Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there having breakfast and Rachel and Chandler are at the table talking.
Rachel(to Chandler) You know, Chandler. You-you're doing so well with this whole getting married, never gonna sleep with anyone for the rest of your life thing. I'm telling you, I think it's great.
(Joey enters carrying a loaf of bread)
JoeyWho wants French toast?
RossOh, I'll have some!
JoeyGood, me too. (Tosses him the loaf.) Eggs and milk are in the fridge. Thanks.
Monica(entering from her room) Oww!
ChandlerOh, what's the matter honey?
MonicaI don't know, my hand feels weird. I guess it's because, I'm engaged! (Shows off the ring.) How long before that starts getting annoying?
RachelYeah, so let's actually get started on the wedding plans!
MonicaOk! (Runs off.)
RachelYeah, we got a lot to do! We gotta think about the flowers, the caterers, the music...
ChandlerOh, I got some thoughts on that.
RachelOh wait Chandler, too many cooks...
RossTake it from me, as the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say the right name.
Monica(returning) Ok! (Sets down a huge 3" 3-ring binder on the table.)
ChandlerWhat in God's name is that?!
RossOh my God, the wedding book?! I haven't seen that since the forth grade!
MonicaThis baby has got everything. Take, you know, locations, for instance. (She opens up the binder to the locations chapter.) First, organized alphabetically, then geographically, then by square footage.
PhoebeThat is so smart! (To Chandler, under her breath) Break it off. Break it off now.
Rachel(looking through the book) Oh my look, here's the invitation you used to your wedding to John Linch in the 5th grade. Remember, I got sick and Ross had to fill in as a bridesmaid.
RossI was a bridesboy!
JoeyI don't smell French toast, bridesboy!
A Classroom, Ross is giving a lecture.
RossAnd that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first! Now, let's take a look at... (Phoebe rushes in.)
RossPhoebe, oh my God! Wh-wh-what are you doing here?
PhoebeI need to talk to you, it's pretty urgent. It's about Monica and Chandler.
RossOh my God! Um, of course. (To the class.) Uh, would you please excuse me, for a moment? Umm, do you know each other's hometowns? Why don't you... (Motions that they should learn everyone's hometown.) (To Phoebe) Wh-what's going on?
PhoebeWell, umm, not much. But, I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, you know? So, could I just move in with you for a couple of days?
RossUmm, ok, yeah, sure. But wh-what's wrong with Monica and Chandler?
RossPhoebe, you said it was urgent!
PhoebeOh yeah it is! I'm going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes.
RossDo you realize I have a classroom full of students?
Phoebe(to the students) Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movies?
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel and Monica are pretty much telling Chandler what the wedding plans are.
MonicaAll right, so I haven't cleared the budget with my parents yet, but tell me how this is for music.
MonicaAll right umm, a string quartet for the processional.
MonicaA jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was for my sixth grade wedding.
ChandlerWell, you couldn't get them anyway. I mean Ian doesn't plan anymore and Derrick... (Off Rachel and Monica's looks) Oh Derrick is a name I shouldn't know.
Joey(sitting up from the couch) Hey, Mon, do you have another pillow? (Holds up one.) You know, something a little snugglyer?
ChandlerWhy are you napping over here instead of over your place?
JoeyWell, the duck...
RachelWhat?! The duck?! What the hell did the damn duck do now?!
JoeyUh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up!
ChandlerNow, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?
MonicaOf course you can look at it! Yeah, I want your opinion too!
MonicaHere you go! What do you think about centerpieces?
MonicaYeah! Roses or Lilies? (Holds up a picture of each.)
ChandlerDefinitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just think they're a little more weddingy you know. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice.
MonicaOh my God! It's like one mind.
Joey(sitting up again) Guys! Guys! You gotta let me nap! Ugh, I'm gonna get cranky!
RachelJoey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall!
JoeyYes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck got sick!
JoeyAll right, I'm gonna go! (Gets up and heads for the door.)
RachelNow Joey, what did the duck do?!
JoeyI don't know! But he did not eat your face cream!
[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Joey enters and heads for his bedroom. He pushes open the door to find the duck.]
JoeyHey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck quacks and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (He's about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachel's room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) That's so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweeper. Her father, the vicar...(Stops reading and thinks.) Vicar? (Continues reading) ...wouldn't be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his...(Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Continues to read.)
Ross's apartment, Phoebe has moved in and has a massage client on her table she's set up in the living room. Ross enters and is shocked to see a naked man lying on the table.
PhoebeOh Ross, hi.
RossPhoebe, what're you doing?
PhoebeI'm sorry, I'm with a client right now.
PhoebeOk, let's talk outside. (to her client) Joel, Um, unfortunately this time will be counted as part of your massage. So, um, try and (pause) think relaxing thoughts.
RossAnd Joel, Don't touch any of my dinosaurs. I know they're cool but they're mine.
(They go into the hall.)
RossPhoebe, you can't massage people in my apartment!
PhoebeWhat's the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandler's.
RossAnd they knew about it?
Phoebe(pause as she considers it) Ok, look, Ross, what is this really about?
RossLook, this is my home and I wanna be able to come and go whenever I want!
PhoebeOk, I will find some place else to do the rest of my appointments. I just don't know what the big deal is!
RossThe big deal is I don't want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment when I wanna kick back with a puzzle- beer! Cold beer.
Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sweeping up as Rachel enters.
RachelHey Joey, what'cha doing?
JoeySweeping. Why? It's turning you on?
JoeyHmm. What if I was uh sweeping a chimney?
RachelJoey, did you eat my face cream?
(She walks into her bedroom.)
JoeyWhere're you going? The vicar won't be home for hours.
(She comes back out.)
RachelJoey, (nervously) where did you learn that word?
JoeyWhere do you think, (pause) Zelda?
Rachel(gasps) You found my book?!
JoeyYeah I did!
RachelJoey, what-what're you doing going into my bedroom?!
JoeyOk, loo- I'm sorry, I went in there to take a nap and I know I shouldn't have, but you got porn!
RachelGod, I cannot believe you invaded my privacy like that!
JoeyWoa! Zelda. Now you seem a little tense. Maybe you'd relax if I gave you a nice milk bath.
RachelOk. You know what? I don't even like that part.
JoeyOh I do.
RachelYou- hey, you know what? I don't care! I'm not ashamed of my book. There's nothing wrong with a woman enjoying a little... erotica. It's just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, is something that you will never understand. (She goes into her room.)
JoeyYou got porn!
Ross's apartment, Ross is coming out of the living room carrying his salad and a puzzle- beer! Cold beer. And he decides to fold up Phoebe's massage table, but being Ross has trouble with it as there is a knock on the door, he sets the table back up and opens the door to reveal a beautiful woman.
WomanHi, is uh Phoebe here?
RossUh no-no, she-she's out for the night.
RossCan I, can I help you with something?
WomanWell, I don't know. Are you a masseur?
Ross(deadpan) Yes I am.
WomanGreat! (Calls down the hall) Dad! (Her old father walks in.) Thank you so much, I'll be back to pick him up in an hour. (She walks away.)
(Ross isn't happy and closes the door slowly.)
(The man begins to unbutton his shirt)
RossYou need help with that?
A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are having dinner with her parents.
Mrs. GellerSo Chandler, your parents must've been thrilled when you told them you were engaged.
ChandlerOh, yeah, I should probably call them.
Mr. GellerI remember when we first got engaged.
ChandlerOh, I don't think I ever heard that story.
MonicaOh, dad, really you don't need to...
Mr. Geller(ignoring her) Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know that happened.
Mrs. Geller(incredulous) You don't know how that happened?! Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy!
ChandlerWhat a sweet story.
MonicaWell, at least you're not hearing it for the first time at your fifth grade Halloween party.
Mr. GellerWhat?! They wanted a scary story!
MonicaAnyway, we're really excited about our wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon we'll be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. (Chandler and her laugh, but her parents don't.) What?
Mrs. GellerYou tell her Jack, I can't do it.
MonicaWhat happened? You still have the Monica wedding fund don't you?
Mr. GellerWe have it. Only now, we call it the beach house.
MonicaI can't believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house!
Mrs. GellerWe're sorry honey, but we just assumed if you got married after you turned 30 you'd pay for it yourself.
MonicaYou bought the beach house when I was 23!
Mr. GellerWhich means you had seven years of beach fun and you can't put a price on that sweetie.
Mrs. GellerWe really do feel bad about this though.
Mr. GellerWe started saving again when you were dating Richard but then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen.
MonicaWhat about when I started dating Chandler?
Mrs. GellerWell it was Chandler! We didn't think he'd ever propose!
ChandlerClearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. (Starts to make up for lost time and takes a big swig of his drink.)
MonicaI can't believe it! That there is no money for my wedding?!
Mrs. GellerWe might still have some money, if your father hadn't thought it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet.
Mr. GellerIt seemed like such a simple idea.
Mrs. GellerStupid Jack, the word is stupid.
Mr. GellerAll right, enough! I don't wanna hear about it anymore. (Under his breath) Good luck, Chandler. (Chandler takes another drink.)
Ross's apartment, his massage client is on the table and Ross is reluctantly starting his massage. He spreads some lotion in his hands, and doesn't like it.
RossOk! Now, I'm going to touch you. (He does so, very gingerly.) Ohh, that's soft. (He starts poking him and notices his salad spoons and starts to massage him with those.)
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel and Phoebe enter.
PhoebeWhy does Joey keep talking about chimney sweeps and vicars?
RachelI think he's just been rehearsing for an episode of his show.
Phoebe'Cause it really sounds like a bad porn novel.
(Chandler and Monica enter)
MonicaI can't believe this. Do you think that your parents could help pay for it?
ChandlerI don't know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. She's saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to (Pause) Dollywood.
RachelWell what happened at dinner?
MonicaMy parents spent the money for our wedding!
Phoebe(gasps) My God! What did you order?!
RachelWait, but there's no money?! Well this is terrible! You guys are gonna have to get married in like a, rec. center!
MonicaOh my God, you're right! And we're gonna have to be out by 6 so they can take out the floor for senior swim.
ChandlerHoney, it's gonna be ok.
MonicaNo! No it's not! It's not gonna be ok! It sucks! No swing band! No lilies!
PhoebeNo, but that's good. You don't want lilies. If a cat ate them, it would die.
PhoebeI'm just saying that now you could invite cats.
RachelYou know what? It's gonna be ok. I mean you don't need to have this rustic Italian feast. You know? And-and you don't need, this custom-made, empire waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off-the-rack. (She starts to cry, as does Monica.)
ChandlerLook, it really is gonna be ok. The important thing is that we love each other and that we're gonna get married.
RachelDo you even understand what off-the-rack means?
PhoebeWhy don't you just pay for it yourself?
MonicaHow? I don't have any money.
ChandlerWell, I have some.
ChandlerWell, close to... (Notices Rachel leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.)
MonicaWhoa! Are you kidding me?!
RachelWell what?! How-how much is it?!
MonicaIt's enough for wedding scenario A.
RachelOhh! (Whispers.) Really?!
PhoebeWait, wait, wait. (Checks the book) Scenario A has lilies. Someone's gonna have to break it to the cats and it ain't gonna be me.
Monica(To Chandler) How great are you, you little saver?! I mean, the-the amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding!
Rachel(starting to cry) Ohh, you guys are so made for each other.
ChandlerWell, you're not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?
Rachel and MonicaAh, yeah!
ChandlerWell, Mon, I've been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for, a party.
Phoebe(reading the slip of paper) Wow! (In a sultry voice) Hello, Mr. Chandler.
MonicaSweetie, this is the most special day of our lives.
ChandlerNo, I realize that honey, but I'm not gonna spend all of the money on one party.
MonicaHoney, umm I-I love you, (laughs) but umm, if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not get invited. Ok? (Laughs) Listen, we can always earn more money, ok? But uh, we're only gonna get married once.
ChandlerLook, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Ok? The answer is no.
MonicaYou-you're gonna have to put your foot down?
ChandlerYes, I am!
PhoebeWow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with.
Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Rachel enters and sees Joey sitting there.
JoeyHey Rach, you smell smoke?
RachelUh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney, chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha.
JoeyNo-no-no, I'm serious. You don't smell it? Something's on fire.
RachelNo, I don't-I don't smell anything.
JoeyOh, you know what? It's probably just your burning loins.
Ross(sitting down) Hey, what're you guys, what're you guys talking about?
Ross(takes a drink) Damn, this coffee's cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins? (Joey and he both laugh.)
RachelYou know, I can not believe you told him, Joey!
RossSo I guess you bought that book after we broke up huh?
RachelUh-huh, yeah I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you. (Exits.)
Ross(chases her) Oh yeah, yeah? Well uh, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines! (Realizes a table of women overheard him.) (To that table.) 'Sup?
Phoebe(entering) Ross! How could you do that to an old man?!
Ross(looking at the table) Excuse me ladies. (To Phoebe) I'm sorry?
PhoebeMy massage client, Arthur? His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.
Ross(incredulous) I gave him an extremely professional massage!
PhoebeHe said you poked at him with wooden spoons.
RossOk, so it wasn't uh, a traditional massage. But I did give him accupressure with a pair of chopsticks. And, and I gently exfoliated him with, with a mop.
PhoebeWell, he's never coming back! Ok? You just cost me eighty dollars a week!
RossHey, you know what? This is your fault! You're the one who didn't move his-his appointment.
PhoebeOh, it's my fault?! You didn't have to massage him! You could've sent him away! You could've not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back!
RossHe said he liked that! Oh you're right, you're right. I'm sorry.
JoeyDude, what're you massaging an old man for?
RossHis daughter was hot.
PhoebeLook, Ross, I really need that $80 every week.
RossLook, I'm sure you'll find another massage client Phoebe.
PhoebeYeah I'm sure I will too. But until then I'm going to massage you every week for the price of $100.
RossYou just said 80.
PhoebeDo you want me to mess up your puzzle?
RossA hundred it is.
Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing her checkbook as Joey enters from his room wearing a hockey helmet, gloves, and shin guards.
RachelWho are you supposed to be?
RachelDo you even know what a vicar is?
JoeyLike a goalie, right?
RachelYeah. Look Joey, it's enough, all right? The joke's over. I'm sick of it!
JoeyYou mean, this isn't the sweet torment you've been waiting all your life for?
RachelJoey, I'm serious, all right? It's enough. You keep making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and it's- I'm not- it's just not funny anymore!
JoeyAll right, I'm sorry. Rach I- Rach I'm sorry. Ok? I'm sorry! Maybe I can make up it to you by, taking you roughly in the barn. (Giggles.)
RachelAll right! You know what? That's it! You wanna do it?! Let's do it!
Rachel(starting to move closer to him) That's right, I wanna do it with you! I've been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things.
Joey(nervously backing away) I-I-I-I did? (He puts a stool in front of her.)
Rachel(moves the stool out of the way) Yeah! Ohh, I've been waiting so long to get on that body!
JoeyThis body? (He backs into the kitchen.)
RachelYeah that's right! Come on Joey, sex me up!
JoeyHey-hey, you're starting to sound like the butcher's wife there in-in chapter seven.
RachelOh, come on now, don't keep me waiting. Get those clothes off! But, I would keep that helmet on because you're in for a rough ride! (He backs into the door.)
JoeyI don't want to, I'm scared.
(Rachel walks away, pleased with herself.)
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the wedding book as Monica enters.
MonicaListen, umm, I've been thinking, and, it's not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.
MonicaWell, you work for that.
ChandlerLook, I thought about it too, and, I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
ChandlerYeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then that's what we're gonna do.
MonicaHmm, you're so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Ohhh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?
ChandlerEh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, you know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
MonicaYou thought about that?
MonicaHow many kids were we gonna have?
ChandlerUh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.
MonicaWhat else did you think about?
ChandlerWell, stuff like where'd we live, you know? Like a, small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. You know, we could have a cat that had a bell on it's collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Monica(laughs) You know what? I-I don't want, want a big, fancy wedding.
ChandlerSure you do.
MonicaNo, I want everything that you just said. I want a marriage.
ChandlerI love you so much.
MonicaI love you. (They kiss.) Hey listen umm, when, when you were talking about our future you said cat, but you meant dog right.
ChandlerOh yeah, totally!
Ross's appartment. Phoebe is massaging Ross on the masage table.
PhoebeRoom temperature ok?
PhoebeExcellent. Is the music too loud?
PhoebeGood. (Phoebe hits Ross's back with a large book and he screams)
RossHey, What the hell are you doing?
PhoebeI'm sorry, were you expecting a traditional massage, with the hands?
PhoebeNow just try to relax.
(Phoebe goes off to get a large dinosaur ornament)
Written by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with additional transcribing by Adam; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp