Chandler and Monica's, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table eating cheesecake. The box it came in is also on the table. ChandlerOhh. Mmm.
Rachel(Comes in the front door and walks towards the kitchen.) Hi.
ChandlerHey, you have got to try this cheesecake.
RachelOh, you know I'm not that much of a sweet tooth. I- (Chandler puts a forkful of the cheesecake in her mouth.) Wow. My God, so creamy. Oh, my God, this is the best cheesecake I've ever had. Where did you get this? (She reaches over to look at the label on the box.)
Chandler(nervously) It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us.
RachelChandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs. (Gasping) Thief.
ChandlerI- no! I didn't read the box before I opened it. You can't return a box after you've opened the box.
RachelWhy, why not?
ChandlerBecause it's too delicious.
RachelChandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong.
ChandlerNo-no-no! It is going to be ok, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, (Reading the label) Momma's Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible, I'm a horrible, horrible, horrible person.
Rachel(taking a bite) Well, I'm sorry, what? Central Perk, everyone except Rachel is there as Joey gets up and starts putting on his coat. JoeyAll right, I should get going, big day at work. You know I'm in a coma? Today, they do this test on me and it turns out I'm not brain dead.
JoeyAh-ah-ah Mr. Smarty-pants, it's just my character that's not brain dead. Hey, so Pheebs, you still on for tonight?
JoeyAll right, I'll see you at eight.
PhoebeOk. (Joey exits.)
ChandlerOh, what's at eight?
PhoebeOh, I have dinner plans with Joey. We get together about once a month to discuss the rest of you guys.
RossWow, did not know that! May I say how lovely you look today?
PhoebeOh, duly noted.
RossThanks. (Phoebe gets up to get a refill.) (To Monica) Oh! So for tomorrow, do you wanna rent a car and drive down together or what?
MonicaWhat are you talking about?
RossCousin Frannie's wedding, it's tomorrow night.
MonicaYou were invited?!
MonicaMy God, I can't believe this! I mean I knew that mom and dad were invited, but I thought that was it! I mean from the ages 7 to 9 Frannie and I were inseparable!
ChandlerWell, maybe since the age of 9, Frannie's made some new friends.
MonicaDo you wanna make some new friends?
RossWell aw aw, it's probably just a mistake. Let me call Aunt Sheryl ok? Maybe you are invited and the invitation just got lost in the mail.
MonicaYeah, well you call her and tell her that you know when we were kids her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times, ok? And if I hadn't stopped her, there probably wouldn't even be a wedding to go to.
RossShe tried to undress me too.
ChandlerI used to undress my cousin Glenn. (Monica looks at him then shushes him.) Joey and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross are playing Monopoly as Phoebe enters angrily. PhoebeJoseph Francis Tribbiani are you home yet?!
RachelUmm, I think he's still out. What's wrong?
PhoebeWell, I'll tell you Rachel Karen Green, I had plans with Joey tonight and he left me this note. (Hands it to Rachel.)
Rachel(reading the note) "Pheebs, can't make it, got a date. Talk to you later. Big Daddy." (Laughs) Big Daddy?
PhoebeOh that's a nickname we were trying out.
ChandlerWhy don't you guys try out "Francis"? (Turns to Ross): "Francis" is a cooler name than "Chandler" isn't it?
RossHey, you know what nickname never caught on? The Ross-A-Tron! (Monica shakes her head in disgust.)
Joey(entering) Hey!
PhoebeOh! Here's Joseph Francis!
JoeyOh-Wha-Ho! What are you middle naming me for?! I left you a note!
PhoebeSo what?! That doesn't give you the right to ditch me!
JoeyHey, you can cancel plans with friends if there is the possibility for sex!
RossPhoebe he's right, that is the rule.
ChandlerThat's what I hear. I've never gotten a chance to actually employ the rule.
PhoebeWell, I don't accept this rule. When we make plans, I expect you to show up. Ok, I can't just be a way to kill time 'til you meet someone better! You know boyfriends and girlfriends are gonna come and go, but this (Motions that their friendship) is for life!
JoeyWow! So sorry; I had no idea it would bother you this much.
PhoebeWell, it does.
JoeyOk, can I-can I make it up to you? Huh? I'm sorry. (They hug.) How about uh, dinner tomorrow night?! I'll pay for myself!
PhoebeOk, you wore me down.
RossHey Joe, while you're over there how about another beer for the Ross-A-Tron?
JoeyThe Ross- Is that back?! (Chandler motions no.) {323 - Ross's Thing: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! You know, they'll call it, the Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross."} Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is opening another cheesecake box. ChandlerAhh...
ChandlerThe other cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again!
RachelSo just bring it back downstairs, what's the problem?
ChandlerI can't seem to say goodbye.
RachelAre you serious?! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more?
ChandlerWell I've forgotten what it tastes like, ok?!
RachelIt was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham cracker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling... (Pause) Wow! My whole mouth just filled with saliva!
Chandler(closing the box) You know what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So, let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake.
RachelYeah and we'll drop it off downstairs so that we're not tempted.
ChandlerGood idea. Where do you want to go to lunch?
RachelMomma's Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. (They exit with the cheesecake.) Central Perk, Monica and Joey are there. Joey is reading a newspaper. JoeyAwww! Mel Torme died.
MonicaJoey, that paper's like a year old!
JoeyAw! Does that mean the Sam Goody's sale is over?!
Ross(entering) Hey.
RossSo I finally heard back from Aunt Sheryl and apparently it wasn't a mistake. Ahh, there's-there's limited seating in the hall.
MonicaLimited seating?! (Screechingly) I am just one tiny person!
RossWell, yeah, but she doesn't know that. I mean, the last time she saw you, you-you would've turned one of those little wedding chairs into kindling.
Monica(disgusted) Limited seating! Oh, that is such a lame excuse! That's not the reason why she's not inviting me!
RossWhat's the big deal?! I wasn't even invited to the ceremony, just the reception. And-and you know what? If it makes you feel any better, Joan and I will just make an appearance and then, and then we'll-we'll leave early as a sign of protest.
RossYeah, Joan Tedeski, my date. She's an assistant professor in the Linguistics department. Tall, very beautiful, and despite what some people say, not broad backed!
MonicaWait a minute, you got Ross Gellar and guest?! I wasn't invited and you got "and guest?!"
JoeyUh, uh, excuse me, I do have to interrupt on Ross's behalf. I-I think the rule applies here. You know, since she has a chance to get on broad back...
Ross(interrupting) Not broad backed!
JoeyDude, I've seen her. She's like a billboard.
MonicaWait a minute, you know, you're bringing me!
RossWhat? I can't cancel on Joan!
MonicaWhy not?!
RossBec- Did you not hear me?! She's an assistant professor in the Linguistics department, ok? They're wild! Why-why do you wanna come anyway?
Monica'Cause! She's my cousin. I mean, we grew up together! Family, you know-know? That's-that's important to me.
RossOk, all right, I'll take you. I'll go call Joan. (Does so.)
JoeyAww, that's nice. Family should be there, huh? This is her wedding, happiest day of her life.
Monica(laughs) We'll see. The Lobby of Chandler and Rachel's building, Chandler and Rachel are returning from lunch. ChandlerWell, thank you for lunch.
RachelWhat? Wait a minute, I didn't pay, I thought you paid!
ChandlerSo apparently we just don't pay for food anymore. (Rachel laughs then Chandler notices something.) Do you see what I see?
Rachel(gasps) It's still there! (The cheesecake they returned to Mrs. Braverman is still lying in front of her door.)
ChandlerMrs. Braverman must be out. (They move closer to it.)
RachelShe could be out of town. Maybe she'll be gone for months.
ChandlerBy then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don't want her to come back to bad cheesecake.
RachelNo, that could kill her.
ChandlerWell, we don't want that.
RachelNo, so we're protecting her.
ChandlerWell we should take it.
RachelYeah, but we should move quick.
RachelBecause I think I just heard her moving around in there.
ChandlerGo! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Rachel grabs the cheesecake and they take off upstairs.) Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are entering. MonicaDo you think it's inappropriate to wear a white lacy dress to a wedding?
(As Phoebe sit's down, she recognizes someone sitting at the counter.)
Phoebe(gasps) (whispering) Oh my God! That's David!
MonicaDavid who?
PhoebeDavid the scientist guy, David that I was in love with, David who went to Russia and broke my heart David!
David(noticing Phoebe) Oh my God!
PhoebeOh, you say someone's name enough, they turn around.
PhoebeDavid! (He kisses her cheek) What-what're you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in Russia?
DavidYeah, I'm just, I'm just in town for a conference. Umm, God, y-you look ph-phenomenal!
PhoebeWell... Yeah. You look great too. Did you get a haircut?
DavidYeah. Well I-I got like thirty of 'em.
DavidUmm, look, I-I-I got a confession to make...
DavidUh, I-I-I was hoping to run into you here. I didn't know whether I should call or not, you know I-I was only in town for a few days. And you know, I didn't want to intrude on your life or-or anything like that, but I-I really wanted to see you and- but I didn't know if you wanted to see me.
PhoebeWell, of course I would want to see you. I... I think about you all the time.
DavidReally? Because I think about you all the time.
DavidThere's a statue in Minsk...
DavidThat reminds me of you so much, I mean umm, it-it's actually of Lenin. But, you know at certain angles...
DavidUmm, anyway... Do you wanna have dinner uh tonight?
Phoebe(excited) Yes! Oh, no!
David(disappointed) Oh. Uh, what?
PhoebeI can't. I can't believe I have plans, I can't. Can you do it tomorrow night though?
DavidUh no, I have to go, in a few hours. I have to be on the red-eye. Well listen, you know, next time you're in Minsk, umm...
MonicaPhoebe, can I talk to you for a second?
PhoebeUh-huh. (They go over and talk.)
MonicaWhat are you doing?
PhoebeWell, I have plans with Joey tonight.
MonicaSo! He'll understand!
PhoebeNo he won't. And that's not even the point! Monica, I made a whole speech about how you do not cancel plans with friends! And now, you know, what? Just because, potentially, the love of my life comes back from Russia just for one night, I-I should change my beliefs?! I should change beliefs! No! No! No, if I don't have my principles, I don't have anything!
MonicaGod, you are so strong.
PhoebeOr! I should rush through dinner with Joey and I can meet David at nine! Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Chandler are eating the cheesecake right out of the box. Rachel(taking a bite) Oh my God! That is so good!
ChandlerI'm full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I'll regret it.
Joey(entering) Hey!
Joey(seeing what they're doing) What do you got there?
RachelOh it's umm, it's tofu cake. Do you want some? (He makes a disgusted noise and heads for his room, Chandler follows him in.)
ChandlerWhat're you doing tonight?
JoeyHuh? Uh... (He starts taking off his pants.)
ChandlerDude! Dude! (Motions that Joey should pull up his pants.)
JoeyOh! (Pulls up his pants.) Sorry. Uh, I got those plans with Phoebe, why?
ChandlerOh really? Uh, Monica said she had a date at nine.
JoeyWhat?! Tonight?!
ChandlerThat's what Monica said.
JoeyAfter she gave me that big speech?! She goes and makes a date with a guy on the same night she has plans with me? I think she's trying to pull a fast one on Big Daddy! Now, if you'll excuse me...(starts to take off his pants again)
ChandlerDude, dude! If I took off my pants right now, how would you feel?
JoeyLike your cousin Glenn. Cousin Frannie's Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are entering and finding their table. RossOh here, I think this is us. (Reading the name cards.) Yeah.
MonicaLimited seating my ass. Let's see who made the cut. (To the couple sitting to her right.) Hi!
The Wedding GuestHi!
MonicaI'm Monica Gellar. How do you know the bride and groom?
The Wedding GuestOh, I used to work with Frannie.
MonicaUsed to work with her. Used to! I'm a relative and I didn't get invited! A blood relative! Blood!
Ross(To Monica) Stop saying "Blood" to strangers.
MonicaFrom the ages of 7 to 9 we were inseperable, inseperable and I didn't even get invited to this.
The Wedding GuestThen why are you here?
MonicaI'm my brother's date.
RossHey, I had a date, ok? Joan Tadesky, the linguist.
Monica(to the couple on her left) So, how about you, hm? How do you know the happy couple?
The Second GuestWe went to college with both of them and now we live next door.
MonicaOk, you're fine.
Ross (to the second guest)You know, you-you would've liked Joan. She's very pleasant. (points to someone in the room).There, there. Her back looks like that. That's not broad, is it? Iridium Restaurant, Phoebe and Joey are looking at the menus. PhoebeCome on Joey! You've got to be ready to order by now.
JoeyYou know what? I don't think I like this table either. Maybe-maybe we should move again.
PhoebeNo! We are staying right here. (A man passes by) Excuse me, we are ready to order.
ManI don't work here.
PhoebeWell then you shouldn't be walking around.
(The real waiter comes by.)
The WaiterHey!
The WaiterYou guys ready yet?
PhoebeYeah! Uh-huh, I'm gonna have the uh green salad with the house dressing, water's fine.
The Waiter(To Joey) And you, sir?
JoeyYeah, this slow roasted salmon, just how slow are we talking?
The WaiterIt's uh, it's already been roasted.
JoeyOhh, then no. Maybe I should hear those specials again.
PhoebeOh Joey, we've heard the specials three times! Ok? There's prime rib, mahi mahi, and a very special lobster ravioli. (She grabs his menu and hands it to the waiter.)
The WaiterActually we're out of the lobster ravioli. (Putting Joey's menu under his arm.)
JoeyOh well, that changes everything! (Grabs his menu and starts looking at it again. The waiter leaves.) You know what Pheebs?
JoeyYou were right before. Friends are so important.
Phoebe(checking her watch) Yeah, I'm very wise. I know.
JoeyYou know-you know what I really want?
JoeyIs to have a long, long talk. You know? Get Joey out on the open road and really open him up.
The Waiter(returning) Any progress?
JoeyYes! I will have the lobster ravioli.
PhoebeGod Joey, this is taking forever!
JoeyWhat's the rush? What?
PhoebeW-w- I just- it's that- I have- you know I have-I have an appointment. And it's very important.
JoeyWhoa-whoa, what is it?
PhoebeWell... It's a date.
JoeyA date?! No, no, Pheebs you-you must be mistaken, because I know you wouldn't schedule a date on the same night you have plans with a friend!
PhoebeCome on Joey, don't make me feel badly about this.
JoeyNo, I'm gonna! That's right! Yeah, you made me feel really guilty about going out with that girl! Like-like-like I did something terrible to you! Now, Pheebs, you're doing the same thing!
PhoebeThat- It's not the same thing! This is totally different! This is with David! Remember David, the scientist guy? Ok, he's very special to me.
JoeyOk, well my girl from the other night was special. She was a scientist too!
PhoebeShe was?
JoeyWell, she graduated high school!
PhoebeOk, whatever. You know what? I don't have time to convince you because he's only here for four hours, and I'm gonna go see him! (Gets up and leaves.)
PhoebeYeah! (She exits.)
Joey(to the waiter) What're you still doing here?! I told you, lobster ravioli! Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is running up to meet David. PhoebeHey!
DavidHey! Oh, I was just about to leave. I-I-I-I didn't think you were coming.
PhoebeOh, I wouldn't miss this.
DavidWell, I'm very glad you're here. (Kisses her hand.)
PhoebeOh, you're such a gentleman. (Grabs his arm.) Come on! We're going to my place! (Drags him off to her place.) Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating the cheesecake and Chandler enters and catches her in the act. ChandlerAre you eating the cheesecake without me?!
Rachel(with a mouthful) Mm-mmm. (Nods no.)
ChandlerI will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. (She tries to whistle and blows little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.) How can you eat the cheesecake without me?!
RachelOh, what're you gonna do?! You're gonna go run tell Monica?! You're gonna tell Joey?! No! Because then you will have to tell them what we did! We are desert stealers! We are living outside the law!
ChandlerYou know what? I don't trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I'm taking it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads for his apartment.)
RachelWhat?! What?!
ChandlerOh yes!
RachelWait a minute!
ChandlerOh yes!
RachelOh no-no-no-no-no, no you don't!
[Cut to Chandler and Monica's as they enter.]
ChandlerOh yes! Oh yes!
RachelYou think I trust you with it?! No! We're gonna split it! You take half and I take half!
ChandlerWell that's not fair, you've already had some!
RachelWhat? Oh, though not, you know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy.
ChandlerWhat do we use to split it?
RachelOk! (Grabs a knife and cuts it in half.) All right, pick a half.
Chandler(examining the cake) Ok. Well, this side looks bigger. Uh... There's more crust on this side. You know? So, maybe if I measured...
RachelOh for God's sake just pick a piece!
ChandlerAll right, I'll pick that one. (Points.)
RachelHuh! So the smaller piece. (Puts the piece onto a plate.) Ok, there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and don't come crying to me if you eat your piece too fast. (As she's saying that she is backing out the door, when she finishes she turns around to return to her place, stumbles and drops the cheesecake on the floor.) Oh!
Chandler(gloatingly and holding his piece) Ohhh!
RachelAll right, you gotta give me some of your piece.
ChandlerOh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don't come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my... (Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.) Cousin Frannie's Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are sitting at the table, alone as a woman approaches. The WomanRoss, sweetheart!
RossOh, hey Aunt Millie.
Aunt MillieIsn't it a beautiful wedding?!
RossYes, yes it is. It's uh... (Aunt Millie uses this opportunity to grab Ross and kiss him on the lips. After she leaves Ross quickly wipes his mouth with a napkin.) Every time on the lips! Why?! Why on lips?!
(Cousin Frannie and her husband enter.)
MonicaHere's Frannie. Hmm, won't she be happy to see me? (Starts to get up and greet Frannie.)
RossNow wait a minute, you be nice! All right? I didn't bring you here so you can ambush her.
MonicaFrannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to mom.
RossThat bitch! (He gets up and they go over to ambush Frannie. Monica taps on Frannie's shoulder.)
Frannie(turning around) Monica! What...
MonicaAm I doing here? Why? Surprised to see me? Ross brought me. How do you like that?!
Ross(to Frannie) Hi Frannie, congratulations.
MonicaYou invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me?! Why?! What- Why wouldn't you want me at your wedding? What could I've possibly done?! (Frannie's husband walks up.) Stuart!
FrannieI believe you know my husband.
(Monica is shocked into silence.)
RossSo it's really a question of who could you have possibly done. Outside Central Perk, David has a cab waiting to take him to the airport and he's saying goodbye to Phoebe. DavidOh, I hate this but I-I-I have to go. I-I can't miss my flight.
PhoebeAre you sure? I'll bet there's another flight to Minsk in like...
DavidJuly. Umm, (He speaks Russian.)
PhoebeThat's really beautiful. What 's it mean?
DavidPlease, clean my beakers. I don't get out of the lab much.
PhoebeThat's good. I gotta admit, I thought it was something else.
DavidYeah, I... Well I really actually wanted to say umm, that, but um, I figured I probably shouldn't, because you know, I... have to leave.
PhoebeYou're right! You're right. Don't say it.
DavidI-I do, though.
PhoebeI do too. (They kiss.)
DavidBye Phoebe. (He gets in and the cab drives off. Joey walks up and witnesses that event.)
Phoebe(seeing him) Ok, now's not the time, Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow.
JoeyNo! No! No Pheebs, I'm not gonna yell at you. I just, you know, started thinking about you and David and I... remember how bummed you were the first time he left. And I just... Oh, Pheebs, come here. (He hugs her.) Are you ok?
PhoebeNo I'm not ok. The only guy I've ever been crazy about has, gone to Minsk and I may never... I may never see him again. (Crying.)
JoeyHey, you know you could always visit him.
PhoebeOh right, like they're gonna let me have a passport.
JoeyAnything I can do? Whatever you need.
PhoebeWell- But- Now, if-if you could achieve positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles you know before he does, then he can come back. (They hug again.)
JoeyI can give it a shot. The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to salvage what they can of the cheesecake off the floor. RachelOh! Yay! Look! There's a piece that doesn't have floor on it!
ChandlerStick to your side!
RachelHey, come on now!
(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)
Joey(pulls out a fork) All right, what are we having? (Starts digging in.) Cousin Frannie's Wedding Reception, Ross and Monica are at the door and about to leave. MonicaOh wait. I forgot my wrap.
RossOh, I'll wait here for you.
MonicaI can't go back there!
MonicaDid you see the way Stuart was staring at me? I think he still wants me.
RossOh my God!
MonicaJust go do it.
RossAll right, wait here. (Goes to get it, but before he gets there Aunt Millie sits down on it forcing him to pull it out from behind her which gets her attention.)
Aunt MillieHi sweetie! Are you leaving?
Aunt MillieGive us a kiss. Come on! Come on!
(Ross hesitates then leans down trying to get her to kiss his cheek, but she moves his head around and kisses him on the lips again.)
RossWhy?! Why on the lips?! (He wipes his mouth on Monica's wrap and walks off, leaving Aunt Millie stunned.)

Written by Shana Goldberg-Meehan; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with help from Aaron Howard-Miller; Added text by George Nanakis, Minor adjustments by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp