Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac. Mac(on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives don't mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel, Chandler, and Monica aren't amused.)
C.H.E.E.S.EYou can say that again Mac.
MacWell, I couldn't have done it without you buddy. You're a genius.
C.H.E.E.S.EOh yeah? Well then how come I can't get my VCR to stop blinking at 12:00?
(They both break into a huge laugh and do that stop motion thing they had at the end of ChiPs.)
Joey(laughing and turning off the TV) So, what did you guys think?
(They all make happy faces as they are unable to express their feelings verbally. Finally, the phone rings and the race to answer it is won by Monica.)
Monica(on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on please. Joey, it's your mom. (Hands him the phone.)
ChandlerIt's your mommy. It's your mommy.
RachelThat's nice.
Joey(on phone) Mom, so, what did you think? (He walks away allowing the gang a chance to figure out what they're gonna say.)
RachelWell that was umm... Ok.
RossIt wasn't the best.
ChandlerThat was one of the worst things ever. And not just on TV.
MonicaWh-what are we gonna tell him?
RossWell, the-the lighting was ok.
RachelOhh no, you don't! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine!
MonicaAnd I have costumes.
RossOh great! That means I'm stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there (Points to the TV) and you were sitting right here! Whoa!"
(Phoebe gets up.)
RachelWhat're you gonna do Pheebs?
PhoebeI don't know. I don't know. I can't lie to him again. Oh no I-no! I'm just gonna press my breasts up against him.
ChandlerAnd say nothing?
PhoebeUh-huh, yeah that's right.
Joey(hangs up the phone) Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what-what did you guys think? (Phoebe smiles, walks up to him, and presses her breasts against him.) It wasn't that good. Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are reading on the couch. MonicaPhoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says very much about you?
PhoebeWhat? You mean behind my back?
Rachel(entering, excitedly) Oh! Hi, you guys, oh my God! You'll never gonna believe happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and...
Joey(entering from bathrooms excitedly) You guys! You guys! You're not gonna believe what my agent just told me!
RachelJoey! Kind of in the middle of a story here!
JoeyOoh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go.
RachelOk, so anyway I'm sitting in my office and guess who walks in.
JoeyI'm gonna be on two TV shows!
Monica and PhoebeOh, that's great!!
JoeyOh, you weren't finished?
RachelYeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. (To Monica and Phoebe) It was Ralph Lauren! (Monica and Phoebe gasp) Ralph Lauren walked into my office!
JoeyUh Rach, if you're gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine.
RachelIt's the same story.
Joey(groans in disgust) Wow, it's really long.
Rachel(ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he's so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
MonicaStill get a discount on wedding dresses?
MonicaI'm so happy for you!
JoeyWell, these really are the days of our lives.
JoeyWell, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe(gasps) Oh God!
RachelI got-I get a big pay raise!
PhoebeOh hey!
JoeyI'll be playing Drake Remoray's twin brother, Stryker!
RachelI get to hire my own assistant!
Monica and PhoebeAhhh!!
Joey(jumps up) Well-I got a head rush from standing up to fast right there. Rachel's New Office, she's interviewing a potential new assistant, Hilda. Rachel(reading the résumé) And you were at this job for four years?
HildaThat's right.
RachelOk, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this ok?
RachelI've never interviewed anyone before. I've actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isn't the same thing.
HildaNo dear. It's not.
RachelNo. Yeah, and I know that. So.. All right, well thank you so much for coming in it was nice to meet you.
HildaThank you! Good meeting you.
RachelAll right. (Hilda exits) I'm a total pro!
(There's a knock on the door and a handsome man enters.)
Rachel(seeing him) Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh I'm sorry the models are actually down the hall.
ManActually, I'm here about the assistant job.
RachelReally?! (Taking his resume) Ok, well, then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so what's-what is-what's your name?
ManTag Jones.
RachelUh-huh, go on.
TagThat's it. That's my whole name.
RachelThat's your whole name, ok of course it is! Ok, well let's-let's just have a look-see here. (Looking at his resume)
TagI know I haven't worked in an office before, and I really don't have a lot of experience, but uh...
RachelOh come on, what are you talking about? You've got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Friday's, come on!
TagIt's lame, I know. But I'm a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn...
RachelOk, just hold on a second please. (She grabs a camera out of the desk and takes his picture.) Sorry, it's for human resources, everybody has to do it. Would you just stand up please? Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair. ChandlerNo-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)
Phoebe(To Monica) Anyway, I should go.
PhoebeOk, bye.
Monica(To Chandler) Hey, sweetie.
ChandlerHi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
MonicaI can't tell you. It's a secret.
ChandlerSecret? Married people aren't supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.
MonicaAwww. (Kisses him.) But still no.
ChandlerNo I'm serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.
MonicaReally? Ok, so why don't you tell me what happened to Ross junior year at Disneyland?
ChandlerOh no-no, I can't do that.
MonicaIf you tell me, I'll tell you what Phoebe said.
ChandlerSo, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we're on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
MonicaOh my God. He threw up?
ChandlerNo, he visited a town a little south of throw up.
Monica(Laughs hysterically) No!
ChandlerYeah some of the employees decided to rename the park: "The Crappiest Place on Earth". So what was Phoebe's secret?
MonicaOh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe's old massage place, is getting fired.
ChandlerThat's it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
MonicaThat's right! You lose sucker! (Pause) Please still marry me. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. RachelChandler, you have an assistant right?
Chandler(angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
RachelNo, I-I just don't know how do you decide who to hire. I mean I've got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then there's this guy...
ChandlerWhat about him?
RachelI love him. He's so pretty I wanna cry! I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do.
PhoebeCome on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You don't hire an assistant because they're cute, you hire them because they're qualified.
RachelUh-huh. No, I hear what you're saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? (Takes out his picture.) Look how pretty!
PhoebeLet me see. (Looking at the picture) Oh my God! Oh... But no! No! You can't-you can't hire him, 'cause that-it's not professional. Umm, this is for me (The picture) yes? (Puts it in her pocket.)
RachelOk you're right. I'll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda!
ChandlerLet me see this guy. (Phoebe hands him the picture.) W-H-Wow! Don't show this to Monica! And don't tell her about the W-H-Wow! The Days of Our Lives producer's office, Joey is entering to find Terry there. TerryHey-hey-hey Joey!
JoeyHey Terry!
TerryNice to see you again!
JoeyIt's been a while, huh? Wow, it's funny these halls look smaller then they used to.
TerryIt's a different building.
JoeySo! Stryker Remoray huh? When do you want me to start?
TerryWhy don't we start right now!
TerryHere are the audition scenes. (Holds out the script.)
Joey(looking between the pages and him) Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part.
TerryWhy would you think that?
JoeyWell, I was Dr. Drake Remoray, Stryker's twin brother. I mean, who looks more like me than me right?
TerryEverybody has to audition.
JoeyYou know Terry, I-I don't really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series, (Pause) with a robot.
TerryI'm sorry Joey that's... that's the way it is.
JoeyWell. I guess you think you're pretty special huh? Sitting up here in your fancy small hall building. Making stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? Well you know what? (Throws the script away) This is one star whose hoop... This is a star that the hoop-this hoop- I was Dr. Drake Remoray! Rachel's office, she's there as Tag knocks on the door and enters carrying a plant. RachelHi! Tag. What're you doing here?
TagI just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there aren't any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you your first... (Notices her plant) There is a plant in your office.
TagAnd that was there yesterday, wasn't it?
RachelYeah, I got this the same time I got that one (pointing to another plant already in her office.)
TagRight. So I guess I shouldn't put good at noticing stuff on my résumé. (Sets the plant down on her desk.)
RachelOh-ohh, thank you.
TagAnyway, I'm guessing you hired somebody.
TagGotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me. (Starts to leave.)
RachelBut I hired you!
RachelYeah! You-you got the job! You're my new assistant!
TagI am?!
TagOh, I can't believe it!
RachelMe either.
TagRachel, thank you so much!
RachelOhhh, big hug...
Tag(suprised) Really? (about to hug her)
Rachel(with an expression saying "oops!" ) No, handshake. (they shake hands) Wow, ok, let's get started. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do, is go downstairs and find a woman named Hilda and tell her to go home. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is setting the table for dinner as Chandler enters. ChandlerHey.
MonicaHey! Good, you're home!
ChandlerOh it's always nicer to hear, than "Aw crap! You again!"
MonicaHey, sweetie. (Kisses him.)
MonicaI made you a surprise.
ChandlerOh yeah?
MonicaYeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story I've had such a craving for them.
ChandlerDid you not understand the story?
Ross(entering) Hey!
ChandlerHey! What's up?
RossUh, nothing much. Just trying to figure out what I'm gonna do for dinner.
Ross(notices the table) Hey-Ooh! What's-what's that, dinner stuff? You-you making dinner?
ChandlerNo! (The oven dings.) Shhh!
RossWhat you got over there? Tacos?
MonicaNo! No. They're umm... They're just uh...ground beef smileys. (Holding up one of the shells.)
RossUhh, those are tacos.
MonicaExcuse me, Mr. Mexico.
RossEh, either way I'll pass. (Quietly to Chandler) I still can't eat those. (Monica is getting something out of the fridge and starts laughing.) What's so funny?!
Monica(trying not to laugh) I'm not laughing.
(Ross and Chandler move closer to her and she starts laughing again.)
Ross(To Chandler) You told her!
ChandlerNancy Thompson's getting fired! (Monica slaps him on the shoulder.)
Ross(To Monica) Look, ok, ok, I had food poisoning! It's not like I chose to do it! It's not like-It's not like I said, "Umm, what would make this ride more fun?!"
MonicaYou're right, you're right. I'm sorry. Yeah, I shouldn't be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you! (Runs off laughing which gets Chandler laughing.)
Ross(To Chandler) How could you tell her?!
ChandlerI had to, ok?! We're getting married! Married couples can't keep secrets from one another!
RossOh really? Well I-I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Monica(running up to Ross) What happened in Atlantic City?!
RossWell, Chandler and I are in a bar...
ChandlerDid you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!"
RossAnd this girl is making eyes at Chandler, ok? So after a while he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking, Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you're right, Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with...girls.
Monica(To Chandler) You kissed a guy?! Oh my God.
ChandlerIn my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
RossOh Mon, I laughed so hard...
ChandlerHo-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
RossWhatever dude, you kissed a guy. Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is giving Joey a massage. PhoebeJoey.
PhoebeDo you think your favorite animal says a lot about you?
JoeyNo, 'cause goats can't talk!
[Rachel enters]
PhoebeHey. Ooh, how's Hilda? She working on?
RachelOhh, my new assistant is working out, yes.
JoeyWas she happy you gave her the job?
RachelOh, my-my new assistant was very happy that I hired my new assistant.
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey(on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh hey! Can you, can you hang on a second? (To Phoebe and Rachel) It's the producers over at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. if you excuse me for a minute? (On phone) Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next week's script. (Listens) Canceled?! (Listens) Like they're taking it off the air? (Listens) Ohh. (Listens) All right, I'll see you Monday. (Listens) We're not even shooting them anymore?! (Listens) All right, bye! (Hangs up) They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E!
RachelOh, Joey, sorry.
PhoebeSorry, Joey.
JoeyWhy would they do that?! It was a good show right?!
(Phoebe and Rachel both pause, look at each other, and go press their breasts against him. Which Joey doesn't mind, of course.) Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are still giving away all of their secrets. ChandlerYou wanna tell secrets?! Ok! Ok! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
RossAll right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice lookalike contest and won!
ChandlerRoss came in forth and cried!
RossHey, I welled up!
MonicaOh my God! (Laughing)
RossOh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well, maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too!
MonicaI-I already told him everything! (Threateningly) You shush!!
RossOnce Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she'd made.
MonicaRoss used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!
RossMonica couldn't tell time 'til she was 13!
MonicaIt's hard for some people!
Chandler(To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths to Ross) Wow-whoa!
MonicaChandler one time wore my underwear to work!
MonicaOhh, I'm sorry I couldn't think of anymore for Ross!
RossOhh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
ChandlerThat was you!
RossWhatever, dude, you kissed a guy. Joey and Rachel's, Joey is still bumming about cancellation of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey(talking to Phoebe and Rachel who are in the kitchen) I can't believe this! (heading towards the barcalounger). Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E was a great show! How about that scene where Mac teaches C.H.E.E.S.E how to yodel?
PhoebeOh, yeah, I actually liked that part. (Sarcastically laughs.)
JoeyHow could this happen to me?! Yesterday, I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothing!
RachelWell wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives?
JoeyUh, well they might be a little mad at me over there.
PhoebeWhat happened?
JoeyWell maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go.
RachelJoey, why would you do that?
JoeyBecause they wanted me to audition!
PhoebeYou! An actor?! That's madness! Rachel's Outer Office, Tag is sitting at his desk as Rachel walks up. She stops and watches him pick up the phone. TagRachel Green's office. (Hangs up.)
RachelTag? (He turns and looks at her.) Hi, who was that?
Tag(shyly) Nobody. I was just practicing.
RachelReally? (Giggles.)
(Phoebe rounds the corner.)
TagHi! Rachel Green's office.
PhoebeYou must be Hilda.
RachelYeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a second? (Goes into office.)
TagPhoebe! That's a great name.
PhoebeOh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.
Rachel(grabbing Phoebe) Ok. We'll be right back. (They go into her office and she closes the door.)
PhoebeSo you hired yourself a little treat did ya?
RachelAll right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but I'm telling you...
PhoebeBut-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant.
RachelYes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that I've ever done. But I'm telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. (There's a knock on the door.) Yes?
(Kathy enters (Because she's listed in the credits).)
KathyHey Rachel!
KathyCute assistant! What's his story? Is he...
RachelGay? Yeah. (Kathy leaves dejectedly.) Terry's office, Joey has come to beg for a second chance. JoeyHey! Terry.
TerryJoey Tribbiani! I'm surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! (Gets up) I gotta go Joey.
JoeyWait! Terry! Look-wait-uh- I-I... Look, I'm really sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking I'm too big to audition for you. You gotta give me another chance.
TerryI can't help you Joey.
JoeyWait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Ok? You have no idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old time's sake.
[Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading his chart.]
Nurse #1This poor guy's been in a coma for five years. It's hopeless.
Nurse #2It's not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Remoray's a miracle worker. Look, here he comes.
(Stryker enters, only it's not Joey playing him.)
Dr. Stryker RemorayGood morning. (He walks over to the bed, leans down, and whispers to him.) Drake, it's your brother Stryker. Can you hear me?
The DirectorAnd cut!
Joey(jumping up and removing the bandages) I'm back baby! Ha-ha-ha! Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are sitting there and not talking to each other. MonicaYou know, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue.
RossAnd in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!
Chandler(To Monica) You have no trouble telling time now, right?
ChandlerQuick! What time is it?! (Holds his watch in front of her face.)
MonicaI don't know! Time to kiss a guy maybe?! (Ross laughs.) What are you laughing at, Pampers? (He stops laughing and glares at her.)
ChandlerYou know when I said that because we're getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?
ChandlerYeah, that was stupid. Let's not do that.
MonicaOhh, absolutely.
RossI'm-I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm on board.
Chandler(To Ross) Thank you..(To Monica) And thank you. (Kisses Monica)
RossAnd! We should keep all the stuff uh, we told each other secret from everybody else.
MonicaYeah, definitely!
RossOk, (gets up) if you'll excuse me, I-I'm gonna go hang out with some people who don't know the Space Mountain story.
MonicaThen, I'd steer clear of Phoebe.
RossMan! (Monica mouths, "I'm sorry.")
ChandlerYeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn't hang out with...all the guys in my office.
(Ross storms out.) Rachel's office, she's looking at a picture of Tag when he knocks and enters. Rachel(noticing him) Hi! (Puts the pictures away.)
TagDo you have a minute?
RachelWell yeah, sure, what's up?
TagI got asked out twice today when I was at lunch... by guys.
RachelOh, really?!
TagYeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay?
RachelOh, did you not want people to know that?
TagI'm not gay. And I especially wouldn't want you to think I was gay.
RachelWhy's that?
TagI don't think I should say.
RachelOhh, you can say. Come on, I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me things. (Motions for him to sit down.)
TagI'd love to ask out your friend Phoebe.
Rachel(Pause) Yeah, she's gay.

Written by Brian Boyle; Directed by David Schwimmer; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by George Nanakis; Annotated by ncp