Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are sitting on one of the chairs doing a crossword puzzle. JoeyHey!
ChandlerHey!
MonicaHey!
JoeyWhat're you guys doing up?
ChandlerOh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?
Joey(thinks) Dark red.
ChandlerYeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the dots in here for you later. (To Monica) Hey, how about maroon?
Monica(checks to see if it works) Yes, you are so smart! (Kisses him.)
JoeyAww, you guys are so cute!
MonicaI know.
JoeyAll right, I'll see you in the morning.
Chandler and MonicaOk. Joey's bedroom, time lapse. He's asleep and dreaming. In his dream he's doing the crossword puzzle with... wait for it... Monica! Dream MonicaYou know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you honey!
Dream JoeyAww, me too. Now let's finish this and go to bed.
Dream MonicaOk! There's only one left, three letter word, not dog but...
Dream JoeyCat.
Dream MonicaYes! You are so smart! (Kisses him.) I love you.
Dream JoeyI love you too.
(They hug.)
[Cut back to Joey in bed, he's smiling, enjoying the dream as he wakes up. Suddenly, he realized what he was dreaming about and bolts upright in bed.] Central Perk, everyone is there but Ross and Joey. Gunther hands them the bill, and Chandler gives some money to pay it. Rachel(looking at the bill) Uhh, we-we still need a tip.
PhoebeAll right. Hold on. (She starts digging in the chair.) I got it. Nickel! (Donates it.) How much more do we need?
RachelA couple of bucks.
PhoebeOk, dime! (Donates that.) You guys should probably keep talking, this could take a while. (Finds something else.) Oh no, wait! Look it! Whoa! (Looks at it.) Oh my God, this is a police badge!
MonicaWow!
ChandlerOh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. (No one laughs.) You know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that.
RachelPhoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge.
PhoebeYeah, I should probably take it back. Ooh, but you know what? While I'm at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists because my friend Fritzy 's been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year! (She crosses her fingers in hope.)
Joey(entering) Hey, you guys!
ChandlerHey!
RachelHey Joey!
MonicaHey.
Joey(To Monica) Hey. That uh, that's my sweatshirt?
MonicaOh yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it, I was cold. I-I hope it's ok?
JoeyWell uh, it's just that uh, you know if-if you're gonna be wearing someone's sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriends you know, and I'm not him.
MonicaI'm sorry, I'll-I'll give it back to you.
JoeyNo-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all smelling like Monica!
MonicaAre you saying I smell bad?
JoeyNo! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.) I'm sorry. (Runs to the bathroom.)
MonicaWhat's with him?
ChandlerOh, you know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter.
(Ross enters.)
RossHey.
PhoebeHey, look-look what I found. It's a police badge. (shows him the police badge)
RossOh, what's that doing here? I don't see any doughnuts. (He's the only one that laughs.) Cops and donuts. Come on. Ohh ok, alright if Chandler had said it you'd be all on the floor.
ChandlerCops, doughnuts? Me? (scoffs and motions for Monica not to say anything.) A couch store, Ross is trying to decide on a new couch for his place. He has dragged Rachel along for the trip, and she's not too happy about it. Ross is sitting on it in different ways to see how it feels. He tries to just sit on it normally, and then he tries flopping on it. One thing about this couch, it's huge. It's like twice the size of a normal full size couch. Whoever designed this thing, needs help and fast. Rachel(disgusted at Ross's antics) Ugh!
Ross(To Rachel) Yeah, I still don't know. (To the salesman who is hovering nearby) I'm sorry I just wanna make sure that I bought the right couch. I need a couch that says, "Kids welcome here." But that also says, (In a sexy voice) "Come here to me!"
RachelWhat?! You say that to kids?!
RossNo! No! No! The "Come here to me" is, you know, for the ladies.
RachelRoss, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch.
The SalesmanUh you picked a great couch.
RossYeah?
The SalesmanYeah. Could you just sign right here please? (Hands him a clipboard.)
RossOh, sure. Whoa-whoa, what's-uh? The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch!
RachelWait! No, that's ridiculous. Come on, he lives three blocks away!
RossYeah, you know what? I'll take it myself, thank you! (He signs the form and hands it back to the salesman.) All right Rach, come on, let's go! (He picks up one end of the couch.)
RachelYeah! (She puts on her coat and turns around and sees Ross is expecting her to help.) (Laughing.) Are you kidding?
RossOh, come on, it's only three blocks! And-and, it's not very heavy, try it! Come on! Come on!
Rachel(Disgustedly she goes and tries to pick up the couch. Much to her amazement, she is successful.) Oh! Oh I can do it!
RossYeah!
The SalesmanYou two are really gonna enjoy that couch.
RossOh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together. (He starts backing out of the store.)
The SalesmanOhh, ok. (Laughs.) Something didn't quite add up there. (Ross stops, walks back to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes Rachel up against a wall.)
RachelRoss!
RossWhat's that supposed to mean?
RachelRoss!
The SalesmanWell, you, her, I mean, she's very... you know. And you're like... you know.
RossNot that it's any of your business, but we did go out.
The SalesmanReally? You two?
RossYeah! Rach?
RachelCome on, I don't really wanna be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch.
RossThen tell him quickly.
Rachel(To Ross) Fine! (To the salesman) We went out.
RossNot only did we go out, we did it 298 times!
RachelRoss! Oh my- Ugh! You kept a count?! You are such A loser!
RossA loser you did it with (To the salesman) 298 times!
(Rachel pushes on the couch and pushes Ross out the door.) Outside of Central Perk, Phoebe is exiting and sees a woman put out her cigarette on a tree. PhoebeOh! Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am?
The Smoking WomanYes?
PhoebeYou can't put your cigarette out on a tree!
The Smoking WomanYeah I can, it worked real well.
PhoebeNo but you shouldn't! So don't ever do that again.
The Smoking WomanI won't! (Turns away) Till I have my next cigarette.
PhoebeHold it! (Grabs the badge) N.Y.P.D! Freeze punk!
The Smoking WomanWhat?!
PhoebeYeah that's right you are so busted. (To no one in particular.) Uh Book 'em.
The Smoking WomanWho're you talking too?
PhoebeSave it Red! Unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree.
The Smoking WomanI am not going to apologize to a tree!
PhoebeYou apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. (The woman calls her bluff.) (Screaming at no one in particular) Backup! Backup!
The Smoking WomanI-I'm sorry! Sorry.
PhoebeOk, cancel backup! Cancel backup! Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel are about to attempt to take the couch upstairs. RossOk. (Throws off the last cushion.)
RachelRoss, didn't you say that there was, uh an elevator in here?
RossUhh, yes I did but there isn't. Ok, here we go.
RachelOh, then wait. Don't you think we should maybe rethink the whole hiring movers thing?
RossNo way! They're a rip-off! And-and you know what else? They check out your stuff and come back later and steal it. It's true. I saw it on Dateline.
RachelOh, I love Dateline. You know, Jane Pauley is the one woman I would kiss. I don't know, there's just something about her.
Ross(interrupts) Rach, can we concentrate?
RachelYeah, fine. (angrily) Listened to your dumb story.
(They start the attempt. Ross is going backwards and reaches the first landing. This staircase has three steps then a landing, makes a 90-degree turn, and has more steps before another landing and another 90-degree turn.)
RossOk, go left. Left! Left! (The bottom of the couch is hitting the railing.)
RachelOk, you know what? There is no more left, left!
RossOh ok, lift it straight up over your head! Straight up over your head! You can do it! You can do it! (She gets it lifted up and they make the first turn.) Ok. You got it?
RachelYeah. Oh God.
RossGood-good-good.
RachelOh-oh!
(She can't stay at the end as the couch rounds the turn so she shifts to the back corner of the couch and is at a 90-degree angle to it.)
RossYeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it?
(She don't got it as the couch slips out of their grips and falls over the bottom railing.)
RachelAny chance you think the couch looks good there? Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime in her own way with the badge she found. Phoebe...so this guy was all (Mumbles.) And I'm all, Buffay, Homicide. (Flashes the badge.) It was just so cool!
Monica(cooking something) Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back!
PhoebeI know, but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds.
ChandlerOk, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested.
PhoebeYou could get arrested, right now! (Flashes the badge and they glare at her.) All right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power. (She heads for the door just as Joey enters.)
Phoebe(To Joey) Hey.
Joey(To Phoebe) Hey! (Sees that Monica's there.) Oh.
ChandlerHi Joe.
JoeyYeah, I didn't know you guys were gonna be here.
MonicaHey Joey, do me a favor sweetie, taste this. (Holds out a spoon for him.)
Joey(backing away) What?! Why?!
ChandlerIt's ok Joe. She's a trained chef.
JoeyUh, actually I was uh looking for Phoebe. (moves his head as if he is trying to spot her)
ChandlerWell, y-y-you just missed her.
JoeyOh was that her?
ChandlerUh-huh.
JoeyOh, I gotta go. (starts to leave but Monica prevents him from doing so)
MonicaAll right Joey, wait a minute. Wait. What is going on with you?
JoeyNothing!
ChandlerOh come on! You've been acting strange all day!
JoeyAll right! There is something. I uh, kinda had a dream, (pause) but I don't wanna talk about it. (Starts for his room.)
ChandlerWhoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said that? (Imitating what his famous speech would sound like.) I kinda have a dream! Yeah I-I don't wanna talk about it.
JoeyWell, it involved Monica.
ChandlerYou had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! (To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. (Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.)
JoeyLook, don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it or anything. I haven't dreamt about her like that since I found out about you two-ish.
MonicaWhat was the dream about?
JoeyWell, ok. You were my girlfriend and we, were doing the crossword puzzle. You know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica and I'll be moving out. (tries to head to his room but stops him from doing so)
MonicaWait, Joey! Chandler! That doesn't mean that-that you're in love with me!
JoeyIt-it doesn't?
MonicaNo!
ChandlerNo, it can mean anything. Like uh, yeah all of a sudden you're jealous that I become the apartment stud.
JoeyKinda sounds like your dream dude.
MonicaOr, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and, and you know we were being close and stuff and then, I mean you just wanna have that with someone too.
JoeyWell, in the dream I did enjoy the closeness.
MonicaUm-hmm.
JoeyWell if that's what it was, that'd be great. I wouldn't have to move.
ChandlerOk, look-look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?
Joey(looks at her) Not really.
ChandlerWell there you have it!
MonicaWell sure! I'm just wearing sweats! (Looking at Chandler and slowly realizing what his point is.) But that's good, that you're not in love with me, because you just want a girlfriend!
JoeyNo, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. You know? I mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crossword puzzles, but you know are we ever gonna have you know the closeness like-like you guys have?
ChandlerWell you know, Monica and I were friends before we started dating. So maybe-maybe that's it?
JoeyFriends first? That's interesting.
MonicaYou become friends after?
JoeyNo, never done that either.
Rachel(entering) Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure?
ChandlerOh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.
(Monica and Chandler both remember a special moment between them.)
Monica(laughing) That's right.
(They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly and head for his bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a seductive way.)
Rachel(noticing him) What's up Joey?
Joey(in a sexy voice) How you doing?
(Rachel is stunned.) Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is walking up and notices a car that is parked half on the curb and right in front of the door, making it difficult for people to enter Central Perk. PhoebeExcuse me, is this your car?
GuyYeah.
PhoebeWell I don't think it's very nice of you to park here, you know you're blocking the entrance.
GuyDon't worry about it. It's not a problem.
PhoebeWell, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop. (Shows the badge.)
Guy(he reaches into the car and slams his siren on the roof.) So am I!
PhoebeOhh, no. (Pause) Oh ok, so you're a cop, which means you can park anywhere, 'cause I know that 'cause I'm a cop too. So, all right, keep up the good work. 10-4. (Tries to leave.)
Cop(stopping her) Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with?
PhoebeI-I'm with the umm, the 57th.
CopOh, I know a guy in homicide up there.
PhoebeI'm in vice. Yeah, I'm in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.
CopWho-who else is in vice up there?
PhoebeUmm, do you know, umm Sipowicz?
CopSipowicz? No, I don't think so.
PhoebeYeah, Sipowicz, yeah, big guy, kinda bald.
CopNah, I don't know him.
Phoebe(starts to walk away, but stops) Don't try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there, he's out. His umm, his partner just died.
CopWow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.
PhoebeI-I sure will, take care. (Starts walking off.)
Cop(following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did you find my badge?
PhoebeOh. (She starts laughing. Then she throws the badge at him and runs away.) Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering. Rachel is there getting some tools to help Ross out. RachelHey! Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch?
JoeyOh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But you know what? I guess I can blow that off, (In a sexy voice) for you.
(He starts staring at her longingly.)
RachelThanks!
JoeyUh, say, Rach, let me ask you something. Uh, I was just over there talking to Monica and Chandler, boy they are really tight.
RachelI know.
JoeyYeah that's not a bad situation they got going over there. Yeah, thinking of getting me one of those.
RachelWhat's up Joe?
JoeyWell, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great...
RachelYeah?
Joey...is because they were friends first. You know? So I asked myself, "Who are my friends?" You and Phoebe. I saw you first. So...
Rachel(laughing) What're you saying?
JoeyI'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch.
RachelYou know, honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am, that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I-I just, I-I don't think we should be cranking anything up.
JoeyI'll treat you real nice. (Pulls out a chair for her.)
Rachel(laughs and pushes the chair back in) Yeah, well, you know, umm... No, honey, listen, I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is you know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends!
JoeyWon't-won't that take longer?
RachelYeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's so worth the wait.
JoeyYeah. I understand. I understand. Yeah. (Pause) Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first! The lobby of Ross's building, he's sitting on the couch at the bottom of the stairs, and he's practicing enticing women to join him on the couch. RossCome here to me. No-no, you come here to me.
Rachel(entering) Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements.
RossOh, great! What, you brought Joey?
RachelWell, I brought the next best thing.
Chandler(entering) Hey!
RossChandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!
ChandlerYou know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so...
RossAll right. Look, I-I drew a sketch of how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Ok? Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.)
RachelWhoa-oh, what's-what's that? (Points.)
RossOh, that's me.
RachelWow! Certainly think a lot of yourself.
RossNo! That's-that's my arm!
Chandler(looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.
RossYou know what? Just-just follow my lead.
(Chandler and Ross head for opposite ends of the couch.)
RachelOk!
ChandlerOk.
RossCome on, Chandler.
(They pick up the couch and after throwing off the last pillow; Rachel helps out on Chandler's end.)
RossAll right. (They start up the stairs. Ross is first.) Ok, here we go!
(Chandler has moved forward and is now underneath the couch as it heads up the first set of stairs.)
RossAll right, ready?
ChandlerYeah.
RossTurn.
Chandler(straining) Ok.
RossTurn! Turn!
(As they turn the couch, Chandler gets sandwiched between the railing and the couch.)
ChandlerOk, I don't think we can turn anymore!
RachelRoss, I don't, I just don't think it's gonna fit.
RossOh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! (They start up the stairs again. Chandler is between the couch and the wall now.) Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et! Piv-ett!! Piv-et!
ChandlerShut up! Shut up! Shut up!
(They set the couch down.)
RossOk, I don't think it's gonna pivot anymore.
Chandler and RachelYou think?!
RossAll right, let's uh, let's bring it back down and-and try again.
(As they start back down the couch drops a little bit and gets jammed. They try to free it to no avail.)
ChandlerOk, yeah, I think it's really stuck now.
RossI can't believe that didn't work!
RachelI know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch!
ChandlerOh, you know, what did you mean when you said pivot? Chandler and Joey's. Chandler is playing with a Rubik's cube. ChandlerMan, I cannot figure this out.
Monica(sitting on the other Barcalounger) Yeah because it's not 1985.
(Phoebe comes running in.)
PhoebeYou guys, guess what? I-I ditched a cop.
MonicaWhat?!
ChandlerWhat do you mean?!
PhoebeWell, he caught me using his badge and he tried to bust me. Damn real cops!
MonicaHow far did he chase you?
PhoebeWell, he didn't really. He just-he picked up his badge and-and stood there.
ChandlerWell maybe, we'll see you on World's Most Boring Police Chases.
MonicaWhy did you run?
PhoebeI had to. I mean, you know, impersonating a cop is like a Class E felony. That's two to four years minimum. And I am not going back to that hellhole. The lobby of Ross' building. Ross is still fixated on wanting to move the couch while Rachel is just sitting there on the stairs playing with string. RossIf I can just get it to pivot we'll be back on track! Rach, Rach, can I get some help please?
RachelYeah. (She pulls herself up by holding on the arm of the couch and pulling on the fire alarm. The fire alarm goes off.)
RossTurn it off! Turn it off! (Rachel tries to do but ends up breaking it.)
RachelOh, hey! Maybe the firemen can help us move the couch when they get here. (Ross just stares at her.) (Other tenants coming running down the stairs over the couch.) Wait, wait, wait!
RossWait, wait, wait! It's a new couch! It's a new couch! (somehow someone hurts him) Oww! A new couch! (No one listens and continuing stepping on the couch and in the process breaks one of the arms of the couch.)
RachelAw! Chandler and Joey's, Joey is returning and finds Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there. Joey(entering) Hey!
RachelHey! How's it going? Did you make any new friends?
JoeyYeah, yeah, I met this woman. (Starts for his room.)
Chandler(stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like?
JoeyUhh, well, she's... really good in bed.
MonicaJoey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first!
Joey(To Rachel) Well, look, hey, it's all your fault!
RachelWhat?! Why?!
JoeyWell because you didn't give me advice! No! You gave me a pick up line! As soon as I told her I wanted to you know, build a foundation and be friends first. I suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! (Pause) And her roommate!
MonicaWhat about the closeness?
JoeyCloseness shmoshness! There was three of us for crying out loud! Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering with a pizza and finds everyone but Ross there. Joey(entering) All right! Hey, who wants pizza?!
ChandlerOoh, I do! I do! I do!
(They all walk over to get a slice.)
Joey(taking a bite) Oh, great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor?
(They all throw their pieces back as there is a knock on the door.)
MonicaWho is it?
VoiceN.Y.P.D!
Phoebe and JoeyOh my God!
JoeyUhh, just a minute officer!
(He throws his piece back in the box, runs into the living room, looks for a place to hide the pizza, finds one, slides the box under the couch, sits down on the table, and tries to quickly chew the food in his mouth.)
CopI'm looking for Phoebe Buffay!
PhoebeOoh, my God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I can't believe it! He found me!
RachelOh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?!
PhoebeWell, if I'm going down, you guys are going down (Points at all of them) with me. (They all look at her.) Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three years minimum. Good luck Chandler. (She opens the door to the cop from before.) Ok, you could arrest me. Fine. But you'll never make it stick and you know it!
CopYeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand right?
PhoebeYeah! As long as you understand that I'm gonna call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand he's gonna make you look like a fool like a fool!
CopI don't like looking foolish. You know what? Maybe uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here.
PhoebeI would love it if I weren't here!
CopOk, so since umm, you're not going to jail tonight I was wondering if you would umm like to go to dinner with me?
PhoebeMe?!
CopYeah. Ever since you flashed my badge at me, I kinda can't stop thinking about you. You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen.
Chandler and JoeyNice!
PhoebeWow! I didn't see that coming! You're-you're asking me out!
CopYeah. I mean, I could've done it better, but these people keep staring at me.
PhoebeUmm, yeah, I'd like to go out with you officer...
CopGary.
PhoebeGary.
GaryOk, so it's a date.
PhoebeYeah! So-oh, I gotta ask you though. How did you know where to find me?
GaryWell you're fingerprints were all over my badge so I just ran it through the computer and this was listed as your last known address so I just checked it out.
PhoebeOhh, impressive.
GaryNot as impressive as you. I gotta tell you, I looked at your record and you've done some pretty weird stuff.
PhoebeYeah, we'll talk at dinner.
GaryOk. (He starts to leave.) So I'll come by in a couple of hours and pick you up?
PhoebeAll right, I can't wait!
GaryOk. Don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for donuts.
(Chandler bursts out laughing and everyone just looks at him.)
Chandler(To Rachel) He has a gun! The couch store, Ross is talking to a saleswoman. RossI'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it.
[The camera cuts to show the couch, which has been cut in half.]
The SaleswomanYou wanna return this couch? (Ross nods yes.) It's cut in half!
RossThat's what I'm telling you.
The SaleswomanDid you cut this couch in there?
RossIt's crazy, it is cut in half.
The SaleswomanI don't understand.
RossThis couch, is cut in half! I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half!
The SaleswomanWe can't accept it in this condition.
RossWell, I can't accept it in this condition!
The SaleswomanYou're telling me this couch was delivered to you like this?!
RossLook, I am a reasonable man. I will accept store credit.
The SaleswomanI'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars.
Ross(thinks) I will take it.

Story by Alicia Sky Varinaitis; Teleplay by: Gigi McCreery & Perry Rein; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp