Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are standing around the table drinking champagne as Ross enters.
RossHey, what's going on?
RossI found a note on my door, "Come to Monica's quick, bring champagne and a Three Musketeers bar."
Joey(grabbing the candy bar) Yeah I'll take that.
ChandlerMonica and I are engaged.
RossOh my God. Come- (Hugs Chandler.) Congratulations.
RossWhere is she?
[Cut to Monica out on the balcony.]
Monica(yelling at the top of her lungs) I'm engaged! I'm engaged!
[Cut back inside.]
JoeyYeah, she's been out there for twenty minutes, I'm surprised you didn't hear her on the way over.
RossOh, I thought it was just a kid yelling, "I'm gay! I'm gay!"
RachelYeah. No, that guy moved.
RossCan I bring her in?
PhoebeNo no, let her stay out there. It's sweet.
[Cut to Monica.]
MonicaI'm getting married! I'm gonna be a bride! (Someone else yells at her.) No, I will not shut up, because I'm engaged! (He yells again.) Ohh, big talk! Huh, why don't you come over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?! Yeah, my fiancé will kick your ass! (Chandler starts to look worried.) Come on, apartment 20! Apartment 20!
[Cut back inside.]
Chandler(To Ross) Ok, you get her in here. (To Joey) You bolt the door. I'll be in the closet.
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from earlier, everyone is now in the living room drinking champagne.
MonicaOk! Wait-wait-wait! Ok. Shhh! (Bangs on her class with a spoon to make a toast.) Ok, umm, I just, wanna say that... I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night. (Chandler clears his throat.) Our special night. I mean it just wouldn't be my night- our-our night, if you all, weren't here to celebrate with me- us- Damn it!
ChandlerIt's ok, I want this to be your night too. (Raises his class.) To Monica.
MonicaAwww, come on- wait- stop it. Ok, to Monica.
(They all say to Monica, clink their glasses, and drink.)
PhoebeSo have you decided on a band for the wedding? 'Cause you know, I'm kinda musical.
RachelYeah Pheebs, honey, she just got engaged a couple of hours ago. I doubt she's even had time to think about...
PhoebeWell speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment?
Rachel(To Monica) Yeah, you're on your own.
MonicaYou know what we should do? We should all get dressed up and go to have champagne at The Plaza.
(They all agree and start to go and get ready.)
JoeyBut I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. Supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. (Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this.) What?
ChandlerSo when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986?
JoeyYou guys don't think I look 19?
(A brief silence ensues.)
PhoebeOh, 19! We thought you said 90!
(They all politely laugh and stop just as quickly.)
MonicaOk everybody, let's go! Let's go!
(They all leave and Joey comes back in quickly.)
Joey(To Phoebe) Hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here?
PhoebeOh honey no, you ate it all.
JoeyAw I was afraid of that.
(Walks out and after he closes the door Phoebe turns around and takes a bite out of what is left of his candy bar.)
Monica and Chandler's bedroom, they're getting ready.
Monica(looking at her hand) You know what shoes would look great with this ring? Diamond shoes! (Sees Chandler sitting on the bed.) You're not getting dressed. (Chandler quietly folds over the comforter on the bed making a spot for her.)
ChandlerKnow what I mean?
MonicaYeah, but I don't think we have time.
ChandlerThere's gonna be a wedding. You're gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are gonna be looking at you in a clean white dress.
Monica(lustily) Let's do it! (She kisses him and they fall back onto the bed.)
Joey and Rachel's appartment, Joey is looking into a hand mirror pulling different expressions. Rachel walks in.
RachelSo, are you the fairest one of all?
Joey(beat) Rach, I can still play 19, right?
RachelYeah but Joey you gotta dress younger. I'm telling you if you wear the right clothes you can look any age.
RachelYeah, you know, I work in fashion and fashion is all about youth.
JoeyFashion is all about me?
RachelAbout youth, Youth! Listen up Grandpa!
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, time lapse, Chandler is fully dressed and slowly walking out of the bedroom with a distressed look on his face.
Monica(chasing after him) Chandler! It happens to lots of guys! You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it!
Chandler(motioning with his hands) I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. You know, it's uh, it's like biology! Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed biology and tonight biology failed me. (Exits as Phoebe enters from her room with her guitar.)
PhoebeCheck it out. Ok, I can play this while the guests are coming in. Ok. (Singing) Twelve years old and addicted to pork, No one thought Monica would marry. She knew her way around a knife and a fork...
MonicaOk, Phoebe, that's great, but...
PhoebeOk, so, so you're not convinced. That's alright 'cause I got another one.
First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay.
But here I am singing on his wedding day!
PhoebeIf you would've let me finish, it goes on to say that he's probably not gay.
Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is looking at the foosball table.
ChandlerSure, you guys don't have this problem, you're made of wood. (Rachel comes out of the bathroom) Hey!
ChandlerYou look great!
Rachel(quietly) Oh, thanks.
ChandlerYou ok over there?
RachelI don't know, you know? I feel a little umm... No, you know what? Never mind, I'm gonna be fine.
ChandlerOh, don't worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody.
[Rachel exits into the hallway just as Ross is coming up the stairs.]
RossWow! Happy Monica's night!
RachelWell thank you, you too.
RachelHey, can you believe this? Can you believe they are actually getting married?
RossWell sure. But I get married all the time so...
RachelYeah, I guess. I-I... I mean, do-do you think we're ever gonna have that?
RossYou mean, we- you and me?
RachelOh no-no-no-no-no, no, no! We, you with someone and me with someone.
RossOh good, you scared me a minute.
Rachel(Laughs) Yeah I know, Shake it off.
RossI mean- no, it's just, it's just 'cause you and I, we were, you know, we were like a nightmare. (Screams.) No, but there was some good times.
RachelNo, absolutely. You know, like it was umm...
RossSurely you can think of something good.
RachelYeah, just give me a minute! (Thinking) Oh, well, yes, I can think of one good thing.
RachelWell you uh, you were always really good at the uh, at the uh the stuff.
RossYeah? I was good at the stuff huh?
RachelUh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really liked your hands.
Ross(to his hands) Way to go guys. You know, you-you were really good at the stuff too.
RachelOh I know. What're you thinking about?
RossJust some stuff.
RachelHey, you know we never did? (Ross looks at her.) Oh no, not that. (Ross nods ok.) We uh, we never, we never had a bonus night!
RachelYou know, bonus night. You know, of two people break up and then they get back together just for one night.
RossOne night, just-just sex. No strings attached?
RachelYeah, yeah, we never had that.
RossOk, this is getting a little crazy. So, I mean, I'm-I'm sure it would be amazing but I... gotta say I really-really don't think it would be a good idea. You know? I really, really... don't.
Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is playing Playstation, Crash Team Racing to be exact (he's in last on Hot Air Skyway to be more exact)
ChandlerWell, at least I can still do somethings.
[Chandler gets killed on the game. Joey enters from his room desperately trying to look like a 19-year-old. He's got the wool cap, he's got the cut-off Knicks jersey over the faded T-shirt, and he's got the whole pants-around-the-knees-showing-off-the-boxers thing that rich, white, suburban kids have adopted in a desperate and extremely futile attempt to try to look like they're from the inner city.]
Joey'Sup? 'Sup dude?
Chandler(putting his hands up) Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me.
JoeySo you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack! Playstation, is whack! 'Sup with the whack Playstation 'sup?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?!
ChandlerYes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19.
JoeyCome on, man, really, how old?!
ChandlerYoung! You're a man-child, ok?! Now go get changed because everybody's ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear!
JoeyOh thanks! (He goes into his bedroom and closes the door.)
ChandlerUhh, you've had a lot of sex right?
JoeyWhen? Today? Some, not a lot.
ChandlerWell it's just the reason that I'm asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable to- I mean I really-really wanted to, but I couldn't... I cannot belive I'm asking advice from someone who is wearing that hat. (Joey takes off the hat) I had uh an incident.
JoeyDon't worry about that man, that happens.
ChandlerIt's happened to you?
ChandlerWell, what'd you do?
JoeyI did it anyway.
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the living room and Phoebe is in her room.
MonicaPhoebe! Come on! Let's go! (Knocks on her door.) Come on! (Phoebe enters with guitar and not ready to go.) Why aren't you dressed yet?!
PhoebeI'm sorry, but I just wrote the best dance song for your wedding. Check this out. (Gets ready to play.)
Monica(grabs the guitar away from her) You know what, Phoebe, I'll tell you what, if you get ready now I'll let you play it at the wedding.
PhoebeReally?! Oh that's so exciting! Thank you! Thanks Mon! Oh but Mon, if you touch my guitar again I'm gonna have to pound on you for a little bit.
MonicaFair enough, now go get ready!
PhoebeOk. (She goes to get ready.)
MonicaI'll get everybody else (Does so), finally we can start celebrating my- (She gasps and is stopped by the sight of Ross and Rachel making out in the hall.) I'm sorry, uh apparently I've opened the door to the past.
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from before the commercial break. Monica is walking into the apartment followed by Ross and Rachel.
RossOk, uh Monica. Mon, ok, what-what you just saw...
Monica(interrupting) Can I ask you just a little question, huh? Why tonight?
MonicaSee, I-I've been waiting my whole life to be engaged, and unlike some people I'm only planning on doing this once. So, uh you know, maybe this is selfish and I'm sorry about it, but I-I was kinda hoping tonight could just be about that.
RachelOh honey, but it is just about...
RossOh, it is! It is!
MonicaNo it's not! No! No! Now it's about you and Ross getting back together!
MonicaSee yeah umm, you kinda stole my thunder!
RossOk! Ho-ho! We did not steal your thunder because we are not getting back together.
RachelYeah. No. And-and you know what? Nobody even saw!
RachelHoney, I swear, we just kissed.
RossIt was just a kiss. (Phoebe enters and overhears this.)
PhoebeYou guys kissed?! What does this mean?!! Are you, are you getting back together?! Can I sing at your wedding?
MonicaThunder being stolen!
RachelOk, come on Phoebe, it's nothing! Monica, come on!
RossLook let's not make a big deal out of this! It was a one time thing. It doesn't even matter!
(Chandler and Joey enter and overhear that.)
JoeyOh my God! I cannot believe you guys are talking about this! The problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman! All right?! Now Chandler is doing the best he can!
Chandler(angrily) I don't think that's what they were talking about Joe!
RahcelNo, but let's talk about it.
PhoebeWhat a great night, Chandler can't do it, these guys kissed... (Points to Ross and Rachel.)
JoeyYou guys kissed! Oh, this is huge!
RachelNo-no, it's really not huge.
RossAnd, people thinking it's huge has led Monica to believe that we are stealing her thunder. (To Monica) Which we are not!
MonicaWell, we're still talking about it, aren't we?
PhoebeWell yeah, that and Chandler's problem.
JoeyMonica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel better if we all stop talking about Ross and Rachel?
MonicaYeah, that would be lovely.
JoeyYou got it. Ok. Now, I can pass for 19 right?!
ChandlerYes, you can pass for 19.
ChandlerSeriously? Seriously, no! Ok? You can play your own age which is 31!
Joey(gasps) I'm 30!
RachelJoey, you are not! You're 31.
Joey(realizes) Aww crap!
PhoebeOk, so The Plaza! Ok, we'll get us some Mai Thai's, (To Chandler) maybe no more for you though.
MonicaYou know what? I-I think that umm, I don't feel like going to The Plaza.
RachelHoney, Monica, this is ridiculous! Look...
MonicaNo-no, I-I really don't wanna talk about it! I don't! (To Rachel) Especially with you. (Goes into her room.)
JoeyPsss, that is whack!
[Time lapse, Phoebe is playing the guitar for Joey.]
Phoebe(she's strumming something) Yeah? (Joey nods yes.) Ok, I think I'll play it at the wedding.
JoeyYeah! Well, we'll see if they actually let you play. Huh? I mean they tell you anything you wanna hear like, like, "You look 19," and then they just take it away like-like, "No you don't."
PhoebeWell, I don't think Monica is gonna take this away.
PhoebeWould she? Would she? It's starting to sound like wood cheese.
JoeyI could go for some wood cheese right now.
Rachel's bedroom, she's pacing as Ross knocks on her door and opens it a little to stick his hands in.
RossGuess who? (Enters fully.)
RossHey, I just realized we kinda let some stuff up in the air...
RachelWhat do you think Monica mean when she said I don't wanna talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing.
RossStill thinking about it huh?
RachelCome on! Serious-ser-ser-seriously, what did she mean by that? (Mimicking Monica.) Especially you!
Ross(loosening his tie) Oh, who cares?
Ross(tightening his tie) And so do I.
RachelYou know what, I-I have to go talk to her, would you let me just get changed?
RossOk. Sure. (Sits down on her bed.)
RachelAm I going to let you watch me undress?
Ross(sitting up) No! (Exits.)
Monica and Chandler's bedroom, they are both getting undressed.
MonicaI can't believe her, you know it's-it's just- it's so typical.
ChandlerNow, Monica, I know you're upset, but don't forget. There is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then there's gonna be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris.
ChandlerWe will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la (mumbles something).
ChandlerThen we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just because it's romantic, but because I can!
MonicaI love you!
(They start making out and both start to feel something growing below the belt line.)
Monica(in French) Bonjour, monsieur.
ChandlerOk, don't say anything, you might scare it away.
(There is a knock on the door.)
ChandlerIt's Paris, who knows we're here!
Monica(opening the door) Hi Pheebs, what's up? (She enters.)
PhoebeOk, you said I could sing at your wedding so, I'm just gonna need a small deposit.
PhoebeYou know, just some good faith money to hold the date.
ChandlerPheebs, we're not giving you a deposit for our wedding!
PhoebeOh, I see. (Exits angrily.)
[Cut to the living room, Joey is eating a sandwich.)
JoeyThey break your heart, don't they?
PhoebeYou know, I don't really need their permission.
JoeyYeah! If you wanna sing at their wedding, well you sing at their wedding!
PhoebeYeah! And if you wanna look 19, then you... You gotta do something about your eyes.
JoeyWhat?! What's wrong with my eyes?
PhoebeThey give you away! There's just-there's just too much wisdom in there. (Joey nods in agreement.) Just put some tea bags on them for like 15 minutes.
JoeyAnd that'll get rid of my wisdom?
PhoebeMaybe just 10 minutes for you.
[Cut back to Monica and Chandler's room, they are making out again as there's another knock on the door.]
ChandlerGive her the deposit! Give her the ring! I don't care!
(Monica opens the door to Ross and Rachel.)
RachelMonica, what did you mean before when you said you didn't want to talk to anyone, especially me?
ChandlerWhat a great apology! (To Monica) And you accept! Ok, bye-bye!
RachelNo-no, seriously-seriously, what was the especially me part about?
MonicaWell, let's just say it's not the first time you've stolen my thunder.
Ross(To Rachel) Hey, here's a thought.
(Rachel ignores him and follows Monica into the kitchen.)
RachelMonica, what are you talking about?
MonicaMy Sweet Sixteen! Remember, you went to third base with my cousin Charlie.
Chandler(entering) Ahh, third base.
MonicaIt's all everybody at the party could talk about!
RachelMonica, you know what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring!
Monica(gasps) We had a caricaturist!
Whenever I get married, guess who won't get to sing?
Somebody named Geller! And somebody else named Bing!
RachelMonica, your Sweet Sixteen was like a million years ago.
MonicaAnd yet, here we are doing it again.
RachelUgh, Monica, I don't wanna steal your stupid thunder!
MonicaOh please! Why else would you have made out with Ross?!
RossGot me. (He shows of his hands.)
RachelAll right, easy mimey, the moment has passed, it ain't gonna happen!
MonicaI just thought it would be nice if I could have just this one night!
RachelI swear, I never wanted any part of your night! No one was supposed to see us kissing!
MonicaOh, is that why you did it the secret hallway where nobody ever goes?!
RossUh, Rachel, I've been thinking. I don't think us getting together tonight is such a good idea. I'm calling it off.
Chandler(To Ross) Way to save your dignity my man.
Rachel(ignoring them) Monica, why? Why, would I ever want to take away from your night?
MonicaI don't know! I don't- maybe you're feeling a little resentful? Maybe ah, maybe you thought you'd get married first! Maybe you can't stand the fact that your formerly fat friend is getting married before you!
RachelOh wow. That- you know what? That is so unfair. You know what? Now I wanna steal your thunder! Come on, Ross, let's go have sex!
(Ross tries to dismiss it by making that sound, but decides to go for it and follows Rachel.)
Monica(yelling after them) I can't believe you're gonna have sex on my engagement night!
ChandlerWell, somebody should. (Monica glares at him.)
[Cut to Rachel's bedroom.]
RossLook uh, if we're gonna do this...
RachelWe're not gonna do this, all right? She's just gonna think that we're doing it.
RossI see, so everybody wins.
(There's a knock on the door.)
RachelWho is it?
Monica(outside the door) It's Monica, open up!
RachelOk well Ross! Stop it please! Wait a minute! (Motions for him to follow her lead, but he angrily shakes his head no. So she pokes him.)
RachelYeah, you like that baby? (Monica bursts in followed by Chandler.) May we help you?
MonicaI just wanted to say that I hope you do have sex tonight and I hope that you guys get back together, but I must warn you, the night that you announce your engagement I'm going to announce that I'm pregnant!
ChandlerHow is that ever going to happen?!
RachelAll right Monica, do you wanna know why I was with Ross tonight?!
MonicaI know why!
RachelNo you don't know why!
RachelBecause! Because I was sad.
MonicaWhat do you mean?
RachelLook, I am so...so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that I'm not. I'm not even close. And I don't know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that that's dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler!
(Ross looks at Chandler.)
Chandler(To Ross) I don't care, she slept with me.
RachelAnyway sweetie, I am, I'm so sorry I ruined your night.
Monica(starting to cry) I'm sorry I almost made you sleep with Ross. (They hug.)
Ross(deadpan) Well, I'm gonna take off. (To Chandler) Congratulations man.
Ross(at the door) And uh, Rachel.
RossWhat can I say, you missed your chance. From now on the only person who's gonna enjoy these bad boys (holds up his hands) is me. (Quickly realizes what he said and exits disgustedly.) (Chandler looks at his hands and then exits. Rachel and Monica hug).
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is singing outside Monica and Chandler's door.
Phoebe(singing) We thought Phoebe would leave, but she just stayed and stayed. That's right, I'm here all night, and Chandler will never get l...
Chandler(interrupting her just in time) Hey! Here's a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding.
PhoebeOh thank you.
ChandlerOk. (Goes back to bed.)
PhoebeOh, now... (Starts singing again) Who will perform the ceremony! Who will perform the ceremo- (Chandler enters and grabs her guitar and closes the door behind him) Oh oh! All right, I'll pound on him in the morning.
Teleplay by David Crane & Marta Kauffman; Story by Wil Calhoun; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with new parts transcribed by Adam W; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp