Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is showing Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe his engagement ring again. RossGod, that is the most beautiful engagement ring ever!
RachelYeah? Well, you should know. You've bought like a billion of them.
RossYeah, you didn't get one.
ChandlerOk, well tonight's the big night.
JoeyHey, listen, how are you gonna ask her?
ChandlerIt is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. I'm going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves, therefore knows how expensive it is. Then, when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast I'm just gonna propose.
JoeyThat sounds perfect!
JoeyYou're gonna mess it up let me do it.
ChandlerI'm not gonna mess it up.
PhoebeIf she says no, can I have the ring?
ChandlerShe's not gonna say no.
Chandler(sarcastically) Sure!
RachelWell, w-w-wait, what about me? I want one too.
Chandler(starting to become real upset) She's not gonna say no!
Phoebe(to Rachel) I'll let you borrow it.
Monica(entering) Hey!
(Monica's entrance makes Phoebe try to hide the ring by putting it in her mouth.)
Phoebe(with her mouth full) Hi Monica.
(Monica goes into her room.)
Chandler(To Phoebe) Give it.
PhoebeIt's gone.
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Chandler(with his mouth full) Hi Monica.
(She goes into the bathroom.)
Phoebe(To Chandler) We're practically kissing. (Makes a kissy face and winks at him.) Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Rachel enters. Rachel(entering) Hey!
JoeyHey Rach!
RachelAre any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler?
Chandler(glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler can't go. We're going to dinner remember?!
RachelOh my God, I'm so sorry.
MonicaWhat's the big deal?
ChandlerI just get mad when Rachel doesn't remember where we're going.
JoeyWhere are you going?
(Chandler stares at him.)
RachelHow about you guys? (Points to Phoebe and Joey.)
PhoebeOpen bar?
RachelI think so.
PhoebeI can do that for the kids.
JoeyHey, you know what? I'll come too. I'm making money now; it's about time I give something back.
ChandlerWell, you could also give back the money you owe me.
JoeyOk. Have a benefit.
Ross(entering) Hey!
RachelHey! Ross, listen, can you come to a charity event tonight?
RossOh no, I have plans with Elizabeth.
ChandlerOh, so you're already doing your part for the kids.
RossSorry, it's just one of our last nights together before she leaves for camp- to be a counselor!
MonicaRoss, let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this relationship going?
ChandlerWait a minute, all jokes aside? I didn't agree to that!
MonicaDo you really see this as a long-term thing?
RossI don't know.
PhoebeYou know, you are 12 years older than her.
Ross(scoffs) Well, who's counting?
ChandlerWell, she is. She's this many. (holds up 8 fingers)
JoeyRoss, she is really young.
RossWait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way?
AllYeah! Yeah, sort of. I'm sorry.
RossUh-uh- Wow! Uh, I thought you guys were just, like making jokes, I had no idea. Well you know what? You guys are wrong. Oh yes, there is a chronological age difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it doesn't really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, I'm the one dating Elizabeth, not you!
JoeyThat's not what she said last night. (Ross glares at him.)
RachelSee? Now, he could date her. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is practicing proposing. ChandlerWill you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) What's going on little elves?
JoeyIt's the big night! We wanted to wish you good luck!
RossYeah, yeah, you have the ring?
ChandlerYeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?
PhoebeOh! Oop! (Hands him back the ring.)
ChandlerOk, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and she's gonna know.
Ross(to the rest of them) Yeah-yeah you guys. Get out of here!
(Monica enters from the bedroom.)
MonicaHi guys.
Chandler(To Monica) You look beautiful.
MonicaOh, thank you! (The gang exhibits signs of quiet apprehension and wears knowing glances.) (Monica giggles.) What's going on?
Rachel(breaking down) We're just really... excited about this charity event that we've to go to. [The Charity Event, they're holding a silent auction, Rachel is looking at one of the items and Phoebe walks up and hands her a glass of wine.]
RachelOh! Thank you!
PhoebeSo, now, what's going on here?
RachelUh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it.
PhoebeNo, I know what a silent auction is. I meant, what's going on with your hair?
Rachel(suddenly worried) Uh, wh-why?
PhoebeNo! It's nice!
(Rachel's boss, Mr. Thompson walks up.)
Mr. ThompsonNice to see you Rachel.
RachelOh, hi!
Mr. ThompsonSo glad you brought someone.
RachelSomeone? I brought people. Mr. Thompson, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Mr. Thompson. (She introduces them.) He's the head of my department.
PhoebeOh, hi. (They shake hands.)
RachelAnd I also brought my friend Joey...
Joey(behind them) Oh! Shrimp toast! (Walks right past the little group on his way for the shrimp toast.)
RachelAnd, you know, I-I don't know where he is.
Mr. ThompsonWell, I hope you're gonna bid on some things Rachel.
RachelWell, you know what? Actually, I was about to bid on this lovely trip to Paris.
Mr. ThompsonOhh, nice choice.
Mr. ThompsonGood luck.
RachelThank you. (Mr. Thompson walks away and after he's left.) Ok, (writing her bid down) twenty dollars. Elizabeth's Dorm Room, Ross is walking up to her door and knocks on it. Suddenly the door opens and Elizabeth drags him into the room. (Transcriber's Note: Elizabeth has two friends in the room with her who are named in the credits, but not in this scene. So I'm just gonna guess since it doesn't matter one way or the other. (The last part is to discourage e-mails, who cares if I got it right or not?)
ZoeShut the door! Shut the door! (Runs over and closes the door.)
RossWhat's-what's going on?
ElizabethThe guys across the hall are throwing water balloons at us.
RossOh, you have to call the police! That's what I did to the kids in my building!
ElizabethNo, it's a water balloon fight! We started it!
RossOh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen, umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, it's supposed to be excellent. The director is the same...
Elizabeth(ignoring him and picking up a pitcher) Who drank all the Kamikazes?
Sarah(approaching with two filled balloons in her hands) Nobody! We put 'em in here! (Indicates the aforementioned balloons causing both of them to scream in delight and start drinking from the balloons.)
Elizabeth(To Ross) You want some?! (Starts to squirt the Kamikaze at him.)
RossNo! Ok! Ok! (Stops her.) Ok, look, can I, can I just-just talk to you for a second?
ElizabethYeah, sure.
RossUh, so this play umm, what do you think? It's-it's gotten great reviews! You know the uh...
(Suddenly the door opens and two guys come rushing in wielding water balloons.)
First Dorm GuyAttack!
(They start lobbing the balloons in. Ross desperately tries to get out of the line of fire but is struck in the back. The girls all retreat to relative safety behind the couch.)
Second Dorm GuyPut your balloons down!
The GirlsYou put your balloons down!
First Dorm GuyYou put your balloons down!
(Both opposing camps start screaming at each other to drop their weapons and surrender. Finally, Ross steps in as a mediator.)
Ross(screaming) Everybody put their balloons down! (There is a temporary ceasefire.) Now this is a nice suit! (Shows everyone where he was hit.) Now if you'll excuse us, I would like to speak to Elizabeth alone for a moment. (points Elizabeth's girlfriends out who then exit)
First Dorm GuyWhoa, Liz, your dad's a bummer. (Ross starts angrily walking towards him so the dorm guy quickly closes the door leaving Elizabeth and Ross alone.) The Charity Event, Mr. Thompson is announcing the winners of the silent auction. Mr. ThompsonOur next item is the romantic trip to Paris. (Pause.) It goes to Emil Alexander with a high bid of 2,300.
RachelUgh! So close!
(Phoebe returns a with a tray full of different kinds of drinks.)
PhoebeHey you guys! Look!
PhoebeI got me some drinks!
RachelWhat are you doing?
PhoebeOpen bar!
RachelWell now it's an empty bar.
PhoebeYou just can't stand anyone else enjoying themselves can't you?
Mr. ThompsonAnd finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot gentleman's day sailer sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping $20,000! (Joey suddenly gets excited.)
JoeyI won! That was my guess!
RachelWhat?! What?! What?!
JoeyI guessed 20,000!
RachelJoey! It is an auction! You don't guess, you buy!
JoeyWhat?! I don't have 20,000!
Mr. ThompsonCongratulations on your new boat, Joey Tribbiani!
(Everyone applauds and he stands up slowly.)
RachelJoey! Sit down! (Pulls him down.)
PhoebeForget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves and does a salute.) A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are sitting at a table. Monica is checking her makeup as Chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his pockets until he finds what he's looking for and sighs in relief. MonicaWhat're you doing?
Chandler(trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (It's a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)
MonicaAre you ok?
ChandlerYes! Yes! I'm good! Are you good? Are you good? Is everything- are you- are you perrr-perfect?!
MonicaYeah. I'm ok. I'm actually- I'm a little cold, can I have your jacket?
ChandlerOh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you can't have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If uh, that you were gonna be cold, you should've brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you ok? Are you ok?
Monica(laughs) Are you sure you're ok?
ChandlerYes! I'm fine. In fact I've been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.
MonicaOhh that's sweet!
ChandlerOk. Umm, before I met you I had really little life and I couldn't imagine growing old with...
(As he's talking Monica notices someone familiar has just entered the restaurant. Let's see; I seem to remember him driving a Ferrari in Hawaii solving crimes as a private investigator and as a certain eye doctor in more recent times.)
Monica(interrupting him) Oh my God!
Chandler(not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it.
MonicaOh my God, Richard. (Yep, Richard's back.)
ChandlerWhat?! I'm Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, that's Richard!
MonicaOh God, maybe he won't see us. Richard!
(Monica smiles then acts shocked. Chandler can't believe she just did that.)
Richard(approaching them with a woman in tow) Monica! Chandler!
ChandlerHey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I don't know why I did that!
MonicaHey, it's good to see you!
RichardYou too, you let uh, your hair grow long.
MonicaYeah- Oh that's right. You, you always wanted me too. Hey, I see you got your mustache back.
RichardWell, my nose got lonely.
Chandler(to Richard's date) And uh, you don't have a mustache, which is good. (She just smiles.) I'm Chandler; I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.
Richard's DateHi, I'm Lisa.
RichardOh, I'm sorry. (Introduces them.) Lisa, (nodding at each) Monica, Chandler. We used to date.
ChandlerRichard! No one's supposed to know about us! (Richard just smiles at him.) See I, did it again.
MonicaChandler, wh-why don't we sit down?
ChandlerYeah, I'll sit down. (He slides back into his chair.)
Monica(to Richard) It's good to see you
Matire d(to Richard) Your table's ready sir. {matire d - the head waiter at a restaurant}
RichardOh. Good to see you guys.
ChandlerYes. (Thinking he's gone.)
Matire d(motioning to the empty table next to Monica and Chandler's) Or if you prefer, this table is available.
RichardThat might be fun. (Richard and Lisa sit down.)
The Charity Event, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are sitting at their table. RachelWhat were you thinking?!
JoeyI didn't know it was an auction!
JoeyI figured, take a guess, help a charity, free boat!
RachelWhy would a charity give away a free boat?!
JoeyI don't know! Charity?
PhoebeWell, just buy the damn boat! (She's still working her way through her tray of booze.)
RachelPhoebe, don't you think you've had enough to drink?
PhoebeI'm just helping the kids!
RachelHow is you drinking helping the kids?
PhoebeBecause the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink.
Mr. Thompson(approaching) Mr. Tribbiani.
JoeyOh hi!
Mr. ThompsonYour generous contribution brings us a big step closer to building the youth center. (To Rachel) I can't tell you how happy I am you brought him.
RachelOh, so-so am I. (smiles)
JoeyJust out of curiosity, how-how much is that boat worth?
Mr. ThompsonI think it was valued at 19,000.
Joey(To Rachel) Hey, I was pretty close. (She just glares at him.) Uhh, so, bad news. Umm, I can't buy the boat, I don't have any money.
(Mr. Thompson looks shocked and at Rachel, she suddenly starts laughing.)
RachelJoey! Joey, good one! (Mr. Thompson starts to laugh.)
Mr. ThompsonThat's good. Very good! (Walks away.)
(After he's left, Rachel stops laughing and glares at Joey again.)
JoeySo uh listen, I think I'm gonna take off now. (Starts to get up.)
Rachel(stopping him) Hey! You...can't...leave Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! It is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kill me!
JoeyWell, what am I gonna do, Rach?! I don't have that kind of money!
RachelI know. Ok. (Whispering and thinking.) Ok. Ok. All right. All right, this is what we're gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then you're just gonna pay the difference.
JoeyLook, I don't know why the kids need a youth center anyway! You know? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine!
RachelNot great.
(Joey gets up and leaves the table)
Phoebe(to Rachel) Boy, I'm helping the kids so much I think I'm gonna throw up. The Restaurant, Monica and Chandler's and Richard and Lisa's tables have been pushed together and they're all eating and talking. MonicaAnd so, we're hiding in the bathroom.
RichardAnd-and then I sneak out but before Monica can her parents come in.
MonicaYeah. So I hide in the shower and then the next thing you know, they're going at it right on the bathroom floor.
Lisa(laughing) Oh my God!
(Transcriber's Note: For further reading on the above story, please check out '216'.)
ChandlerI got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy.
(An awkward silence ensues.)
RichardIt's so great seeing you guys again. I'd like to make a toast. (Everyone raises their glasses) Uh, as a poet once said, "In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
(They all drink.) Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning to find Ross is there waiting for them. RossOh my God, you guys!! (He's excited about what he thought happened.)
Chandler(stopping him from going any further) Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!
RossOh! (Excited) A-ohh! (Realizes) Ohh. Oh that's rightm, that's right. That's Richard's favorite place too.
ChandlerOh you knew that. Good!
MonicaI thought you were going out with Elizabeth.
RossYeah, I was, but uh, she was a little busy with a water balloon fight.
MonicaOh Ross, sometimes grown-ups have commitments they just can't get out of!
RossYou know, maybe she is too young for me. You know, when I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I don't know what to do.
MonicaWhy don't you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I mean that's what I did when I first started (looks at Chandler and pauses) weighing stuff.
RossOk umm, bad stuff. Well, I'm-I'm 12 years older than she is.
MonicaIf the school finds out you're fired.
MonicaShe's leaving for three months.
ChandlerFor camp!
RossOk, good stuff. Umm, well she's-she's sweet and pretty and...
Chandlerand the sex is probably pretty great, uh?
RossOh. Oh! Heh heh. (sees Monica's reaction) It's tender and respectful if that's what you mean.
(Chandler points to himself and mouths to Monica "That's what I meant")
MonicaLook Ross, the only question you need to ask is, "Do you see a future?" I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? (Ross pauses in consideration.) Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didn't you?!
RossNo! No! I...didn't do that. It's just... Ok, honestly no. I don't, I don't see a big future with her.
MonicaOk well I-I think... that's your answer.
RossI gotta talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part.
ChandlerHey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if you're not careful you may not get married at all this year!
(Ross thinks for a minute of how to react to that comment)
RossChandler, isn't there something you were supposed to do tonight?
Chandler(quickly interrupts) Oh good luck with the Elizabeth thing man. (They shake hands and Ross smiles.) The Charity Event, Rachel and Phoebe are sitting at the table. Rachel is still staring at Phoebe drinking. Phoebe(Poors some salt on her left hand, licks it, and then drinks some alcohol. She loves the rush she is getting from it and starts banging on the table in excitement) Whoo!
Rachel(doesn't know what to make of this) My God, Phoebe, how many have you had?
Phoebe(counts the glasses) One, two, three, four, five, six , seven times three- 21. (proud of herself)
RachelYou must be just- wasted.
PhoebeWell (nods)....a little tired.
(Joey comes back to the table)
JoeyRach! Rach! Ok, the next highest bidder is at table one.
RachelOh great!
Joey(To Phoebe) Oh and uh the guy who got the Paris trip is at table four.
PhoebeOh, ok.
Rachel(To Phoebe) Why do you care about the guy who won the Paris trip?
PhoebeIt's a trip for two! (She gets up and takes off her blouse-type thingy she's wearing over her dress.) 'Scuse me. (She walks over to table four.) 'Scuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table?
Emil AlexanderThat was me.
PhoebeOh, enchantée. (She holds out her hand for him to kiss it, but he only shakes it.)
[Cut to Joey and Rachel approaching table one.]
JoeyUhh, 'scuse me, is there a Mr. Bowmont at this table?
Mr. BowmontThat's me.
JoeyAhh, yeah. (Pushes Rachel in front of himself so that she could do the talking.)
RachelOh well, hello. This is your lucky day, Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer has just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000.
JoeyYou-you have to pay that! It's not just a guess.
Rachel(To Joey) Ok. (Shushes him.)
Mr. BowmontI was actually relieved uh I didn't win the boat. My wife would've killed me.
JoeyAre you kidding me?! She's gonna love this boat!
RachelYea-Yeah! What-what is your wife's name?
Mr. BowmontIt's Pam.
RachelPam! Oh God ok, just imagine this, "The Pam."
Mr. BowmontI don't think she'd like that.
RachelOk, uh-uh imagine this, "The Mr. Bowmont."
Mr. BowmontI don't think so, dear.
RachelOk, look, let me paint you a little picture. (She sits down next to him.) All right, you are setting sail up the Hudson! You got the wind in your ha- (sees that he's bald) arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that you've always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishing! You can- ooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when you're old, Cappy.
Mr. BowmontWhat the hell, it's for a good cause! All right!
JoeyNo way! It's mine!
Rachel(To Joey) What? What?
JoeyAll that stuff you just said? I want that!
RachelBut Joey you don't have $20,000!
JoeyWho cares?! I-I'll make payments, whatever it takes, I want the Mr. Bowmont! Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps. JoeyOh my God, you're back!
PhoebeOhh, let me see it! Let me see your hand! (Chandler is frantically trying to wave them off.)
MonicaWhy do you wanna see my hand?
PhoebeI wanna see what's in your hand. I wanna see the trash.
(Chandler puts his face in his hands as Joey and Phoebe start to examine the trash.)
PhoebeEww! Oh, it's all dirty. You should throw this out.
Monica(suspiciously) Ok. (Exits to carry out Phoebe's wishes.)
Chandler(after the door closes) What did you guys just do?!
PhoebeWhat happened?
ChandlerRichard was there so I couldn't do it!
JoeyWhat?! Noooo (Phoebe gasps.)
ChandlerI'm gonna do it tomorrow, you know, and-and surprise her, but now you've ruined it!
JoeyBut we didn't ruin it!
ChandlerWho walks into a room and asks to see a person's hands?!
PhoebeWell, a palm reader, a manicurist, a hand doctor...
JoeyGlove salesmen!
PhoebeGood one! Yeah.
ChandlerThis is terrible. What am I gonna do?
PhoebeLook, she only suspects something ok? She doesn't know for sure, so just throw her off the track.
ChandlerThat's right, I could throw her off. I could make her think that uh, marriage is the last thing on my mind.
PhoebeYeah! Yeah! Convince her that-that you're scared of commitment you know, convince her that you're a little coward!
ChandlerI can do that, I've had 30 years of practice.
JoeyHey, being you is finally gonna pay off! (They give each other fives.)
Monica(entering) I had to go all the way to the basement because some idiot keeps stuffing the trash chute with pizza boxes!
JoeyThat guy's still doing that?!
Rachel(entering) Hey! (Sees Monica, gasps, and runs over to her.) Oh my God you're here, let me see your hand!
PhoebeNo, you're too late! She already took out the trash! The Hallway of Elizabeth's dormitory. Ross is walking up to Elizabeth's room. Ross(stands nervously in front of Elizabeth's door for a second. He knocks on her door and quickly starts to leave so he won't have to face Elizabeth. Unfortunately, Elizabeth answers.) Hi.
Elizabeth(chuckles) Hi.
RossLook, Elizabeth, we-we have to talk.
(They stand there and look at each other.) Outside of Elizabeth's dormitory, Ross is exiting after breaking up with her and we can hear his thoughts. Ross(in his head) Wow! I have never had such a healthy break-up! She was such a grown-up about it! She didn't seem too immature for me! Did I just make a huge mistake?
Elizabeth(sticking her head out her window) Ross! Wait!
RossElizabeth, thank God! I was just thinking about...
ElizabethYou suck!
(She throws a water balloon at him and hits him on the head and hits him again at the waist with another one.)
RossOk, break-up's still on! Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the window and Joey is sitting on the couch. ChandlerOk, ok, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesn't wanna get married?
JoeyYeah! And also, a little like a French guy. (They both squint at each other.) I never noticed that before.
Monica(entering) Hi guys!
MonicaWhat're you up to?
ChandlerOh, just hanging out, talking about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this uh really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how it's just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.
Joey(laughs) Yeah, Big Brother.
MonicaWell that's a little crazy. Although I am, you know glad to hear that you're branching out on what you look at on the Internet.
ChandlerYeah well. You know, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever wanna get married huh?
MonicaWhy?! To celebrate your relationship! To solidify your commitment! To declare your love for one another to the world!
MonicaOk, well, that's good to know.
(We hear the backup horn of a truck and see through the window that the Mr. Bowmont has arrived.)
Joey(all excited) The Mr. Bowmont's here! (Jumps over the back off the couch and runs out into the street.) Monica's Restaurant's kitchen, she's cooking as a waitress sticks her head in. WaitressHey Monica, there's a customer who wants to compliment the chef, should I let him in?
MonicaSure, I love this part! (Starts to look busy.)
Waitress(to the customer) Come on in.
(The customer turns out to be...)
RichardActually, I'm not here to compliment the chef.
MonicaOhh... Oh, that's ok. I hate when people come back to compliment the chef. Like I have nothing better to do! So what's up??
RichardWell, it was great seeing you, the other night.
MonicaOh, it's good to see you too. Did you come down here to tell me that?
RichardNo! I came here to tell you something else. (Pause) I came here (Pause) to tell you I still love you.
MonicaWhat uh- What did you- What?!
RichardI still love you. And, I know I probably shouldn't even be here, telling you this, I mean you're with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say he's straight I'll believe you! After seeing you the other night I knew if I didn't tell ya I'd regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.
MonicaYou know you're really not supposed to be back here!
RichardWell, yeah, I'm sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell you! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you.
MonicaOh God... (Starts looking around.) Why don't they put chairs back here?!
RichardLook, I know this is crazy but, am I too late?
MonicaWhat the... Yes you're too late! Where was all this three years ago?!
RichardWell I know, I was, an idiot! And I tried to forget you, I really did! You know after we had lunch last year I spent six months in Africa trying to get you out of my head!
MonicaWhat were you doing in Africa?
RichardWorking with blind kids.
MonicaOhhh! What're you doing to me?! Oh look, I-I... I'm sorry but umm, this-this-this-this is not gonna happen.
RichardOk, that's fine, I'll walk away. And I'll never bother you again, but only, if you tell me that Chandler's willing to give you everything I am.
MonicaWell he is! Yeah, I mean, marriage is all he talks about! My goodness, in fact, I'm the one that's making him wait!
RichardYou are?
MonicaWhy? Because of the government. Central Perk, Rachel is bringing Phoebe some coffee. RachelIsn't it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, getting married.
PhoebeI know, they're gonna be so happy together.
RachelOhh... I mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that happen?
PhoebeNot that often!
RachelNo! I'm so happy for them!
PhoebeMe too! So happy for them!
RachelI'm so happy and not at all jealous.
PhoebeOh no! No God, definitely not jealous!
(They both take a drink of coffee.)
RachelI mean I'm probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean what's 2%? That's nothing.
PhoebeTotally. I'm like 90/10.
RachelYeah me too.
(Joey enters looking like Captain Stubing from the Love Boat.)
JoeyHey uh,(salutes to them) have you guys seen Chandler?
Rachel(staring at him) Wh- no, but you know who did stop in here looking for you, Teneal. A pizza joint, Chandler and Monica are eating lunch. MonicaSo, that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday, you don't really believe that do you?
ChandlerSure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Let's take a second here and look at pigs. Ok pigs don't mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that's just an ordinary pig not even a pig that's good at sports!
MonicaYeah, but that's pigs, not people!
ChandlerIf marriage worked, I'd be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.
MonicaWait a minute. Are you honestly telling me that-that you may never wanna get married?
ChandlerWho's to say?
Monica(upset) You! You're to say!
ChandlerWell, never say never but you know probably uh yeah, never.
MonicaOh my God! Then-then-then what are we even doing?! What is this?!
ChandlerWhoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why don't you put down your copy of "The Rules" (Made the double-quotation-marks-like gesture.) huh mantrap?!
MonicaYou know what?! I gotta go! Ugh!
(She gets up and storms out. The people at the other tables are staring at Chandler.)
Chandler(to them) It's ok, I got a plan. Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still talking. RachelWe're gonna find love!
RachelYeah, I'm pretty confident about that. That's what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though.
PhoebeWhat do you mean?
RachelWell you know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they're 40, they marry each other.
PhoebeYou mean a backup?
RachelYeah, exactly!
PhoebeYeah, yeah, I've got that.
RachelYou do?
RachelAre you serious?!
PhoebeYeah, I locked him in years ago!
RachelWh... So... If neither of you are married by the time you're 40, you're gonna marry Joey.
PhoebeYep, we shook on it. Yeah. But believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.
RachelOh, seriously?
PhoebeOhh, yeah. I think his exact words were... (She makes two clicking sounds with her tongue and purrs.)
PhoebeWell hey, it's just a backup.
RachelYeah. Joey and Rachel's, Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, is practicing his slipknots as Monica enters. JoeyHey Monica!
MonicaHave you seen Rachel? Or a mirror?
JoeyThis is for my boat, pretty cool huh?
MonicaYeah, it's great.
JoeyWhoa-whoa, what's the matter?! Talk to the captain!
MonicaI'm just having one of those days where you realize you're in a dead-end relationship!
JoeyChandler giving you a hard time huh?
MonicaIt's not like I wanna get married tomorrow! It's just that I-I'd like to believe that I'm in a relationship that's going somewhere, that I'm not just wasting my time!
JoeyWell, you know Chandler.
MonicaNo I don't know Chandler! Not anymore! It's like, it's like something's changed.
JoeyMaybe you changed?
MonicaI didn't change!
JoeyMaybe that's the problem.
JoeyChandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife.
MonicaIs that some kind of boat talk?
JoeyI don't know! (All excited) I haven't totally decided how to talk on my boat yet.
MonicaWhat does he think? Does he think I'm just gonna wait around for nothing?
JoeyMonica, face it, Chandler is against marriage. And-and always will be!
Monica(starts for the door) You know well there's some people who do wanna marry me.
JoeyThere are?
MonicaYeah! Richard!
JoeyR-R-Richard said he wants to marry you?! (Monica nods yes.) And-and Chandler's telling ya how much he hates marriage?!
MonicaThat's right.
JoeyChandler loves marriage!
MonicaYou just told me that he hates marriage! That-that he's a-a complex fellow who's unlikely to take a wife! That-that he's against marriage and always will be!
JoeyYou got that from what I said?! Ross's apartment, Ross is watching a show about the extinction of the dinosaurs. NarratorWhen the Cretaceous period ended, the dinosaurs were gone.
RossWhat happened you guys?
(There's a knock on the door, he shuts the TV off, and answers it.)
RachelHey you!
RossHey, come on in.
RachelOh, thank you. Hey you know, I'm so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth.
RossOh, thanks. Yeah, I really thought we'd be able to make it work, but uh, I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
RachelYeah, love. It's a tricky business isn't it?
RossI guess so.
RachelSo what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time we're 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and we've-we've already slept together, so you know there'll be no surprises there! You know what I mean? No like, "What's that?!"
RossRight. Ohh! You-you want me to be your backup.
RossOhh, yeah I already have one.
RachelWhat? Who?
RachelPhoebe?! Wait a- but-but she just, she said that Joey is her backup.
RossOhh, I don't think so.
RachelRoss! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal!
RossThat's impossible! I mean we have had a deal for years! We-we-we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, is on the phone. JoeyHey! Gunther, It's Joey. Is-is Chandler there? (sighs) All right, listen, what kind of muffins do they serve at sea? (listens) (Chandler enters and he hangs up) Where the hell have you been?!
ChandlerI was making a coconut phone with the professor.
JoeyRichard told Monica he wants to marry her!
JoeyYeah! Yeah, I've been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe I would have if these (lifts a leg) damn boat shoes wouldn't keep flying off!
ChandlerMy- Oh my God!
JoeyI know! They suck!
ChandlerHe's not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! I'm supposed to do that!
JoeyI know!
ChandlerWell what... You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go over there; I'm gonna kick his ass! (Pause) Will you help me?!
JoeyLook, Chandler, I don't think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Ok? You- just go and find Monica!
ChandlerYou're right.
ChandlerOk. (Starts running for the bedroom) I'm gonna get the ring! I'm gonna get the ring! (Does so) I'm gonna go find her and (starts running for the door) I'm just gonna propose!
ChandlerOk, great.
JoeyLet me know about that coconut phone, it might be good for the boat.
Richard's Apartment, he's smoking a cigar and reading a book as there is a knock on the door. He gets up and opens the door to reveal... MonicaHi.
MonicaI don't know why I'm here.
RichardI didn't ask. You wanna come in?
MonicaI don't know.
RichardOh, ok. Well, I'll just leave the door open and go sit on the couch. (Does so.)
Monica(entering) Chandler is such an idiot!
Richard(standing up quickly) Drink?
MonicaYeah, I'll have a Scotch... with a twist? I remember. (Goes to make her drink.)
Monica(moving over to the couch) You still smoke cigars?
RichardUh, no! No! That's... art! If it bothers you I'd put my art out.
MonicaNo, that's, that's ok.
RichardSo Monica, let me ask you a question. You know, since we broke up do you ever, think about me?
MonicaUh yeah, I-I actually I thought about you a couple months ago.
RichardOh really?
MonicaYeah but it was 'cause I-I had an eye exam and I don't like my new eye doctor.
RichardWho is it?
MonicaEdward Nevski?
RichardYeah he's no good. Do you ever (pause) think about me in a (pause) non-eye doctor way?
MonicaBecause getting over you was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you.
(Richard mouths, "Wow!") Central Perk, Phoebe is reading as Rachel enters. RachelPhoebe! You picked Joey and Ross?! You can not have two backups!
PhoebeOf course I can! It's just good sense to backup your backup! Look, I've already lost Chandler!
Joey(entering) Hey!
Ross(entering) Hey!
JoeyPhoebe! We're both (points at Ross and himself) your backup?!
RossPhoebe, how could you do this to me?!
PhoebeI don't- Look I don't know what you're complaining about now? You were both aware of the situation!
(At the same time.)
JoeyNo we weren't!
RossI was not!
PhoebeOk, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly when we're married!
RachelPhoebe, you can't have both of them! You have to pick one!
JoeyPick me!
RossNo! Pick me! I don't wanna end up an old maid!
PhoebeAll right well let's see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boat- This is hard!
JoeyThis is crazy! Hey, look, I wanna switch to Rachel!
RossOoh, I wanna switch to Rachel too!
(Rachel gets all happy.)
PhoebeNo wait! Just- Ok- Just wait! You guys! Wait you guys! Don't make any rash decisions, ok? Just remember my promise, if we get married, three times a week.
RachelOh, God, Phoebe!
Phoebe(To Rachel) I'm talking about massages.
(She turns her head away and when she's not looking, Phoebe shakes her head and mouths, "No, I'm not." Both Joey and Ross smile, look at each other, and then stop smiling.)
RachelAll right, you know what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right, here, this is what we're gonna do! I'm gonna write, Joey on one napkin (does so) and I'm going to write Ross on the other napkin (does so) and we are going to pick one! And that person is gonna be our backup! Ok?
JoeyOk that sounds fair.
(Rachel mixes them up in her hands, moves them all around, and puts her hands behind her back.)
RachelPick one.
PhoebeLeft! (Rachel hands her the napkin in her left hand and they both unfold and read them.) Thank you.
RachelYou're welcome.
Phoebe(reading) Ross!
Rachel(reading) Joey! (Pause) We should just switch.
PhoebeYeah absolutely! (They both switch.)
JoeyYeah. Richard's Apartment, Monica is looking around and notices an African mask hanging on the wall. Monica(to the mask) I missed you-you ugly, flat faced old freak!
RichardExcuse me?
MonicaOh! (Laughs and points at the mask.) Him.
RichardOh. (Laughs.) Whew!
MonicaI missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-up's apartment! You know, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!
RichardYeah! You're saying, you need to be with someone more mature. Maybe someone with, a license to practice medicine. Or a mustache.
MonicaYou know, let's face it, I'm not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I don't want that!
RichardI think that's fair.
MonicaFair? Please, don't even talk to me about fair! Fair would've been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair would've been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
RichardIt's ok! Shh! Hey. Hey. (Hugs her) Shhhh.
MonicaNothing. (She backs away a little bit but is still in his arms and looks up at his eyes.) I don't kno- Umm. I don't know. Umm...
RichardI know. (Backs away.)
MonicaYou know, I-I... I have to figure...some st - You know, some stuff before I can...
RichardYeah, I understand. Take as much time as you want. (Pause) Ten, even twenty minutes if you need it. I'll be here. Not smoking. (Monica leaves.) Richard's Apartment, time lapse. Richard is smoking as he hears a knock on the door. He quickly puts out his cigar and opens the door. RichardChandler.
ChandlerWhere is she? I'm not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks in.)
RichardShe's not here, and please come in.
Chandler(examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!
RichardOk, she was here, but she left.
ChandlerWell where did she go?
RichardWell she, said she had to think things over.
ChandlerOh my God, I can't believe this! You know, I thought... I thought you were a good guy.
RichardOh, hey, look, nothing happened.
ChandlerNothing happened? Nothing? So you didn't tell my girlfriend that you love her?
RichardWell all right, one thing happened.
ChandlerYou know what? I can't believe this! You know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!
RichardWell I'm sorry.
ChandlerAnd what does she have to think about? I love her!
RichardWell, apparently I'm willing to offer her things that you are not.
ChandlerBut I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, you know? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, she'd be surprised!
RichardWell if it helps, it worked very well.
ChandlerIt was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isn't fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not gonna blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight.
RichardYou were gonna propose? (Sits on the arm of the couch.)
ChandlerYeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts in on the center cushion.) Did you get a ring?
RichardNo I don't have a ring! (Pause) You go get her Chandler. (Pause) And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, don't let her go. Trust me.
ChandlerYou know what Richard... you are a good guy.
RichardI know. (Pause) I hate that!
(Chandler gets up and runs out, but as soon as the door closes behind him he opens it, runs back in, picks up his ring Richard is holding up for him, and runs back out.) The hallway, Chandler is running up the stairs and towards his apartment, but Joey is taking out the garbage at the same time and stops him in the hall. JoeyDude!
ChandlerI can't talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!
JoeyShe's gone.
JoeyShe's gone. She had a bag and she left.
ChandlerWhat're you talking about?
JoeyShe was all crying and she-she said you guys want different things, and-and she needed time to think.
ChandlerWell why didn't you stop her?! Why didn't you just tell her it was a plan?!
JoeyI-I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldn't believe me.
ChandlerWell where... Where did she go?
JoeyTo her parent's, I think and she said that you shouldn't call her. But if I were you, I would.
ChandlerI can't believe I ruined this.
JoeyI am so sorry man.
(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)
MonicaYou wanted it to be a surprise.
(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)
ChandlerOh my God.
(Monica gets down on one knee.)
MonicaChandler... In all my life... I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to... fall in love with my best... my best... There's a reason why girls don't do this!
ChandlerOk! (He joins her on one knee) Ok! Ok! I'll do it! Oh God, I thought... (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a-, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought, that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?
(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)
MonicaI knew you were likely to take a wife!
(They hug again.)
Joey(yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! We're dying out here!
MonicaCome in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) We're engaged!
(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)
RachelOhhh, this is the least jealous I've ever been!
PhoebeOh no wait no, this is wrong! Ross isn't here!
RachelOh hell, he's done this three times! He knows what it's about!
(They all hug again.) Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, it's just Monica and Chandler dancing to Wonderful Tonight on the Slowhand album by Eric Clapton.
Part I Written by Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri; Part II Written by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp.