A Restaurant, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are having brunch. MonicaOk, the reason why I asked you guys out to brunch today is because I've been doing some thinking about who should be my maid of honor.
RachelOh my God! This is it! (She and Phoebe hold hands.) (To Phoebe) I really hope it's you!
PhoebeI hope it's you.
RachelMe too!
MonicaFirst of all, um, I love you both so much and you're both so important to me...
RachelOk, blah-blah-blah-blah! Who is it?!
MonicaWell umm, I was thinking that maybe we can come up with a system where we trade off being maid of honor for each other. Like hypothetically, if Phoebe were mine...
PhoebeYes! Oh!
MonicaIf Phoebe were my maid of honor...
MonicaRachel would be Phoebe's, I would be Rachel's, that way we all get to do it once and no one would get upset.
RachelYeah that's actually a pretty good idea.
PhoebeYeah, I'll do that. So who gets to be yours?
Monica(laughs) Well that's the best part. Umm, you guys get to decide!
PhoebeWh-why is that the best part?
MonicaBecause then I don't have to!
RachelWell of course we will help you decide! We will do anything we can to help you! Ok, I would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs. Chandler Bing (A woman at the table behind them overhears Chandler's name and starts listening closer), my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people that...
Monica(Interrupts) Really not deciding!
(The woman gets up and walks over to their table.)
WomanExcuse me, I-I couldn't help overhearing, you're marrying Chandler Bing?
MonicaYeah that's right.
Woman(sarcastically) Huh, good luck!
PhoebeAww, and good luck to you too! (To Monica and Rachel) What a nice lady! Ross's apartment, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are finishing watching Die Hard on video. ChandlerDie Hard, still great!
JoeyYeah. Hey, what do you say we make it a double feature?
ChandlerWhat else'd you rent?
JoeyDie Hard 2.
Chandler(looking at the tape) Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again.
JoeyOh, well we watch it a second time and it's Die Hard 2!
RossJoey, we just saw it!
RossAnd it'll be cool to see it again! Yeah!
Joey and RossDie Hard!!!
RossDude, you didn't say Die Hard. Is everything ok?
ChandlerYeah, I just got uh, I got plans.
RossWell, John McLane had plans!
ChandlerNow, you see the thing is I wanna get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.
JoeyWhat're you talking about? Bitch. Central Perk, Phoebe is bringing Rachel some coffee. PhoebeHey Rachel?
PhoebeUmm, when I get married, will you be my maid of honor?
RachelOh my God Phoebe! I mean I'm just- Wait a minute. If I'm your maid of honor that means you are Monica's.
PhoebeOh! Well, if that's what you want...
RachelOhh! No way Phoebe! I wanna be Monica's!
PhoebeBut why does it even matter?!
RachelWhy does it matter so much to you?!
PhoebeBecause this one is now! And-and it's two of our best friends! Who knows what you're gonna marry!
RachelWhat-what if I marry Ross- Or Joey?
Phoebe(gasps) You wouldn't! Ok look, Rachel, I know you really wanna do this, but I-I've never been maid of honor to anyone before! And I know you've done it at least twice!
RachelYeah but Phoebe...
PhoebeAnd no, oh please, oh please let me finish. (Rachel stops talking.) Oh I guess that was it.
RachelOk. Ok. It's- since you've never done it before you can be Monica's made of honor.
PhoebeOh, thank you so much! (They hug.) Yay.
RachelI'm gonna marry someone good you know.
PhoebeOh I know.
RachelBetter than Chandler. (Phoebe exhales as if to say, "Like what isn't?") Ross's apartment, Die Hard has ended, only I don't think Joey and Ross know that yet. As you see, they are both asleep. And they're on the same couch. Which means they're sleeping together. Not like Joey is at one end and Ross is on the other, they both happen to be lying down and sleeping together. Well, there hasn't been any clothes removed so not that kind of sleeping together. Not that there's anything wrong with that. That is unless you're a Republican in which that kind of thing will bring about the downfall of Western society, especially if they should happen to want to get married. Anyway, let me recap. No, there is too much, let me sum up. Ross and Joey are taking a nap together on top of each other and both wake-up at the same time, realize what they just did, scream, and jump up. RossWhat happened?!
JoeyWell, I don't know!
(They both check their belts.)
RossWe fell asleep! That is all.
JoeyYeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right, well uh, I'd better go.
RossYeah, I think that would be best.
JoeyYeah. All right, I'll talk to you later.
RossOk. But not about this!
JoeyNo! Never! Never! (Pause, then Joey wants to shake Ross's hand.) Bye.
RossNo touch! No touch!
(They look at each other and say....)
Joey and RossDie hard! Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is watching a movie on TV, The Bikini Car wash Company to be somewhat exact. Naked woman on TVOpening a topless car wash was a great idea. We definitely have enough money to open up our bikini shop. (Chandler laughs)
(As Monica enters, Chandler quickly changes the channel to a cooking show)
Chef on TVNow, we mince the shallot like this...
Chandler(To Monica) Look honey, the nice people are chopping shallots.
MonicaUh maybe if they chop enough of them they can open up that bikini shop! Hey, you know, a weird thing happened today whey I was at brunch. This woman overheard that I was marrying you and-and she, she wished me good luck.
ChandlerThat's sweet.
MonicaNo, it was more like a (sarcastically) good luck.
ChandlerWell do you think she meant good luck taming that wild stallion?
MonicaNot judging you... a little gay!
ChandlerSo uh, what did this woman look like?
MonicaShe was like 30, dark hair, attractive.
ChandlerWell, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?
MonicaCome on, was it somebody maybe you dated in college?
ChandlerNo, no I only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not attractive... (Thinks a little while.) Hold on one sec; let me check this out. (He gets up and grabs a photo album.
MonicaWhat're you doing?
ChandlerWell, let's see... (Finding the picture he wants.) Ok, uh, is that her? (Pointing to the picture.)
MonicaOh my God yes! Who is she?
ChandlerJulie Grath, my camp girlfriend.
MonicaDid you break up with her?
Chandler(pause) No, we're still together. No, yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her.
ChandlerWell, 'cause she came back the third summer and she'd gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow...
ChandlerI did not say fat! I said, "Fa-aa-aw-ow..."
MonicaYou broke up with a girl because she was fat?!
ChandlerYeah. Yeah, but it was a really, really long time ago! Does she still feel bad?
MonicaWell, apparently she does.
ChandlerWell, you know what they say, elephants never forget. (Monica is not amused by that statement.) Seriously, good luck marrying me. Joey and Rachel's. Phoebe (enters)Hey, Rach, you wanna come with me Friday night? I'm gonna check out some male strippers.
RachelOhh. For the uh bachelorette party?
Phoebe(pauses) Yes.
(Joey enters)
JoeyHey! What's going on?
RachelPhoebe, is gonna be Monica's maid of honor!
JoeyHey! Well I hope it goes better than the last time you did it for that girl downstairs, remember? (Phoebe glares at him.)
Rachel(shocked) You have been maid of honor before?!
PhoebeSee? This is exactly why you shouldn't lie!
RachelAll right that's it! I am maid of honor!
PhoebeNa-uh, I am!
RachelHow come you are?!
PhoebeBecause I cared enough to lie!
JoeyHey-hey-hey-hey, I can help you decide who should do it! Yeah, we could have like uh, like an audition and see how you'd handle maid of honor type situations.
PhoebeWhat're you talking about?
JoeyLike when I want a job, right? I go to an audition and if I'm the best of the people they see, I get the part, you know? Then they send you a script, then you go to the set, and you rehearse, and you have wardobe fittings and then you shoot your part. And it's great! But right after that, you are back out on the street, look for work again. Right back where you started! So, I gotta say, I really don't think a career in acting is the right choice for you two!
(Rachel and Phoebe are completely lost as to what Joey said.. a pause comes in)
RachelJoey... maid-of-honor thing.
PhoebeSo... Ok, so after this audition, who decides who gets it?
JoeyOh uh, me and Ross can be the judges.
Phoebe(To Rachel) Well, it's better than us deciding.
RachelOh, come on! This is crazy! Can't we just flip a coin?!
PhoebeNo! Coins hate me!
RachelOk fine, you know what? We will let Ross and Joey decide. (Ross enters.) (In a sexy voice.) Hiiiii, Ross, wweetie.
PhoebeHey there, you handsome thing. (Rachel and Phoebe exit.)
RossWow, this cologne really is every bit as good as Giorgio.
RossJust uh, brought back your videos.
JoeyUh hey Ross look uh, I think we need to talk about before.
RossNo! No we don't!
JoeyYes we do! Now look, that was the best nap I ever had!
RossI... I don't know what you are talking about.
JoeyCome on! Admit it! That was the best nap you ever had!
RossI've had better.
JoeyOk! When?!
RossAll right! All right! It was the best nap ever!
RossI said it! Ok?! But it's over, Joey!
JoeyI wanna do it again.
RossWe can't do it again.
JoeyWhy not?
RossBecause it's weird!
JoeyFine! You want something to drink?
RossSure, what do you got?
JoeyWarm milk and Excedrin PM (Ross just leaves.) Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is approaching the bathroom door behind which Chandler is using the facility. MonicaChandler! (Knocks on the door.) Chandler! I just figured out who you are!
ChandlerCan you figure out what I'm doing?
MonicaYou're Lewis Posin.
MonicaLewis Posin! He was my best friend in fifth grade, and-and then one day I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no. Do you know why?
ChandlerBecause you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to the bathroom?!
MonicaNo! But because he thought I was to faaaaa.... (Chandler emerges, without flushing by the way.) And every time I think about it, it makes me feel as bad as I did in fifth grade! You know, I-I really think that you should apologize to Julie.
ChandlerHoney, are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago.
MonicaI know. But you know what? It would make me feel better if Lewis apologized to me.
ChandlerOk, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you fell in love with!
MonicaI can live with that.
ChandlerOk. So uh, how do we find her?
MonicaI don't know. She probably lives in the city. She was eating in that restaurant.
ChandlerI'll bet she was! (laughs then Monica just looks at him and he suddenly stops laughing) What is wrong with me? Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are laying out the ground rules for the maid of honor auditions to Rachel and Phoebe. JoeyAll right, this is how it's gonna work. We're gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest.
RossNo, 10 is the highest.
JoeyWhy is 10 the highest?
RossBecause it's the highest. (Joey shrugs his shoulders) Ok, Rachel you're up first. (Rachel stands up and gets ready.) Situation No. 1: You're with Monica, the wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet. Go! (Joey is playing the part of Monica.)
Joey(crying) I don't wanna marry Chandler!
RachelOk, uh...
JoeyI've got cold feet.
Rachel...it's gonna be ok!
JoeyNo, one man, the rest of my life? I don't know if I can do it! This means I'll never get to sleep with Joey!
RachelLook, Monica, getting cold feet is very common. You know, it's-it's just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember, that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You don't get to keep the gifts.
Joey(out of his Monica character) Very good! Drawing on your own experience, I like that!
RossYes, very nice, Rachel.
RachelThank you, judges.
PhoebeUgh, kiss-ass.
JoeyOk, Phoebe...
PhoebeYes! Your honor?
JoeyWe're now in the ceremony, Monica is about to say "I do" when her drunk uncle starts yelling. What do you do? Go!
Ross(playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I remember that- (Phoebe screams and tackles him) Ooh! Ow! Very good!
JoeyYes! Excellent! Perfect score!
RachelWait a minute! She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony!
PhoebeHey! You want a little taste of Pheebs?!
JoeyLadies, please, please! Ok, the next situation is for Rachel. The wedding is about to start. You walk into the back room and you find Monica taking a nap with Ross. (Ross lays down on the floor) I'll be Monica. Go!
(Joey quickly lays next to Ross but gets a little too comfortable and close for Ross' taste.)
RossNo no no! This situation is not sanctioned! Now we are moving on to the next one. Ok, it is time for you to give your maid of honor speech.
RachelOhh, wait a minute, we haven't even prepared that...
RachelOk! Ok! Ok! Umm, Webster's Dictionary defines marriage as... (Ross and Joey start writing.) Ok! Forget that! Forget that! That sucks! Ok, never mind! Forget it! Umm, umm, ok, uh... I-I met Monica, I met Monica when we were just a couple of six-year-olds and I became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a six-year-old.
Ross and JoeyOh! That was-
RachelThank you. Thank you very much. Umm, I've known them separately and I've known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass (Grabs a glass and holds it up) to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can't think of no two people better prepared for the journey.
JoeyWow. (To Ross) Good speech.
RossYeah, it really was!
RachelAw, thanks!
RossOk Phoebe, I guess you're next (To Joey) although I really don't see the point.
PhoebeOk, I can't believe that Monica and Chandler are getting married. I remember talking about this day with Rachel while we were showering together, naked. (Raises her glass and drinks.)
(Joey and Ross pause while they picture the event.)
JoeyAnd she's back in the game. A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the door of the woman from the beginning. Chandler(she opens the door) Julie, hi! Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember me.
JulieHello Skid mark.
Chandler(To Monica) It's a nickname, I'll explain later.
MonicaIt's pretty clear.
ChandlerAh, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should've broken up with you because you were overweight.
JulieThat's why you broke up with me?
ChandlerYou-you-you didn't know that. (Pause as she nods no.) Well, I guess my work here is done! Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for the results from Joey and Ross. Phoebe(to Ross and Joey) Can I get you guys something to drink while you tabulate?
RossNo, actually the final vote has been tallied.
JoeyI'll take a cocoa.
PhoebeOh too late!
JoeyWell first of all I would like to say that you both performed very well. Ok? You should be proud of yourselves. And-and I'd also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. Well, except Rachel- Damn it!
PhoebeReally?! I won!
RossI'm sorry Rach, it was, it was really close.
RachelWell then I demand a recount! (Hmm, I wonder where I've heard that before.)
RossActually, it wasn't that close.
RachelNo! You know what? No! No! Your thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculous- We're gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?! (She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.)
PhoebeThe coins have finally forgiven me!
RachelWell, you know what? I hope Monica forgives you after you throw her, her vegetarian, voodoo, goddess circley shower! (Runs out.)
Phoebe(running after her) Rach, it's gonna be ok! (To Ross and Joey) You guys are, the best!
JoeyBoy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me.
JoeyYeah! Thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch. (Raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he wants to join him.)
RossWhy-why would I care about that?
JoeyNo reason, I'm just saying that uh... That's where I'll be.
(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.) Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica have returned from Julie's. ChandlerAs bad as that went I actually enjoyed myself. I think that I'm gonna apologize for all of the stupid things that I do.
MonicaWhy don't you just stop doing stupid things? Then you wouldn't have to apologize.
ChandlerI would really love it if could do both.
MonicaAll right, I have to ask.
MonicaAre you gonna break up with me if I get fat again?
MonicaWell, you broke up with Julie Grath! How much weight could she've gained?
ChandlerA hundred and forty-five pounds.
MonicaIn one year?! My God what did she eat? Her-her family! And that's not the point.
ChandlerLook I know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but I was 15!
MonicaWell... That's not the only time this was an issue. You remember when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat.
ChandlerOk. Ok, now wait a minute that was totally different.
ChandlerYou were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you back!
MonicaWhat if I have babies, ok? I mean I'm gonna look different. I'm ok with that, but I'm not sure that you are!
ChandlerLook you have to realize I don't think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is you're Monica! Ok? And I am in love with Monica.
MonicaKeep going.
ChandlerSo you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love you.
MonicaEven if I shrink down to two inches tall?
ChandlerI'd carry you around in my pocket.
MonicaI love you. (They hug and kiss.)
ChandlerSkid Mark still got a way with the ladies. Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a shopping bag. RachelHi Pheebs.
RachelHi! I just wanna apologize. I'm really sorry I was a baby.
PhoebeThat's ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once. (Rachel looks at her.) Oh, you mean today.
RachelYeah. Yeah, and you know you-you deserve to win. And-and you know I was thinking about it, if-if you're Monica's maid of honor that means I get to be yours.
PhoebeOh yeah!
RachelYeah! Oh, umm when-when Monica and Chandler got engaged I started putting some stuff together, you know just in case...
PhoebeOh that's so sweet, thanks.
RachelHere is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And uh, ohh God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. (Shows Phoebe the picture.) And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Oh and here's a little purse that I found. (Hands her the purse) You know I just thought they could maybe, hold the rings in there.
RachelSo umm- And umm, vintage handkerchiefs you know 'cause, people cry at weddings. (Starting to cry.) I'm just gonna grab a couple of these.
PhoebeThis stuff is great!
RachelOh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monica's something borrowed and it's blue. (Starts to cry again.) Yeah...
PhoebeYou know Rach, I think that, I think you should be Monica's made of honor.
RachelYou do? Why?
Phoebe'Cause I think it means more to you.
RachelBut Pheebs, you know you earned it.
PhoebeIt's fine. I mean, this is something that you've been thinking about since you were what, 14? (She's referring to the Halloween picture.)
RachelNo, I was ten. I just developed early.
Phoebe(looking at the picture again) Man alive!
Monica(entering) Hey, what's going on?
PhoebeWell, we just decided that Rachel is going to be your maid of honor.
Monica(gasps) Ohh, wow! That's great! (Rachel and Monica hug.) Oh, wow! Ok, we really have to start planning! I've-I've a lot of really specific ideas! We should probably get together like four times a week. You can come over to my place; we'll get together before work! What do you say, 6:30, my place? So excited! (Runs out leaving Rachel completely stunned and Phoebe laughing.)
RachelYeah ok, you laugh now, she's gonna be yours. (Phoebe gets suddenly scared.) Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time. JoeyGreat nap.
RossIt really was.
(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)
Joey(reacting first by jumping up) Dude! What the hell are you doing?! God! (Heads for his room leaving Ross.)
Ross(slowly stands up and says quietly) Excuse me. (Exits.)

Written by Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added text by George Nanakis, Minor adjustments by Matthew G.; Annotated by ncp