Joey and Rachel's, Joey is knocking on Rachel's door, whose door frame is decorated with balloons. The rest of the gang is there as well. Rachel opens the door and the gang blow on noisemakers. RossHappy birthday!
MonicaHappy birthday!
(Rachel glares at them and goes back into her room, closing her door.)
AllRach! Come on! Rach!
MonicaIt's your birthday!
Tag(entering from her room) Hey.
Chandler(To Monica) She's not as pretty as she was when she was 29.
TagMs. Green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out. She would appreciate it if you don't use the words old or downhill or (To Joey) they still look pretty damn good. (Joey smiles and everyone glares at him.)
JoeyThey do!
PhoebeRachel! Come on out! Monica made breakfast!
MonicaChocolate-chip pancakes!
(There is no response from Rachel as Joey blows his party noise maker.)
RossWe've got presents!
(She opens the door.)
RachelGood ones?
MonicaThey all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago.
RachelWell, can I keep the presents and still be 29?
JoeyCome on, Rach! Look, turning thirty is not that big a deal.
RossOh really? Is that how you felt when you turned thirty?
[Flashback to Joey's thirtieth birthday party. It is being held in Monica and Chandler's apartment.]
Joey(screaming) Why? God, Why? We had a deal! Let the others grow old! Not me! (He buries his head in Phoebe's lap for comfort.)
[Cut back to Rachel's party, everyone is now eating breakfast, except Rachel.]
RachelYou know, I'm still 29 in Guam.
RossHey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how old the Earth is?
RachelLate thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to this?
ChandlerNo Rach, it's not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly wasn't that much fun.
[Flashback to Chandler's thirtieth birthday party. It is also being held in Monica and his apartment. He is about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake.]
Joey(screaming) And now Chandler! We're all getting so old! (Looking up) Why are you doing this to us?! (Turns away crying.) Joey and Rachel's, breakfast is finished but Rachel's still down. MonicaRach, you're in a great place in your life. I mean come on, you've an amazing job, good friends...
JoeyYeah, your roommate is a soap opera star.
RachelYour character's in a coma.
JoeyI promised myself I wasn't gonna cry at this one.
RachelLook, you know I know my life's going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people who've accomplished so many other goals by the time they're thirty.
PhoebeYeah, but you shouldn't compare yourself to me.
[Flashback to the Street in front of Central Perk, Ross and Joey are holding a yellow tape across the road and everyone is cheering Phoebe as she bounces around the corner on a hippity hop.]
AllCome on! You can do it baby! Come on!
RachelThere you go!
(She crosses the line and they all cheer again.)
PhoebeI did it! One mile on a hippity hop! That's it! That's everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. Oh well, but yay! (They all cheer again.) And-and girls this thing is a godsend if you know what I mean. (Rachel and Monica look intrigued and as they all head into Central Perk, Rachel picks up the hippity hop that Phoebe left behind.) Joey and Rachel's, continued from earlier. RachelThirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, you remember mean, old Mrs. Kreeger in the fifth grade? She was thirty!
TagLet's have some fun. Huh? (To Rachel) What do you wanna do today?
RachelNothing. I don't wanna do anything.
MonicaWell, doing nothing on your thirtieth is better than doing something stupid, like Ross.
RossHey! That was a practical purchase! I needed that car for transportation! Ok? I-I have a child!
[Flashback to a street, Ross is sitting in his newly purchased MGB.]
RossHow hot do I look in this, uh?!
ChandlerRoss, a sports car? Wouldn't it've been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
RossThat's not what this is about, ok? I-I am a sports car enthusiast. I have always been into cars.
JoeyHey, what's the horsepower on this thing?
Ross(giddy) I don't know, but-but look how shiny!
MonicaI can't believe you bought this.
RachelReally! God Ross, what were you thinking? (To Phoebe, quietly) I know it's really shallow, but a part of me wants him again.
PhoebeOh, well get in line missy. (To Ross) So, can I have a ride stud?
RossUh. Hop in. (Phoebe hops in.) Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life.
(He starts the car and surprisingly it fires right up and comes to a nice idle. (Both can be rarities with British sports cars with their lovely Lucas ignition systems, which tend not to work especially in the rain.) Anyway, this being New York he is parallel parked on a street with the car in front of him only inches ahead of his bumper, likewise with the car behind him. He's completely boxed in and can't move more than two inches. He tries to get out several times by bumping the bumpers of both cars to no avail.)
RossDamn it! (Shuts the car off.)
Phoebe(getting out) Ok, who's next? Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is pouring Rachel some coffee. RachelYou know what? I am gonna do something today. I'm not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I'm gonna get something pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something.
PhoebeReally?! 'Cause you know that hurts.
RachelSo what?! You know what? The way I see it- (Phoebe pinches the back of her head) Ow! Son of a bitch!
TagLook Rachel, I know what you're going through. I'm totally freaked out about turning 25.
Rachel(glares at him) Get out, get out of my apartment.
MonicaAll right Rach, for what it's worth, I think that you're doing great. I mean, you know let's face it, no one handles this well.
PhoebeLeast of all you.
TagWhy? What'd you do?
MonicaWeren't you asked to leave sonny?
[Flashback to Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing his tie.]
Chandler(To Joey) Would you put that back on?! Monica's gonna be here any minute!
JoeyBut it hurt's my Joey's Apple.
Chandler(frustrated) Ok, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man.
(Joey walks away and Mr. and Mrs. Geller walk up. Mr. Geller is wearing this ancient velvet tuxedo.)
Mrs. Geller(To Chandler) You've done a wonderful job with this party Chandler. Everything looks so lovely.
ChandlerOh, well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can't believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I can't believe that you would have a tux that's thirty years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Geller's shoulder.)
Mr. GellerIt's older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo.
ChandlerOhh! (He quickly removes his hand and looks at it.)
Rachel(entering) Hey! Everybody hide! Hide! I saw her! She's coming!
ChandlerOk! Ok! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.)
Mr. GellerCrap.
(We hear some fumbling at the door, then silence.)
Chandler(getting up to investigate) Ok, everybody stay here. I will find out what's going on.
(He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and Rachel's door.)
MonicaHeyyy! You got the door open! (Giggles.)
ChandlerHey-hey are you drunk?
MonicaNooo! (Giggles) Ok. (She tries to pull herself up by Rachel and Joey's doorknob, but the door opens and she almost falls into the their apartment. She manages to catch herself.) Whoa! (Stands up, unsteadily) Ok. See I was, I was a little nervous about turning (whispering) thirty. (Giggles.) So, the bus boys took me out for some drinks. (Pause) I wanna puke on you later!
ChandlerOk, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents!
MonicaOh no! My parents have never seen me drunk! (Pause) That they know of.
ChandlerOk, here's the thing. We're gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you're drunk.
MonicaReally?! You promise?
ChandlerYeah, I'll take care of it.
MonicaOk. I love you so much. (Kisses him.)
Chandler(laughing) Ok we have to do something about your breath.
MonicaWhat about your breath?! (Breathes on him.)
ChandlerThat's still yours. Ok, now remember it's a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised.
ChandlerOk. Ready?
(Chandler opens the door and Monica sneaks up on it. They go inside.)
(Monica screams and they all stare at her.) Ross's birthday, Joey is now trying to get his car out while Ross is directing him. RossOk, forward. Forward- Stop! (The car moves an inch and Ross runs to the back of the car.) Ok, back- Stop! (The car barely moves and Ross runs back to the front.) Ok, forward- Stop! Stop! Stop!
MonicaRoss, just forget about it. The guys got you totally wedged in.
(A beautiful woman approaches.)
Woman(To Joey) Is this yours?
JoeyWell, actually...
RossNo-no-no! It's mine! It's-it's mine. (The woman walks away.)
JoeyDude, you soo need this car.
Phoebe(running up) Ok. Ok, here's what we're gonna do. Ok, I'm gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of the spot. Ok? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass! (Runs off.)
(The rest of the gang runs away, except for Ross who's trapped inside his car. To hide he puts the top up as Monica, Rachel, and Joey come running past.) Phoebe's birthday, she's taking the hippity hop to Ursula's apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it. PhoebeHappy thirtieth birthday! Here! (Hands her the hippity hop.) It's for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth!
UrsulaRight, why do you keep saying that?
PhoebeBecause it's our thirtieth birthday.
UrsulaYeah, no, we're not thirty. We're 31. Ok. (She closes the door.)
PhoebeWait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
UrsulaOh, it's you.
PhoebeYeah. What?!
UrsulaYeah, we're not thirty, we're 31.
UrsulaYeah-huh! That's what says on my birth certificate.
PhoebeYou have your birth certificate?
UrsulaYeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
PhoebeOur mom.
Ursula(sarcastic) Right! Ok. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.)
PhoebeDo you have my birth certificate?
UrsulaNo, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Phoebe(reading the certificate) Oh my God! Oh my God, we are 31.
PhoebeI just lost a whole year of my life.
Ursula(sarcastic) Ok.
PhoebeYour middle name is Pamela?
PhoebeWell, I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is?
UrsulaYes! Phoebe.
PhoebeThat's my first name.
UrsulaRight, ok, then no. Monica's birthday, it's just after the surprise. ChandlerOk look at that we made it all the way across the room. You're doing great.
(Phoebe approaches as they almost get to their room.)
PhoebeWhat's going on?
ChandlerMonica's a little drunk.
PhoebeYay! I love drunk Monica. Oh, she's so much more fun than regular Monica.
ChandlerShe doesn't want her parents to know she's drunk.
PhoebeOhh, all right, all right. Here's what we'll do: I'll get twice as drunk as Monica, and no one is even gonna notice her.
ChandlerDrunk Phoebe is mean.
PhoebeOk, you watch your tongue with me!
Ross, Rachel and JoeyWhat's going on?
ChandlerUh, Monica is wasted.
RossMaybe that will liven up this party.
ChandlerOk, will you just go help her get changed please?
RachelOk, but taking care of a drunk naked woman seems like a job for Joey.
JoeyYep. (Starts for Monica's room, but Chandler stops him.) Rachel's birthday, everyone is presenting their presents to Rachel. Tag(handing his to her) This one's from me.
TagIt wasn't on your list, but hopefully you'll think it's really fun.
Rachel(opening it) A scooter! (She's not happy.)
Ross(to Tag) Stick to the list. Always stick to the list.
RachelNo! No-no, I love it. Thank you. (Kisses him.)
ChandlerOk, open ours next. Open ours next!
JoeyNow you're a couple, we don't get two presents from you guys?
ChandlerFor my last birthday you gave me a hug! (To Rachel) Ok, read the card! Read the card!
RachelOk. (Opens the card and reads it.) Happy birthday grandma! It's better to be over the hill (starting to cry) than buried under it. (Breaks down as everyone glares at them.) All our love Monica and Chandler. (Crying) That's funny, yeah!
ChandlerNo-no-no-no! That was the joke!
Rachel(crying) No, I know! I get it! It's funny!
ChandlerNo, because you're not a grandmother!
RachelNo I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don't have any of those things. That's why it's so funny. I'm just gonna go... (Runs into her room crying.)
MonicaAll you had to do was buy the card! Rachel's birthday, a time lapse has occurred. Rachel is coming back into the living room carrying a notepad. RossHey! Look who's back! It's the birthday girl! How's the birthday girl feeling?
RachelWell, I feel fine, but I think you're bumming out the rest of the kids.
RossWhat? (Glances over and sees the faces of the rest of the group, then goes and sits down.)
RachelOk! You know what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids...
PhoebeOh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother.
RachelAs I was saying... I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I'm 35. Right? excuse me, five years.
Ross(thinking it's a good idea) Oh!
RachelI love this plan! I wanna marry this plan!
PhoebeIf you could do that, I'd marry the hippity hop.
RachelSo, if I wanna have my kid when I'm 35, I don't have to get pregnant until I'm 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do wanna be married for a year before I get pregnant...
MonicaReally! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.) (To Chandler) Look all you want, it's happening!
RachelNo, so I don't have to get married until I'm 33! That's three years, that's three whole years- Oh, wait a minute though. I'll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I'd like to know the guy for like a year, a year and a half before we get engaged... Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I'm thirty.
RossWhich is fine! Because you just turned- (Removes two candles from the cake) twenty-eight!
RachelNo! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should already be with the guy that I'm gonna marry!
(We hear Tag scream out in the hallway and jump into view of the open door on the scooter. He gives a hearty thumbs up to the group and rides off, with Joey following breathlessly behind.)
JoeyWill you quit hogging it! Monica's birthday, Monica is now dressed and is being helped out by Chandler and Rachel. Rachel(To Chandler) I'm telling you it's like watching Bambi learn how to walk.
Ross(To Monica) You're drunk! Mom and dad are gonna be maaad! Maybe I'm a little drunk.
(Monica sits down on the Barcalounger.)
Joey(to the waiter) Hey! Are those crab cakes? (The waiter nods) Did I not tell you to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?
Chandler(To Monica) How are you feeling?
MonicaYou are so handsome! I wanna make love to you right here, right now! (Growls and pulls him into a kiss.)
RossI really wish that you wouldn't. (Laughs and leans to a girl on the couch.)
Chandler(To Monica) Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, ok? Then we can put you in bed, ok? Just smile and don't talk to anyone.
Phoebe(clinking two glasses together) Speech! Speech! Let's hear from the birthday girl! Huh?
PhoebeDon't you see? Everybody's looking at me! The plan's working! I didn't even have to take off my top yet!
Mrs. GellerSpeech! Come on Monica!
RossCome on!
AllCome on! Speech!
(Monica stands up and wobbles slightly and Chandler runs over to catch her.)
Mr. Geller(filming this) Hey Chandler, you can't keep your hands off her for one second!
Mrs. GellerOh-ho, I think it's nice.
ChandlerI think it's necessary. (Backs away anyhow.)
MonicaI-I-I wanna thank you all for coming. My family and my friends...
Phoebe(screaming) Wooo! Hoo!
MonicaI really like to say that I'm-um... (Pause) You know what I'd really like to say? I'm drunk! (Mrs. Geller pulls the camera down.) That's right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered! (Ross grabs the camera out of his dad's hands.) And guess what, I've been drunk before! And I've smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! It's all ok. It's ok, because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown-up. (Falls over sideways with Ross filming the fall.)
Phoebe(To Joey) Ok quick, help me get this off! (Motions to her top.)
(Ross pans the camera over to Phoebe.) Phoebe's birthday, she's telling everyone what she found out at Ursula's while sitting in Central Perk. PhoebeI lost a whole year! I can't believe it! This is so unfair!
JoeyOh, Pheebs, It'll be ok.
PhoebeWill it? Will it?! I mean, how would you feel if you found out you were 31?
JoeyThat's not gonna happen. No. (Looks up) Because we have a new deal!
PhoebePlus, it totally ruined my schedule! I... I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31!
JoeyLike what?
PhoebeLike ok I-I-I, I haven't met any Portuguese people! I, I haven't had the perfect kiss! And I haven't been to sniper school!
MonicaPhoebe, you know why don't we just go upstairs and have some birthday cake?
PhoebeNo, I just feel like being by myself for a while. All right? I'll see you guys later. Thanks. (Gets up and exits.)
RachelOk. (After she leaves.) Oh, poor Pheebs.
JoeyHey, you know what, you guys? I think I'm gonna go walk her home. (Gets up and runs out.)
MonicaOh man!
MonicaHe's gonna eat the cake!
[Cut outside, Joey is catching up with Phoebe.]
JoeyPheebs! Wait up! (She stops.) Listen, uh, close your eyes. (She does so and Joey passionately kisses her.) Maybe that's one thing you can cross off your list.
PhoebeOh yeah.
(Joey starts to walk away, but stops.)
JoeyOh, and plus I'm 1/16th Portuguese.
PhoebeOh! (Phoebe walks away smiling.) Ross's birthday, his car is still trapped in its spot. Now Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are at the front of the car with Monica, Rachel, and Chandler at the rear of the car. RossOk, is everybody clear? We're going to pick it up... and move it. Now all we need is teamwork, ok? We're gonna lift the car... and slide it out. Lift and slide!
RachelRoss, I really don't think...
Ross(interrupting her) Lift!! And slide!
MonicaAll right, come on dogs! Let's lift this sucker! Oh, unless you're scared, little weaklings... scared.
ChandlerGood teamwork! Ok, here we go.
RossAll right everyone, lift! (They try to lift the car, of course it doesn't raise up) And slide! (Everyone leans over, but the car still does not move.) Rachel's birthday, she is coming into the hallway where Joey and Tag are playing with the scooter. RachelHey Joey...
JoeyOh, come on Rach! My turn just started!
RachelActually, I just wanna talk to Tag.
JoeyOh. Ok. Hey, can I ride this outside?
RachelWhatever! Ok, I'm not your mother.
JoeyOk! (Runs off downstairs.)
RachelNot in the street!
Rachel(to Tag) Hi.
TagHow're you doing? Are you feeling any better?
RachelYeah, I'm doing ok. I'm um... let's talk.
TagOk. (They sit on the step.)
Tag'S up?
RachelOhh Tag, umm... you're such a great guy and we have sooo much fun together but I-
TagWait! I think I see where you're going, but before you say anything else, can I just say one more thing? (Kisses her.)
RachelWell said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to, uhh, but, I just think I'm past the point where I can, you know, just have fun.
TagRachel, don't do this. This is just because you're turning thirty.
RachelYeah, it is! But you're just a kid! I mean you, you're 25!
TagTwenty-four actually.
RachelOh God! You know what I wish? I wish you were six years older. Well actually, if I'm wishing for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger.
TagMe too.
RachelYeah, Sorry. (They hug.)
[Time lapse, Rachel is entering her apartment after breaking up with Tag.]
ChandlerHey! How'd it go?
RachelOh, if I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year?
PhoebeYou did the right thing.
Joey(entering, limping, and holding his arm) I don't like this anymore. (He sits down with them in pain.)
ChandlerWell, here we are, just a bunch of thirty-year-olds.
RossOh, do you realize in ten years we're gonna be 40?
Joey(crying) Why, God?! Why are you doing this to us?! (He buries his head in Ross's shoulder.) Ross's birthday, night has fallen and Joey and Ross are walking by where his car is parked to find that both cars blocking him in have left. RossYes! My baby's finally free!
JoeyAll right! (They run and jump in the car.) Start it up! Let's go!
Ross(starting it) Woohoo!
(Just as they are about to pull away, a big, fat, bald guy pulls up in the exact same car as Ross and stops next to him.)
The Man In The SportscarHow hot are we? (He drives off.)
RossYou wanna buy a car?
(Ross shuts it off and they get out.)

Teleplay by Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer; Story by Vanessa McCarthy; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Annotated by ncp