Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still looking out the window as Joey enters. Joey(sees Rachel) Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to uh... Oh wait, I don't have to lie to you, you don't live here anymore. Uh, I'm eating their food. What're you doing?
RachelRoss is on a date with my sister, they shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago.
JoeyWhoa, I didn't know we could date your sister!
(Chandler and Monica enter from their room and Joey quickly hides the bag of potato chips behind his back.)
MonicaJoey, we know you steal our food.
(Joey offers them some potato chips.)
ChandlerI'm good.
Monica(To Rachel) Oh, are the drapes still closed honey?
RachelYeah. And you know who should've shut their drapes? It's the perverted old couple two doors over.
Chandler(looking) Is that a swing?
RachelOh don't even ask!
ChandlerYuck!
JoeyI can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister! When Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years.
ChandlerThat was like 5 years ago.
JoeyYeah you got 5 years left!
ChandlerJoey...
JoeyYou wanna make it 6?! Central Perk, Ross is on the couch reading as Rachel enters. It's the next day. RachelOh Ross, hey hi! How are ya? There you are!
RossHey!
Rachel(to Gunther) Can I get a cup of coffee. (To Ross) So how was your big date last night?
RossUhh, it was ok. Yeah, it was fun.
RachelYeah, fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys hit it off?
RossI guess so.
RachelSo uh, so did anything happen? Because rumor has it you guys shut the drapes!
RossNo. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my favorite fossils.
RachelOh, slides. (Laughs.) So. So really nothing happened.
RossSomething could've happened. All right? She-she really dug my slides. And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe.
RachelRight. Was it the, "Please don't show me another picture of a trilobite vibe?"
RossI'm telling you, she was into me, ok? (realizes something) Hey, you remembered trilobite. (Starts to become excited but Rachel doesn't care.) Anyway, if she, if she wasn't into me, why-why would she ask me out again?
RachelShe asked-asked you out again?
RossYeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentine's Day, the most romantic, day of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean.
RachelOk-ok-ok-ok-ok-ok-ok! I got it! I got it! I got it! I can't! I can't! I can't! I cannot go with you and my sister thing. Ok? I just can't. It's just too weird, all right? I-I imagine the two of you together and I just freak out. It freaks me out. I can't do it! I can't do it. {↗frantically, hysterically}
Ross(while Rachel is finishing her rant) Ok! Ok! Ok! Yes, it's ok. (Rachel stops.) It's ok. Hey, it's too weird for you, I won't see her again.
RachelThank you. I... yeah.
RossI mean after, tomorrow night.
RachelNo-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I can't! I can't do it! (Starts to freak out.) It's just gonna freak me out!
RossOk! Ok! Ooh-hey-hey-hey! Ok! Ok! Ok! I'll-I'll tell her tonight, I can't see her anymore.
RachelRoss, thanks.
RossYou want me to call her right now?
RachelOh no! No! No-no-no-no! No, I mean, come on that's-that's crazy- I mean that's crazy. So what's-what's going on with you? What is going on with you?
RossWell umm, oh! I may be teaching another class this semester.
RachelYeah do it now, call her right now. Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are watching E.T. Monica(crying) This is my favorite part.
Phoebe(crying) Me too.
(We see the TV and it's the last scene where ET is saying goodbye.)
JoeyI don't know what you guys are so sad about. It all works out. E.T. stays with Elliott, and they get to hang out and be best friends, for like, forever.
ChandlerJoey, you've seen this movie before. E.T. goes back home.
JoeyWhat? (realizes) Oh no I forgot. (Starts to cry and grabs a tissue.)
PhoebeOh you know what's sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No wait, two! 'Cause on the third day my mother killed herself so I was partly crying for that.
Chandler(totally not crying) Well see now, that I can see crying over, but Bambi, is a cartoon!
Joey(crying) You didn't cry when Bambi's mother died?
ChandlerYes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer! Look, if this movie's making you guys cry so much, let's just change the channel.
Monica(crying) Ok.
ChandlerOk. (Picks up the remote and changes the channel where some rock hard music is playing.) There.
(Joey looks at the T.V. and starts to cry.)
ChandlerJoey, you're crying over a Doritos commercial.
Joey(crying) I was up for that part. (points at the TV)
(Chandler changes the channel back to E.T.)
MonicaYou know, Chandler, there's nothing wrong with crying! you-you don't have to be so macho all the time.
ChandlerI'm macho.
MonicaYeah, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking.
ChandlerNo, I guess I just never really cried. You know? I'm not a crying kinda guy.
JoeyOh come on man there's gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?
ChandlerI'd be sad sure, but I wouldn't cry.
JoeyOk, what if the puppy said, "Help me Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."
ChandlerCry?! I just found a talking puppy, I'm rich!
MonicaOh, I've got it! I have got- (Gets up and gets something from the dresser underneath the TV.) pictures from your childhood. This will get you going good!
(Chandler starts paging through the album.)
PhoebeAll right, what's going on there? (Points to a picture.)
ChandlerOh, that's Parent's Day, first grade. That's me with the, the janitor Martin.
MonicaWhere were your parents?
ChandlerOh they don't wanna come!
PhoebeOh Chandler!
MonicaPoor thing!
PhoebeSo that story doesn't make you cry?
ChandlerNo! Look, I don't cry! It's not a big deal! Ok?!
JoeyNo! It's not ok! It's not ok at all! You're dead inside! Central Perk, Phoebe is putting away her guitar as a man approaches. The FanExcuse me.
PhoebeYeah?
The FanAre you Phoebe Buffay?
PhoebeYeah.
The FanCan-can I get your autograph, I'm your biggest fan. (Holds out a napkin and a pen.)
PhoebeOh you're my biggest fan? I've always wanted to meet you! Hi! (Shakes his hand.) Sure! Yeah! (Signs the autograph)
The FanWow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think you're really talented.
PhoebeYou're just saying that because you're my biggest fan. (The fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, ok? (Points) He's a fan. (To the fan as she's leaving) Bye! (Exits)
Joey(to the fan) So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?
The FanI have no idea what you're talking about. But I, but-but I just got Phoebe Buffay's autograph!
JoeyOh, you're Phoebe's fan!
The FanOh yeah! I've seen all her movies.
JoeyMovies?
The FanThat was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.
Joey(laughs) I don't think so.
The FanNo-no, it was! She was in uh Sex Toy Story 2, Lawrence of a Labia, and I got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store aren't gonna believe this! (Exits.)
JoeyGunther! Hey, don't let that guy in here anymore! He just said Phoebe is a porn star!
GuntherWell, I wouldn't call her a star, but she's really good. You should check out Inspect Her Gadget. Central Perk, time lapse, Rachel is at the counter as Jill enters. JillHey!
RachelHey!
JillYou'll never believe what just happened, Ross just totally blew me off and he didn't even tell me why!
RachelOhhh, well. You know what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you'll just love at work named Bob! He's a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.
JillMaybe I talk too much, or maybe I should've been more, you know, aggressive sexually.
RachelOh no-no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that would never have worked on Ross. But you know who that might work on? Bob in Human Resources.
JillYou know, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I'm not gonna date some random guy from your work.
RachelNot random, Bob.
JillIt's probably because I'm not mature enough, or smart enough. Maybe he doesn't like the way I dress- No that can't be it. It's really gotta be the smart thing. Oh, I'm so stupid! I'm just this like incredibly pretty stupid girl!
RachelNo, honey, ok, ok, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because I asked him to.
JillYou asked him to?!
RachelHm-mmm.
JillWhy?!
RachelBecause you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history...
JillI don't understand, you wanna go out with Ross?
RachelNo.
JillYou don't want him, but you don't want me to have him?
Rachel(changing the subject) You know Bob in Human Resources...
JillUgh! I cannot believe you did this to me! You had me doubting how smart I was! (Gasps) You had me doubting my fashion sense!
RachelLook, this is not that big a deal! You just don't date Ross! There's a million other guys out there, you can...
{How big a deal is "that big of a deal"?
Most Americans have heard people say both, "It's not that big a deal," and "It's not that big of a deal;" many people are not certain which of the two constructions is considered correct. "It's not that big a deal is correct, meaning that it is acceptable in all registers of English. "It's not that big of a deal" is a false partitive, generally considered ungrammatical. It is unacceptable in both formal and written English.
The word "big" is an adjective; as such it is not entitled to govern a prepositional phrase. In the sentence, "It's not that big a deal," "big" modifies, or describes, "deal." The sentence could be rewritten as "It's not a deal that big," or "The deal is not that big." It is neither necessary nor permissible to insert "of" into the sentence. [link]}
JillHey! You have no right to tell me what to do.
RachelI'm not telling you what to do! I am telling you what not to do!
JillAgh, why are you always so jealous of me?
RachelAgh, Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you can't have!
JillCan't have?! Excuse me, the only thing I can't have is dairy! (Starts to storm out.)
RachelAll right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob!
JillWho?!
RachelIn Human Resources! Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is ranting about Jill to Chandler and Monica. RachelI am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess Caroline?!
MonicaYou're jealous of Princess Caroline?
RachelDo I have my own castle?
(Joey and Ross enter.)
RossHey! Uh, Phoebe's not here is she?
RachelNo.
Monica(noticing the bag Joey's carrying) Oh great! Did you get a movie?
JoeyUhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I don't think it's the kind you're gonna like.
ChandlerYou didn't get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you?
(Joey and Ross exchange looks.)
JoeySort of...
MonicaGuys, what's going on?
JoeyUh... (holds up the movie) Phoebe's a porn star!
AllWhat?!
(They all run over to Joey and Ross, Chandler grabs the movie and reads the title.)
ChandlerPhoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer.
RachelMy God!
MonicaThat's Phoebe! Where did you get that?
JoeyWell down at the adult video place on Bleecker.
RossAnd-and I, and I saw Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to-to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn't know he was in there. (They all kinda look at him.)
RachelWow! I mean, I just- I can't, I can't believe this. You know, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who's always been somewhat of a question mark.
MonicaThis is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes sense though, you know she had such a terrible childhood.
ChandlerHey, I had a terrible childhood and I don't do porn.
MonicaYes, but you are dead inside.
JoeyAll right well, I'd better take that back.
MonicaWh-what, why?
JoeyWe can't watch that! I mean that's Phoebe!
MonicaYeah you're right, we can't- we shouldn't watch this.
RachelAbsolutely not.
Monica(hands the tape back to Joey, but doesn't let him grab it) You know maybe a little bit!
RachelProbably just the first half.
JoeyNo! Hey no! This is wrong, you guys! Phoebe's our friend! Well, I'm not gonna watch it!
RossYeah! Good for you Joe!
JoeyYeah.
(Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes and watches the movie.)
(The movie starts, it's a vampire's lair and Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters dressed in leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly, the vampire opens his coffin and sits up.
Buffay, the Vampire LayerAh, I thought I'd find you here, Nosferatu.
The VampireBuffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?
Buffay, the Vampire LayerActually, I was kind of hoping it would be the other way around.
(At this point, Buffay, the Vampire Layer and Nosferatu start to get it on. Of course, since this is network TV, we can only see the reactions of the gang to the film playing off screen.)
MonicaHold on a second! What is that on her ankle?
ChandlerHer ankle is what you're watching?
RachelWell, it's hard to tell... (Rachel gets up to get a closer look, only she's having some trouble.) Oh God, she would just stop moving.
ChandlerShe's just doing her job!
Joey(sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the TV) You sick bastards!
RachelOh, it's a tattoo! That's weird, Phoebe doesn't... Wait that's Ursula! That's not Phoebe that is Ursula!
(Upon hearing this, Joey can't turn his chair around fast enough and knocks it over.)
JoeyRe! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it!
Phoebe(entering) Hey! Oh. What's up? (Sees the TV) Oh my God! What am I doing?! Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is reading Chicken Soup for the Soul as Monica enters. MonicaHey sweetie!
ChandlerHey! (He quickly tries to hide the book by throwing it under the couch, only the couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.)
Monica(picking up the book) Chicken Soup for the Soul?
ChandlerThere's no back to this couch!
MonicaWhy are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff.
ChandlerYeah I know, what if I figure I give it a shot you know? May-maybe one of those stories make me cry and then you wouldn't think I was you know, all dead inside.
MonicaOh that's so sweet! Chandler, I don't care if you can't cry, I love you.
ChandlerOh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.
MonicaStop it!
ChandlerNo, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we're up at the altar and I'm like this. (Makes a bored face.)
MonicaI won't care, because I know that you will be feeling it all in here. (Points to her heart.)
ChandlerYeah?
MonicaYeah! And if, and if we have a baby one day, and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room and you don't cry, so what?! And-and-and, and if we take him to college, we come home and, we see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing, won't matter to me.
ChandlerOk, well I won't uh, worry about this anymore then.
MonicaYeah. And-and you know if I die, from a long illness. And you're writing out my eulogy and you open the desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can't shed one tiny tear, I know you'll be crying a river inside.
ChandlerAww, I love you so...
MonicaWhat is wrong with you?!
ChandlerWhat?!
MonicaWhat?! You can't shed a tear for your dead wife?! Now, I left you a note from the beyond!
ChandlerSo you didn't mean any of that?!
MonicaNo, you robot! Ross's apartment, his doorbell is ringing and he's running to answer it while doing up his pants. RossYou damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to... (Opens the door to find Jill standing there.) Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that-that's just a little game I-I play with the kids down the hall. Umm, they've really taken a liking to me. (Quickly looks out to see if they're watching.) Uhh what's-what's-what's the matter?
JillRachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I-I mean I know we're not supposed to see each other anymore and I'm ok with that, it's just that I don't know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to about it.
RossAw, of course, what-what happened? (Lets her in.)
Jill(entering) I don't wanna talk about it.
RossOk, umm...
JillBut you know what might really cheer me up?
RossWhat?
JillSeeing some more of your super-cool slides.
RossWow! Really?!
JillTotally, I love them! And, maybe you could finish telling me about all the different kinds of sand.
RossWell, I'd love to! Here, o you-you wait right here and I'll go get the projector and my notes!
JillOh, great! Thanks Ross, you're such a good friend!
RossOhh!
(He goes into another room to get his projector and notes. While he's gone, Jill quickly checks her makeup.
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is entering.]
RachelHey! Have you guys seen Jill? I can't find her anywhere.
MonicaNo, I haven't.
RachelWell, is Ross home? Maybe I'll just call him to see if he's actually seen her.
(She goes to look out the window at Ross's apartment and sees Jill staring at her and closing the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is stunned into silence.) Ursula's apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new porn career. UrsulaWho is it?
PhoebeIt's Phoebe! Phoebe!
(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)
UrsulaHey!
Phoebe(seeing her dress) Oh God. So, so you're making porn movies.
UrsulaNo, I'm not.
(Someone calls out from her apartment.)
Man's VoiceStill rolling!
PhoebeYou're making one right now!
Another Man's VoiceLet's go, Phoebe!
PhoebeAnd-and you're using my name!
UrsulaYeah, can I help you with something?
Same Man's VoicePhoebe, come on!
PhoebeLook, I'm talking right now! You're- you mean her.
UrsulaYou know, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
PhoebeWhat?!
UrsulaYeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.
PhoebeNo! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! (Yells into the apartment) And shame on all of you! You're disgusting! Especially you (points to someone) with that! (Storms away.) Ross's apartment, Ross is setting up for the slide show. RossSlides are almost ready.
JillYeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing! Alcohol!
RossUh ok, well there's-there's wine in the kitchen.
JillOh, great! (Goes to get it as the phone rings.)
Ross(answering it) Hello?
Rachel(on phone) What is my sister doing there?! And why are the drapes shut?!
RossO-ok, Rach calm-calm down, ok? She-she's really upset, we're just talking.
RachelRoss! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get back at me!
RossOh, so that's the only reason she could be here huh? It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe I'm a good listener and I uh I put on uh, a great slide show!
RachelRoss, I am telling you she is using you to get back at me!
RossYou know what? I think I can take care of myself, all right, I'll talk to you later. Goodbye. (Hangs up the phone and turns to find Jill sitting really close to him.) Whoa! Uh, that-that was your sister. Actually, she-she thinks that you're just using me.
JillSo? (Kisses him passionately.)
Central Perk, Joey is reading a paper as Phoebe enters. PhoebeHey!
JoeyHey!
PhoebeSo, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
JoeyOh no, not you too!
PhoebeNo! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffay's checks; there were a lot of 'em.
JoeyNice!
PhoebeUm-mmm, and, I won't have to go back there anymore because I gave them my, (does the quote-marks thing) correct address.
JoeyThat's great, but isn't it gonna bother that people still think you're a porn star?
PhoebeOh no! No! I-I know how to handle it.
JoeyYou do?
PhoebeYeah. (She notices some guy putting a coat on his girlfriend is trying to remember where he's seen her before.) (To him) You're trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I'll give you a hint. From porn! Ok? (He tries to rush his girlfriend out.) Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! (To Joey) See?
JoeyAw yeah, yeah. Monica and Chandler's, time lapse, Ross is entering. Chandler and Monica are at the kitchen table. Rachel is on the couch reading. ChandlerHey.
Ross(To Rachel) You uh, you may 've been right about Jill.
RachelOh! I knew it! What happened?
RossUmm, she kissed me.
RachelWhat?! You kissed!
Chandler(To Monica) Maybe we should give them some privacy.
Monica(To Chandler) Shhhh!
RossLook, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, ok?
RachelWell, it doesn't sound like it! I mean, it's pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just don't kiss them! See? Look at us, right now, not kissing!
RossLet me finish, ok? She started kissing me and-and I didn't stop it. I guess I-I just wasn't thinking...
RachelYeah that's right you weren't thinking! You know what? Let me give you something to think about! (She pulls up her sleeves and steps towards him.)
RossOh what-what- But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing.
RachelOh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister's mouth long enough to tell me that.
RossLook, I-I realize if anything were to happen with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen with us!
RachelWhat?!
RossNo, I mean, look I don't know if anything is ever going to happen with us, again, ever. But I don't wanna know that it-it never could. So I stopped it and she got mad and broke my projector.
RachelWow. I, I don't even know what to say. Thank you. (Gently kicks him.)
RossYou're welcome. (Gently kicks her back.)
(Chandler starts crying.)
MonicaOh my God! Are-are you crying?
Chandler(crying hysterically) I just don't see why those two can't work things out! Central Perk, everyone is there as Jill enters. JillAll right, I'm leaving! 'Cause I'm not gonna spend one more day with someone who's out to sabotage my every move. That's you Rachel!
RachelYeah, I got that.
Jill(To Ross) You! I throw myself at you and you say no, how gay are you?
RossYou take care Jill.
JillOk, I'm leaving. Don't worry about me, I'll make it on my own. (start to break up) Who knows how I'll get by, or even if I'll survive.
Rachel(not buying it) Jill, you can uh, you can stop that now. I know you made up with daddy.
JillYou do? How?
RachelOh, just a wild guess, and uh, your limo just pulled up. (There is a limo in front of Central Perk.)
JillOh, yeah. Well sorry I didn't get to know you guys better.
MonicaAbsolute shame. (Chandler waves.)
Jill(happily) Ok, see ya! (Exits.)
RachelBye-bye!
MonicaBye.
Chandler(starts crying) I-I can't believe Jill's gone. (They all look at him.) I can't help it, I opened a gate.

Written by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp.