Central Perk, Gary, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there. GaryI'm gonna get some more coffee to go (To Phoebe) do you want anything, baby doll?
PhoebeI'm fine, thanks.
Chandler(To Monica) Yeah, see, I can't pull off baby doll, can I?
MonicaNo. I think we learned that from the Sugar Lips incident. I'm gonna get some tea.
ChandlerOk.
(Monica leaves and Chandler moves to talk to Phoebe.)
ChandlerHow're you doing pumpkin?
PhoebeNope. (Chandler nods in agreement.)
[Cut to Gary and Monica at the counter.]
MonicaSo it looks like it's going really well for you two, huh?
GaryI know, really well. In fact, I'm gonna ask Phoebe to move in with me.
Monica(shocked) Oh my God!
GaryWhat do you, what do you think?
MonicaI think that is so great! When are you gonna ask her?
GaryTonight, but don't say anything. Ok?
MonicaI swear, I promise. I promise. My God, I'm so excited! All right, but listen, let me tell you, do not get her flowers. Ok? Because you know, she cries when they die, and there's the whole funeral...
Gary(To Phoebe) I'll see you after work sweetie. (Kisses her.)
PhoebeOk. Bye!
(Gary exits and Monica rejoins them.)
PhoebeSo, what movie should we see?
Monica(sitting down) Gary's gonna ask you to move in with him!
PhoebeWhat?! Really?!
MonicaHe just told me at the counter. He made me promise not to tell, but I couldn't hold it in any longer!
PhoebeI can't believe this!
Chandler(terrified) Right, because it's fast. Because, it's so fast. It's fast!
MonicaRelax! It's Phoebe! Not you!
ChandlerOh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! (Breathes a sigh of relief)
PhoebeNo, but it is fast. Isn't it?
MonicaOhhhh!
PhoebeNo, I like him a lot but I don't think I'm ready for this!
ChandlerSo, what're you gonna do?
PhoebeI don't know. I'll just handle it- I'll ask you to talk to him!
ChandlerMe?! Why me?
PhoebeBecause you are so afraid of commitment! You talk to him, make him scared like you! Make him a... man!
ChandlerWait I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, you know? Because I'm a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be.
MonicaThat is so sweet! (She kisses him and turns to add some sugar to her tea.)
Chandler(To Phoebe, behind Monica's back) Still terrified, I'll take care of it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he nods that he'll do it to Phoebe.) Monica and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are playing catch with a little foam globe. JoeyHey Ross, is uh, is Staten Island really an island?
RossUh-huh, that's why they call it Staten Island.
JoeyOhhh. I thought it was like Long Island.
Ross(he catches the ball and pauses, staring at Joey in disbelief) Also an island.
(The game resumes.)
JoeyHey, what time is it?
Ross(looks at his watch) 2:17.
JoeyWow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour?
RossAre you serious?!
JoeyYeah. I realized it a half hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause, I didn't wanna jinx it.
RossWow! We are pretty good at this! Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!
JoeyOh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, I think, my pants are a little loose!
Rachel(entering) Hey, you guys...
JoeyHey!
RachelUh, is-is Monica here?
Joey and RossNo.
RachelAll right, listen umm, I just bought something I'm not sure she's gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something I wanted since I was a little girl.
RossYou bought Shawn Cassidy!
RachelNoo! I wish! Ok, you ready?
Joey and RossYeah!
RachelOk! (She goes and gets her surprise and when she returns with it, Ross stares in shock.) Check it out!
(Joey turns and looks at quite possibly one of the ugliest pets that you can possibly buy on the planet. Rachel has bought herself a hairless cat. Yep, a hairless cat! Joey and Ross start to get sick.)
RossMy God! What-what is it?!
JoeyWhat-what the hell is that?!!
RachelIt's a, it's a cat!
JoeyThat, is not a cat! (I have to agree with Joey on this one.)
RachelYes it is!
RossWhy is it inside out?!
RachelExcuse me! But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat!
RossHow much did you pay for that?
RachelWell, it was a little extravagant, but I got a pretty good deal.
RossYeah? How much?
RachelA thousand bucks.
RossON A CAT??!!!!
JoeyIt's not a cat!
RossFor a thousand dollars, you'd think at least it'd come with hair.
JoeyOr-or something.
RachelAll right listen, ball boys! My grandmother had one of these when I was a little girl and it was the sweetest thing! I mean it was so cute, it would sit in my lap and just purr all day long, and I would drag a shoestring on the ground and he would chase it.
RossFree cats do that too, you know.
JoeyIt's not a cat!
RachelUgh! Look, you guys, I'm really excited about this! Ok? I don't care what you think! I'm gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. (They both glare at her.) Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?!
(Rachel goes into the bathroom as the guys continue throwing the ball.)
Ross(To Joey) Hey, you wanna get something to eat or uh, do you wanna see how long we can throw this ball back and forth? Eh?
JoeyUhh, the ball thing.
RossYeah?
JoeyHey! Ross, wouldn't it be great if we could go like two straight hours without dropping it?!
RossUhh, yeah it would! Let's do it!
JoeyOk!
(They throw the ball back and forth once.)
Joey(catches the ball) Uh-oh.
RossWhat?
JoeyI have to pee. And Rachel's in the bathroom!
[Cut to Chandler and Joey's, Ross is seen throwing the ball into the bathroom, presumably where Joey is currently using the facilities.]
JoeyMan, I didn't think we were gonna make it!
RossI know! (Looks at the ball in his hands.) Don't switch hands, ok? The 5th Precinct, Gary's precinct, Chandler has come to talk to him about commitment. And as he's walking through the door he notices a couple of "Ladies of the night" sitting there. (If you know what I mean.) ChandlerHey ladies! What are you in here for? (Laughs at his joke.)
GaryHey Chandler, what're you doing here?
ChandlerGary, I'm here to report a crime.
GaryYeah?
ChandlerIt is a crime you and I don't spend more time together.
Gary(laughs, then suddenly serious) What's up?
ChandlerUh well, I heard that you're thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Yo know, man to, well, me.
GarySure. Ok. (Motions for him to take a seat)
ChandlerUh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be you know, live-living together!
GaryYeah, I-I considered that. I just know it'd make me happy.
ChandlerYou mean scared.
GaryNo, I mean happy.
ChandlerScared happy?
GaryChandler, what-what're you doing?
ChandlerI am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don't you see, if you lived with Phoebe, she's always gonna be there. You're gonna get home, she's there. You go to bed, she's there. You wake up and oh yes, she's there!
GaryI know! I can't wait!
ChandlerWere your parents happy, or something?
GaryListen Chandler, the way I see it is I was lucky enough to find someone that I really love. I just- I wanna be around her as much as I can.
ChandlerWow, you know when-when you say it, it doesn't sound so scary.
GarySo you know what I'm talking about, right?
ChandlerYeah, I think I do! You know what? You move in with her! You move in with her right now! Maybe I should move in with Monica!
GaryNo, it's too soon for you guys.
Chandler(pause) Yeah, you're right about that. Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are still playing catch. Ross...now, when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?!
JoeyMaybe this should be more of a quiet game.
Monica(entering) Hey guys!
JoeyHi!
MonicaJoey, I left my watch on the counter last night. (Goes to the counter) It was right here, wh-where, where is it?
JoeyI don't know.
MonicaAll right, come on, I'm-I'm late for work!
RossHow do you know? You don't have a watch.
MonicaGuys, could you please just stop throwing the ball for one minute and just help me find it?!
JoeyOh, I don't know.... Yeah, can't do it.
(He throws it back to Ross, but it's intercepted by Monica and the guys both scream in horror.)
MonicaWhat?!
RossMonica, whatever you do, do not drop that ball!
JoeyYeah, we haven't dropped it in... (Looks to Ross.)
Ross2 hours, 27 minutes.
MonicaReally?!
[Time lapse, Monica has joined in and is calling to get out of work.]
Monica(on phone, faking she's sick) I'm-I'm not gonna be able to make it to work today, Um I don't feel very good. (Joey makes a high throw and Monica has to catch it way over her head.) (Not sounding sick) Yes! (Realizes what she just did.) (Sounding sick again) Wow! Uh, for a second there I thought I was feeling better, but I'm not. (Hangs up and keeps throwing the ball.)
(Rachel enters.)
RossHey Rach!
RachelHey.
RossCheck it out! Almost 3 hours without dropping it!
RachelOh, wow! Congratulations, that's quite a waste of time.
MonicaRach?
RachelYeah?
MonicaYou have scratches all over you, what happened? (Rachel's arms are covered with scratches.)
RachelWell, it's my cat.
Monica(shocked) What?!
RachelOh yeah, I got a cat.
MonicaI don't want a cat!
JoeyOh, don't worry, it's not a cat.
RossYeah.
RachelYou guys, this cat is nothing like my grandmother's cat. I mean, it's not sweet, it's not cute, I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear, I know this sounds crazy, but every time this cat hisses at me I know it's saying, "Rachel!"
RossDoesn't sound as crazy as paying a thousand dollars for a cat.
Monica(To Rachel) What- You paid a thousand dollars for a cat when you owe me 300!!
RachelWell, I-huh-I was gonna let you play with it. Central Perk, Phoebe is drinking coffee as Chandler enters. ChandlerHi!
PhoebeHmm, did you talk to Gary about the moving in thing?
ChandlerYes I did, and I think you should do it.
PhoebeWhat?!
ChandlerHe's a great guy, you know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady.
PhoebeYou are useless! Freaking out about commitment is the one thing you can do! The one thing! And you can't even do that right! God!
ChandlerSorry. (pause) If he'd ask me, I'd move in with him.
PhoebeOhh!! God! (Gary enters and she sees him) Ooh! (To Chandler) Get out of here, good for nothing.
GaryHey Chandler.
ChandlerHey Gar!
Gary(To Phoebe) Hey you sweetie. (Kisses her.) Hi, can I talk to you for a second?
PhoebeYeah! Ok. (They move to the couch.)
GaryYou look very pretty today.
PhoebeThanks! Ok. (They sit down.)
GaryHere's the thing.
PhoebeYeah?
GaryYou know I really want this relationship to move forward.
PhoebeUh-hmm.
GaryBecause if you're not moving forward, you know you're just moving backwards.
PhoebeNo that's not true. If you're not moving forward, you're just staying still. And staying still is good. Watch this. (She stays still for a brief second.)
GaryPhoebe?
PhoebeYeah?
GaryI want you to move in with me.
PhoebeThat is so sweet. But don't you think it's a little too soon? I mean there's so much that we don't know about each other.
Gary(disappointed) Oh. Oh-oh-ok, I get it.
PhoebeI just - I don't want us to jump into something you know, that we're not, ready for. You know.
Gary(disappointed more) Uh-huh.
PhoebeI really don't wanna mess up what we have. I'm just- I'm worried, it's gonna be a big mistake.
Gary(on the verge of tears) Yeah.
PhoebeWhich is why my answer is yes!
Gary(suddenly happy) Really?!
PhoebeUh-huh! (They hug.) I'm so...happy. (She's not happy.) Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, and Monica are still playing catch, with Chandler looking on. Joey throws the ball to Monica who catches it and whips it at Ross. Ross(catching the ball) Monica! Stop throwing it so hard! We're on the same team!
ChandlerFour hours? You guys 've been doing this four hours?
JoeyThat's right, baby.
ChandlerAll right, let me in. (He jumps off of the counter to join in the game.)
Monica(jumping in front of him) No-no! Don't do it! Don't!
ChandlerWhat?
MonicaHe's a dropper.
JoeyOh yeah, that's right!
ChandlerI'm not a dropper!
RossIt's really a uh-uh three person game, you know?
ChandlerIt's throwing and catching!
RossAll right. (He gently tosses the ball to Chandler who catches it.)
ChandlerOh! Oh! That's so hard. (Starts to juggle the ball, but loses control and almost drops it and hands it to Monica.)
(Rachel enters with the "cat" and the chick and the duck start to get riled up.)
JoeyDon't worry guys, it's not a cat!
MonicaOh my- Oh good God!
Rachel(she's wearing an oven mitt to protect her hand) I give up you guys, I don't know what I'm gonna do with this thing!
RossBaking it didn't help, huh?
MonicaSo, why don't you just take it back to where you got it?
RachelI tried! They won't take her back.
ChandlerMaybe that's because she's a minion of the Antichrist.
MonicaRach, why won't they take it back?
RachelWell, they said they would, but they would only give me store credit. I mean, what am I gonna do, get a thousand regular cats?
JoeyLook, you said it was a show cat. Why don't you show it, win some prize money?
RachelNo, those shows cost like a hundred bucks to enter and all you win are these ribbons which technically belong to the damn cat!
MonicaLook, if you want, you can keep it at our place until you find out what to do with it.
RachelNo Mon that's not the point. I'm out a thousand dollars, I'm all scratched up, and I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand! (Storms out.)
(Monica sneezes.)
MonicaOh my God, the cat's made my eyes water! Don't-don't throw it to me! My vision's been compromised!! (Quickly grabs a tissue to wipe her eyes.) Oh God! Ok. Ok. It's ok. Man, that was close.
ChandlerYeah, you almost overreacted to something.
Phoebe and Gary(entering) Hey!
AllHey!
GaryWe have great news!
PhoebeWe're moving in together! Isn't it great? Yay!
AllCongratulations! Congrats!
PhoebeI know, I'm so excited!
GarySo am I!
PhoebeWell, you're not more excited than I am! No way! I'm the most excited!
GaryOk, I'll see you at the station later.
PhoebeOk, yeah, I'll see you later! Don't forget about the moving in!
GaryAll right.
(Phoebe closes the door behind him.)
MonicaSo you're moving in with him. What happened?
PhoebeI couldn't tell him no. He got so sad. Maybe it'll be all right. I do really like him a lot and probably do it eventually anyway and plus, think of all the money I'll save on stamps.
MonicaWhy, do you write him a lot?
PhoebeNo, I just heard when people live together, they split the cost of stamps. Don't they?
AllYeah! That's right. Yeah-yeah! Yeah!
(Rachel enters with the cat, wearing the oven mitt, and startles Phoebe.)
PhoebeOh! Oh, I'm sorry, the oven mitts really freaked me out. Gary's precinct, Phoebe is entering. GaryHey, honey! Ace, did you find any apartments? Anything in Brooklyn Heights?
PhoebeNo, nothing.
GaryOh, really?
PhoebeYeah.
GaryNothing at all?
PhoebeNo, as soon as something opens up we'll move right in. Unless it doesn't have a pool, I need a pool. (Turns away from him.)
GaryPhoebe, can I talk to you for a second?
PhoebeUh-huh!
(He takes her into one of those typical interrogation rooms you see on TV and in the movies. Which is really appropriate here, since this is a TV show. What are the odds of that?)
GaryHere, take a seat.
PhoebeAll right.
GaryYou ok? You feel all right? (Closes the door and takes off his coat.)
Phoebe(sits down) Yeah, I feel great. 'Cause we're moving in together.
GarySo you uh, you checked the paper for listings in Brooklyn Heights, right? You-you checked the Post?
PhoebeYeah, uh-huh, there was nothing. (Pause) Can I get some water?
GaryIn a minute. You-you checked today's Post?
PhoebeUmm, yeah! Today's.
Gary'Cause uh, huh, this is today's Post (produces one from the other chair) and uh, these are the listings I found. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, two bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, one bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights!
Phoebe(looks at the paper) Are these for rent! I thought people were just bragging!
GaryLet me tell you what I think might be going on here. (Phoebe looks down in shame.) No-no-no, don't look at the table. Look at me. (Points to his eyes and she does so) Ok, I think somebody asked someone to move in with them. And I think someone said, "Yes" but now she's having doubts 'cause things are moving too fast for someone. Does that sound at all possible to you?
PhoebeYes. Yes. Yes! Fine! I am someone! You want me to say it? I have doubts! (Pause) I'm sorry! (Puts her head down.)
GaryPhoebe...
PhoebeYeah?
GaryPhoebe, it's ok that you feel this way. I mean it is soon. And there's a lot of things we don't know about each other, I just figured everything I know about you I really like. And the things I don't know, I get to learn about it at a place with both our names on the mailbox.
PhoebeThat's so sweet.
GarySweetheart, but none of that matters if it's too soon for you. It's fine! We don't have to move in together. I just- I want you to be happy
PhoebeLiving with you would make me happy.
GaryPhoebe, you don't have to say that.
PhoebeNo, I really wanna live with you! I wanna move in with you!
GaryAre you sure?
PhoebeYes. Definitely! Yes! Let's live in an apartment that we both live in! (Hugs him.)
GaryOh that's great!
PhoebeOh wait, one sec. One sec. (Goes to the mirror) Hey you! Behind the glass! Who are you looking at! I've always wanted to say that when I was in one of these rooms, (sees the look on his face) which was never! The street outside Central Perk, Rachel is trying to sell the cat. RachelShow cat! Quality show cat! Show cat! (A woman approaches.)
Woman No. 1(looks into the box) Oh my God! What's wrong with your baby?!
RachelIt's not a baby! That's a cat!
Woman No. 1Eew! It's creepy looking!
RachelOh no! No! It's actually- it's very sweet. It's very sweet. Look! (Goes to pet it and it hisses at her.) Yeah, do you want it?
Woman No. 1(laughs) No, I hate cats.
RachelWell, so then what're you doing to me? Ok? Just get out of here! All right? Move on! Sheez
(Another woman approaches.)
Woman No. 2Wow! What an unusual cat!
RachelYes! Thank you! Exactly! You want it?
Woman No. 2Maybe. I was thinking about getting a cat, I was just going to go to the shelter but... Ok, why not?
RachelOh, terrific! That'll be $2,000.
Woman No. 2What?!
RachelOk, a thousand.
Woman No. 2I thought you wanted me to adopt your cat.
RachelWell, I do, but you're just gonna have to actually look at this as more of an investment than a cat.
Woman No. 2Ok, yeah, I just wanted a cat. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel(makes some unintelligible sound to stop her from leaving) Obviously you know how to haggle, so I'm not gonna try and take you on. Ok? So $800 and I don't call the cops which I should because you're robbing me blind! Blind! (Covers her eyes) Just take the cat, leave the money, and run away! Just Run away! (Uncovers her eyes and sees that the woman has fled) Damn it! (To the cat) Cat, can't you please at least smile or something?! (The cat hisses at her again, it sounds like Rachel) Ok, did anybody just hear that? Anybody? Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, Monica, and now Chandler are still playing catch. The guys are exhausted and sitting around the room. Monica is still standing all pumped up and being hyper-competitive yet again. RossI'm starving!
MonicaCome on guys! Suck it up! We're closing in on ten hours! It's gut-check time!
JoeyI don't know who made you the boss? All right? We (Ross and him) invented this game!
MonicaPlease! I made this game what it is.
ChandlerNot fun anymore?
RossI'm still hungry!
MonicaAll right, there's some pizza at my place, we can all eat with one hand right? You- are you with me?
RossI am!
MonicaAll right! Let's go! (Runs to the door.) Come on! Come on! Let's go Team Monica! (The guys all stop and stare at her) All right, we can work out the name later.
[Cut to her apartment where Rachel is sitting at the table.]
MonicaRachel! What is your cat doing in one of my bowls!
RachelIt's not! I'm defrosting a chicken. (Pause) Oh, I sold uh Mrs. Whiskerson.
RossAw, thank God!
JoeyDid you get your money back?
RachelYeah, 15 hundred dollars.
MonicaWow! You made a profit!
Gunther(entering with the cat) I just came for the red-velvet pillow.
RachelOh, yeah, there you go. (Hands over the pillow.)
GuntherThanks Rachel. And-and don't forget you-you can come visit her anytime you want.
RachelOh good, great! I'll-I'll keep that in mind. (Turns and walks away.)
Gunther(To Ross) Hey! So what is this? Some kind of snake or something? Gary and Phoebe's apartment, it's morning and they're both waking up in bed. GaryI really like waking up with you.
PhoebeI like waking up with you too. (Looks out the window) Oh! It's such a beautiful morning. (Some birds are singing outside the window) Oh, I could stay here all day.
GaryThat would be great!
PhoebeWe could have out breakfast in bed and we...
GaryWait, just a second.
PhoebeOk. (He grabs his gun and shoots the bird.) Oh! Oh, no. Monica and Rachel's, Hyper-competitive Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are still playing catch. Monica is finally tiring while the rest of them are totally exhausted and virtually asleep. MonicaAll right! Come on Monica! Look alive! Come on, look alive!
(Rachel throws the ball to Monica, who throws it to Joey, who throws it to Chandler.)
Chandler(throws the ball to Ross who is asleep) Ross!
Ross(wakes up shockingly and catches the ball) Oh, I was having the best dream.
RachelWhat?
RossI dreamed I was drowning and (angrily) not throwing this ball. (He throws it with anger to Monica who gives him a look.)
Phoebe(entering) Oh good, you're all up.
RachelPhoebe! It's 6 o'clock in the morning! Why aren't you at Gary's?
PhoebeOh yeah, that's over.
AllWhat?!
ChandlerCome on! Gary's such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out!
PhoebeHe shot a bird!
ChandlerOh that is over!
AllHoney. That's terrible! Phoebe. I'm sorry!
RachelPhoebe, are you ok?
PhoebeYeah. Yeah, I'll be alright.
JoeyOh hey, here Pheebs. (He throws her the ball.)
Phoebe(catches it) Nah, I don't feel like playing. (She sets the ball down on the table and everyone gasps.)
MonicaIt's ok. It's ok. Just pretend that it didn't happen! Ok? No one needs to know! I mean, Phoebe's not an official ball player! I mean, only official ball players can drop the ball!
AllAll right. I'm starving. Yeah. (They all get up, thus officially ending the game.)
RachelPhoebe, honey, you wanna get some breakfast?
PhoebeYeah!
MonicaOk! Ok, let's race! First one there wins! Ha-ha! (Runs out the door and everyone watches her leave.)
(Pause)
ChandlerGuys wanna eat here?
AllOh yea. Yeah! Central Perk, everyone is there. JoeyMan, that was great huh? Can you believe how long we threw that ball all around?
RachelI know, it is amazing it lasted that long.
RossI know. My arm is killing me.
RachelNo, I meant with the dropper over here. (Points at Chandler.)
ChandlerYou know, how did I get this reputation as a dropper? Ok? I'm anything but a dropper. (We see various scenes of him dropping a football, a mug of coffee, the phone, an apple, a Frisbee, a record, and the final scene has a ball bouncing off of his chest. I'm not gonna describe them, you'll have to see them.)

Teleplay by Greg Malins; Story by Scott Silveri; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp