Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is at the sink and Chandler is looking at a ring brochure. ChandlerPheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for Monica? I can't figure this out! It's so hard! Should I get her a (turning to each page) Tiffany cut, or a Princess cut or a- ah-ah! Paper cut!
PhoebeNow, have you told anyone else?
ChandlerNo, I don't wanna tell anybody else because I don't want Monica to find out.
PhoebeYou told me.
ChandlerWell, it's because I trust you, and you're one of my best friends, and you walked in on me while I was looking at ring brochures.
PhoebeYeah well, once again not knocking pays off. I only wish you hadn't been on the toilet.
ChandlerMe too.
PhoebeNow, let me see. Is there such a thing as a Monica cut? 'Cause that would be your best bet.
(Joey and Ross enter causing Chandler to quickly hide the brochure behind his back.)
JoeyHey. (Heads straight for the fridge.)
PhoebeHey! So Chandler, wanna go to the coffee house?
ChandlerOh all right.
PhoebeYeah, coffee house.
RossOh perfect, we were just gonna see if you wanted to go.
ChandlerOh well, we don't, 'cause we got...the...other pl-place.
(Joey returns with a piece of pizza as Chandler and Phoebe exit.)
RossHow rude.
JoeyOh, I'm sorry. You wanna bite? (Holds his piece out for him.) Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. PhoebeSo how are things going with Paul?
RachelGood. Although you know, he-he's a private guy. You know, I wish I could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings.
PhoebeThat's easy! You just have to think of him as a-as a jar of pickles that won't open.
RachelSo what are you saying; I should run him under hot water and bang his head against a table? {The metal lids expand more than the glass jars.}
PhoebeNo, that's what you do when you wanna get the truth out of someone.
Paul(entering) Hi honey.
Phoebe(To Rachel) Watch this.
Paul(To Rachel) How are you?
PhoebeHi Paul!
PaulHi, Phoebe.
PhoebeSo how are things going with you?
PaulCan't complain.
(Phoebe turns to Rachel and mimes remove a lid of a jar. Ross enters and Paul motions for Rachel to leave with him now.)
Paul(whispering) Let's go.
RachelOk. (Gets up and starts to leave with Paul.)
Paul(To Ross) Hey!
(They shake hands and their lines overlap.)
RossGreat to see you!
PaulGood to see you too!
RossHow you doing?
PaulGood. Bye! (Starts to leave.)
RossOk! You take care!
(Ross turns his back on Paul and makes a 'I hate that guy' face. Paul does the same thing.)
RossHey Pheebs, what-what was the deal with you and Chandler blowing us off before?
PhoebeYeah! That was so weird, huh?
RossPhoebe, why'd you do it?
PhoebeI didn't do it! It was Chandler! He's... He's mad at you!
RossWhat?! Why?!
PhoebePlease, I think you know why.
RossI can't think of anything.
PhoebeCome on Ross, you're a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.
RossWait a minute, is it 'cause Joey and I didn't invite him to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago?
PhoebeDo you think that's something that he'd be mad at you for?
RossI guess it could.
PhoebeWell then I think that's it.
RossWell, if he's angry, he really shouldn't just cover it up. I-I wish he would just tell me the truth.
PhoebeOh, if that's what you want you, then you really should run his head under hot water and bang his head against a table. Joey and Rachel's, Paul and Rachel are getting ready to go out. Paul is entering from the bathroom. PaulHoney I made a reservation at China Garden, is that ok?
RachelYeah, well that's great. But first, wait, talk to me, talk to me. Tell me about your day.
PaulIt was fine.
RachelOk. Hey, what're you thinking? What're you thinking right now?
PaulI'm thinking that you are looking really fine in that dress.
RachelYeah that's great Paul, but you know, I wanna know what- (Puts her hands on his shoulders) Wow, those are really great! I just wanna know what, what is behind this-this strong, silent exterior. You know they say that still waters run deep and I wanna swim in yours.
PaulAre you talking about having sex?
RachelNo, Paul, I don't know anything about you! You know, like your, your child! Tell me about your childhood!
RachelOk, well then how about puberty! Come on, that's always a painful time! You know your friends invite you to a slumber party and then they stick your hand in warm water while you're sleeping so that you pee in your sleeping bag.
PaulNo! That never happened to me!
RachelWell, you're lucky you never met that bitch Sharon Majesky. Anyway, umm... The rest of you life, you know? Any regrets?
RachelAll right Paul, you know I'm not asking for a lot here. Ok? Just give me something. Anything!
RachelAll right.
PaulWhen I was six years old.
PaulI wanted a big wheel. And instead, my parents got me this little plastic chicken that you hop around on. It was embarrassing; kids made fun of me. That was a pretty tough year.
RachelThat's-that's great! See? I already feel like I know you a little better! Thank you. Ok, come on. Now we can go eat. Let's go. (Gets up to leave, but Paul doesn't move.)
PaulIt was horrible. They called me chicken boy.
[Time Lapse, Paul is now weeping uncontrollably in Rachel's arms.]
PaulAnd in fifth grade I got into a fight. Well, it wasn't really a fight. Richard Darinbel bit me on the nose, I fell down. Still have a little scar right here (points to it) you can see it.
RachelYeah. Yeah, I-I-I see the scar. Listen, Paul, I think this is really great that-that you know, you've shared your feelings. It's really, it's beautiful, but umm, what do you say we go share some food?
PaulOh, I couldn't eat now.
RachelWhat?! Wait! What're you talking about?! You love their Kung Pao Chicken!
PaulChicken? (Pointing to himself.) Chicken boy!
RachelOh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that! I wouldn't do that!
(Paul screams like a chicken and breaks down into tears again.) A Jewelry Shop, Chandler and Phoebe are looking at engagement rings. ChandlerNothing! This is the nine millionth ring store we've been to and I can't find the perfect ring! (Goes over to another display counter and starts pointing at rings.) Ugly ring! Ugly ring! Ugly ring! (Notices that one of the jewelers is watching him.) It's a beautiful selection. (The jeweler walks away slowly.)
PhoebeOk, so maybe you don't get her a ring. Maybe you-maybe you do something different. You know? Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, you know? Or an engagement tiara? Ooh! An engagement Revolutionary War musket! (Picks one up from the display in the corner.
ChandlerYou know, I'm so glad I picked you to help me with this.
PhoebeHuh? Can you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of weaponry?
ChandlerYeah, I'm gonna stick with the ring. (Goes to another display counter.) Oh, this one's nice! (Pointing to another ring.) I like this one! Sir? Uh, kind sir? Can I, see this one?
Phoebe(coming over after returning the musket) Wait a minute, no, this is, this is the reason you brought me. Ok? I know how to haggle. So let me handle this from here on out.
Male JewelerCan I help you?
ChandlerUh, yeah, yes. I would like to see that ring please.
PhoebeOr not, whatever.
Male JewelerThis ring is from the 1920s, it's a one and a half carat diamond with sapphires on either side.
ChandlerSir, can I ask you to umm, could you...hold out that ring and ask me to marry you?
Male JewelerOk. (Holds out the ring, deadpan.) Will you marry me?
Chandler(choking up) Oh my God that's it, that's the ring! How much is it?
PhoebeChandler, I-I will handle this! (To the jeweler) How much is it?
Male Jeweler8,600.
PhoebeWe will give you $10.
Male Jeweler(angrily) Are you interested in this ring?!
ChandlerYes! Yes, but I can only pay $8,000.
Male JewelerOk, I can let it go for eight.
PhoebeWe stand firm at $10.
Male Jeweler(ignoring her) How would you like to pay?
ChandlerUh, credit card. (Reaches for it then realizes) Oh no! No-no, but I left my credit card to Joey. (To Phoebe) Ok, I'll go get it. You guard the ring.
PhoebeOk. Why did you give your credit card to Jey?
ChandlerOh, I gave it to him to buy some Knicks tickets. Then the jerk didn't even invite me to the game! But I'm over it! Whatever! (exits)
Phoebe(To the jeweler) Listen, I'm sorry about before. Do you have anything here for $10?
Male JewelerUh yes, I have these two rather beautiful $5 bills. (Holds them up from his pocket.)
PhoebeI'll give you $1 for them. Central Perk, Ross and Joey are there. RossHey, remember how Chandler and Phoebe blew us off yesterday?
RossRemember you-you were eating pizza.
RossOk. Well, apparently Chandler's angry at us for not getting him a ticket to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago.
JoeyOh, we're supposed to just get him a ticket?! That guy is always mooching off of us!
RossYeah! Anyway, I-I still think we should try to patch things up, you know? Like uh, maybe we can get him tickets to another Knicks game and then invite him.
JoeyOh wow, that's a great idea! And I, still have his credit card.
Gunther(handing them the bill) Here you go.
RossOh. (Starts to get his money)
JoeyHey-hey-hey-ho-ho, I got this one. Here you go. (Hands Gunther Chandler's card.) You know I gotta tell ya, sometimes I just- I don't get Chandler. You know, me and him do stuff all the time without you, you don't get all upset.
RossAll the time?
JoeyAll the time!
Gunther(returns with the credit card) I'm sorry. It was rejected.
JoeyThat's impossible! Let me see it. (Gunther hands it back.) (Joey looks at it.) Oh, this one's mine. (Grabs Chandler's out of his pocket and hands it to Gunther.) Here you go. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is there as Rachel enters. RachelOh my God! Oh my God!
MonicaStill crying?
RachelLike a little girl. I know. I know. I know. This is all my fault; I wanted him to open up. But God, I didn't know that I was gonna unleash this-this weepy, clingy, moist monster!
MonicaYou know, I only know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.
RachelWhat's the other one?
MonicaI don't know, I've never had to use the other one. I'm just saying, you know, if we're having sex, he's not gonna be talking.
RachelUh, that's right. You're the talker. (They both reflect on that briefly) Anyway, uh, great idea! Umm, I gotta go to the store; I told him that I would buy him some more tissues.
MonicaOh, we have some...
RachelNo, you don't! The Jewelry Store, Phoebe is busy trying on virtually everything in the store. She's got earrings, rings, bracelets, and enough necklaces to put Mr. T to shame on. PhoebeOk. Umm, I'd also like to try on the tiara. (The male jeweler hands it to her.) Oh yeah. Ok. (Puts it on.) (To the jeweler) Wow, what do you think, too much?
Male JewelerA tad.
PhoebeOk. Then, take the tiara back and.. let me hold the musket again. (He hands it to her and Phoebe poses in front of one of those small mirrors.) Something's missing. It's not... Ok oh, let me see the ring that my friend picked out.
Male Jeweler(to the female jeweler) Where's the 1920's princess cut ring.
Female JewelerI just sold it to that gentleman. (Points to the one walking out the store.)
PhoebeOh my God! (She runs after him, but sets off the security system, which locks the store's door and brings down a set of bars behind her, caging her in.) No! What?! Help me! Let me out! Now! (Points the musket at them.) Joey and Rachel's, Paul is still crying as Chandler enters. PaulRachel?
ChandlerNo. How are ya Paul? (Starts to look for his credit card.)
Paul(acting manly to try and cover up his crying) Ok. Chandler, did your dad ever hug you?
ChandlerNo, did he hug you?!
PaulNo! No! It's just that, my dad never did. I miss my dad.
ChandlerWell, you can see my dad in Vegas kissing other dads.
PaulHey, Chandler?
PaulWould you (pauses) Would you hug me?
ChandlerI'm a little busy here Paul.
PaulThat's exactly what my dad used to say! (Starts to break down again.)
ChandlerOk, a quick one. Come on hug it out. (Paul rushes over and hugs Chandler tightly.) Oh hey! There you go. (The hug continues.) Ok. (The hug continues.)
PaulFive more seconds.
ChandlerOk! (Pushes him away.)
Joey(entering) Hey!
PaulJoey! (Goes over and hugs Joey and picks him off of his feet.)
JoeyWhoa-whoa-hey-hey! (Motions to Chandler, "What's going on?") Hi, Paul is it? (Paul nods yes and still hugging Joey.)
ChandlerDo you have my credit card?
JoeyYeah, it's in my... my pocket. (Paul hasn't dropped him yet.) (Chandler starts to reach for his front pocket.) My back pocket! My back pocket!
ChandlerThank God! (Grabs his card.)
JoeyOh hey listen I got us tickets to a Knicks game tonight.
ChandlerOh, I can't go.
JoeyUh come on! It'll be fun! Me, you, and Ross, and... Paul probably...
ChandlerLook, I don't have time for this, ok? I gotta go. (Exits)
(Paul finally lets Joey down.)
PaulWow. That was mean.
JoeyYeah, I know. (Both him and Paul start to cry.)
PaulGet in here.
JoeyYeah. (They both hug.) The Jewelry Store, Chandler is entering with his credit card and Phoebe is holding out another ring for him. PhoebeChandler, I found the perfect ring. (Holding it out for him.)
ChandlerOh, that's uh, that's pretty nice but I'm gonna go with the one I picked first.
PhoebeOh wait, God, Chandler, the one you picked is gone. It's over!
PhoebeSome guy bought it. I'm sorry. I tried to stop it but they (points to the jeweler) put me in jail!
ChandlerThey put you in jail?
PhoebeThe little jail between the doors!
ChandlerPhoebe, I asked you to guard the ring!
PhoebeI know, I'm sorry! But you know, this ring is better! And Monica never even saw the other ring.
ChandlerYeah but when he proposed to me with the ring I got goose bumps.
PhoebeMaybe it was the guy.
ChandlerIt was the ring! Central Perk, Ross is on the couch and Joey is entering. RossHey! So uh, was he excited about the tickets?
JoeyNo! He blew us off!
JoeyI know!
RossI can't believe it. (Pause) Can I tell you something? I'm a little mad at him now.
JoeyCan I tell you something? Me too.
RossYou know what? He didn't wanna talk to us about being angry, well maybe we don't talk to him, at all!
JoeyOoooh! Freeze him out.
RossThat's right!
JoeyI like it!
RossEh? We'll show him!
JoeyFrom now on, it's gonna be Joey and Ross, best friends. (They shake hands.) Ok! We're gonna be the new Joey and Chandler.
Ross(stares at Joey) What?! Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh, you think uh you and Chandler were closer than me and Chandler?
JoeyOh-oh-hey-hey-hey-hey, don't get angry. We turn on each other, he wins. (They both shake hands.) Joey and Rachel's, Paul is writing something as Rachel enters. RachelHi. I'm back.
PaulHey! I have so much more to tell ya, I've written it all down!
RachelAhhh, that's great. No actually that's... (In a sexy voice) That's great! That's really great! You know, I gotta tell ya writing, I mean writing, gets me uh, gets me kinda hot.
PaulWait! Wait! Listen! Listen to this! (Flips a couple pages and points to something.) You know what I wanted to be when I was that age?
RachelA lover?
RachelOh yeah surfer?
PaulI wanted to be one with the waves, you know?
RachelOk, hold on real quick, hold on a second let me just uh, (sits on the counter and buttons her sweater to show some cleavage) get a little more comfortable here. Wait, now wait a second, this isn't too revealing is it?
Paul(barely glancing at her) No. What ever happened to that little dude. (Pause) So full of dreams...
RachelI don't care about the little dude! I can't! I cannot listen to anymore of this! You know, the only person who would wanna listen to this is a mental health professional! And then it's only because they get paid $100 an hour! Do you know how much money I could've made listening to you? $2,000! And you know when I figured that out? While you were talking!
PaulWhat?! I can't believe you're trying to stifle me! When just 14 hours ago we figured out that that is exactly what my mother was trying to do to me!
RachelOh... I'm sorry. I... I-I don't mean - I didn't mean to stifle you. I... This is all just a little overwhelming.
PaulOh, Rachel, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to overwhelm you. It's just that, when those gates open, it's.. hard... (Starts to break down.) hard to close them. But they are closed now. Believe me.
RachelI'm so glad, I'm so glad you shared. (Feeling his shoulder.) And I'm glad that you're done. So what do you say we umm... (Nods in the direction of the bedroom.)
PaulI really like that. (They kiss.) Rachel's Bedroom, Paul and Rachel are recovering. PaulThat was... so good. (Starts crying again.) Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the ring he bought and not liking it. Phoebe(entering from her room) Hey.
ChandlerI can't believe I let you talk me into buying this stupid gumball machine looking ring!
PhoebeIt's not a stupid gumball machine looking ring! It's a beautiful ring!
ChandlerNo, it's not! When I looked at the other ring I could see Monica's face when I gave it to her, you know? And I could see her saying yes. When I look at this ring, all I see is a ring! Unless I look at it really closely and then I can see my own eye. (Does so and laughs.) Look, this is the most important thing I'm gonna do in my life. I wanna make sure it's perfect.
PhoebeOk. There may be a way that we can get the other ring back. 'Cause I heard the guy tell the jeweler where he was gonna propose. So maybe we can get him to trade rings or something.
ChandlerI can't do that.
PhoebeWell you certainly can't give her that stupid gumball ring.
ChandlerAll right. Where was he going?
PhoebeYeah, it's a restaurant... (thinks about it)... it's... The Rainbow something.
ChandlerRainbow Room?
ChandlerRainbow Grill?
ChandlerSomewhere Over the...?
Phoebe(still thinking) L'Espace.
ChandlerRainbow L'Espace!
PhoebeNo no, just L'Espace.
Chandler(is about to say something)...I'd love to know how you got from rainbow to L'Espace.
Phoebe(thinks about it) No you wouldn't. You don't wanna get in here. (Points to her head.) A Restaurant, Chandler and Phoebe are entering. This is the place where the guy who bought Chandler's ring is going to propose. PhoebeThere he is! (Points.)
ChandlerOk and he hasn't proposed yet because she has no ring on her finger.
Phoebe(gasps) Wow! You're good! After this, we should solve crimes.
ChandlerYeah! Ok, go, go, go get him.
PhoebeOh, ok. (Walks over to him.) Excuse me sir? Could you come with me please? You have a phone call.
CustomerWho is it?
PhoebeIt is your office.
CustomerDo you know who at my office?
CustomerOh John! Great!
(She brings him over to Chandler.)
Phoebe(To Chandler) Here he is.
Chandler(to him) Hi! Hi. Ok, there was a slight mix-up at the jewelry store, the ring you're about to propose with was supposed to be held for me. So, I'm gonna need to have that back. (The guy isn't sure.) But, in exchange I'm willing to trade you this beautiful, more expensive ring. (Looking at the ring.) Ew.
PhoebeWow! I would trade.
CustomerIt is beautiful, but I'm gonna use this one. Now, if you'll excuse me.
ChandlerNo-no! This is my fiancée (Phoebe) and her heart was set on that ring. You don't wanna break her heart now do you?
PhoebeYeah, do you wanna break a dying woman's heart?
CustomerYou're dying?!
(Phoebe coughs.)
ChandlerYeah, she's dying... Of a cough apparently.
PhoebeYes, and it is my dying wish to have that ring. See, if I'm not buried with that ring then my spirit is going to wander the nether world for all eternity...
Chandler(interrupting her) Ok, that's enough honey!
CustomerUh.. I don't know. (Pause) All right, let me see the ring.
ChandlerGreat! Ok, here. (Holds the ring up for him.)
Customer(looks at it) All right, I'll do it. (Exchanges rings.)
ChandlerThank you. Thank you. Thank you! (To his girlfriend) And you are about to marry a wonderful man! (She's stunned and he's horrified.) Hey! I'm marrying a dead woman! Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are watching TV as Chandler enters. ChandlerGuys? (They ignore him.) I've got something important to tell ya. (Still nothing so he walks over and stands in front of the TV.) Guys? (They lean over to try and watch the TV, Chandler mimics them.) Guys?! (Pause) I'm gonna ask Monica to marry me.
Joey(To Ross) I think we gotta end the freeze-out.
RossWait a minute, is this, is this for real?
ChandlerYeah, check out the ring. (Shows it to them.)
JoeyOh my God!
RossSo you two are really serious?!
ChandlerYep, pretty much.
RossYou-you're gonna get married?! I mean... We're gonna be brothers-in-law! Come here! (They hug.)
JoeyAnd-and-and-and-and-and, and we're gonna be friends again!
Chandler(goes to hug him and stops short) Heyyyy - What?
JoeyOh the water under the bridge, forget it!
ChandlerOk! (They hug.) I was gonna wait til uh, it was official you know? But I got so excited I just had to tell you guys 'cause you're my best friends.
JoeyI can't believe this!
RossMe too! And I was planning on having a conversation with you about your intentions.
JoeyI think I'm gonna cry!
Rachel(who has just entered) Ugh! No more crying! Please! I just dumped one cry baby, I'll dump you too!
(Ross and Joey urge Chandler to tell Rachel.)
ChandlerI'm gonna ask Monica to marry me.
RachelOh my God! Oh my God! Oh Chandler! (Hugs him.) You guys are gonna be so happy!
ChandlerI know.
Joey(holding an empty tissue box) Where's all the tissues?! (Throws the box down in disgust.)
(Chandler shows the ring to Rachel.)
ChandlerCheck out the ring.
Rachel(gasps) Nice! One and a half carat easy.
Phoebe(entering) Hi.
RossHey-hey Pheebs!
RossChandler's gonna ask Monica to marry him!
PhoebeOh I know, I helped pick out the ring.
(Chandler laughs, turns, and sees that Ross and Joey aren't happy.)
RossYou told her before you told us?
ChandlerWell, she walked in when I was looking at the ring brochures. You can understand that, right? (Ross and Joey look at each other and go back to watching the game on TV.) Guys? Guys? (Walks in front of them again.) Guys? Central Perk. Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross are there reflecting on the engagement ring. Ross God, that ring Chandler picked out was so beautiful.
PhoebeYeah, you should know. You've bought like a billion of them.
RossAhh, humor based on my pain. (Imitates a sarcastic laugh.)
RachelHa! Hey you know what's funny? Of all of your wives, I'm the only one who never got a ring.
RossThis, uh, a big issue for you? Or?
RachelNo, but, you know, it would've been nice to have a little memento of our married time together. Something other than the divorce papers and the hangover.
(Ross nods.)
PhoebeRoss is obviously not gonna get you a ring. But ask for a musket. Ask for a musket!
Ross(to Rachel) Hey, when we were married you know what I never got?
Rachel(scoffs) Well, yeah. No ring, no sex. Big surprise. (Ross laughs a little.)
Phoebe(to Ross) Get me a musket and we'll talk. (Ross raises one of his eyebrows as if he was intrigued.)

Written by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp.