Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, and Monica are all there as Chandler enters wearing glasses.
ChandlerHey you guys!
Ross and RachelHey!
ChandlerSo, what do you think?
ChandlerAre you kidding? Ok, I'll give you a hint; I'll give you a hint. (Points to his glasses.)
JoeyEyes! No, no. Your eyes! No. Chandler's eyes!
ChandlerI got glasses!
RossWell, you-you always had glasses.
ChandlerNo I didn't!
RossAre you sure?
RachelYeah-yeah, did-didn't you use to have a pair? They were really round, burgundy, and they made you look kind of umm...
MonicaSweetie, I think the glasses look great. They make you look really sexy.
Chandler(sitting down on the arm of her chair) You didn't think I used to wear glasses, right?
MonicaOf course! (She mouths, "I have no idea," to the rest of the gang.)
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are making some sandwiches.
PhoebeSo what do you guys want for an engagement present?
ChandlerThat's ok Pheebs, we're not having a party or anything, so you don't have to get us...
Monica(interrupts him) If someone wants to give us a present, we don't wanna deprive them of that joy.
RachelOh, you know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.
MonicaOh, I already have one.
PhoebeNot unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
RachelYeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.
MonicaHey, I know I what I want!
ChandlerWhat we want honey.
MonicaNo-no, you don't want this. You know, I want to have your grandmother's cookie recipe.
PhoebeYou mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe?
PhoebeYou mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family?
ChandlerDying people say the craziest things.
MonicaI wanted it for years! I was gonna make cookies for my children.
PhoebeBreak my heart- Oh all right.
MonicaOk. I'm gonna be the mom who makes the world's best chocolate chip cookies.
ChandlerOur kids are gonna be fat aren't they.
ChandlerHey! How's the boat?!
JoeyGreat! I'm really getting into this sailing stuff.
MonicaOh, so you finally took it out of the marina huh?
JoeyWhy would I do that? It took three guys to get the thing in there!
PhoebeIf you don't sail your boat, what do you do on it?
JoeyOh, it's great! It's a great place to just kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips. (He says that as he sits, hangs around, drinks a beer, and eats a chip.)
ChandlerWell, it's good that you finally have a place to do that.
RachelYou know, Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
RachelYeah! I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
PhoebeYour own boat?
RachelWhat?! What?! He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.
Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there. He takes off his glasses and starts chewing on the earpiece.
ChandlerYou know what I was thinking?
ChandlerNothing, I just like to go like this. (Does it again.)
Ross(entering from the bathrooms) Hey Chandler, what're you doing tonight?
ChandlerUh why, do you have a lecture?
ChandlerThen free as a bird. What's up?
RossUm, my dad wanted to know if you want to play racquetball with us.
MonicaWow! That's great! Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play.
RossYeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
ChandlerWell, did-did you correct him?
RossNo, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.
MonicaThis is so cool, maybe this is something you could do every week.
RossYeah. Or you can sit with him on the front porch and make sure no one steals the trash cans. He does that every week too.
MonicaOh, just so you know, you-you have to let him win.
MonicaHe hates to lose.
ChandlerOh no problem, maybe I'll play with my left hand.
RossYou're not a lefty?
ChandlerDoes anybody know me?!
(Phoebe enters, walks up to Monica, and exhales exasperatedly.)
MonicaWhat's wrong Phoebe?
PhoebeI just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and that stupid fire burned it up!
MonicaNooo! Why didn't you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards away from the original?!
Phoebe(pauses as she figures out how to answer that) Because I'm normal! That was the one legacy my grandmother left me, and I know you wanted it as an engagement present.
RossOh, we have to get you an engagement present?
ChandlerDon't worry about it Pheebs.
RossNo one got me an engagement present.
PhoebeOk here, I don't have the recipe, but... here, I wish you health and happiness. (She hands Monica a cookie in a plastic Baggie.)
ChandlerAn old cookie?
Monica(To Chandler) This is what happens when you don't register for gifts!
PhoebeSee no, I-I made a batch and I froze it, and this is the only one left.
ChandlerWe can't accept this.
Chandler'Cause it's gross.
MonicaNo! Wait! I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie! I do stuff like this at work all the time.
MonicaYeah! I bet I can do it.
(Chandler looks over and sees Ross glaring at them.)
ChandlerOk, Ross, we owe you a present.
RossTwo! I've been engaged twice!
The Mr. Bowmont (Joey's boat), she's shown to be in one of the waterways around New York, but in reality she's in a sound stage on the Warner Bros. lot and we see New York from the water in some rather poor green screen shots. Rachel and Joey are on board.
Joey(drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just 'cause he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
RachelThat is the Coast Guard.
JoeyWhat're they doing out here? Coast's all the way over there. (Points to the coast, meanwhile there is coast behind him.)
RachelJoey, just ignore the boats all right? We're not finished with the lesson yet.
RachelOk, I'm just gonna go over the basic points for one more time, are you ready?
JoeyCome on Rach, not again. I got it! Ok? Let's start sailing, and I wanna go over there (Points) where that boatload of girls is! (Yelling to them) Yo-ho-ho!
RachelOh, ok. Is that what you wanna do? You wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Ok, let's do that Sailor Joe. Quick question though, (grabs some of the rigging) what's this called?
JoeyUh, boat rope.
RachelWrong! How do you get the main sail up?
JoeyUhh, rub it?
RachelNo. What do you do if I say we are coming about?
JoeyI'd say, come again. No-no, wait I-I-I know this one, I know this one, uh...
(Rachel blasts an air horn in his ear.)
RachelTime's up, now you're dead.
RachelOk, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you sailor?! (She punctuates each word by slapping him on the forehead.)
RachelDon't just say yes! This isn't a game, Joey you can really get hurt out here. Ok, so you wanna pay attention or do you wanna die?!
JoeyI wanna make a ship to shore call to Chandler.
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are trying to determine the cookie recipe by eating small pieces.
MonicaAll right, I definitely taste nutmeg.
MonicaYou don't? (Laughs) Well, that's the difference between a professional and a layman.
PhoebeThat and arrogance.
MonicaHey! How was sailing?
JoeyI don't wanna talk about it. You know, you could've at least saved me a whole cookie. (He grabs what's left of the cookie and pops in his mouth.)
Monica and PhoebeNo-wait-no-hey!
Joey(recoils in horror) Women are mean! (Storms out.)
PhoebeI can't believe that! Look now the only thing that's left of my grandmother's legacy is this crumb. (She picks it up with her finger and holds it out to Monica.) I wish you a long and happy marriage.
Ross(entering with Chandler) Hey.
MonicaHey! How was it?
RossWell I had a great time! Umm, Chancy on the other hand...
ChandlerI will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said that I can call him dad.
RossAnd what did he ask you not to call him?
ChandlerDaddy. All right look, here's the story. (Flashback to Chandler about to enter the steam room as he does the voice-over.) Well, we've just finished playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it's really steamy. (The flashback shows his glasses fog up and him trying to find his way around the steam filled room. He takes off his glasses.) So I take off my glasses and that's when it happened.
[Cut to the flashback, Chandler's no longer doing the voice-over.]
RossOver here. (You can see Ross sitting at the far wall.)
Mr. GellerHave a seat son. (You can see Mr. Geller sitting closer to the door as Chandler walks over and sits in his lap.) Hey! (Chandler quickly jumps off and sits next to him with a shocked expression on his face.)
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is finished telling everyone what happened.
MonicaOh my God Chandler! I can't believe it!
MonicaYou gave my father a lap dance!
ChandlerWhy do they put so much steam in there?!
RossUh otherwise they'd have to call it, the room room.
ChandlerWhy? Ok? Why? Wh-wh-why did that have to happen?
PhoebeCome on, it's not that big a deal!
ChandlerNot that big a deal? There... there was touching of things.
RossChandler, I know you wanted to bond with my dad, but did you really have to bond to that part?
MonicaListen, I'm sure that dad doesn't care. He probably thought this was really funny; he'll be telling this story for years!
ChandlerI don't want him to tell this story for years.
RossOh, but he will. He still tells the story how Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
MonicaI wasn't escaping.
RossThen how did you get caught in the barbed wire?
MonicaI was trying to help out a squirrel.
RossYou were trying to eat it!
(The phone rings.)
ChandlerIf that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off!
Monica(takes the phone from Ross) Come on. (Answering phone) Hello? (Listens) I'm sorry you have the wrong number. (Listens) (Whispering) Ok, I'll call you later dad. I love you. (Hangs up.)
Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are there.
Chandler(getting up) All right, I'm off to see your dad.
RossWhoa-whoa, aren't you a little overdressed?
Rachel(laughing) Yeah, and-and you better make sure he tips you this time.
ChandlerLook, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I figured the best way to do that was face to face. And by face I don't mean his lap. And by face, I don't mean my ass. (Exits.)
Ross(To Rachel) Hey, are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present?
RachelI don't know. You know, they didn't get us anything.
RachelWell hello! So, when are we getting back out on the water matey?
JoeyOh uh, I don't know the boat way to say this, but uh never!
JoeyBecause! You're mean on the boat!
RachelWhat? I was just trying to teach you.
JoeyWell, lesson learned! Rachel is mean!
RossYeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help out at all.
RachelExcuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
RossYou have to respect the sea! (Storms off.)
RachelLook, Joey, I'm sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. Ok, my father, is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a really good teacher.
JoeyDoes a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead!?"
RachelWell, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson?
JoeySix and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember?
RachelYeah, I didn't want you to get hit by the boom!
JoeyWell it hit me anyway! And it would've hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer.
RachelAll right, you know what? I-I'm sorry. I will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling.
JoeyYou won't boss me around anymore?
RachelI won't boss you around.
JoeyAnd you'll be nice?
RachelAnd I'll be nice.
JoeyAnd you'll be topless?
JoeyDo you want me to learn?!
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is trying out different cookie recipes. Ross and Phoebe are the tasting group.
MonicaOk, here's batch 22. Ohh, maybe these'll taste a little like your grandmother's. This has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg.
RossLet's give it a shot.
MonicaOk. I have not made this many cookies since I was in the ninth grade.
PhoebeOh, what was that for? Like a bake sale?
MonicaNo, just a Friday night.
(They all take a bite.)
RossOhh, these are pretty good.
PhoebeYeah, but not as good as batch 17.
RossWhich one was that?
MonicaThe ones we had right after you almost threw up.
RossOh yeah! Batch 17 was good. I did not like batch 16. (Burps a little bit.) I'm ok.
PhoebeAre there anymore from the good batch? 'Cause we could just work off those.
RossYeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch 17 left, uh... (Grabs a cookie and takes a big bite out of it and doesn't like it.) It's batch 16! 16 people! Get out of the way! (Gets up and runs for the bathroom.)
The Mr. Bowmont, it's Joey's second lesson with Rachel as the resident sailing expert.
RachelOk, Joey, honey, you're doing really good! All right, now I'm just gonna need you to step to the port side. (Joey pauses as he tries to remember which side is the port side.) Remember? Remember how we talked about the port side?
RachelIt's left sweetie, but that's ok, that's a tough one.
JoeyI don't know why you just don't say left.
RachelOk, go to the left. (Joey goes starboard or sits on the right side of the boat.) The left!
Rachel(yelling) Just sit over there! (Points to the port side.)
Joey(hurrying over) Ok! Ok, you're yelling at me again! See that?
RachelNo! No-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said with love, no yelling.
JoeyOh, you know what? Since I'm here, I think I'm gonna have me a little beer on the port side. (Grabs and opens one.)
RachelOk Joey, we're luffing a little bit, so you'd tighten up the cunningham? (The mainsail has started to flap in the wind and has stopped working efficiently; she wants him to tighten it so that it starts working again.)
JoeyUh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I don't know there.
RachelJoey, come on! We just went over this! (She does it instead.)
JoeyOh, oh, you know what, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!
Rachel(angrily) No! All right?! I did not see the bird! I did not see the fish! I did not see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do!
JoeyAll right that's it! You're yelling and I don't see you taking your top off! I quit!
RachelWhat do you mean you quit?! You can't quit!
RachelBecause you're not finished yet and I won't have it! Greens do not quit!
JoeyGreens? I'm a Tribbiani! Tribbianis quit!
RachelOh my God, wait did I- I just said Greens don't quit didn't I? (Pause) (Angrily) Did I just say Greens don't quit?!
JoeyYes! Yes! You did and you're still yelling at me!
RachelNo! No! No! I'm not yelling at you, I'm just yelling near you. Oh God Joey, ohh I'm my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I've been trying so hard not to be my mother I did not see this coming. Oh, Joey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to learn. Aw.
JoeyHey, I did learn.
JoeyYeah! Come on.
JoeyYeah, it's ok. I know what a main sail is. (Points to it. It's the larger sail.) I know, I know to duck when the boom comes across. I-I know port is right.
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the cookie trying period has pasted. Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are reflecting on the day's events.
RossWhat are we gonna do with all these cookies? (thinks) Joey!
PhoebeYou know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother really happy to know that we're trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she's l-l-looking up at us and smiling right now.
PhoebeOh, yeah. No, she was really nice to me, but she's in hell for sure.
MonicaWell, I've tried everything. I give up. I guess I'm not gonna be the mom who makes the world's best chocolate chip cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe. Kids love that right.
RossAww, Pheeb, come on, isn't there any relative that would have the recipe? What about, what about your sister?
PhoebeOh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula is over my dead body. And that's not happening 'til October 15th, 2032.
RossThat's the day you're gonna die? See- darn it, I've got shuffleboard that day.
PhoebeThat's what you think.
MonicaWell, I mean what about friends of your grandmother's? Wouldn't they have the recipe?
PhoebeWell, you know I-I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Neselé Tolouse.
MonicaWhat was her name?
MonicaNestlé Toll House?!
PhoebeAgh, you Americans always butcher the French language.
Monica(grabbing a bag of Nestlé Toll House chocolate chips) Phoebe, is this the recipe? (Tosses her the bag.)
Phoebe(reading the recipe on the back of the bag) Yes! (Realizes.) Ohh.
MonicaI cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time!
PhoebeI know! You see it is stuff like this which is why (Looking down) you're burning in hell!
The Gym, Chandler and Mr. Geller are heading for the whirlpool room.
ChandlerSo you understand, I'd feel a lot more comfortable if you didn't tell people what happened. You know, I'm a little... I'm a little embarrassed about it.
Mr. GellerI understand completely, there's nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy I was unemployed, and her father asked me what I did for a living and I told him I was a lawyer.
ChandlerHmm, what-what did you do when they found out?
Mr. GellerThey never did, so if you ever see me giving them legal advice just nod along. Shall we?
(Chandler nods along and they enter the whirlpool room and remove their robes. Only Chandler is lacking a certain item of clothing. You see this is a coed whirlpool, which means swimsuits, and in fact there are two women already there and Chandler didn't seem to wear his. Needless to say, everyone is shocked, including Chandler.)
ChandlerSo, I guess we wear swimsuits in here!
The Mr. Bowmont, is tied up alongside the pier; Joey and Rachel are relaxing.
RachelWell Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun.
JoeyYeah, yeah. Hey, why don't you give a pull on that rope? (Points.)
RachelOhh we're not sailing.
JoeyJust pull on it.
RachelAll right. (She does so and it brings the cooler closer together.) Hey-hey-hey! (Sees what's in the cooler.) Sandwiches!
Rachel(hands him one) Here you go.
RachelOh wow! (She takes a bite, but holds the sandwich vertically so that the stuff falls out.)
JoeyWhat're you doing?
JoeyWhat you- don't hold it like that! You're letting all the good stuff fall out.
(More falls out.)
JoeyCareful! You wasted a good pastrami! (Gasps.) Oh my God! I'm my dad!
Written by Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matt; Annotated by ncp