Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there except for Rachel and Ross, who both come storming in. Rachel is still going off about Ross's secret marriage.
RachelWh- I cannot believe that you didn't tell me we are still married!
RossLook, I was going to tell you!
RachelWhen?! After the birth of our first secret child?! (To All) Ross didn't get the annulment; we are still married.
Phoebe(overdoing it) Oh my God!!
RossOk, maybe it wasn't my best decision. But I just couldn't face another failed marriage.
ChandlerOk, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?
RossRach, come on, if-if you think about it, it's actually kind of funny. (He laughs, and he laughs alone.) Ok, maybe it's best not to think about it.
PhoebeOk, this is inexcusable. I am shocked to my very core!
RossPhoebe, I told her you already knew.
PhoebeAnother lie. You have a sickness!
ChandlerRoss, just for my own piece of mind, you're not married to anymore of us are ya?
RossLook, Rach, I-I was going to tell you. I just wanted to do it, um, you know, my own way.
RachelAhh yes, silently, with no words.
Joey(gets up and heads for the kitchen) Hey-hey-hey-hey...Hey!...Hey! Look, in Ross' defense, ok.. (tries to think of something but can't so he just goes for the refrigerator.)
Central Perk, Joey and Monica are at the counter getting some more coffee.
JoeyOh! Hey, somebody left their keys. (Looks at them) Ooohh, to a Porsche! (Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to their Porsche behind? If I had a Porsche, I'd have the keys surgically attached to my hand!) Hey Gunther, these're yours?
GuntherYeah, that's what I drive. I make four bucks an hour, I've saved up for 350 years!
JoeyNa-uh! (To everyone there) Hey did anybody lose their keys?
MonicaJoey, why don't you put 'em in the lost and found?
JoeyThere's a lost and found? (Gunther sets the box up on the table.) My shoe! (Grabs it out of the box.)
ChandlerYou left a shoe here?!
JoeyWell, I didn't realize until I got home. I wasn't gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! You know what? I'm gonna go find that guy's car and leave a note on the windshield. (Goes to do so.)
ChandlerOh good, when he comes back for his keys, I'll be sure to give him your shoe.
JoeyGreat! Thanks. (Exits.)
Phoebe(coming in from the bathroom) Oh, good, good, you guys are here! Listen, how would you like to spend tomorrow taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?!
MonicaMy God, this's- what a fun day! That sounds great!
Chandler(not enthused) Yeah, all right.
PhoebeOk, well I'll bring them by tomorrow morning. Ok, and uh, by the way, they're not actually puppies, they're Frank and Alice's triplets. Ok, see ya! (Exits.)
Phoebe(stops) Please! Please! Please! Please! Oh please! Please! Frank and Alice asked me to babysit the triplets and I'm nervous 'cause I've never done that before by myself!
MonicaAll right, don't worry about it, if you- we'll absolutely do it.
ChandlerYeah, I'm gonna pass. 'Cause I was kind of iffy when it was puppies.
MonicaCome on Chandler, come on! It'll give us great practice for when- (realizes what she's about to say and changes) people with babies come to visit.
(A car alarm goes off.)
Joey(running past the window) The wrong car!
Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are having tea.
RachelSo, I still have boxes here. I still have boxes at Ross's, and I have nowhere to live! Wow. I could so easily freak out right now.
PhoebeWhat about me? I just found out that Denise is leaving town for a while, I don't have a roomie.
RachelWell, huh maybe-maybe I could be your roommate Pheebs.
PhoebeMaybe you could be my roommate!
RachelWell there's an idea!!
RachelThat would be great! Wait, how long is Denise gone for?
PhoebeUmm, she said she'd be back December 26th.
RachelOh! December 26th, huh, maybe she's Santa Claus.
(Phoebe laughs, then stops to think about it. Ross enters.)
Rachel(deadpan) Oh look who it is, my husband. The apple of my eye.
RossOk, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2:00 and I picked up all the forms. I'll take care of everything.
RachelWell sure, if you say you're gonna take care of everything I have no reason to doubt you. Give me those forms! (Grabs them from him.) All right, now I'm gonna do this my way and I don't wanna hear a peep out of you!
RossOk Rach, but...
RachelOp! You're peeping!
(Ross grunts something and hands her the pen he was trying to hand her.)
RachelRoss! You know what, I just got- why? Why did you do this?!
RossLook, I told you...
RachelI don't wanna hear "Three failed marriages!"
RossLook, if you'd had two failed marriages, you'd understand!
RachelWell, you know what? Thanks to you I'm half way there! Ugh! Oh! I am so mad! Ross, I don't think I have ever been this angry!
RossWhat about the time I said we were on a break?
RachelUgh! (Stares at him.)
The street down the block from Central Perk. Joey is walking between two parked cars and decides to go for the one in front. To make sure it's the right car, he slowly puts the keys he has for the car in the car door and it fortunately opens.
JoeyHo, ho, ho! (Starts to write a note).
Guy #1Nice car!
JoeyYeah, it's uh, not mine.
Woman(walking up) I love your car.
JoeyYeah, it's (looks up and sees the woman) mine.
WomanI bet it's fast.
JoeyMe too! Yeah. And comfortable. Do you uh, do you like leather seats?
Joey(checks in the window to make sure it has them) It's got 'em!
Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are babysitting the triplets. They each have one baby.
MonicaPheebs, how's it going?
Phoebe(rapidly) I'm doing ok. I think it's going well. Do you think they're having fun? Am I talking too fast?
MonicaNo, sound like me. Pheebs, this's going great. Look at Chandler with little baby girl Chandler.
ChandlerLittle baby girl Chandler, where I 've heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly smells something. It's times like these I'm glad Smell-O-Vision hasn't been invented.) You know what Pheebs? When you're done over there, we've got kind of a situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.)
PhoebeNa-uh, no, we are all responsible for our own babies.
ChandlerSee, that's where I think that you're wrong. You- We've been playing these babies man to man; we should really be playing a zone defense.
MonicaWhat do you mean?
ChandlerI just think, uh things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone, you know? Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And, you know Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around... (He degrades into baby talk, but he means when they grab his finger.)
PhoebeThat sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping.
ChandlerOk, I'm a rookie. I should not be in the end zone.
[Time lapse, they have set up a little assembly line for diaper changes. Phoebe wipes, Chandler adds the powder, begrudgingly, and Monica puts the diaper on.]
MonicaThis is so great! This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant.
PhoebeYeah? (Checking the final diaper) Well this is not what I ordered.
(Chandler picks up the baby unwillingly.)
Joey(entering) Hey guys!
JoeyHey babies! Oh, I'm having the best morning. That uh, that Porsche I've got the keys to, still there!
ChandlerShocking! Since you still have the keys.
JoeyYou should see the treatment I get when I'm with that car! People are friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! One guy gave me advice about my equity investments.
ChandlerWhat equity investments?
JoeyThe ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up? (Chandler wipes his forehead with a baby wipe that might have been used. He drops it disgustedly.) But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, they're gonna start to think that I don't own it. So, I figured I'll wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow?
MonicaOh yeah, I got, I got soap and sponges and rags and Carnuba wax and polishing compound.
ChandlerYou don't even have a car!
MonicaI know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car parked in front of the building, so I-I washed it.
MonicaAnd six others.
ChandlerThere you are.
The Porsche, Joey is finishing up washing the car and is talking to a guy about the car.
JoeyYeah, she tops out at 130.
JoeyAnd that's just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate.
Guy #2Really! You got a place upstate?
Guy #2Well, I'll see you later.
JoeyOk, take it easy.
The Porsche OwnerHey! That's my car.
JoeyReally? Oh uh, oh just give me five more minutes with it.
The Porsche OwnerWhat-what're you doing?
JoeyOh I-I uh, found the keys and now I'm just polishing her up.
The Porsche OwnerBut it's my car!
JoeyYeah, but it's my wax.
The Porsche OwnerListen, I-I-I don't come to the ci-city much, I don't know if you're crazy or if this is some kinda, street theater? but, could I have my keys?
JoeySure. Here. (He hands them over.) I'll uh, I'll save your park spot.
The Porsche OwnerI'm not coming back.
The Porsche OwnerI live upstate.
JoeyYeah, so did I.
(The guy gets in and drives off.)
Monica and Rachel's, the triplets are all in their crib as Monica and Phoebe watch them.
PhoebeI don't know why I was so nervous about this. And I don't know why Frank and Alice are always complaining. This is so easy.
MonicaYeah, two hours, a lifetime, that's the same.
Chandler(entering) Check it out! Check it out! When the babies wake up, they can meet Krog! (He holds up this Xena-like warrior action figure.)
MonicaChandler, what're you doing? That thing can put someone's eye out!
ChandlerHe can do more than that! He can destroy the universe!
PhoebeNo, Chandler, they could swallow one of those little parts! And also, look at his smooth area, that's just gonna mess them up.
MonicaIt's just not an appropriate toy for 1-year-olds. Or 30-year-olds.
ChandlerThey're not gonna swallow anything, you guys 've been way overprotective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass!
ChandlerGlass, sand, whatever. (Walks out as Monica and Phoebe turn to check on the babies again.)
PhoebeOh, look at little Leslie stretching in her sleep.
MonicaOh it's so cute. I wonder what age it is that you stop being able to put both legs behind your head.
PhoebeOh, I can still do that.
MonicaHow are you still single?!
Chandler(entering) All right. (Clears throat) I thought about it, maybe you're right. Maybe Krog is not a safe toy.
MonicaGood. What made you change your mind?
ChandlerI swallowed the sonic blaster gun.
PhoebeHow did that happen?!!
ChandlerWell, I was trying to prove that I was right. You know? And it turns out I was wrong and- now it's lodged in my throat. (Mimics a cat trying to cough up a hairball.) (He does it again.)
MonicaDamn it! You know this whole time we were concentrating on the babies and-and no one was watching Chandler! (He does it again.)
A judge's chambers, Rachel and Ross are filing their annulment papers.
JudgeOk, you two are asking the court for an annulment?
RachelYes your honor, and here're, are forms, all filled out.
JudgeSo, based on your petition, you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable?
RossFine, I'm mentally unstable.
JudgeAnd based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user.
RachelUh yes, heroin and crack.
RossCrack isn't even an intravenous drug!
RachelWell, you would know.
JudgeNow it also says here that you uh, lied about your sexual preference before marriage?
RossOh, come on!
Rachel(starts to cry) Ross, please, I found the magazines!
JudgeAnd finally, that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you're gay and addicted to heroin.
RossOk, you know- you know- this's- I'm sorry, this is insane! I-I-I'm not addicted to heroin, I'm not gay, and there is no problem with my ability to consummate anything! Look, I'll-I'll consummate this marriage right here, right now!
JudgeThat won't be necessary.
RossAnd when we were dating we consummated like bunnies!
JudgeNow if you two were involved in a serious relationship, that really creates a problem.
RachelRoss! Your honor, rest assured, that relationship ended like two years ago! (To the stenographer) And can you please strike "Consummated like bunnies" from the record?
JudgeIs there anything, in this record that is actually true?
RachelUh, well, yes, we uh, we got married in Vegas and uh, and the names, I think?
JudgeThat's not the way the legal system works. This process is based on an objective review of the facts, not of the lie.
JudgeIt doesn't work like that either.
RossOh, stop it.
JudgeWell, based on what I've heard, you two certainly don't qualify for an annulment. If you don't wanna be together you'll have to file for divorce.
Ross(stands up) That's great! You happy now? Look what you did with your funny, funny form!
Rachel(stands up as well) What?! Me?! What about you and your consummated like bunnies nonsense!
RossAnd what- (notices the stenographer is still typing) And what're you typing that for? See what she said? We don't get the annulment. Don't type that! What?! Stop typing! (He goes over to where the stenographer is typing and in the process pushes Rachel out of his way.) Hey! Stop typing! (He's still typing.) Stop typing, stop typing!
Rachel(to the judge) Ok, ok, do you see, do you see what you're keeping me married to?!
JudgeYou need to get out of my chambers.
RachelAll right, look, lady here is the deal, I came here for an annulment and I am not leaving here until I get one!
JudgeWould you like to spend the night in jail?
RachelHey thank you for your time. (They both beat a hasty retreat.)
Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is still doing the hairball thing as Monica and Phoebe are watching the babies. I can't describe it, you'll have to see it when it comes on in your area. In one instance, he drinks some water to help it move, which it doesn't.
Joey(entering wearing nothing but Porsche clothes) So the Porsche guy took his car back.
ChandlerBut you found the keys to his clothes?
JoeyNo. I just uh, I just loved the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.
MonicaAnd people will think you own a Porsche because you're wearing the clothes?
JoeyOf course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn't have the car! Right?
ChandlerThat is true.
PhoebeYeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.
JoeyOh, I've been there. Yeah, I am gonna go drive my Porsche. (Starts to leave.)
MonicaJoey, you know you don't actually have one.
JoeyCome on! What are you doing?! I'm in character! Will you talk to her?! (Storms out.)
ChandlerAhh, I think it just moved. It's really poking me.
MonicaAll right, that's it, we're going to the emergency room.
PhoebeWhat?! No, you can't, you can't leave me here with them! We're babysitting!
MonicaThe babies are asleep, I'm sure you'll be ok on your own for a while!
PhoebeBut you-you can't leave me with them! We-we're a team! We're playing a zone! They're gonna triple team me!
MonicaHe's got something plastic lodged into his throat, we've gotta go to the hospital.
PhoebeBut no, because a doctor won't be able to help him, it's just gonna you know naturally pass through his system in like seven years.
ChandlerI think that's gum.
PhoebeI'm pretty sure it's gun.
ChandlerOk, listen, this really hurts. Let's go.
PhoebeBut- no- uh- come- A real man wouldn't just run to the hospital! (They don't stop.) No! What would, what would Krog do? (They ignore her and Phoebe is left alone.)
The street, Joey is hanging out wearing his Porsche grab.
JoeyWhy isn't that valet back with my Porsche?
PasserbyMaybe because you've got the keys?
Joey(to women passing him) Porsche.
(Ross and Rachel approach, they're still yelling at each other.)
RachelThat is totally your fault!
RossMy fault?! You threatened the judge!
RachelWell, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter's machine!
RossThat was the only way I could get him to stop typing!
JoeyHi! How are the Gellers?
RachelDon't, call us, that! (Storms away)
RossThe judge wouldn't let us get an annulment! Now we gotta get a divorce! Did a Porsch throw up on you? (Walks on.)
JoeyHey! It's Porsche!! (He's right you know.)
Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is being triple teamed.
PhoebeMe taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Ok, I'm gonna take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Ok, after I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, I'll set you up with a nice clean one. (She throws it at the garbage without looking, misses, and knocks over a vase and flowers, which fall to the floor and break.) Ok, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Ok? 'Cause let's face it, we're at Monica's. (She crawls over, disposes of the diaper, picks up the flowers, and the vase.) I broke it. All right. Well, that's just the way things go. (She throws out both the flowers and the vase.) Ok, good. (She turns around and only counts two babies.) Why are there only two of you? Where is Leslie? Well, you can't answer. (She starts looking for her) Leslie? Where are you Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words! (She turns around and finds that Leslie has managed to crawl into the bottom drawer of the TV cabinet.) Well, look at you! Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh! (She picks her up and notices a surprise is waiting in the drawer.) Oh, you're a lot mischievous! Well, it'll dry. (Closes the drawer with her foot.) (To Leslie) Ok, you sit with your brother and sister now- who aren't there! (They both have disappeared as well.)
[Time Lapse, the babies are finally asleep. Good for Phoebe! The only problem is, Monica's apartment looks like a tornado, a hurricane, a swarm of locusts, fire, brimstone, hail, and giant man-eating, radioactive ants have torn the place apart. Needless to say, it's messy enough to cause Monica to die of shock right away. Parents with small
children know what I'm talking about.]
Phoebe(exhausted) How do you feel?
ChandlerWell, let's just say that Krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours. (The time for the sonic blaster gun to pass his digestive system.)
PhoebeOk, so I totally took care of the babies all by myself! I fed them, bathed them, and put them to bed.
ChandlerAnd protected them from a tornado?
(Monica enters and her jaw drops in horror.)
MonicaOh my God.
PhoebeI know, the babies are asleep.
MonicaPhoebe, what, what happened here?!
PhoebeI did it! I took care of the babies all by myself!
MonicaBut my apartment!
ChandlerWas the setting of Phoebe's triumph.
MonicaBut the mess!
ChandlerIs not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.
MonicaYou're right, you're right, I shouldn't freak out. 'Cause this is what's gonna be like when you and I have babies! When will that be?!
Chandler(pause) Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess!
Ross's apartment, Rachel is packing what she still has over there as Ross enters.
Rachel(deadpan) Oh honey thank God you're home, I was getting worried.
RossI picked up the divorce papers. Uh, I've already signed everything and I put little 'X's where you need to sign.
RachelOh, little 'X's! Great! That makes up for everything!
RossYou know, I-I- you've done a lot of stupid stuff too! Ok?
RachelOh, name one stupid thing that is as stupid as this one!
RossOk, how about you flew to London to stop my wedding! Ah, how about you told me you loved me after I was already married!
RachelHey! Wait a minute! That was different! I did those things because I was in love with you!
RossYou're right. That's very different. So let's, let's just sign the papers. (Sits down and Rachel keeps standing there.) What?
RachelNothing. (Sits down.)
RossOk, can we just sign, please?
RachelUh-hmm. (Just as Rachel finishes signing her name, Ross yanks each page out of the way.)
RossCongratulations. (Gets up to leave.)
RachelOk wait Ross, we're- wait a minute. Umm, I uh, I kinda have a little confession.
RachelUh.. well you know this whole marriage thing, kinda my idea.
RachelUh-well, remember how, we were too drunk to remember anything that night we were married?
RachelAnd uh, yeah, I didn't really, I didn't wanna say anything, but it just kinda, kept coming back to me, and umm, remember we were in the casino and for some reason you thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes. And uh, and I thought it would be funnier if we got married. So as a, as a compromise we decided first to get married, and then (Ross joins in) to eat a lot of grapes. So umm, sorry I got us, into this whole thing.
RossSo then if-if- I mean if you think about it, this is all (Pause.) your fault.
RachelYeah, don't push it though.
RossI gotta say, I know I'd divorce a lot of women, never thought I'd be divorcing you.
RachelI know. I always thought if you and I got married, that would be the one that stuck. And it wouldn't be a secret, and we wouldn't have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut. (They both laugh.)
RossOh, did I, did I even treat?
RachelNo, it was on the house, it was, it was a newlywed special.
RossThat may be the most depressing thing I've heard in my life. I should probably get these to my lawyer's office.
RachelYeah. Hey, thanks, Ross, for taking care of all this.
RossEh, no problem.
RachelI'm gonna need a copy of those.
The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.
JoeyHey! Hey! Hey! Be careful around my Porsche!
Woman(the same one from before approaches) Hi Joey.
JoeyHey! How you doing?
Woman(to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there!
JoeyI'd love to show you, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)
Written by Perry Rein & Gigi McCreery; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp