Central Perk. Everyone is there, except Rachel, quietly reading something except Chandler. ChandlerSo, it seems like this uh Internet thing is here to stay uh?
MonicaIt's ok not to talk.
(Rachel enters)
RachelHey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
MonicaOh, my God!
PhoebeWow!
Joey(To Ross) What is the matter with you?!
PhoebeNo! Barry and Mindy.
JoeyOh, sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-who's Barry and Mindy?
RachelBarry was the guy that I almost married and Mindy was my best friend.
JoeyOhh-oh, wasn't he cheating on you with her?
RachelYeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
MonicaWhy did they get divorced?
RachelWell, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isn't that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
RossI know what you mean, I've always wondered how different my life would be if-if I'd never gotten divorced.
PhoebeWhich time?
RossThe first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadn't realized she was a lesbian.
Joey(starts to imagine it) I can't. I keep seeing it the good way.
RossI bet I'd still be doing my kara-tay. (That's karate, he's just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from, you know, not doing anything else physical.
ChandlerMaybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.
MonicaAnd what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you-you wouldn't be dating me, that's for sure.
ChandlerSure I would!
All(simultaneously) Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah, oh, right!
ChandlerWhat, you guys really think that I'm that shallow?
RossNo, I just think Monica was that fat.
JoeyHey hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Hey, hey, there's Carol again!
ChandlerWhat if I had had the guts to quit my job? I'd probably be writing for The New Yorker, being paid to be funny. But my job's fun too! I mean, tomorrow, I-I don't have to wear a tie.
PhoebeWhat if I'd taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
RossWhat?!
RachelMerrill Lynch?
PhoebeYeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks.
RachelWell why didn't you take the job?
PhoebeBecause at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true. So, I thought, you know, if I'd worked with stocks, I'd have to live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox.
ChandlerYeaaaah...you don't want that in a broker.
RossHey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, we'd still hang out?
{Transcriber's noteThis is where the opening credits are, but they're not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachel's still a shopaholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then they're dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesn't apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.} A newsstand, Ross is standing next to an old lady and reading a magazine. As soon as the old lady leaves, Ross puts the magazine he was reading back and grabs an issue of Busty Ladies and heads to the cashier. Ross sees Rachel. Ross(recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Rachel(gasps) Rob Tillman!
RossNo, no. It's, it's me, Ross!
RachelOh, I'm sorry. Ross Tillman.
RossNo, no-no, Ross Geller.
RachelOhh, of course, Monica's brother!
RossYeah. Right.
RachelWow! How are you?!
RossGood-good, I'm-I'm married. (Shows her his ring.)
RachelOhh! Me too!
RossIs-isn't it the best?
RachelOh, it's the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm how's Monica?
RossOh really, really great! Yeah! An-actually she's right down the street, umm, do you, you know what? You should stop by and say hi.
RachelOhh, I would love to.
RossYeah-oh-oh, oh, she'd be so excited!
RachelOhh! Ok!
RossCome on! (They start to leave.)
RachelOh wait, don't you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
RossNo-no-no, that's- it's ok. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I...
Rachel(laughs) Oh, my God...
Ross(putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Ok.
RachelWhat- Don't you, to give him his money back?
RossUh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Ok, let's go see Monica! Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monica's boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monica's fat, I won't be calling her Fat Monica throughout. JoeySo, Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
MonicaHe's not boring! He's just, he's just low-key.
Monica's Boyfriend(returning) Here you go, one Hazelnut latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.)
MonicaThanks.
Monica's BoyfriendYeah. You know, the hazelnut, actually not a nut, it's a seed.
Joey(not impressed) Wow!!
Monica's BoyfriendCan anyone else name a well known seed that's been masquerading as a nut?
JoeyOh dear God, let me see. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.)
Chandler(entering, depressed) Hey.
JoeyHey.
MonicaOh no! What's the matter?
ChandlerOh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny." (does the quote-marks thing)
Monica's BoyfriendYou know what honey? I gotta get back to the hospital.
MonicaAll right.
Monica's Boyfriend(kisses her) Ok.
MonicaBye.
Monica's BoyfriendBye-bye. (Gets up to leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the Brazil nut. (Exits.)
ChandlerWas his question what's more boring than him? (sarcastically) And nice sweater vest by the way. Pffft.
MonicaStop it guys. He's sweet.
JoeyYeah. Yeah. Hey man, sorry about that Archie thing. Do you uh, need me to give you some money?
ChandlerI may have no money, but I still have my pride.
JoeyReally?
ChandlerEhh.
MonicaHey, maybe Joey doesn't have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants, right?
JoeyThat's an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
MonicaNo, Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
JoeyThat's great! That would be great! Let's do that!
ChandlerI could use the money; it could give me time to write.
JoeyAll right great! Welcome aboard!
ChandlerOk!
JoeyAll right! Now, hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I don't need any assistance in there, take a break!
ChandlerAll right!
(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. She's wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)
Phoebe(entering) Hey!
MonicaHey Phoebe! Guess what?
PhoebeWhat?
MonicaJoey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
PhoebeOhh, that's so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnn! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-O, it's a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, it's ok. It's ok, you're allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
(She hangs up)
PhoebeAw. Oh what a shame! I really liked her.
(Ross and Rachel enter)
RossHey, Mon!
MonicaHey!
RossMon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)
Monica(gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You-you look terrific!
RachelOhh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (She's not quite sure of that one.)
MonicaYou are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
RossAnd, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)
ChandlerYeah.
RachelOh hi!
RossAnd that's Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)
PhoebeHi!
MonicaMy God, sit down! Sit down. How long has it been since we've seen each other?
Ross(answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, Sean McMahon's party. I played you one of my songs, you know Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.
RachelOh yeah. Right. So they, are-are they still- you still, do music?
RossOh sometimes, yeah, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! I'll play you one of my other...
Rachel(interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
MonicaRach, he's a friend of ours.
Rachel(stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
ChandlerWell it's kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he's not real.
Ross(To Rachel) Hey, hey, or I could bring my keyboard here sometime!
RachelHe's coming over! He's coming over!
Monica(getting up) Joey!
Joey(holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here, here! (Hands her the plate.)
MonicaOhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to high school together.
Rachel(giggles and can't look at him) Hi!
Joey(shaking Rachel's hand) Hi!
Rachel(still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tried to kill you...
JoeyWell, it's always nice to meet the fans.
RachelAh!
Joey(turning and whispering to Monica) She's not crazy, is she?
MonicaNo.
Joey(To Rachel) So, uh, how you doing? Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe's cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone. PhoebeHang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go! Who's this? (Listens) Oh, ok, you're gonna like working for me. What's your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I... Whatever... Stop talking! All right, fro-from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Chandler(starts looking for something) I can't find my pen. Did you eat that too?
Joey(entering) Hey, there you are!
ChandlerUh-oh, it's my boss!
JoeyAll right, here's a list of things for you to do today. Man, this gonna be so great, thank you so much! All right, I gotta go to work I'm delivering twins today, but only one of 'em is mine! (Exits.)
Chandler(reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.
Monica(laughs) You realize what you are, don't you?
ChandlerWhat?
MonicaYou're his bitch.
Phoebe(yelling from Monica's room) No-no! No!
Monica(panicked) Oh wait! You didn't just sit on my Kit-Kats, did you?!
PhoebeNo! There-there was a little, a little dip in the market and I lost 13 million dollars.
ChandlerBut the Kit-Kats are all right?!
PhoebeWhat am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I can't call my office they'll kill me! I can't call my clients they'll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hurts.
MonicaWhat?!
Phoebe(louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I can't breathe.
ChandlerPhoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
PhoebeOh, if I were, would-would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?
MonicaYes!
PhoebeThen yes that is what I'm having. (Takes another puff of the cigarette.)
MonicaOh my God!
(Phoebe puts out her cigarette.)
PhoebeOk, yeah. Ok, this-this thing (holding on to her arm) is useless, so, will you dial 9-1-1 for me? (throws the phone to Monica) A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her. RossCome on Pheebs, it's not that bad! You know most people would be excited if they didn't have to work for a couple of weeks.
PhoebeYeah, most people don't like their jobs, I love my job! I've been not working for three hours and I'm already going crazy. I miss Joan.
MonicaHoney, having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow it down.
ChandlerI always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But you're not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
MonicaLet's take a walk. (They start to leave.) You know maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
Phoebe(To Ross) So what's going on with you?
RossWell, umm, I've been um doing a lot more of my kara-tay.
PhoebeStill going through that dry spell with Carol?
RossYeah.
PhoebeYeah. How long has it been since you had sex?
RossWell, last weekend...
PhoebeOh that's not so bad.
Ross...will be two months...
Ross...since I stopped trying.
PhoebeMaybe you need to spice things up a little.
RossWhat-what do you mean?
PhoebeI don't know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other...
RossOh.
PhoebeYou know, dirty talk, ménage à trois, toys...
RossWow!
PhoebeRole playing... You could be the warden; she could be the prisoner. You could be the pirate; she could be the wench!
RossOk, I think I got it.
PhoebeYeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and you're-you're-you're rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybody's watching! (Ross looks at her.) Never happened. A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain. MonicaSorry. So how's it going with Joey?
ChandlerOh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "I'm with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "I'm lost and I can't find food."
MonicaAw, sweetie. Is there any food around here?
Joey(entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?
MonicaYeah! She's right in there! (Points to Phoebe's room.)
JoeyOh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready! Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set. JoeyAll right, and over there is Brady's Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning.
RachelWow! Aw this is so amazing! What else? What else?
JoeyWell, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!
RachelHey!
JoeyAll righty, what do you say we head back to my place?
Rachel(laughs) Wow! Umm, you know, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldn't.
JoeyWhy? (In Drake's voice.) Why, can't the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?
Rachel(awestruck, then not) Isn't that a line from the show?!
JoeyUh, yeah, but uh, (In Drake's voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
RachelThat's a line from the show too!
JoeyOk, you watch too much TV.
Chandler(approaching) Here you go Joe, here's the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)
JoeyThanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, there's pulp in that. (Hands it back.)
ChandlerYeah?
JoeyI thought we talked about this. I don't like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isn't juice. All juice, ok?
ChandlerI'm sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.
JoeyOh my God, I'm sorry, I'm being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would you like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
RachelWell sure, ice tea would be great.
Joey(To Chandler) Ice tea. (Motions him to move along)
ChandlerOk, anything for you sir?
Joey(To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
(Rachel nods yes.)
Joey(To Chandler) Ok look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) is gonna work, you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) You're gonna throw that juice at me, aren't ya?
ChandlerIt's not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.) Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to Carol about what Phoebe told him. RossSo honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
CarolYeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
RossLook, Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little.
CarolWhat do you mean?
RossCarol our sex life is- it's just not working...
Ben(entering) Dad!! (Runs and hugs him.)
RossHey there little fella! Hey, hey, why don't we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why don't you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!
BenYay! (Runs off.)
RossYay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life... I was thinking, maybe, I don't know, we could try some-some new things. You know? For fun?
CarolLike what?
RossWell I don't know umm, (Pause) what if we were to tie each other up? (Carol's shocked and obviously doesn't like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesn't like that idea either.) Yeah, Umm, you know we-we could try, dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
Carol(quickly) I love that idea! Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters. ChandlerWho sold a story to Archie Comics?!
MonicaOh my God! That's so great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) You're a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
ChandlerAww.
MonicaWait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out...) My last Kit-Kat bar!
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica won't let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesn't budge.)
ChandlerYou wanna share it?
MonicaOk!
Joey(entering) Hey!
ChandlerHey!
JoeyOk Chandler look, I know you're mad, but I just wanna say I'm sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just, I hate pulp! You know? I mean, you know how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
MonicaIt's not mayonnaise!
JoeyYeah, ok a-a-a-anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. And here. (Hands him a cup.)
ChandlerWhat's this?
JoeyFresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it.
ChandlerAww, thanks man. (They hug.)
MonicaHey Joey! (Both Joey and Chandler are still hugging and they hold up one of their fingers to tell Monica to hold on for a minute.) Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
JoeyOh my God! That's great! Congratulations! What's the story?!
ChandlerOh you wouldn't uh, care. It's just, a stupid comic book story.
JoeyAre you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
ChandlerWell um, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesn't want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assist- as his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can't have lumps in them.
JoeyWait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? 'Cause I think I read it! Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters. RachelOh Mon, listen, I have to ask! Ok, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
MonicaYeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
RachelOhh! And I'm one of 'em! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
MonicaYou know Rachel, you dont have to use his last name.
RachelOh but Monica. Come on. I mean, it's Joey Tribbiani!
MonicaI guess you have to. Well, you know it's none of my business, but aren't you married?
RachelYeah. Oh I wish we could not be married for a little bit! You know I just wish we could be like on a break!
MonicaWell, you're not.
RachelOh, it's so easy for you, I mean, you're not married, you get to have sex with whoever you want!
MonicaYeah I can! (Laughs) I mean, don't think I don't, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
RachelMonica. You've, you've done it right?
Monica(giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, I'm like, some 30-year-old virgin?
RachelOh my God! You're a 30-year-old virgin!
MonicaSay it louder, I don't think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Guy All the Way in the BackYeah, I heard it.
MonicaIt's not like, I haven't any the opportunity. I mean, you know, just, just waiting for the perfect guy. I'm seeing this guy Roger, all right? You know, he's not perfect, but uh, I think maybe I should just get it over with. You know, give him my flower.
RachelOh my God!! Do it! Honey, you've waited long enough!
MonicaYou know what? You are right?!
RachelYes!! I- Sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn't be all these rules and restrictions! You know, people should be able to sleep with whoever they want, whenever...
MonicaRachel! I'm never gonna think it's ok for you to cheat on your husband!
RachelOh what do you know? Virgin! The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebe's room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door. MonicaPhoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
PhoebeOh, yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects.
MonicaPhoebe! Put that cigarette out!
PhoebeNo! It's not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!
MonicaPut it out!
PhoebeOk! Ok! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) So glad you're here.
RossCome on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
PhoebeOh, give it to me.
RossI got it!
PhoebeGive it!
(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)
Ross(on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she can't come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh, right, no problem. Ok, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)
PhoebeWas it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!
RossNo, just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure you were getting better.
PhoebeThank God.
Ross(To Monica) Yeah, she's fired. Rachel and Barry's bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course it's a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. It's set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head. NurseYou've done all you can, Dr. Wesley. You 've got to let her go.
Dr. WesleyGoodbye and Godspeed, Hope Brady.
(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)
Dr. Drake RemorayNot so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)
Dr. Wesley(with evil dripping off his tongue) Remoray!
Dr. Drake RemorayThat's right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, you're not a real doctor! And that woman's brain, is fine!
Rachel(very relieved) Oh! Thank God!
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Dr. Drake RemorayHope! Hope!
Hope(sleepily) Drake!
Dr. Drake RemorayYou're not dying Hope, you're gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
HopeOh Drake.
[Drake and Hope kiss.]
RachelOk! (She picks up the phone, Joey's phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Ok! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! It's Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches. Ross and Carol's, Carol is working on something at the table and Ross is reading a newspaper on the couch. RossSo, honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you even gonna start to find...
CarolOoh, actually I've been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!
RossOh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someone's been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.)
CarolYeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so...
RossOh, I know. (Laughs) You know, just-just talking about it is getting me kinda...
CarolOh, me too.
RossYeah? Well, I-I think Ben's asleep.
CarolOh, umm, you know, I think it would be better if we just save it.
RossYeah. Right. Save it. I can do that. (Gets up and does a little kara-tay.) The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe. Phoebe(to Chandler) Why do you always wear that dumb hat? What are you late, for your paper route? (In a childish voice) Hi Mr. and Mrs. Jones. Here's your paper. Sorry about the window. Oh.. I'm... eh..
(Ross enters)
RossHey, Pheebs!
PhoebeHey.
RossHey, how's it going?
PhoebeWell, I gotta get out of this bed, I'm going crazy here. Crazy!
Monica(handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
PhoebeWhat the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!
MonicaBut, I put some honey in it.
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
RossShe doesn't know she was fired yet, does she?
ChandlerNo, the doctors say it may kill her.
PhoebeWhat are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Chandler(To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
RossLook, Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start thinking about getting a different job.
PhoebeOk, what is this? A stupid contest? 'Cause we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)
ChandlerLook, Phoebe, he's right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
PhoebeI know! But if I didn't work there, what else would I do?
MonicaWell, you used to like playing the guitar.
PhoebeYeah that was lucrative! Smart like your brother!
ChandlerUh, what about you know the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack.
PhoebeHmm, pulling in a salary in the high six figures or rubbing gross naked people for chump change- ooh, what'll I do?! What'll I do?! Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog. RachelOhh, I mean it's just so realistic!
JoeyI know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on poles. You'll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
RachelPat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
Joey(climbing down from his chair) Do you uh, do you, ready for a refill?
RachelOh, I probably shouldn't, so I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! It's like it's raining!
JoeyPretty cool, huh? But if you're thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldn't get sucked up into the mechanism, well you'd be wrong.
RachelUmm, can I use your bathroom?
JoeyIt's uh, right through there. (Points.)
RachelOk. (Starts to go.) God you know, I gotta tell you, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbiani's apartment...
JoeyYeah, life's pretty great isn't it?
RachelYeah, it sure is!
(Suddenly she sees a ceramic tiger by the wall near the bathroom.)
RachelOh gee! Oh woo!. (pretends she has claws too and quickly walks off to the bathroom as Joey laughs) Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger. MonicaI hope you're hungry, we're starting with oysters. You know what they say about oysters, don't you?
Dr. RogerThey have parasites?
MonicaNo! Umm well, some people say that oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Dr. RogerWhat people?
MonicaPeople! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)
Dr. RogerSo, oysters, huh?
MonicaAnd then we're gonna have a little uh, Middle Eastern couscous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Dr. RogerYou know, it's funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases...
MonicaNo-no-no, no! It's sensual!
Dr. RogerOhh! Didn't know! Ok!
MonicaOk! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) No! no!
Dr. RogerI'm sorry sweetie, it's the hospital. The food looks great, maybe save me some?
MonicaI can't promise anything. (She starts to dig in.) Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive. RossWe're really gonna do this, huh?
CarolLooks like it.
RossYou know, if, if this is too weird for you, you can still back out at any time... (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Carol(jumping up to get it) I got it!
RossOk.
Carol(opening the door) Susan! Hi! (Who'd you think it was gonna be?)
SusanHey! (They hug.)
CarolThank you so much for coming.
SusanOh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.
(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.)
RossI'm-I'm Ross by the way.
Susan(not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what you've done with this space.
CarolThank you so much.
(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susan's coat.)
RossHow hot is this?! Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monica's dinner. ChandlerI'm sorry you're here with me instead of Roger.
MonicaYeah, me too.
ChandlerWell, I could make it seem like he's here. (Imitates him.) "Here's some little known facts about couscous. They didn't add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
MonicaStop it! That's not funny!
ChandlerOk.
MonicaI'm sorry, ok? It just- tonight was supposed to be you know, it was supposed to be a big deal.
ChandlerWhat was tonight?
MonicaYou don't wanna know what tonight was.
ChandlerOk. (Pause.) What was tonight?
MonicaWell, tonight was- was going to be my first time.
ChandlerWith Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
MonicaAll right relax, Mr. I've Had Sex Four Times!
ChandlerFour different women! I've had sex way more times!
MonicaHow many?
ChandlerNine.
MonicaI was, waiting for the perfect guy. You know?
ChandlerWell good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect guy?
MonicaNo. He's not a horrible guy.
ChandlerHey that's what I tell girls about me.
MonicaChandler, I'm gonna die a virgin!
ChandlerNo you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
MonicaOh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?
ChandlerOk. (They both realize what he just said.)
MonicaI was kidding.
ChandlerSo was I. Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her. RachelJoey, you're such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
JoeyWell, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
RachelWow! Tell me something Joey- (She falls off the couch) Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
JoeyYeah you did.
RachelOk. (She climbs back onto the couch.)
JoeyHere, look-look, (motions where he want her to sit) here you go. Let me ask you a question.
RachelYeah?
JoeyWhen was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
RachelWow! I can't, I can't feel my hands.
JoeyCome on, come here.
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.) Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question. ChandlerWe can't do this.
MonicaNo! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
ChandlerYeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, you know? Because you've been waiting for a very long time and I wouldn't wanna disappoint you.
MonicaYeah but see I have nothing to compare it to. So even if you're horrible, how would I know?
ChandlerI do like that.
MonicaIt's harder for me! I go those four other women to compete with!
ChandlerWell, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right?
MonicaAbsolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
ChandlerStop it! We're not doing this! Let's do it!
MonicaNoo! Ok!
ChandlerOk! (They both get up.)
MonicaUmm, do you have any uhh, moves?
ChandlerI have some moves.
MonicaI have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Ok, whatcha doing there?! (Giggles.) Oh, you know what? I'm sorry, this is just too weird.
ChandlerYeah, let's just forget it.
MonicaWhat if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
ChandlerOk!
(She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.)
ChandlerOh yeah.
MonicaChandler?
Chandler(sexily) Yeah?
MonicaThat's the couch.
ChandlerI know. Monica's bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler. ChandlerOh my God!
MonicaI know! I tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
ChandlerOh, ok! (He rolls over to do that again.) Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel passed out on the couch. Joey(entering) Morning!
Rachel(wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right.
JoeyYeah.
Rachel(groans) Oh God. Oh, I can't believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
JoeyWell he actually saw you a little bit too.
RachelNoo! Oh God we did- we didn't, we didn't uhh...
JoeyNo! No! No, not after seeing that.
RachelGod I'm just a horrible person.
JoeyWh-why?
RachelBecause I'm married. That's right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV star's apartment to have an affair! Uck!
JoeyThat's ridiculous! I'm not a "Star," (Made the double-quotation-marks-like gesture.) just a regular famous actor.
RachelYeah and I'm a horrible, horrible person.
JoeyRachel, will you stop saying that?! Hey, hey look, remember on the show when, when Caprice was dying and she gave me...
RachelThe ring from the cave, yeah.
JoeyWow! Uh ok, well, uh... (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.)
Rachel(seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
JoeySure! As long as they don't find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
RachelNo! No-no-no...
JoeyYes! Yes! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you, are a good person. Ok? Now you had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didn't. And that's what this ring stands for.
RachelBut I thought that ring stood for Caprice's undying love for her brother.
JoeyLook, you want the ring or not?!
RachelYeah! Phoebe's hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe. RossHey!
JoeyHey!
RossLook at you! You're up!
JoeyAll right!
PhoebeI thought I'd try to take a walk. Will you pour me some water? I'll be back soon.
JoeyWhoa-whoa-whoa! You're not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
PhoebeNo. I've learned my lesson.
(She goes out into the hall and when she's there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
PhoebeLet's go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old man who's holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.) Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall-bladder. (She leaves.)
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
RossHey Joe did... Did you ever have a threesome?
Joey(not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I, I think Carol's great and I'm sure you're a very attractive man, but I...
RossNo! The reason I'm asking is that... I sorta had one last night.
JoeyYou?
RossYeah!
JoeyWow!
RossYeah!
JoeyAll right! So, was it amazing?
RossIt was, it was, ok.
JoeyJust ok- Did you do it right?!
RossYeah. Look, it's just did, did you ever go to a party, and think, "Would anyone really miss me if I weren't here?"
JoeyHuh. But still, Ross, your worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! You know what I mean?
RossOh-oh, no, absolutely!
(They both laugh.)
RossIt's just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and then there was a lot of waiting around.
JoeyBut you got to be with both of them, right?
RossNot-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol.
JoeyNot the other one?
RossNo, she kept kicking me away!
JoeyYeah, you don't want that.
RossNo!
JoeyWell hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right?
RossOh, I saw a lot of stuff!
JoeyYou got a little bored?
RossA little. Yeah. I made a snack.
JoeyYeah? What did ya have?
RossJust a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard...
JoeySounds good.
RossIt really was! Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters. ChandlerHey!
MonicaHey!
ChandlerLet me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute, that was you!
MonicaHey, check me out, I'm a slut!
ChandlerSo you uh, wanna do something tonight?
MonicaOh, I can't. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
ChandlerOh. Oh, right! Right! Because you're still seeing him and uh, he's a good guy. I mean, I remember a time... (He fakes falling asleep.)
MonicaAre you ok?
ChandlerYeah! Totally! Totally, and you?
MonicaGreat! It's so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you I'm all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
ChandlerWell I bet he can.
MonicaYou know, I don't have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs half-heartedly) Are you sure you're ok?
ChandlerOh yeah! Yeah! Don't worry about me, I'll be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.) Rachel and Barry's bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his. RachelOhh! My God! Barry!
BarryYou-you-you said you were gonna be away all weekend!
RachelOh, that's right! I'm sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!
{She is cool. And who's even cooler? The two actually finish doing it.} Phoebe's office, she is arriving without the knowledge that she's been fired. PhoebeSurprise! Look who's back!
ArthurHey, Pheebs!
PhoebeHey!
Arthur(To another co-worker) Call security. (To Phoebe) Pheebs, didn't you get fired?
PhoebeUh, I don't think so!
JackPhoebe?
PhoebeJack! Hey!
JackWhat're you doing here?
PhoebeAll better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?
JackWell, you were fired.
PhoebeNu-uh!
JackI told that guy who answered your phone.
PhoebeOh, ok I didn't get that message. So this doesn't count- Anyway, I'll be in my office.
JackUh, Phoebe you-you don't have an office.
PhoebeThat's all right, I'll work right here. This is good, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)
Jack(approaches her) Phoebe, listen...
PhoebeYou're in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Ok? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake...
JackYou lost 13 million dollars.
PhoebeOh, so now this is all about money! You know it's bad enough, that- Ow! Oh, you have got to be kidding!
JackAre you all right?
PhoebeI'm having another heart attack!
JackWhat?!
PhoebeI'm having another heart attack!! Call 9-1-1!!
JackTake it easy. (Sits her down.)
Phoebe(to Arthur, he's the guy calling 9-1-1) Dumbass!
WomanHey Pheebs! How's it going?!
PhoebeWell, they fired me and I'm having a heart attack.
WomanWow! Well, welcome back!
PhoebeYeah. Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in. RachelHi Ross!
RossHi Rachel.
RachelIs Joey Tribbiani here?
RossUmm, no.
RachelWell, if you see him, will you please tell him that I'm looking for him and that this time I am not gonna throw up!
RossThat-that's always good news. (Rachel agrees with him) Are you ok?
RachelMe? I'm great! I'm fine! I'm sooo good! But, you know who's not great?! Men! You're a man right Ross?!
RossYeah.
RachelSit down!
RossOk. (He does so.)
RachelLet me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you we're going out of town, bam! there you are, in bed with the neighbor's dog walker?!
RossWe're sorry.
RachelNo, seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
RossDidn't you spend last night at Joey's?
RachelAw what are you?! A detective?
RossLook, I-I don't know what's going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look, can I just say not all men are like that.
RachelOh. (Doesn't believe it.)
RossHey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Ok? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
RachelWho are these men?
RossThis-this man. A guy I know.
RachelWell, you might wanna tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay.
RossShe is not... (Realizes) She's gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I can't believe this.
RachelGood day for married people huh?
RossSorry your husband cheated on you.
RachelI'm sorry your wife is gay. I guess women aren't that great either huh.
RossTry telling my wife that. Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters. Chandler(sticking his head in the door) Ok to come in?
MonicaYeah, come in, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.
ChandlerYeah I know, guess who beeped him?
MonicaWhat?!
ChandlerI'm the ruptured spleen. (Laughs.)
MonicaWhy would you do that?
ChandlerBecause you shouldn't be with him. (Pause.) You, you should be with me.
MonicaReally?
ChandlerYeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night, they don't just, happen. You know? Or at least not to me. And with the other two women, in the morning you know I was just lying there and I couldn't wait to just go hang out with my friends, but, with you I was, you know, already with a friend.
MonicaChandler!
ChandlerAnd I know you probably don't wanna go out with me, you know 'cause I make too many jokes and I've never been in a serious relationship and I guess I'm not technically a "doctor..."
(Monica runs over and kisses him.)
MonicaThere was just one woman, wasn't there?
ChandlerNo, there were two.
MonicaIncluding me?
ChandlerOh yeah. Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song as the gang looks on. Phoebe(singing)
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see...
One of them won't do it, but the second one will set you free...
Tell all your hate and anger, it's time to say goodbye...
And that is just what I will do, as soon as those bastards I work for die!
La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la......

Part I Written by Greg Malins & Adam Chase; Part II Written by David Crane & Marta Kauffman; Parts I & II Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp.