Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating some Chinese food. Phoebe(looking out the window) Oh hey, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy is putting stuff in boxes!
(They all run and join her at the window.)
RachelI'd say from the looks of it, our naked buddy is moving.
RossIronically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes.
RachelOhh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt.
ChandlerAnd we're done with the chicken fried rice.
RossHey! Hey! If he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place!
AllOh Yes! Great idea!
RossIt would be so cool to live across from you guys!
JoeyHey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! You know, well you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string!
ChandlerOr we can do the actual telephone thing.
(They all turn back around to look at Ugly Naked Guy again)
MonicaUh-oh. He's got packing tape stuck to where you really don't want it.
ChandlerGet it off, fat man, get it off!
RossOh no, he's trying to pull it off slowly.
JoeyTake it from me, if you're gonna be pulling tape off yourself it's gotta be in one quick motion.
AllOH!
JoeyLike that.
(Chandler takes another bit of his Chicken Fried Rice.) Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are checking out the place. Luckily, Ugly Naked Guy is nowhere to be seen. RossOh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't believe I never realized how-how great it is!
RachelWell that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man.
PhoebeIt's amazing! You better hurry up and fill out an application or I'm gonna beat you to it.
Ross(laughing) Ohh. (Phoebe takes a couple of steps to the door and Ross quickly hurries out.)
RachelWell, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom. (Does so.)
Phoebe(looking out the window) Oh, look! There's-there's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!
RachelWhat?!
Phoebe(screaming) Ahhh! Chandler and Monica! Chandler and Monica!
RachelOh my God!
PhoebeCHANDLER AND MONICA!
RachelOH MY GOD!
PhoebeOH! MY EYES! MY EYES!
RachelPhoebe! Phoebe! It's ok! It's ok!
PhoebeNO! THEY'RE DOING IT!
RachelI KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW!
PhoebeYOU KNOW?!
RachelYes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!
Ross(entering) Hi, what's going on?
Phoebe and RachelOhhh!
Rachel(trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI! Hi!
RossWhat?! What?!
RachelNothing! Oh God, now we're just so excited that you wanna get this apartment!
RossActually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.)
Phoebe(Screaming incoherently.) Get in here! (Motions to join her and Rachel.)
(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.) Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there talking about Chandler and Monica. PhoebeYou mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like you know doing laundry, or going grocery shopping or- Oh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp!
RachelUh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing it.
PhoebeOh! Oh, I can't believe it! I mean I think it's great! For him. She might be able to do better.
Joey(entering) Hey you guys!
RachelJoey! Come here! Come here!
JoeyWhat? What?
RachelPhoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler.
JoeyYou mean how they're friends and nothing more? (Glares at Rachel.)
RachelNo. You know, Joey, she knows! We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and we saw them doing it through the window. (Joey gasps) Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window.
PhoebeYou know we saw them fornicating! Ok, so now they know you know and they don't know that Rachel knows?
JoeyYes, but, you know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know, that we can just tell them we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!
PhoebeOr, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.
RachelWh-what do you mean?
PhoebeWell you know every time that they say that like they're doing laundry we'll just give them a bunch of laundry to do.
RachelOhhh, I-I would enjoy that!
JoeyOh no-no-no! No, wait Rach, you know what would even be more fun? Telling them.
PhoebeThat doesn't sound like fun.
RachelNo.
JoeySo we'll make it fun, we'll do it like a- like a barbershop quartet. 'We know (points to him) we know (points to Rachel) we know (points to Phoebe)!" (Smiles at the end)
RachelYeah, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing.
JoeyI can't take any...
PhoebeOh, you don't have to do anything! Just don't tell them that we know!
JoeyNoo! I-I can't take any more secrets! (To Rachel) I got your secrets. I got their secrets. I got secrets of my own you know!
RachelYou don't have any secrets!
JoeyOh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. (Joey shies away.)
Rachel(To Phoebe) So, umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them?
JoeyUgh.
PhoebeWell, you could use your position you know as the roommate.
RachelOk.
PhoebeAnd then I would use you know, the strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality.
Chandler(entering) Hello children!
AllHey!
PhoebeOk, watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.
(She gets up and goes over to Chandler who's ordering some coffee from Gunther.)
ChandlerHey.
PhoebeHey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you!
ChandlerReally?
Phoebe(feels his arm) Yeah the material feels so soft- oh, hello Mr. Bicep! You've been working out?
ChandlerWell, I try to, you know, squeeze things. (Phoebe giggles uncontrollably.) You ok?
PhoebeWell, if you really wanna know, I- Oh! I can't tell you this.
ChandlerPhoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything.
PhoebeWell actually you're the one person I can't, tell this to. And the one person I want to the most.
ChandlerWhat's going on?
PhoebeI think it's just you know that I haven't been with a guy in so long and, you know how sometimes you're looking for something and you just don't even see that it's right there in front of you sipping coffee- Oh no, have I said too much? Well, it's just something to think about. I know I will.
(She makes a show of bending over to get her coat and showing off her bum. She then walks out, leaving no one to eat her cookie.)
Chandler's bedroom, Chandler and Monica are there, of course. Like who else would it be, duh! MonicaYou are so cute! How did you get to be so cute?
ChandlerWell, my grandfather was Swedish and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.
MonicaOk, now you're even cuter!
ChandlerYou know that is a popular opinion today I must say.
MonicaWhat?
ChandlerThe weirdest thing happened at the coffee house, I think, I think Phoebe was hitting on me.
MonicaWhat're you talking about?
ChandlerI'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy.
MonicaThat's not possible!
ChandlerOw!
MonicaI'm sorry it's just, I mean Phoebe just always thought you were, you were charming in a, in a sexless kind of way.
ChandlerOh, you know I-I can't hear that enough.
MonicaI just- I'm sorry, I just think that you misunderstood her.
ChandlerNo, I didn't misunderstand, ok? She was all over me! She touched my bicep for crying out loud!
MonicaThis bicep?
ChandlerWell it's not flexed right now! Why is it so hard for you to believe that Phoebe could be attracted to me?
MonicaIt's not. All the girls are attracted to you. You're part bunny. Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there. Monica is entering from her room. RachelHey Mon, what're you doing now? You wanna come see a movie with us?
MonicaUhh, you know actually I-I was gonna do some laundry.
RachelOh.
MonicaHey Chandler, you wanna do it with me?
ChandlerSure, I'll do it with you.
MonicaOk.
RachelOk, great, hold on a sec! (She runs to her room and returns carrying a huge bag of laundry.) Oh, here you go! You don't mind do ya? That would really help me out a lot! Thanks!
MonicaYou mean I-I don't I think I have enough quarters.
PhoebeOh, I have quarters! (She holds up a bag of quarters.)
ChandlerGreat. Now we can do laundry all night. All night laundry!
Ross(entering) Hey!
RachelHey, Ross! Any word on the apartment yet?
RossWell, I called over there and it turns out Ugly Naked Guy is subletting it himself and he's already had like a hundred applicants.
RachelOh.
RossNo-no, it's ok, 'cause you know the difference between them and me is?
ChandlerYour history of bed wetting?
Ross(to Chandler) Ok, I trusted you man! (to the rest) Anyway, the difference is, I've got the edge. It's not exactly ethical but I sent him a little bribe to tip the scales in my direction. Check it out, you could probably see it from the window. (They all head to the window.)
MonicaOh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it?
RossNo.
ChandlerThat new mountain bike?
RossNo.
MonicaWell what did you send?
RossA basket of mini muffins.
PhoebeThere-there's a whole table of mini muffin baskets. Which one did you send?
RossThe small one.
RachelWhat?! You-you actually thought that basket was gonna get you the apartment?
RossWell, yeah! Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.
ChandlerYour work makes me sad.
RossOh man! I want that place so much! And I was so sure that was gonna work! There's twelve bucks I'll never see again! (Exits.)
RachelAll right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie.
MonicaBye!
AllBye!
PhoebeBye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his butt.)
Chandler(after they've left) Ok, did, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching?!
MonicaActually, I did!
ChandlerOk, so now, do you believe that she's attracted to me?
MonicaOhhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!
ChandlerAre you serious?
MonicaPhoebe knows and she just 's trying to freak us out! That's the only explanation for it!
Chandler(a little hurt) Ok but what about you know, my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps- (feels his biceps) She knows!
Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is snoozing with Hugsy, his bedtime penguin pal and Chandler and Monica come storming in. Chandler(entering) Joey!
(Joey quickly tries to hide Hugsy by throwing it over his head.)
JoeyYeah?
ChandlerPhoebe knows about us!
JoeyWell I didn't tell them!
MonicaThem?! Who's them?
JoeyUhhh, Phoebe and Joey.
MonicaJoey!
JoeyAnd Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!
ChandlerOh man!
JoeyI'm sorry! But hey, it's over now, right? 'Cause you can tell them you know they know and I, can go back to knowing absolutely nothing!
MonicaUnless...
JoeyNo! Not unless! Look, this must end now!
MonicaOh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So...
ChandlerAhh yes, the messers become the messees!
JoeyCome on, you guys. I-I... Think-think about how much fun it would be to tell. (does the barbershop quartet thing again) 'We know, we know, we know'.
Chandler(confused) What?
JoeyOh... that wasn't you. Monica and Rachel's, Ross is looking at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment throughbinoculars. RossNoooo.
RachelOh Ross, honey you gotta stop torturing yourself!
PhoebeYeah, why don't you just find another apartment?
RossLook, I've already looked at like a thousand apartments this month and none of them even compares to that one! Well except for one, but I would've had to share it with an Armenian family. Grandma really liked me. But I want Ugly Naked Apartment!
RachelYou know what you should do?
RossHuh?
RachelYou-you should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with him. Yeah! Like if I wanted something from Joey, I would strike up a conversation about, say, umm, sandwiches. Or uh, or my underwear.
JoeyI'm listening.
Rachel(To Ross) See?
RossThat is a great idea! And! I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been watching him for like five years so that gives me back my edge! Oh, let's see now he had the trampoline.
PhoebeYeah well he broke that.
RossWell, he had gravity boots.
RachelYeah, he broke those too.
JoeySo he likes to break stuff.
RossOk, I've gotta go pick up Ben but I-I will figure something out. (He opens the door and stops.) Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
PhoebeI wouldn't bring that up, it would probably just bum him out.
JoeyYeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming.
RossRight. (Exits.)
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
RachelHello! (Listens) Oh! Yeah! Hey! Hold on a second she's right here! (To Phoebe) It's Chandler.
Phoebe(in a sexy voice) Oh? (Takes the phone from Rachel.) Hello you.
ChandlerHello Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day. (He's holding the phone so that Monica can hear it as well.)
PhoebeEh?
ChandlerWell you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued.
PhoebeReally?
ChandlerYeah, listen, Joey's not gonna be here tonight so why don't you come over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more.
PhoebeI'll have to get back to you on that. Ok, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!
RachelAre you kidding?!
PhoebeNo!
RachelI can not believe he would do that to Mon- Whoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know?
JoeyNo.
RachelJoey!
JoeyThey know you know.
RachelUgh, I knew it!
Joey(disappointed) I would say 'Thank God! Everybody knows. It's finally over.' But that hasn't been working for me.
RachelOh, I cannot believe those two!
PhoebeGod, they thought that they could mess with us?! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) And Joey, you can't say anything!
JoeyCouldn't even if I wanted to. Outside Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross knocks on the door and Ugly Naked Guy answers it. He's ugly. He's naked. And he's holding a huge jumbo soda. RossGood evening, sir. My name is Ross Geller. I'm one of the people who applied for the apartment. And I-I realize that the competition is fierce but- I'm sorry. I, I can't help but notice that you're naked and (He claps his hands.) I applaud you. Man, I wish I was naked. I mean, this-this looks so great. That is how God intended it. Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica and Rachel and Phoebe are planning their respective strategies to break the other pairing. Joey is not amused. Monica(in the kitchen with Chandler) Look at them, they're-they're panicked!
ChandlerOh yeah, they're totally gonna back down!
MonicaOh yeah!
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.]
PhoebeAll right. All right! If he wants a date, he's gonna get a date. All right, I'm gonna go in.
RachelOk, ok, be sexy.
Phoebe(laughs) Please.
(She saunters over to Chandler with a mean pair of 'Come hither' eyes and she glares at Monica.)
PhoebeSo Chandler, I-I'd love to come by tonight.
Chandler(initially worried, but gets over it) Really?
PhoebeOh absolutely. Shall we say, around seven?
ChandlerYes.
PhoebeGood. I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse.
(As she walks away, Chandler mouths a scream to Monica. She motions and mouths, "It's ok, it's ok.")
Joey(looking out the window) Hey-hey, check it out! Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend!
(They all run over to the window.)
RachelOh yeah! (She gasps.) Oh my God! That is our friend! (Monica covers her face.) It's Naked Ross! (Monica turns and buries her face in Chandler's shoulder.)
AllYeah! Ugly Naked Guy's apartment. Ross is naked (no body parts are showing that shouldn't be seen on a national TV show), along with Ugly Naked Guy, eating a muffin and drinking a cup of tea. RossWould you like another mini muffin? Try the blueberry, they're delicious. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Phoebe ready for her date. RachelShow time!
PhoebeOk, Rachel, get me perfume!
RachelOk! (She runs to get some.)
PhoebeAnd Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? (He begrudgingly does so.)
(In the meantime, Rachel has returned with the perfume and sprays a mist out in front of Phoebe who walks through the mist and does a little spin. Phoebe walks over to Joey who walks out of the kitchen with 2 coffee cups and what seems to be a bottle of wine)
PhoebeAll right. Thanks. But umm, glasses that do not have handles and that are glass. And umm wine that is not olive oil.
RachelUh! (Walks into the kitchen)
(Joey reads the bottle he originally got and starts to laugh)
[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Monica is getting Chandler ready for his half of the plan.]
MonicaAll right, it'll be great! You just make her think you wanna have sex with her! It'll totally freak her out!
ChandlerOk, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?
MonicaRelax, she-she's gonna give in way before you do!
ChandlerHow do you know?!
MonicaBecause you're on my team! And my team always wins!
ChandlerAt this?!
MonicaJust go get some! (Kisses him.) Go! (She runs to hide in the bathroom.)
[Cut to the hallway, Phoebe is outside getting some last minute instructions from Rachel.]
Rachel(handing her the wine) Ok honey, now I'm gonna try to listen from right here!
PhoebeOk.
RachelOk? Whoa, wait! (She undoes one button on Phoebe's dress.)
PhoebeGood idea!
RachelYeah, oh wait! (She goes for another one.)
PhoebeOh now, don't give away the farm!
(Phoebe knocks on the door with the wine and Chandler answers it. Rachel hides next to the door.)
ChandlerPhoebe.
PhoebeChandler.
ChandlerCome on in.
PhoebeI was going to. (They go inside and he closes the door.) Umm, I brought some wine. Would you like some?
ChandlerSure.
(She makes a big show out of pulling out the cork and pours the wine.)
PhoebeSo, here we are. Nervous?
ChandlerMe? No. You?
PhoebeNo, I want this to happen.
ChandlerSo do I.
(They click their glasses and take a sip. That sip turns into a gulp, which quickly progresses into their mutual draining of their glasses at once.)
ChandlerI'm gonna put on some music. (He does and unknowingly it's some haunting music in which Phoebe and Rachel, who is listening outside the apartment, are confused) Joey likes to scare the duck. (He puts on some romantic music.)
PhoebeMaybe I'll dance for you. (She starts doing a rather suggestive and seductive dance that's silly at the same time.)
ChandlerYou look good.
PhoebeThanks! You know, that when you say things like that it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off!
ChandlerWell, why don't we move this into the bedroom?
PhoebeReally?
ChandlerOh, do you not wanna?
PhoebeNo. No! I just, you know first, I wanna take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me.
Chandler(swallowing hard) Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion.
[Cut to the bathroom, Chandler is entering.]
ChandlerListen, this is totally getting out of hand! Ok? She wants me to put lotion on her!
MonicaShe's bluffing!
ChandlerLook, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)
[Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.]
PhoebeHe's not backing down. He went to get lotion.
RachelIt's Chandler, you-you can take him. I mean come on, don't you remember, when you made him cry using only your words?
Joey(entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! I wanna sit in my chair!
RachelJoey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
JoeyOoh! I like that!
RachelOk!
Joey(To Phoebe) Oh, ok! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.)
PhoebeJoey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn't rip off any buttons.
JoeyIt's not my first time.
[Cut to the bathroom.]
MonicaYou go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!
ChandlerOk, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?
MonicaOf course.
[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.)
ChandlerOh, you're-you're going?
PhoebeUmm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.
Chandler(swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very happy we're gonna have all the sex.
PhoebeYou should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause) I'm gonna kiss you now.
ChandlerNot if I kiss you first.
(They move closer to together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to put his hand on her right hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.)
PhoebeOh-eh.
ChandlerWell, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.
PhoebeHere it comes. Our first kiss.
(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)
ChandlerOk! Ok! Ok! All right! You win! You win! I can't have sex with ya!
PhoebeAnd why not?!
ChandlerBecause I'm in love with Monica!
PhoebeYou're-you're what?!
(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)
ChandlerLove her! That's right, I... LOVE... HER! I love her! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.
MonicaI love you too Chandler. (They kiss.)
PhoebeI just - I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!
JoeyDude!
ChandlerAnd hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor. (Pause) And may I say your breasts are still showing.
PhoebeGod! (She turns and buttons up.)
JoeyAll right! So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!
MonicaWell actually, Ross doesn't.
ChandlerYes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.
(Joey suddenly gets very angry.) Ross's new apartment, he is showing his boss, Dr. Ledbetter his new place and new outlook on life. RossWell here it is. A new place for a new Ross. I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over once it's you know, furnished.
Dr. LedbetterI must say it's nice to see you're back on your feet.
RossWell I am that. An-and that whole rage thing is definitely behind me.
Dr. LedbetterI wonder if it's time for you to rejoin our team at the museum?
RossOh Donald that-that would be great. I am totally ready to come back to work. I- What? (He notices something through the window.) No! Wh... What're you doing?! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!

Written by Alexa Junge; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp