Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Joey is holding a deck of cards out to Chandler. JoeyOk, pick a card.
ChandlerOk. (He picks the 9 of Spades)
JoeyAll right now, memorize it. (Pause) You got it?
ChandlerOh yes.
Joey(holding up the Queen of Clubs) Ok. Is that your card? (He winks and smiles.)
Chandler(pause) Yes.
(Joey laughs then realizes the trick didn't work when Chandler hands him his card back.)
Carol(entering with Ben and Ross) Hey guys!
ChandlerHi there!
CarolGuess what? Ben is gonna be in a TV commercial!
PhoebeWhat're you talking about?!
Ross(sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute- you know, which he is- umm anyway, we uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.
Joey(reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition?! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times, no one ever offered me an audition.
RossI know, it's crazy! We were just pushing Ben on the swings...
JoeyI'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong?!
ChandlerThat. Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating breakfast, Ross is heading for the bathroom. Rachel(entering from her room) Ok, gotta go! Wish me luck!
Ross & JoeyGood Luck!
ChandlerHey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?
RachelUh, well, you know what? I don't know if I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day...
ChandlerUnwilling to steal from work, interesting.
MonicaBesides, if anybody's gonna get free stuff, it's gonna be me.
RachelOk guys, way to wish me luck!
AllGood luck! Go get 'em! (Rachel exits.)
PhoebeOk, let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend.
JoeyWhoa-whoa, but her birthday isn't like for another month.
PhoebeOk but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise.
MonicaI think it's a great idea. Yeah, we-we can have a dinner party and just invite her close friends.
JoeyRoss! We're having a surprise party for Rachel!
Ross(from the bathroom) Ok!
PhoebeOk, great, so do you wanna do it together?
MonicaI would love to do it together!
(Joey starts to giggle.)
JoeyThey're gonna do it together.
ChandlerDude! That's my girlfriend!
JoeyWhat, so I gotta shut it down now?
RossAll right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up Ben and then we're off to the big audition.
MonicaIt's gonna be weird seeing some actor pretending to be Ben's dad.
ChandlerWeirder than seeing his two moms make out? (Monica nods in agreement.)
JoeyWhoa-whoa dad? There's a dad in the commercial?
RossYeah the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it.
JoeyWhoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with you and see if I can get an audition as the dad. I mean who better to play Ben's father than his godfather.
RossYou're not his godfather.
JoeyWhat?! Are you kidding?!
Ross(Pause) Of course I am! (Joey is relieved) Ok, let's go, godfather.
JoeyAll right!
(As they walk out he motions to Chandler that he is still Ben's godfather.) Ben's audition, Carol, Ross, and Ben along with about 10 more families are in a waiting room as Joey enters happily. JoeyHey! I'm in, they're gonna let me audition!
RossReally? That's great!
JoeyI know! I know! It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her. Hey, and the other one I know from... (smiles) well you know. (Ross smiles too.)
Carol(noticing a kid who has picked up a copy of Variety to read) Hey, that kid looks familiar.
JoeyOh yeah, yeah! He's done tons of commercials. I've seen him in like Sugar Smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company. In fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was maaaad...
RossYeah well, he's not gonna get this one. All right? Ben is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him, look at you, (Starts to whine like a baby and Joey just glares at him.)
JoeyThat's great. Listen, wouldn't it be great though if I got to play Ben's dad?
RossJoey, you look nothing like Ben.
JoeyI look more like him than you do! (He winks at Carol.)
CarolYou know, I really don't know you well enough for you to do that. Rachel's new job, she's in her new boss's office (Kim's) and with the other assistant (Nancy). Together they're deciding what clothes to buy or something, who knows, let's all watch/read to find out. KimSo it's down to these two, Nancy I know you like this one and I think I agree. Rachel, what do you think?
RachelWell, umm, that one is pretty but uh, I just, I just love this fabric (to the other one.) Sorry.
KimOh, don't be sorry, that's part of your job here to give your opinions. And then I take credit for them- I'm kidding.
NancyShe is kidding, but, don't ever disagree with her again. Ok, now I'm kidding!
Rachel(laughing nervously) Oh, what a fun office.
KimI don't know which one, but I do know, I need a cigarette. So what do you say we take a break, we go outside, and we'll figure this out when we come back?
(They all get up to leave.)
Kim(at the door) Rachel?
KimYou smoke?
RachelOh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories... (stops and tries to change directions)... about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is telling Chandler and Monica about her day. Rachel...and then they came back from smoking and they had made all of the decisions without me!
MonicaThat doesn't seem fair.
RachelI know! It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting poisonous habit!
ChandlerYeah, it is the best.
RachelI mean what if this keeps happening? You know, they'll-they'll be outside smoking, making all the decisions, and I'll just be up in my office breathing my stupid clean air, you know? And then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote one of us, who do you think she's gonna pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson?
ChandlerYou know, we used to have a smoking area at work. It was great. There was this big flowerpot with dirt in it. And we used to put like our cigarettes out in it. One of the old-timers told me there used to be a little tree in there.
MonicaRachel, you can go down there, you don't have to smoke. Just, say you wanna get some fresh air.
RachelYeah, I can do that.
ChandlerYeah, or you can just do the easy thing and smoke. You gotta take long, deep drags. (pretends he is taking one and then coughs) Wow, I still don't have my lung capacity back yet. (Monica pats him easy on the back.)
Phoebe(entering) Hey!
PhoebeOh-hey Rach, you wanna go get coffee?
RachelAw, I would love to!
PhoebeOh, good!
ChandlerI wanna go too babe.
PhoebeOh good. Yay.
Rachel & ChandlerYay.
(They all start out.)
PhoebeAll right, I changed my mind! (She slams the door on them.) Ok, let's talk about the party! I 've so many ideas! (Holds up a cocktail napkin.)
MonicaOh, me too! (Runs and grabs her 3-ring binder of ideas.)
PhoebeOh, look at that.
MonicaAll right, a little sketch of the cake, see? umm some sample menus, umm you know I thought we'd start out with Tuscan style finger food, ok? And for music, here's an alphabetized list of all of my CDs! I've highlighted the ones that'll go really good with the food.
PhoebeWhat happened to the intimate dinner party?
MonicaOh you know, we're not doing that. Ok...
PhoebeSo wow, all right, it looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host.
MonicaWhaaat? I didn't take care of everything, there's-there's plenty of things for you to do!
PhoebeUh-huh, like what?
Monica(Thinks) Cups.
PhoebeCups? You're giving me cups?
MonicaAnd ice!
PhoebeCups and ice? Ooh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? (Thinks of something) All right. Fine, ok, I will be in charge of cups and ice!
MonicaWait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant...
PhoebeI got it! Mine!
Ross(entering, downtrodden) Hi.
MonicaHey! How'd the audition go?!
RossNot so good.
MonicaWait a minute, are you doing Joey's (sadly) "Audition didn't go so well. (Happily) Yeah it did?"
Ross(Pause) Yeah I am! Yeah, Ben got a second audition!
Joey(also downtrodden) Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit 'cause I actually didn't get a callback.
MonicaYou got a callback too didn't ya?
Joey(Happily) Yeah I did! The smoker's balcony, Rachel is out to join Kim and Nancy. KimHey Rachel, what're you doing out here?
RachelOh well, it got kinda lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out here and get some fresh air.
KimNancy and I were just talking about the fall collection.
RachelOh great!
KimSo anyway, we really... (Someone exhales and Rachel turns and coughs.) Honey, I'm sorry, we're just smoking all over you.
NancyOh, sorry!
RachelOh that's ok.
KimNo-no-no, we'll move, you stay right here. (They walk away.)
NancyYou know I sent the designs over to Ralph and he's very excited about the lure.
KimOh, that's great! You are the best!
(Rachel gets fed up and heads over to another smoker.)
RachelExcuse me, can I, can I bum one of those? (He holds up his pack.) Yeah, you know what, actually... (She takes the one he's smoking and heads over to where Nancy and Kim are standing and laughing.) Ok, ok, ok, what's so funny over here?
NancyI thought you didn't smoke.
RachelOh, you know, I-I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, you know? You know what I mean, like doobies? And I actually, I thought to myself, "Wow, those guys are crazy!" But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time.
KimWe get high.
RachelOh, me too.
KimI'm kidding.
Rachel(Laughs) Oh, me-me too. Ben and Joey's callback. RossOh God, this is so nerve-wracking! How, how do you do this?
JoeyWell, fortunately, I don't get many callbacks, so...
CarolIs it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?
JoeyWho knows?
The Casting Director(entering) Ok, uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.
RossYes! I knew it! (To the people who didn't make it.) Bye-bye! So long! Later!
CarolI'm not married to him anymore! He's my ex-husband! I'm totally gay! (Ross mouths something to her.)
JoeyOh this is great! I might actually get to play Ben's dad!
The Casting DirectorActually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So, it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)
JoeyMan, this's gonna be kinda weird.
RossYeah, it is.
KyleYeah. It's gonna be weird.
RossNo, we-we're like best friends, that's, that's why it's weird.
KyleOh, oh, I, I thought we were just, talking. Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are talking. ChandlerHey Ross, if Ben gets the commercial, do you think you can get me some free soup?
RossChandler, a can of soup is like 60 cents.
JoeyYeah, ok, but I have been supporting a 29-year-old Italian for five years.
Phoebe(entering, carrying two garbage bags) Hey!
Ross and ChandlerHi!
PhoebeIs it ok, if I leave this stuff here 'til Rachel's birthday party?
ChandlerAh sure. What's in 'em?
PhoebeUmm, cups.
ChandlerOh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.
RossSeriously that's a lot of cups.
PhoebeYeah well, that's 'cause I'm in charge of cups and ice, and Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice.
ChandlerYou know I rued the day once... didn't get a whole lot else done.
PhoebeOk, time to bring up the rest of the cups. (She goes and opens the door to Joey.) Oh, hi Joey!
JoeyHey Pheebs! (To the guys) Hey!
JoeyRoss, good, I'm uh glad you're here. I wanna talk to you about something.
RossWhat's up?
JoeyWell, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, you know me going up against Ben, the two of us, competing, well that can't lead to anything good. So, I think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.
RossWow, uh, Joey that's-that's great. Thanks man.
JoeyThat's it? You're-you're gonna let me do this?! This-this is my career we're talking about here!
RossWell, you just...
JoeyI just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it! Look, Ross, if anyone should step aside, it should be Ben!
JoeyWhat? Chandler! Tell him!
Chandler(shocked) Well I mean, let me get the door first. (Goes and opens the door.) Oh, hi! No one. (Exits.)
RossWhy should Ben step aside? It was his audition in the first place! You-you just tagged along! You're like the uh, tag-along dad.
JoeyAt least I care about his feelings!
RossWh-y, what?!
JoeyDo you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn't get it?
RossAnd why wouldn't he get it?
JoeyOh, come on! Have you seen what my kid can do?! Huh?! I mean he dials phones! He-he-he eats tortilla chips! He-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!
RossAre you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid?
JoeyYou just give him a spoon baby!
RossOh yeah? I guess we'll see!
JoeyYeah! Because this commercial belongs to me, and Mitch!
RossYou're kid's name is Raymond!
JoeyYeah?! So's yours! Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there as Rachel enters. Monica(To Rachel) How did work go?
RachelOh it was great! It was great! I went down there just like you said, you know? And we talked business. And Kim totally took my opinions.
MonicaYou stink!
MonicaNo, I'm-I'm serious!
RachelWell-well that's just 'cause I went down there and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success.
ChandlerOk, there's something different though- Oh my God! You smoked!
RachelI did not!
ChandlerYes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked!
RachelAll right, fine! But I had to! I had to do it for my career!
ChandlerI wish I had smoked for my career...
MonicaThat's so gross!
RachelNo well, no it's not that bad, you know? It's, I mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I can throw up.
MonicaCan you hear yourself?
RachelI know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I-I-I'm not myself. I-I-I smoked like half a pack. I feel a little shaky and a little weird.
ChandlerOk, but you gotta push past this ok? Because it is about to get so good!
MonicaChandler! (to Rachel) Oh, I gotta tell you, you smell so smoky I-I-I gotta get up. I'm not kidding. (She stands and walks away. Chandler moves closer.)
ChandlerI think you smell great! (He sniffs her shoulder.) The smoker's balcony, Rachel, Kim, and Nancy are all puffing away on their cancer sticks. KimSo, we're decided, no on plaid, yes on pink?
RachelI am so on board! (She throws away her recently lit cigarette.)
KimRachel, didn't you just light that?
RachelYeah.. but, you know what? I'm just, I'm really, really trying to cut back, you know? (Laughs) Good luck, Rach.
NancyI've actually been thinking about quitting lately.
KimOh, sure, every Sunday night I'm telling myself I'm quitting every Monday morning it's like (Mimics chain smoking.)
NancyTell me about it!
RachelWell then let's just quit! We'll just quit! Let's all quit!
KimIt does sound appealing.
NancyI never could do it.
RachelOh but you could. You can. Absolutely! We can help each other out! You know, we can get- one of those patches! We could be like the Patch Sisters!
KimOh you know, we really should quit. Ok, let's quit!
RachelYes! Great! Give me those cigs! Come on! Give it! Give it! (She grabs their cigarettes and lighters and throws them in the trash.)
KimMy late husband gave me that lighter. (Rachel laughs.) I'm not kidding.
RachelOk then! (She starts rummaging through the trash to find Kim's lighter.) Joey and Ben's audition, Joey is rehearsing his lines, uh correction, Joey is rehearsing his line. JoeyHmmm, soup! (Tries again.) Hmm soup! (Tries again, with a little caveman thrown in.) Hmm, soup!
CarolJoey, Ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching Ben for me while I use the ladies' room?
JoeyYeah-oh yeah, no problem.
CarolThanks. (Exits.)
JoeyHmm soup. (goes over to Ben) Hi Ben! So you wanna be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability. I mean one day you're Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle. It's a tough life. I mean, sure, you can get up whenever you want, watch TV all day... meet tons of woman in acting class (smiles). (thinks about it) Oh, who am I kidding. I can't talk you out of this. It's a great life!
Ross(entering, angrily) Joey!
Joey(angrily) Ross!
Ross(angrily) Ben! (Pause.) (Happily.) I mean, Ben! Ben!
The Casting Director(entering) Ok, Raymond, Joey you're up.
(Raymond and Joey go in the office.)
The Casting DirectorOk. So here's what (looks at Joey)... are-are you sure that I haven't seen you somewhere before?
JoeyNo, I haven't been in any plays.
The Casting DirectorAll right, well, let's umm, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)
The Casting DirectorIs there a problem?
JoeyWell this is noodle soup and uh, I've been working with tomato. But that's ok, no problem. No problem. Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting DirectorYou know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup."
JoeyOh, what did I say?
The Casting DirectorHmm, noodle soup.
JoeyHow's that different? (She looks at him until he gets it.) Oh! Right! Yeah!
The Casting DirectorAll right, let's try one.
(Raymond and Joey both eat a spoonful and Joey turns to Raymond and says...)
JoeyHmm, noodle soup.
The Casting DirectorOk. Let's do it again.
(They do it again.)
JoeyHmm, soup. (Pause.) I mean, noodle soup. I mean soup!
RaymondCOME ON!!
The Casting DirectorYou-you know what? We need to move on.
JoeyOh! No! I-I can do it one more time! I- See? Look! (Eats another spoonful) Hmm, noodle soup. Damn it! (Storms out.) Rachel's job. Rachel is there with Kim and Nancy discussing something. RachelSo I think that if we get these samples into the magazine by Monday, we'll gonna be fine.
KimSounds good.
KimSo, Rach, how're you doing?
RachelI'm great!
KimNo, with the not-smoking thing.
RachelOh... well... kill... me now. Let me tell you something, I ate 40 Mallomars today. I mean, I have- I have patches all over my body, you know? I mean, I haven't slept in two days.
KimWe quit yesterday.
Rachel(quickly thinks) That's counting today. (picking up a folder) But anyway, so these samples, I think, that, like I was saying....
Nancy(interrupting) Oh my god. Oh I'm so sorry, I forgot I... I have to go the mailroom and mail some proofs.
KimGo ahead. Rachel and I will just sit here and keep brainstorming.
(Nancy leaves.)
RachelUmm, also Vogue called. And they were wondering if you were...
Kim(interrupts) You know what you know what? I'm a little hungry. I'm just gonna run down to the vending machines.
RachelOh, all right. (Kim leaves.) (looking through the papers) A...ahhh...(realizes something about Nancy and Kim) The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are cheating and are caught by Rachel. RachelHeeeey!
KimUh-oh, busted!
RachelCome on, you guys! What are you doing?! I thought we were the patch sisters!
KimYeah. That didn't work out.
RachelWell, but wait a minute, what about all we've talked about? That you know, the disgusting place, the ugly people! (looks at some guy) Hey how you doing? (grabs his arm but he sarcastically nods and smiles)
NancyRachel, we tried to quit, but it was too hard!
RachelWell, you know if you, if you started smoking again you could've at least told me! Come on, give me one of those! What're we talking about?
KimNo. No! You're doing great! Don't you give up! That's why we didn't tell you and we're not gonna drag you down with us.
RachelOh wait, no-no-no! Drag me down. Drag-drag me down.
KimForget it Rachel! We're both so proud of how well you're doing. I'm not gonna let you blow it. In fact, if I catch you with a cigarette, you're fired. So go on, get out of here! Go on, I don't want you breathing this stuff! Go on!
RachelAll right. (Starts to walk away.)
Kim(to Nancy) So, ok! So you'll come with me on the Paris trip.
Rachel(hearing that) Oh man! Monica and Rachel's, Rachel's surprise party. The apartment is festooned with cups. There are cups everywhere! Cup centerpiece, cup garland, etc., etc Phoebe(To Chandler) Hey, Check it out! Um, cup hat! (Points to her hat.) Cup banner! Cup chandelier! And the thing that started it all, the cup! (Holds up one.)
ChandlerGreat job with the cups, Pheebs!
Monica(overhearing that) Why don't you just go out with her!
(Chandler starts to follow her into the kitchen.)
Phoebe(following him) And did you notice the ice? (Gestures to 3 huge buckets of ice on the table.) Look! We have it all! We have crushed! Cubed! And dry! Watch! (Pours some water onto the dry ice, causing it to evaporate/smoke.) Ahhh! Mystical!
MonicaChandler! Everyone, no one's eating my Tuscan finger food 'cause they're all filling up on Phoebe's snow cones!
ChandlerThere are snow cones?! (Monica glares at him.) Snow cones! Yuck!
MonicaYou know...go! Go! Right there! (Points)
ChandlerThank you! Thank you! (Runs to the snow cone machine.)
MonicaYou really did do a nice job.
PhoebeThank you...for stating the obvious.
MonicaI deserve that. I just want you to know that, umm, if we ever co-host a party together again, you can do whatever you want.
PhoebeYou know, Joey's got a birthday coming up.
MonicaReally? What do you wanna do?
PhoebeUmm, ok, I'd like to be in charge of beer.
MonicaWell, then there's nothing left for me! (Phoebe motions "Oh well.")
(Rachel enters.)
Phoebe(noticing her) Oh, look! Look! Look!
RachelWhat?! What- My birthday's not for another month!
MonicaThat's the surprise!
RachelOh my God! You guys, this is so great! It's so unexpected! I mean Chandler's birthday is even before mine!
(Everyone stops and looks at Chandler, who's nodding.)
RachelWow! This is so great! Look at all these, cups! This is so weird.
PhoebeI was in charge of cups.
RachelOh, ok, not so weird.
[Cut to another part of the room, Monica catches Chandler being sneaky about something.]
MonicaChandler, what're you doing?
MonicaWhat's in your hand?
ChandlerMoney. I'm stealing all the money.
Chandler(puts down Rachel's purse as he is holding a pack of cigarettes from them) But just one, ok? Because nobody knows when my birthday is.
MonicaLet me make this clear to you ok? It's either that (points to the cigarettes) or this (points to her.)
(Chandler decides slowly to give up the cigarettes and hugs Monica.)
ChandlerThey were menthol. (They stop hugging and Monica hits him slightly on the shoulder.)
[Cut to another part of the room, Ross is going to talk to Joey.]
RossListen man, uh, I'm sorry the audition didn't go well.
JoeyYeah right! (Gets up for a refill to his snow cone.)
RossNo really, I, I am! I feel bad!
JoeyYeah? Well look, Ross, you don't have to. Ok? It's not your fault I suck. You know I mean what kind of an actor can't even say, "Hmm, noodle soup." (Nods his head in disgust.)
RossHey you know what? Maybe-maybe you didn't mess up your audition because you suck, maybe you messed up because you care more about uh, your godson.
JoeyWhat do you mean?
RossI think, subconsciously...
JoeyWait-whoa-whoa, you lost me.
Ross(pause) I think, on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so Ben would get the part.
JoeyWell, your way sounds a lot better than mine. (Thinks about it.) Yeah. Yeah! It's not that I'm a bad actor...
JoeyNo, it's just ah, I care so damn much about little Ben, that uh, it was more important for me to see him succeed.
RossThere you go. Thank you!
JoeyThank you! So, did-did he get it?
JoeyEh, what are you gonna do? The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are out smoking as Chandler sticks his head out the door. Chandler(to Kim and Nancy) Oh, hi! Excuse me, is uh Rachel Green here? I was supposed to meet her for lunch.
KimOh, she doesn't come down here anymore. You can find her up on ten.
ChandlerOk, great.
(Kim exhales and Chandler stares at it longingly.)
Kim(to Nancy) So, we talked about the (Chandler sneaks closer to her cigarette) whole presentation yesterday at lunch (Closer) and he wondered if one person would be, enough (Closer) made him take on the trip (Still closer) and I said, "Yeah, absolutely!" (She's interrupted by Chandler who has reached his goal and takes a drag from her cancer stick.)
ChandlerI'll catch you guys later. (Exits.)

Written by Michael Curtis; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp