Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there. Monica is holding a piece of paper. MonicaSo, the wedding caterer sent me this list of twelve appetizers and I have to narrow it down to six.
JoeyFood? Uh-huh gimme! (She hands him the paper.)
ChandlerSo, did Monica tell you about this great band called the Swing Kings that we're trying to get to play at the wedding?
PhoebeSince when are you into swing music?
ChandlerOh since forever! I used to go all over town listening to bands!
ChandlerGap commercial. (To Monica) So, did you book them? Did you call?
MonicaI will.
ChandlerDo you want me to call?
MonicaNo, I'll do it. You just stick to your job.
PhoebeWhat is your job?
ChandlerStaying out of the way.
JoeyThis is impossible Monica, why don't you just pick all 15? (Hands back the paper.)
MonicaThere were only twelve.
JoeyOh yeah, I added three.
MonicaWhat are peanut butter fingers?!
JoeyOh yeah... (He mimes sticking his fingers into a jar of peanut butter, scooping some out, and eating it off his fingers.) A Street, Chandler and Ross are at a newsstand. Ross(noticing a beautiful woman moving in down the street) Well hello! She's cute! Should we uh, go try to talk to her?
ChandlerSure! That's one of the great things about being engaged. I'm not nervous talking to pretty girls anymore.
The WomanCould you guys help me? (Chandler shyly exhales and looks away.)
RossUh yeah! Let me, let me get that for you.
The WomanIt-it's-it's really heavy.
Ross(exhales) I got it. (He lifts the box and grunts under the strain.) (Calmly) So hi, I'm uh, I'm Ross and this is my friend Chandler. (He shyly waves.)
The WomanI-I am Kristen.
RossKristen, hi. Are you uh, you new to the area? 'cause if you are... I'd love to show you around sometime.
KristenI-I actually just moved from four blocks over.
KristenBut-but this block is like a whole other world.
RossYou know actually it does have a very interesting history. Uh, this street is the first street in the city to have an underground sewer system. (Kristen crinkles her nose at that.) Before that sewage and waste would just flow right down the street. Yeah, sometimes ankle deep! (He stops when he realizes what he's talking about.)
Chandler(To Ross) Smooth.
Kristen(To Chandler) Excuse me? (Chandler does the shy thing again.)
RossUmm, say you're gonna be starving after all this moving. What do you say I take you to dinner tonight?
KristenOh I-I'd like that.
RossGreat! Uh, let me take this up for you. (The box he's holding.)
KristenAfter you.
RossOh no-no, after you. (She grabs a chair and heads upstairs.) (When she's gone.) Oh my God! (He drops the box and Chandler can't pick it up.) A bridal shop, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for Monica who is trying on her wedding dress. Phoebe(wearing a veil) Am I crazy or does this totally go?!
(Monica enters from the dressing room wearing her gown.)
RachelOh my God! You look so beautiful!
Phoebe(To Rachel) Thank you Rachel but, look at Monica!
MonicaThis is it. Yeah, this is the one. I can't believe I found it!
(Another woman walks up.)
The WomanWow you look so beautiful! If I knew you, I'd cry.
MonicaWell I'm Monica Geller, bawl like a baby.
The WomanI'm Megan Bailey.
MonicaHave you found your dress yet?
MeganOh no, these dresses are all so amazing but there is no way I could afford one.
MonicaNo, I can't afford this either. No. I-I-I'm, I'm just here to figure out which one I want then I'm gonna get it at Kleinman's, this discount place in Brooklyn, day after tomorrow they are having a huge sale.
MeganOh, thanks for the tip.
MonicaYeah! So-so when are you getting married?
MeganOh I'm not, I just like to try these on.
RachelI do the same thing.
MeganI'm just kidding. I'm getting married July 25th.
RachelI'm just kidding too. (Laughs) I'm getting married in December. (Turns away not happy with herself.)
Megan(To Monica) So when are you getting married?
MonicaOh May 15th.
MeganOooh it's getting close!
MeganSo uh, who's your photographer?
MeganWe met with him. Did he show you the photos of the nude wedding he did?
MonicaThe best man? Wow!
MeganI know! I almost called off my wedding. Oh, who's your band?!
MonicaOh, my fiancé wants the Swing Kings.
MeganOh, you're so lucky. My fiancé wants the heavy metal band Carcass.
PhoebeOoh, is that spelled with a 'C' or a 'K'? Oh my God! It doesn't matter; they're both great! Oh!
(Another woman walks past Rachel carrying a wedding dress.)
RachelOh you know what? You know what? Don't buy that here. Now that you know what you want, you should go to Kleinman's and you get it half off. This place is so overpriced.
The WomanI own this store.
RachelSo, does this (The dress) come in another color or... (The store owner walks away.) A Street, Joey is walking by Kristen who is still moving in. Joey(checking her out) Hi! You uh, moving in or moving out?
KristenMoving in.
JoeyOh, can I give you a hand?
KristenOh, ok. But you know, be careful. 'Cause a guy was helping me before had to leave because he hurt his back.
JoeyI'm Joey. (They shake hands.)
JoeyOh wow, what a beautiful name! (Pause) What is it again?
JoeyYeah, that's it. (He picks up a lamp.) So...
KristenSo uh, you live around here?
JoeyYeah! Yeah! Right down there. (Points.) Hey listen; let me give you a little tip. Do not take a nap on this stoop (Points to hers) or you could wake up with your shoes gone.
KristenI'll remember that.
JoeyOk. Yeah. Listen, would you uh, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?
KristenOh I, I have plans tonight.
KristenBut how about tomorrow?
JoeySounds great! Ok, all right, well where does this go? (The lamp he's holding.)
KristenYou look strong, why don't I take that and you grab one of the boxes.
JoeyOk. Yeah. (She leaves and he goes to pick up a box marked books, but decides to take the box marked pillows instead.) Yeah, I'll get this one. (He follows her upstairs.) Kleinman's, a horde of women including Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica are waiting for the store to open. A WomanWhat is taking so long?! I mean like ever!
Rachel(To Phoebe) So, this is Brooklyn.
MonicaAll right, listen up. There is usually only one dress in each size, so when they open those doors, fan out. Now, this is what you're looking for! (Holds up a picture of it.) Memorize it! When you locate the dress, blow on these. All right? (She passes out whistles to them.) Three short blasts, when you hear it. Come running.
PhoebeGot it.
MonicaAll right.
(A worker comes to open the door and the horde starts to press forward.)
A WomanHere he comes! Hurry!
RachelOh they're pushing! They're pushing!
Monica(To Rachel) Hey! Don't be a baby!
RachelWell I...
(The door opens allowing the horde to charge in, knocking Rachel out of the way and to the ground.)
A WomanLet's go!
Phoebe(coming back out) Hey! Rachel! Come on!
[Time lapse, inside the store, Monica is frantically looking for her dress.]
MonicaNo. No. Not it. Not it. Ugh. (Checks another rack and another woman tries to reach around her.) (To the woman) Don't crowd me! (Finds it) This is it! This is the dress! Oh my God, it's perfect! (She takes it off of the rack and someone has a hold of it on the other side of the rack and tugs on it.) I'm sorry, this one's taken! (The other woman tugs harder pulling Monica through the rack.) Whoa!
MonicaYou came!
MonicaThis is my dress!
MonicaYes it is! You saw me wearing it!
MeganAnd now you'll see me buying it.
MonicaWhat? You freak! You wouldn't even have known about this place if it wasn't for me!
MeganLook, you don't wanna fight me.
MonicaMaybe I do! I'm pretty feisty! (She blows the signal.)
[Cut to Phoebe in another part of the store.]
Phoebe(hearing the signal) I'm coming! I'm coming! (She takes off towards the signal and almost knocks another woman over.)
(She hears another signal in another direction.)
PhoebeOk! (Runs that way and hears another whistle blast.) Hey! (Heads the other way and hears another blast.) What do I do?! (She runs in the second direction and finds that the whistling is coming from inside a rack. She moves the dresses out of the way to find Rachel curled up in a fetal position frantically blowing on the whistle.) What're you doing? (Rachel doesn't stop.) Did you find the dress? (Rachel won't stop so Phoebe pinches her nose shut which causes her to spit the whistle out.)
PhoebeDid you find the dress?
RachelNo! You gotta get me out of here Phoebe! These bargain shoppers are crazy!
PhoebeI-We gotta get Monica. (She starts to leave.)
RachelNo! You gotta hold my hand!
PhoebeOh my God! (She grabs Rachel's hand and drags her towards Monica.) Excuse me! Excuse me! (She's knocking women and veils out of the way as she moves.)
(She gets to Monica who has the dress balled up in one hand and is sitting on Megan who is sprawled out on the floor.)
Monica(handing Phoebe the dress) Go! Go! Go!
Rachel(seeing who's trapped) Hey...
MonicaGO! (Rachel runs off and Monica gets up to follow her.) Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there. ChandlerSo, Ross, how was your date the other night? Did you tell her about the magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet?
RossLaugh all you want but uh, she actually left me a message saying she'd like to go out again.
RossYeah in fact, I'm gonna go call her right now. And I'll make sure to tell her my friend Chandler says... (He mimics the shy reaction Chandler did.)
Joey(entering) Hey, Chandler!
JoeyListen, sorry I didn't stop by last night but I had a date.
ChandlerUh Joe, when it's one o'clock in the morning and you don't come by? That's ok!
JoeyWell check it out, I was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street!
ChandlerReally? Right across the street?
ChandlerWhen'd you meet her?
JoeyTwo days ago.
ChandlerExcellent! You know, Ross met somebody too!
JoeyOh yeah?
Ross(returning) Hey.
ChandlerHi! How'd it go?
RossOh, great! We're going out again Saturday. But, I just found she's also seeing some other guy.
Chandler(sarcastically shocked) Really?! Joe? What would you do if you were in Ross's situation?
JoeyWell, I sorta am. I mean yeah, I'm dating this girl who's also seeing another guy. But, I don't know, I'm not too worried about it.
RossWell you shouldn't be. Believe me, I wouldn't wanna be the guy who's up against you. (Chandler laughs.) I mean that doofus is going to lose!
ChandlerSo, this is nice! I wish I didn't have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. (He gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh uh, by the way, what's the name the girl you're dating?
Joey and RossKristen Lang.
ChandlerBye! (Exits.) Central Perk, time lapse from the earlier scene. RossWell obviously only one of us can keep dating her.
JoeyObviously! So, how do we decide?
RossWell now let's-let's look at this objectively, I think I should date her...
Joey(not buying it) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Or, or I'm the one who dates her.
RossThat's interesting, but check this out. I date her...
JoeyYeah-yeah I like that but just to go in another direction...
RossOk, ok. This can go on for a while.
JoeyYeah well we should order some food then.
RossNo, Joey! Look, why don't, why don't we just let her decide? Ok? Hey-hey, we'll each go out with her one more time. And-and we'll see who she likes best.
Joey(smiling) That sounds fair.
RossMaybe I'll take her to that new French restaurant down the street...
JoeyAh hey-wait a second now! Look, we're gonna have to set a spending limit on the date. I don't have the money to take her to a fancy place like that.
RossWell, sorry, that's what I do on dates.
JoeyAll right, well I guess I'll just have to do what I do on dates.
RossSo let's decide on the spending limit...
JoeyYeah. Uh, (thinks)... a slice... (Thinks)... six dollars?
RossI was thinking more like a hundred.
JoeyOk. Can I borrow 94 dollars? Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are admiring Monica's wedding dress. MonicaOh...
PhoebeI know. Can you hand me a tissue. (Monica hands her one.)
(Rachel goes to the fridge, opens it, and blows on the whistle Monica gave her at the store, which causes Phoebe and Monica to turn around and look at her.)
RachelYou're out of Diet Coke.
(The phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel goes into the bathroom.)
MonicaHello? (Listens) What?! (Listens) You what?! (Listens) Hey, you listen here missy! (Listens) Wh- (She is hung up on.)
MonicaThat was that girl Megan! She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said that I couldn't have them back unless I gave her the dress!
Phoebe(gasps) Does that mean Carcass is available?
MonicaWhat am I gonna do?! That is the dress! That is the dress! Wh... Chandler wants the band. What'll I do?
PhoebeWell just figure out a way to talk him out of it.
(There are three short whistle blasts from the bathroom.)
RachelYou're out of toilet paper! Ross's apartment, Ross is getting ready for his date with Kristen. Joey(entering) Hey!
RossHey! What's up?
JoeyI just wanted to come by and you know, wish you good luck on your date.
RossOh, thanks!
JoeyYeah. What time are you meeting her?
RossWe have 8:00 reservations at Grammercy Bistro.
JoeyWow, that's in like 20 minutes. You'd better get dressed.
RossI am dressed.
JoeyOh. Well good! (To himself) For me. (He picks up a jar of lotion.) What is this? Did you give yourself a facial?
RossI have an oily T-zone!
JoeyOk, dude! (Finds a receipt.) Hey you uh, you sent Kristen flowers.
RossThat's right.
JoeyYou spent a hundred dollars. That's the limit. You're screwed!
RossUh actually, I sent the flowers before the actual date. So technically, technically I didn't break any rules. Thanks for stopping by though.
JoeyOh-oh! So that's the way it's gonna be huh? Yeah I can break the rules too you know!
RossOh yeah? What are you gonna do?
JoeyI don't know.
RossWhy am I not surprised?
JoeyYou know what Ross? I'm not gonna let you get away with this!
RossI don't think you have much choice.
JoeyWell we'll see!
JoeyYeah bye-bye! (Exits and comes back in still holding the lotion.) Hey! So just a light layer?
RossYes. Yes. Just here (Runs his fingers down the bridge of his nose) and there (Runs his fingers across his forehead). Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering without touching anything with his hands. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there. ChandlerJoey got meat sauce on the banister again! (He goes into the bathroom to wash his hands.)
PhoebeYeah, swing music is so out.
MonicaPhoebe, he's gotta be in the room for that to work.
Chandler(returning) What're you guys talking about?
MonicaWell, umm, we were just talking about the you know, the Swing Kings and just wondering whether you know, they were the right way to go.
RachelYeah, I went to a wedding once where they had swing music, and uh, two months later the couple got divorced. And now I'm not saying that there's any connection here you know, but they did tell me that's why they got divorced.
ChandlerBut I love swing music!
PhoebeYeah but the Swing Kings? You know they suck so much that people actually die at their concerts-They just stop living.
ChandlerLook all I know is when Monica and I went to see them, we had fun! And there's another reason too.
RachelWell, what is the other reason?
ChandlerI don't wanna say.
RachelWell you have to because maybe it's stupid.
ChandlerWell, it's just while Monica and I were dancing to them it was... the first time I knew that... you were the woman I wanted to dance all my dances with.
MonicaOh crap! Grammercy Bistro, Ross and Kristen are waiting for their table to be ready. Ross is returning from talking to the maitre d'. RossSo they said our table will be ready in just a few minutes.
KristenOh great!
KristenIs your back feeling better?
RossOh, yeah, that's fine. Yeah. I guess, the more muscles you have the more they can spasm out of control.
Joey(entering) Kristen?
KristenHi! What're you doing here?
JoeyOh I like this place. Yeah. And technically, technically I'm not breaking any rules so, you know...
KristenWell uh, Ross? This is Joey. Joey? Ross.
RossHi. (They shake hands.) It's nice to meet you. Yeah. I used to have a friend named Joey. I don't anymore.
KristenOur table will be ready in a couple (of) minutes.
RossYeah. So...
JoeySure! I would love to wait with you guys! Thanks! (Sits down.)
RossSo, Joey, umm, you look familiar. Are uh, are you on TV or something?
KristenWell Joey doesn't like to talk about it but, he's one of the stars of Days Of Our Lives.
RossThat's right! That's right, don't you play a woman?
JoeyA woman in a man's body.
RossMuch better.
JoeySo, you know Ross it's funny 'cause you look familiar to me too. Have you ever been married?
RossWell yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the other day Kristen and I were talking about how I've been married and how I have a son.
KristenYeah, little Eric.
RossThat's right! Wait, no, Ben.
JoeySo you've just been married the one time then?
RossWell, umm...
KristenYou've been married twice?
RossYes. And another time after that. Boy I'm getting hungry! Hey, Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when a girl goes to the bathroom you eat some of her food?
KristenYou said the waiter ate my crab cake.
Joey(laughs that one off) Yeah. So uh Ross, well now-why did that first marriage break up? Hmm? Was it because the woman was straight or because she was a lesbian?
KristenDo you two know each other?
Joey and RossNo. No.
JoeyNo. It just seems like Ross is the kinda guy who would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge.
(Kristen is not enjoying this.)
RossWait a minute! Were you on a poster for gonorrhea?
JoeyHave you ever slept in the same bed with a monkey?!
RossHey, you leave Marcel out of this!
JoeyAll right! Have you ever got stuck in a pair of your own leather pants?!
RossHey-hey have you ever locked yourself in a TV cabinet, VD boy?!
JoeyMonkey lover!
(They both notice that Kristen has left.)
JoeyWhere do you think we lost her?
RossProbably around gonorrhea.
WaiterGeller, table of two?
Ross(to Joey) You hungry?
JoeyDoes a bear shit in the woods? Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering. ChandlerHi, honey! I'm home!
Monica(from the bedroom) Don't come in here!
ChandlerWhy? Do you have another boyfriend in there or something?
MonicaNo! We only mess around at his place!
ChandlerYou know it's funny I started it but, now it's scaring me. So could you come out here please?
MonicaNo, I'm wearing a wedding dress.
ChandlerOh you got a wedding dress? That's great!
MonicaYeah but, I'm not keeping it.
ChandlerWell then why can't I see it?
MonicaOh. I guess you can. Ok but; I-I have to return it, so you can't like it.
ChandlerOk I promise. I'll-I'll hate it. (She enters.) Wow! You-you look...hideous.
ChandlerYeah, that's like the most ugliest dress I've ever seen. Wh-why do you have to return it?
MonicaOh because it doesn't... really fit. Oh by the way, I-I booked the Swing Kings.
ChandlerOh, that's great! Great! Thanks! But that dress I mean it's like yuck! It's terrible! It makes me wanna just rip it right off you!
MonicaOk! But you can't rip it. Well, maybe a little.
ChandlerOk! Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are watching a basketball game on the couch. Monica(entering) Hey guys! You wanna look at the song list for the wedding? (They ignore her.) Guys?
Chandler(without turning around) I thought you were gonna be gone all day.
MonicaAll right? What's going on?
(They all slowly turn around to reveal that they are giving themselves a facial.)
MonicaI'm sorry. I'm sorry. I-I should probably leave you girls alone. (She heads for the bedroom.)
RossYeah, laugh all you want but in ten minutes we're gonna have younger looking skin!
JoeyYeah! (Monica goes in the bedroom.) You know, she could use a little... (Whistles that she needs to do what they're doing.) (Something happens on the game.) Oh nice shot! (They all cheer.)

Teleplay by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen; Story by Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added text by George Nanakis, minor adjustments by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp