Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe are there reading. Rachel is sitting on the couch flanked by Ross and Monica. She suddenly stops reading and starts blinking her left eye as if it's bothering her. The problem is that Joey is on her left and thinks she's winking at him and winks back. Ross is watching this and isn't quite sure of what to make of it.
RossWhat's going on?
RachelWell, my eye is a little itchy.
(Ross turns to look at Joey.)
JoeyUhhh, mine too! Yeah.
Monica(To Rachel) Wow! It's really red! You should go see my eye doctor.
RachelRichard? I'm not gonna go see your ex-boyfriend!
ChandlerOh, Richard. That's all I ever hear, Richard, Richard, Richard!
MonicaSince we've been going out, I think I've mentioned his name twice!
ChandlerOk, so Richard, Richard!
MonicaIt's not Richard! Ok? It's this new guy and he's really good.
RachelWell, I'm sorry I'm not going to an eye doctor!
RossOh God, here we go!
RossAnytime anything comes close to touching her eye or anyone else's she'll like freaks out. Watch! Watch! (He takes his finger and moves it towards his eye.)
Rachel(flinches) Ross! Come on! That's all right! Fine-Ok, I have a weird thing with my eye. Can we not talk about it please?
AllAll right, fine. All right
MonicaHey Rach, remember that great song, Me, Myself, and I? (And on the "I" part she mimics poking her eye.)
Rachel(flinches again) Monica! Come on!
RossHey, does anybody want to get some lunch? All those in favor say I? (Pokes his eye)
Rachel(freaks) Ross! Stop it! Come on!
ChandlerHow much did I love The King and I? (Oh, you get the point by now.)
RachelChandler! All right.
JoeyMe too! Me too! Me too! (Yeah, he does the same thing.)
RachelJust stop it! Come on!
(Joey howls in pain and holds his eye.)
ChandlerYou ok there man?
JoeyYeah, I got too excited!
Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.
RossAll right, I gotta go. I'm taking Ben to the park.
PhoebeOhh, give him a kiss for me!
RossAll right, bye!
Phoebe(after he's gone) I am so sorry you got caught in the middle of that. I didn't mean to be so out there. I am furious with him!
ChandlerWow, umm, calm down.
PhoebeI'm trying, but man that guy can push my buttons!
MonicaWhy are so mad at him?
PhoebeLook, I don't wanna talk about it. Ok?
MonicaWell, it just seems like you really...
PhoebeYou wanna be on my list too? Keep talking! Has anyone seen my list by the way?
ChandlerUh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?
PhoebeUh, it's a piece of paper and it says, "Ross" on it.
Joey(entering, depressed) Hey. I just got off the phone with Estelle and guess what. (Pause, then very excitedly) I GOT THE LEAD IN A MOVIE!!!!!!
ChandlerYou got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?!
JoeyIt's called Shutter Speed, it's really cool! Yeah, umm, well I meet this girl on the subway and we fall in love in like a day, right? And then, she disappears... But I find out where she lives and when I get there, this, like old lady answers the door and I say, "Where's Betsy?" Right? And she says, "Betsy's been dead for 10 years."
JoeyAnd the best part is, we're filming in the desert outside Vegas! (To Chandler) You know what that means buddy!
ChandlerYeah, I know that means buddy!
JoeyRoad trip baby! Yeah, we can rent a car! I just have to be there by Tuesday!
PhoebeOh, wait, my grandmother's dead.
ChandlerWell, uh, we can talk about that too Pheebs.
PhoebeNo! No, her cab! She probably won't be using it; you can drive it to Las Vegas.
JoeyAll right! Thanks Pheebs!
ChandlerWhoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, what're we going to do about my job?
JoeyOh, umm, not go.
ChandlerAll right, great, road trip baby! (To Monica) This's ok with you?
MonicaUh, Chandler! You don't have to ask for my permission. (Quietly) You can go.
MonicaHey Rach, come on! We're gonna be late for the eye doctor appointment!
Rachel(entering from her bedroom) All right! Let's get this over with! Ugh! (She walks by the table and notices that no one is looking and accidentally on purpose knocks over the open cereal box.) Ohhh! No! Look what I did! (She starts walking through the mess. Also, notice the continuity error in this scene. Note the position of the box and dispersal pattern of the cereal before and after the camera cut.) Oh, I mean, look at this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to clean this up! You know? I mean we're gonna have to reschedule!
MonicaLook, you thought that this mess is gonna bother me, you are wrong! All right, let's go Blinky! (She ushers Rachel out the door, but before the door fully closes she sticks her head back in.) Chandler!!! (Chandler agrees to clean up the mess.)
Central Perk, Joey is reading a map as Phoebe enters.
PhoebeOh hey Joey! What's up?
JoeyI can't decide which route to take to Vegas. Hey, you've traveled a lot right?
PhoebeYeah, I've been around.
JoeyOk, so-so which route should I take, the northern route, or-or the southern route?
PhoebeOoh, if you take the northern route there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees.
JoeyOh, great! Problem solved!
PhoebeBut on the southern route there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.
JoeyWell, back to square one.
PhoebeOh, I know a way that you can decide! All right, I'm gonna ask you a series of questions and you answer as quickly as you can.
PhoebeGood, but wait. Ok, all right, here we go. Now I want you to relax. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. (Quickly) Which do you like better, peanut butter or egg whites?
PhoebeWhich would you rather be, a fireman or a swimmer?
PhoebeWho would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?
JoeyMonica. Oh... huh, I always thought it would be Rachel.
PhoebeNo thinking! No thinking! Tie or ascot?
PhoebeNorth route or south route?
PhoebeBam! There you go! Huh?
JoeyWow! That was incredible! Beard of bees, here I come!
PhoebeOh, this guy again. (She ignores him.)
JoeyHey man, what's up?
RossUhh, not much. You guys wanna see a movie tonight?
JoeySure, what do you wanna see?
RossI don't know, umm...
JoeyOh well, I-I know how we can decide. Phoebe, show him your game!
PhoebeUmm, no, thank you. (She gets up and moves to the couch. They were at a table previously.)
RossWhat's with her?
JoeyI don't know. But hey, I know how we can decide. Ok, I'm gonna ask you questions and you answer real quick. Ok?
JoeyWhat do you like better action or comedy?
JoeyWho would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?
(Ross pauses and looks at him, Joey motions for him to hurry up.)
RossDude, you are sick.
JoeyOh, all right. Sorry, I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing. I'm sorry.
Monica's eye doctor's office, Monica and Rachel are waiting in an exam room and looking at this big white thing used to check eyes. I have no idea what it is, and if an ophthalmologist happens to know what that is, let me know.
RachelOh my God! What does that thing do?
Monica(looks at it more closely) Oh that's an eye removal machine.
RachelAll right, I'm out of here!
MonicaI'm kidding! I'm kidding!
(Rachel heads for the door but is intercepted by the doctor.)
The DoctorHi Rachel!
The DoctorI'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't worry, everything's gonna be just fine.
RachelSo we're done then!
Dr. MillerAlmost! But, first, we gotta start.
Dr. MillerThis is a glaucoma test.
Dr. MillerSit down.
Dr. MillerPut your chin here. (She does so.) Now, you'll feel a small puff of air in each eye.
Rachel(jerks back from the tester) What?!
MonicaA small puff of air, now come on!
Dr. MillerHere we go.
Dr. Miller1...2...3! (Rachel jerks back on 3.)
RachelOk. I'm sorry. All right, just- I'm gonna stay in here this time. (Puts her head back.) Ok.
Dr. Miller1...2... (She flinches on 2 this time.)
MonicaYou know what, I'm gonna hold her head.
Dr. MillerThat's ok.
MonicaOk. (Monica backs off.)
Dr. Miller1...2! (She flinches again.)
Dr. Miller(Gives up.) You know what? You're young; you probably don't have glaucoma.
Rachel(really excited) Ok! So, it was very, very nice to meet you sir and- (He took out that thing they use to look at people's retinas and looked at Rachel's when she was shaking his hand causing her to flinch and scream at him.) Ow! Hey! What are you doing?! Are you crazy!
Dr. MillerOk. You've got a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want you to take these drops three times a day for a week and you'll be as good as new.
RachelYeah, no, I don't-I don't put things in my eye.
Dr. MillerOk then, I guess we'll see you back here in three months.
Dr. MillerAnd I'll fit you for a glass eye.
RachelOk, just give me the damn drops! (Grabs them and storms out.)
MonicaDr. Miller? (She covers her right eye and reads from the chart) P E C F D.
Dr. MillerVery good Monica! You know where they are.
MonicaI sure do! (She runs over to a drawer, opens it, and grabs a lollipop.) (To Rachel) And you don't get one!
Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica, and Joey are there.
RachelYou know, I-I gotta tell ya, those eye drops are a miracle. My eye is a 100% better.
MonicaThey're still in my coat.
JoeyHey! You ready to go?
ChandlerYeah, listen, how cold is it gonna be there? Do I need a coat or will all these sweater vests be enough? (Holds up 3 of them in different colors.)
(Monica stares at him.)
MonicaI love you.
(There's another continuity error here. Before Monica says I love you, Chandler's holding the vests so that you couldn't see the collar, you could see all three, and they were folding nicely. After she says the line and the camera cuts back to Chandler, you can only see two out of the three, you can see the collar of the top one, and it looks like it was folded sloppily, unlike before. Hey, you notice things while spending this much time on this!)
JoeyMan, I wish Ross was coming with us! You know? I'm gonna miss him!
PhoebeThanks a lot! I just got that jerk out of my mind!
ChandlerHey, so where're we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite?
JoeyUh no, not really. It's an independent film you know? So we don't have a real big budget. I figured I'd just stay in your room.
ChandlerI see, but once you get your first paycheck you'll be springing for a big hotel suite, right? I mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot?
JoeyOh yeah! Check this out. For every dollar Shutter Speed makes, one penny of it goes right in Joey's pocket.
ChandlerSo you don't get paid unless the movie makes money?
JoeyDid you not hear the plot of the movie? "She's been dead for ten years." I'm gonna be a millionaire!
RossI just wanna say goodbye to you guys, and to see if you guys will place a little bet for me, huh? Twenty bucks on black 15.
JoeyYou got it!
(Joey nods to Chandler, no way!)
Ross(stares at Joey) You remember the number, right?
JoeyYeah black 13.
JoeyYou got it. (shakes his head "No Way" again)
ChandlerAll right, bye-bye now!
RachelBye you guys!
MonicaI wanna say goodbye at the car!
JoeyAnybody wanna say goodbye to me at the car?
RachelOh, honey, I'll say goodbye to you at the car if you don't mind the pus.
JoeySee you! (Walks out.)
RachelWell, wait a minute! A little pus is good! It means it's healing! (Runs after him.)
RossHey Pheebs, whatcha reading? (Phoebe ignores him) Pheebs? (Turns away) Hello? (He sits down next to her and she moves over a bit.) Phoebe? (He moves closer and she keeps moving away.) Phoe-Phoebe! (They end up hanging over the arm rest.) Come on! (He grabs the magazine away from her.)
PhoebeOh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.
RossPheebs, are you, are you mad at me, or something? 'Cause if you are, please, tell me what it is I did!
PhoebeWell, if you don't know I can't help you.
RossWell, I don't know.
PhoebeWell, I can't help you.
RossOk, whatever it is, I'm-I'm very, very sorry. Ok?
RossOk. So we're, we're good?
RossAll right. (Gets up.) I'll uh, I'll see you later, ok?
Phoebe(quietly) Bye, fat ass.
RossALL RIGHT!! Phoebe now come on! Will you please tell me what it is that made you so mad at me!
PhoebeI don't know! I don't remember!
RossWhat?! What do you mean-what do you mean you can't remember?!
PhoebeI was so focused on being mad at you that I forgot what it was I was mad about!
RossIf you can't remember, can't we just forget about this?
PhoebeOh no, I am mad at you. I know that much. But, I am sorry about the fat ass thing. 'Cause You actually have a very sweet little heinie.
(Ross isn't sure what to do with that comment.)
Phoebe's cab, Joey and Chandler are headed across the George Washington bridge on their way to Las Vegas. Joey is driving.
JoeyMan, I'm getting pretty tired. You might have to take over soon.
ChandlerWe've been driving for a half-hour, and you haven't looked at the road once.
JoeyDon't worry, it's out there! (Just then a horn honks and Joey quickly looks at the road.) I guess I just need lunch.
JoeyYou wanna eat? (Pulls out the twenty) My treat.
ChandlerIsn't that Ross's money?
JoeyYeah. Ok. Ross's treat! Where do you wanna eat?
ChandlerI don't know.
JoeyOoh, hey, I know how we can decide! All right, uh, I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. Ok? So uh, clear your mind Clear it right out! Clear it out! Clear!
ChandlerOk! Ok, so it's all clear except for this-this image of a small, purple lamp. (pause) Is that all right if that stays in there?
Joey(thinks about it) Yeah. I don't see why not. I guess. All right now you have to answer with the first thing that pops into your head ok?
JoeyOk, uhh, would you rather be too wet or too dry?
JoeyDo you believe in ghosts, yes or no?
JoeyIs this movie gonna be my big break?
JoeyDude you said, "No!"
ChandlerI also said, "Yes!"
JoeyWell you don't think this is gonna to be a big break?
ChandlerNo! (Realizes) Ahhh!!!
JoeyI don't believe this!
ChandlerLook Joe, I ju-, I just don't wanna get your hopes up real high, you know?
JoeyWhat're you talking about?! I'm the lead in a movie!
ChandlerThey're not even paying you! This doesn't even sound like a real movie!
JoeyYou know what? I don't need this! Ok? I don't know why you're dumping all over my big break.
ChandlerJoe, I don't think this is going to be your big break.
JoeyIs that why you're on this trip, huh? Make me feel like a loser? 'Cause if it is, I'll tell ya, I-I-I'd rather be alone.
ChandlerOh, you don't want me on the trip?
JoeyNot if you're gonna be like this!
ChandlerAll right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that I'll lie.
JoeyYeah! I don't want you on the trip!
ChandlerAll right, fine! Fine! Why don't you pull over? I'll get out right now!
JoeyFine! (He slams on the brakes, stopping the car on the bridge to the sound of numerous car horns.) Get out!
ChandlerYou're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge.
ChandlerAw-aw-oy! (Gets out and Joey speeds away.) Wait! Wait, there's no sidewalk! Yeah, I'm gonna die here.
Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there. Ross is trying to figure out why Phoebe's mad at him.
RossOk, are you mad at me because my hair gel smells?
RossAre you angry with me because I said your handwriting is childlike?
PhoebeNo, that made me feel precious.
MonicaOh, I know! Umm, is it because he's always correcting people's grammar? Whom! Whom! Sometimes it's who!
RossYeah? Sometimes it's... (Does the fist thing.)
RachelOh, did you beat him at a board game? He turns into such a baby when he starts to lose.
RossOk, I'm the baby. (Points at his eye.)
RachelEh! Stop it!
MonicaChandler! What're you doing here?
ChandlerJoey kicked me out of the car on the George Washington bridge!
ChandlerI don't know! He went crazy! You know, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you have to answer it really fast.
PhoebeThat game should not be played without my supervision.
ChandlerWell, I don't know what made him so mad, you know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this's gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't gonna do anything for him, and that uh, you know it didn't sound like a real movie- Ok, he should've pushed me off of the bridge.
PhoebeWhat's in the bag?
ChandlerOh, I figured you guys would all be mad at me. So I got you some gifts that I found on the side of the road. (Looks into the bag.) Who wants the teddy bear with one leg?
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to apply her eye drops while Monica looks on.
RachelOk. (She tilts her head back and squeezes the eyedropper. The only problem is, it's not over her eye.)
MonicaNot even close.
RachelOk, well then you know what? Help me! I need help! I can't do this!
MonicaAll right! Come on! Let's do it!
MonicaSit down. (They sit down on the couch.)
MonicaPut your head back.
MonicaNow, open your eyes.
RachelOk, they are. (No they're not.)
MonicaHow many fingers am I holding up? (She's not holding any up.)
MonicaOh my God, I was thinking four.
MonicaYes! All right, you know what? Why don't we start with a practice one? Ok?
MonicaAll right. On three, 1...2...3! (Rachel turns her head on three to avoid the drops.) Now my pillow's all wet! (She was trying to fool Rachel and squeezed the eyedropper.)
RachelWell, well, you said it was practice!
MonicaThen why did you move?!
RachelBecause I knew you were lying!
MonicaAll right, come here! (She gets up and drags Rachel off of the couch by her legs.)
Rachel(as she's being dragged) What are you? Monica! Stop it! Oh my God! Stop it! (Monica drags her totally onto the floor and on her back.)
MonicaI am going... I'm- Turn it over! (Rachel rolled onto her stomach and Monica rolls her back.) I'm... I am going to get, ok, get these drops into your eyes. (She is holding Rachel down with both hands and has the eyedropper in her mouth.)
RachelOh my God! You really are freakishly strong!
(Monica starts biting on the eyedropper, spraying the fluid all over. But Rachel keeps turning her head back and forth and Monica keeps missing.)
RachelMonica! Stop it!
Monica(spitting out the eyedropper) Damn! It's empty!
RachelWow, you know if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune! (Monica is straddling Rachel and holding her arms down. In a rather risqué pose, at least for primetime TV.)
Monica and Rachel's, time lapse, Phoebe and Monica are playing cards as the phone rings.
PhoebeOoh that is definitely Chandler, Joey, or Ross. (Thinks) Or-or Rachel!
Monica(answers the phone) Hello? (Listens.) (To Phoebe) It's Joey. (Phoebe's proud of herself.) (To Joey) I'm so glad you called! Chandler told me what happened. You know he's really upset about it.
Joey(on a pay phone holding a box) Not as upset as he's gonna be when he finds out what I did with his sweater vests!
MonicaWhat did you do to his sweater vests?
JoeyLet's just say there's a well-dressed pack of dogs in Ohio. Hey, Monica listen is-is Phoebe there? I gotta ask her something about the car.
MonicaYeah, she's here. Hold on one second. (She hands the phone to Phoebe.)
JoeyHey Pheebs! Listen, this wooden box keeps sliding out from under the seat. What-what is it?
PhoebeOh that's my grandma. (Joey holds the box away from him.) And thanks Joey she's having a really great time. (Joey is happy now.)
Chandler(who has just entered) Is that Joey? Is that Joey? Let me talk to him! Let me talk to him.
PhoebeOk Joey? Chandler's here, he was wondering... (We hear the dial tone as Joey hangs up.) Ok, I guess he ran out of change.
ChandlerYou know, he won't even talk to me. How am I gonna apologize to him if he won't even talk to me?
MonicaWell, maybe you should send him something. So that when he gets to Las Vegas he'll know that you're sorry.
ChandlerThat's a good idea. I wonder where I could (Pause) get a basket of porn...
PhoebeOh, no, don't-don't say I'm sorry with porn!
PhoebeYou know what you should send him? A carton of cigarettes. 'Cause that why he could trade it for protection. No. That's prison.
Ross(entering) Ok, Pheebs, I know how we're gonna figure this out. Ok, clear your mind and answer the first thing that comes into your head. Ok?
RossWhat do you like better flora or fauna?
RossWho would you rather be Simon or Garfunkle?
RossWhy are you mad at me?
PhoebeYou said I was boring- Ohh!
RossWhen did I say you were boring?!
PhoebeOh my God, I remember now! We were playing chess!
RossPhoebe! You and I have never played chess!
PhoebeOh, come on! Yes, remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz! (Realizes) Ok, there's a chance this may have been a dream.
Ross(frustrated) So this entire time, you've been angry with me because of a dream?! Well, guess what, Phoebe? Now I'm mad at you! (Phoebe pinches Ross.) Oww!
Phoebe I-I wanted to make sure that this wasn't a dream. Otherwise we're just wasting each other's time.
The desert outside of Las Vegas, Joey is arriving and we hear the song, Name. You know, (singing) I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La...la...la-la-la, la, la, la, la-la-la. You get the idea. Anyhow, he pulls up and stops. As he gets out of the car, he spills a huge pill of fast food containers out of the footwell.
JoeyHey-hey! Stanley! Hey-hey! Your leading man is here! Let's get to work.
StanleyUmm, slight change of plans. We've shut down.
StanleyIt's a money thing, we don't have any.
Joey(laughs) You're kidding right?
StanleyIt's probably just temporary eh. We're hoping to get some more money soon, so if you could just uh, hang out.
JoeyWhat, hang out?! How long?
StanleyI don't know. A week? Maybe two? The money will turn it up! People always wanna invest in movies! Hey, you're not rich, are ya?
StanleyEh, worth a shot. (Gets into his car.) Look, Joey, let me know where you're staying, ok? (The car peels away.)
(I think one of the grips walk up to Joey, mainly because there's a credit for The Grip. What the heck is a grip anyway?!)
The GripHey pal, are you Joey Tribbiani?
The GripThese got left for ya. (He hands him a bunch of helium balloons.)
JoeyThanks. (The grip walks away.) (Reading the card.) Congratulations on your big break.
(The rest of the crew start to drive away leaving Joey sad, alone, and holding his congratulatory balloons as the song comes up again. La-la-la. See, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain! In the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La-la-la, la, la, la...)
Monica and Rachel's, the phone is ringing.
Monica(answering it) Hello?
Joey(on phone from Vegas) Hey Monica, it's Joey!
MonicaHey Joey! Aww, you remembered me even though you're a big star!
JoeyAw, come on! It'll be years before I forget you!
MonicaJoey, what's it like on a movie set, huh? Do you have a dressing room? Do you have a chair with your name on it?
JoeyUh, well yeah-yeah, I got all of that going on. Yeah, listen uh, I want you to make sure you tell Chandler that he couldn't 've been more wrong! Uh-oh! I-I gotta go, Monica, my uh, my sushi's here!
[Cut to Joey hanging up the phone in Vegas. He's wearing a Roman gladiator's uniform and goes over to join a family to pose for a picture. You see, he's apparently taken a job at Caesar's Palace.]
Joey(to the family) Sorry about that. Thanks for waiting.
JoeyEverybody smile! (The picture is taken) Ok, thanks a lot! Enjoy your stay at Caesar's! We hope it's toga-rrific! (The family leaves.) Kill me. Kill me now.
Monica and Rachel's, The gang is surrounding Rachel at key positions.
RossHey Rach, can you pass me the TV Guide?
(As she moves to get it, Monica yells...)
(Phoebe jumps to the floor as Ross tackles Rachel off of the couch. Chandler helps push Rachel onto the floor by jumping over the back of the couch. Phoebe grabs Rachel's head to hold it still and opens Rachel's eye as Monica jumps onto Chandler's back to administer the torture- I mean medicine.)
RachelWhat?!! Stop it! Stop it! Oh my God!
MonicaOk! Ok! Ok! (She succeeds in getting the eye drops in and everyone climbs off of Rachel.) We'll see you in about 3 to 4 hours.
RachelOh! (She's trying to recover while still on the floor.)
Teleplay by Wil Calhoun; Story by Shana Goldberg-Meehan; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp