Monica and Chandler's apartment, everyone except Ross is decorating the tree. ChandlerLet me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? I remember when people used to use big lights.
RachelThat's a good story, Grandpa.
(Ross enters)
RossHey.
AllHey.
RossWow, Monica's letting other people help decorate her tree?! Did someone get her drunk again or?
MonicaHaving a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. It's about being with the people that you love.
PhoebeThat is nice and we're done. tada!
(Her side of the tree looks a complete mess)
ChandlerI don't know what it is, just doesn't quite feel like Christmas to me.
MonicaOh, here.
(She turns the tree around so that her side, which is perfectly decorated, is showing)
ChandlerSee now it feels like Christmas! Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Joey are there. Ross... and that's the story of the dreidel. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolizing life's triumph over death. And that was like 4000 years ago.
RachelSo, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.
(Joey enters)
JoeyHi you guys.
ChandlerHey Joe, what's up?
JoeyI had to get out of the apartment. Janine is like stretching all over the place. You know, everywhere I look she's like... (He imitates her stretching)
ChandlerI can see why that's hard to resist.
JoeyI like her so much!
MonicaAw, I'm sorry sweetie that she doesn't feel the same way.
JoeyI know. And she's so sweet. I just wanna feed her grapes and brush her hair.
ChandlerYou are aware that she's, not a monkey, right?
RossI am so over Janine. I mean, yeah, at first I thought she was hot, but now she's like old news!
(Janine enters)
JanineHey guys!
RossJanine!
JanineI just got a call to be a dancer on a television special for New Year's Eve. It's called some sort of Dicking Rocking Dickie Eve.
MonicaHold it! Are you talking about Dick Clark's New Year's Rocking Eve?
JanineYeah, that's what they said.
MonicaOh my God! We love that show! I mean Ross and I 've been watching it since I, I can remember!
ChandlerAh, you're still just a little fat girl inside aren't you? (He kisses her on the cheek)
JanineWell I'm gonna be on it this year. I'm gonna be one of the party people.
RossWh-? you're gonna be a party person?! Those guys rock the most!
JanineWell they said I should bring someone. (To Joey) Do you wanna be my dance partner?
JoeyTotally! I would love to spend New Year's with you.
JanineWell actually they're taping tomorrow. I don't really understand why.
RossOh, well you see, how it works is, the part with Dick Clark in Time Square is actually live, but they tape some of the party stuff ahead of time. Yeah, not a lot of people know that.
JanineYeah well, do you guys wanna come too?
RossAre you serious?
MonicaWe are there!
(Rachel laughs)
ChandlerWhat, what are you laughing at?
RachelWell, I used to date him, but you're still going out with her!
(Gunther brings Janine a coffee)
JanineOh thanks. (To Monica and Ross) Great! So we can all go together! I-I gotta run. Catch you later!
(Janine leaves)
AllBye!
RossBye Janine!
JoeyDid she just ask me out on a date?
ChandlerI don't think so.
MonicaWhat-what're you talking about? She just invited him to the biggest party of the millennium!
RachelYeah, but she also invited you and Ross. Yeah, honey, I'm, I'm sorry, but I don't think that was a romantic thing.
JoeyOh. Maybe. But hey, I know how I can find out. Well we're going to a New Year's Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! You know? But if she says 'Dude, what the hell are you doing?' I can say 'It wasn't me, it was New Years!'
RachelWell, that's a lot better than Ross trying to kiss me in high school, and saying that he did it because he needed a ChapStick.
RossIt was a dry day.
MonicaWe are going to Dick Clark's New Year's Rocking Eve!
RossOh my God!
MonicaOh my God!
Chandler(To Rachel) Oh my God! The Set, Joey, Janine, Ross and Monica are walking in. JoeyOK, listen up, I've been on sets before, so let me give you a little advice, alright? It's a show, but we're just dancing, OK? It's no big deal. Important thing you remember- stay cool.
RossGot it!
(They get to the main stage)
RossOh my God, it's just like I dreamed it!
DirectorOK, everyone, gather up.
(Monica and Ross push to the front)
Monica and Ross'Scuse us.
DirectorHere's what's gonna happen. The music's gonna start, you're gonna dance, we're gonna tape, you don't look at the camera. Any questions?
RossUh-yeah, I have a question. Uh when is this gonna air?
(He and Monica laugh)
DirectorYeah. Now you guys dance over there, you guys, over there, and I want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out.
MonicaYou know what? We'd rather not dance together because.. umm. see, we're brother and sister.
RossYeah, it-it would seem kinda weird.
MonicaYeah.
DirectorWould it seem as weird as coming all the way down here and then having to go home right now?
JoeyRoss! So when is it gonna air? Monica and Chandler's apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel enter. RachelOk, Pheebs, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet.
ChandlerI can save you time ladies, I'm right here.
PhoebeYeah, Chandler why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern you.
RachelWe are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
ChandlerWhat? That's terrible!
PhoebeNo-no, we do it every year!
ChandlerOh well, that, that makes it not terrible.
PhoebeNo, yeah, we never find them! She's always bested us that wily minx.
RachelYeah, don't worry, we're just gonna search here for an hour, and then we're gonna go over to Joey's and search, OK?
ChandlerNo, not ok, you can't look for Monica's presents!
PhoebeBut we have to!
ChandlerNo, you don't have to, and you can't because I-I live here too.
PhoebeWell, then, you should look with us.
ChandlerWhy?
RachelChandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?
ChandlerNo, I have a great idea for a present for her.
PhoebeOh, that's it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea oh yeah.
RachelChandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you've just gotten her one great present? I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
ChandlerIf I help, we can find them faster!
RachelThat's right!
(Phoebe looks under the couch)
PhoebeOoh, ooh, we have a live one!
RachelOh, it's a Macy's bag!
PhoebeYeah. (Tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out) Ooh, who's it for?
Rachel(Reading) Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you.
PhoebeUh-oh. She may be onto us.
RachelWe are so gonna find them this year.
ChandlerYou know when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look, you don't, you don't do that every year do you?
RachelYeah.
ChandlerYou don't, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything?
Phoebe and RachelNo, we never do that.
(They turn away and laugh quietly.)
ChandlerBecause that's where Joey gave me some stuff to store that I've never seen before in my life! Ok, that did not just happen! (He does a weird clicky motion with his fingers, that kinda hard to describe.) The Set, everyone is dancing. MonicaOk, here comes another camera.
RossRight. No biggie. Stay loose.
(As the camera passes by, they start to dance really rigid, but the camera is facing the other way.)
RossWhy do they keep doing that?
MonicaAw! You know, if we wanna get on camera, we have to get up on one of those platforms. They've been taping those people up there all day.
RossRight.
(They move towards a platform, dancing really strangely as they go.)
RossHey, what'd you guys do to get up on there?
GirlWe learned how to dance.
MonicaOh yeah? Well when you learned how to dance did you forget how to put on underpants?
RossYeah!
(Camera pans to Joey and Janine)
JanineHey! You're a good dancer!
JoeyReally?
JanineYeah, well you'd be better if you just loosened your hips a little.
JoeyOh, wh-what do you mean?
JanineLike this.
(She pulls Joey towards her and dances really close to him.)
JanineThat's it, feel the rhythm. That's better.
JoeyUh-huh.
Director(To Joey) Ok, you're dancing with that girl over there.
JoeyNo-no-no-no-no we came together!
DirectorI don't see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.)
JoeyNo-no-hey-hey, hey buddy, please let me dance with that girl, I really like her and I think I have a shot.
DirectorReally, you think so? I don't.
(He leaves, and this girl grabs Joey and starts dancing really wild.) Monica and Chandler's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are there and Chandler enters. ChandlerI couldn't find anything at Joey-Hey-hey, oh hey!
RachelYeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some coats.
PhoebeYeah, and you have nothing to worry about 'cause they're all crap!
ChandlerThose are my gifts, I got those for you.
PhoebeOhh. Thanks, Chandler they're great!
RachelWell, Chandler, then what is this very weird, um metal A Z thing?
ChandlerThose are bookends! That's a great gift!
PhoebeOh, ok, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz. (Rachel laughs)
ChandlerMake sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, ok?
RachelYes, ok, oh, by the way, I just gotta say, I think it's really nice of you that even after you've moved, you still keep storing that stuff for Joey!
(Chandler does the weird clicky thing again.) The Set, the girl is still dancing with Joey. JoeyHey-hey dancer girl! Can, can I go to the bathroom? I... (The girl starts dancing really close to him, so he picks her up, twirls her round, and puts her against a platform) Here we go, see you girl. Oh-hey-hey! (He walks away to find Monica and Ross doing a really out of place dance) Looking good Gellers!
RossWe know!
MonicaLook, the snippy guy over there? He's the one who decides who gets up on the platform. We should go dance by him.
RossOk.
(They dance over to him.)
DirectorOk, everybody hold!
(Ross and Monica high-five)
DirectorNext on the platforms are... (He points to the right of Ross and Monica, so they dance over to where he's pointing to. He points away from them) ...you two! And... (He points the other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm. Again he points away.) ...You two!
MonicaExcuse me, sir, would it help if I weren't wearing underpants?
RossMonica! (Pause) Would it? (The director shakes his head.) How about me? (The director shakes his head again.) The Men's Bathroom, the tall guy is there as Joey enters. JoeyHey! Tall guy! Listen, I uh wanted to talk to you about that-that girl that you're dancing with.
Tall GuyUh she's nice, huh? To think I almost brought my wife to this!
JoeyYeah, yeah, ok. Uh, loo-look buddy, I came with that girl, ok? And I had this plan to kiss her at the new years countdown, I'm trying to win her over, you know, so I was wondering-
Tall GuyNo I don't think so.
JoeyOh come on man, you-you can dance with my partner, she's uh, she's real mellow!
Tall GuyLook, you're- you dating this girl you came with?
JoeyWell, I was hoping after tonight that maybe I could you know...
Tall GuyNah, nah. She's fair game if you ask me, sorry buddy!
JoeyAlright, hey, you know, fair is fair, (he pretends to wash his hands) I mean you know, when you're right, you're right, what can I say, but hey oh no! (He throws water on the guy's pants)
Tall GuyGod! What are you, in second grade?
JoeyHey, man, you're the one who wets pants. (He throws another handful on him and runs out) Central Perk. Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe enter. RachelYou guys, I'm telling you, Monica would not hide the presents down here.
ChandlerNo, but she did. Look, there's that old hippie I've always wanted. (Points to an old hippie man.)
RachelWell, you know what? If they are here, Gunther knows about it.
PhoebeOh, and I could get it out of him. He's had a huge crush on me.
RachelOhh.
Phoebe No, no! That's not fair to play with his head, though. No, you do it, Rachel.
RachelOk. (walks over to Gunther and sits down) Hey Gunther. (puts her hand over his hand) Hi. (And she starts rubbing his hand.) Getting to be that holiday time again huh?
Gunther(he's looking down in shock at what Rachel is doing to him) Yes, it's like a miracle.
RachelAnd you know, I was thinking, you know since it's the time of giving gifts, (starts stroking her finger on Gunther's hand for a second.) I was wondering are there any, presents around here for me? You know what I mean?
[Across the room]
PhoebeHey, I think I've found them. (She is standing next to a bin of toys.)
ChandlerThat's the Toys for Tots collection bin.
PhoebeWell that's awfully convenient, don't you think?
ChandlerFor the tots it is.
RachelHey, you guys, guess what?
PhoebeDid you find them?!
RachelNo, Gunther fainted. (She looks over the counter.) The Set, Monica and Ross are dancing. MonicaMan, this sucks! You know if mom and dad don't see us on TV after we made them so jealous, I mean, who's gonna be the losers then?
RossHey, I know what'll get us up on a platform!
MonicaWhat?
RossThe routine!
MonicaRoss, we haven't done the routine since middle school.
RossHey, when the snippy guy sees the routine, he'll wanna build us our own platform!
MonicaWas it really that good?
RossWh-? we got honorable mention in the brother/sister dance category! Look, it's almost fake midnight, do we really have any other choice?
MonicaOk, let's do it. Oh mom and dad are gonna be so faced!
(They move into a space, and Ross points to his eyes and then to hers)
Monica5 6 7 8!
(They start the routine. However hard I try, I really cannot describe it. You will have to watch it. I'm sorry.)
(When they finish, they walk over to the director)
RossSo, do we really need to ask who's going up on the platform next?
DirectorOh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that!
MonicaYes! (They run over to a platform)
Director(To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, Dick's gonna want it for the blooper show. (To everyone) Alright, cut! Listen up, everyone, when we start again, it's gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybody's excitement.
[Cut to Joey and Janine]
Tall GuyHey, guy, you got about three seconds to get away from my partner.
DirectorOh what's going on over here?
JoeyOh-ju, take a look at the guy's pants! Huh? I mean, I know you told us to show excitement, but don't you think he went a little overboard?
DirectorWhat's the matter with you? Get out of here!
JoeyYeah, take a hike wetpants!
(The director pushes the Tall Guy away)
[Cut to Ross and Monica, who are finally on a platform!]
RossCan you believe this? We're gonna be on the platform for the Millennium moment!
MonicaI know! Hey, you haven't been practicing the routine, have you?
RossNo! (They look at each other.)
MonicaMe too!
RossHey, when the music starts up again, I was thinking of maybe going into the robot, you know? (He mimics a robot)
MonicaRoss, I think we should just stick to the routine, we don't wanna look stupid!
DirectorAlright we're back! Ten seconds left, here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! (He continues to count as we hear Joey think)
Joey's HeadOk, it all comes down to this. Whatever happens, happens. Destiny.
AllThree, Two, One!
DirectorCut!
JoeyNo! Year! Happy No Year!
DirectorOk, here's where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice work everyone that's a wrap!
[Cut to Monica and Ross who are dancing oddly on the platform with their ears covered, even though everyone's leaving.]
MonicaHey, what did that snippy guy say?
RossUh, I think he's kicking out anyone who's not dancing. So just keep dancing. (They both uncover their ears and start dancing even more oddly.) Monica and Chandler's apartment, Chandler and Rachel are there, and Phoebe enters with the Chick and the Duck. PhoebeHey! Look who I found!
ChandlerOh, hi guys!
PhoebeHa ha. You know, birds have a very good sense of direction, and I thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden.
ChandlerYes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter.
PhoebeOh. Or we could just follow your clever jokes- any ideas? No! Didn't think so! Ok, come on, guys, show us where the presents are!
ChandlerOh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder what I could get Monica that's as good as garbage?
PhoebeHmm, how about my azzz?
(Rachel sits on the window seat, and knocks against it)
RachelHey, this is hollow.
PhoebeWhat?
RachelThis bench, it's hollow! I can't believe I never knew that! (She pushes all the pillows off it and opens it up) Oh, the presents!!!
PhoebeNo, don't look directly at them!
ChandlerWhat?
PhoebeAlright, no, we could look at them!
RachelOh, this one's for me!
PhoebeOh, this one's for Chandler. Here.
ChandlerAll right!
PhoebeAnd the big one's for me!
RachelOoh, let's open them!
ChandlerOk! Ok! Ok!
PhoebeHee hee!
ChandlerWait a minute, wait-wait, we can't do this.
Phoebe and RachelWhy?
ChandlerI don't wanna know what Monica got me. You know? I mean, look, I'm sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look, we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about.
RachelWhatever Linus, I'm opening mine.
ChandlerNobody is opening anything, ok? Look, I don't know about you guys, but I wanna see the look on Monica's face when I give her my present, and I'm sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put 'em back?
PhoebeWill you get us better gifts?
ChandlerFine!
(Monica enters, and they throw the gifts behind them.)
MonicaHey guys! You found the presents? Chandler, you let them find the presents? Great! Do you know how long it took me to find you that water purifier?
ChandlerThat's what you got me?
PhoebeOh yes, I see what you mean. That look is priceless.
(Rachel leans over to look at him.) Joey and Janine's apartment, they both enter. JoeyHome sweet home, huh? Nice to, uh, get back to reality. Plus we uh, know how the New Year's gonna go off. I guess there's no reason for all that Y2K panic, you know? Anyway, good night!
JanineJoey.
JoeyYeah?
Janine(She takes his hands) 3, 2, 1. (She kisses him) Happy New Year.
JoeyOh, yoii. Wh-what was that for?
JanineWell, I don't know tonight when they yelled cut and we didn't get to kiss, I was really, really, disappointed, and I just, I just really wanted to kiss you
JoeyReally? In the moment, I-I really wanted to kiss you too. I mean in the moment.
JanineIn the moment, huh?
JoeyYeah, well. But only in the moment, yeah. So do you uh, wanna kiss again?
JanineSure, New Year's Eve is only two weeks away. Can you wait?
JoeyNo.
JanineMe neither.
Joey3, 2,
JanineJoey, you don't have to count down every time we kiss.
JoeyUh, ok. Except I, sort of felt like I needed a couple of seconds to get ready.
(They kiss to the music of Auld Lang Syne) Monica and Chandler's apartment, everyone except Joey is there. MonicaWe were on the platform, ready to dance the world into the new Millennium, and the guy yelled 'CUT!'
PhoebeOh, oh, so Joey didn't get to kiss Janine?
RossNope, he sure didn't.
RachelWow, so then I guess that mean that you guys are still tied.
RossOh, I don't know about that. I think she saw us do our routine. Yeah, I may have boogied right into the first place.
RachelWait a minute, so wh-, you guys are telling me that you actually did the routine from eighth grade?
MonicaYeah. But, of course we had to update it a little bit. (To Ross) Hey, by the way, great thinking about catching me!
RachelYeah. 'Cause I was gonna say there's no way you could've done the end the way you guys did it back then!
MonicaWhat? We could do it!
RossI don't know, I mean you were a lot bigger, I mean, stronger back then.
MonicaI can do it, ok? Come on, let's go. (She and Ross get up)
Monica and Ross1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 (Ross runs to be caught by Monica, but she moves out of the way)
MonicaI can't do it! (Ross falls into Monica's guest room)
ChandlerNow you do that, you're on TV.

Written by Brian Boyle; Transcribed by Samantha Stein; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp.