{Armadillos are New World placental mammals with a leathery armor shell. placenta - an organ that forms inside a woman's uterus to feed an unborn baby} Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is on the phone, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the kitchen. ChandlerBye-bye. (Hangs up the phone) I just got us reservations at Michelle's and tickets to The Music Man to celebrate our first holiday season as a betroughed couple.
MonicaBetrothed... (Corrects him)
Chandler...betrothed couple.
Phoebe(entering carrying a skull) Hey!
Rachel and MonicaHi!
PhoebeHaaaa... (Puts the skull on the table) ... ahhhh!
PhoebeOh, yeah, it's my mom's.
Rachel(freaking out) Oh, my God!
PhoebeNo-no-no. It's not! It's not my mom. It belonged to my mom. Yeah, no, she used to put it out every Christmas, to remind us, that even though it's Christmas, people still die. And, you could put candy in it. (She grabs the skull, pulls out a stick of licorice, and takes a bite.)
Ross(entering) Hey!
Monica(Offering Ross the skull) Licorice?
Ross(Thinking it over) Sure! (Takes one) Hey, I just found out, I get Ben for the holidays this year.
AllOhh! That's great!
MonicaAre you gonna dress up as Santa?
RossNope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
PhoebeAnd maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.
RachelYou may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.
(Joey comes out of the bathroom reading a newspaper)
JoeyHey. (He exits)
Rachel(to Monica) Did you know he was in there?
ChandlerHow long have we been home?
MonicaAbout half an hour.
ChandlerLovely! Central Perk, Chandler is getting a cup of coffee and sits down next to Monica. ChandlerHey, you know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you gonna change your last name to Bing?
ChandlerWhy not?
MonicaBing's weird.
ChandlerYeah, I know what you mean, Geller!
Phoebe(entering) Oh, hey, you guys!
PhoebeHey. Guess what! My landlord just called and my apartment is gonna be ready soon, so I guess I'll be moving out.
MonicaAhh, Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you!
PhoebeYes, you will be very sad. All right, well I gotta go tell Rachel the good news.
ChandlerOhh! You guys gonna be living together again?
PhoebeYeah, why not?
ChandlerWell, she's just having so much fun with Joey, I just assumed, she'd still be living with him.
PhoebeWhy do you think she's having so much fun living with Joey?
ChandlerNo reason, except... she... told... me.
PhoebeReally? So she said, she didn't wanna live with me anymore?
ChandlerNo! No, she didn't say that. I-I-I think you should talk to Monica now.
MonicaPhoebe, don't worry about it. I'm sure she wants to live with you.
PhoebeYou're sure? You're absolutely sure?
MonicaWell, no. But, um, I bet she probably does.
PhoebeProbably? Yeah, I don't like that word. (Chandler and Monica look surprised) Kind of what 'probably' really means. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, oh, "Your mom probably won't kill herself, you know?"No, the funeral director probably won't hit on you", "Yeah that nice couple probably will adopt you." Yeah, ok I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I'm not hanging all my hopes of Rachel and I living together on-on "Probably!" You know? You gotta take care of yourselves! (She starts to walk out) This world, you know, history teaches us nothing! (Exits)
ChandlerBing doesn't seem so weird now, does it? Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting behind a red drum set. Rachel(entering) Hey!
JoeyHey! Great, you're home! Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas! (Starts drumming.)
Joey(yelling) No! Drums! Michelle's, Chandler and Monica enter. Chandler(to the Maitre d') Hi, could we get two burritos to go, please? (Laughs.)
MonicaI'm sorry. But not that sorry, because you don't have to live with it. Um, we have a reservation under the name Chandler Bing.
Maitre d'Oh-kay, we'll have a table for you in about 45 minutes.
ChandlerForty-five minutes? We have tickets to the Music Man at 8:00.
Maitre d'I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir.
ChandlerIs this because of the burrito thing?
Monica(pulling Chandler away from the maitre d') You need to give him money.
ChandlerGive him money? It was a joke!
MonicaNo, to get a table! Places like are always shaking you down. Everybody wants the payoff.
ChandlerRight, calm down, O'Malley. I'll slip him some money.
MonicaYou've got to be smooth about it.
ChandlerHey, I can be smooth. (Walks back to the maitre d', very smoothly) Listen, we're in a little bit of hurry, so, if you could get us a table a little quicker, I'd appreciate it. (Shakes his hand)
Maitre d'Of course, sir.
ChandlerOk. (Walks back to Monica)
MonicaHow'd it go?
ChandlerHad the money in the wrong hand. (Shows her his left hand with the money in it) Ross's apartment, Ross is whirling Ben around. RossWooo, he-he-he. Hey, ahh, you don't feel like you're gonna throw up, do you?
RossWell I do, so let's... (Ben and Ross sit down on the couch) So, Ben, you uh, you know what holiday is coming up, don't ya?
RossYeah, and you know what other holiday is coming up?
BenChristmas eve.
RossYes, but also (Pauses to let Ben answer, but he doesn't.) Hanukkah! See, you're part Jewish, and-and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.
BenSanta has reindeers that can fly!
RossRight, um, but, on Hanukkah, Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle. See, years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees.
Ben(singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells...
Ross(interrupts him) Ok, that's right, yes, but on Hanukkah, uh, we sing, uh (Sings) Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Ben(singing) Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer...
Ross(interrupts him again) Ok, it's not a contest.
BenWhen is Santa coming?
RossWell, how about this year, instead of Santa, we have fun celebrating Hanukkah?
BenNo Santa? Was I bad?
RossNo! Oh, no-no-no. Hey, you weren't bad, you've been very good, Ben.
BenSanta's mad at me.
RossNo, hey, hey, come on, (He grabs Ben and sits him on his lap) Ben, Santa is not mad at you, ok? Hey, you're-you're his favorite little guy!
BenSo Santa's coming?
Ross(disappointed) Yes! Santa's coming!
BenWill he bring me an ant farm?
RossWill you keep it at mommy's?
RossThen sure! Michelle's, Chandler and Monica are discussing how to bribe the maitre d'. ChandlerLook, maybe this slipping him money thing is not gonna work. You know maybe we should just wait.
MonicaYou're the one who said you would die if you didn't see Music Man!
ChandlerI didn't say "die", I said "cry".
MonicaIt's easy! Just keep it casual! Give him a kind word, shake his hand and give him the money!
ChandlerHow do you know so much about this?
MonicaI don't know.
ChandlerRichard used to do it, didn't he?
MonicaWe'd be eating our soup right now.
ChandlerMustached bastard...
Monica(sees two people exit) Ok, those people just left, come on! Quick! Give him the money and get their table!
Chandler(walks up to the maitre d') 'Scuse me...
[Chandler can't find his money in the pocket. In the meantime, another couple shows up, and Chandler turns away to look for his money]
Male Guest(to the maitre d') We're in a bit of hurry, uh can we- (Shakes his hand)
Chandler(finds his money) Ahh-ha-ha-ha! (Turns around to give the maitre d' his money, but he isn't there anymore) The Hallway, Phoebe comes up the stairs and hears drumming coming from Joey and Rachel's, so she enters smiling and then sees that Rachel, not Joey, is the one playing. Rachel(stopping at Phoebe's entrance) Ha!
PhoebeSo you like the drums! That's, that's great! You know, I was worried, that, you know, they would create maybe an unbearable living situation. But, ok, well, apparently not! So, yay!
JoeyHey, hey, Pheebs, check it out, we already learned a song. (To Rachel) Ready? One, two, three, four...
[Rachel hits some tom-toms and ends up on the crash cymbal, which is in fact a ride cymbal, but whatever...]
Rachel and JoeyTequila!!
PhoebeThat's fun. (She exits disappointedly.) Central Perk, Gunther is serving Chandler and Monica coffee. GuntherHere you go.
ChandlerThank you Gunther, put it there. (He gets up, and shakes Gunther's hand. A bunch of coins fall out his hand. He sits down next to Monica.) Definitely not easier with coins. (Joey gets up and picks up the coins. Chandler thinks, Joey is just helping him to pick them up.) Thank you.
JoeyThank you. (He gets up and puts on his jacket.) (Phoebe enters) Hey, Pheebs!
JoeyHere. (Gives her the coins) Now I only owe you $49.50.
ChandlerHey Pheebs!
PhoebeHey! (she sits down next to him)
ChandlerIf you wanna get Joey a Christmas present that disrupts the entire building, why not get him something a little bit more subtle, like a wrecking ball, or a vial of smallpox to release in the hallway?
MonicaIt's, it's not just the drum noise. Every five minutes, Joey throws his sticks in the air, and I have to hear, "Oh my eye! Oh God, my eye!" I mean, it is so annoying.
PhoebeYes, thank you. You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums.
MonicaPhoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy Rachel, so she wouldn't wanna live there anymore?
PhoebeMaybe on some level. Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting behind the drums wearing safety goggles, hitting them with his sticks as Rachel watches. RachelJoey, you know that you could just not throw the sticks up in the air.
JoeyWhat is Rock 'n' Roll about that?
Phoebe(entering with an aquarium covered by a towel) Hey, Joey, I got you another present. (She puts it on the counter)
JoeyOh wait, before you tell me what it is! (He plays a drum-roll) Ok, what is it?
PhoebeIt's a...tarantula! (Joey almost falls down from his drum-stool; jumping up) Oh! God! Rachel, look, I'm sorry. What was I thinking giving Joey this big, gross, scary spider in such a poorly constructed cage?
RachelWhat're you talking about? I love them! (Looks into the cage) Yeah, I had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it-it died, because my cat ate it. And then, then my cat died. But Joey, isn't this cool?
JoeyIs it on me? I feel, I feel like it's on me! I got, hey yeah! (He storms into his room)
RachelOh, isn't that adorable? Joey is afraid of the tarantula.
Phoebe(sarcastic) Oh, yeah, he's so adorable, God, he's just so much fun, Joey is the best, I'm glad you're having so much fun here. (She turns around, about to leave)
RachelWhat? Wait-wait a minute, what? Phoebe, what's the matter?
PhoebeOur apartment is ready.
RachelAnd that makes you angry because...
PhoebeBecause you would rather live here with Joey.
RachelWhere did you get that?
PhoebeMonica and Chandler said that you were having so much fun here. And apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change that.
RachelDid you get all this stuff for Joey to try and drive me out of the apartment? Honey, if you wanted to do that, you might as well just got him a fish, you know how fish freaked me out!
Phoebe(nods along) Aw, fish!
RachelBut it wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe, you and I are, are gonna live together, we're roommates; that's the deal.
PhoebeYes, but I wanted you to want to live with me, but ok, if you're having so much fun over here...
RachelOh, it's so much more fun with you.
PhoebeWe did have fun, didn't we?
RachelWe had so much fun. You remember, remember that time we-we were playing with the super ball, and we-we accidentally threw it through the window and it broke?
PhoebeI remember paying for the window but I don't remember how it broke.
RachelYeah, stuff like that.
PhoebeYeah. Oh, anyway, they say, if we want, we can see it tonight.
RachelOh, I would love to!
PhoebeYay, ok!
RachelOh, good, good, good, good, good. (She runs to the drums and gets the sticks)
PhoebeGreat, all right, come on! Oh! And Monica asks me to make the drumming stop.
Rachel(with the sticks in her hands) Um... (She goes to the tarantula cage and puts the sticks into it) Done! Halloween Adventure, a costume shop, there is a salesman behind the counter, Ross enters. RossHey!
SalesmanHello, Sir. You're here to return those pants?
RossNo, these are my pants.
SalesmanOh. Ok! How can I help you?
RossWell, uh, do you have a Santa outfit left?
SalesmanTwo days before Christmas? Sorry, man. Did you try Costume City?
RossYeah, yeah, I've tried everywhere. Please, please, I mean I'll, I'll pay extra.
SalesmanSorry. But, I do have 74 of them coming back on the 26th.
RossOk look, do-do, you have anything uh Christmassy? I promised my son, and I-I really don't wanna disappoint him, um, come on, I...uh, you gotta have something. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just opened the door for Ross who is costumed as an Armadillo. Ben is standing next to her. RossI'm the holiday armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you (Points to Ben) a Merry Christmas!
MonicaWhat happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?
Ross(to Monica) Santa was unavailable; so close to Christmas.
MonicaWow, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted coming all the way from...Texas.
RossThat's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And, Mexico! But, Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. (He tries to bend down to pick up the bag with the presents, but can't because of the costume) Maybe the Lady will help me with these presents.
[Monica picks up the bag, while Ross closes the door and hits Monica with his tail. They walk into the living room, and Monica empties the bag.]
BenWow! Thanks!
RossYou're welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas, ooh, and, Happy Hanukkah!
BenAre you for Hanukkah too? Because I'm part-Jewish.
Ross(gasps) You are? Me too!
MonicaBecause Armadillos also wandered in the desert?
Ross(to Monica) You wanna wander in the hall? (to Ben) Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the festival of lights?
MonicaCome on Ben.
[Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.]
RossYears and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees...
Chandler(entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
BenSanta! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
ChandlerHey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)
RossWhat're you doing here, Santa?
ChandlerWell, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What're you doing here, weird... turtle-man?
RossI'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
BenDid you bring me any presents, Santa?
ChandlerYou bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He shakes Ben's hand, but the money falls out of his hands) (to Monica) Well, it would've worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small! (Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho, ho, ho!
MonicaOk Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo, and I will have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
[They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices]
Ross(to Chandler) What're you doing?
ChandlerYou called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
RossThank you, but, but you-you gotta leave.
RossBecause, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you're wrecking it.
ChandlerBut I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly!
RossI'm sorry, Chandler, but this, this is really important to me. Ok?
ChandlerFine, I'll give the suit back.
[Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.]
Monica(to Chandler) Hey, you think you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.)
ChandlerSanta? Really?
MonicaYes, is that ok?
ChandlerDid your dad ever dress up like Santa?
ChandlerThen it's ok! (They kiss.)
RossOk, Ben, Santa has to go. Say goodbye!
BenNo! Why does he have to go?
ChandlerBecause, if Santa and the Holiday... Armadillo? (Ross nods) ... are ever in the same room for too long, the universe will implode. Merry Christmas!
BenNo! Why can't the Armadillo leave? I want Santa!
RossFine, I-I give up. Santa, Santa can stay.
ChandlerWell, I'll stay, but only because I wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?
BenOk, Santa!
(Ross mouths to Chandler, "Thank you," and he mouths, "You're welcome," back.)
RossAll right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees.
[Joey enters in a Superman costume]
Joey(entering wearing a Superman costume) Merry Christmas! Phoebe and Rachel's, they are entering to check out the newly refurbished apartment. RachelOh, wow! Look at this place!
PhoebeOh, this is terrible. Oh, they've made so many changes I can't even feel my grandmother's presence anymore- Ooh! New sconces!
Rachel(yelling from another room) Oh my God!
Rachel(returning) Ok, remember uh, remember how you told me that your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms?
RachelAnd remember how you always said you were afraid the landlord wo-would find out and then tear it down?
RachelDo you really not know where I'm going with this?
PhoebeNo of course I do. What?
RachelIt left! It's one huge room!
PhoebeOh no! (She runs to see.) (Running back, excitedly) Oh! Wow!
PhoebeWell, I guess we'll just have to put the wall back up.
RachelYou can't, because of the new skylight!
PhoebeThere's a skylight?! (Runs to see and yells from the bedroom.) Wow!
RachelOh. So what should we do? Should we start looking for a new place?
Phoebe(returning slowly) You know, I'm-I'm sensing that um, my grandmother would not be comfortable with that.
RachelOh yeah? Starting to feel her again there are we?
PhoebeA little bit, yeah.
RachelYeah. Pheebs, is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone?
PhoebeYou heard her too?! You have the gift!
RachelPhoebe, it's ok. I like living with Joey.
PhoebeAre you sure?
RachelOh please, I hate packing, it's closer to work, and we do have fun. Although, I'm really gonna miss living with you.
PhoebeOh me too.
RachelI know. (They hug.) Oh-oh, wait did you hear that-hear that? Listen, I'm getting something from your grandmother, she said that since you get to keep the one bedroom apartment you should give Rachel the purple chair?
PhoebeNo, I do not hear that.
RachelOh no, wait a minute. Oh ok, she didn't say chair, she said share. You should share the one-bedroom apartment.
PhoebeOh the purple chair! No yeah I heard that, yeah. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Santa (Chandler), Superman (Joey), Ben, and Monica are listening to the Holiday Armadillo (Ross) finish telling the story of Hanukkah. Ross...and the miracle was that that little bit of oil that should've lasted just one day, burned for...
Ben(answering him) Eight whole days.
RossThat's right, and that's why we celebrate Hanukkah today. The end.
ChandlerMy favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt. (Glaring at Joey who's nodding.)
RossThe Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part!
(Monica kisses Chandler)
Ben(To Ross) Why is Santa kissing Aunt Monica?
MonicaBecause Aunt Monica was very... very good this year.
RossOk Ben, it's time to light the Hanukkah candles! (Santa, Superman, Monica, Ben, and the Holiday Armadillo go over to the menorah to light the candles.)
Rachel(entering with Phoebe) Hey!
Rachel(seeing the collection of characters.) Wow! It looks like the Easter Bunny's funeral in here.
RossCome on, come on, we're-we're-we're lighting the candles!
(They both go over to light the candles.)
PhoebeOk, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny's funeral? Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is closing the door on the tarantula cage. JoeyDid you get it?
RachelI got it!
Joey(yelling from the bedroom) It's back in the cage?
RachelIt's back in the cage!
JoeyThe cage closed?
RachelJoey, will you just come out here and stop being such a baby!
(Joey throws open his door and stands there still in the Superman costume then slowly makes his way to the bathroom while keeping both eyes on the cage.)

Written by Greg Malins; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added text by George Nanakis; Annotated by ncp