Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to move Joey's chair and not having much luck at it as Joey enters.
JoeyWhat're you doing?
RachelWell, you know, I was thinking of moving the couch over here.
Joey(laughs) Why would you wanna do that?
RachelSo that there will be a decent place for me to sit.
JoeyRach, there is a decent place...
RachelAnd your lap does not count! Ok? Come on help me move this.
JoeyNo. No. No.
JoeyNo. Rosita does not move.
RachelI'm sorry, Rosita? As in...
JoeyAs in Rosita does not move.
RachelJoey, it's just a chair! What's the big deal?
JoeyThe big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it's at the perfect angle so you don't get any glare coming off Stevie.
RachelStevie the TV?
Joey(glaring at her) Is there a problem?
RachelNo! (Joey sets his beer and bag of chips down and heads into his room.) Oh what 's he know! Come on Rosita, us chickas gotta stick together! (She tries pulling on the back of the chair, until the hinge breaks and the back falls off.) You bitch!
Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are on the couch talking. Phoebe is getting coffee.
RossHey, you know what's weird? After you guys get married, when you introduce me to people you're gonna have to say, "This is my brother-in-law, Ross." Not, "My friend Ross," "brother-in-law Ross." That's weird isn't it?
ChandlerCouldn't I just say, "This is Ross?"
Ross(disappointed) Sure, do whatever you want.
(Phoebe sits down between Chandler and Ross.)
Monica(entering, carrying a newspaper) Hey Ross! So, I was checking out the uh, real estate section...
MonicaLook at this. (Hands him the newspaper.)
RossOh, it looks like mom and dad's house. Oh, it even has a tree with a broken limb out front and the uh, the window in the attic... Oh my God!
PhoebeWhat? What happened to the window in the attic?!
MonicaI can't believe mom and dad are selling the house!
RossI can't believe they-they didn't even tell us!
PhoebeI can't believe I still don't know what happened to the window in the attic!
(Ross calls his parents on his cell phone.)
Ross(on phone) Uh, hello dad! Monica and I just saw the house in the paper! (Listens) Yes we're surprised! (Listens) Who did you leave a message with?
Chandler(knocking on the window while outside) Sorry! (Runs off.)
Joey and Rachel's, Joey is examining the injury to Rosita while Rachel is apologizing to him.
RachelJoey, Joey, I am so sorry.
JoeyI told you not to move it! Rach, how would you feel if say, I wanted to move you mom, ok? and you said don't, and I did it anyway and her head fell off?
RachelOk, come on, Joey, I'll buy you a new one! All right? We'll go down to the store right now and we'll-we'll get you a new chair.
Joey(slowly turning and glaring at her) She's not even cold yet!
RachelBut don't you think uh Rosita would've wanted you to move on? I mean, you know, she did always put... your comfort first.
(Rachel turns for the door and makes the "Wow!" face.)
Rachel(grabbing her coat) Ok? You ready?
JoeyYeah, I... (Shuts off the TV.) I don't want Stevie to see her like this.
Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Monica are still going on about the house.
RossI can't believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in. Man, some-some stranger's gonna be living in my room.
MonicaWell, after 15 years of mom and dad keeping it as a shrine to you, it's time the velvet ropes came down.
RossThey kept your room for a while.
MonicaOh please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out! I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria's Secret catalogues, not a gym!
RossCome on, you know they love you.
MonicaAs much as they love you?
RossI was their first-born! They thought she was barren! It's not my fault.
PhoebeUgh, I hate this year!
RossWhat's wrong with this year?
PhoebeWell ok, it's already February and I've only given two massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world!
MonicaThat was me and Ross.
PhoebeOh that's right!
RossHey, you know, if you wanna pick up some extra cash? Some friends of mine made good money in college doing uh telemarketing.
MonicaOh that's a great idea. You're really good on the phone.
PhoebeYeah, and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had. You know, I probably wouldn't have to say spank as much. (Monica and Ross are shocked.)
PhoebeOh yeah, like you never called!
The telemarketing office, Phoebe is getting shown to her desk by the supervisor.
SupervisorSo basically this is very easy. You read from the script and you try to sell as much toner as you possibly can.
PhoebeOk, I can do that! Oh, by the way, I love my office.
Supervisor(laughs) Why don't we do a trial run.
PhoebeOh ok. Umm, all right. (Picks up the phone and starts reading from the script.) Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please?
SupervisorI'm the supply manager.
PhoebeUmm, ok I would like to talk to you about your toner needs.
SupervisorWe don't need any toner.
PhoebeOh ok, well I'm sorry to bother you. Bye-bye. (Hangs up the phone.) Yeah you're right, this is easy.
SupervisorOk, what was wrong with that call?
PhoebeOh well, all right... um, no offense, but you were kinda rude.
SupervisorThey're always gonna tell you they don't need toner, but that's ok. Because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in this script.
SupervisorSo, I think you're ready to sell toner, do you have any last questions?
PhoebeNo. (Pause) Oh wait yes! I do, I do have one question. What is toner?
Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is entering.
ChandlerJoey! Joe! (Sees that he's not here and starts investigating. He picks up the bag of chips.) Full bag. (He picks up the beer.) Beer's still cold. Something terrible must've happened here! (He decides it's not that important; sits down on Rosita, and the back falls off causing him to flip over.) Oh no-no-no-no-no-no! (Runs over to Stevie.) Stevie, I was never here! (Runs out.)
Ross and Monica's parent's garage, Ross and Monica are arriving to go through their things. Mr. Geller is in the garage.
Mr. GellerI'm here!
Ross(entering with Monica) Hey!
Mr. GellerHi. God, it seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work.
RossDad, we-we can't believe you're selling the house.
Mr. GellerWell, it's time for a new family to start their memories here and hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling.
Ross(To Monica) Just grab our stuff, get the hell out of here.
Mr. GellerI'm sorry we can't store your childhood things anymore.
MonicaOh, that's ok, I can't wait to see everything again! All of the memories...
Mr. GellerWell, I don't know what's in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
MonicaI used to love to play restaurant.
RossYeah, not as much as you used to love to play uncooked batter eater.
MonicaHey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies! (She goes to the attic.)
Mr. GellerSo, I think your boxes are over here. (They walk over to them.)
RossWow! Great! (Finds a pack of cigarettes.) Wait, dad, who-whose cigarettes are these?
Mr. GellerI don't know. They-they must be your mother's, but please, please don't ask her. I'll throw these away. (He puts them in his pocket as Ross finds something of interest in one of his boxes.)
RossCool! Dad! My report cards! Hey, check this out dad, (reading his grades) Math, A. Science, A. History, A. Gym... (He puts it away and finds something else.) Ooh, my rock polisher!
Mr. GellerOh look, look there's your old makeup kit!
RossIt's a clown kit! Clown kit!
Mr. GellerWell the white seems to be untouched. (He throws it back into the box as Mr. Geller moves a tarp and makes a discovery.) Uh-oh.
Mr. GellerYou know how the garage floods every spring?
RossHow are you ever gonna sell this place?
Mr. GellerI think I accidentally used Monica's boxes to keep the water away from the Porsche.
RossOh no. Dad! Dad! What... (He goes to open one of her boxes and it rips apart.) Oh God... everything's ruined! Dad, she's gonna be crushed!
Mr. GellerYou don't secretly smoke do you?
Mr. GellerSo it's just your mother then.
The telemarketing office, Phoebe is hard at work.
Phoebe(on phone) Hi, this is Phoebe, from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? (Listens) Earl, thanks. (Listens) Hi Earl, this is Phoebe, from Empire Office Supplies I'd like to talk to you about your toner needs. (She's reading from the script.)
[Cut to Earl's office, who is played by Jason Alexander, George from Seinfeld. They cut back and forth between Phoebe's and Earl's offices with each of their lines.]
EarlI don't need any toner.
PhoebeI'm hearing what you're saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner.
PhoebeMay I ask why?
EarlYou wanna know why. You wanna know why?
PhoebeI surely do!
EarlOk, I don't need any toner because I'm gonna kill myself.
(Phoebe desperately tries to find the scripted response to that line.)
Phoebe(doesn't have any luck) Umm, is-is that because you're out of toner?
The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still talking to Earl.
EarlOk, so... no toner today. Thanks anyway, bye-bye.
PhoebeNo-no wait-wait! I can't just let you hang up! Just please talk to me.
EarlWell... I only have one thing to do today. (He looks at his board in his office that reads, "Today's Tasks: KILL SELF.") I guess I could push it back.
PhoebeYeah! Now, why do you wanna kill yourself?
EarlIt's just that I, I've been working for ten years now at this meaningless, dead-end job and nobody here even knows that I exist!
PhoebeNo. Oh. Look, I-I'm sure that people know you exist!
EarlOh yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by people. I've been talking to you for five minutes now about killing myself and no one's even looked up from their desk. Hang-hang on. (To the people standing around his cubicle.) Hey everybody! Uh, I'm gonna kill myself! (There's no response; no one even looks up.) I'll get back to you. (To Phoebe) I got nothing. Wait. (He sets the phone down.) Uh, hey Marge! (Mimes putting a gun to his head, pulling the trigger, and splattering his brain on the wall behind him. Then points to himself. Marge watches this, then goes back to work.) (To Phoebe) Ehh, nothing. Nothing.
Joey and Rachel's, Chandler has replaced Rosita with his chair.
ChandlerGood chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! (He runs out the door, grabs the back of Rosita, and we can hear Joey and Rachel talking as they are coming up the stairs. Neither of them have reached the landing yet.)
RachelYou will like it!
JoeyNo I won't.
(Chandler runs to check on them coming up the stairs.)
RachelYou don't even know!
JoeyBecause, I know what I like and what I don't like! It's not the same thing!
(Chandler throws the back of Rosita into his apartment and quickly starts pushing the base into his apartment.)
RachelJoey you didn't even sit in it. I'm telling you it's such a nice chair.
JoeyI feel bad sitting in it so soon.
(Joey and Rachel reach the landing just as Chandler closes the door.)
RachelCome on Joey, I just bought you a new chair! The most expensive one in the store! Hey, you know what I was thinking? We could name her Francette.
JoeyFrancette? What is she? A couch?
(They enter their apartment.)
JoeyPoor thing. Cut down in her prime.
RachelJoey, the new chair will be here in an hour. Maybe we should actually move Rosita out of here. You know, start the healing process?
JoeyWell, I guess you're right. Maybe, maybe I'll take her down to the incinerator. It's gonna be so sad, and kinda cool. (He goes to remove the back, but it doesn't come off. So he sits down in it, puts his feet up, stands up, and looks back at it.) She's healed!
JoeyNo it's not weird, it's a miracle!
RachelIt's not a miracle Joey! I'm sure there's some explanation.
JoeyOh there is! If you want something enough and your heart is pure, wondrous things can happen!
RachelJoey, I really don't...
Joey(interrupting her) Can you tell me how this happened?
RachelNo, you know what? Maybe somebody came in here and fixed it! Or something!
JoeySomeone like an... angel?
RachelThat's right Joey, the chair angel came in and healed your chair. (She sits down in the chair.) Please.
Joey(angrily) Get your non-believer ass outta my chair! (She gets up and heads for her room.)
The Geller's Garage, continued from earlier. Ross and Mr. Geller are still deciding what to do.
Mr. GellerWell, she'll understand right? It's not like I did it on purpose.
RossDad that won't matter to her. Look, all my stuff is safe and dry and all her stuff is-is, is growing new stuff! See, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes her think you guys love me more than you love her.
Mr. GellerOh my God, does she really think that?
RossWell, can you blame her?
Mr. GellerWell I don't know, I-I suppose we may have favored you unconsciously, you were a medical marvel! The doctor said your mother could...
RossDad, dad I don't wanna hear about it.
RossWell, not right now. Ok look, Monica came here for some memories and damn it, we're gonna give her some! Ok, grab... grab some empty boxes. Ok? We'll-we'll take stuff from mine and whatever we can pass off as hers, we'll-we'll put 'em in there.
RossLike uh, you know, like this! This! (He picks up one of those art projects that kids make in kindergarten and first grade.) She-she could've made this!
RossRight? And, and this! (He picks up a trophy) She-she could've won this!
Mr. Geller(grabbing a glove) This could've been hers!
RossSure! Ooh, here, what-what about this?
Mr. GellerYour make-up kit? I'd feel better.
(Ross angrily throws the kit into one of Monica's new boxes.)
Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting the now healed Rosita as Rachel is sitting in the newly arrived Francette. Francette is one of those new chairs from La-Z-Boy that has and does everything except cook and go to the bathroom for you. It's got a small refrigerator under one armrest, it has phone jacks for the Internet and regular phone, and so much more.
Rachel(grabbing a beer out of the chair's fridge) I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself!
JoeyYeah, me too. (He flips up his armrest in disgust.)
RachelHey, how's... how's the uh, miracle chair?
RachelYea-oh? Wow! You know, that this thing has speakers in the headrest!
RachelYeah! You can hook it up to your TV and you get radio!
Joey(quietly) My chair heals itself.
The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still trying to talk Earl out of suicide.
PhoebeEarl, you're not hearing me! All I'm saying is that you're not alone all right? Everybody hates the people they work with! (One of her coworkers overhears that, and she mimes that she didn't mean him.
Guy(walking past Earl's desk) Hey guy!
PhoebeWait, what was that? That sounded like someone being nice to you.
EarlNo! That's just the "Hey Guy" guy. He says that to everybody! He's the worst! I'd like to take him with me!
PhoebeAll right, so Earl, let's just forget about the people at the office, ok? There-there's gotta be someone else in your life that's worth sticking around for! What about-what about your family, your friends, or maybe your girlfriend?
Earl(laughs) Yeah! Right!
PhoebeOh sorry, boyfriend!
PhoebeNo, whatever! Anything!
The "Hey Guy" GuyHey guy!
PhoebeYeah, he's gotta go.
EarlOk, I should, I should probably be getting back to my thing now. See ya. (Hangs up.)
PhoebeNo! I'm not finished yet! Don't! Don't you dare hang up on me!
Supervisor(walking by and overhearing that) (to the rest of the staff) The new girl's good.
The Geller's Garage, Mr. Geller and Ross are finishing up recreating Monica's memories as Monica enters.
MonicaHey guys! Hey!
MonicaHey, I just whipped us up some Easy Bake treats, they should be ready in about three days.
Mr. Geller(overacting) That's a good one! You hear that Ross? Three days!
Ross(overacting as well) Yeah! Yeah! (Laughs.) Oh, this will make a great memory.
Monica(wary) Ok. So, which boxes are mine?
RossOh, these. These are yours right here. (Pointing to the boxes they just created for her.)
MonicaOk. (Starting to go through them) Oh! A coloring book! (Holding it up.)
RossYeah. Yeah, oh you loved that thing. You always had it with you. You never went anywhere without-without that coloring book.
Monica(looking through it) Really? Wow! It looks like I had some trouble staying inside the lines.
RossNah-uh! (Grabs it and examines it.)
Monica(holding up a glove) Oh, an old glove?
Mr. GellerOh, yeah you loved that glove! You took it every place you went. You never went any place without that glove.
MonicaWow! Look at this! (Picking up a shirt.) I can't believe I even fit into this shirt! (She holds it up and it reads: Tyrannosaurus Ross.) (She turns it around and looks at it.) Oh, this is yours. (Hands it to Ross.)
RossOh, I don't know how that got in there.
Monica(holding up a small cowboy hat) This isn't mine. (Sets it down and looks at the rest of the boxes.) Hey, this isn't, this isn't my stuff! Ugh, Ross! (Grabs and holds up a doll.) These are your boxes! Where are my boxes?
RossUmm, your boxes are umm...
Mr. GellerWell, the garage flooded sweetie and it ruined everything in your boxes. I'm sorry.
Mr. GellerI'm afraid so.
MonicaSo why-why wasn't Ross's stuff ruined? (Pause) And if you say the words medical marvel I'm going to Easy Bake your head!
Mr. GellerWell, I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche.
MonicaSo wait, Ross's stuff is fine, but I have no memories because you wanted to keep the bottom two inches of your car away from water?!
Mr. GellerThere was also leaves and gooken stuff.
MonicaI can't believe this! (Storms out.)
Mr. Geller(To Ross) Screw it! I'm having one. (Takes out and lights a cigarette.)
Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is writing a letter by the bay window as Rachel enters.
RachelHow would you like to sit in a chair that fully reclines, has a rolling massage, and speakers in the head rest?
ChandlerYeah, I'd love to but I've tried that so many times they won't even let me in the store anymore.
RachelWell what if I told you, that you could do it in my apartment?
Chandler(excitedly) Are you telling me, that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called Chair of the Year?
RachelI just purchased the Lazyboy E-cliner 3000.
ChandlerThat's awesome! That's great! What made you do it?!
RachelWell, it's a long story, but umm I broke Joey's chair...
ChandlerWhoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joey's chair?
ChandlerI thought I broke Joey's chair! That's why I replaced it with mine!
RachelOhhhhh. That's how it got fixed!
ChandlerWell, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it?
RachelNoo! (Laughs) Angels.
ChandlerI'm getting my chair back! (Heads for Joey and Rachel's.)
(They enter Joey and Rachel's to find that Joey has broken Chandler's chair.)
JoeyWell, looks like it wasn't healed after all! Yeah! So, I guess this chair is mine now! (Sits down in it and groans.)
ChandlerJoey you broke my chair!
RachelYeah, he thought he broke your chair so he switched the chairs!
JoeySo, there was no miracle?!
RachelNo Joe, no miracle.
Joey(sarcastic) Oh no, this is devastating! My faith is shaken. I'm so glad I have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life.
RachelUh-uh! Nice try, but you don't get that chair anymore! All right? That is my chair now! You can sit on my lap! (Joey starts to get up.) No I take that back!
ChandlerI think I should get the chair!
(Rachel and Joey both laugh at that suggestion.)
JoeyHow do you figure?
ChandlerBecause you (Points to Joey) broke a chair and you (Points to Rachel) broke a chair! The only one here that hasn't broke a chair, is me!
RachelNo-no-no! This chair's not going anywhere.
ChandlerWhere's the logic in that?!
RachelThe logic, is, that there are two of us and we are both strong enough to break a chair in half!
ChandlerSo Joey breaks my chair, and I get nothing!
(Joey whispers in Rachel's ear to confirm his response.)
ChandlerWhat are you guys? Like a gang or something?!
(They confer again.)
JoeyYeah! We are!
(Rachel whispers in Joey's ear.)
RachelWe're the Cobras!
Earl's Office, Earl has his head in his hands as Phoebe enters.
Phoebe(to Marge) Excuse me! Could you tell me where I can find Earl? He's the supply manager here.
MargeSorry, I don't know any Earl.
Earl(screaming) I'm right here!
Phoebe(goes over to his desk) Earl! I'm Phoebe.
EarlPhoebe? The lady who sells toner?
PhoebeUmm, look, you-you can't kill yourself.
Earl(exhales) Look, um, I really appreciate you coming down...
PhoebeNo-no I can't! I can't let you do it!
PhoebeBecause it was fate that made me call you today!
EarlI thought it was toner.
PhoebeNo! Think about it ok? This isn't even my regular job! Ok? And my first day on the job, you're my first call! And-and somebody else might've hung up on you, but I wouldn't do that because I know about this stuff. My mom killed herself.
PhoebeI'm not gonna give you tips! Look, don't you see that this-this...this all came together so that I could stop you from doing this.
EarlCouldn't it just be a coincidence?
PhoebeNo, it's fate!
EarlIt doesn't really seem like enough to be fate.
PhoebeOh. Well, umm, ok here's a weird thing. My mother was also a supply manager.
EarlI'm actually the office manager.
PhoebeOh my God! So was she! And! Get this, ok? Your-your name is Earl, right? Her name was Pearl, P-Earl.
EarlWell, was there anything else?!
PhoebeSure! (Thinks.) Umm, where are you from?
PhoebeOh my God! So was she! So, I've got-I've got goose- I've got goose bumps. (She holds out her arm.)
Earl(inspecting it) Really?
PhoebeWell, you know I'm wearing layers and it's warm. So-
PhoebeBut if you look, ok. These jerks might not care about you, but the universe does! And that says a lot!
Earl(To All) Did you hear that?! I don't need you guys to care about me! Because the universe cares! The whole universe! (Laughs as everyone ignores him.) (To Phoebe) I really wished they'd care just a little bit.
PhoebeYou know, I don't-I don't think it's you. This is a freaky place. (To All) Hey! Guys! (Everyone looks up.) (To Earl) Oh no, it's you.
The Geller's Garage, Monica is picking through her ruined childhood heirlooms with Ross.
MonicaOh, this is terrible! Everything is destroyed! Look at this. (She picks up some kind of furry thing.) It obviously meant enough for me to save it, and I don't even know what it is! Ohh, it's still soft. (She rubs it against her cheek.) What do you think this is?
RossAll right. I think it was a mouse.
(Monica screams, throws the mouse down, and rubs her hands on Ross's sweater to clean them.)
Mr. Geller(entering) How are you honey?
MonicaHow do you think I am?! You've wrecked all my childhood memories. You love Ross more than me. And I just rubbed a dead mouse on my face!
(Ross gets up to let his dad sit next to Monica.)
Mr. GellerSweetheart, we love you just as much as Ross! Now, I'm sorry about everything that happened and I'll probably never be able to make it up to you, but, here's a start. (He hands her a small box.)
Monica(opening it) What's this?
Mr. GellerIt's the key to my Porsche. Well, the key to your Porsche.
Ross(even more shocked) What?!
Mr. GellerI've been thinking of getting rid of it. I was driving it the other day and saw my reflection in a store window. Your mother's right, I do look like an ass.
MonicaWait, you're giving me your Porsche, you're kidding me right?!
RossWell w-w-w-w-wait, w-wait, wait, wait a minute! I mean a couple of stupid boxes get wet and she gets a Porsche?!
Mr. Geller(To Monica) Why don't we take it for a spin?
RossWh-, what about me?! I'm a medical marvel!
Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in Joey's lap on Francette, and they're both groaning.
JoeyAhhh...... (To Rachel) Eh?
Monica(entering) Hey guys!
MonicaDo you know what happened to Chandler's Barcalounger?
RachelOh yeah, Joey broke it. Had to get rid of it.
MonicaAre you kidding?! I get a Porsche and the Barcalounger's gone?! This is the best day ever! (Runs out.)
Teleplay by Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones; Story by Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer; Originally transcribed by Eric Aasen; Annotated by ncp