Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica are there. Rachel is reading everyone's horoscope.
RachelAnd your horoscope says, "On the fifth a special someone is going to give you a gift."
Chandler(To Monica) Oh, well thank you in advance. (Kisses her.)
RachelOp, but the twelfth brings a lover's spat.
Monica(To Chandler) You are going to make a joke about my special present! Why would you do that?!
RachelOh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself.
(Phoebe winks and licks her lips while eyeing Chandler.)
Joey(entering) Hey you guys!
Rachel(ecstatic) Oh my God! It's Joey Tribbiani of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!
(Everyone claps and cheers, Joey mimics looking about with a gun.)
ChandlerOh that's right. It's your first day! So are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?
JoeyAm I psyched? The lead in my own TV series? I've dreamed about this for years! Why have I not been preparing?!
PhoebeNo! Joey, you're gonna be great!
JoeyBut I gotta act with a robot Pheebs, and-and I don't know anything about technology! I can't even use Chandler's computer except to find porn! And-and that's only 'cause it's right there when you turn it on!
MonicaI think our lover's spat will start a little early this month.
Phoebe(in a sexy voice to Chandler) I'll be waiting.
Central Perk, time lapse. Phoebe is now looking at the covers of two different books.
ChandlerAre you judging them by their covers? 'Cause you're really not supposed to do that.
PhoebeNo, I'm just deciding which one to use- I'm gonna start writing another book!
RachelBe-because the last one was such a big seller?
PhoebeWell, if you must know, I have written 14 books. And as I am the only one who has read them, I can tell you that they have all been very well received. But you know, I lost all of them in the fire. So this one-this one I'm gonna keep in an asbestos-lined box far way from Rachel. (Rachel glares at her.) Who I forgive. (Rachel still glares at her.)
RossWhat're you guys doing later?
PhoebeOh, Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut.
Rachel(To Phoebe) We do?
PhoebeI wanna see what he wants first.
Ross(continuing) I just found out Elizabeth's dad wants to meet me.
ChandlerWait a minute, hold the phone! You're not Elizabeth's dad?!
RossOk, that's the only one you get. (To the rest) And he hates me! Ok, apparently he asked Elizabeth why she'd wanna go out with a guy who couldn't get a girl his own age!
RachelHuh, and-and what did she say to that? (She giggles.)
RossAnd that's yours. (To the rest) Look, come on guys, I-I really want this guy to like me. It-it would really help me out if you guys could be here to kind of make me look good.
AllOf course we'll help! Yeah! We'll be here!
MonicaWe know how tough those parent/teacher conferences can be.
Pier 59 Studios, it's the set of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. The producer is showing Joey around the set.
The Producer(walking into Mac's office) So uh, here's your office set!
JoeyWow! Huh? (Picks up the phone) Mac Macaveli, private investigator! (Goes over to a bookshelf) Ooh, huh, hey look at all the books I've read.
The ProducerOk. (checking his watch) Let's get you into wardrobe for a fitting.
JoeyOk. Hey uh, when do I get to meet the robot?
The ProducerI'm sorry, why don't we do that right now? He's right here. (Points to a guy.)
The ProducerJoey Tribbiani, this is...
JoeyOh wow! He's so lifelike! (Starts touching the guy's cheeks) Unbelievable! (He starts tugging on the guy's ears.
The ProducerThis is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey(slaps Wayne on his cheek) How do you do there, Wayne? (Backs away.)
The ProducerI'll let you two guys get acquainted, huh? (Walks away.)
JoeyOk. Sorry about that...(Mimics that cheek thing he just did.) Uh, so where's C.H.E.E.S.E.?
WayneC.H.E.E.S.E. is right here. (He puts on his headset, picks up the controller, and wheels C.H.E.E.S.E. in. C.H.E.E.S.E. is just a plain old robot on tracks; he kinda looks like No. 5 in the movie Short Circuit.)
C.H.E.E.S.E.(Wayne with a computerized voice) Nice to meet you Mac!
Joey(laughs) This is like the temporary robot, right?
JoeyWell, I-I just, I just thought it was gonna be like a really cool robot, you know? Like the Terminator or uh, when I first saw you.
WayneI spent two years developing this machine, it's absolutely state-of-the-art.
JoeyI'm sorry, it just- I don't know it doesn't really look like it can do anything.
WayneIt can do this. (He moves C.H.E.E.S.E.'s arm close to Joey's special area and he jumps back.)
Central Perk, Ross is at the counter drinking coffee as Elizabeth enters with her dad, Paul. Elizabeth goes to kiss Ross, but he just kisses her on the forehead. By the way Paul is played by Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis from Moonlighting, Die Hard, and Armageddon.
ElizabethThis is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad, this is Ross Geller.
RossIt-it's great to meet you Paul.
PaulI usually prefer Elizabeth's boyfriends to address me as Mr. Stevens.
RossOf course, of course, Mr. Stevens.
PaulSo, Ross, what's your problem?
RossEh-wh- Excuse me?
PaulWhy can't you get a girlfriend your own age?
RossThat's funny. Umm.... (Pause, then serious) It's not funny.
PaulI don't like you going out with my daughter Ross.
RossOk. Um, I can, I can see that. Umm, but I think, if you give me umm, one chance, I can, I can change your mind.
PaulOk. I'll give you one chance to change my mind. (Ross laughs in relief) You got one minute. (Ross suddenly gets worried.)
PaulFine! Two minutes. Go.
RossThis is- you- (Ross starts laughing.)
Paul(laughs then checking his watch) A minute 50 seconds.
RossOk, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. I mean, I mean I've been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never done it with a student- I mean I not- not it! I mean, I mean I don't- We haven't done it. Uh, we, I mean, I mean, we've-we've-we've done stuff. But- (Paul is not amused.) Ok, ok, a joke, a joke - lighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish.
RossAnd the Irish guy wins the joke!
(Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe enter.)
MonicaHow crazy that we'd run into you!
RossOh God, thank you! (Runs and gives all of them a group hug.) Umm, uh, Mr. Stevens, I'd like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler.
Paul(shakes Phoebe's hand) Phoebe.
RossHi. Monica. (shakes her hand.)
Paul(points to Chandler) Chunder.
PaulNever gonna remember that.
PhoebeWow, so you're Elizabeth's father, huh? I can see now where she gets her rugged handsomeness.
Monica(obviously attracted to him) Is-is-is there a-a Mrs. Stevens?
ChandlerThere's a Mr. Bing!
PaulNo, unfortunately Lizzie's mom passed away shortly after she was born. I raised her by myself.
Phoebe and Monica(sympathetic) Ohh!
PaulI get that a lot.
RossOk, umm, why don't we all take a seat, you know? And uh, and I'll get us all some uh some coffees - (He goes to pull out Elizabeth's chair, but Paul steps in)- Yeah, why don't you. (Paul pulls out her chair) Uh and you guys can talk about whatever, whatever you want. You know? Whatever pops into your head. (He turns his back to Paul and Elizabeth and points to himself for Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe. Then he goes to order the coffee.)
MonicaYou know, it is so strange seeing Ross here this time of day, 'cause usually he's at the children's hospital.
PhoebeYeah. Not looking for dates. (Monica turns in horror.)
ElizabethSo uh, Monica is Ross's sister.
MonicaAnd he's a great brother!
PaulI had a sister.
PaulShe passed away.
Monica and Phoebe(sympathetic) Ohh!
PaulOh, you don't have to do that every time.
ChandlerBut uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I-I was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny story... (He starts laughing then notices that Paul isn't happy.) Your roommate in college died didn't he?
PaulA part of him did, yes.
Ross(returning with the coffee) Ok here we are Paul, Elizabeth. (He sets down their cups.) So I hope you guys were finding something to talk about.
ChandlerYes, we were just...
(Rachel runs in.)
RachelHi, I'm sorry I'm late but I am ready, ready to talk you up! When does Liz's father get here?
PaulI'm already here.
RachelOh! Ross is sooo great!
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is working on her book at the kitchen table. Monica enters the living room from her bedroom.
MonicaHey Pheebs. How's the book writing going?
PhoebeReally well. I'm up to page 47.
MonicaWow! What're you writing?
Chandler(entering from the bathroom holding a bag of toilet paper) Hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were gonna to get the kind with the baby.
MonicaNo, you said the baby creeps you out.
ChandlerNo, the little girl creeps me out.
MonicaYou said the baby.
ChandlerWhy would the baby creep me out?
MonicaWhy would the little girl creep you out?
Phoebe(writing frantically) You guys, I'm sorry, can you please talk a little slower?
ChandlerThis is going in your book?
PhoebeYeah, it's about relationships. You know? The traps, the pitfalls, what not to do, keep going. This stuff is great!
MonicaWhat?! Excuse me!
PhoebeAnd how none of it matters when the people really love each other. (Chandler and Monica kiss.) And how people will believe anything you tell them as long as it's a compliment.
Central Perk, Rachel is there alone as Paul enters.
Rachel(seeing him) Oh hi!
PaulHi! Hi. (He's looking around.) I guess I left my keys here somewhere.
RachelOh! Well let's look for 'em. (Finds some under one of the couch cushions. It has a pink, fuzzy ball on the key chain.) Oh-oh-hey! Are these them?
RachelAll right! (Throws them back under the cushion.)
PaulOh, here they are, right here. (Picks them up from underneath the corner of the couch.)
PaulThanks for your help. (Starts to leave.)
RachelYeah- (chasing after him) Oh, wait! Sorry, Mr. Paul? Mr. Paul?
PaulJust call me Paul.
RachelPaul. Umm, I just wanted you to know, that you know Ross really is a great guy.
PaulWell maybe you could date him then that would save me the trouble of killing him. (Rachel laughs then starts looking at him.) Are you ok?
RachelYou just don't look old enough to have a twenty-year-old daughter.
PaulWell, we were very young when we had her.
PaulWell yeah, it usually, it takes two people to... (He taps his index fingers together.)
RachelOh no! Yes! Of course, I know that! I just - I meant you know are you still a 'We' or are you just 'You?'
PaulI'm just me, my wife died shortly after Lizzie was born.
Rachel(sympathetic) Ohh. So you raised her all on your own?
PaulYes I did.
RachelOhh. (She touches his arm for support and likes what she feels) Ooh!
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are in the kitchen. Chandler is writing something down.
MonicaWhat're you writing there?
ChandlerI'm drawing a picture of you.
Monica(looks at the drawing) Hmm, well, that's very flattering. Yeah, but it'd be great if you could draw me with some clothes and, you know, a head.
Phoebe(on the couch) Hey!
MonicaHow was your first day?
JoeyPretty great! Except I did get a little attitude from the robot.
ChandlerDamn those robots, they're supposed to be our faithful servants!
JoeyAnyway, it wasn't the robot, it was the guy who controls him. Yeah, he doesn't like me. He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich table right when I was reaching for one! Ohh!
PhoebeSo why don't you just get him fired?
JoeyI may have to, I hate to do it, but I'm the star! You know? There's a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor. (His cell phone rings) 'Scuse me. (Answers it, on phone) Joey Tribbiani.
Estelle(on the other end) Joe! I'm glad I found ya, I got an audition for ya!
EstelleThe thing is it's kinda on the Q.T. The actor who has the part doesn't know he might be fired. It's the lead in a series, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
JoeyI'm the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!
Joey and Rachel's, Ross is entering looking for Joey, but instead he finds Paul and Rachel making out on the couch.
RachelI was just getting him to like you.
Ross(Ignores them) Joey?! Joey! (He runs into his bedroom.)
RachelRoss, Joey is not here.
RossOk, I'll just wait for him in here!
RachelRoss, it's ok. You can come out.
PaulYeah Ross it's ok, it's me, Mr. Stevens.
Ross(coming out of the bedroom) Oh! I didn't know, my gosh! I didn't even see you!
PaulSure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, you ran into the bedroom. You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach. (Kisses her.)
PaulI'll call you later. Bye Ross. (Leaves)
RossWhat-what-what the- how da-how did-what the-how did-what?!
RachelWell, you know, he lost his keys so he was looking for them...
Ross(incredulous) In your mouth?!
RachelNo! Downstairs! And we got to talking you know, for like two hours, and I really liked him so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee.
RossYou were at the coffee house!
RachelRoss, what's the big deal? So I kissed the guy!
RossHe is my girlfriend's father, ok? It's-it's, it's weird!
RachelWh- You dated my sister!
RossThat was different!
RossThis is weird for me!
RachelRoss look, look this is good for you. Ok? Let's face it, so far the guy's not loving ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside track! We could all go out to dinner, you know? And I can talk you up! Plus, the guy is a very, very successful lawyer!
RossHow is that important?
RachelOh it's important!
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Joey is telling everyone about his impending termination at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
JoeySo, apparently, there's like a million guys out there that can play Mac, and there's only this one robot and this one guy who controls it! I didn't know he could get me fired! What am I gonna do?
MonicaWell you know Joey, you're a pretty charming guy.
JoeyThanks, but I kinda have a problem to deal with here.
MonicaNo sweetie, you've got to win over the guy who controls C.H.E.E.S.E.! You gotta go back there and kiss some serious robot ass!
JoeyThat's not a bad idea. Yeah. Ok, but if I gotta turn on the charm tomorrow I'm not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys. (Starts to leave, but stops and turns to Phoebe.) Well, actually I got a little bit saved for you Pheebs. (Exits.)
ChandlerSo do you think uh, Joey's more charming than me?
MonicaYeah! That's why I'm sleeping with him on the side.
ChandlerYeah, you wish. (Stops to think about it and gets depressed.)
Phoebe(writing in her book) "You wish."
MonicaPhoebe, stop writing about us!
PhoebeI'm not writing about you! I'm writing about other people.
PhoebeMarcia and Chester.
MonicaOk fine! Fine! Then you know what, I'll just write about Phyllis! Hmm!
Monica(writing on a piece of paper) Phyllis is sitting in a chair.
PhoebeI see what you're doing!
Monica(still writing) Phyllis sees what I'm doing.
PhoebeOoh, I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter!
Pier 59 Studios, Joey is walking up to C.H.E.E.S.E. and Wayne.
JoeyMorning! Hey, how's my favorite genius and this little robot buddy?! (Pats C.H.E.E.S.E. on the head.)
WayneDon't touch him!
JoeyOk! (He yanks his hand away.) All right. Umm, all right Wayne, look, level with me. Ok? I-I keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired. Ok, they even have actors coming in to read for my part! Come on, man, you-you gotta give me a second chance! I mean, I love-I love this little guy! (He grabs C.H.E.E.S.E.'s arm and pulls it off at the elbow.) Ah-ah! (Wayne is shocked.) Ok, that's why you didn't want me to touch him, right? Here you go! Ok? (Hands Wayne the arm and he goes to fix it. Meanwhile Joey starts to berate himself.) Stupid! I can't believe it! God! (A very beautiful woman walks by.) (To her) Hey, how you doing? (He and her go over to talk and Wayne looks on with envy.)
A Restaurant, Ross and Rachel are on their double date. Rachel is busy talking Ross up.
RachelSo it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly, offered to take me.
ElizabethWhat a nice story!
PaulSo Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom.
RachelWow! I definitely did not see that one backfiring! I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
RossYeah, take your time.
(Rachel heads for the bathroom.)
Ross(to Paul) You know, just-just so you know I was a freshman and she was a senior. So it wasn't as bad as-as...
PaulRoss, look, I know I've been giving you a lot of jabs and it's partly because I'm very protective, of Lizzie, and partly because, well, they just keep coming to me. But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told me and the many, many, (pause) many stories that Rachel has told me that, well (pause) you're not (pause) all bad.
RossNot all bad.
PaulAnd anyhow, I'm sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to understand I (pause) still look at Lizzie like she's a twelve-year-old girl.
RossYeah. You know what? I know what you mean; I do that too.
PaulI beg your pardon?
RossNo! No! Not- I don't mean I-I see her as a twelve-year-old girl! I mean I-I have a son, who's umm six and I still think of him as a baby.
PaulYou have a son?
RossYeah, well my-my ex-wife and I uh, share custody of Ben and umm, uh, and just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms as I'm sure you are with your wife! (Realizes) Oh, I'm sorry! (To Elizabeth) It's unbelievable!
PaulDon't worry about it, I just didn't realize you were married. (Rachel returns and hears that.)
RachelOh we were, but that was just a (pause as the audience reacts), I mean that was just a big drunken mistake.
PaulYou two were married?!
RachelOh! Whoops! I'm sorry, you were talking about Emily!
(Ross slams his head down on the table.)
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are entering and they're arguing.
MonicaChandler, we said we would meet at the coffee house at six.
ChandlerWe said seven!
MonicaWe said six!
ChandlerThe only way that I said six, would be if I said the seventh, let's meet at seven, not at six.
MonicaYeah and if I had said seven, maybe I would've said something like this, "Wow! My boyfriend's such a wiseass - seven!"
Phoebe(Turning around in the chair) Hi!
ChandlerOh my good God.
PhoebeI know what time you said.
PhoebeWell, actually, I know what time Chester and Marcia said.
PhoebeQuite an interesting turn of events, suddenly it's my book to the rescue, huh? (Reading her book) Ooh, very interesting. Yeah, well this certainly clears things up.
Chandler(disgusted) What's it say?!
PhoebeI will tell you as soon as you thank me for writing my book.
ChandlerThank you for writing your book. It's-it's a great book and you are the queen of everything.
PhoebeThanks! So are you.
Chandler(To Monica) I told you I should not wear this color. (He's wearing a reddish-orange sweater.)
Phoebe(reading from her book) Monic... (Pause as she restarts) Marcia and Chester are planning on seeing a movie Sunday night. Marcia thinks they're supposed to meet at six, Chester thinks it's at seven.
ChandlerSo you knew we were gonna miss the movie!
MonicaInstead of telling us you decided to write in your stupid book!
Phoebe(writing in her book) Marcia and Chester are mad at Phyllis.
Joey's Dressing Room, Joey and Chandler are there.
JoeyI can't believe I'm gonna lose this job!
ChandlerOh I'm so sorry man! Is there anything I can do?
JoeyYeah! Help me get this mini-fridge past the security guard.
(There's a knock on the door and Joey answers it to Wayne.)
WayneHey Joey, I wanna talk to you.
JoeyYeah? Well, I don't wanna talk to you, Wayne! I hate you! You ruined my life! Oh, Chandler, Wayne. Wayne, Chandler. (They shake hands.)
ChandlerHi, how are ya?
WayneJoey, Joey, I-I-I'll g-get you your job back if you help me out.
Joey(incredulous) Why should I help you out?!
Chandler(whispering in Joey's ear) The reason he just said.
Joey(happily) What do you need?
WayneI-I-I saw you on stage talking to that beautiful woman, you know, Sarah?
WayneI wish I could talk to her.
JoeyWhat are you in love with her or something?
WayneYeah. Her. All of them. Anyone.
ChandlerYeah, I've been there my friend.
WayneListen, I-I guarantee you keep your job if-if you can teach me how to talk to women like you do.
JoeyOh wow Wayne, it's not really something you can teach you know? It's pretty much something you're born with if you- (Off Chandler's look) - You-you can teach it! I'll show you right on.
JoeySure. Yeah, I taught him.
ChandlerYeah. You should see the woman I'm with, way out of my league.
Joey(chuckles) In fact, if you want, I can get you her. (Turns and nods 'no' to Chandler.)
A Restaurant, Rachel is still trying to talk up Ross, not to much success.
RachelI mean, if you think about it, I mean Ross did learn something from each marriage.
PaulHow to make the next one even shorter?
RachelNow wait a minute that's not fair. I mean he was married to me a hell of a lot longer than he was married to Emily, he just didn't tell me. (Everyone looks at her, Ross's not happily.) Maybe I have to pee again. (Gets up to try to use the bathroom.)
PaulWell, this is fun. So, Ross, did you kill any of these wives?
RossI-I-I... I-I have had enough of this! You know, I-I-I care a great deal about your daughter and I have treated her with nothing but respect! So if-if you got a problem with me, frankly...
PaulAre you yelling at me?!
ElizabethYou know what daddy? If you don't like Ross, that's fine. It doesn't matter to me, I'm gonna go out with him anyway.
PaulReally?! (She nods in the affirmative.)
RossWell if it doesn't matter to her, it doesn't matter to me! (to Paul) Still not yelling!
PaulWow. What can I say? (Pause, pointing at Ross) This doesn't make me like you any better!
RossThat's ok, I'm not so crazy about myself right now either.
PaulThen we agree?
RossUh yeah, I gue- Yeah, I guess so.
PaulNeither of us like Ross!
ElizabethI like Ross.
Rachel(returning) Wait-wait-wait, I just thought of another story about how nice Ross is!
RossUh that's ok Rach, we're not liking Ross right now.
RachelOh! I've got a lot of those too!
Mac's Office, Mac is talking to C.H.E.E.S.E. about their case.
JoeyWell, it turns out you were right C.H.E.E.S.E.
C.H.E.E.S.E.The shipment never made it through Omaha?
JoeyYou got it! And the rabbi's beard, 100% horsehair. Nice catch C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Pauses as he waits for C.H.E.E.S.E.'s next line.) It's your line C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Suddenly C.H.E.E.S.E. goes crazy and starts flinging it's arms and advancing on Joey behind the desk.) Wayne! Wayne!!
(The camera cuts to Wayne who's busy making out with Sarah and rubbing C.H.E.E.S.E.'s controller on her back causing C.H.E.E.S.E. to go crazy. Joey starts throwing books at C.H.E.E.S.E. to get him to stop.)
Teleplay by Scott Siveri; Story by David J. Lagana; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp.