The Wedding Chapel, continued from last season. Chandler and Monica are about to get married. ChandlerOk! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands)
MonicaAre you sure you wanna do this?
(Suddenly the doors burst open, and Ross and Rachel come out arm-in-arm! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet! They got married!)
RossHello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.)
RachelWell, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.)
(They storm out into the street. She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck.)
MonicaWhoa!
ChandlerOh my God!
Joey(entering with Phoebe) Come on Pheebs! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
PhoebeOk! Ok! (They run into the chapel.)
(Chandler and Monica are stunned again.)
ChandlerOh my God! Is everybody getting married?!
(Phoebe and Joey run back out and head towards the street.)
Attendant(scolding them) No running in the chapel!
Phoebe(to her) Hey! Don't you give me any of your- Hey! (Sees Chandler and Monica standing there.)
ChandlerHey!
JoeyHey!
MonicaWhat're you guys doing here?
JoeyRoss and Rachel left us a message saying they were getting married! Isn't that why you guys are here?
ChandlerYes! Well that- yes.
MonicaWhy else would we be here?
JoeyWell! What happened?! Did we miss it?
ChandlerWe actually missed it.
PhoebeWell, maybe you wouldn't have if you could (turns to the attendant) run in the chapel!
MonicaI can't believe Ross and Rachel got married.
JoeyI know! I didn't even know they were dating again.
ChandlerWell, I don't think they are as much dating as they are two bottles of vodka walking around in human form.
MonicaThis is insane!
PhoebeWhat's the big deal, you know? It's not like it's a real marriage.
ChandlerWhat?!
PhoebeYeah, if you get married in Vegas, you're only married in Vegas.
MonicaWhat're you talking about? If you get married in Vegas you're married everywhere.
Phoebe(shocked) Really?!
MonicaYeah!
PhoebeOh my God! (pauses) Eh! Well...
([Friends Easter Egg - Arquette] Why do all six actors in Friends have a second last name Arquette? Courteney Cox was having trouble deciding whether to add Arquette to her name when she got married to David Arquette. They (including the creators of the show) all added it to their names to show that they supported her.) Rachel's hotel room, she's waking up with a horrendous hangover. RachelHmmm. Ohhh. (Looks in the mirror and sees that she still has her mustache and groans.)
(Suddenly, there's movement beside her, startling her. It's Ross! He wakes up and they both start screaming in terror. Then they both grab their heads having aggravated their hangovers.)
RossWhy're we in bed together?
RachelI don't know.
RossDid we?
Rachel(interrupting) I don't know. Do-do you have any, do you have any clothes on?
Ross(checks) Yes.
RachelReally?!
RossNo! But we-we didn't have... sex-uh, did we? I mean, I don't remember much about... last night, it was such a blur.
RachelOh! I remember laughing! I laughed a lot.
RossAnd we didn't have sex.
(Rachel agrees with him as a brief pause ensues.)
RachelWell so, what-what did we do last night?
(A brief pause)
RossI don't know, but I think it was a lot of fun.
(Both laugh.)
RachelYeah. Luckily, not too much fun... right?
RossOhhh, I don't think so.
RachelOh, thank God. (Gets out of bed) Ohh. Ohh, I mean, we were really drunk. I'm just glad we didn't do anything stupid.
Ross(getting up) Tell me about it. (He sits up on the edge of the bed and has "Just Married" written on his back.) The breakfast buffet, Phoebe is already sitting at the table as Joey enters. JoeyMorning Pheebs. (Sits down.) Well, my movie has been officially canceled.
PhoebeHmm, Joey, I'm so sorry. You want some of my breakfast?
JoeyNah, I'm too depressed to eat. I'll probably eat in like... 5 minutes. So, I guess I'll just fly home with you guys, what time's your flight?
PhoebeWhat about my cab?
JoeyI don't need that anymore.
PhoebeNo, Joey! You borrowed my cab; you have to drive it back.
JoeyI don't wanna drive all the way back by myself because it's so lonely. (Gets an idea.) Oh-ooh! How about if you come with me?
PhoebeI don't know, it's such a long trip.
JoeyIt'll be great! We-we could talk, and-and play games! Huh? This could be our chance to like, renew our friendship.
PhoebeAre you asking me to have a frenaissance?
JoeySure?
PhoebeAll right. Although I don't think we really need one, baby, I never stopped loving you.
(Chandler and Monica enter.)
ChandlerHi!
JoeyHey.
MonicaHey.
ChandlerSo, has anyone talked to Dr. and Mrs. Geller yet?
PhoebeUm-hmm, yeah. They left me a message; they should be here any minute.
JoeyWhere is the waitress?! I'm starving!
ChandlerIt's a buffet man.
JoeyOh, here's where I win all my money back! (Gets up and heads for the buffet table with Chandler in tow.)
ChandlerListen, I gotta talk to you.
JoeySure! What's up? (He grabs a plate and proceeds to load it with a huge pile of scrambled eggs. Chandler just stares at him and Joey reluctantly gives him a spoonful.)
ChandlerMonica and I almost got married last night.
JoeyMy God! That's huge! Hey-hey! (Hugs him.) Wait a minute, why wasn't I invited? And who was gonna be your best man? Don't say, "Ross." Do not say, "Ross."
ChandlerI just don't think that Monica and I are ready to get married yet! You know? I mean, I love her and everything but seeing Ross and Rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so fast. You know? And, how do I tell her without crushing her?
JoeyOh! Tell her she's not marriage material.
ChandlerWhat?!
JoeyGirls say it to me all the time! And believe me, if she's anything like me, she's just gonna be relieved.
[Pan to Monica and Phoebe having the same conversation.]
MonicaHow do I tell Chandler that it's too soon. I mean it's gonna break his heart, he's just gonna think that I don't love him anymore.
PhoebeWell you don't.
MonicaYes I do!
PhoebeGood! Good! I was just testing you.
Chandler(returning with Joey) Hi.
MonicaOh hi! Hi! You know, we were just talking about bacon.
PhoebeNo, we were talking about tennis. Tennis is more believable.
(Ross and Rachel enter.)
RossHey!
Phoebe & ChandlerHey!
MonicaHi!
(They both sit down and Rachel pours them both some coffee. They're acting like nothing's happened and everyone is just staring at them.)
RossWhat?
ChandlerAre we gonna talk about what you guys did last night? Or...
Rachel(Glances at Ross) (To the gang.) What do you mean last night? Nothing, nothing uh, nothing happened last night.
RossUh-huh, yeah.
PhoebeUh-huh! Ross invited us all to watch.
(Rachel turns to Ross stunned.)
Rachel(slightly hits Ross) What is the matter with you?!
MonicaRach! We weren't gonna miss our friends getting married!
Rachel(gasps) Who got married?! (Ross is as surprised to hear this as she is.)
Chandler(not quite sure) You did.
RossWhat?! Wh- Hello! We didn't get married.
RachelNo, we didn't get married! That's ridiculous!
(They turn to look at each other and suddenly remember that they did in fact get married.)
RossWe-we-we- I remember being in a chapel.
RachelOh my.
RossWe did- They would not let us get married when we were that drunk!
RachelNo!
JoeyThey let you get married when you're drunk! Most people who get married in Vegas are drunk!
PhoebeHell, I'm drunk right now! (They all turn and look at her.) What? I can't have a mimosa with breakfast?! I'm on vacation!
MonicaWhat're you guys gonna do?
RachelWell, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer? (Looks at Ross.)
ChandlerWell, I think, I think, Ross already has one.
MonicaYeah-yeah. That guy's finally gonna be able to put in that pool. (Both Chandler and her laugh.)
RossOk.
ChandlerNow, this one's free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so you get the third one for free.
RossLaugh it up, but the joke's on you. Because we don't need to get divorced, ok? We we're just gonna get an annulment.
JoeyAn annulment? Ross! I don't think surgery's the answer here.
PhoebeOh, oh, that's your thing.
RossWhat?
PhoebeYour thing. Your thing. You know? That you're the guy who gets divorced.
AllOh yeah!
RossNo-no, that's-that's not my thing! I do not love getting divorced!
PhoebeYes you do! This is your third divorce! Huh, you love divorce so much you're probably gonna marry it! Then it won't work out so you're gonna have to divorce it, divorcing guy. (Pause) I'm so drunk. The casino floor, Chandler and Monica are walking through it. ChandlerYou wanna play some Pai gow?
MonicaMaybe. But I-I kind of think we should talk about last night.
ChandlerThat's a good idea. Because I-I-I wanna talk about last night too... and I don't know what Pai Gow is.
Monica I see. So, what do you think we should do?
ChandlerI don't know. But I-I-I know I love you!
MonicaI know I love you! (They hug.)
ChandlerSo where are we, on the whole going back to the place where they have all the marriages thing? I love you.
MonicaThat-that's a good question. Umm, well, last night we let the dice decide. Maybe we should leave it up to fate again. I love you!
ChandlerYes, we don't get married unless there's a sign! Ok, so say uh, say you roll another eight (motions to the craps table) then there's a definite sign, that we should get married.
MonicaAll right, eight we get married, but 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12, we don't get married.
ChandlerSounds great.
MonicaOk. (They approach the craps table.)
CrouplerHey, we got a shooter! Money place.
MonicaReady?
ChandlerReady!
Monica(sarcastic) Come on eight.
Chandler(deadpan) Yes, yes eight.
(Monica rolls the dice.)
CrouplerEight! Easy eight. (She rolls a 3 and a 5 and they're stunned.)
MonicaWow! I can't believe I actually rolled an eight.
ChandlerThat was so unlikely. Well, let's get married! I guess.
MonicaThat wasn't a hard eight! Last night I rolled a hard eight.
ChandlerThat's right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damn it! Uh!
MonicaUh! I wanted it so bad! (Pause) you wanna go pack?
ChandlerYeah. (They go pack.) We're doing the right thing, right?
MonicaOhh, of course we are! (They walk up to the elevators.) We left it up to fate. (Pushes the elevator button.) If we were supposed to get married there would be a clear-cut sign. (The elevator door opens to a priest reading from a bible with Chandler and Monica standing side-by-side holding each other's hands.) Phoebe's cab, Phoebe and Joey are driving back. Phoebe is driving while Joey is sleeping. PhoebeOk, you have 19 questions left. Use them wisely. (Joey groans.) Come on Joey! You can't win if you don't ask any (sees that he's asleep) QUESTIONS!!
Joey(wakes up) What?!
PhoebeWell, you promised me a fun road trip! And we've been on the road for six hours and you've been asleep for five and a half! We are switching at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all the way back! That will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper!
JoeyAll right. All right.
PhoebeYeah! And, until then you are going to sing to me, because the radio's broken and you are selfish, but you have a nice voice.
JoeyReally? I don't...
PhoebeSing!
Joey(starts singing) I... I wanna rock and roll all night! (Falls asleep.)
[Time lapse, Phoebe is asleep, Joey's driving and having a hard time staying awake.]
Joey(to himself) Man, this is a long drive! Are my eyes open? No! (He opens his eyes and sees a hitchhiker.)
[Time lapse, Phoebe was still asleep only Joey now passed out next to her and the car's still moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.]
Hitchhiker(driving) Morning! (Phoebe screams again.) Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters. RossHey!
RachelHey, hubby!
RossYeah. Yeah, actually um, I wanted to talk to you about that whole annulment thing?
RachelUh-huh.
RossYeah, I'm not gonna do that. (Rachel glares at him.)
Rachel(Laughs) Ok! So, we'll just stay married.
RossYes, exactly!
RachelAnd I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller!
RossWow! This is so amazing. I uh, I really thought I'd have to talk you into this more.
RachelOk, see now I'm scared because I don't actually think you're kidding.
RossI'm-I'm not kidding. Look, I-I, I can't have three failed marriages. I can't. Ok? I-I am not gonna be that guy! Ok? No, no. That is not gonna be "my thing"!
RachelWhat-wh-what so we'll just stay married forever?!
RossI don't know. (Rachel gasps.) I mean, I haven't worked it all out, yet but.. look, ok, I know it's a bit crazy-
RachelYeah-huh!
RossOk, look, how is this going to affect you? Really? I mean, you fill some form out once in a while and instead of checking the box that says Ms., you check the box that says Mrs.! It's right next to it!
RachelOhh, ok, I'm sorry. You're right. You know what? We absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away from each other.
RossNo they're right...
RachelRoss! Oh! Ok, all right, just, please, take a moment here and think about what you're asking of me, ok?
RossI'm asking you to do me a favor.
RachelYou are asking me to be your wife!
RossAnd as my wife I think you should grant me this favor. We did make vows.
Rachel(frustrated) Aw! The hallway, Chandler is helping Monica to the door. MonicaThat kid kicked me really hard on the plane.
ChandlerWell, you did pull his hair.
MonicaHe took my snack!
ChandlerI'm not getting even this again!
MonicaOk! Aw God, you know what? It hurts really bad.
ChandlerWell, I told you not to walk. Here. (Picks her up.) There, there, ok. (He opens the door, carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out, and lets go of Monica who is only holding on by his neck.)
MonicaThis doesn't mean anything, does it?
ChandlerNo!
MonicaOk. Phoebe's cab, she's driving, Joey's in the back seat, and the hitchhiker is riding up front with Phoebe. Phoebe(To Joey) How could you pick up a hitchhiker?! He could be a rape- (She holds her hand in front of the hitchhiker's face), a rapist or a killer or something!
JoeyDon't you think I asked him that before he got in?!
PhoebeYou know what? I'm not talking to you! You go back to sleep! (To the hitchhiker) And you, are you a rapist?!
HitchhikerNo!
PhoebeDo you like car games?
HitchhikerYeah, you know, the uh, license plate game?
PhoebeI love the license plate game!
JoeyOoh, I'll play! I'll play!
PhoebeNo-no! You need your sleep. Night-night! Shh! (She closes the partition.) Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering. RossHey!
RachelHey!
RossListen, I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea, that may make you wanna stay married. (Rachel shakes her head.) We register, and you get to keep all the presents!
Rachel(thinks about it for a second) No! Ross, come on! No! Listen, look, I thought a lot about how to tell you this and umm... Actually, I came up with an analogy about a little goldfish in a pond that freezes over in the winter but then I realized that was more of a story about what to do when people pick on you. So I'm gonna actually save that one for my children's book.
RossRach?
RachelYeah.
RossWhat's up?
RachelOh sorry. Ok, the bottom line, Ross, is we can not stay married.
RossI don't know if that's true.
RachelOh b-b-but it is!
RossOh, ok, you know what this is? This is a difference of opinion. And when that happens in a marriage...
RachelOh Ross, come on! This is not, this is not a marriage! This is the world's worst hangover! Ross, listen, if you do not get this annulment, I will!
RossAll right. All right, I'll do it.
RachelThank you. (He goes to leave.) Hey-hey umm, uh, is there, is there any such thing as an annulment shower?
(Ross turns and leaves.) Phoebe's cab, it's the same arrangement as before. HitchhikerOh, wait, wait! There is the train station! This is where I get off. Well, I have your address and phone number.
PhoebeAnd I have your name and the fact that you're a drifter, so the ball's pretty much in your court.
HitchhikerAll right, see you Pheebs. (Gets out and Phoebe drives away.)
JoeyCome on, Pheebs! I can't take this anymore! Please talk to me! Let-let me make it up to you. Huh? (Starts singing.) Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on! {Chandler sang the same song in 519} {"Space Oddity" is a song written and performed by David Bowie and released as a music single in 1969. [Wiki | Lyrics]}
PhoebeStop it! Stop it! No! That's not fair! You know I can't resist that beautiful voice!
JoeyPheebs, look, I am so sorry! I know I promised you a fun road trip with your friend and I didn't deliver. Ok? But-but-but now I know that you think being awake is an important part of friendship! So, so, so I will strive to-to stay awake for as long as I know you.
PhoebeYou can still like, sleep at night and stuff.
JoeyThank you. So, can we play 20 Questions now? I got a really good one! I've been thinking about it since Kansas.
PhoebeOk. Is it, a kind of hot sandwich?
JoeyYes.
PhoebeIs it a meatball sub?
JoeyThat is incredible! You are the master! Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there and Rachel is arranging a bouquet of flowers sees a bug and throws the bouquet over her head, and those you who are quicker than someone already know that Monica is the one who catches it. MonicaEnough already!
ChandlerWell you didn't have to catch them!
RachelHuh, that's funny. You look like you're gonna be the...
MonicaNo, don't say it! Don't even think it!
RachelAll right. Ok Chandler, enjoy your handful. (Exits.)
ChandlerAll right, should we just, should we just get married? You know? I mean should we just do it? All the signs are telling us to do it.
MonicaI'm sick of the signs! It's too fast, I'm happy the way things are!
ChandlerMe too!
MonicaI don't want things to change! Do you?
ChandlerNo!
MonicaAll right then, then nothing changes! Everything is great! Everything stays the same! And you go unpack because it's been three days and it's driving me insane!
ChandlerJeez, relax! It's not like we're mar-ah-ah! (Runs out.)
Chandler(entering, slowly) You know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?
MonicaThen all your stuff would be here.
ChandlerWell, what if all my stuff was here?
MonicaThen you'd be going back and forth all the time, I mean, it doesn't make any sense.
ChandlerOk. What if we live together and you understand what I'm saying?
MonicaLive together? There've been no signs for that.
ChandlerMe asking is kind of a sign.
MonicaYES!
ChandlerOk!
(And the crowd goes wild! Well, at least the live studio audience.)
MonicaYes! Ok! Ok! Wait-wait-wait!
ChandlerOk.
MonicaHere's your key (Gets him one.)
ChandlerOk.
MonicaHere's your key. All right, you have to christen it! Now, go out and then come back in!
ChandlerThe door hasn't been locked in five years, but ok! (Runs out.) Ready?!
MonicaReady!
(He tries, but something happens.)
ChandlerOk, a little problem. The key broke in the lock and I can't get in!
MonicaWait! Oh my God! I can't get out!
ChandlerThis is not a sign!
MonicaNo, it's not a sign! It's a very old key!
ChandlerIt's an old key!
MonicaOh my God it's old!
ChandlerI love you!
MonicaI love you!
ChandlerAre you hugging the door right now.
(Pause)
MonicaNo.
ChandlerYeah-yeah, me neither. Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch as Ross enters. RossHey!
RachelHey, so, did everything go all right with the uh, annulment?
RossOh, yeah, no problems. It's all taken care of.
RachelRoss, thank you. Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie?
RossOh yeah, why not?
RachelPheebs?
PhoebeNo, thanks, I've already seen one.
RachelOk, umm, I'm gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.)
RossOk. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You wanna, you wanna hear something weird?
PhoebeAlways.
RossI didn't get the annulment.
PhoebeWhat?!
RossWe're still married! Don't tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.) The hallway, Joey is coming up the stairs and sees Chandler trying to open the lock. JoeyWhat're you doing?
ChandlerThe key's stuck in the lock.
JoeyI can fix it. Hold on. (He goes and gets a screwdriver from his apartment) Watch out, watch out. (Pries at the door a little bit.)
Chandler(trying the handle) Yeah it still doesn't work.
JoeyI'm not finished.
ChandlerOh.
(Joey goes back into the apartment, runs back into the hallway, throws his shoulder against the door, and knocks it down off its hinges.)
ChandlerNice job Joe! You're quite the craftsman.
(Joey pats him on the stomach and heads to his apartment.)

Written by Adam Chase; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp