Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to pry more information about Chandler and Monica from Joey who's sitting on the couch and busy downing a pizza.
RachelOh come on Joey!
JoeyRach, I told you everything I knew last night! Look, it's not that big a deal, so Monica and Chandler are doing it.
RachelAw! I can't believe you would say that!
JoeyOh. Sorry. Monica and Chandler are making love. (does the quote-marks thing)
RachelNo! I mean come on! This is a huge deal! (She sits next to him on the couch.) Come on I want- I need more details, who-who initiated the first kiss?
Joey(thinks) I don't know.
RachelGod, I just can not imagine Chandler being romantic.
RachelIs he romantic with her?
JoeyI don't know.
RachelAre they in love?
Joey(thinks) I don't know.
RachelOh, you don't know anything.
JoeyOhh, I know one thing!
JoeyThey did it right there on the couch yesterday.
(He points to where she's sitting and she jumps up quickly.)
Central Perk, everyone is there as Ross enters.
Ross(disinterested) Yeah. (He hurries up to the counter.) Hey Gunther, could I have a scone please? (To the gang.) Wanna hear some good news?
ChandlerIs somebody else gonna give it to us? Because you certainly don't seem like you have any.
RossNo-no-no-no, I do. Someone I know is getting married! Yeah! And weddings are happy occasions! Oh, by the by it's my ex-wife Emily!
AllOh. What? Oh!
GuntherHere's your scone.
RossOh, thanks Gunther. Thanks. (He takes it, hands the plate it's on to Rachel, sets it down on the table, and proceeds to pound it into oblivion while saying.) STUPID BRITISH SNACK FOOD!
ChandlerDid they teach you that in your anger management class?
PhoebeHey, you know what might help you deal with it? Think of it this way, you and Emily are in the past and you can't be mad about the past. So are you still mad about The Louisiana Purchase?
RachelPheebs, I don't think anybody's mad about that.
PhoebeExactly! Because it's in the past!
Joey(eyeing the flattened scone) Anybody gonna eat that?
Chandler's office, Monica and him are at a party his office is throwing.
MonicaLook at us all dressed up for the big office party! Hey, by the way, what are we celebrating?
ChandlerOh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party.
MonicaI think this is so cool, I mean none of our friends are here so we can, you know, could be a real couple. We don't have to hide.
ChandlerI know, I can do this. (He takes her hand.)
MonicaOoh, and I can do this. (She kisses him on the cheek.)
(They both stand real close together.)
BothWe can't do that. No. (They separate.)
(Chandler's boss (Doug) walks up.)
DougHey Bing! (Slaps him on his ass.) (Sees Monica) Wo-ho-ho, who's the pretty lady and what the hell is she doing with you?
ChandlerI asked myself that very question, sir. Uh, (Points to Monica) this is Monica. (Points to his boss.) This is my boss, Doug. Doug, this is Monica.
MonicaHi, nice to meet you!
DougHi! And this is my wife Kara.
KaraNice to meet you Monica. Bing! (Slaps Chandler on his butt.)
DougSay Bing, did you hear we got a new law firm working for us?
DoughYeah, uh, Dickem, Stickem and Run.
(Chandler does a fake laugh.)
DougCome on honey, let's go drink our body weight huh? (They walk off leaving Chandler and Monica alone.)
MonicaWhat was that?
MonicaThe noise you just made.
ChandlerOh, that was my work laugh.
MonicaReally? Your work laugh?
ChandlerOh, yeah, believe me, if you're gonna survive this party, you're gonna have to come up with one too.
MonicaAll right, check me out.
(She walks up to where Doug is finishing another joke to another group.)
Doug...says $30 Father; same as in town.
(Monica does a fake laugh. For the laughs, you'll have to see the episode. I can't describe them.)
Central Perk, Monica is buying a muffin as Chandler runs in.
ChandlerHi! Everybody at work loved you last night!
ChandlerAnd! They like me more just because I was with you! I think you repaired a lot of the damage when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis with them. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club. (She glares at him.) Strip, church. Anyway, I'm gonna go try and find a racquet.
MonicaHey, I thought you already had one.
ChandlerOh I used to, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at... bigger rocks. (He starts to leave and stops an entering Rachel.) Hey, Rach, do you have, a tennis racquet?
RachelOh umm, you know I lent it to Joey and I never actually got it back.
ChandlerOk, good luck with that. (Exits.)
Rachel(To Monica) Hey!
MonicaWhat're you doing here? I thought you had to do inventory all day.
RachelWell yeah, I do, but you know, I decided I would take a long lunch and spend some time with my friend Monica. You know, I-I feel like that we don't talk anymore. How are you? What is new with you? (Pats her on the lap enunciating each word)
MonicaUhh, not much. Uh, work's good.
RachelOh you know what, we don't have to talk about work. We can talk about anything!
RachelHey! You know what? Let's talk about relationships!
MonicaOk, what's going on with you?
RachelNothing! You go!
MonicaWell, I-I- there was this guy at the bank that I thought was cute, umm, but I don't anymore.
RachelWow that's uh, juicy. Umm, (checks watch) you know what though Mon, I actually do have a lot of work to do so if-if- you sure there's just not anything, else?
MonicaYes, I'm sure! Rachel, is there something that you wanna talk me about?
RachelNo! (Gets up to leave.)I- If there was I wouldn't tell you.
Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe is settling a dispute between the chick and the duck.
(The duck quacks.)
PhoebeOh. Ok, then what happened?
(The duck flaps its wings frantically.)
Phoebe(gasp) Ohh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (The chick clucks.) You'll get your turn!
Ross(entering from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs, what's going on?
PhoebeNothing! (Picks up and sets the chick down on the floor.) (To the chick.) This is not over!
RossNo! No! No!
RossUh, I was up all night writing this really nasty letter to Emily! It was perfect and now it's all covered in-in... (The duck quacks.) Actually, thanks!
Joey(entering from his room) All right! Everybody ready to go to the movies?
RossUh, actually, I think I'm gonna skip it.
RossYeah, I'm gonna stay and read my book. I just wanna be alone right now.
JoeyOh. Sure you don't wanna come? Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, they get mail and stuff.
RossThat's ok, Joe.
JoeyAll right, let's go Pheebs.
Ross(licks the envelope and encounters a foreign substance on the glue.) Oh God! God!
A tennis court somewhere in the city of New York, it's the doubles match - up of a century Chandler and Monica versus Doug and Kara.
(Hits the ball towards Chandler who returns it back to him. He then hits the ball at Monica who slams it and it bounces off Kara's leg.)
DougWell, I gotta tell you Bing; that partner of yours is, a real tiger. (To his wife.) You all right sweetheart?
Kara(out of breath and mouths) I'm not all right.
DougWe're, we're just gonna get a little sip of water.
(They both walk off the court.)
MonicaAm I on fire today or what?! Those birds are browned, basted, and ready to be carved!
ChandlerOk, easy Martina. I think we should let them win the next game.
MonicaI'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said.
ChandlerLet them win one.
MonicaAre you crazy?! We own those two! I mean look at 'em, he can't breath and she's popping pills.
ChandlerYou're not even giving them a chance!
MonicaThey have racquets don't they?!
DougUh, Bing, I think we're gonna make this last game.
ChandlerOh, yes, sir! Put me out of my misery. Are you sure you never played pro? (Does his work laugh.) (To Monica) Please let them win!
MonicaI'll take it down to 95% but that's the best I can do.
(She serves to Doug who returns it to Chandler. As it bounces over his head Chandler swings and misses.)
ChandlerOopsey, missed it!
MonicaI got it! (She hits a forehand smash that bounces right in between Doug and Kara and scores a point.)
(Chandler glares at her and she shrugs her shoulders. Monica serves again; and Kara returns it.)
MonicaI got it!
(Chandler cuts in front of her and hits the ball high and long.)
ChandlerLong! (Gives Monica the Work Laugh.)
Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Chandler are returning from the game.
MonicaI can't believe you let them win!
ChandlerYeah, you know, at least you hid your feelings well about it. (Removes a smashed racquet from his bag.)
MonicaI was frustrated.
ChandlerIt was my racquet.
MonicaI was frustrated with you!
ChandlerIf we hadn't lost the game they would never 've invented us to dinner tomorrow night.
MonicaYou know what really bothers me? It's- it's how-how different you act around them! I mean you know the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the "See you later, Bing!" "Not if I see you first, Doug!" (Mocks the fake laugh.)
ChandlerListen, I don't sound like some crazed drunken pirate.
MonicaI know you don't, but Work Chandler does. I gotta tell you, I don't like Work Chandler. Ok? The guy's a suck-up.
ChandlerOk well you know what, because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight.
Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, the next morning the girls are there with Joey.
MonicaI'm telling you, something's wrong! My brother does not stay out all night.
JoeyMaybe we should check the trash chute.
RachelRoss couldn't fit down the trash chute.
JoeyThat's right, he almost could. Which is exactly how I got stuck there.
RachelThere he is!
MonicaMy God! (She goes to hug him, stops short, and hits him on the shoulder.) Where the hell have you been?!
RossJust, you know, out.
RachelOhh, out, oh God, I don't know why we didn't think to check there!
PhoebeWhat were you doing?
RossI uh, went to a bar. And then, I just uh, just walked around for a while.
RachelYou walked around all night in the city by yourself?
Joey(snaps his fingers) He hooked up! He hooked up with someone.
RossLook, I don't have to answer your questions! Ok? I'm a big boy, I can do whatever I want!
JoeyHe hooked up! Tell us about her!
[Suddenly the door opens and Ross's mystery girl enters. I'll give you a hint to who it isOH....MY....GAWD! Uh-huh, it's Janice.]
Janice(entering) Ross you left you scarf in...(sees everyone.) Hey you guys. (Does the laugh.)
(They all turn and with shocked looks on their faces stare at Ross. Ross is at a loss for words at this moment.)
JaniceOh-ok. Oh-ok. I know what you all are thinking. But Chandler is in Yemen! I'm a young woman! I have needs! I can't wait forever!
RachelYeah! No, that's what I was thinking. (Stares at Ross)
JaniceSo I'm asking you please, just take a moment, before you judge me.
PhoebeOh, nobody's judging you. (They all turn and look at Ross.)
JaniceOh! Ok! (To Ross) You, Mister Right Place at the Right Time, call me! (Does her famous, or is that infamous, laugh and exits.)
(They all turn and glare at Ross.)
JoeySo, I guess you finished your book. (smiles at him) Had some time on our hands, did we?
RossOk, look, I-I know what you guys are gonna say...
PhoebeYou two would have very hairy children.
RossOk, I didn't know you would say that.
JoeyAll right, hold on! Hold on. Hold on. This is Ross, ok? He's our friend. He obviously went crazy. He obviously lost his mind.
RossLook it's not that crazy, ok?
MonicaUh! But it's Janice! I mean, she's... Janice! How drunk were you?
RossOk, Janice and I have a lot in common! We've-we've both been divorced. We-we both have kids.
PhoebeSo are you actually gonna see her again?
JoeyPhoebe! Don't put ideas in his head!
RossI am gonna see her again.
JoeyDamn it Phoebe!
Monica and Rachel's, Monica is going through her purse as Rachel rushes in.
Rachel(entering) Ok, I have to tell you something that I have never admitted during our entire friendship! When we were in high school I made out with James Farrell even though I knew that you liked him! Wow, that feels so good to get off my chest! Ok, you go!
MonicaMy turn? What-what're you talking about?
RachelUgh, Monica, I know about you and Chandler.
RachelI overheard you guys on the phone the other day, and you said, "I'll just tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours." And he said, "Laundry? Is that my new nickname?" And you said, "No! You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big."
MonicaWell. Sounds like you're writing yourself a little play there Rach. Wow! Let me know how that one turns out.
RachelWell, I would know because I got so freaked out, I hung up the phone.
MonicaWell, if you had kept listening, (laughs) you-you would have heard me call him Mr. Big...(Thinks)...it.
MonicaMr. Bigot. I mean, He tells the most racist jokes.
RachelAll right. So that's it. You're telling me there is nothing going on between you and Chandler?
MonicaMe and Chandler?! (Does her fake laugh.)
Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe and Joey are there.
JoeyAll right, put your 20 bucks down. First one to find the tasty treat wins. Ok?
JoeyAll right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.)
PhoebeGet your foot off my contestant! Judge!
JoeyJudge rules, no violation.
Ross(entering) Hey guys!
(Neither of them turns around from watching the chick and the duck look for the tasty treat.)
RossYou know what? It's so weird to say this, but I just had a great day with Janice!
(They both turn around.)
PhoebeAre you serious?!
RossYeah! I opened up to her about all the terrible stuff that's been happening to me. I mean I talked for hours. (Joey has lost interest and is watching the race again.) It is amazing, to have someone give you such-such focused attention.
PhoebeYou don't need Janice for that, you've got us. We...
JoeyAnd the duck gets the Nutter Butter!
Phoebe(turning from Ross.) No! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old wonton!
JoeyJudge rules, Nutter Butter.
PhoebeOhh, tough call.
Doug's house, Chandler, Monica, and them are just finishing dinner.
DougBut seriously, I strongly believe that we should all support President Clinton. And her husband Bill. (Chandler does the laugh.)
KaraSo, how do you kids like your coffee?
MonicaOh, none for me. Thanks.
ChandlerUh just a little bit of sugar.
DougWell, maybe I'll bring it out and have Monica stick her finger in it. That oughta sweeten it up, huh? (Once again, with the laugh.)
(Doug and Kara go get the coffee.)
Monica(To Chandler) How does that laugh not give you a headache?
ChandlerOh, you get used to it.
MonicaYou know, I-I-I don't think that I can. So if you don't mind, maybe this will be it for me on the work things.
ChandlerSo I laugh at my boss's jokes, what's the big deal?
MonicaI'd rather not hang out with this sniveling work weasel guy when-when I can be hanging out with my boyfriend, who I actually respect.
ChandlerOh. (Does a double take when he realizes what she just said.)
Doug(entering) Uh, I gotta apologize for Kara's coffee. You know, I feel sorry for it if it ever got in a fight, it's not strong enough to defend itself. (Chandler does not laugh.) Take what I said Bing?
DougIt's a joke Bing. What's the matter with you?
ChandlerWell, I-I just didn't think it was funny sir.
ChandlerWell, I-I just...
Monica(interrupting) Honey, I just don't think that you understood the joke.
MonicaYeah! I mean, it was really funny, I-I just thought that you got it. You see Kara's coffee is-is-is weak tasting, ok? Wh-wh-what Doug did, was-was imply that it was weak physically. You get it now when?
ChandlerI think I do! (They all laugh.) Thank you, Monica.
MonicaI thought you could use the help.
ChandlerCoffee in a fight! (Does the laugh again.)
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is going through the mail as Joey enters.
Joey(entering) Hey Rach! Hey, you mind if I read my comic books in here?
JoeyOh well, Chandler and Monica are over there and you know, it's kinda hard to concentrate.
RachelWhat?! She just called and said that she was gonna be working late! Ok, she keeps lying to me! That's it! You know what? I'm just gonna go over there and I'm confronting them right now! (Exits.)
JoeyPanty raid. (Gets up and goes into Rachel's room.)
[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Rachel enters and sneaks up to Chandler's bedroom where she overhears Chandler and Monica talking.]
Chandler(from his bedroom) All right, so you're telling me, that I have to tell racist jokes now?!
MonicaSorry! I'm just - I'm not very good at this! I'm a terrible liar and I-I hate having to lie to Rachel!
ChandlerBut we're not ready to tell yet!
MonicaI know! It's just that... ever since high school Rachel was the one person that I told everything to you know? I miss that so much now. She's my best friend.
(Rachel decides not to confront them and starts to walk out, knocking over a lamp in the process.)
Monica(entering) Joey?! Oh my God, Rachel!
MonicaWh-wh-what are you doing here? (She tries to pull her shirt down to cover the fact that she's wearing men's boxers.]
RachelWell, I was actually- I-I came over here to borrow this lamp. To, umm, look at my books, you know, see them a little better.
MonicaGreat! Umm, well what-what I was doing in Chandler's room is that umm, well- I was cleaning it! In fact, he pays me to clean it!
RachelOh! What a-a, you know, great way to make some extra pocket money!
MonicaYou know when-when I said to you earlier that I was at work umm, I'm at my new work.
RachelGood enough. Right? (Pause.) Ok, well, umm, I'm gonna go look at my books!
MonicaGo get, back to my new job.
RachelOk. (Pause.) Congratulations on your new-new job. (She goes and hugs Monica and is almost in tears.)
(After she exits, Chandler enters.)
ChandlerMan, she is really gullible.
(Monica motions that it went right over Rachel's head.)
Central Perk, Ross and Janice are sitting on the couch.
GuntherHere you go. (Serves them both some coffee.)
JaniceActually, I should get going.
RossOh, you-you sure? Because I can stay out as late as you want. I told you how I'm on sabbatical from work, right?
JaniceYes! Yes! You did!
JaniceWhat is wrong now?!
RossThis isn't what I ordered! Man! Can anything go right in my life?! First my marriage falls apart, then I...
JaniceI know! I know! And then you lose your apartment! And then you lose your job! And then your ex-wife gets married so fast! And now the coffee- ahh! Ross, we need to talk.
RossOk. Sometimes I feel...
JaniceNo-no-no-no, no. (covers his mouth) I'm going to talk. I believe that the sun has set on our day in the sun. ("This Sun Has Set" and "In the Sun" are songs.)
Janice(starting to cry) You're a very sweet person Ross, umm, unfortunately, I- just something I can take another second of you whining!
RossLet-let me make sure I'm hearing this right, you're ending this with me, because I'm too whiney? (Janice makes an agreeing sound.) So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy you (points at her), Janice.
JaniceAre you gonna be ok?
RossI am now.
JaniceOh hi! Well, I guess that's two out of three, Joey. (Laughs and exits.)
(Joey looks at Ross with a horrified look on his face.)
Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is reading a magazine as Ross hands him a beer.
RossDude, we gotta talk.
RossI just wanted to tell you something before you heard it from someone else and I, hope this isn't too weird, but uh, I had uh, a thing with Janice. (Chandler laughs, his real laugh this time.) What you're-you're not mad?
ChandlerWhy would I be mad?
RossWell, because you know there are certain rules about this kind of stuff. You don't uh, you don't fool around with your uh, friend's ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're related to.
Chandler(realizes what Ross just said and the implications to him) I am mad! But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna forgive you! Because that's what friends do! They forgive their friends when they do everything you just said, all the things on the list there. Well, but I want you to remember that I forgave you.
ChandlerI also want you to remember, that I let you live here, rent free!
ChandlerAnd, I want you to remember that I gave you twenty (counts his money) seven dollars. No strings attached. Now, if you can't remember that, I think we should write it down- let's write it down!
Written by Alicia Sky Varinaitis; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp