Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in the living room and Phoebe is standing in the kitchen as the phone rings. RachelPheebs? Could you get that? Please?
PhoebeWhy? Just 'cause you're too lazy to get up off your tushie?
RachelNo! No! It's just that all the people in the entire world that I would wanna talk to are right here.
Phoebe(smiles) Ok! (Goes to answer the phone.)
Rachel(under her breath) Sucker!
Phoebe(answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Joey!
[Cut to Las Vegas, Joey is on the phone and wearing his gladiator costume.]
JoeyHey Pheebs! Listen, uh can you do me a favor? I forgot the PIN number to my ATM card can, can you get it for me?
PhoebeSure! Where is it?
JoeyUh, I scratched it on the ATM machine down on the corner.
PhoebeOhh! So you're 5639?!
JoeyThat's it! Thanks Pheebs!
[Cut to Monica and Rachel's]
Chandler(entering) Hey!
Phoebe(to Joey) Ooh, do you wanna talk to Chandler?
Chandler(To Phoebe) Is that Joey?! (She nods yes) Let me talk to him!
[Cut to Joey]
JoeyNo! (She nods no to Chandler) 'Cause he didn't believe in my movie! Which is a big mistake because it is real! Real!
A Casino BossHey! Tribbiani! Get back to work! Break time's over!
[Cut to Phoebe]
PhoebeWho was that?
JoeyUhh, my stunt double. Yeah, and you know, he's getting a little too familiar for my taste.
Chandler(To Phoebe) You know what? I've been trying to apologize to him all week! If he's not gonna let me do it on the phone, I'm gonna go down there and I'm gonna do it in person.
[Cut to Joey]
JoeyUhh Pheebs, I heard that. Can you put him on?
[Cut to Phoebe]
PhoebeYeah! (She hands the phone to Chandler.)
Chandler(To Joey) Hey!
[Cut to Joey]
JoeyDon't come out here!
[Cut to Chandler]
ChandlerNo-no-no-no, I support you one hundred percent and I wanna prove that to you in person!
[Cut to Joey]
JoeyI got that! I forgive ya! Don't come out here!
[Cut to Chandler]
ChandlerForgive me? You haven't been taking my calls for a week!
[Cut to Joey]
JoeyWell, I'm totally over it Chandler. Friends forever! Don't come out here!
A Tourist(To Joey) Would you mind doing a picture with us?
[Cut to Chandler]
ChandlerUh, what was that?
[Cut to Joey]
JoeyUh, Entertainment Tonight. [Cut to Chandler] Yeah, ok so, good talking to ya and don't come out here. All right. (Hangs up the phone and poses for that picture.) Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering. PhoebeMonica! I'm sorry I'm late! (Starts looking around for her) Monica? (Goes into Monica's bedroom.)
Monica(entering) Phoebe? (Phoebe comes back into the living room) Oh, Phoebe, I'm so sorry. Have you been here long?
Phoebe(saddened) That's ok. What the hell took you so long?
MonicaOk, you can not tell Chandler. Ok? But I ran into Richard.
PhoebeWhich Richard?
MonicaThe Richard.
PhoebeRichard Simmons?! Oh my God!
MonicaNoo! My ex-boyfriend Richard! You know, the tall guy, moustache?
PhoebeOh! Ok, that actually makes more sense. So how was it?
MonicaIt was, it was really nice. And we started talking and I-I ended up having lunch with him.
PhoebeOh that is so weird! I had a dream that you had lunch with Richard.
PhoebeBut again, Richard Simmons. Go on.
MonicaAll right. The strange part was, he was really nice, umm and he looks great, but I didn't feel anything at all!
PhoebeOoh! So now why can't we tell Chandler?
MonicaAw. Because it would totally freak him out and tomorrow's our anniversary. I just don't want anything to spoil that.
PhoebeOh, my God, I can't believe you guys've lasted a whole year!
MonicaI know.
PhoebeWow! I owe Rachel 20 bucks!
PhoebeOn a totally different bet.
Chandler(entering) Hey!
MonicaIt's almost our anniversary!
ChandlerI know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your annoying friend Chandler.
PhoebeAwww! Now you're just my annoying friend Chandler.
MonicaI got you a present!
ChandlerOh, but it's not 'til tomorrow!
MonicaI know, but you have to open it today! (Hands it too him.)
(He starts taking his time opening it. Finally Monica snaps.)
Monica(grabbing the gift from him and opening it) Ok! There you go! It's two tickets to Vegas!
MonicaYeah! For this weekend! Oh gosh, it'll be perfect, you get to see Joey plus we get to start our anniversary celebration on the plane. We can call it our plane-aversary.
ChandlerWe have to?
MonicaYou know, ok.
ChandlerOk but this is great, but, Joey said he didn't want any of us out there.
MonicaOh, he just doesn't want us to go through any trouble. But think how excited he'll be when we go out and surprise him! Plus we get to have our own, ani-Vegas-ary! A-Nevadaversary!
ChandlerYeah, I think we should see other people.
MonicaWe can go, right?
ChandlerIt's a great idea. (They kiss)
PhoebeOk, I'm gonna go too!
ChandlerYou know what Pheebs, it's kind of our anniversary.
PhoebeOh please, you are not gonna ditch me again like you did with London.
MonicaDitch you? Phoebe, you were pregnant with the triplets!
PhoebeUh-huh, great story! I'm going!
Rachel(entering with Ross) Hi!
PhoebeHey, you guys, listen, this weekend we're all gonna go to Las Vegas to surprise Joey! Including me!! You wanna go?!
RachelWell, I guess I could take a couple days off work.
PhoebeOf course you could take a couple days off work because this trip includes me!
RachelOh no, wait a minute, wait, I've got a presentation tomorrow. I can't miss that.
RossOh, but I've got tickets to the Van Gogh exhibit! I've been waiting like a year for this.
Chandler(coughing) Art lover!
RossWhat'd you say?
ChandlerI said art lover.
RossIs that supposed to be an insult?
ChandlerI don't know, I'm very tired.
RossSo Rach, maybe you and I could fly out together Saturday.
RachelThat sounds great.
RossYeah? All right I'll call the airlines. (Picks up the phone and does so)
RachelOk. Yeah, you know, that'll be nice actually, to have the apartment to myself for a night.
PhoebeOh, yeah, so you can walk around naked.
RachelNo! So I can be by myself. You know? Have a little alone time.
PhoebeYeah uh-huh, naked alone time.
RachelNo! Phoebe just because I'm alone doesn't mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked.
PhoebeUh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door? An airplane cabin, Phoebe has the aisle seat, Chandler the window, and Monica's stuck in that horrible middle seat. PhoebeSo, so far, is this trip to Vegas better or worse than the trip to London?
ChandlerSo far it's pretty much the same Pheebs.
PhoebeOk, what about after I give you these candies? (Hands them each one from her purse.)
ChandlerYeah, I guess it's a little better now.
PhoebeHuh-ha! Ok, (takes out a notepad) Las Vegas 1, London 0! I'll be right back. (Gets up and heads aft.)
Chandler(To Monica) Happy plane-aversary.
MonicaAww! I love you!
ChandlerCan I give you a present now?
ChandlerOk! (He grabs his carry-on and starts rummaging through it.) Oh man! Don't tell me I did this!
MonicaI love the "I forgot the present" fake out!
ChandlerHow do you feel about the, "I really did forgot the present, please forgive me" not fake out?
MonicaOh, honey, that's ok. Don't worry about it, you give it to me when we get back.
ChandlerNo, this's the worst thing that can happen on an anniversary ever!
Phoebe(sitting down) Oh good! All right, you decided to tell him about the Richard thing.
ChandlerWhat-what Richard thing?
PhoebeOh, no. [The patented version.]
ChandlerWhat Richard thing?
Phoebe(To Monica under her breath) Simmons! Go Simmons!
MonicaOk, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't wanna spoil our anniversary.
Chandler(talking out of the side of his mouth) I'm not mad.
ChandlerOh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped into Richard! You grabbed a bite! No big deal. (He still ain't happy.)
PhoebeOk, London 1... This is gonna be a real horserace.
(Monica smiles at Chandler who sarcastically smiles and then frowns.) Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is coming out of the bathroom after a shower wearing only her bathrobe, walks into the kitchen, and opens the fridge. As she bends over to grab a bottle of wine, her robe falls open (Damn this network prime time programming, we didn't see anything!) and she quickly closes it again. But then realizes she didn't have to do that. So she closes the fridge and stands next to the table, thinks about it for a little while and... Rachel(takes off her robe) Oh! Look what happened! (Don't get your hopes up guys, we only get to see her from the back or from the neck up. It's times like these I wish that the networks would broadcast some nudity other than Dennis Franz's butt.) (In her head.) Huh, check me out! I'm in my kitchen... naked! I'm picking up an orange. (Does so) I'm naked! (Goes into the living room) Lighting the candles, naked, and carefully. (She backs anything that might have a point like a candle on her body away.)
[Cut to Ross's apartment, he's sitting by his window looking at an art book. As he's turning the page, he glances up and notices something.]
Ross(in his head) Oh my God! That's Rachel naked! I can't look at that! I am looking at this. (Looks back at his book.) Ok, vivid colors, expressive brush strokes- Unless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home. She knows I can see her. What kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone's lonely tonight. Ho-ho, Dr. Geller! Stop it! You're being silly! Or, am I?
[Cut back to Monica and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is singing along with a song and dancing while facing the big picture window. You know, I think I'd pay real good money to be on the other side of that window!]
Rachel(singing) Love to love you baby! Ow! Love to love you baby! Ow! (There's a knock on the door, she turns off the music, puts on her robe, and goes to answer the door.) Love to love you, baby! Ow! (There's another knock.) Darn it! (Looks through the peephole and turns on the lights.) Ugh. (She opens the door to Ross who's leaning against the doorjam.)
RossHey. May I come in?
RachelUh, yeah, if you want to.
RossDo you want me to?
RachelYeah, sure?
RossSo do I. (Slowly walks in.) Ok Rach, before anything happens (He takes off his coat) I just wanna lay down a couple of ground rules. (Turns back to face her.) This is just about tonight. I don't wanna go through with this if it's gonna raise the question of "Us." (Rachel's confused) Ok? I just want this to be (Kicks off his left shoe) about what it is! (Kicks off the other one.)
RachelAnd um, what-what is that, Ross?
RossThe physical act of love. (Hisses at her.)
Rachel(laughs) What?! Are you crazy?
RossOh so-so you weren't trying to entice me just now with your-your nakedness?
Rachel(gasps) Aw, God, you saw me?! Ohh!
RossYou weren't trying to entice me with your nakedness.
RachelNoo!! No! You thought, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with you?! Oh my God.
RossNo! No! (Grabs his coat) No! (Grabs a shoe.) No-no-no-no. (Grabs the other one and heads for the door.)
RachelOhh, wow! I'm sorry, but Ross, you kicked off your shoes!
RossCan- can we just forget this ever happened?
RachelYes of course, absolutely! You're right. I'm sorry.
RossThank you.
RossAll right I guess I'm, gonna go pack. (Starts to leave)
RachelOk. Oh wait! One more thing, umm, do, do we still need to uh settle the question of "us?"
(Ross storms off embarrassed.) Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas, the Strip, slot machines, a couple other gaming tables all set to the tune of you guessed it, Money. Anyhow, we finally get through that and watch Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe enter Caesar's Palace carrying their luggage. PhoebeHey you guys, wait! You guys! (Catches up to them.) This place is so much better than London! Ok? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me this coupon, 99 cents steak and lobster dinner. Huh!
MonicaHmm, Phoebe, you don't eat animals.
PhoebeFor 99 cents, I'd eat you. (Sees the casino) Ok, I can totally settle down here. It's got everything I could ever want, including Joey! Look! (Points to Joey in his gladiator suit posing for a picture with two old ladies.) Oh! Look! Hey!
ChandlerOh my God.
PhoebeHey! Joey! (They all head over to him, he spots them coming and panics.) Hey! Hey!! Wow! (She hugs him.)
ChandlerLove your condoms my man.
JoeyWhat-what're you guys doing here? I thought I told you not to come.
PhoebeWhy are you dressed as a gladiator?
JoeyUhh, because I'm shooting a scene right now. Yeah, I uh, I play a gladiator. Uh, you know what? Hold-hold on a second. (To no one in particular) Can we cut? Yeah, my-my friends are here, I'm gonna take a little break.
MonicaWho-who're you talking to?
JoeyThe-uh director. Uhh, her. (Points to an old woman standing behind him. Who glares at him and walks off.) All right, all right, it's not a gladiator movie. I work here.
ChandlerWhy?! What happened?!
JoeyWell, the movie got shutdown because they ran out of money, so I'm working here 'til it starts up again, if it ever does.
Monica & PhoebeOh, it's such a drag, honey. I'm so sorry.
JoeyUh-huh, I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys. (To Chandler) I'm sorry man.
ChandlerNo-no, it's ok, apparently there's a new policy where we don't have to share everything with everybody.
MonicaI knew you were not ok with that.
PhoebeSo you're a gladiator! Wow!
JoeyYeah, what-what's going on?
PhoebeMonica had lunch with Richard.
PhoebeNoo! But that would've been so cool!
ChandlerNo, her boyfriend Richard!
MonicaIt meant nothing! Ok? I mean after all this time, how can you not trust me?
ChandlerWhen you go lunching with hunky moustache men and don't tell me about it!
MonicaYou're right. I'm sorry. I should've told you.
ChandlerThanks. (They hug.)
JoeyAww, there we go.
PhoebeI love Vegas!
MonicaI promise you, next time I absolutely will tell you.
Chandler(pushing her away from another hug) Next time?
JoeyOoh, so close.
ChandlerThere's not gonna be a next time! You can not see him ever again!
MonicaI can not see him? I mean, you- can't tell me what to do!
ChandlerThat's so funny, because I think I just did!
MonicaOh, you know what? If you're gonna be acting like this all night, I really, I don't even wanna be around you.
ChandlerFine with me!
MonicaFine! Happy Anniversary!
JoeyWhoa! Whoa! Guys! Guys! Please! Come on! Come on! This's obviously just a big misunderstanding.
MonicaNo it is not!
ChandlerWhat are you talking...
JoeyHey-hey-hey, don't lock me! I'm- just work here! (Walks away.) An aircraft cabin, Ross and Rachel are on their way to Vegas. Rachel(taking off her sweater) Ok umm, Ross? I'm-I'm a little warm, so I'm gonna be taking off my sweater. Now, I'm, just letting you know, this is not an invitation to the physical act of love.
Ross(sarcastic) Yep! That's hilarious!
RachelI'm sorry. I'm done. I'm done.
RossYou know, last night was embarrassing for you too.
RachelNo, not really. I mean, you've seen me naked hundreds of times.
RossUh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my building.
RachelOk. All right, ok, that's true! But you know, I did- I just don't embarrass that easily.
RossWhat?! You totally get embarrassed!
RachelNo, I don't! Ross, I think I'm just a more secure person than you are.
RossIs that so?
Ross(loudly so that everyone can hear) Hey lady! I don't care how much you want it! Ok?! I am not gonna to have sex with you in the bathroom! (Rachel sinks lower on her chair trying to hide.) Chandler's hotel room, he's sitting there with Joey who's talking about his helmet and running his hand through that feathery thing at the top. JoeyHey, you know, in Roman times, this was more than just a hat.
JoeyYeah, sure! Sure! They would uh, they would scrub the floors with it! They would use it to get the mud off their shoe. And uh sometimes, underneath the horse would get dirty, so they would stick it right...
Chandler(interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can not believe this is how I'm spending my anniversary.
JoeyAll right well, I'll take you some place nice then. Look! A guy tipped me a hundred bucks today.
JoeyYeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for like an hour and he won $5,000. Can you believe that? $5,000!
ChandlerYou know, if I won $5,000 I'd join a gym, you know build up my upper body and hit Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.)
JoeyWait a minute! Why don't I just do what that guy did? I'll take this $100, turn it into $5,000! And then I'll turn that into enough money to get my movie going again!
ChandlerGood luck!
JoeyChandler! I don't need luck. I have thought this through!
ChandlerI see.
(Joey exits as Chandler shakes his head.) The casino bar, Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the bar, while Wayne Newton's signature song Danke Schoen is playing in the background. Monica(to the bartender) Thank you.
MonicaI can't believe this! This is like the worst night ever!
PhoebeYou know, Monica, you had a minor setback in your relationship with Chandler. Big deal! It's only Chandler. (Monica turns and stares at her.) I am so sorry.
MonicaThis is crazy! I mean, it's such a stupid argument. I don't even wanna see Richard again.
PhoebeSo, go fix it! Go find Chandler! He's probably up in your room! Tell him that you're sorry and that you love him.
MonicaYou know what? You're right, Phoebe. You're right. Thank you! (Gets up to find Chandler.)
PhoebeSure! (When Monica gets close to the door.) (Yelling) Yeah! Las Vegas, number one!
[Cut to the casino, Monica is walking through it past the craps table when she notices a chip on the floor. She picks it up and heads to the table.]
MonicaAnybody lose this? (Holds up the chip and the woman next to her shakes her head no.)
The CroupierComing out. Place your bet. (Monica does so.) Dice are out. (The woman next to Monica rolls the dice.) Yeah-o-leven! Pay the front line! (Monica won and doubled the chip.)
MonicaHmm. An airplane cabin, Ross and Rachel are both reading as a guy stops by their row. Guy(To Rachel) So uh, I'm on my way back to the bathroom. (Ross giggles.)
RachelYeah, all right. All right! Just keep walking! All right?
(Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather large man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his head. The guy turns around angrily.)
RachelRoss! What're you... I'm sorry sir. I just, I think he just really likes you.
[Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get Rachel again.]
Ross(to the guy in the window seat next to him) Hey! You know that teacher who had a baby with her student? (He points at Rachel.)
[Time lapse, Rachel pushes the flight attendant call button, takes Ross's drink, and spills it into his lap.]
RossWhat the? What...
Rachel(to the flight attendant who appears in record time. It was only seconds after Rachel pushed the call button was she there. Once again, more proof that TV isn't real, IRL she would've been waiting for the rest of the flight and by then Ross's pants would be dry.) Hi!
The Flight AttendantMiss? May I help you?
RachelYes, I'm sorry. Do you have any extra pants? Umm, my friend seems to have had a little accident. Caesar's Palace Casino, Joey is approaching one of the blackjack tables on his quest to make enough money for his movie. Joey(to the dealer) Can I change a hundred? (He hands him his chip.)
Blackjack DealerChanging one hundred! (Gives him the change.) Good luck sir.
JoeyThanks. (betting all 100) Let's ride.
Blackjack Dealer(Deals the cards) 13.
JoeyHit me! (He does so.) Ohh man! (Joey busts and loses all the money, but when the dealer starts to collect the cards Joey notices something.) Wait! (He holds his hand next to the dealer's hand.)
[Cut to Chandler's room, Joey is relaying to Chandler his amazing discovery.]
JoeyChandler! You are not gonna believe this! I have found my identical hand twin!
Chandler(totally confused) What?
JoeyMy identical hand twin!
ChandlerWhat's an identical hand twin?
JoeyWhat's it sound like? It's a guy with my identical hands! It was incredible! Chandler, the dealer's hands were exactly like mine! It-it was like looking at my hands in a mirror!
ChandlerAre you sure you weren't (pause) looking at your hands in a mirror?
JoeyDon't you see what this means?! I can forget about that stupid movie. I'm gonna be a millionaire!
Chandler(totally confused) How?
JoeyLook, I don't have it all worked out yet, but it's gotta mean big money! Come on! Identical hands!
ChandlerAgain I must go back to, how?
JoeyThis is Vegas man! People will pay to see freaky stuff! You-know-I-mean-ok, how much would you pay to see this hand (Holds up his left hand) twice? Huh?
Chandler(Pause) You know, I-I can't really put a price on that Joe.
JoeyHey, are you unsupporting me again?
ChandlerNo! No! I support you 100%! I just didn't, I didn't get it right away. You know now I'm caught up! Identical hand twins! It's a million-dollar idea!
JoeyRight? I know. Ok. All right. (grabs a disposable camera)
ChandlerWhat's that for?
JoeyWell, I gotta document this before that dealer gets off his break.
ChandlerI see.
(Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly when as he goes to open the door, there's a mysterious knock. He calms himself down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.)
JoeyI found my identical hand twin!
PhoebeOhh, you are so lucky! (To Chandler) Hey! So, where's Monica? Did you guys make up?
PhoebeBut she just came up here!
ChandlerThat was Joey!
PhoebeI wonder where she is. It's so weird.
ChandlerYeah, well, she's probably talking to Richard.
PhoebeWould you stop that! You wanna know the first thing she said when she came back from her lunch with Richard? She didn't feel anything for him. She loves you!
PhoebeYes! Now, she feels terrible! She really wants to make up! You gotta find her.
ChandlerOk. (He gets up and goes to find her.)
PhoebeGood. (After he leaves, she puts on Joey's gladiator helmet and checks herself out in the mirror) I should really start wearing hats! Caesar's Palace Casino, Chandler is looking for Monica while Tom Jones's signature song is playing in the background (Getting the theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne Newton, casinos... They're in Vegas people! Catch up!) {It's Not Unusual} "It's not unusual ought to be loved by anyone! It's not unusual to have fun with anyone! But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it's not unusual wow to see me cry! I wanna die." Well, while that's playing he spots Monica playing craps and in victory hugging the guy next to her. Chandler turns and walks out. That same plane cabin, Ross is working on a crossword puzzle and Rachel is asleep against his shoulder. She shifts a little bit and Ross suddenly gets an idea. An evil idea when he looks at his pen. Then we have a little time lapse, the plane has landed and everyone is disembarking. The flight attendant is saying bye-bye to everyone. The Flight Attendant(to another passenger) Welcome to Las Vegas.
(Rachel approaches and we see the fruits of Ross's evil plan. He has drawn a moustache and beard on Rachel. The flight attendant just ignores it.)
The Flight Attendant(To Rachel) Thank you! (Not sure of herself) Enjoy your flight?
RachelYes, I did. Thank you very much, it was excellent. (Disembarks)
The Flight Attendant(To Ross) Hope you had a nice flight.
RossOhh, it was the best! The casino, Ross and Rachel are entering. RossI think the check-in is that way. (Points)
(A young boy sees Rachel, points, and starts laughing.)
RachelHello! (She makes a face and the kid laughs harder. Finally, his parents drag him off.) Ohh, kids love me.
Phoebe(sees Ross and Rachel) Hey!
RossPhoebe! (They hug.)
PhoebeYou guys are here! Yay!
RachelHi! (Hugs Phoebe)
Phoebe(sees Rachel's face) What you did? What- you go to a costume party? All right, let me guess, umm Pancho Villa? (Points at Ross) and you're Bob Saget. (An old lady has sat down at the slot machine Phoebe was just at.)
RachelPancho Vila?
PhoebeYeah! (Motions to her face, indicating all of Rachel's "make-up.")
RachelWh- what're you talking about, Pheebs? (Takes out her compact) I don't... (She gasps when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.) (To Ross) Oh my God, you drew on me?!
RossHey, you wet my pants!
PhoebeWhoa, what kind of party was this?
RachelRoss, I 've been walking around like this since the plane! I can- you have so crossed a line. (Heads for the bathroom)
RossRach! Wait! The men's room is that way. (Points in the other direction. Rachel hits him with her purse and heads for the ladies room.)
(The old lady at Phoebe's machine wins. Phoebe turns around in shock.)
PhoebeThat's like the third time that lady's won on a machine I was playing.
RossOooohhh, I'll bet she's one of those people.
PhoebeM-M-Mole people?
RossWhat? No, no, a lurker.
PhoebeOh. What's a lurker?
RossOk, when you're playing a machine and it hasn't paid out, a lurker waits for you to give up and then...
PhoebeKills you?
RossNo. They swoop in and steal your jackpot.
PhoebeHow do you know about this?
RossMy nanny used to do it. Um-hmm, that's how she paid for all my dance- karate lessons.
PhoebeDance karate?
RossYes, it's a, deadly but beautiful sport. (Does a karate chop, then does a little dance-type sway.)
Rachel(returning with her purse covering her face) Ok, it won't come off!
RachelIt won't come off!
RossOh my God! Rach-Rach, are-are-are you sure?
RachelNo, actually I took it off and then I drew it back on.
RossRach, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sure we can get it off, ok?
RachelJust give me your pen.
Ross(starts looking for it) What? Why? What're you gonna do with it?
RachelWell I believe I'm going to stab you repeatedly.
PhoebeNot-not here. There are cameras everywhere.
Joey(entering) Hey-hey-hey you made it!
JoeyHi Ross! Hey-hey!
JoeyWho's your friend? He's hot! (Ross laughs and Rachel smacks him with her purse.)
Ross(To Joey) Thanks man.
RachelHi. (She hugs Joey.)
RossHey listen uh, I talked to Chandler, I'm sorry about the movie.
JoeyNo, don't be sorry. I don't need it anymore. I found my identical hand twin!
RossYour what?
JoeyMy identical hand twin! Yeah, the person whose hands are exactly like mine!
RachelWere you looking for this person?
Joey Not even. This thing is a gold mine!
RossWhat?! What- how- That's not gonna make you any money!
JoeyOk. Well, if that's how you feel about it, fine! None of you're gonna get to live with me in my great big hand-shaped mansion! Except uh, you, Pheebs. You can live in the thumb. The craps table, Monica is on a big roll. MonicaAll right baby, come on! (Rolls the dice) Yes! Yes! I am on fire!
Chandler(walking by with his luggage) See you later Mon.
MonicaWait Chandler, what're you doing?!
ChandlerWhat does it look like? I'm going home.
MonicaWhat? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads for the door and she chases after him.) Chandler! Chandler! Wait! I'm sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don't want me to see Richard again, I won't! He-he means nothing to me!
ChandlerOh come on! I was there! (He's propped up with his hand on a statute of a naked guy. He winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he's the love of your life.
MonicaNot any more.
MonicaReally! (They hug and kiss) All right? Let's forget about this going home stuff and start celebrating our anniversary. (She picks up his suitcase.) Ok, this is empty.
ChandlerYeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing. A blackjack table, it's the same one Joey's hand twin was working at, only he's not there anymore and has been replaced by a beautiful woman. Joey(entering) Uhh, hey. Uh where's the other guy?
The Woman DealerWhich guy?
JoeyHe's kinda tall, dark hair, hand looks exactly like this. (Holds up his hand.) See?
The Woman DealerI don't know about the hands, but the guy who was here before me just went to the restroom.
JoeyOk! (Walks away, then turns back.) How you doing?
The Woman DealerVery busy.
JoeyRight! Ok. (Heads for the bathroom.) Ross and Rachel's hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the phone to the company. Ross(on the phone) Yes, hello. I have a question. Umm, I used your pen to draw on my friend's face. (Listens) A beard and a moustache. (Listens and laughs) Thank you. (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) No, she didn't think so. (Listens) I know! It's like (turns and sees Rachel staring at him and quickly changes the subject) anyway, umm well make-up didn't cover it and we've tried everything to get it off and nothing's worked. I'm- What-what'd we do? (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Oh! Ok. (Listens) Ok, thank you! (Rachel gets excited at his tone.) (Hangs up the phone) Yeah, it's not coming off.
RachelWhat?! What else did he say?
RossUmm, he said he thought I was funny. So...(Rachel stares at him.) Ok, look-look umm, let's just go downstairs, we'll have some fun, and you will forget all about it.
RachelRoss, no! There is no way I am leaving this room looking like this!
RossOh, come on! Rach, it's-it's not that bad.
RachelRoss, I am a human doodle!!
RossLook, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn't mean you shouldn't have any fun! Ok? Besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you. Ok? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) There are tons... of... freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one will notice, I swear!
(They both exit.)
[Time lapse, they're both entering.]
RossOk, there was some staring and pointing.
RachelOk, I need a, I need a drink! (Makes a beeline for the mini-bar.)
RossOh, hey you know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. (Rachel glares at him.) But who cares?! Because it's all on me! (Rachel reaches into the fridge and pulls out two handfuls of those mini booze bottles.) (Watching her.) That is, one big drink!
Rachel(she's finished relieving the fridge of its entire alcohol content.) Macadamia nut?
Ross(looking at the price list) Umm... Wow! That's-that's some pricey nut!
RachelHm-mmm! (Opens the container)
RossReally like those Macadamia nuts, huh?
RachelNo! (She puts one in her mouth and spits it out, then does it again in another direction.) The casino, Phoebe is playing on a slot machine. Suddenly the lurker sticks her head around the aisle of slot machines. Phoebe(seeing her) Get out of here you lurker! (She doesn't move) Go on! Get! (She throws a quarter at her.)
Chandler(arm-in-arm with Monica) Hey Pheebs!
PhoebeOhh! You made up!
MonicaYeah, I couldn't be mad at him for too long.
ChandlerYeah, she couldn't live without the Chan Love. (They start kissing.)
PhoebeOhhh. Ok, get a room.
MonicaWe have one.
PhoebeI know. Use it. (Monica and Chandler walk off.) Bye, Chandler. Bye Mon. (goes and sits back down at the slot machine. As the lurker walks away, Phoebe kisses her quarter and makes sure no one sees her doing so. She puts it in the slot machine and pulls the handle.)
P.A. AnnouncerPheebs, Pheebs. Please pick up a house phone. (Phoebe gets up) You have a call from Chandler and Mon.
(Phoebe goes to and picks up one of the house phones. We see the old lady lurker hanging up the phone and leaving. Phoebe does not realize this.)
PhoebeHello, Chandler and Mon. (listens) Hello? (Phoebe then sees the old lady lurker taking her seat at the same exact slot machine she was just using.) (Gasps) Oh! (Phoebe hangs up the phone and runs after her.) You dirty lurker!!! (Phoebe starts to walk off but turns back.) Ooh, I'm-I'm sorry, you are the same old lady right? Yeah. Dirty lurker! (walks off) The Men's room, Joey is entering and sees his hand twin washing his hands. JoeyOhhh-yeah! (He grabs some towels and takes them to him.) That's right, you take good care of those babies!
Joey's Hand TwinExcuse me?
JoeyIt's me, Joey!
Joey's Hand TwinDo I know you?
Joey(holds up his hand) Joey!
Joey's Hand TwinOh-ho, yeah. Yeah, the, the hand guy.
JoeyAll right, ok, so, what're we gonna do about this hand twin thing?!
Joey's Hand TwinNothing?
JoeyLook, you and I have been given a gift. Ok? We have to do something with it like-like, hand modeling! Huh? Or-or magic! And you know NASA's gonna wanna talk to us!
Joey's Hand Twin(tries to leave) I 've to go back to work-
Joey(stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! We can have our own show! You know, we-we could clap our hands together people will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a song for us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No, wait, it's my hand!
Joey's Hand TwinThat-that's ok. (Walks out.)
Joey(following him) But you haven't even heard the chorus! Ross and Rachel's room, Ross is drinking a beer while Rachel is examining herself in the mirror. RachelOh my God, I'm starting to look like my great aunt, Muriel.
Ross(gets up) All right. You know what? We don't have to go downstairs! We can bring Vegas up to us! (He grabs a deck of cards and pulls up a chair.) All right, come on, come on, let's go, we'll-we'll play some blackjack. Here we go. (Deals the cards.) 13.
RachelHit me!
Ross(does so) Oohh, 23. (Rachel looks at him.) Which is what we play to at this casino! You win 10 dollars! (Holds out a ten.)
RachelI bet 20.
RossRight! (Gives her the twenty she won.) The Craps Table, Monica is still on her roll, only this time Chandler's with her and she has a huge crowd of people around. Monica(shaking the dice) New pair of shoes for the Chan-Chan man! (Rolls the dice.) Yes!
ChandlerYes! I've-I've never seen a roll like this in my life!
MonicaThat's right baby! Ok, what do I want now?
ChandlerOk, ah umm, ah, a 8. Ah, a 6?
MonicaPick a number! That is your only job!
Chandler8. 8!
MonicaThank you!
ChandlerOk, if you get this one, we buy everybody here a steak dinner!
AllHey hey!! Yay!!
The Croupier8!
Monica(To Chandler) We're not really gonna buy these people steak dinners are we?
MonicaOk, good! Ok, what do I want now?
ChandlerAhh, ooh, try a hard 8.
ChandlerTwo fours.
MonicaOk. (Rolls the dice)
The CroupierEight hard!
A Drunken Gambler(To Chandler) Don't you let her go! You're a lucky guy!
ChandlerThank you, Mister Drunken Gambler! Ok, you get this and uh, we get the biggest suite in the place! (Everyone cheers) Wait-wait-wait-wait! We (motions to Monica and him.) get the biggest suite in the place.
MonicaAll right, the biggest suite in the place. Come on! (Rolls the dice.)
Chandler(sees the roll) Yes!! I love you! I can't even remember what we were fighting about!
MonicaOh, that's 'cause I had lunch with Rich- Me neither! Ok, what do I want now?
ChandlerAnother hard 8.
MonicaHard 8?! We should call it easy 8!
ChandlerOk, ok, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; (pause) and we get married here tonight.
Drunken GamblerGo! Come on! Roll!
MonicaShut up!! It just got interesting! What did you just say?
ChandlerYou roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight.
MonicaAre you serious?!
ChandlerYes! I love you! I've never loved anybody as much as I love you.
MonicaI've never loved anybody as much as I love you.
ChandlerOk, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must've been some movie I saw.} What do you say?
AllOk! Come on! Let's go! Hard eight!
(She rolls the dice, but one bounces out of the table.)
Chandler(spots one) Ok! That's a four! And where-where's the other one?
Drunken GamblerIt went under the table.
MonicaNobody move! (To Chandler) Ok, you look that way; I'll look this way!
ChandlerAll right!
(He searches to his right; she searches to her left. They're both on their hands and knees when they spot the die. It's propped up against the table leg, and it's not lying flat. Both the four and the five are showing.)
ChandlerHere it is! Here it is!
MonicaThat could be a four or a five. It's your call.
ChandlerIt's a four.
MonicaI think so too.
(Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This time I think it's Perry Como, but I'm not sure. It's "Everybody loves somebody, sometime; Everybody falls in love somehow; Something in your kiss, just told me; my sometime, is now.) The slot machines, Phoebe is still feeding quarters into the one-armed bandit as the lurker peeks over the top of the machines. PhoebeOh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her in the act.) That's it! You and me, outside!
The LurkerI don't want to see you lose a chunk of that pretty blond hair!
(They start smacking each other's cups, but Phoebe notices a security guard approaching.)
PhoebeBe cool! (They both pretend to have a nice conversation as the guard walks by, but after he leaves they both start fighting again.) Ok lady, your lurking days are over!
The LurkerWhat?!
PhoebeYeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk first! You move on to someone else, I'm gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I'll be on your ass every hour of every day 'til Monday, 'cause that's when I go home. When do you leave?
The LurkerAlso Monday.
PhoebeWhat time? Maybe we can share a cab! Ross and Rachel's room, they've pretty much consumed the entire mini-bar. Needless to say, they're feeling no pain and are still playing blackjack. RachelHit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (She slows down with each one.)
Ross(runs out of cards) We need more cards.
RachelYeah, and we also need more umm, drinks. Hold on a second. (Gets up but stumbles a little bit.) Whup, ok. (She makes it to the phone and picks it up, without dialing.) Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and you know what else? We would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial!
(They both start laughing. There's a knock on the door.)
RossThat must be our alcohol and beers! (Gets up to answer it.)
RossOhh, it's Joey! I love Joey! (Hugs him.)
RachelOhh, I love Joey! Oh, Joey lives with a duck! (Goes and hugs Joey.)
JoeyAll right. Ok, look-look-look you guys, I need some help! Ok? Someone's gotta help me convince my hand twin to cooperate!
RossI'll do it. Hey, whatever you need me to do, I'm your man. (He starts to sit down on the bed. There's one problem though, he's about two feet to the left of it. Needless to say, he misses and falls on his butt.) (Looking up at Joey.) Whoa-oh-whoa! Are you, are you ok?
JoeyYeah! Fine! Thanks! (He starts to leave, but gets an idea and stops.) Hey Rach, how you doing?
RachelI'm doing good, baby. How you doing?
JoeyRoss, don't let her drink anymore! (Exits)
RossOhh, here's that Macadamia nut!
Ross(he puts it in his mouth) No! Something else. (Throws it back under the bed.)
RachelOops! All right, so what do you wanna do now?
RossI wanna get out of the room! I mean, you know, I...I really miss downstairs.
RachelMmm. Ok, you know what? There's only one way I am leaving this hotel room.
[Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on Rachel is walking arm in arm with an equally drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through the casino and greeting people on their way through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose colored in, along with his name on his forehead.]
RossWell hello! I'm Ross!
RachelGood luck to ya!
RossExcuse me sir, you got a little something right there. (He points to the corner of his mouth and they both laugh.)
(They've made their way to the statue of the naked man that Chandler was leaning against earlier.)
Ross(bowing) Hello!
Rachel(bowing) Hello!
Ross and Rachel(bowing) Hello!
(They both continue on and Ross meows like a cat.) The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times. This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past the lurker's position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins. PhoebeI won! I won! I finally won!
The LurkerI won! That was my quarter!
PhoebeAll right, here. (gives her a quarter) Take a hike, toot!
(The security guard approaches.)
The Lurker(to the guard) Excuse me, sir! This lady played my quarter, this is my money. (Motions to the jackpot.)
The Security Guard(To Phoebe) Is that true miss?
Phoebe(quietly) Sells drugs to kids.
The Security GuardWhat?!
PhoebeShe sells drugs to kids. (The guard looks at the lurker.)
The LurkerIt was my quarter!
The Security Guard(To Phoebe) Was it her quarter?
PhoebeHow about we talk about this over dinner?
The Security GuardOk lady, you're outta here.
PhoebeNo! No, you can't arrest me! No!! I won't go back! I won't go back to that hell-hole!!
The Security GuardI'm just taking you outside!
PhoebeOh, ok. (Walks out.) The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering. MonicaOk, come on, I can't get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.
ChandlerOk, all right, all right, all right! Ok! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Ok, here's something, here's something blue and new.
MonicaYou're so efficient. I love you!
ChandlerLet's go! (Starts to leave.)
MonicaNo-no-no! We need something old!
ChandlerOk, I have a condom in my wallet that I've had as of I was twelve.
MonicaThat'll work!
ChandlerI don't think so.
MonicaOk, now we just need something borrowed!
Chandler(looks around) Here just... take this. (Hands her the sweater.)
MonicaIt's stealing!
ChandlerWe'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.
(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)
MonicaOhh. (Rubs her fake stomach.)
ChandlerOk, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.) A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to try and get his hand twin (who's dealing) to join him in his million-dollar idea. Joey(sitting down) Ahhh! (Slides his hands across the table.)
Joey's Hand TwinAre you gonna play?
JoeyNo-no, I don't really have any money. Not yet, anyway... (Shakes his hands.)
Joey's Hand TwinYou can't sit here if you're not gonna play.
Joey(throws down a small wad of money, and as his hand twin starts to unfold it, Joey once again brings attention to their special gift to the world. You know, looking at it now, they really don't have that similar of hands. Joey's are bigger.) Ooh-ho-ho! (The dealer stares at him and he stops.)
Phoebe(entering and sitting down at the table.) Hello. My name is Regina Phalange. I'm a businesswoman in town on business. Would you like to see my card? (Looks down) Ooh, what did I do with my Filofax? I must've left it in conference room B.
Joey's Hand Twin(To Joey) 14.
JoeyHit me! (He does so.)
PhoebeOh my God! May I just say, that you two gentlemen have the exact same hands! Uh, they're identical! Now, I've never seen anything like that in the business world.
Joey's Hand TwinStop it!
JoeyUhh, Ms. Phalange, may I ask you a question as an impartial person at-at this table?
Joey's Hand TwinPlease stop it!
JoeyWouldn't you pay good money to see these identical hands showcased in some type of a uh, entertainment venue?
Joey's Hand Twin(To Joey) If you leave now, I will chop off my hand and give it to you!
(The security guard from before approaches and Phoebe tries to turn her back on him.)
The Security Guard(To Phoebe) Didn't I just throw you outta here?
PhoebeNo, you threw out Phoebe. I'm Regina Phalange. Phalange!
The Security GuardCome on, lady! (Starts to escort her out.)
Joey's Hand TwinPlease, please take him too. (Motions to Joey.)
JoeyMe?! Oh come on, man! Don't-don't let him do this! Come on! (Being dragged out by the guard) I'm your hand twin!! A Little White Chapel, Chandler and Monica are entering. ChandlerHello! One marriage please!
MonicaYeah, we wanna get married!
The AttendantWell, there's a service in progress. Have a seat.
Chandler and MonicaAll right.
(They both sit down.)
Chandler(singing) Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum!
MonicaWhat're you doing?
ChandlerOh, that's The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out?
MonicaNo, only because that's the graduation song.
(The real Wedding March begins playing from behind the closed doors of the chapel.)
ChandlerOk! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married!
MonicaAre you sure you wanna do this?
(Suddenly the doors burst open, and Ross and Rachel come out arm-in-arm and Rachel's carrying a bouquet! They got married!)
RossHello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.)
RachelWell, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.)
(They storm out into the street.)
RachelWait! (Gets her bearings) Ok!
(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck as The King's (Elvis Presley to the youngs) Viva, Las Vegas begins to play. Fade to Black.)

Part I Written by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen, Part II Written by Greg Malins & Scott Silveri; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp