Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready for a date with Monica as Ross enters. RossHey!
RossWow! You look nice. What's the occasion?
ChandlerMonica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, got reservations at Jean Georges.
RossWow! How'd you get in there?
ChandlerUh, made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert.
(There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.)
Delivery GirlHi, Chandler!
ChandlerHey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut.
CaitlinUgh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy.
ChandlerYeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting.
CaitlinIt's uh, 27 dollars even.
ChandlerOh, ok. (Hands her the money.) Here you go.
(The duck starts quacking.)
CaitlinHey, where's the chicken?
ChandlerOh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first.
Caitlin(laughs) Thanks. I'll see you later!
ChandlerOk, bye!
(He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.)
RossWhat the hell was that?!
RossThe flirting! Aren't you supposed to be going out with um I don't know hmm let's say my sister?!
ChandlerI was not flirting.
RossWh-, it was totally flirting. "Somebody got a haircut (Makes some whiney, nasal noises.)"
ChandlerOk first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all.
RossOh, yeah, right.
ChandlerYou wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.)
Ross(backing away) I'm good, I'm good. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen. RachelI am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's gonna be on Law & Order!
PhoebeI know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law?
RachelOh, no, because first they arrest the guy and then they try him.
PhoebeDon't get me started on that.
(Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.)
ChandlerI was not flirting.
RossAnd on your anniversary, for shame!
RachelWhat's going on?
RossChandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!
ChandlerI was not and oh God, shh!
RossWell I'm sorry but you were! Ok? And besides, if anyone should be hitting on her, it, it's the guy who's single, Ok? the guy who, who-who can do something about it.
PhoebeSounds like someone wants to be Mr. Pizza Delivery Girl.
ChandlerIs that what this is about? You like Caitlin?
(Ross looks at Rachel.)
RachelRo-ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then. I think it's ok that we see other people.
RossWell, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place.
RossAnd she was just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little...
RachelOk, you know what? We don't need her measurements.
Phoebe(looking through the pizzas) Ok pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!
RossThis is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, I will turn on the charm, oh Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat.
PhoebeSee? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.
Joey(entering, with his grandmother) Hey everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother!
RachelBig night!
PhoebeYeah it's so cool!
ChandlerSo, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud!
JoeyChandler, she doesn't understand a word of English.
ChandlerI'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I've done it again.
JoeyNo-nonnie, Nonnie's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family who's always believed me. (To his grandmother in Italian.) si Nonnie, Sono il numero uno?
Joey's Grandmothersi, Big star. My big fat Joey star. (grabs his stomach)
JoeyYeah, I uh weighed like 27 pounds when I was born so...
Monica(entering from the bathroom) Hey! Happy Anniversary!
ChandlerHappy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)
MonicaUmmm. So umm, when I was in the shower, I was thinking about our first night in London...
ChandlerOh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points)
MonicaIs that the one who speaks English or the one who doesn't?
ChandlerNo, that one doesn't.
MonicaThat was some hot love you gave me! I'm gonna go get ready.
ChandlerHey, why don't you wear those earrings I got you tonight?
MonicaOh, that's a great idea! I was saving them for something special.
Monica(runs over to Phoebe) You've got to go home!
PhoebeBut I like it here!
MonicaYou gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me ok? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.
PhoebeOk, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll look for 'em.
PhoebeOk! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi, I need those earrings you borrowed.
RachelOh, umm, ok, yeah, I'll be, I'll be right back. (Goes to her room.)
(Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcized and returns to speaking in English. Of course, to most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on...)
PhoebeScusi signora, vuole bere qualche cosa?
GrandmaNiente, grazie.
PhoebeLei è molto bellina!
JoeyWow Pheebs, you speak Italian?
PhoebeI guess so. (See, the brief possession didn't affect her at all, like we could really tell.)
Rachel(She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you!
PhoebeWait, Rach! Where's the other one?
RachelOh what, you-you want both of them? It is a little greedy don't you think?
PhoebeRachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?!
RachelOk, ok, ok, look, just don't freak out, but I kind of lost it. Oh! I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it.
PhoebeWell, what am I gonna tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight!
RachelI don't know, tell her to wear her own earrings.
PhoebeThese are her earrings.
RachelNooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff!
PhoebeWhy not?
RachelBecause I lose her stuff!
[Time Lapse, the gang is now watching Law & Order. By the way, the entire rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? Something to think about.]
JoeyOk, now you see that blind guy right there? I'm gonna bash his head in later.
(His grandmother asks him something.) (Dove è Joey? Dove è Joey?)
JoeyOh umm, my big scene's coming up. Big scene coming up.
ChandlerIf you said, "Big Lima bean, bubbling up." Would she understand the difference?
Monica(noticing Rachel crawling behind the couch) Rach? What're you doing?
RachelOh I, I just can't watch. It's too scary!
MonicaIt's a diaper commercial.
RachelOh, yeah, well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!!
(There's a knock on the door.)
CaitlinPizza delivery!
RossI'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over.) (to everyone) Uh, how's my hair look?
MonicaRoss, it hasn't moved since 1996. (Ross mocks her.)
(Ross opens the door.)
CaitlinOne vegetarian pizza. It's $12.50.
RossOh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys.
RossI mean, (some noises) no-no, the uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought that your hair looked like an 8-year-old's, and I'm, I'm just saying I like it. The hair.
CaitlinOh. Thanks.
RossYou understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.
CaitlinYou know, all I'm looking for is the money.
ChandlerHere you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you.
CaitlinI'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.)
ChandlerYou're welcome.
RossYou couldn't let me have her, could you?!
RossThis is a girl I really like and you, you had to swoop in there!
MonicaWhat's going on?
RossChandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl!
ChandlerThank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting.
MonicaIt's ok. I don't care. It's uh, it's fine.
MonicaNo big deal, I do it all the time.
Chandler(starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you, you flirt with guys all the time?
MonicaSure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like I know it doesn't mean anything with you!
ChandlerOk, but there is a big difference all right? You are a lot hotter than that I am.
Joey(walking past) True story! (Goes and sits down.)
MonicaChandler, this actually bothers you?
ChandlerYes, it does bother me! I think it'd bother a lot of people. Rachel, when uh, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?
RachelUhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women.
RossAnd thank you, for that.
RachelBut you know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing.
RossWhat? (Mumbles) What-what, what're talking about? It-it worked with you.
RachelOh! You know what? No, you're right! We met, you flirted and then bam nine years later you had me!
RossAll right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm gonna do? I am gonna order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you-I will show how well I flirt. In fact, I will, I will, I will get her phone number!
RossAnd not the one on the menu!
Phoebe(entering from Rachel's bedroom) I found it!
RachelOhh! Thank God! Where was it?
PhoebeOn your dresser.
RachelOk, that is the one we already have!
JoeyOk, here's my big scene. My big scene's here! (They have two of the cops on the street, then they cut to where they're entering an apartment.) Oh my God.
Joey(smiling) Ok, everybody just keep smiling. It'll kill my grandmother if she finds out.
Chandler(smiling) Well, what is it?
Joey(smiling) Oh, they cut me out of the show.
Rachel(smiling) What?!
Ross(smiling) Are-are you sure?
Phoebe(smiling) Maybe your scene's coming up?
Joey(smiling) Not likely. 'Cause you see that body bag right there?
Rachel(smiling) Yeah.
Joey(smiling) I'm in it.
Phoebe(smiling) This is terrible, what are you gonna do?
Joey(smiling) I don't know. Well this little old lady lives for my career. When they dumped me off of Days of Our Lives she almost died.
Phoebe(not smiling) That's not good.
Joey(smiling) Yeah we had to get her a home nurse.
Phoebe(not smiling) Oh, my God.
Joey(smiling) Yeah, she almost died and got really expansive. You're not smiling. Not that face, smile! Everybody smile! (They all smile.)
Rachel(smiling) Joey, why don't you just tell her what happened? I mean it's not your fault.
Chandler(smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon?
Grandma Tribbiani(Something in Italian to Joey.) (Quando è la tua scena *?)
JoeyOh-uh, soon, soon, I'm gonna be on soon. I- There I am! (Points to the screen, of course it isn't him.)
Grandma Tribbiani(pointing at the screen) No! Sam Waterston!
JoeyNo-no, no, that-that's me, that's me.
Grandma TribbianiNo, it's Sam Waterston! Crimes and Misdemeanors, Capricorn One.
ChandlerDoesn't know "Hello." But she knows Capricorn One.
(Phoebe gets up.)
Monica(following her) Phoebe! I have to have those earrings, we'll leave as soon as the show is over.
PhoebeBut I already gave them back to you!
MonicaNo, you didn't.
PhoebeAll right, I already didn't give them back to you, that's what I said. (Walks away over to Rachel.) Rachle, where's that other earring?
RachelIt's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler's last night! Ok! (Goes to the door.)
PhoebeMake sure you check Chandler's jewelry box.
RachelWait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box?
PhoebeOk, we have like ten minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?!
(Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler's and Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.)
Ross(To Phoebe) Hey Pheebs! How's that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for ya? Huh? You and those vegetables have a real uh thing going on, huh?
Phoebe(she just looks at him) Why are you being weird?
RossDo you like it?
PhoebeNo, that would be, "Why are you being cute?"
RossOk, I'm working on my flirting.
PhoebeOhh! I did not get that.
[Cut to Chandler and Monica on the couch.]
ChandlerSo uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order?
MonicaYeah, it's good.
ChandlerSee, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!
MonicaChandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which they do.) Ok, let me get this straight, it's ok for you to flirt, but not for me.
ChandlerOh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, but some things are different for men and for women.
MonicaAll right. Go on, teach me something about men and women.
ChandlerOk, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy, you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!"
MonicaNo way!
ChandlerIt's true.
MonicaWell that's pathetic!
ChandlerAgain true.
MonicaAnd this goes for all guys?
ChandlerAll guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and all guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.
Joey(To Ross in the kitchen) All right, it's another commercial; I still haven't told her!
RossJoey! This is like the last commercial. What- You got like (checks his watch) ten minutes left!
JoeyI know, I know! What am I gonna do? (Thinks) Ooh!
MonicaNo! You are not gonna run out and leave her here!
Joey(dejected) Yeah, all right. (Thinks of something.) Ooh! (He quickly runs out before anyone can stop him.)
Grandma TribbianiJoey!
ChandlerUh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small.
[Time lapse, Rachel is coming back from Chandler and Joey's.]
Rachel(entering) (To Phoebe) (whispering) Hey!
PhoebeDid you find it?
RachelThe earring? No. But look, I found my sunglasses under the couch! I've been looking for these since like last summer. (Puts them on.)
PhoebeOk, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me.
RachelOk, calm down, here they are. (Gives back the sunglasses.)
Monica(entering from her room) Phoebe! (Motions for the earrings. Phoebe gives her the one-minute sign.)
Phoebe(To Rachel) What we do?!
RachelI don't know, I don't know.
PhoebeAll right well, we're just gonna have to tell Monica, that's all.
RachelOh gosh, she's gonna kill me.
PhoebeI suppose I could tell her it was just all my fault.
RachelOhh that'd be great!
PhoebeMon, can I talk to you for a sec?
MonicaYeah, what is it?
PhoebeUmm, I lost one of your earrings. I'm sorry! I am so, so sorry!
Monica(shocked) Wow! All right, well, I mean, what can you do? If you lost it, you lost it.
PhoebeI will replace it, I promise. I feel so terrible.
MonicaAll right, sweetie that's fine. You didn't do it on purpose.
MonicaLook at you! Come here! (They hug.) Better?
PhoebeYeah! You're the best!
RachelOk, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-I, I can't do this. Listen, honey, this is, it's not Phoebe's fault. She lent me the earrings, I lost it. I'm so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. (Holds out her arms for a hug.)
Monica(angrily) That is exactly why I do not lend you stuff!! (Rachel looks over at Phoebe in resignation.) Ok?! I mean, first it's my jewelry! And if it's not my jewelry, it's-it's my blue sweater! And if it's not my blue sweater, it's my sunglasses!
RachelYour sunglasses?!
PhoebeOh, right! (Hands Monica back her sunglasses.)
Caitlin(from outside) Pizza!
Ross(running to the door) Oh, mine! Mine! Mine! (to everyone) Ok, here goes. Prepare yourselves for some Class A flirting.
ChandlerOk, hold on. (Pauses as he readies himself.) Ok. (Walks away.)
RachelHoney, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don't think flirting is the right thing to... (Ross interrupts and shushes her.)
RossYou'll see. Ok. (Readies himself.) Oh, what's-what's her name?
Grandma TribbianiCaitlin!
Ross(He opens the door while faking a laugh.) Hey! Oh, we-we can't keep eating like this. (Monica turns her head in shame.)
CaitlinHuh, it's uh, $12.50.
RossOk, (gets the money) um, so, do you make the pizzas in one of those uh, wood-burning ovens?
CaitlinNo, actually umm, I think that they're umm, gas.
RossGas? Wow! Intense.
Chandler(To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem.
Ross(to Caitlin) Hey, uh, you know that smell gas has?
Caitlin(wanting more than anything to get the money and leave this horrible, horrible place) Yeah.
RossThey put that in.
RossThe gas is odorless, but they add the smell so you know when there's a leak.
Caitlin(getting more desperate to leave) Well ok!
RossA lot of other gas smells...
ChandlerOh the humanity.
RossMeth-methane smells...
CaitlinYou know what, umm, actually I, I really, I should go.
RossOh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet!
CaitlinYou know what? That's ok, you guys've ordered so many that this one is on me! (Runs for her life.)
(Ross closes the door slowly.)
Ross(To All) Was I talking to her about gas?
ChandlerMore so than anything else.
PhoebeI-I-I found it interesting.
RachelI'm sorry.
RossLook, no-no, hey, hey, can you believe, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will be right there. (Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.)
RachelOk, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. (She grabs a couple of the old pizza boxes and exits.)
Phoebe(walking over to Ross) Ross?
PhoebeWhat else do they add smell too? The street outside the building, Rachel is running to catch up with Caitlin. RachelHey! Hey! (Stops Caitlin) Hi! Hey-hey-hey, I'm Rachel! From upstairs? People with all the pizza?
CaitlinOh, is there a problem?
RachelNo. no, no. Every thing's- they're fine. Great pizza. But it's uh, actually umm my friend Ross. He uh, he just gets really nervous when he's flirting.
CaitlinOh my God! That was flirting?!
RachelI know, I know, but uh just, I'm telling you, once, once you get past that part, that where it-it just feels like you wanna die, uh he's-he's really a good person.
CaitlinThe guy with the gas?!
RachelYeah. I'm-I'm telling you he's really sweet and he's really funny and he's just ugh, just got a good heart.
CaitlinYou know, actually, I did think that he was cute and then he started talking.
RachelSee, there-there you go. And, besides, I- you know, I think he really likes you.
RachelWell you know, we have 7 people and like 10 pizzas, what do you think?
CaitlinI- you should- I thought Joey was there.
RachelYeah.. no.. but just I'm telling you he's worth a shot.
CaitlinWell, if he's so great why don't you go out with him? (Rachel thinks about that for a few seconds.)
RachelHmm. Well, you know, at some point, uh, you and I may need to have a longer conversation. Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey's grandmother are still watching Law & Order. Rachel(entering) Hey Ross? Umm, I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway and-and uh, you must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought.
RossWhat do you mean?
RachelWell, I don't get it, but she wanted me to give you her phone number. (Hands him the slip of paper with the phone number on it.)
RossAnd she just gave you this?
RossRach, thanks, but uh, I don't need you doing me any favors.
RachelI-I-I didn't! I didn't! She thought you were cute.
RossWell that I can believe.
Joey(entering) Hey! Is the show still on?
ChandlerAlmost over man.
JoeyHey Nonnie. Oh! Oh! (Pointing out the window.) Is that the Pope?! (Chandler and his grandma turn to look and Joey slips a tape into the VCR.)
ChandlerWhy am I looking?
JoeyOh, Nonnie, here I am, look, this's my big scene!
(Joey has made a little home movie that's his big scene. He braces himself against the door to his apartment and while holding a plastic gun and wearing the same sweater says...)
Joey(on the tape) All right back off! I got a gun! I'm not afraid to use it!
Grandma TribbianiOh Joey!
JoeyThat's right, Nonnie!
ChandlerYou couldn't 've at least changed your shirt.
Joey(on the tape) Now, I want a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars. (The duck quacks, to the duck) Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! (To the imaginary cops) Filled with $100,000 in small bills, and if I don't get it...(the duck quacks louder) Shoo!! And if I don't get it, (pause, picks up the duck) I'm gonna shoot this duck!
PhoebeOh no!
Joey(on the tape) I'm coming out! (He opens the door and hops out pointing the gun in all directions and then runs out of view.)
Ross(To Phoebe) And she's supposed to buy this?!
Grandma TribbianiJoey, bravo! (Starts with that Italian stuff again.)
(Suddenly, the tape cuts away from Joey's impromptu scene, to Chandler standing really, really close to the camera.)
Chandler(singing) Ground control to Major Tom! Commencing countdown... engines... on!
(Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.)
Joey(to his grandmother) That's uh, scenes from next week's show. Next week's!
PhoebeI am definitely gonna watch that! Monica and Rachel's, another time lapse, Monica is seeking advice from Rachel and Phoebe about possible replacement earrings. MonicaWhat about these? These look the same?
MonicaNot as each other!
PhoebeOh, then no.
(Goes over to Chandler.)
Chandler(To Monica) Hey!
ChandlerYou ready?
ChandlerYou look amazing. I'm the luckiest man in the world.
MonicaOhh, you're about to get a little luckier.
ChandlerLet me see the earrings.
MonicaOh, honey, the earrings...
Chandler(looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?
MonicaMy boyfriend really does have some great tastes.
(He turns to get his coat and Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe two thumbs up as Chandler walks over to Ross.)
Chandler(To Ross) Thanks for picking out the earrings man.
{Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on! "Space Oddity" is a song written and performed by David Bowie and released as a music single in 1969. [Wiki | Lyrics]}

Written by Doty Abrams; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp