Joey and Rachel's, Joey is eating breakfast as Rachel enters having just woken up. JoeyMorning!
RachelHi! Oh, how was your date last night?
JoeyPretty good.
RachelOh good. (She walks to the closed bathroom door, opens it, and finds a naked woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God, sorry! (She closes the door and confronts Joey.)
JoeyOk, really good. Anyway I gotta go; I'm late for work.
RachelWhat- what?! You're gonna leave this person with me?!
JoeyYeah- Hey, don't worry, she's a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that I'm not looking for a serious relationship; that'd be great.
RachelWhy?! What?! Are you kidding?!
JoeyJust casually slip it in, you know lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, I'm a loner- No! An outlaw! She doesn't wanna get mixed up with the likes of me.
RachelYou, you know what? That's a lot to remember, can't I just tell her that you're a pig?
JoeyHey, I'm gonna call her later myself. Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! He'd even make the girl pancakes! Plus, he'd make extras and leave 'em for me.
RachelWell forget it, I'm not telling that girl anything. That is not my responsibility.
JoeyFine! (Pause) Now, where'd we land on those pancakes? (She chases him out the door as his date emerges from the bathroom.)
Joey's DateHi!
RachelHi.
Joey's DateSorry about that, but I couldn't get that lock to work on the door.
RachelYeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in.
Joey's DateYou must be Rachel, I'm Erin.
RachelHi.
ErinHi. I don't mean this- sound like high school, but, did he say anything about me?
Rachel(pause) Would you like some pancakes? N.Y.U's University Library, Ross is entering with Chandler. ChandlerCome on! Why are we here?!
RossOk, ok take a guess.
(An old woman pushes a cart full of books past.)
ChandlerThe hot chicks?
RossOk, ok, I was uh typing names into the library computer earlier, you know- you know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! It's here! Yeah, right- it's right down here! In the biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded section behind the racks.)
ChandlerWow that's actually pretty cool.
Ross(stopping quickly) Oh umm, there's also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. (They both laugh, but stop when the hear moaning coming from the next aisle.) What is that?
ChandlerSounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system.
(They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, let's just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the couple gets up and runs away.)
Female Student(as they are moving past Ross) I'm so sorry!
Male StudentSorry!
ChandlerYou didn't bring me here to do that, did you? Monica's Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is cooking as a waitress enters carrying a plate of food that has been sent back. MonicaShe sent the chicken back again?
The WaitressShe says it's too dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.
MonicaWell fine! I'd like to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in!
(The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water (Although, she hasn't taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she can't be that good of a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the following phrase.)
The ColonelOH...MY...GAWD!(Yep, it's Janice.)
Monica(to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws the lobster in and turns around to face the planet's most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of course. She's the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice.
JaniceHow are you Ms. Hotshot chef with the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever! (Does the laugh.)
MonicaI'm fine.
Janice(notices Monica's engagement ring) Ohh! What is that on your finger?! I'm blind!
MonicaOh... Uh...
JaniceUh, somebody's been doing a little cooking outside the restaurant. (laughs again but funnier) So, who's the lucky guy?
Monica(laughs) Um funny story. (Moves a kinfe away from Janice.) Uh- Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and someone else with her back turned is there. JoeyHey! What's up?
Phoebe and RachelHey!
JoeyWow, hey, who's your friend? (Erin turns around to face Joey, startling him) Hey!!
ErinHey Joey!
JoeyErin! You're still here!
RachelYeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!
JoeyWhy wouldn't ya? Erin is great! Then-then there's you guys.
ErinWell, listen. I'd better get going. Today was great, thanks!
RachelI know!
PhoebeOk!
ErinBye Joey. (Kisses him.) Last night was fun.
JoeyYeah. I'll uh, I'll call ya.
RachelOh and I'll call you too!
ErinOr, I'll call you!
PhoebeAnd call me!
ErinOk.
Joey(to Erin) Ok, ok look at that we're all gonna call each other. (laughs) Ok, good to see you again.
ErinBye.
JoeyBye-bye.
RachelBye!
(Joey closes the door behind her.)
JoeySo, system kinda broke down huh?!
RachelOh Joey, I'm sorry I just couldn't tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And you know we got to talking and I...
PhoebeWe want you to marry her!
JoeyWhat?!
PhoebeShe is so amazing! You have no idea.
JoeyNo idea? Who do you think brought her here?
RachelCupid.
PhoebeJoey, she's so cool. She speaks four languages.
JoeyMan, do you know what guys want!
RachelNo. Joey, come on, she's so perfect for you! I mean she's sweet, she- she likes baseball, and she- she had two beers at lunch.
JoeyMy beers?! Look, you guys, she's a very nice girl. Ok? We had a good time, but I just- I don't see it going anywhere.
PhoebeYeah but you always say that.
RachelYeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere.
JoeyLook I'm sorry you guys, I- I just don't think so.
PhoebeWhatever.
RachelFine. (They start to walk away.)
JoeyHey, don't start judging me! (To Rachel) Huh? You're the one who's in love with her assistant! (To Phoebe) Huh? And you, you're the one having an affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof!
RachelPhoebe!
PhoebeSecret affair!
JoeyWhat did I say? Cut to Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is putting the plates on the table as Monica enters. MonicaHey! (closes the door after her)
ChandlerHi cutie cutie!
MonicaSo uhhh, I-I ran into someone you know, today at work.
ChandlerOh yeah? Who was it?
(Monica does Janice's laugh)
ChandlerOH...MY...GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you ok? You didn't tell her we were getting married, did you?
MonicaWell, she saw the ring.
ChandlerDid she freak out?
MonicaWell, she was shocked when I told her, but then again, so were most people.
ChandlerRight.
MonicaWell, she actually has a boyfriend, you know herself, name's Clark. Uh, she also kind of invited herself to our wedding. Clark too.
Chandler(laughs) You said no, right?
MonicaHuh?
ChandlerYou said no, right?!
MonicaWell, she cornered me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what was I supposed to do?!
ChandlerLie! How hard is that?! The check's in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can't wait to read your book, Ross!
MonicaCome on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it won't be so bad.
ChandlerWhat do you think she's just gonna sit there quietly? You don't think she's gonna wanna make a toast? You don't think she's gonna wanna grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!
MonicaMy God, she's not gonna like the chicken that night either is she?!
ChandlerYou know what? It's gonna be ok. You know what? She's probably not gonna even wanna come.
MonicaReally?
ChandlerNo! That was a lie! See how easy that was?
MonicaSo- so you would've just lied?
ChandlerYes!
MonicaWould it really've been that easy?
ChandlerYes!
MonicaGood, so do it Saturday night 'cause we're going to dinner with her and Clark. Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there as Ross enters. Ross(very mad) Hi.
Rachel(smiling at him) What's wrong?
RossPeople are doing it in front of my book!
RachelI'm sorry?
RossMy doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students making babies right in the middle of the paleontology section!
RachelOh my God! Did you get to see anything good?
RossThat is not the point!
RachelI know that's not the point, I'm trying to make it the point!
RossLet me ask you something, at-at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around.
RachelYeah, there was. It was- there was in the corner of the library where-where all these dusty books that nobody ever read- Yes, there was.
RossGreat! 'Cause people kept showing up, I think it's like uh-a thing!
JoeyNow hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall?
RossOh for crying out loud! (He storms out.)
JoeyAll right, so, we should go catch our movie.
RachelWell now what's the rush?
JoeyI like to see the previews. (Rachel looks at him.) The candy.
Phoebe(entering with Erin) Oh. Hey!
RachelWell look who's here!
ErinHey!
JoeyHey!
ErinJoey.
JoeyErin.
ErinHey Rachel.
RachelHi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!
ErinWhat's wrong?
RachelOh, Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to.
PhoebeOh, no.
Joey(skeptical) What party?
Phoebe and RachelA birthday party.
JoeyOh. Whose birthday party?
Phoebe and RachelAllison's birthday party.
Joey(still skeptical) Oh, and how old is Allison?
Phoebe and Rachel32. (Joey's not buying it.)
Phoebe(to Erin) I feel so terrible just ditching you like this!
ErinNah, that's ok.
RachelWait a minute! Why don't you guys do something?!
Joey(still skeptical) Yeah, look how that worked out. (turns to Erin) But if you wanna, wanna catch a movie...
ErinYeah! Sure that'll be fun.
JoeyNice. So. (turns to Rachel and Phoebe, he looks mad) Guess I'll talk to you guys after Allison's party!
RachelYeah, that actually might go late.
JoeyYeah I'll wait up! The Library, Ross enters and heads to the desk to talk to the male librarian on duty. Ross'Scuse me. Hi, I'm a professor here. Do you know the paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437?
The LibrarianWell, yes! Uh, just give me five minutes, I, just have to find someone to cover my shift. {Apparently the librarian is gay.}
RossNo! No! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please? (The librarian brings his boss over.)
The Head LibrarianHow can I help you?
RossHi, I was wondering is it possible to increase security in the paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book, that's up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, they're rolling around in front of it.
The Head LibrarianWe are aware of the problem you are referring to. (He turns to look at the previous librarian.) But as far as increasing security, I'm afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I can't help you.
RossWell, fine. Fine! If-if I'm the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, then I'll go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And don't you follow me! Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are doing dishes as Joey enters. JoeyHey.
PhoebeHey!
RachelHow did it go with Erin?
JoeyOh, unbelievable! We had the best time!
PhoebeYay! Oh so, you're not, you're not mad at us anymore?
JoeyNo! No! No! You guys are totally right! This was so much better than the first time we went out. You know? That was so awkward, we were both really nervous.
PhoebeDidn't you sleep together?
JoeyYeah that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She-she loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if we're ever to have kids, well...
Rachel(gasps) Oh my God! Listen to you talking about having kids. Oh my Joey. (She goes over and hugs him.) Oh, please don't get married before I do.
JoeyOk. A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are on their date with Janice and Clark, however Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the Mississippi River about it. JaniceOh. Oh. Oh I just cannot believe that Clark stood me up!
MonicaHe may still show up.
JaniceOh, what're you, stupid? It's been three hours.
MonicaIs that all?
JaniceJust feel like such a fool you know I really, I thought this guy was my soulmate!
ChandlerBut I was your soulmate! (Monica glares at him) What am I doing?!
JaniceOh, You know, let's just, uhh let's forget about Clark. Let's just, go on to happier things, ok? Umm, why don't you tell about your lovely wedding?
ChandlerWell actually uh, there was something that we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it's going to be a, a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We're not even sure why we're having it.
MonicaIt's actually going to be just family.
JaniceOh... wait... you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red? Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing baseball with Erin. Phoebe and Rachel are already there. JoeyHow can you say that?! The Mets have no closer!
ErinWhat about Benitez?
JoeyWhat about Game 1 of the Series?
ErinWhat about shut up?
JoeyYou shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) I'll be right back.
ErinOk. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.)
Phoebe (to Erin)So, how's the second greatest love affair of the century?!
RachelWhat's- second, who's the first?
PhoebeMe and this muffin! My God it's delicious! (eats some more of her muffin)
Rachel(laughs at Phoebe, then turns to Erin) So how's it going with Joey?
ErinUh, ok.
RachelOk? Wait, ok, tell me, tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him.
ErinLook, he's a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just don't see this having a future.
RachelWhat! But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?!
ErinKinda.
PhoebeThen change it back!
ErinI'm sorry I... It's just there's no real spark.
PhoebeNo spark? Didn't you sleep together?
ErinYeah.
RachelUgh, tramp!
PhoebeDoes Joey have any idea?
ErinI really don't think he does. And you know what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in. You know, tell him I'm-I'm not interested in a serious relationship or something.
PhoebeYeah, you mean like that you're kind of a loner.
ErinYeah! That would be great!
PhoebeYeah, and maybe that you're a real (She says something in Italian, and it doesn't matter what she said. It's not important so I don't need everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she said.)
ErinI'm sorry?
PhoebeOh well, I guess Italian isn't one of the four languages you speak.
Joey(returning) Hey! You wanna go?
ErinYeah, let's go.
JoeyOk. See you guys later.
ErinBye guys.
RachelYeah, see ya.
Joey(whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.)
RachelWow. Well, I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here.
PhoebeNo, just a regular old flying dwarf. The library's Paleontology section, Ross is patrolling as a couple walks up. RossYes? Yes?! How can I help you?
GuyYeah, we were...we were just looking around.
RossOh-oh, you're- you're fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind him) perhaps Dr. Chester Stock's musings on the Smilodon californicus?
GuyUhh....
RossAh... Ah... Get out of here! (The couple retreats. Ross starts looking through the previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman walks into the section.) Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marion's views on evolution?
WomanUh, actually I find Marion's views far too progressionist.
RossI find Marion's views far too progressionist.
WomanI'm sorry, who are you?
RossI'm a professor here uh, Ross...Geller.
WomanRoss Geller, why do I know that name? It's uh- Wait! (Grabs his book off of the shelf.) Did you write this?
RossYes! You're the person who checked out my book?!
WomanYou know, you look nothing like I would've thought. You're... you're so young.
RossWell I uh, I skipped forth grade.
[Time Lapse, Ross and the woman are now in a state of partial undress and are standing in front of the head librarian with two security guards watching them.]
RossI am very... very sorry. Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are watching TV as Joey enters. JoeyHey!
PhoebeHey!
RachelHi!
PhoebeSo how was, how was your date?
JoeyOh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the Village. We went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still... And guess what, I'm thinking to take her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts.
PhoebeOh really? She said she wants to go away with you?
JoeyNo-no-no-no-no! It's a surprise, but it's gonna be tricky though, because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while.
Phoebe and RachelOh no, she said that?
JoeyYeah.
PhoebeUm Joey? But, don't you think maybe it's kinda quick for you to you know be going away together on a trip?
JoeyNot for me! Nah, I, I wanna spend as much time with her as I can!
RachelOk honey, Joey, we need to talk, ok? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, that she's not looking for a serious relationship.
JoeyWhere are you getting this?
RachelWell, she told me. She said she's kind of a loner.
JoeyOh. Oh.
RachelJoey...
JoeyNo hey Rach, it's cool. You know, I'm a loner too! (Heads for his room.) Right?
PhoebeHey Joey, you know what? You are way too good for her.
RachelYeah and honey I promise next time I will just say goodbye and tell 'em you're not looking for a relationship.
JoeyNo! No. Don't do that, just, next time make sure she really likes me.
RachelWell that too. (Joey goes into his room.) Joey?
JoeyYeah?
RachelYou want some pancakes?
Joey(coming back out) Finally! Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table and are still trying to decide what to do about Janice. MonicaWhat are we gonna do?
ChandlerI say we go with Careless Whisper.
(There's a knock on the door and Janice enters.)
JaniceChandler?
Chandler(To Monica) Did she see us yet? Did she see us?
MonicaJanice, what umm, what're you doing here?
JaniceWell umm, I thought I was gonna go back to my apartment but then I just felt I really couldn't be alone, tonight. (Joey walks into view of the open door behind Janice, sees her, gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in horror.) I was just wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel like I need to be with family.
Monica(To Chandler) Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice aren't they?
JanicePlease, it's 'cause otherwise I really don't know what I might do.
ChandlerAren't you just a teensy bit curious?
Janice(starting to cry) Do you have any tissues?
MonicaYeah, in the bathroom.
JaniceOk! (She runs for the bathroom)
MonicaWe'll just... let her stay!
ChandlerNo-no-no-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay, forever!
MonicaKinda like your Barcalounger.
ChandlerIs that what you're thinking about right now?
MonicaI never stop thinking about it.
ChandlerWhat are we going to do?!
MonicaNothing! We'll just have to let her stay!
ChandlerWe can't, we can't we gotta fight! We gotta (does funny gestures, the Chandler way) fight!
Monica(her voice getting weaker) Chandler... she has beaten me... (puts her right hand on his shoulder) I'm tired, Chandler... (puts her other hand on the other shoulder) So, very tired....
JaniceHey you guys, umm do either one of you wanna get in there before I take my bath?
ChandlerJanice, I'm sorry but umm, you can't stay here tonight.
JaniceWhy not?
ChandlerHonestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I've been immunized, but sadly you have not.
(And she does the laugh.)
JaniceOk, I'm going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. (Makes some weird sound) Do you have a cat? 'Cause it's already happening. (Makes a nasal sound) Do you hear that? (She keeps making the nasal sound.)
(Chandler does the same nasal sound to Monica.)
MonicaOh my God! Oh my God! You have to go!
JaniceWhy?
MonicaBecause Chandler still has feelings for you!
JaniceHe does?
ChandlerSay again?
MonicaThat's right. That's right. And that is why, you can't stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldn't come to the wedding.
ChandlerFeelings, such strong feelings.
MonicaI mean, I realize that his feelings may never completely go away, but you can.
JaniceOh... my Gawd, I-I understand. I-I'm so sorry, I'll go. (Starts for the door.) Goodbye Monica (hugs her), I wish you a lifetime of happiness with him. Chandler, (hugs him) you call me when this goes in the pooper. (Hurries out.) The library's Paleontology section, Ross is on patrol and spots a security guard through the stack of books. Ross(to the guard) Don't sweat it, I got this section covered. Yeah, in fact I got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in people's eye- (The guard walks away) Ok, see you later.
(Ross resumes his patrol when his best friend and sister walk up and start to take off their coats, but they stop when they see him.)
ChandlerI just wanted to show Monica your book. (Ross just glares at him.)

Written by Scott Silveri; Directed by David Schwimmer; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added text by Matt; Annotated by ncp