyOh. That is quite a situation. Uh, do you see any like, powder?
RossPowder! Yeah! Yeah, I have powder! (Grabs some of her shelf.)
JoeyGood-good, ok, sprinkle some of that on your legs, it'll absorb some of the moisture and then you can get your pants back on.
RossYeah, hold-ok, hold on! (He puts the phone down and proceeds to spread a large amount of powder on his legs and makes another attempt at pulling up his pants. It doesn't work, and without picking up the phone he leans down to it.) (Almost in tears.) They're not coming on man.
JoeyUh...oh, oh, ok cut slits in the pants right? Then put them back on, go out there and tell her you're the incredible Hulk!
RossChandler's not there...huh?
JoeyWell that would've worked but all right, fine. Umm, you see any- uh- oh! Vaseline?
RossOhh, I-I see lotion, I have lotion! Will that work?
JoeyYeah, sure, throw some of that on there.
RossHold on.
(Ross proceeds to apply copious amounts of the lotion on his legs. He literally starts spraying the back of his legs with the lotion, and as he applies some to his butt he makes a happy face like he enjoyed that sensation. After using about half the bottle he again tries to pull up his pants, but at the first sign of resistance, his hand slips off of the pants and hits him in the forehead.)
JoeySounds like it's working.
(Ross goes back to his cell phone.)
RossThey're still, they're still not coming on man and the lotion and the powder have made a paste!
JoeyReally?! Uhh, what color is it?
RossWhat difference does that make?!
JoeyWell, I'm just - if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference!
Rachel(entering) Joey, do you have a minute?
RossDude, what am I gonna...
Joey(To Ross) Uh, Rachel's here, so good luck man, let me know how it works out. (He hangs up the phone and strands Ross in the bathroom.)
RachelOh, Joey, I have such a problem!
JoeyOh well, your timing couldn't be better. I am putting out fires all over the place right.
RachelOk. Ok. Ok. Joey, I have got to tell you something!
JoeyWhat-what is it, what is it?
RachelOh my God, it's so huge, but you just have to promise me you cannot tell anyone.
JoeyOh no, no-no-no-no! I don't wanna know!
RachelYes! Yes! Yes, you do wanna know! This is unbelievable!
JoeyI don't care, Rach! Look, I am tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets and can't tell anyone!
RachelWhat? What secrets? You know secrets? What are they?
JoeyAnd you're not supposed to be gossiping!
RachelI know, I know! I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the phone... (Joey in a childish attempt to not hear what Rachel is about to say, puts his fingers in his ears and starts to scream loudly. Rachel turns and walks out upon seeing that Joey's not gonna listen, and as she exits Chandler walks in and sees Joey in his current state.)
JoeyI'm not listening to you!
(Chandler seeing that Joey has his eyes closed sneaks over and picks up the chicken. The chicken starts flapping it's wings in protest as Chandler holds the chicken inches from Joey's face. Joey stops yelling and upon opening his eyes sees the chicken, screams, and falls to the ground in horror.) Elizabeth's apartment; Elizabeth is inquiring as to the delay in Ross's exit from her bathroom. ElizabethRoss, umm, you've been in there for a long time. I'm starting to get kind of freaked out.
RossAll right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you turn the lights off?
ElizabethNo, let's just leave the lights on.
(Ross opens the door and steps into the living room. He has fully removed his pants and holds them wrapped into a ball in front of his crotch. His legs are covered in the powder and lotion paste. He looks terrible.)
ElizabethOh my God!
RossI had a problem. Central Perk, Joey is there to apologize to Phoebe. JoeyHey, Pheebs?
PhoebeOh, I can't talk to you! I don't have a fancy ad in the Yellow Pages!
JoeyLook, um, Pheebs, I just, I wanna apologize for, for saying your method was stupid and-and maybe ask you to be my teacher again? And-and I promise, I won't touch a guitar until you say I'm ready. (After a short pause she hands him her guitar.) You really think I'm ready?
JoeyWow! Cool! (He takes the guitar, stands up, and goes to play a note. However, while strumming it, he knocks it out of his hands and it bounces off the table and lands on the floor. Phoebe just stares at the guitar.)
Joey(sitting back down) Was the chord at least right before it went down...
PhoebeNo! Monica and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his horrible trek back home without pants on. The whole gang is there. ChandlerOh my God!
MonicaWe heard about your pants, I'm so sorry.
RossThis year was supposed to be great! Oh it's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit!
AllNo, you're not a loser.
RossLook at me! (Chandler squeaks in an attempt not to make fun of him.)
MonicaHey, hey, look. Look Ross, Ben drew a picture of you! (Shows him Ben's picture.) Huh? You're-you're a cowboy!
RossOh, be-because of the leather pants?
MonicaSee? Ben doesn't think you're a loser, he thinks you're a cowboy! I mean that's something.
(All at once.)
RachelIt really is something; that's a very cool thing.
JoeyHowdy partner! Hey-hey!
RossMaybe I should get another pair! Ooh, you know, they-they had some with the, with-with fringe all down the sides.
(Chandler starts rubbing his temple again.)
ChandlerPheebs, you may know this, you know strange things- what is the boiling point of brain?
PhoebeI used to know this.
RossI'm gonna go kiss Ben goodnight. (He starts to head for Monica's bedroom.) I can't believe he thinks I'm a cowboy. (Pause.) I would make a good cowboy. (He struts into Monica's room.)
MonicaOk, now that everything's wrapped up here, I think I'm, I'm gonna go do my laundry.
ChandlerOh yeah, me too. You know if the shirt is dirty. (Smells it.) Yep.
(They both exit.)
PhoebeOk, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna go to the airport. I figure if I hang around there long enough, someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended.
RachelGood luck, honey!
PhoebeBye! (She exits, leaving Rachel and Joey alone.)
RachelHey, uh, Joey?
RachelRemember that big thing I was gonna tell you about?
JoeyOh, no! (Starts that screaming thing again. Rachel stops him by pulling his fingers out of his ears.)
RachelI'm not gonna tell you, but if you found out on your own, that would be ok and then we could talk about it. Right?
JoeyWell, then it wouldn't be a secret. So yeah, that would be ok. Yeah. Yeah!
Rachel(quietly) Yeah. Well. (Pause.) Hey uh Joe, would you mind going over to Chandler's bedroom and get that book back that he uh borrowed from me?
JoeyNow? You-you want me to go over there now? I don't-
JoeyDo you know something?
RachelDo you know something?
JoeyI might know something.
RachelI might know something too.
JoeyWhat's the thing you know?
RachelOh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.
JoeyI can't tell you what I know.
RachelWell then I can't tell you what I know.
JoeyOk, fine.
(Silence ensues.)
JoeyYou don't know!
RachelAll right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know! (Kudos to Ms. Aniston on the delivery of that line. She said it very quickly and didn't screw up a word. Try it yourself, it ain't that easy.)
Joey(gasps) YOU KNOW!!
JoeyYeah, I know!!
RachelChandler and Monica?! Oh, this is unbelievable! How long have you known?
JoeyToo long! Oh, my God, Rach, I've been dying to talk to someone about this for so long! Oh listen, listen, we can't say anything to anybody, they're so weird about that! Listen... (Phoebe returns and interrupts them.)
Joey and RachelYeah... Hey... Phoebe!
PhoebeHey! It's raining. I don't like to fly in the rain. So...
JoeyOh, I am gonna go for a walk in the rain. Ha ha.
RachelOhhh, yeah, me too.
(They both exit.)
PhoebeIt's weird. (Pause.) I bet they're doing it. Central Perk. Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there. Chandler(entering) Oh good, ok, look, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win, ok? Here! (Hands Ross the 50 bucks he's about to owe him.) Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock?! (He sits down and sighs in relief.) (Monica takes a picture of Chandler with her camera)

Teleplay by Suzie Villandry; Story by Brian Boyle; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp