Central Perk, Joey is giving Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross their bills. JoeyOk Rach, that's muffin and espresso, $4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75. Chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. So, all together that's (pauses to figure the total) $12.75.
ChandlerThis coming from the man that couldn't split our 80 dollar phone bill in half.
(A good-looking woman approaches.)
WomanHow much do I owe for the muffin and latte?
JoeyOh that's on the house, courtesy of Joey Tribbiani.
WomanOhhh.. Great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime?
JoeyWell, he's not used to women being so forward; but uh, I can check with him- He says it's ok. (She hands him her card.) Great! Thanks! Bye-bye!
RossHey Joey, how come our stuff isn't free?
JoeyIt will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! This is great! I'm getting more dates than ever!
RachelWait a minute, you're only giving away free stuff to the pretty girls?
PhoebeYeah Joey, that is so gross!
JoeyHow about a scone on the house baby?
Phoebe(giggles) I'm pretty. Monica and Chandler's, everyone but Monica is there playing Monopoly. RossHey does anyone have any gum?
PhoebeOh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and starts rummaging through it and taking out various items in a futile search for the gum.) No, here, sorry. Oh, you know what? Oh. No. Wait a second. (She removes a bag filled with water that has a goldfish swimming in it.) I know it's in here somewhere.
RossYou know what? I'm good! I'm good!
PhoebeAll right. Sorry, I guess it's in my big bag.
ChandlerSay, does anybody have a goldfish?
Phoebe(raises her goldfish) Oh!
Monica(entering) Hey!
ChandlerHey, what're you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?
Monica(congested) Ugh, they sent me home. They said I can't work if I'm sick.
ChandlerSo sorry that you're sick.
MonicaI'm not sick! I don't get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings and for pansies!
RachelHoney, no one thinks you're a pansy, but we do think that you need a tissue. (She notices something hanging from Monica's nose, as does Joey.)
Monica(wiping her nose) I have not been sick in over three years! (Sneezes.)
ChandlerNow I think you're sick 'cause that (points to the ground) used to be in your nose. I'm gonna grab you some tissue.
MonicaI don't need a tissue! I'm fine-d!
RossWhen you put a 'D' at the end of 'Fine' you're not fine.
MonicaI'm fine-d. I'm fine-d! You know, it's a really hard word to say.
(There's a knock on the door. The gang is stunned and Phoebe counts to make sure that everyone is there. Out of curiosity Chandler goes and answers the door.)
(A woman enters.)
WomanHi, is Rachel here? I'm her sister.
RachelOh my God, Jill!
JillOh, my God, Rachel!
(They run and hug each other.)
ChandlerOh my God, introduce us!
RachelWell this is Chandler. (Points at him.)
RachelAnd you know Monica and Ross!
RossHi Jill.
RachelAnd that's Phoebe (points), and that's Joey.
JoeyHey, (in the Joey voice) how you doing?
RachelDon't! (Joey backs away frightened.) (To Jill) Honey, what're you doing here?!
Phoebe(To Ross) Which, which sister is this? Is this the spoiled one or the one that bitter?
Jill(To Rachel) Daddy cut me off.
PhoebeNever mind, I got it.
JillYou know what I said to him? I said, "I'm gonna hire a lawyer and I'm gonna sue you and take all your money and then I'm gonna cut you off!"
RachelWow! What did he say?
JillHe said he wouldn't pay for my lawyer. Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter he's actually proud of.
RachelOh! Did you hear that?! My dad's proud of me! My dad's proud of me.
MonicaRach? (Points to Jill.)
RachelOh yes, sorry. Ok, honey, so, what did you do that made dad cut you off?
JillOk, I bought a boat.
MonicaYou bought a boat?
JillYeah but it wasn't for me, it was for a friend.
ChandlerBoy did we make friends with the wrong sister! (Rachel glares at him.)
JillI knew it was stupid and I know I shouldn't 've gone it, but she bought me all the CDs and she said I had a really cute haircut.
ChandlerAnd your daddy didn't understand?
JillI know, and usually I just cry and say I'm sorry and then he forgives me.
RossOh yes, good criers, the Green girls. (Rachel and Jill glare at him.) I mean-I mean the uh, you know, the-the Green sisters. (They are still glaring.) Man, no matter how you say it, it still sounds like you're talking about green people. I'm at rock bottom.
RachelJill, honey, I think this is the best thing that could've ever happened to you. I mean you've needed to get on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I- first I was scared, but then look at me now! I'm the only daughter that dad is proud of!
JillI just can't believe him. I mean, how 's he expect me to buy stuff?
RachelWell, maybe, you just uh.. you know, you won't buy stuff for a while.
JillI don't understand.
RachelOk, well this is, this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna get a job, you're gonna get an apartment, and then you will live off the money that you earn.
JillOk...I know this is what you did, but uh, that just doesn't sound like me.
RachelOk, but it can be. It can be you, and then I'll help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us?
PhoebeOf course, yeah!
JillOh, that's so great! Ok, I'm really gonna do this! I don't know how to thank you guys.
PhoebeOoh, I like cars. Central Perk, Joey is working as Phoebe and Ross are sitting on the couch. Joey(to a customer) Uh, you all finished here?
JoeyGreat! (Joey takes his cookie and finishes it.)
GuntherOk, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes eight dollars.
GuntherFor all the free food you gave away.
JoeyWell if it's free food, how come you're charging me for it?
GuntherWe don't give anything away unless it's someone's birthday.
JoeyWell, what if they came in third in a modeling contest?
Joey(to a woman who came in third in a modeling contest) Sorry, I- (He grabs her muffin away and returns it to the serving tray.)
Jill(entering, carrying a bunch of shopping bags) I just had the hardest day. Some of these are so heavy. (Sets them down.)
RossJill, how did you pay for all this? I thought your dad took away your credit card.
JillOh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! (Holds up a red sweater) This is my "Please, hire me" sweater. (Holds up a pair of black pants) And these are my, "Don't you want to rent me this apartment?" pants.
RossI don't think charging new clothes to your dad qualifies as making it on your own.
JillOh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical!
PhoebeSeriously, I don't think Rachel's gonna think it's such a good idea.
JillSo who made her queen of the world?
PhoebeI would love that job!
Rachel(entering) Hey! What's going on?
Rachel(notices Jill's bags) Jill! Did you shop?!
JillNo! They did! (Points to Phoebe and Ross)
Phoebe and RossYeah, we went shopping!
RachelYou went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under Jill's nose when you know she's trying to quit. Wow, you guys, it's terrible!
PhoebeSorry Jill.
RossSorry, sorry Jill.
RachelSo what'd you get?
PhoebeOh, well, all right, I got (Ross hands her a bag) (To Ross) thank you, I got uh, this you know "I want a job sweater." (Holds up the same sweater.)
PhoebeAnd, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants.
RachelApartment pants?
PhoebeYeah, you never heard of 'em?
RachelNo, of course, of course I've heard of them! Ross, what did you get?
RossHuh? I got this- (Holds up this pink frilly thing) this!
RachelA pashmina?
RossYeah! Oh, I-I love this babies!
RachelReally? Ross, what's a pashmina?
RossIt's a rug. (Jill winces.)
Jill(covers her eyes and starts crying) I'm sorry Rachel, I'm...
RachelOh, come on! You really think that's gonna work on me?! I invented that!
JillAww. Right! But I am sorry.
RachelAll right, it's ok. One little setback is ok, but just don't let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away. But I'm just gonna take the-the pashmina. (Ross hands it to her.) And the and the uh pants. You know what, I'm just gonna take it all away, 'cause that way you'll just really learn the lesson. Ok? All righty, well, I'm gonna run a couple of errands and I will see you at dinner. (Leaves with all of Jill's stuff.)
JillOh, she took all my stuff.
RossYeah. Everything but, the little blue one. (Holds it up for her.)
Jill(gasps) That's the best one! Oh my God, (hugs him) thank you so much!
RossWell. Hey...
JillOh my gosh, that was so lame. Like a pashmina could be a rug!
RossOh yeah, well how about you and the, (mimics her fake cry) "I'm sorry!"
Jill(hits him) Shut up! I did not like that at all!
PhoebeWhat about, what about when I said you know about the apartment pants, how dumb was I?
(They both look at her.)
Jill(to Ross) Were you this cute in high school?
RossOh, stop.
JillNo you stop!
RossNo, you stop!
JillYou stop!
Phoebe(gets up and sits between them) Ok-ok, why don't I sit here and you'll both stop it! Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still very sick and is entering the living room from the bathroom wearing a robe. Chandler is reading a magazine. MonicaOk, so what do you, what do you wanna do? Let's do something crazy!
ChandlerI know, let's rest and drink lots of fluids. (Holds up a glass of orange juice.)
MonicaOk, I'll rest. But you know, if I'm going to bed, then you're coming with me. (Sniffs)
ChandlerSee, that would be impossible to resist if you weren't all drippy here. (Points to his nose.)
Monica(wiping her nose) Are you saying that you don't wanna get with this? (Tries to do a little sexy body rub, but it doesn't work all that well with the big robe.)
ChandlerYeah, I don't think you should say that even when you're healthy.
Monica(in a sexy voice) Come on. (Coughs loudly.)
ChandlerDon't take this personally ok? It's just that I just can't have sex with a sick person.
MonicaI'm with you Chandler! I mean I can't have sex with a sick person either, that's disgusting! But I'm not sick! Let me prove it to you. We are two healthy people in the bribe of libe.
ChandlerSee that's the thing, I would like to stay in the prime of mwha-ah-libe.
(Monica does a little roar.)
Chandler(sarcastically) Oh, ok, now I'll do it. Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is putting away her new clothes as Phoebe enters. RachelHey!
RachelWhat's up?
PhoebeUmm, I think there's something you should maybe know.
RachelWell, it'd better not be about the apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it.
PhoebeNo. No. It's just I was umm, I was with Ross and Jill after you left and umm, I'm pretty sure I saw a little spark between them.
PhoebeYeah I mean it's probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you, that there might be something there.
RachelWith Ross and Jill?
RachelWith Ross and my sister?
RachelWith my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross?
RachelOh there is no way.
PhoebeOk, then.
RachelOh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I don't really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister, isn't that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and they're gonna have sex! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I can't stop it! I can't- I don't own Ross! You know? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is she wants to do! And, oh my God, I can't believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this is just, oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could've ever happened to me.
PhoebeBut great news about the apartment pants, huh? Central Perk, Joey is giving the bill to the same beautiful woman from before. JoeyThat'll be $3.85.
WomanUh, what do you mean? Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff!
JoeyIt's just I can't because my manager said I... (Gets an idea) (Starts singing) "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Annie...
Joey(still singing) "...Amy! Happy birthday to you!"
A Male CustomerHey, that's weird, today's my birthday too!
JoeyYeah, not in here, it isn't.
Jill(entering) Sorry I'm late, what's up?
Rachel(on the couch) Oh, hi! Uhh, you know, I just wanted to see if there were any leads on the old job front.
JillOh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didn't go in. How strong am I?
RachelThat is great. Hey, you know who doesn't have to job hunt? Ross. He works at the university.
RachelOh so you know that, you guys talked about that, so you get along, so you think you're gonna go out?
JillMe go out with Ross?! No! God, no! What would make you think that?
RachelI just, Phoebe, said she you know, thought she saw something between you guys.
JillNo! I mean he's nice.
JillHe's the kinda guy you're friends with, you know? But he's not the kinda guy you date. I mean, He's kinda guy you date 'cause you did. By- Me, not so much.
RachelWell not-not so much. Umm, what-what do you, what do you mean, I mean is there, something wrong with Ross?
JillOh no-no-no, he's just, I don't know, you know he's just a little, bookish.
RachelAre-are you saying he's a geek?
JillYou think so too?
RachelNo! I, no, Ross is not a geek!
JillFine, then let's just say he's not my type.
RachelWhat, handsome is not your type? Smart? Kind? Good kisser? What those things aren't on your list? Ross is a great guy! You would be lucky to be with him!
JillWell ok, if it means that much to you, then I'll just ask him out.
RachelOh no-no-no, no-no-no, that's not what I meant.
JillNo! You know what Rachel? You're right, you know uh, he has been really nice to me.
RachelYeah but, he's not your type.
JillYeah but maybe that's a good thing. You know I'm doing all these different sorts of things, and maybe I should just try dating a geek too!
RachelYeah but, you don't, you don't, you don't wanna try too much too fast. You know? I mean, I you-you-you do remember what happened to the little girl who tried too much too fast don't you?
RachelShe-she died Jill. Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has fallen asleep reading a book. Monica calls from the bedroom and wakes him up. Monica(still sick) Chandler!
ChandlerOh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? (He gets up from the couch and goes into the bedroom to find Monica, still in the robe, lying seductively on the bed. Or at least she's trying to and as he enters the room, she takes the robe off on of her legs.) Oh-ohhhh!
Monica(trying to be seductive) Calling Dr. Big, Dr. Big to the bed.
ChandlerOh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought you were asleep.
MonicaHow could I be asleep knowing that you, were in the next room.
ChandlerI was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey! You know what's sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy.
MonicaCome on, get into bed! I wanna prove to you that I'm not sick! I wanna make you feel, as good as I feel. (Sneezes.)
ChandlerWould you please get some rest!
MonicaI'm fine. (She goes into one of those half sneezing, half-coughing fits that you get with a bad cold or flu.)
ChandlerYou're coughing.
MonicaNo, I'm not. No, I'm not, I'm laughing. (Tries to start laughing but ends up coughing again.)
ChandlerAt what?
MonicaJust something I heard before.
ChandlerTell me.
MonicaNo, I don't want it to spoil... the mood. (Moves closer to Chandler and sneezes on Chandler's face.) Central Perk, Joey is singing Happy Birthday to yet another good-looking woman. Gunther is watching and is not very happy. Joey(singing) "Happy birthday to you!"
GuntherYou're paying for that.
JoeyWhat? No, no, it's her birthday!
GuntherYou've sung Happy Birthday to 20 different women today!
JoeyBut it really...
GuntherYou are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins.
JoeyDamn it! (Storms off.)
Ross(entering) Rach? Hi!
RossDid you tell your sister to ask me out?
RachelWell yeah...
RossOh wow! I mean, wow! I mean, I-I-I think she's cute but I-I never would've thought of going out with her, never!
RossYeah, but after you said it was ok, I figured, "Why not?!"
RachelOh so, so not really never.
RossI have to say you are a much bigger person than I am. I mean after all we've been through, I just- you know I wish I had a brother to reciprocate. Hey, if you ever wanna go out with Monica, you have my blessing.
Joey(overhearing them) Oh-ho, and mine! Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still sick and is hobbling out into the living room for some help from Chandler who's on the couch reading. Monica(entering) Chandler, I think I'm sick.
ChandlerReally? Struck down in the pribe of libe!
MonicaOk, fine, I admit it! I feel terrible! Would you please rub this on my chest? (She hands him some of that Vicks VapoRub to put on.)
ChandlerNo-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way.
MonicaCome on! I really need your help!
MonicaFine, I'll just rub it on myself.
(To start this task, she lowers the top of her robe to reveal that she is naked from the waist up, well at least her back is, and starts to rub on the gunk. Chandler notices this, and has something start happening. I'll let you fill in the blank here.)
ChandlerSo you're just, kinda rubbing it on yourself?
ChandlerIt's nice.
MonicaAre you kidding me?! Is this; is this turning you on?
ChandlerYes! (Hangs his head in shame.)
MonicaOh I can't believe it! What is it? Is it the rubbing or the smell?
ChandlerIt's all very, very good. (She covers up and sits down.) So you wanna go uh, mix it up?
MonicaNot now, I'm sick!
ChandlerOh come on you big faker!
MonicaWhat happened to your rule about never sleeping with sick people?
ChandlerWell that was before all the vaporizing action.
MonicaOk, if you really wanna have sex...
ChandlerOk! (Runs into the bedroom.)
MonicaWorked like a charm. Central Perk, Rachel is there as Jill enters to start her date with Ross. Jill(entering) Hi!
RachelHi! Wh-what're you doing here?
JillThis is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think? (She spins to show Rachel the outfit she's wearing.)
RachelWell, I-I don't like it.
RachelIt's kinda slutty.
JillIt's yours!
RachelYeah well, I'm-I'm a slut.
Jill(laughs) Me too.
Ross(entering) Hi Jill!
RossHi (sees Rachel and forgets her name for a moment).
RossRachel! Well, you-you're not at home, you're-you're-you're right here.
RachelYeah I know, and I bet you thought it would be weird. But it's not!
(There's an awkward silence.)
RossOk. So, well I'll umm, (To Rachel) I'll have her home by midnight.
(Rachel laughs a little too hard as Ross and Jill leave for their date. After they have left, Rachel starts to break down.) Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters and walks quickly over to the window to watch Ross's apartment. We see that Ross's apartment is empty. RachelWhy aren't you home yet?!
Monica(calling from the bathroom) Someone there?
RachelOh yes, it's me! Sorry!
Chandler(calling from the bathroom) What're you doing here?
RachelUh, I'm, I'm just looking out your window. At-at the view. What're you guys doing?
ChandlerWe got some Vap-O-Rub in some places.
(We see that Ross is returning to his apartment with Jill.)
Rachel(gasps) Oh, he brought her back to his apartment.
Monica(entering with Chandler) (Did you notice the way Chandler walks? "some places") Who? (She looks out the window at Ross's apartment) Is that your sister?
RachelUgh, she is a slut!
MonicaGod, Ross is on a date with your sister! How weird is that?!
RachelOh my God, look-look he's taking off her clothes!
ChandlerHe's taking off her coat!
(We see that Ross is taking off Jill's coat.)
RachelOh, this is just terrible.
MonicaOh no, it's not, no it's not. It's a first date. I'm sure that nothing is gonna...(as she is talking we see Ross close his drapes.)
RachelOh. (Squeaks again.)
ChandlerHo-oh, he's gonna get some! (Rachel looks at him.) Off the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. You know, so, umm, he's closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister. (Pause) Well, I'm off to bed! (Goes to bed.)
To Be Continued Later on, Monica and Chandler's. Monica is laying on the couch covered with a blanket. And Chandler is sitting in the Barcalounger. Chandler(stuffed up) I don't feel good.
Monica(cleared up a bit) You better not get me sick.
Chandler(gets up to go the kitchen) Uhh. I need some fruit or some juice or some....(opens the refrigerator to find there is barely anything in it) Or, or some nothing. There's nothing in here. Who took our food?
[A shot over to Central Perk where Joey has some food presented in front of a female customer.]
JoeyCan I interest you in a slice of lasagna or a drumstick?
CustomerNo thanks.
JoeyAre you sure? It's on the house.
CustomerNo thanks.
JoeyHow about going out with me Friday night?
CustomerNo thanks.
Joey(to himself) Ehh, what are you gonna do. (Takes a bite of the drumstick.)

Teleplay by Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer; Story by Seth Kurland; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp.