Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around the table. MonicaSo thanks for coming by guys we just wanted to bounce a few ideas off you about the wedding ceremony.
Rachel(starting to cry) Ohh...
RossWhat's the matter? You ok?
RachelYeah, it's just you know...
Chandler(To Ross) Monica said wedding.
MonicaUh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something at the ceremony.
RachelOh! I would love to read a poem.
ChandlerDo you think you could get through a poem?
Rachel(crying) It'll be a short one.
MonicaOk, so Ross will be doing the reading.
RachelOh...
RossOk. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too.
ChandlerToo?
RossYeah, I kind of uh, have something else planned for you guys.
MonicaDo you mind telling us what it is?
RossSorry, I'm kinda keeping this one on the q.t.
ChandlerWell, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. (Winks in a spy-type manner.)
Joey(entering, excited) Hey!
AllHey!
JoeySo I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and...
MonicaWhat is DOOL?
JoeyDays Of Our Lives. Anyway, you're not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!
AllOh!
ChandlerThat's great!
JoeyAnd-and-and not only that, I'm getting a new brain!
ChandlerSo great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
RachelWait, what do you mean you're getting a new brain?
JoeyOh well, they're killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body.
RossWhat? A brain transplant?!
Joey(seriously) Yes, it's a highly controversial procedure. So-
RossIt's ridiculous!
JoeyWell, I think it's ridiculous that you haven't had sex in three and a half months.
Ross(to Monica and Rachel) It's winter, they are fewer people on the street. (Rachel and Monica smile and nod, knowingly.)
MonicaWho are they killing off?
JoeyUh Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica Lockhart.
Rachel and MonicaNoo!
MonicaShe's my favorite character on DOOL.
JoeyNice.
RachelShe is so good at throwing drinks in people's faces, I mean I don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage.
MonicaAnd the way she slaps all the time!
RachelOh!
MonicaWouldn't you love to do it just once?! (Raises her hand towards Chandler.)
ChandlerDon't do it.
RachelCecilia Monroe, man, what a great actress.
JoeyOh, tell me about it. And she's been on the show forever, it's gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
RossYeah-yeah, help me out here, when you, when you come out of the "brain transplant," you are going to be her?
JoeyYes, but in Drake Remoray's body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist! Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in Central Perk. Phoebe(Clears Throat) Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay?
Rachel(They both look behind them.) Well, I'd have to say gay.
PhoebeYeah? Why?
RachelMainly because he's kissing that other guy.
PhoebeOh no not that guy there. That guy, right there. (Pointing to an attractive man sitting at a table behind them.)
RachelOhh. Oh yeah, he's too cute to be straight.
Phoebe(A woman with large breasts walks in the door) Ohh knockers will help us figure it out. (She walks by and he checks her out.)
RachelAll right, straight, and not subtle. (The man gets up and leaves.)
PhoebeOhh, he left his cell phone.
RachelOh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he'll put it in lost and found.
PhoebeOr we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing.
RachelUh-huh. What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to-to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fell in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.
PhoebeYeah... That does sound great. I'm gonna get the phone. (They both get up.)
RachelWhat? Wait! Why... why do you get the story?
PhoebeI don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long.
RachelPhoebe, you had a date three days ago.
PhoebeThat wasn't a date! That was, that was just friends getting together... (quietly) having sex.
RachelOk. Ok, see? I get the phone.
PhoebeNo way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago.
RachelYeah! (Breaking up) And until now, I didn't think I would love again.
PhoebeNice try.
RachelOh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
PhoebeI don't know.
(They edge closer to the phone on the table.)
RachelWell umm, maybe we could uhh... (Grabs the phone) Ah-ha! Too slow!
(She holds the phone out and starts taunting Phoebe. Phoebe calmingly knocks the phone out of Rachel's hand and catches it.)
PhoebeAh-ha! Too cocky! Silvercup Studios, Joey is watching Jessica Lockhart perform a scene. DinaI'm going to keep dating him mother, and there's nothing you can do about it!
Jessica LockhartOh yes there is!
DinaWhat're you going to do? Kill him? Like you did Charles?!
Jessica Lockhart(gasps) That was an accident! And so were you.
DinaWell, at least I'm not a murderer! (Jessica slaps her.)
Jessica Lockhart(crying) Oh, my baby! (Hugs Dina, but moves Dina's head to her other shoulder so that she's the only one in the picture.)
The DirectorCut!
(Joey walks up to Cecilia Monroe who plays Jessica.)
JoeyThat was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do that?
CeciliaOh, just years of experience.
Dina(crying) Can I get some ice here?!
JoeyOh anyway, I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are.
CeciliaYou're not the fan who's dying are you?
JoeyWhat?
CeciliaI'm supposed to meet and hug a fan who's dying, but that's not supposed to be until (to no one in particular) later!
JoeyNo. No, I'm Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. I-I'm the guy in the coma.
CeciliaOh that was a real person?!
JoeyAn-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since I'm getting your brain when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me...
CeciliaI-I-I'm leaving the show?
Joey(quickly) I don't know. Why? Did you hear something?
CeciliaWho told you that?
JoeyOh uh, one of the writers.
CeciliaWhich one? Was it bald or was it tall?
JoeyUmm...
Ceciliayou know what? It doesn't matter! Because it is not true!
JoeyOk.
CeciliaAnd if it were true, how dare you come to me and ask me for tips about a character that I've been playing for 20 years-I'll give you a tip! (She throws her drink in his face.)
JoeyMs. Monroe... (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just received.) Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still arguing over the phone. RachelNo, Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; that's not fair! Ok look, I have an idea. Why don't we, why don't we see what kind of numbers he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone.
PhoebeOr, we can decide by whoever's name is closer to the word phone.
RachelI don't think so.
Phoebe(handing Rachel the phone) Fine, all right, but I bet you'd be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet.
Rachel(checking the speed dial) All right, first name on the speed dial is mom.
PhoebeOhh, I lost my mom to suicide.
RachelOk, no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.
PhoebeDid I use that already today? I'm sorry.
RachelOk. (Checking the speed dial again.) Well, now, see this isn't telling us anything. (Reading the speed dial) Joe, Carlos, Yoga, Ben.
PhoebeWait, yoga! I do Yoga! That's one for me.
RachelAll right. Oh, so close. Only it said yogurt. Ooh! Peter Luger! That's a steak house!
PhoebeOk, a meat eater. Fine, that's one for you.
Rachel(looking at the speed dial) Oh, I win! He's got Barneys on his speed dial.
PhoebeSo you don't know that's Barneys the store! That can be you know his friend's house, or a bar. Who has Barneys the store on their speed dial?
Rachel(showing Phoebe her phone) His new girlfriend! Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch, when they start to hear a horrible screeching noise. It sounds like someone is skinning a cat. MonicaWhat is that?
ChandlerI think it's the dying cat parade.
MonicaSounds like it's coming from across the street.
Chandler(turning around and looking) Oh my God!
MonicaWhat?
Chandleryou know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "You're half Scottish right?"
MonicaNooo!
ChandlerYes!
[Cut to Ross's apartment, as he is playing the bagpipes badly he turns the music page. He's worse than that whole keyboard thing a few years ago.]
Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier. They both get up and move to the window. MonicaNo, there is no way! Can not be Ross! (She looks through the window and sees Ross practicing and fumbling around with the pipes.) Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?!
ChandlerWhy is your family Ross?!
MonicaHe cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! It'll be like when he rapped at my Bar Mitzvah.
ChandlerLook, we cannot just tell him no, ok. He's probably been practicing forever. He'll be crushed.
MonicaWell maybe there's some way we can tell him without hurting his feelings. I mean come on, that is just noise! It's not even a song!
ChandlerOk, if you listen very carefully, I think it's Celebration by Kool and the Gang. Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is putting out some Sunflower seeds as Rachel enters. RachelHi Pheebs!
PhoebeHi!
RachelHow are ya?
PhoebeGood.
RachelUmm Phe, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was gonna keep the uh, the cute guy's cell phone?
PhoebeYeah.
RachelAnd remember how I said I was gonna keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just pick it up?
PhoebeYeah!
RachelGreat. And then you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?!
PhoebeOoh, now you lost me.
RachelYou stole the phone!
PhoebeNo, I didn't!
RachelNo? So you're saying that if I called it, it wouldn't ring?
PhoebeNo.
RachelUmm, ok. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. (Rachel dials her phone and Phoebe's bag starts to ring.) Oh, it does work! (Rachel grabs the phone and takes it out of Phoebe's handbag.)
RachelAw! Phoebe!
PhoebeThat is a different phone.
RachelOh, is it?! (She answers the cute guy's phone.) Uhh, hello? (On her phone) Yes hi, is Rachel there? (On the other phone) Yes she is, just one moment please. (To Phoebe, holding out both phones.) It's for me!
PhoebeThat is damning evidence.
(The cute guy's phone rings.)
RachelOh, my God! I bet that's him. My digital fairy tale is about to begin. I wonder how I should be? Should I be uh (In a sexy voice) Hello? Or should I be (Happily) Hi! It's Rach... (Phoebe knocks the phone out of Rachel's hand, catches it, and answers it.) Would you stop doing that?!
Phoebe(on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yes, I'm the one who found your phone.
RachelPhoebe! You can't do...
Phoebe(To Rachel) Shhh! I'm on a call! (On phone) Hello. Umm, well, yeah, I mean you could pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. It's umm, it's umm 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, umm and then maybe you know after we can grab a bite to eat or whatever. (Listens) Ok, well ok I'll see you then. (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up.)
RachelYou do know that I will be here when he comes over.
PhoebeOh? And how will you know what time to come over?
RachelYou just said it!
PhoebeOh. Ok, well I-I was kind of hoping that I would just... be alone you know to think about my mom and her suicide.
RachelOh, Phoebe!
PhoebeWhat?! That's the first time today!
RachelOhh! (Exits.) Silvercup Studios, Dina is at the craft services table getting some food as Joey walks up. JoeySo you like the nachos uh? Myself I'm partial to...
Dina(interrupting) I'm 16.
JoeySee you in 2003. (She walks away.)
Cecilia(walking up) Well you're absolutely right they are writing me out of the show. They don't know exactly when it's going to happen, but apparently going to be very soon and that's it.
JoeyOh, I'm so sorry. Look, if it was up to me you would never leave the show.
CeciliaYeah, thanks.
JoeyNo I mean it! I can't believe they would do this to you! And to your fans! I mean they are gonna be devastated! Heart broken! They love you so much!
CeciliaOh you're right. Thank you! What's your name again?
JoeyJoey.
CeciliaJoey, well thank you. That is so sweet. Oh, excuse me. (She throws her drink on a passing writer.)
The WriterIt wasn't my decision!
Cecilia(to him) I'm having a conversation here! (To Joey) You were saying?
JoeyUh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-l-l-l-l-l-look the-the-the only reason that I, that I came up to you before is because, well, I'm really nervous about-about being you. you know if-if you could help me capture the-the essence of the character. you know? Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?
CeciliaAll right Joey, I will help you. Not because I-I owe it to this stupid show, but because I owe it to Jessica.
JoeyOh that's great! Oh thank you so much!
CeciliaYou're so welcome.
JoeyHey! Now, I've been watching some tapes, how's this? (In a British accent.) "Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again! Ever!"
CeciliaIs that supposed to be me?
JoeyYeah.
CeciliaYeah but, Jessica doesn't have an English accent.
Joey(shocked) I can do an English accent?! That baby's going on my résumé! Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting on the armchair. ChandlerWell, I feel like a snack!
MonicaDo you want some shortbread? Eh that's Scottish like you are.
ChandlerOh no thanks. I don't like any thing from my Scottish heritage.
RossWhat?!
ChandlerWell it's just my entire family was run out of Scotland by... Vikings. Anyway, lots of bad memories. (Makes a few unintelligible noises.)
RossOh well, it sounds to me like your family is ready to uh, rediscover its Scottish roots.
MonicaNo! No-no they're not. They're still VERY angry! But you know Chandler is also half-Swedish. You know what the Swedish people are famous for? Sitting down and being quiet.
RossWell yeah-yeah but the Scottish history is so much more...
Monica(interrupting) You can not play bagpipes at the wedding!
RossHow did you know about that?!
ChandlerWe heard you play all the way from your apartment!
RossWere you the ones called the cops?!
ChandlerThat's not really important right now. What is important is: while we appreciate the gesture, we just don't feel that bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
RossWhy not?
ChandlerBecause we hate them.
RossCome on that's not fair! You haven't even heard me play!
ChandlerWe have heard you play.
RossNo, you've heard my practice. Ok? Just-just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And I'm not gonna tell you what song I'm gonna play either. But uh, let's just say when it's over I'll bet there will be a wee bit o' celebration. Silvercup Studios, Joey is getting pointers on how to play Jessica Lockhart. CeciliaSo, the essence of the character is rooted in her confidence. So, when Jessica enters a room for instance, she owns everything and every person in that room. (Joey is nodding.) You try.
JoeyOk! (He scurries out the set door and re-enters, extremely impressed) All right!
CeciliaNo, he already knows that he owns everything in the room! He's not finding it out for the first time! So, try it again.
JoeyOk. Ok. (He goes out and comes back in, glaring at everything.)
CeciliaRight. He's not angry at the room either. Try it again, he owns it! He owns the room. It is his. He owns, owns, owns, owns the room! He owns it! (Joey gets a snooty look on his face.) All right, it's a little weird, but it's getting better. (Joey is pleased.) Oh well, I'm gonna miss this woman so much. I-I don't know what I'm gonna do! I mean, it's been 20 years of my life.
JoeyOh then-Hey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing. you know? It'll-it'll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. You're so talented.
CeciliaI am. I am, but I don't know you know? An actor of a certain age, it's not that easy.
JoeyHey that's not true! Look at uh, look at Angela Lansb-Angelina Jolie!
CeciliaI probably should've just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but you know I just got so comfy here! And... Ohh, I turned down some amazing work!
JoeyLike-like what?
CeciliaWell, let's just say if I left 15 years ago, the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very different today!
Joey(impressed) Wow!
CeciliaBut... Well now, now's a different time for me. (Starts to cry.)
JoeyOh hey come on, don't-don't-don't do this! Umm, look let-let me tell you something, ok? Now when I watch you do a scene, I'm thinking, "Boy, she-she is a great actress!" (She's not buying it.) Uh but-but, I am also thinking, "She is hot!"
Cecilia(intrigued) You think I'm hot?
JoeyYou own the room. (She smiles and stares longingly into his eyes.) We should probably get-get uh...
CeciliaOh yeah-yeah, we should get the... (Pause) So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the man's face. (She does so.)
JoeyYeah-yeah, I noticed that! Is that 'cause she's so passionate?
CeciliaNo! It's because that way the camera only sees her! (She takes her hands off his face.) You wanna try it?
JoeyYeah! Ok. (He puts his hands on her face and they kiss.)
CeciliaThat was good, that was really good. But I-I think that maybe your hands're just a little off, they should be maybe like right like... (She grabs the back of his neck and kisses him passionately causing them to fall onto the couch.) Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for the cute guy to show up for his cell phone. Rachel is putting on perfume by spraying it ahead of her face, and moving into it. Phoebe tries to steal some. RachelHey! Hey!
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe and Rachel(simultaneously) Who is it?
GuyHi! It's Tom, I'm here to pick up the phone.
(Rachel excitedly jumps up and heads for the door.)
PhoebeWhoa! Why do you get to answer the door?
RachelWell why shouldn't I?!
Phoebe'Cause it's my apartment!
RachelWell, then I get to give him the cell phone.
PhoebeOk. All right. (Hands her the phone.) Good luck explaining all the calls to China.
(Phoebe opens the door and Tom, an older gentleman with white hair, enters.)
TomHi!
Phoebe(To Rachel) Wow! How long were we arguing for?
Rachel(laughs) You're not the man who left the cell phone.
TomNo, that's my assistant.
RachelIs-is he coming? (Looks hopefully out the door.)
TomUmm, no.
PhoebeCould you-could you umm, give us one second?
TomSure!
RachelWe'll be right back sir.
TomSure.
(They walk into the living room.)
PhoebeWh-what do we do?
RachelI don't know!
PhoebeCan you believe this? (Rachel exhales in amazement.) We were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up!
RachelI know! (Realizes what Phoebe said.) What?!
PhoebeHmm, they just don't make 'em like that anymore you know?
Rachel(turning and looking at Tom again) No-no they do but, you just have to wait.
PhoebeRachel, listen-I mean, if you let me have him then I will really owe you one.
Rachel(fake disappointment) All right. All right Phoebe I will let you have him, but you owe me, you owe me big!
PhoebeYeah! You're such a great friend!
RachelOhh...
TomSo, which one of you lovely ladies am I gonna take to dinner huh?
PhoebeOh that'd be me. Sir. (Hands him the cell phone.) After you.
TomOk. Ok. (Exits and Phoebe checks him out.)
Phoebe(whispering) Nice! Joey and Rachel's, Cecilia is entering the living room from Joey's room followed by Joey. CeciliaWell, you certainly own that room.
JoeyActually I rent the whole place and, I just got what you meant. Thank you.
(She laughs as Rachel enters.)
RachelHi.
JoeyHey!
(Rachel stops dead in her tracks when she sees whom Joey is with.)
RachelOh my God! Oh my God! Ohh, Jessica Lockhart! In my apartment! I am such a huge fan! I am such a huge fan!
CeciliaWell, it's nice to know that you...
Rachel(screaming) MONICA! MONICA! (Runs to Monica's.)
JoeyThat uh, that is my roommate Rachel.
CeciliaOh that explains all the women's underwear.
Joey(shrugs) Sure. Yeah.
Monica(entering with Rachel) Oh my God! It's true! Oh my God you are so amazing! Oh my God, can I just ask you to do me oh, just one favor?
CeciliaCertainly.
MonicaWould you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face?! (Points to her cheek.)
CeciliaI'd love to, but my lawyer said I can't do that anymore.
RachelGod. You seem really, really nice.
JoeyOk, bye-bye.
RachelI mean n-not-not fake at all like most famous people.
JoeyAll right, here we go. (He grabs them and starts to pull them out of the apartment.)
RachelOk.
Monica(breaks away) Oh wait, just one more thing! One more-more thing. (To Cecilia) Umm, you're a stupid bitch.
CeciliaI really can't slap you. (Monica walks away angrily)
RachelYou are so beautiful.
MonicaNice to meet you! My God, you're great!
JoeyThanks for stopping by. See ya! (Throws them out and closes the door.) (To Cecilia) I-I am so sorry. I...
CeciliaOh no-no-no-no, being adored. I'm used to it, don't worry about it.
Joey(notices something in the mail that Rachel brought in) Oh my God!
CeciliaWhat?
JoeyThey sent me today's script! They never send me the script!
CeciliaThey don't?
JoeyWell no, I'm just in a coma. This must mean I have lines! (Realizes what that means.) Oh...
CeciliaHow does it happen?
Joey(flipping to the last page) Ew, you get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
CeciliaAh what?! Jessica hates horses!
JoeyYeah well, I'm guessing after this she's not going to be crazy about electricity either. Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Kool and the gang on the bagpipe. Ross...now remember you have to imagine me in a kilt.
Rachel(giggles) (To Ross) I can imagine you in a short plaid skirt and knee socks.
Ross(To Rachel) You wanna start telling secrets?
RachelNo!
Ross(stands up) Now umm, remember, I'm still learning.
(As he prepares to start, he makes several horrible noises that scares Rachel into retreat.)
RossOne, two, three, four!
(He starts. And well, Celebration was never meant to be played on the bagpipe, so even the best bag pipeplayers in the world would have trouble with that particular song. So of course, for a beginner like Ross, it sounds absolutely dreadful. The assembled audience minus Phoebe, are horrified. Phoebe, immune to bad music, seems to enjoy it.)
RossYou know the song! Sing along!
(Ross resumes playing, this time accompanied by Phoebe screeching out E's in tune with Ross. While Phoebe is singing along, Rachel is having a very difficult time keeping a straight face. Both Ross' bagpipe playing and Phoebe's singing are shortened in the edited episode. Thankfully, Ross gives up after a little while.)
RossSo?
Monica and ChandlerNo!
(Ross throws the bagpipes down in disgust.) Silvercup Studios. Cecilia is watching the scene where Dina and Fredrick are celebrating Jessica's horrible accident by drinking champagne on the monitor as they are shooting the scene. DinaLoosening the saddle on mother's horse was brilliant Fredrick. And the electric fence, inspired.
FredrickThank you sweetheart. (They clink glasses.)
DinaI can't believe she's really gone. Look around you, all of this is ours. (They move into kiss but; they're stopped by Joey entering with a huge bandage wrapped around his head.)
Joey(as Jessica) I don't think so.
DinaWho are you?!
Jessica LockhartWhat's the matter Dina? Don't you recognize your own (Does a hair flip) mother?!
The DirectorCut! That was great everybody! Thank you!
Cecilia(running out to Joey) That was so wonderful! (Hugs him) Ohh, I think that you're a better Jessica than I ever was!
JoeyOh noo...
CeciliaWell of course not, but you were very good.
JoeyThanks!
CeciliaAnd guess what? Good news! I got another job!
JoeyGreat! Hey! All right! Well-well what is it?!
CeciliaA film in Guadalajara!
JoeyThe airport?
CeciliaNo that's La Guardia. (Joey nods in recognition.) This is Mexico.
JoeyOhh. Wow! Well how-how, how long will you be gone?
CeciliaEight months.
JoeyOh, that's a really long time.
CeciliaYeah, but you can come and visit me. I bet that you could uh, own a few places down there.
JoeyWell you know I tell ya, I should probably buy a place in the city first. (Realizes.) And I just got what you meant again-That is-I tell ya, that is a tricky one!
CeciliaThat is a tricky one. Well, Joey I really wanna thank you. You've-you've, well you made a very difficult time for me a little less painful.
JoeyGood luck.
CeciliaYou too.
(They kiss and both put their hands on the other's face like Jessica would do.)

Teleplay by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen; Story by Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Annotated by ncp