Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are there as Ross enters.
RossHey! I just got my uh, teacher evaluations! Check out what this one student wrote, "I loved Dr. Geller's class. Mind-blowing lectures! Dr. Geller, you are definitely the hottie of the paleontology department!"
ChandlerAhh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, there's a big selling calendar, eh?
RachelWho wrote it?
RossOh, I wish I knew, but the evaluations are all anonymous.
JoeyOh hey, do you still have their final exams?
JoeyOh, 'cause you could just match the evaluation to the exam with the same handwriting and boom, there's your admirer. (Ross is stunned.)
ChandlerA hot girl's at stake and all of a sudden he's Rain Man.
RachelOk, wait a minute, wait a minute, why are we so sure that this is a girl?
RossIt's a girl! Anyway, it wou- it wouldn't matter. Ok? Because I'm-I'm a teacher, she is, a student.
ChandlerOh, is that against the rules?
RossNo, but it is frowned upon.
RossBesides, there's a big age difference.
JoeyOh, well think of it like this, when you're 90...
RossI know when I'm 90 she'll be like 80 and it won't seem like such a big difference.
JoeyNo, that's not what I was gonna say at all. No, what I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.
Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are eating breakfast.
Chandler(picking up one of the table centerpieces) Monica...?
MonicaI don't know.
Joey(entering) Hey, Chandler! You know that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director?
ChandlerOh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class.
PhoebeWhat's a Movement class?
MonicaIt's Chandler's way of pretending he didn't take mime.
JoeyOh well listen, anyway she's directing the new Al Pacino movie. You gotta get me an audition!
ChandlerOh, I don't know man. I haven't talked to her in like ten years.
JoeyOh-no-no, please-please Chandler I-I-I would owe you so much!
ChandlerYou do owe me so much. You owe me three thousand, four hundred...
JoeyHey-hey dude, why are you changing the subject? Why? Will you make the call or what?
ChandlerOh, ok, I'll-I'll try.
JoeyAll right! Thanks! You're the best! Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday. Ok? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Ok? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday?
ChandlerYeah so, Tuesday?
Joey(angrily) Thursday! Look, if you need help remembering, just think of it like this, the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Ok?!
Chandler(sarcastically) Thank you.
JoeyOk. (picks up the same table centerpiece Chandler did earlier) Hey, Monica...?
ChandlerShe doesn't know.
Rachel(entering from the bathroom) Hey Mon? I'm gonna check my messages.
ChandlerYou just thought of that in there?
MonicaSure, you know, nature called, she wanted to see who else did.
(Rachel dials her number.)
Rachel(on phone) Hello? (Shocked that someone answered.) Uh, Rachel. (To the gang.) Great, someone is in our apartment. CALL, the cops!
MonicaYou're ON the phone!
Rachel(on phone) Oh my God! Oh my God! Thank you! (Hangs up) That was the fire department, there was a fire at our place!
PhoebeOh my God! How bad was it?
RachelWell, he didn't say, but it was a fire. I'm guessing not very good. Come on, we gotta go!
MonicaPhoebe, come on! (The girls all run out and Joey holds up Chandler by smiling.)
ChandlerWhat are you smiling about? What is so funny?
JoeyThe part I wanna audition for is a fireman, this is so meant to be!
NYU Paleontology department, Ross is putting up the grades on the message board.
Burt(another professor) Wow! It looks like you were very generous with your grades this semester! (Ross frantically starts to change some as a female student, Elizabeth, approaches.)
Ross(startled) Yeah, well?
ElizabethI wanted to say how much I enjoyed your class.
RossOh, thank you. Thanks very much. (Leans up against the board and on a thumbtack.) Ow! (He pulls away.)
ElizabethUh, I'm a little embarrassed about calling you a hottie on my evaluation...
RossThat was you?
ElizabethYeah. I felt a little weird about it. You're a teacher. I'm a student. But would you maybe wanna go out with me sometime?
RossOh I, I don't-I don't think that would be the best idea.
ElizabethOh, 'cause I was thinking, uh, the semester is over; you're not my teacher anymore.
Elizabeth(checks her grade) Oh, you know what? Forget it, as you already gave me an A.
RossGotcha. (Starts to leave.)
RossOh! So, so seriously, what time?
Phoebe and Rachel's, everyone minus Ross are arriving to inspect the damage. The fire department is still there.
PhoebeComing through! (Has to dodge a fireman) Oh! Coming through! (Sees a cute one.) Oh! Hello! Hi! (Smiles then realizes) No! Right! Coming through!
(They start to look around seeing that the living room is undamaged.)
MonicaOh, ok, well, it's not so bad.
Fireman #1Yeah, most of the damage is pretty much contained in the bedrooms.
RachelMy God! (They both run into the bedrooms.)
Joey(to the fireman) Hey buddy, do you think I can borrow your uniform this Thursday?
Fireman #1Excuse me?
MonicaJoey! He's working! You would look good in that.
(Phoebe and Rachel return)
JoeyOh, how bad is it?
PhoebeOh, it's bad. It's really bad. The only thing in there that isn't burned is an ax, which I do not remember buying!
ChandlerHow's your room Rach?
RachelEverything's ruined. My bed. My clothes. Look at my favorite blue sweater. (Hold it up.)
MonicaIsn't that mine?
RachelFine! I'm sorry for your loss! (Hands it back to her.)
Fireman #1So uh, you're not gonna be able to live here for a while, you ladies have a place to stay?
Rachel(stands up) Wow! Oh-ok, look pal, I am not in the mood to be hit on right now! But if you give me your number I will call you some other time.
Monica(pulling Rachel back down) Yes, they can stay with us.
ChandlerHave you figured out what started the fire Mr. Fireman?
Fireman #1Well uh, do either of you smoke?
PhoebeNo, not usually. But yeah, I could use one right now.
Fireman #1No-no-no, do you uh light candles? Burn incense?
PhoebeYes! I do! All the time! I love them! Ohh! Oh my God! I did it! It's me! It's me! I burned down the house! I burned down the house!
RachelOk Phoebe calm down, there's no need to place blame. Ok? (To the fireman) I warned her about those candles.
Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is on the phone as Joey enters.
ChandlerGod, it's great to catch up! I can't believe how long it's been!
JoeyHey, Chandler! Is that... (Mimes someone using a movie camera and Chandler nods yes.)
Chandler(on phone) Oh that's great! Good for you.
JoeyHey-hey listen... (Chandler waves him away.)
ChandlerOk! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm... (Joey mimes throwing something in the air, catching it, rolling it out, putting it in an oven and cutting it.) Can you hold on for one second please? (To Joey) What?!
JoeyWhen you're off the phone, you wanna get a pizza?
Chandler(on phone) Hi! I'm back. (Goes to hang up the phone.) Yeah, that sounds great. (Listens) Ok. Well, we'll do it then. (Listens) Ok, bye. (He hangs up the phone and turns around to see Joey standing close to him and screams.)
JoeyHey, listen, so when's-when's my audition? I mean I know it's Thursday, but what time?
Chandler(To Joey) We didn't get to the audition. I'm gonna take her to coffee and then we'll do it then.
MonicaWow! So, now you're going on a date with this girl?
ChandlerHoney, it is not a date! I haven't talked to her in ten years! You can't just call up somebody you haven't talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. There are rules, you know? You gotta, you put in some time.
MonicaYou're right, I'm sorry. It's not like you're you know, going out with an ex-girlfriend.
ChandlerNo, we only went out once.
MonicaYou dated her!
MonicaAll right, well why don't I go out with an ex-boyfriend you know, and you know, do Joey a favor?!
JoeyHey, you wanna do Joey a favor, maybe you go out with Joey. (He turns around to see Chandler glaring at him.)
Central Perk, Chandler is having coffee with Dana.
Chandler(laughs) Oh that's great, my friend Joey's in the movie business.
DanaYou know who I ran into from school? Howie.
Chandler(giggles) My friend's name is Joey.
DanaApparently Howie's editing now. Yeah, he-he-he calls me up and asks me if he can edit my new movie. Can you believe that?! You know I-I-I haven't spoken to him in, in what, ten years and he asks me for a favor?!
ChandlerYeah, I've always hated that Howie.
DanaNo, no "How you doing?" Man, I mean not even a cup of coffee first!
ChandlerThe nerve huh?
Monica and Chandler's, Monica is about to debut Hotel Monica (formerly known as Rachel's Room) to Phoebe and Rachel.
MonicaNow, this is last-minute so I want to apologize for the mess. Ok?
(They walk into a completely redecorated and repainted room. And of course, the room is immaculate. Only an obsessive-compulsive like Monica could find fault with the room.)
RachelOh, my God! Sure didn't look this way when I lived here.
MonicaI know! Now, look, there's only one problem though. There's only room for one, so I guess one of you will have to stay at Joey's.
PhoebeWell, since the fire was kinda my fault I guess (To Rachel) you should get to stay here.
RachelHey! Hey-hey, now, this was no one's fault, Pheebs. Ok? It was an accident.
PhoebeWell no, it was my fault so you should get the nice room.
RachelOk! (She jumps on the bed.)
MonicaSo Rach! You're the first guest at Hotel Monica! Umm, you said to tell me how you like your eggs in the morning. And I thought I would bring them to you, you know, in bed. Oh, you've been through so much.
Joey's apartment, Joey is showing Phoebe around.
JoeyThis right here is where I keep the pizza. (He points to the chair.) And uh that's where the napkin is. (Points to the floor next to the chair.)
PhoebeWhat's that smell?
JoeyI know! How do I-
A street, Ross is walking with Elizabeth on their date.
ElizabethOh please! It was such a big class! You never even noticed me!
RossWhat? Of course I did! You uh, you sat next to Sleepy Sleeperson.
RossOh uh, I had trouble remembering everyone's name, so I-I kinda came up with nicknames. Like the guy on the other side of you was Smelly von Brownshirt.
ElizabethOh, yeah. So, umm, did you have a nickname for me?
RossUh, no. No.
ElizabethYes you did! What was it?
RossUmm, it's Cutie McPretty.
ElizabethOhhh, that's so sweet!
RossListen, I gotta tell you, I'm, I'm having a great time! You know how before you said it might be weird, the whole student teacher thing, and I, to be frank, I thought it would be too, but it's not. I mean it's not at all.
Burt(exiting from a restaurant) Dr. Geller!
Ross(pushing Elizabeth into a doorway) Burt!
Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are cleaning up the mess.
PhoebeSo, did you sleep well last night?
RachelI did, Monica was so sweet, she left a little mint on my pillow.
PhoebeYou know what Joey left on my pillow?
Fireman #2Well, we determined the cause of the fire.
PhoebeYeah I know I know, it was my candle. My candle!
Fireman #2No, there was an appliance left on in the bathroom. It's looks like a curling iron.
PhoebeI don't use a curling iron.
Fireman #2Well someone does.
(Phoebe looks at Rachel.)
RachelWell, don't look at me! My hair's straight! Straight! Straight! Straight!
Fireman #2Could've been a hair straightener.
Joey's apartment, Joey is now showing Rachel around.
JoeyThis is where I keep the pizza. (It's the same location as before.) And- Hey! Where did the napkin go?! (The napkin is not in it's spot.)
Rachel(smells something) What is that? (sniffs again) Is that old shrimp?
Joey(sniffs) I think it is!
Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is reading and Monica runs over and turns on the lamp behind Phoebe.
MonicaNow there you go! I wouldn't want my best guest to strain her eyes!
MonicaDoes that smell bother you?
PhoebeWhat- the smell from Joey's? No, I can hardly smell it over here.
MonicaWell you let me know if you can, 'cause you know I can bake a pie to cover it.
PhoebeI can smell it a little, bake the pie.
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
MonicaHello? (Listens) Oh yes, one minute please. (To Phoebe) It's for you. It's the fire inspector.
PhoebeOh! (Takes the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Yeah this is Phoebe. (Listens) Really?!
[Cut to Joey's, he's on the phone.]
Joey(in a funny voice) Yeah, so it turns out that it wasn't the hair straightener that started the fire. (Rachel prompts him on what to say next.) No-no, it was the candles. Yeah. It's very not good leaving candles unattended. In fact, one of the first things they teach you in fire school, is... (Phoebe suddenly enters.) Uhh... Uhh... Ok. Well, I have to go now. (Phoebe leaves.)
Joey's apartment, Ross is telling Monica and Joey about his date with Elizabeth.
RossWe had such a great time! I mean she's-she's incredible! I thought the-the age difference might be a problem, but it wasn't. It wasn't at all. Elizabeth is-is very mature for her age. (Joey makes the international sign for big boobies.) (To Monica) A concept lost on some people!
MonicaSo it's ok to date a student?
RossWell, not really. I mean technically it's-it's not against the rules or anything, but it is frowned upon. Especially by that professor we ran into last night, Judgey von Holierthanthou.
MonicaWell Ross, you just be careful ok? You don't wanna get a reputation as, you know, Professor McNails-His-Students.
RossYeah. What-what should I do?
JoeyWell Ross, it seems pretty clear. I mean what's more important? What people think or how you feel, huh? Ross, you gotta follow your heart.
MonicaJoey, that is so sweet.
(He turns his back to Monica and does the international sign for big boobies again.)
JoeyHey hey! So, how did it go with Dana? Any reason I should leave a block of time open say Thursday?
ChandlerI couldn't do it.
JoeyYou couldn't do it?!
ChandlerHey, relax, I just need more time. We're going to dinner tonight.
MonicaWhat?! You're going out with her again?!
RossGoing out with who?
ChandlerUh, Dana Keystone from college.
RossOh yeah! Wasn't she uh... (Does the international sign for big boobies.)
ChandlerNo, that was Dana Caplin.
The GuysOhh! Oh good. (They all look up in a moment of reflection.)
MonicaJoey! You didn't even know her!
A Restaurant, Chandler is having dinner with Dana.
ChandlerGreat story again! The yarns that you weave! Woo-hoo-hoo!
DanaYou know, uh, actually- I, I should get going.
ChandlerOh no no! Stay! Stay! Because you-you should you-you should stay!
DanaWow. Oh, I am really flattered, but I just, I don't feel that way about you.
ChandlerOh no no no, that's not- No no no!
DanaI'm sorry, Chandler, you know you are such a sweet guy and I, I don't wanna hurt you. Oh, I wish there was something I can do to make you feel better.
ChandlerNo no- Really?!
Chandler(breaking up) Well, it just hurts so bad. I uh...
DanaOhh, I'm sorry.
ChandlerWell maybe there is one thing you can do.
DanaWhat?! Anything! Anything!
ChandlerWell, I umm, I mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm, but I have this friend. Uh, this actor friend and he would kill me if he thought I was doing this, umm, but, umm, would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie, say on Thursday?
DanaAbsolutely! But you-you would really feel better about me rejecting you if your actor friend can audition for my movie?
ChandlerWell, the heart wants what it wants. I'll see you later. (He runs off and leaves her with the bill, which the waiter promptly delivers.)
Hotel Monica, Phoebe is on the bed playing her guitar as Monica enters.
MonicaHey! How's it going?
PhoebeWell, not much has changed in the last five minutes.
MonicaYes it has! I made cookies!
PhoebeOh, well, that's all right. I'm still full from your homemade potato chips.
MonicaOh. But you should eat them now, because they're hot from the oven.
PhoebeOk. (Reaches for one.)
Monica(pulling the plate back) No, but not in here! Can't eat 'em in bed, remember? No crumbies!
Phoebe(gritting her teeth) Ok, I'll be out in a second.
(Monica leaves and Phoebe closes the door behind her and tries to lock it.)
Monica(opening the door) What're you doing?
PhoebeThat doesn't lock does it?
Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.
RachelOh, Joey! Sorry!
JoeyNo, that's all right. Don't worry about it.
RachelOhhh. No, but look! Aw, that's gonna leave a stain!
JoeyRach! Hey! It's fine! You're at Joey's!
JoeyYeah! Look! (He throws some of his spaghetti on the floor.)
RachelHuh! I've never lived like this before.
(Rachel throws some of hers down.)
JoeyAll right well, don't waste it, I mean it's still food. Geez. (He picks it up and eats it.)
Central Perk, Ross and Elizabeth are deciding what to do on their second date.
RossWhat do you wanna do now? Huh? You-you wanna go get a drink?
ElizabethUhh, I can't.
RossOh, you-you have some studying to do?
ElizabethNo, I have some turning 21 to do.
RossYou know I remember when uh, when I was in college, we used to... (He sees some of his colleagues enter and puts his head on her lap.)
ElizabethWhat're you doing?
RossNothing, I'm-I'm just, I'm so comfortable with you!
ElizabethDo you not wanna be seen with me?
RossWhat? No! Of cour- of course I do! Are-are they gone?
ElizabethUh no, they're still here but I think I'm about to leave.
RossWhat?! No! No! Wait! You're right, this is stupid. Who cares what people think? I mean, we-we like each other, right? There's nothing wrong with that. Come on. (They get up and go over to the table where his colleagues are sitting.) Burt? Lydia? Mel? This is Elizabeth.
LydiaAren't you in my Popular Culture class?
RossThat's right Lydia, Elizabeth here is a student and uh, we're dating. And you may frown upon that, but we're not gonna hide it anymore.
MelYou are so fired.
BurtThey're gonna fire you! You can't date a student! It's against the rules.
RossReally? Its not just frowned upon?
Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are throwing huge spitballs at the entertainment center.
RachelI love it at Joey's!
JoeyHey, here you go. (Hands her another one.)
Chandler(entering, sees Rachel's throw) Ni-hi-ice!
Chandler(To Joey) So, you busy Thursday?
JoeyOh, very funny. I don't know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be Thursday. (Chandler doesn't say anything until Joey figures it out.) You got me the audition?! Let's hug it up! (They hug.)
ChandlerOk. Ok. (Joey puts him down.) What're you gonna do to me if you get the part?
Phoebe(entering) Hey! Hi!
Phoebe(To Rachel) Listen, umm, yeah ok, I need to talk to you!
PhoebeNow, I know that they said that the umm, the hair straightener started the fire but I think I'm partly at fault. You see, I didn't, I didn't tell you but umm, but I-I had recently refilled the tissues and so you know let's just face it, that's just kindling! So I think it's better that I stay at Joey's.
RachelNo, no no no no. Phoebe, this was my fault and besides you know what? I'm fine here.
PhoebeOk. Oh umm, Chandler, Monica is looking for you.
PhoebeYeah she said something about crumbies.
ChandlerNo! No! No! I was so careful! (Runs out.)
Phoebe(To Rachel) Ok, you have to switch with me! Monica is driving me crazy!
JoeyThat's right, all the ladies wanna stay at Joey's.
RachelNo! No! Phoebe, uh come on! I don't wanna switch place! Come on! I get to throw wet paper towels here!
PhoebeNo, but at Monica's you can eat cookies over the sink!
RachelI know. I'm sorry.
PhoebeAll right, fine! This looks like so much fun. (Examining the bowl of wet paper towels.)
PhoebeGod, what a mess. (She grabs the bowl and heads for Monica's.)
Ross's apartment, Ross is looking at his handbook. Elizabeth is also there.
RossWow! It actually is in the handbook. I can't date you or have a hot plate in my office. I can't believe we have to stop seeing each other.
ElizabethFor what it's worth I did appreciate you standing up for me. It felt really nice. Kinda made me like you even more.
RossI know, I know I really like you too. But we-we can't date. It's against the rules. It's forbidden.
ElizabethJust hearing you describe it as forbidden, it's really hot.
RossWell I-I-I don't care how hot it is it's-it's uh, it's wrong.
ElizabethStop it! (She starts to get all worked up.)
Ross(feeling it too) No! No! It's wrong! It's-it's-it's naughty. It's taboo.
ElizabethShut the book!
(They frantically start making out.)
RossLet's also get a hot plate!
(They start making out again.)
Joey's apartment, Joey is eating pizza as Chandler enters.
ChandlerIt's Thursday! How was the audition?!
JoeyIt's Th- Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when huh what? Thurs - (He gasps in horror.) Oh! (Runs out and Chandler just shakes his head. After a second Joey runs back in to grab a piece of pizza and runs back out.)
Written by Seth Kurland; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp.