{apothecary - sb who in the past made and sold medicines} Monica and Chandler's, everyone is there as Joey enters happily. JoeyHey!
JoeyListen uh, you guys think I have a chance with Janine?
MonicaOh, honey, we have been to this before!
RachelYeah. Don't do this to yourself.
PhoebeYeah she made it pretty clear, it is not going to happen.
JoeyWell, all right, then, I guess I shouldn't get too excited about the fact (excitedly) that I just kissed her!
MonicaYou serious?!
ChandlerThat's great!
PhoebeYeah well, we'll see.
RossYou kissed her.
JoeyOhhh we kissed it up real nice.
RossSo, you ended up with Janine. Well, congratulations you won fair and square.
RachelYeah, it was real neck and neck there for a while.
ChandlerSo you kissed her, so what happened after that?
JoeyI came over here to tell you guys.
ChandlerSo she's just waiting over there for ya?
JoeyYeah. (Nods yes, but suddenly realizes what he did and runs out of the apartment and back to his place.) Central Perk, Joey and Janine are pretty much making out at one of the tables as Monica and Rachel look on from the couch. JanineI gotta go.
JoeyOk. (They kiss.)
JanineI'm gonna be really late for dance class!
JoeyOk. (They kiss.)
JanineOk, now I'm really late. (Gets up.)
JoeyOk, all right, ok. But uh, hey, can you just, just leave your lips? (She kisses him on the cheek and starts to leave.)
Janine(to Monica and Rachel) Bye.
MonicaBye. (Janine exits.)
JoeyHave you kissed her yet? It's awesome! You know, I could do it forever! You know what? She-she kisses better than my mom cooks!
MonicaI am so glad you said cooks.
RachelI know.
JoeyLook-look, it's like imagine your best kiss ever. (They start thinking about it.) Right? Ok, now, multiply that, by, like 10. (They start to have bigger smiles on their faces.) Huh? (To Rachel) No no wait a second, you dated Ross. (To Monica) And you date Chandler. Ok, multiply it by, like, 50.
Chandler(entering) Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the post office that you 've moved. Ok? We are still getting all your bills and stuff. (Hands her all of her bills and stuff.)
RachelOh. Oh! oh! Pottery Barn! (Grabs the aforementioned catalog and holds the rest back out to Chandler.) You can throw the rest away.
ChandlerI'm not your garbage man. I'm your mailman.
RachelMonica look! Look-look-look! Here is that table that I ordered. (Shows her the picture.) Uh.
MonicaYou got it from Pottery Barn?!
RachelYeah! It's an apothecary table. Does anyone even know what an apothecary is?
ChandlerA pharmacist. (Rachel mocks him.)
MonicaRach, Phoebe hates Pottery Barn.
JoeyI hate Pottery Barn too. They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed!
ChandlerYou took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!
Joey(indignant) I was tired!
RachelPhoebe hates Pottery Barn?!
MonicaYeah, she hates all mass-produced stuff. She thinks her furniture should have a history, a story behind it.
RachelWell, this has story behind it! I mean they had to ship it all the way from the White Plains store.
MonicaIt's, it's gotta be one of a kind. You know like umm, you know that uh, what's that God awful ceramic fruit bowl that she's got on her counter?
JoeyHey! I made that for her!
ChandlerYou made pottery?
JoeyYeah! I made it of this fruit bowl I found in the garbage.
MonicaI'm telling you- If you put that in her apartment you'll never hear the end of it.
RachelOk fine! I'll-I'll just tell her that it's an antique apothecary table, she doesn't have to know where it came from. Oh! Look at this little drawers! Oh look-look it says that it holds 300 CDs.
ChandlerAhh, just like the apothecary tables of yore...
Rachel(looks confused) Your what?
ChandlerEnjoy the catalog, sweetheart. The Hallway between the apartments, Joey, Janine, Chandler, and Monica are returning from a double date. Chandler is telling a joke. Chandler...so then the farmer says, "That's not a cow and you're not milking it." (Everyone laughs.)
MonicaI am so glad you guys got together, Chandler and I are always looking for a couple to go out with and now we have one!
ChandlerLook at us, we're a couple of couples!
JanineI had so much fun tonight, and what a great restaurant.
JoeyAnd Chandler, I can't believe I let you pay for this one. (They hug and he whispers in his ear.) Thanks again man.
MonicaSo, you guys wanna come over tomorrow? I'll make that pasta thing I was telling you about.
JanineOh that would be great!
JoeyYeah, but hey, look, at least let us bring the wine.
MonicaJoey, you don't have to!
JoeyNope-op! I insist! (He hugs Chandler again and whispers to him.) You get the wine right?
ChandlerYeah ok. (They part.) Ok, good night guys.
JoeyAll right, see you tomorrow, good night.
MonicaOk, we'll see you tomorrow!
JanineCan't wait! (They each go into their respective apartments.)
[Cut to Joey and Janine's.]
JanineHow are we gonna get out of that one?
JanineI can't handle two nights in a row with them.
JoeyWhat-what's wrong with Monica and Chandler?
JanineI don't know, they're just a little blah!
JanineYou know, he's blah, she's just- she's very loud for such a small person.
JoeyUh, they're like my best friends. Are you saying we can't hang out with them? 'Cause that'd be kind of a problem.
JanineNo. Of course we can still hang out with them. Just, you know, not two nights in a row. Ok?
JoeyI guess.
JanineThank you. (They kiss.)
JoeyHmm. If you want, I'll sell my friends and use the money to buy you presents. Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is placing CDs into her antique apothecary table as Phoebe returns home. PhoebeHey!
Phoebe(sees the table) Ooh, what a great table! Where-where did you get it?
PhoebeUmm, a flea market?
RachelUh-ha! See, I knew, I knew you would get it on the first guess. Isn't it cool, It's an apothecary table.
PhoebeWow! Oh you can just imagine that this is where (She's opening and closing the drawers) they kept all the stuff to make their potions.
RachelOhh... yes.
PhoebeYou know? Ooh, you can almost smell the opium.
PhoebeUh. How much was it?
RachelJust only 500 bucks.
Phoebe500 bucks at a flea market?!
RachelOh, okayl see I thought, I thought you meant how much was it when it was new, you know like back then.
PhoebeOh, no.
RachelYeah no, I mean it was at a flea market, so it was you know, it was like, a dollar.
PhoebeA dollar?
RachelAnd fifty. So you know, like this- like one and fifty dollars.
PhoebeOhh, ok, they gave you the old time pricing.
PhoebeWell, what period is it from?
RachelUh, it's-it's from yore. Like the days of yore. You know?
PhoebeYes, yes, I do. God, oh, it's just perfect! Wow! I bet it has a great story behind it too. Did they tell you anything? Like you know where it was from or...
RachelOh yes! That I know, this is from uh, White Plains.
Phoebe(gasps) White Plains. Oh, it sounds like such a magical place. Ross's apartment, Rachel is entering as Ross comes out of the kitchen carrying popcorn. RachelHey! We're here!
Rachel(seeing his new table) How- Ohh! Oh my God!
RossYou like it?
RachelOh no!
RossIt's my new apothecary table!
RachelRoss! Phoebe's gonna be here any second, she cannot see this!
RossOh why not?! She'll-she'll love it! It's the real thing! I got it at Pottery Barn.
RachelI know you did! I bought the same one! And if she sees your table she's gonna know that I lied to her. I told her that ours was an original.
RossWhy did you do that?
RachelBecause she hates Pottery Barn.
RossShe hates Pottery Barn?!
RachelI know! I know, she says it's all mass-produced, nothing is authentic, and everyone winds up having the same stuff. (Ross looks at his table.) So come on, she's gonna be here any second! Can we please just cover this up with something?! Please?
RossWhat? No! No! I am not gonna hide it from Phoebe- Ooh, although I did get some great Pottery Barn sheets! (Gets them.)
RachelOoo! Oh, I forgot they made sheets!
RossUh, yeah! I still can't believe she hates Pottery Barn!
RachelRoss, get over it! It's not like she hates you.
RossYeah but Pottery Barn! You know what I think? It-it's she's just-she's weird. You know it's because she's a twin. Twins are weird.
RachelRoss, she's not weird, she just wants her stuff to be one of a kind.
RossHuh. You know what's not one of a kind? A twin!
Phoebe(entering) Hey!
RachelOoh, Phoebe's here! Ok, let's turn out all the lights and we'll just watch the movie!
PhoebeOk. Hey- Ooh, cool sheet! (Notices the sheet over the table.)
RossOh, you like it? You wanna know where I got it?
RachelHe-he got it at a flea market!
PhoebeYou bought your sheets at a flea market? Ross come on, you gotta loosen the purse strings a little. Joey and Janine's, Joey is pacing around as Chandler and Monica enter. MonicaHey!
MonicaSo dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. This is so exciting.
ChandlerAnd here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. (Hands it to him.) You were also going to buy Monica flowers but you couldn't afford it, because you paid for dinner last night.
JoeyOh, thanks. Thanks, but uh actually it's just gonna be me again tonight, yeah.
MonicaWhat happened to Janine?
JoeyOh, she's uh-uh really sick.
ChandlerOh, that's too bad.
JoeyYeah, she's been in there all day (Points to her room), uh high fever, a nose problem... Phlegm! Phlegm! Phlegm-phlegm-phlegm!
Janine(entering from her room) Monica! Chandler! I'm really-really sorry about tonight. I don't know if Joey told you; but I just couldn't get out of going to this play. I'm sorry. Have a great time ah.
JanineBye. (Exits)
ChandlerThat's funny, I saw no phlegm.
JoeyNo-no, she really is sick!
ChandlerWhy is she going to a play?!
JoeyUh, well-you know, starve a fever, go to a play for a cold. {"feed a cold, starve a fever" - "Eating more will cure the common cold, and eating less will cure a fever." is a proverb / an old wives' tale. Wiki}
MonicaJoey! Why is Janine not coming over for dinner?!
JoeyWell, uh, she didn't wanna hang out with you guys two nights in a row. I'm so sorry.
ChandlerWell, why does she not wanna hang out with us?!
JoeyBecause she uh, she-she thinks that you are blah and-and that you, Monica, are, too loud.
Monica(loudly) What?!! (Quietly) What?
ChandlerSo she was just pretending to have a good time last night? She was lying to our faces?!
MonicaUgh, I can not believe this! I mean, who is she to judge us? We could not 've been nicer to her!
ChandlerAnd I am not blah, I am a hoot!
JoeyI know. Come on, please, please, you guys, don't-don't be mad. I'm sure she just, she just said that stuff because she was nervous 'cause you guys are like my best friends! You know? And it was our first date! Plus, she's really sick!
ChandlerNo, you sh- No you said you made that up!!
JoeyI know, but don't you think the sick thing is way better than the play thing?
ChandlerHell, they're both good. I generally just go with, Monica's drunk again. (Monica glares at him.)
JoeyCome on, you guys, come on, please, please just give her another chance, huh? She'll come around I promise.
MonicaOh, God. 'Course we will. (to Chandler) Come on, we gotta make dinner.
(They exit and close the door.)
Monica(from the hallway) I do not like that woman!
Joey(shouting) I can hear you!
MonicaI am loud! Ross's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are watching a movie. AllAww! (They all laugh.)
RachelThat's funny. (Phoebe puts her feet up on Ross's table.)
RossHey Pheebs, could you please not put your feet up on my new... (On Rachel's glare)... old sheet?
PhoebeOh sure! (She goes to take her feet off, but drags the sheet with her which spills the wine.) Noo!
RossMy apothecary table!
RachelNoooooo! (Phoebe lifts up the sheet to discover the exact same apothecary table they have.)
PhoebeRoss, where did you get this?!
RossI got it at Pottery Barn! Ok?!
RachelOh my God, Phoebe, Pottery Barn has ripped off the design of our antique!
PhoebeWow! Oh my God, well if they've ripped off our table ours must be much more than one and fifty dollars!
RachelOh yes.
PhoebeWell, this doesn't even smell like opium.
RossOf course not, it smells like wine, which you spilled! And thanks for wrecking my sheet by the way.
PhoebeOh Ross, calm down, I'll give you the 80 cents. (Ross glares at Rachel) Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are sitting at the kitchen table. ChandlerOk, one more time.
MonicaChandler, would you like some more orange juice?
ChandlerPerfect decibel.
Monica(loudly) I know!
Joey(entering) Hey!
JoeySo uh, what're you guys doing?
ChandlerOh, nothing, we're just talking. You know, blah blah blah.
JoeyLook, come on, you guys, you said you were gonna try! All right look, I came over here to invite you guys to a movie with me and Janine. What do you say.
MonicaWell, I'd like to but, (extremely quietly) I'm not sure we have time to go.
JoeyHa-ha, very funny- Look! I don't know what to do! I really want you guys to get along. Just please come to the movie with us. I mean you owe me!
MonicaWe owe you?!
JoeyThat's right! I helped you guys out a lot in the start of your relationship. Huh? I helped you sneak around for like six months; I looked like an idiot! And-and I was humiliated. And I only made 200 dollars!
MonicaWe didn't give you any money! (Chandler is motioning, "No!")
JoeyYou don't think I know that! Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is showing Ross around the newly decorated living room. Rachel...see I can't decide whether it would go better next to the new wicker dining chair, the Sahara desk, or the Parker console table.
RossWow! I didn't know that there was a Pottery Barn up here.
RachelI know, I know. I went a little crazy.
RossA little? Your place looks like page 72 of the catalogue. Oh, look at that! The ornamental bird cage! Large!
Phoebe(entering) Hey!
Phoebe(sees Ross) Oh, Ross, no. Be careful, that is very old! Ok? Early colonial bird merchants used to bring their birds to market in that.
Ross(glaring at Rachel) Fascinating.
Phoebe(gasps) Another amazing find! Wow! Oh I bet this has a great story too!
RachelOh it does, it does! It is a room separating apparatus from colonial times.
RossHmm, a lot of this stuff is from the colonial times. Hey, what are some other time periods Rachel? (She glares at him.)
RachelWell there's yore. And uh, you know, yesteryear.
PhoebeYeah no, I'm telling you Rachel has such a great eye for this stuff. Ross, you know, if you ever decide to redecorate- And I think that you should. You should, you should ask Rachel to help.
RachelOh honey he doesn't need my help.
PhoebeCome on! I think he's ready to get rid of, what did you call it? The uh cheap knockoffs and dinosaur junk.
RossReally?! (To Rachel) Hey, you know what? Since you have such a great sense of what I need, uh ooh, here's-here's 60 bucks, why don't you take Phoebe down to that colonial flea market of yours and get me some stuff.
Rachel(not sure of what to do) You know what? I don't, I don't really think Phoebe wants to come.
PhoebeNo! I do want to!
RachelOh, she does want to.
RossShe does want to.
PhoebeYeah! I'm gonna get my purse. (Runs to her room.)
RossOk. Hey, hey, can I have all this stuff when she makes you throw it out?
RachelWell, sure, and I'll show you were you can put it.
RossO..(thinks about what she meant.) The Street, Phoebe and Rachel are heading back from that colonial flea market. RachelPheebs, I don't know what to say. I guess the flea market was just better last time.
PhoebeWell at least I got these sheets for Ross.
(They walk by a Pottery Barn window display.)
PhoebeUck, look at this! Pottery Barn, uck!
RachelYeah, you know what? Don't look at it. (Realizes the display is their living room) Seriously, don't look at it. (Tries to pull Phoebe away.)
PhoebeNo! Look-look! There's the coffee table they stole from us!
RachelUgh, those bastards! Let's go.
PhoebeOk, that fan kinda looks like ours. And the birdcage and the... wait a sec! This is our exact living room!
RachelNo! No! No! No it's not! No it's not! Come on! Phoebe, ours is totally different! I mean we don't have the... (Looks desperately for something different.) We don't have the...that lamp! And-and that screen is you know, on the other side.
PhoebeOh my God. Oh my God, this is where you got all our stuff, Pottery Barn! Oh my God!
RachelOk! No! Eww-eww, it's all right, I did, I'm sorry, I just, Phoebe, I wanted this stuff and I know how you feel about Pottery Barn. Just... Come on, don't be mad.
PhoebeNo-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! And it's all sitting up in my living room, and all I can think about is how I don't have that lamp!
RachelWell then honey, buy the lamp! Hey, we have that 60 bucks from Ross.
PhoebeI can't! I can't! Unless... Well are you saying that-that you would move out if-if I didn't buy that lamp?
RachelWhat?! No! I'm not gonna move out!
PhoebeBut are you saying that you would move out if I didn't buy that lamp?
Rachel(gets it) Oh. Yes! I would so move out!
PhoebeOk then I don't have a choice! I have to buy that lamp!
RachelYeah, that's right!
(They start to go inside.)
PhoebeBut at least the apothecary table is real. The hallway, Joey, Janine, Monica, and Chandler are returning from their second date. JoeyWell, this-this-this was great. Didn't everybody have a great time?
JanineWell I did. I really did. And you know, guys, I gotta say, I'm sorry if I was a little, weird after the last time we went out. I guess I was just nervous or something.
ChandlerThat's totally understandable.
MonicaYeah, don't worry about it.
JanineSo we can go out again?
ChandlerOh yeah!
JanineOh good.
JoeyOh well, good night!
MonicaGood night! (They go into their respective apartments.)
[Cut to Joey and Janine's, they're entering.]
JoeySee? Eh, wasn't that fun?
JanineWe have got to move!
Monica(bursting in) I knew it! You know, you're not so quiet yourself, missy!
ChandlerAnd I'm blah? Listen, the only thing that's more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, (Imitating her) "Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the moment."
JanineYou know, I know you're talking, but all I hear is, "Blah. Blah. Blah blah blah."
Monica(steps up and points at her) All right! You and me! Let's go! Right now!
JoeyAll right! Enough! Enough! Enough! (To Chandler and Monica) You two go home! I-I-I gotta talk to Janine! (They start to leave.)
Chandler(To Monica) You know I really think you could take her.
Monica(to Janine) You'd better hope I don't see you in the hallway! (They exit.)
JoeyAll right, uh, we-we got a-a little bit of a problem here. These people are my friends; you can't treat them that way.
JanineThey said stuff to me too, you know!
JoeyI know! I know! And-and I'm gonna talk to them about it. But look, they mean so much to me. They... They're like my family you know? If you guys are gonna be fighting all the time, I-I... I don't think we can be together. It just, it just can't work ok? It can't. (Starts to break up) I'm very upset.
JanineOk. Ok. Would, would it help if I went over and apologized?
JoeyYeah! Yeah! That, that'd be very helpful! Yeah. (He opens the door for her and she exits into the hallway.)
[Cut to the hallway, Janine is entering as Monica is taking out the garbage.]
MonicaWhat did I tell you about the hall?!
JanineI was just coming over here to apologize for my behavior! I'd really like it if we could be friends.
MonicaWell, I know that would make Joey happy, so, I would like that too.
MonicaNow come on. (They hug like men.) Well, I'm glad we worked things out.
JanineMe too.
MonicaAll right.
JanineOk, I'll see you.
MonicaBye. (Leaves to resume her garbage removal task.)
Janine(muttering to herself) Or I'll hear you.
Monica(hearing that) That's it big girl! (Hits Janine in the butt with the garbage bag) Come on!
JanineWait! (Janine pauses, then runs down the stairs.)
Monica(chasing her) You'd better run!
(Joey and Chandler both come into the hallway.)
ChandlerDid you hear that?
JoeyYeah uh, what am I gonna do?
ChandlerI don't know, I'm sorry man. (Pause) You wanna go watch?
JoeyYeah! (They head downstairs.) Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Monica are there along with Ross. Chandler(to Monica) You know, I'm not sure you could've taken Janine.
Monica(scoffs) I could've taken her.
RossI don't know. She's much bigger than you.
MonicaAre you kidding me?! I know what to do with tall girls. You go for their knees!
(Joey enters.)
JoeyHow you doing?
ChandlerHey so, did uh, did she move out?
JoeyPretty much, yeah.
MonicaWell, I cannot believe you just broke up with her just like that.
JoeyWell, when it's not right, you know it.
ChandlerYou ok?
JoeyYeah! Yeah. I'll be all right.
RossYou know what would cheer you up?
RossI'm giving this lecture on erosion theories tomorrow night, I think you should come.
Joey(laughing hysterically) You're right! That'd cheer me up!

Teleplay by Brian Boyle; Story by Zachary Rosenblatt; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp