{A ride-along is an arrangement for a civilian to spend a shift in the passenger seat of a police car, observing the work day of a police officer, firefighter, or paramedic. [Wiki]} Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Joey, and Monica are sitting on the couch as Ross is up getting some coffee. MonicaOk, guys, listen, don't forget that tomorrow is the day that Emily gets married again, so whatever we do, just try to really keep Ross's mind off it ok.
JoeyOh, yeah, good idea.
(Ross returns.)
ChandlerHey man, what's up?
Ross(sits down at the table) Oh, eh, just thinking about Emily getting married tomorrow. (Joey panics.)
JoeyOoh, Ross, look! Look! (Points behind Ross.)
Ross(turning and looking) What? Where?
JoeyRight over there! Right there! Look-look-look!
RossWhat am I looking at?
Joey(to the rest of the gang) Somebody help me out here!
Phoebe(entering, with Gary) Hey!
GaryHow are you?
PhoebeMonica, sorry I didn't come by last night. I was out with Gary; he let me ride around with him in his cop car. We saw and prevented crimes.
JoeyYou got to go on a ride-along?!
JoeyWh- I wanna go on a ride-along!
RossYeah me too!
ChandlerYeah, yeah! Me too!
GaryReally?! You?
GaryWell, it's kinda dangerous.
ChandlerWell, I like danger.
GaryOk, you guys free tonight?
Joey and RossYeah!!
ChandlerTonight? You-you didn't say it was gonna be at nighttime. Monica and Rachel's, Monica is kneeling at the coffee table and has a bunch of pictures laid out in front of her as Rachel enters. RachelHey!
MonicaHey! Oh, I'm so glad you're home, I thought tonight we could finally organize these photos!
RachelOhh, thank God! Finally!
MonicaOk, I've broken them down into categories. Ok, we have uh, we got holidays, birthdays, candids, you know... And then what I've done is I've cross-referenced them by subject. Right? So if you're looking up, oh let's say birthdays and dogs, you get Photo 152. See? (Hands her the photo.)
RachelOhh, it's me and Le Poo! Wow! I miss that dog.
MonicaAw. We could also find him under umm, dog and dead.
RachelGreat! Thanks!
MonicaOk. All right, hand me that other box of photos; that's the very last one.
(She picks up the box and the bottom falls out, spilling all of the pictures onto Monica's neat little piles.)
RachelOops. Sorry! Well, good thing you numbered all of 'em, huh?
MonicaI hadn't! Photo 152 was a prototype.
RachelOhhhh. Honey, honey, honey, it's ok, it's ok honey. How about I fix you a drink, huh? Maybe a margarita?
MonicaRoss has the blender! Ugh, everything's just falling apart!
RachelNo, honey, it's ok! Listen, I'll go to Ross's and get the blender, you get all the margarita stuff ready.
MonicaAll right, his keys are in the drawer. You know what? I also need some cash.
RachelOk, you want me to stop at the ATM?
MonicaNo. While you're at Ross's if you see any lying around...
MonicaWhat?! I-I-I don't, I don't do that!
(Rachel slowly leaves the apartment.) Gary's cop car, Ross is in the front seat with Gary of course. Chandler is in the back seat. Ross(to Gary) That was so cool man, the way you leaned on that guy.
ChandlerIt is starting to get dark out there.
Ross(to Gary) He told you everything! I mean you totally cracked him!
GaryYeah well, being he was the victim, they're usually pretty talkative.
Chandler(laughing) Ok. (Deadpan) But it is officially nighttime.
(Gary reaches up to grab that little light that cops have for unmarked cop cars.)
RossOh hey, Gary, you want me to grab the berry for ya?
GaryIt's called the cherry.
RossIt's called- Chandler!!
(Chandler starts laughing at his joke.)
Joey(returning from a deli) Ok, I got it! This place makes the best sandwich in the world!
GaryHey Joe, does it have meatballs on it?
GaryDoes it have melted cheese and marinara sauce?
GaryYeah, you can't eat that in my car.
Joey(dejected) Yeah ok. (To Chandler) Even though my tax dollars paid for this car.
ChandlerYour tax dollars?
JoeyYeah, ok.
[Time lapse, they're still on the ride-along and Joey is just sniffing his sandwich.]
Chandler(leans in and takes a sniff of Joey's sandwich) Wow! That sandwich really does smell good.
JoeyDid I say you could smell it?!
ChandlerI can't smell your sandwich?
JoeyHalf the taste is in the smell! You-you're sucking up all the taste units!
ChandlerOk, I'll give them back. (Exhales strongly through his nose and Joey just glares at him.) Look! What is so great about that sandwich?
JoeyOk, imagine, the best sex you've ever had.
JoeyAre you thinking about Monica?
JoeyYeah, what's that like? Ross's apartment, Rachel is just entering. She takes off her coat and heads for the kitchen. As she does, she knocks something off a bookcase next to the kitchen door with her coat and it breaks. RachelOhh! Oh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and looks at the stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh, who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it and finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into it and heads into the kitchen as the phone rings.)
Monica(on the answering machine) Rach! It's me! Pick up!
(Rachel runs over and answers the phone with the blender in hand.)
RachelHey! What's up?
MonicaI need a few more things to make the margaritas. Um, I need some uh, some salt, some margarita mix, and tequila.
RachelOh, so all we have is ice?
MonicaSee if he has ice.
(She hangs up the phone and starts to head back to the kitchen and notices some money lying out, stops, reaches down to pick it up, the phone rings causing her to drop it, she quickly puts it back, and heads for the kitchen.)
Emily(on answering machine) Hello Ross? It's Emily here. (Rachel runs back into the room with the tequila.) I know this is out of the blue but uh, I'm getting married tomorrow. Well, maybe I am. I keep thinking about you and, I'm wondering if-if we made a mistake, giving up so fast. Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Ok, bye.
RachelOh. Oh! (Takes a slug of tequila.) The ride-along. RossSo where're we going next?
GaryThis witness won't return my calls so we're gonna see if we can surprise him coming home.
ChandlerSur-surprise him? We're not, we're not gonna make anybody mad are we?
JoeyCome on, man! (To Gary) Listen so uh, you're gonna squeeze the perp's shoes a little bit before he lawyer's up?
GaryIt's a witness not a perp and no one talks like that!
RossYeah, no one talks like that!
JoeyOh what? Like you're Mr. Cop!
RossHey, I'm more cop than you two!
ChandlerHow do you figure that?
RossHello! I'm in the front seat, ok? I'm Gary's partner!
ChandlerYou know, when you say partner it doesn't sound cop. It sounds gay.
RossUmm, jealous! (He drops the cherry and it turns on.)
GaryHey, do you mind? We're undercover here.
RossOh yeah, no problem. (Tries to turn it off.)
RossSorry! Sorry! Oh, (He sticks it under his shirt) there! (It's just there flashing through his shirt) Hey Gary, who am I? Phone home!
(Gary just glares at him.)
[Time lapse, Ross has been demoted to the back seat with Joey and Chandler. He's not too happy about it.]
ChandlerLook at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors.
JoeyYeah, what's up with that Serpico?
Ross(mocking Joey angrily) "What's up with that Serpico?" Ross's apartment, Rachel is playing Emily's message to Monica. Emily(on answering machine) Are you thinking about me? No, of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Ok, bye.
Monica(does Rachel's) Nooo!
Rachel(does Monica's) I know!
MonicaWell thank God you were here! I mean, we have to erase that!
RachelWh-what?! We can't do that!
MonicaWe have to! I mean what if Ross hears that, and he calls her back and then they get back together? Is that what you want? Ross back with that controlling, neurotic, crazy Emily? The Emily that wouldn't let him see you?
RachelNoo! Oh no! No! God no! He-he should not get back together with her. I mean I know that, you know that, even Ross knows that! But that still doesn't give us the right to erase his message!
MonicaI'm his sister, ok? And I love him! I don't wanna see him get hurt! Come on! Doesn't that give me the right to control him- help, him?
RachelI don't think he's the one who needs help.
(They both sit down.)
MonicaLook, she's obviously unstable, ok? I mean she's thinking about running out on her wedding day. (Rachel slowly turns and glares at her.) (Realizing what she just said.) Ok, fine! But let me- look at the position she's putting him in! And what's he gonna do? Like- Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage?! I mean, who would do that?! (Rachel again turns and glares at her in disgust.) Ok, fine, all right, but that's you know, that was different! Although it did involve a lot of the same people.
MonicaYou know what, this is obviously some twisted joke she's trying to play on him.
RachelOk, you are crazy! I'm sorry, but she sounded genuinely upset! I mean, listen! (She hits a button on the machine.)
Answering MachineYour messages have been erased.
MonicaWell, that worked out well. Margarita? The ride-along, they're all waiting outside of the witness's house and still in the car in the same places as before. ChandlerOk, you know, we-we're safe right? I mean nothing bad can go down!
GaryNo. But that reminds me, (handing back a clipboard) sign this.
RossWhat is it?
GaryIt's nothing, it just says that you can't sue the city if you scrape your knee or you know, get your head blown off.
Chandler(deadpan) Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that.
GaryOk, here he comes. What is he doing? What the hell is he doing?!
RossWhat? What? What? What is it?
JoeyIs-is everything ok?
ChandlerWhat's going on?
GaryOk, he sees us. Don't move. And don't look at him.
(They all turn and look away. Suddenly a loud bang sounds out and in slow motion Joey slowly throws his body over Ross. Gary is shocked at what he sees while Chandler is obviously hurt.)
GaryHey, it's ok. It was just a car backfire. (Joey slowly moves off Ross.) Hey, look at that! You tried to save your buddy. See that? You see what he did?
Joey(To Ross) You ok man?
RossUh-huh. Thanks Joey!
ChandlerUh, HELLO!!
JoeyHi. (to Ross) You all right? Ross's apartment, Monica has all the supplies she needs and is getting ready to leave. MonicaAll right, I guess we should go.
RachelNo, wait, wait.
MonicaOh yeah right! (She grabs the money and shoves into her pocket.)
RachelNo, Monica! Monica! We have to fix this!
MonicaThere's nothing we can do. You erased the message!
RachelYeah, but maybe I could call his machine and re-create, the message. All right, ok..umm..(impersonating Emily with the British accent) Hello, Ross, this is Rachel-Emily. (stops) God, what is it with those two names? (impersonating again) Umm, I just so wanted to say that I'm going to be getting married... to.. another.. British person. And I'm-m-m I'm having doubts and...scones... Oh God! (stops) I can't remember what she said.
MonicaYeah, that's the problem with this plan. All right Rachel, come on. You know what, eh the message is erased. There's nothing we can do all right. He's never gonna find out about it.
RachelYeah- Well- I-I could tell him about it.
MonicaLook, if you're gonna be totally rational about this, I can't argue with you! All right? Fine, if you wanna tell him, tell him. I just, I don't wanna be a part of it.
(The phone rings.)
RachelOh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message.
Ross(on the machine) Hey Ross! It's you! I just want you to remember this feeling. You are lucky to be alive! So live everyday to the fullest. Love yourself, ok? Ok. Oh, and-and also get stamps. Bye! (He hangs up.)
MonicaWow! Play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away!
RachelOh. Right? Central Perk, the guys are returning from the ride-along to find Phoebe already there. GaryHey, anybody wanna meet a hero?
Phoebe(excited) John Glenn is here?!
GaryNo, Joey!
PhoebeJoey's never been to outer space.
RossPheebs, we had the most incredible night! Ok, so, we're in the car...
GaryWait! Hold on! (He goes over to Phoebe and gives her a kiss.) (To Phoebe) Hi!
Gary(To Ross) Ok, go ahead.
RossOk, ok, so we're in the car. Right? And bang! A shot was fired. And Joey with no regard for his own safety throws himself on me!
PhoebeMy God, Joey!
Chandler(pouting) It was a car backfire!
RossYeah, but-but he didn't know that!
JoeyYeah, I didn't know that.
RossAnd it could've just as easily have been a bullet.
GaryHey Joe, you ever think about joining the force? We could use a guy like you.
ChandlerWho jumps at loud noises!
RossWow! I could've died tonight.
ChandlerYeah! If the car that backfired had run over you! You know what, I'm gonna go home before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life. (He gets up and starts for the door.)
RossI do have a newfound respect for life.
Chandler(returning) Oh my God! (Storms out.)
PhoebeRoss, I could've told you, you weren't gonna die today.
RossWhat? You know when I'm gonna die? (Phoebe pantomimes that she is keeping her mouth locked and throwing the key away.)
Gary(To Phoebe) Sweet you wanna get some dinner?
PhoebeSure! Yeah! (Gets up) Oh, you know what? If I heard a shot right now, I'd throw my body on you.
GaryOh yeah? Well maybe you and I should take a walk in a bad neighborhood.
GaryAll right.
Ross and JoeyBye!
(They leave as Ross stares in awe at Joey.)
JoeyCut it out Ross! I hate to have to save your life and kick your ass in the same day! Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is pacing as Joey enters. JoeyDude! How come you took off?
ChandlerOh, just go out for a walk, round the living room. Whatever...
JoeySomething wrong?
ChandlerNo. No I'm just tired. You know, from-from the walk.
ChandlerYou dove in front of Ross! Ross!
JoeyThat's what this is about! Oh my God, you hate Ross!
ChandlerNot hate Ross!
JoeyOf course you do! I saved him! You're mad at me! It all adds up! You want Ross out of the picture.
ChandlerWhat picture?
JoeyI don't know, but I don't like what I'm hearing!
ChandlerI'm very glad you saved Ross in the car backfire, but it could've been a bullet and you, you know, you didn't try to save me!
JoeyOhh, you're upset because you think I chose Ross over you! No! I... knew... you could take care of yourself. You know? I mean Ross, he needs help. He's not street like us!
ChandlerWhen it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line.
JoeyWell-no, not exactly! All right, look, I, I wasn't trying to save Ross. Ok? My sandwich was next to Ross. All right? I was, I-I was trying to save my sandwich.
ChandlerFrom a bullet!
JoeyI know it doesn't make much sense...
ChandlerMuch sense?!
JoeyLook Chandler, it was instinct! Ok? I just went for it!
ChandlerSo you risked your life, for a sandwich!
JoeyI know it sounds crazy, but Chandler, this, is, (Goes and picks up the sandwich) the greatest sandwich in the world!
ChandlerSo you didn't uh, choose Ross before me.
JoeyNo! I would never do that! You-you're like my brother!
JoeyYeah! In fact, to prove how much you mean to me, (He unwraps the sandwich and holds it out for Chandler) here.
ChandlerThanks. (He grabs the sandwich.)
JoeyNo, eh, oh-oi, easy, it's not a hot dog!
(Chandler takes a bite.)
JoeyHow good is that?
Chandler(with his mouthful) Oh-oi-ho, yeah!
ChandlerHm-hmm. (Goes to take another bite.)
JoeyOh-whoa-hey, dude, what're you doing?!
ChandlerI thought you were showing me how much I mean to you.
JoeyYeah. With a bite! (Takes back the sandwich.) Gee-e-e-eez! Ross's apartment, Rachel is trying to repair the thing she broke earlier, but gets interrupted by hearing Ross at the door. She panics and throws the thing into the kitchen. And runs to the couch as Ross enters. RachelHey! Hi!
RossRach, what uh, what're you doing here?
RachelHey! You know what? You are in our apartment all the time! Ok? This is, this is just a drop in the bucket mister!
RossYou know, it-it doesn't matter. The important thing, is that you're here. You're my friend, and you're here. Oh! (He goes over and hugs her.)
RachelHuh. Ok, just a little scared. What's going on Ross?
RossUh, the most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near death experience!
RachelWhat?! Wh-what happened?!
RossOk, ok, we were on the ride-along with Gary, right?
RossAnd somebody took a shot at me!
Rachel(gasps) Wow, really?!
RossNo, a car backfired, but (Rachel suddenly calms down) I thought somebody was taking a shot at me. And Rach, I... I survived! And I was filled with this-this great respect for life. You know? I-I wanna experience every moment. I wanna seize every opportunity. I-I am seeing everything so-so clearly now.
RachelBecause a car backfired?
Ross(stares at her briefly) Ok, why are you here?
RachelWell, I-I-I don't know how this fits into your whole "seizing" thing but um, Emily called you today.
RossYou talked to her?
RachelNo, she left a message. (He starts for the machine.) (Stopping him.) But it-it kinda got erased. I mean, there's some- (pause) something wrong with your machine.
RossWell, ok, what-what did she say?
RachelWell, uh, something about having second thoughts about the wedding and did you guys make a mistake breaking up and uh, she wants you to call her.
RachelNow, that-that was a good thing that I told you, right?
RossHuh? Yeah! Yes, of course!
RachelOk. Thank you! Thank you! Because- all right. I'm gonna go scoot tell Monica that I was right. Because you know what? She didn't want- not important. Point is, I was right. Your decision. Ok? I was right. (She starts for the door.) (Stops) Your decision.
RossRight. I guess, I guess I should call Emily.
RachelOk, no, that's not the right decision. That's not right, that's not, no Ross, come on! I mean, that woman made you miserable! Ok, Ross, I mean, do you really wanna get back into that?
RossOk, look, yesterday I wouldn't've even considered calling her back, but my ex-wife calls on the same day I have a near death experience. I mean, that-that's gotta mean something, right?
RachelUgh, Ross! That was not a near death experience! That was barely an experience!
RossYou weren't there! Ok, maybe this is something that I-I'm supposed to seize! You know?
RachelOk, you know what? Maybe, this is not about seizing stuff. Maybe this is about escaping stuff.
RachelOk I mean, look-look today. I mean you escaped (pause) (not believing it) death, you know? And maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting back together with Emily.
RossThat does make sense. Because I do wanna seize some opportunity, but I-I really don't wanna see or talk to her.
RachelWell, th-there you go!
RossYeah-ah. Yeah. Maybe today is just, close call day.
Rachel(laughing) Close call day.
RossHey, thanks Rach. (They hug.)
RachelOhh, honey no problem. Ok. (Gets up.)
RossOh wait-wait-wait! The message is blinking. Maybe you didn't erase it.
(Ross hits the playback button.)
Ross(on machine) "Hey Ross, it's you!" (Hits the stop button) Oh yeah, no that's-that's an old message, nobody needs to hear that.
RachelNo. (She heads for the door again.)
Ross(looking at the coffee table where his money was) Hey umm, was-was Monica here?
RossYeah, I want my money back.
Rachel(going out the door) Yeah, uh you-you probably need that for stamps, right?
(Ross is stunned.) Central Perk, everyone is there. RossHey Pheebs, has Gary ever been shot at for real?
PhoebeYes. Once. Yeah, a little. He kinda did it to himself. It's not really a good story.
RossI wonder how I'd react under fire, you know? And not backfire but-but heavy fire, like if I was in a war or something.
MonicaMan, I would be great in a war! I mean, I really, I think I would make a fantastic military leader. I mean I know I would make general before any of you guys.
ChandlerBefore or after you were shot by your own troops?
RossI know where Joey would be. He would be down in the foxhole protecting all of us.
ChandlerYes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.
JoeyYeah, hero sandwiches. (Points at Ross who points back.)
PhoebeWell you all know that I'm a pacifist so I'm not interested in war, in any way. (Gets up) But you know what? When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all. (Starts to leave.) (To Joey) Not you Joey.
(Joey gets all happy with himself, while the rest of the gang is less than enthused.)

Written by Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Seth Kurland; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp