Central Park, Ross is teaching Ben how to ride a bike. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there also.
Ben(on the bike) I'm ready!
ChandlerOk, let me just straighten out your helmet there. (Does so.)
Ben(To Chandler) Thanks daddy.
RossNo-no, one daddy, two mommies. All right, it's all yours. (Ross pushes him off.)
ChandlerOk. Ok. There you go. There you go.
RossYes! Yes! Yes! (Everyone stands and claps.)
PhoebeBen's first big kid's bike, this is so exciting!
MonicaOh yeah, I remember mine! Ohh, it was my sixth birthday, my dad took me to the park, and I got on it, and...it bent.
PhoebeI never had a bike of my own.
PhoebeWell, we didn't have a lot of money. You know. But the girl across the street had the best bike! It was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels hanging off the handle grips, and-and-and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those plastic daisies stuck on.
ChandlerThat sounds like my first bike. (They all turn and look at him.) My dad gave me his old one.
MonicaDid the girl ever let you ride it?
PhoebeNo! But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front. (They're all speechless) So, I would sit on it and my stepdad would drag me around the backyard.
RossThat is so unfair!
PhoebeNot really, I got to drag him around too! (They all nod, "Oh.")
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is cooking, Joey is eating, and Chandler is entering from the bedroom.
ChandlerHey! What're you guys doing?
MonicaMaking holiday candy for the neighbors.
ChandlerI'm sorry, who?
MonicaI'm gonna hang this basket (Points to the one sitting on the table) on the door and when the neighbors walk by they can all take a piece.
ChandlerBut we don't know the neighbors.
JoeyI do. There's uh, let's see, Guy With a Mustache, Smokes-A-Lot Lady, Some Kids I've Seen, and A Red-haired Guy Who Does Not Like To Be Called Rusty.
MonicaOhhh, I know that guy. He also doesn't like it when you say "Back off, Howdy Doody, I'm engaged."
ChandlerYou get hit on by Fire Beard?
MonicaSee? This is exactly why I'm making this candy. We can learn their names and get to know our neighbors.
ChandlerWouldn't it be easier if we just, moved?
Rachel(entering, happily) Gooood morning!
ChandlerEh, somebody's in a good mood!
RachelWell, why shouldn't I be? I have great friends! I have a wonderful job!
MonicaWhere you can make out with your assistant.
RachelCome on, it's not a big deal! We stayed up all night coming up with a plan so that us dating will not be a problem.
MonicaOh yeah, what's the plan?
Rachel(pauses as she thinks and exhales loudly) We... We are not... going to let it... be a problem.
MonicaWow! It took you all night to come up with that plan?!
RachelOh well you know, we did other stuff too. (Joey and Chandler start to giggle.)
MonicaDid you two...
RachelOh Monica come on, you know I don't sleep with guys on the first date!
MonicaMatt Guire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wire...
Rachel's Office, she's at her desk while the mailman delivers her mail and calls Tag in.
RachelHi. Tag, I have a conference call today is that correct?
TagYes, at four.
RachelOk, thank you. That'll be all. (The mail guy leaves and Tag starts to follow, but Rachel stops him.) (Excitedly) Wait! Wait! (Rushes over and closes the office-door.) Did you see that? That mail guy had no idea there was something going on between us. (They kiss.)
TagI'd better get back to my desk.
RachelOk, you hard worker! I'll remember to put that in your evaluation.
RachelWell, you've been here for two months now and your boss is required to hand in a performance evaluation. But you know, there is one thing that I have yet to evaluate. (She turns around and sweeps the stuff off of her desk and hops up onto it.)
TagAre you serious?
RachelNo, I've just always wanted to do that. Can you help me clean this up?
The Hallway, Monica and Chandler are returning.
MonicaI'm so excited to see if anyone ate my candy.
MonicaYou don't have to do that!
Monica(sees the basket empty) The basket is totally empty! My God, the neighbors ate all the candy!
ChandlerWell, either that or uh... (Motions towards Joey's door.)
MonicaNo, not even Joey can eath that much.
ChandlerLittle refresher: popcorn shrimp night!
(She storms into his apartment to find him with a towel around his shoulders, a bowl on his head, and Phoebe with scissors in her hand.)
MonicaDid you eat all the neighbor candy?!
JoeyUh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the time I got to it there was only a couple of pieces left!
PhoebeYeah, and they've been coming by all day. They love it!
MonicaThey love my candy? Oh man! I've gotta go make more! (Starts to do so.)
JoeyHey Mon, you might wanna make some more lasagna too, because someone might've happened to have a huge chunk of it.
MonicaRoss! The neighbors ate all my candy!
RossMine stole my newspaper! It- It's like a crime wave! (Monica runs to make more candy.) Pheebs, you uh, you got a second?
RossYeah, ever since you uh, told me that story about that bike I-I couldn't stop thinking about it. I mean, everyone should have a-a first bike, you know, so...
(He goes out into the hall and re-enters with a bike exactly like the one Phoebe described earlier.)
Phoebe(gasps) Oh my God Ross!
RossYou like it?
PhoebeI love it!
PhoebeOhh! Ohh! God- And I love you!
PhoebeNot that way! But the bike got you a lot closer!
RossAh! (She hugs him.) Well uh-uh, take-take it downstairs, you know give it a, test ride.
PhoebeOk! Oh my God! My first bike! Thank you for the best present I've ever gotten.
Ross(stunned at the compliment) You're welcome.
Phoebe(starts to leave, but stops) Oh and Chandler's about to cry.
Chandler(about to cry) I'm not!
JoeyHey dude that's ok. It kind of uh..(sniffs) got to me a little too.
RossYeah I'm-I'm just so glad I can make her happy.
ChandlerThanks. I'm so glad I am not alone on this.
Joey and RossYeah you are!
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the middle of the night, there is someone knocking on the door and Monica and Chandler get up to answer it.
Monica(turning a light on) Who is that?!
ChandlerDon't worry, I'm brave! I am brave! I-I am brave! (They get to the door and Monica goes to open it.) No-no-no-no-no! (He stops her.) (Through the door.) Can you tell me who is there please?
The KnockerMy name is Gary, I live upstairs.
(Monica opens the door.)
MonicaHi. Do you know what time it is?
GaryIt's candy time! My roommate says that they taste like little drops of heaven.
MonicaOh please! (To Chandler) Did you hear that? Little drops of heaven.
Chandler(laughs) 4:00 A.M.
GarySo, can I get some candy?
ChandlerI am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work! (Monica looks at him) (To Monica) He does not know that I am not some of us. He can hear me can't he?
MonicaUmm, listen I am sorry, but I-I'll put some out first thing in the morning.
GaryWell ok, I'll swing by later. You live in this building?
Gary(looking at Monica.) Mm! Seems like I would've remembered you!
ChandlerMm! Night Gar'! (Monica closes the door.) Is there anybody in this building that does not hit on you?
MonicaSmokes A Lot Lady... oh wait that is not true.
Rachel's Office, she's slinking out to where Tag works and checks to make sure no one is coming.
Rachel(hugging him) So did you read your evaluation yet?
TagNo! It was marked confidential, I just sent it down to Human Resources.
Rachel(worried) Ok please, you're kidding right?! I wrote that one as a joke for you!
TagA joke they would appreciate?
RachelI'm thinking, no.
TagWhat did you say?!
RachelUmm, I said that I-I thought you were a good kisser, and uh, and that I like your teeny-tiny tushie.
TagNo, not my tushie.
RachelWell, it gets worse. When asked if you take initiative I wrote, "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision," and under Problems with Performance I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not," and then uh, then I drew a little smiley face, and then a small pornographic sketch.
Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Ross, and Chandler are watching Phoebe polish the daisies on her bike outside.
MonicaRoss! That is so sweet of you to get Phoebe that bike! When I heard the story, I almost cried.
JoeyAlmost cried huh? Hear that Chandler? Almost cried.
ChandlerHey, you cry every time somebody talks about Titanic!
Joey(about to cry) Those two had only each other!
RossPhoebe really likes the bike, huh?
MonicaOh, yeah! I saw her walking it down the street the other day. She had uh, these flowers in the basket. It was so cute.
JoeyYeah, I saw her this morning walking it by the park.
RossWait a minute, she was walking the bike? Both times?
[Cut to outside, they're going to talk to Phoebe about walking the bike.]
ChandlerHey! So are you enjoying the bike?
PhoebeOhh, uh-huh so much!
RossPheebs you uh... you do know how to ride a bike, don't you?
MonicaUmm, can we see you ride it?
PhoebeOk. (The gang giggles then Phoebe gets the bike out of the rack, gets on, pushes off, rolls a few feet, and falls over.) See?
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is making candy while Chandler and Rachel are taste testing and Joey is on the couch doodling.
MonicaSee, this is why I told you never get involved with your assistant! And there is no such thing as keeping secrets when it comes to having affairs. (To Chandler) Did you hear that Chandler? No such thing!
Chandler(with his mouth full) What happened? I'm just eating candy.
RachelMaybe it's not as bad as I think. You know, maybe they didn't take it the way I meant it.
ChandlerAbsolutely! You know, because tushie can mean both ass and good worker.
RachelUgh, I just gotta get the thing back!
JoeyThat sketch you mentioned? Might it've looked a little something like this? (He shows her what he's been drawing.)
RachelOh my God! Joey!
ChandlerWhat is the matter with you?
JoeyWhat- I tell you, this little talent came in handy before I could afford porn.
(There is a knock on the door and Monica answers it. There is a woman standing there.)
The WomanHi! I'm sorry, I know it's after hours but I really need candy.
MonicaI'm sorry, I can't help you. See? (Points to her new sign.) Rules are rules.
The WomanPlease! I have people coming from out of town today! And, I told them all about your candy!
MonicaNo kidding, out of towners huh? What did you tell 'em?
The WomanOh I told 'em your candy was, absolutely indescribable!
MonicaWell. Some people've been saying it's you know little drops of heaven, but whatever.
The WomanPlease, can't you help me out?
Joey(watching the discussion) Hey, Chandler, do we know that lady?
ChandlerMaybe, isn't she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud?
Monica(still talking to the woman) All right, I'll do it just this once! But you can't tell anybody!
The Woman(exasperatedly) Yes! Yes! Please, just give it to me!
Joey and ChandlerYeah, that's her.
The Woman(after Monica gives her the candy) Thank you.
Monica(closing the door) It's unbelievable! I-I can't believe that sign didn't work!
ChandlerYou know what would work?
ChandlerStop making candy!
MonicaBut they like it!
ChandlerYou mean they like you.
ChandlerIs that why you became a chef? So that people would like you?
MonicaOh, you really wanna talk about getting people to like you huh, funny man? (Joey laughs but stops when Chandler turns to glare at him.)
Central Park, Ross is teaching Phoebe how to ride her bike.
RossOk, now just remember everything I taught you, and you'll be fine. Ok? Here we go. Ready...Set...
Phoebe(hopping off the bike) Wait! This seat is really uncomfortable! Ok, maybe before we start we should just get another one. Perhaps, like an airplane seat-or a beanbag chair!
RossPhoebe, you can't get out of this! Ok? You have to learn how to ride a bike!
PhoebeWhy? Why do I have to learn?
RossWell... In-in case of an emergency.
PhoebeWhat kind of an emergency?
RossWell let there- what if a man comes along and puts a gun to your head and says, "You ride this bike or I'll sh... I'll shoot you."
PhoebeOk, I would ring the bell to distract him and then I would knock the gun out of his hand with a Chinese throwing star.
RossOk, Phoebe, just-just get-get on the bike and-Hey! I'll hold you up and-and push you. Ok?
PhoebeYou won't let go?
Phoebe(thinks it over) Ok.
RossCome on. (She gets on the bike.) All right? Here we go. All right? (They start.)
RossAll right. Feel good?
RossAll right, try pedaling.
PhoebeOk. (Does so.)
RossThat's it, you're doing great.
RossYou're doing great. Yes-yes-yes! Take control! Yes!
PhoebeWeee! (Ross pushes her and lets go.) Hey!
RossYes! Yes! (He starts clapping and Phoebe turns around to look at him and falls off the bike.)
PhoebeOh! Oh! Oh, no! You swore!
RossI-I just thought you were doing so well. I...
PhoebeI am shocked! Shocked! (She storms off leaving Ross to defend himself from the angry looks from onlookers.)
RossIt's a legitimate learning technique. (Looking around and seeing the woman behind him glaring at him.) Wow!
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is making candy like mad as Ross enters.
RossHey, there's uh, some people outside, asking about candy.
MonicaWell, they're just gonna have to wait aren't they? I only had two hands!
RossNeed some help?
MonicaNo! You don't know the system! I don't need nobody messing with the system!
RossBy the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me. (She glares at him and he quickly makes his way to Phoebe's room.)
[Cut to Phoebe's room, Phoebe has put her helmet on one of her teddy bears and is playing around with it. Ross knocks and pokes his head in the door.]
Phoebe(seeing him) Oh, hello liar.
Ross(entering) Look, I-I'm really sorry I let go of the bike.
PhoebeI could've been killed I hope you know!
RossI know. I know. But, can we please try it again? Huh? I mean, you were so close, Phoebe!
PhoebeWell, I would love to but... the bike got stolen and the police have no suspects. (Ross just happens to have his hand on a sheet that is covering something that suspiciously looks like a bike.)
PhoebeWhat?! (Ross rings the bell.) What the hell?!
RossAll right, you know what? If you are not going to learn how to ride this bike then I'm sorry, I'm just gonna have to take it back.
RossBecause! Because, it-it-it's... It'd be like you having this guitar (Points to hers) and-and never playing it. Ok, this guitar wants to be played! And-and this bike wants to be ridden and-and if you don't ride it you-you're-you're killing its spirit! (Pause) The bike, is dying.
PhoebeAll right. If you care enough to make up that load of crap, ok.
RossGreat! Great! (He runs to the door.) You're making the bike very happy.
Phoebe(sarcastically) Ok Ross! (Ross exits and she says quietly to the bike) Please don't die!
Rachel's office, Tag and her are planning how to get the review back.
RachelOk, I think we can get the evaluation back before they see it, but we're gonna have to get into Mr. Zelner's office. Now, he doesn't get in until 10, so he's no problem, but his assistant, Betty, she comes in early to eat her breakfast at her desk.
TagThat's kinda sad.
RachelYeah, well Betty's kinda sad. Which is why I believe I can lure her away with these chocolates. (Holding up the box of chocolates.) Now, while I distract her, you go in the office.
(They start towards the door but are stopped when Mr. Zelner enters.)
Mr. ZelnerHello Rachel, you uh, got a minute?
Rachel(worried and shocked) Yeah, sure, Mr. Zelner, for you, anything- a minute. Ok. Great. (To Tag) Abort the plan, abort the plan. (She start to usher Tag out.)
Mr. ZelnerUh actually, I'd like to speak to both of you.
RachelOk. Uh, well can we, can we get you anything Mr. Zelner? Maybe some, chocolates? (Holds up the box.)
Mr. ZelnerUmm, no. Thanks, but I'll give these to Betty. (Rachel glances at Tag to say, "See?") So I read your evaluation of Tag, or to use his full name, Tag Sweetcheeks Jones. Something going on with you two?
Rachel(laughs) Oh my God. Can-can you imagine if there was?! I mean, (getting serious) what wo-would happen exactly.
Mr. ZelnerWell, I'd be forced to file a report. I'd have to consult with the legal department, and your future at the company would be in jeopardy.
Tag(interrupting) Uh Mr. Zelner, I'm the one who filled in that evaluation.
Tag(interrupting again) Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, I thought it would be funny.
Mr. ZelnerYou wrote that you have a cute tushie?
Tag(pause) Yes. I have a weird sense of humor, and I'm kinda strangely proud of my butt.
Mr. ZelnerIt's kind of a risky joke, Tag, and what is-what is this drawing I can't figure out what this is?
RachelYou're looking at it upside down-you know what? (Grabs the evaluation and throws it out.) It doesn't matter.
Mr. ZelnerHey, it's not like I don't have a sense of humor, huh? Hell, I even enjoy a naughty limerick now and then. But there's a time and a place, huh?! Unless you uh, have a limerick right now? (They both nod no.) No? Ok, well uh, you've (Grabs the chocolates.) got my fax number. (Exits.)
RachelWhoa! I can't believe you did that. That was really sweet.
TagNah, don't worry about it.
RachelNo, you could've lost your job.
TagAre you kidding me?! With a cute butt like this, I'd find work.
RachelThank you! You're great! (They kiss.)
TagYou know what?
TagI feel great. (Rachel laughs) In fact! (Walks over to her desk, sweeps its contents onto the floor and Rachel just glares at him.) What?
RachelI... It just-it took me so long to get that desk organized.
TagI'm sorry. (He bends over to pick the stuff up.)
Rachel(looking at his butt) There it is. (They hug.)
The Hallway, Chandler is returning from work to see the hallway jammed full of people waiting outside their door.
Chandler(asking a man leaning against the wall) What is going on?
The ManWe're waiting for the candy. (Yelling at the door.) Bring out the candy!
JoeyYeah lady! Give us candy!
JoeyWhat's up? Buddy?
ChandlerWhat are you doing?
JoeyWaiting for candy.
ChandlerGet in here! (They head for the door and Chandler sees Smokes-A-Lot Lady standing next to the door and smoking, to her) Hey, and you can not smoke in here! (Takes the cigarette and takes a drag for himself.) (Exhaling in ecstasy) Merry Christmas.
Monica(opening the door and frantically) Ok, guys! The candy is coming; I just need another 15 minutes for the chocolate to cool!
AllWe want candy! We want candy now! (And other general commotion sounds.)
ChandlerAll right everybody! Just be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet! Pipe-pipe-pipe down! (They settle down) What is the matter with you people?! This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. And look at her. She is a mess. Her hair is not brushed, she's got dark circles under her eyes, chocolate on her face and she is still stunning! She was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you, and I'll bet that not one of you can tell me her name! Am I right?
The Man(from earlier) Candy Lady?
ChandlerNo not (imitating) Candy Lady.
Joey(stepping in and knocking the man over) Hey, if we know it can we have candy?
ChandlerAll right, you know what? Forget it, all of you forget it! You've ruined it! Go home! You've ruined it! You've ruined it!
JoeyThat's right, it's all ruined! You guys ruined everything! You ruined it! (Steps into the apartment and Chandler closes the door.) (Joey struts over to the candy and starts eating it.)
Monica(To Chandler) Thank you.
ChandlerYou're welcome. (They kiss.)
MonicaDid you smoke?
ChandlerNo! Smokes-A-Lot Lady blew smoke directly into my mouth. Eh-uh-are you ok?
MonicaI'm fine now, but it was really scary there for a while. I mean, someone slipped a-a threatening note under the door.
Joey(with his mouth full) Oh yeah, sorry about that. Mob mentality or whatever, I don't know... (Grabs the note.)
Central Park, Phoebe is now riding her bike with ease and stops in front of Ross. They both giggle.
PhoebeI can't believe it! I did it! I rode a bike! I never thought I'd be able to do that! Thank you Ross.
RossOh hey, don't thank me, thank yourself. You're the one who faced your fears and ultimately overcame them.
PhoebeDon't be so corny Ross, it's not an after school special. (She rides off and the camera pans down to reveal two shiny, silver training wheels firmly attached.)
Written by Wil Calhoun; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added text by George Nanakis, Minor adjustments by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp