Central Perk, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are hanging out. RachelSo Pheebs, um, you know I was, I was just at this bachelorette party and they had a cake that was in the shape of a man's.... thing-a-ding-ding, and uh, I was wondering, what would you, what would you thought of that: offensive or amusing?
PhoebeUm, I am not sure. Monica what do you think.
MonicaSounds kinda tacky.
RachelDamn it! Well, I'll just see that if they can cancel it and if not maybe they'll just put eyes on the hoogies and we'll just say it's some sort of weird elephant.
[Rachel heads to the back to make the call as Joey enters.]
JoeyHey! Hey! You guys! You're not gonna believe this! I just got off the phone with my agent...
PhoebeOh my God! (Joey looks at her.) I'm sorry, too soon. You go.
JoeyOk. I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives!
PhoebeGood for you!
MonicaCongratulations! Wow! I can't believe you're nominated for an Emmy!
MonicaOh Soap Opera Digest award!
JoeyNo! I'm up for a Soapie!
MonicaHoney? Is that something you're making up?
JoeyNo, no, no! It's real! And it has been since 1998. (Rachel is returning from making the phone call.)
Rachel(to Phoebe) Ok. They said that they, they won't cancel the cake, but I was thinking we could maybe write NASA on the side and then give it to Ross.
PhoebeOh! Yeah.
JoeyHey, Rach! I'm up for a Soapie!
Rachel(gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God! That is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!
JoeyThank you! Well, I guess now we know who I'm taking to the awards. (Points to Rachel.)
RachelOh, stop that! Don't kid about that! (Gasps) Will all the stars be there?
JoeyMany are scheduled to appear.
RachelOh my God! Oh my God! I can't go! I'm gonna be too nervous!
Monica(to Joey) Ok, I'll go!
RachelNo! You are getting married! This is all I have.
PhoebeWe should celebrate.
RachelYes! (to Joey) And we will get you a cake in the shape of a microphone.
PhoebeWith, with two tennis balls!
[Rachel applauds] NYU, Ross is giving a lecture. Rossand it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor when threatened, would expand it's collar and emit a high-pitched noise, to frighten off it's predator. (A student raises his hand.) Yes Mr. Lewis?
LewisWhat kinda noise?
RossJust a high-pitched intimidating noise.
LewisBut like how?
RossWell we-we don't know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. (He makes a high-pitched noise and Alan doesn't know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Ok, that's uh, that's all for today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
MorseYes sir.
RossMr. Morse I need to talk to you about your midterm exam, I'm afraid I-I had to fail you.
Morse(shocked) Why?!
RossWell you need 60% to pass...
MorseWhat'd I get?
MorseThat's not so good.
RossNo, no, it's not. What-what happened there Ned?
MorseWell maybe you can cut me some slack. I'm sort of in love.
RossWell I'm sorry but, that-that's really not my problem.
MorseI'm in love with you.
RossWell that brings me in the loop a little.
MorseSee, that's why I did so bad on this test. I'm having a hard time concentrating. When you're up there (Points to the podium) and you're teaching and your face gets all serious... you look so good. (In a sexy voice) You wear that tight little turtleneck sweater...
RossOk! (Walks away from him.) Umm, I uh, I'm your teacher. I'm sorry, you're-you're a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs. Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are drinking coffee and Phoebe notices a cute guy checking them out. PhoebeOh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out!
MonicaReally? (Looks.) My God, he's really cute.
PhoebeGo for it.
MonicaPhoebe, I'm engaged!
PhoebeI'm just saying, get his number just in case. But no if Chandler is in an accident and can't perform sexually and then he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.
The Cute Guy(To Monica) Hi!
MonicaOh, can I just tell you something? Um, very flattered but uh, I'm engaged. (Points to her ring.)
The Cute GuyWow! Uh, this is kind of embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk to your friend.
MonicaWell you should be embarrassed. (Leaves.)
The Cute Guy(To Phoebe) I thought you knew I was looking at you.
PhoebeI did, but that was really fun. Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting in the chair. Joey(pretending to be an announcer) And the winner is...Joey Tribbiani! (He then gets excited and goes over to the counter to practice his acceptance speech using a bottle of maple syrup as the award.) Oh... Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh, I didn't prepare a speech. But umm, I'd like to thank (Rachel enters quietly) my parents, who've always been there for me. I'd also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel...
RachelI'm fourth! (Joey is startled.) Look at you, with your little maple syrup award!
JoeyYeah may-maybe you don't tell anyone about this.
RachelWhat? No! It's not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle.
JoeyWhat award are you practicing for?
RachelGrammy, for Best New Artist.
JoeyOh hey, listen! The Soapie's people called today and I also get to present an award.
RachelOhh, that's great!
RachelSo you'll definitely get onstage, even if you don't win.
Joey(confused) You-you don't think I'm gonna win?
RachelWell of course I do! But you know, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean you're up against the guy who survived his own cremation.
JoeyYeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but it's just... I've never even been nominated before! I want it so much.
RachelWell, Joey, you'll probably get it. But you should probably start practicing your-your gracious loser face. You know when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win. You know? So it's sorta like... (Does it, you'll have to see it.)
JoeyHey! (Likes it.)
RachelYou know?
JoeyYou practice losing that Grammies too?
RachelOh, no, at the Grammies I always win.
JoeyAh. Monica's Restaurant Kitchen. Monica is cooking. Waitress(to Monica) Hey Mon, this woman only had two bites of her streak. Do you want me to wrap it up for your dog?
MonicaOh, yeah.
WaitressWhat's your dog's name again?
(Phoebe Enters)
MonicaHey! Oh, how'd your date go with Jake?
PhoebeOh, great! We couldn't keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once in a while you know, he kinda just lean over and stroke my hair and then touch my neck. (Does that to Monica.)
MonicaOk, stop it Phoebe, you're getting me all tingly.
Phoebe(laughs) All I could think of was you know, "Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?"
MonicaAnd did he?
PhoebeI'm a lady Monica, I don't kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself. (She starts to open up her blouse.)
MonicaOk-ok, I got it. I got it.
PhoebeI just like him so much that I just feel like I've had 10 drinks today and I've only had six.
MonicaOh, you know, I haven't had that feeling since I first started going out with Chandler. Wow, I'm never gonna have that feeling again am I?
PhoebeYou sound like a guy.
MonicaNo, a guy would be saying, "I'm never gonna get to sleep with anyone else." Oh my God! I'm never gonna get to sleep with anyone else!
PhoebeAre you just realizing this now?
MonicaNo. Maybe. Yes! My God, I've been so busy planning the wedding that I forgot about all the things that I'd be giving up! I mean... I'm never gonna have a first kiss again.
PhoebeYou'll have a last kiss. Joey and Rachel's, Ross is helping Joey with his tie. RossCan I ask you something? You ever had a guy have a crush on you?
JoeyIs that why you wanted to tie my tie?
RossThere's this kid in my class who said he's in love with me.
Rachel(entering from her room) Whoa what?
JoeyRoss has a boyfriend.
RossNo. I do-I do not have a boyfriend. There's a guy in one of my classes who-who has a crush on me.
RossYeah! I don't know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of... sexy professor vibe? (Rachel and Joey both look at him.)
RachelNot right now.
RossIt-it-The point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm.
RachelOh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! You know you-I couldn't concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember what's it's like to be 19 and in love.
RossYeah. I guess I can cut him some slack.
JoeyHow'd you get over that teacher?
RachelI didn't. I got under him.
Joey(To Ross) Problem solved. Central Perk, Phoebe is saying goodbye to her boyfriend Jake at the door to Central Perk. JakeBye Phoebe.
PhoebeOk bye. (They kiss.)
JakeAll right. Bye. (Backs out the door.)
JakeI'll miss you.
PhoebeI'll miss you too. (Phoebe goes over and joins Monica on the couch.) Well we said goodbye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love.
MonicaPhoebe, it's ok. It's ok, you don't have to tiptoe around me. I-I've been thinking about it and umm, you know what? I'm ok about not having that new relationship feeling...
Jake(yelling through the window to Phoebe) I miss you already!!
Phoebe(yelling back) I miss you too! (He walks away.)
MonicaSee? That's what I mean. I mean that, that's great! But I wouldn't trade in what I have for that. I mean I-I'm gonna be with Chandler for the rest of my life, and that's what makes me happy. (Chandler approaches.) Hey, sweetie, come here! Come sit down. Hey, Phoebe and I were just talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is, don't you think?
ChandlerOh totally! (Holds up his finger.) Pull my finger. The 2001 Soapie Awards, Joey's category is up next and the presenter walks to the podium. CameramanOk everybody we are back in 30....
[Rachel returns from the restroom]
JoeyWhere've you been? They're about to give out my award.
RachelSorry. Oh, Well, I was in the bathroom and Susan Lucci came out of a stall and she had toilet paper on her shoe. So I took it!
AnnouncerPresenting the award for Favorite Returning Male Character is McKensize...
[Cut to Joey and Rachel's table.]
Joey(To Rachel) This is it! This's-this's my category.
RachelI know! My God! Do you have your speech?
JoeyYeah, I got my speech!
RachelDo you got your gracious loser face?
JoeyYeah. (Does it.)
RachelNow Joey remember, if you win you have to hug me! You hug me!
JoeyOk. Can I squeeze your ass?
RachelOn TV?! Yeah!
[Cut to the presenter.]
The PresenterThey say you can't go home again. But these four exceptional actors have proven that this isn't always the case. In the category of Favorite Returning Male Character the nominees are: John Wheeler, from General Hospital (Applause), Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless (Applause), Dunkin Harrington from Passions (Applause), and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives (Applause). And the Soapie goes to... (She opens the envelope) Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless!
JoeyWhat the?! (Joey pounds the table and starts yelling at Rachel, and which is drowned out by applause. Rachel is desperately trying to tell Joey that he's on TV right now. He finally notices and he does his gracious loser face.) The 2001 Soapie Awards, the announcer is introducing the next presenter. AnnouncerPresenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives. (Applause as Joey angrily walks to the podium and eyes the trophy.)
Joey(angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately, only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The nominees for Favourite Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to die out.) From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the nominees), from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley (not Jessica Lockhart). And the winner is...(Opens the envelope)... Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldn't be with us tonight so I'll be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And I'm sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. She'd also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel who's sitting right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is turned off, this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.) Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are entering. RachelJoey! Why did we have to rush out of there so fast?! I was this close (demonstrates with her fingers) to getting Luke and Laura to sign Susan Lucci's toilet paper.
JoeyRach we had to get out of there because, look what I won! (He whips out the award for Favorite Supporting Actress that he accepted for Jessica.)
RachelOh my God you stole her award!
JoeyNo-no! No, I'm accepting it on her behalf. (He puts it up above the TV to display it.)
RachelJoey I don't think you know what behalf means.
JoeySure I do! It's a verb! As in, "I behalfing it!"
RachelJoey, you have got to take this back!
JoeyNo, why?! I should've won one and I really want it and she didn't even care enough to come to the thing! It could also be a Grammy.
Rachel(looking at the award) No! Joey!
JoeyCome on, Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full of 'em.
RachelDo you really want an award that you didn't win?
JoeyNo! I want an award I did win! But nobody's giving me any of those! Plus-Hey Rach, if-if I put it up there (Points to the TV) right? When people come over they'll see it and they'll think I won it.
RachelJoey, it says Best Supporting Actress!
JoeyI can scratch that right off.
RachelJoey, no, this is wrong! You have to take it back, ok? You don't wanna win an award this way. You're very talented. And someday you're gonna win one of these for real and that one is gonna mean something.
JoeyAll right!
RachelAll right? (He sets the award down.) Thank you.
JoeyI'll take it back tomorrow.
RachelThank you.
(He goes into his room and closes the door. Rachel goes to pick it up and...)
Joey(opening his door) If I can't have it you can't have it! (Rachel walks away angrily.) Ross's Classroom, he is writing on the board and Alan is coming in to see him. LewisProfessor Geller?
Ross(turning towards him) Yes Mr. Lewis, how can I help you?
LewisI know I didn't do well on my midterms and stuff but, I was kind of hoping you could change my grade.
RossAnd why exactly would I do that? (Goes back to writing on the board.)
Lewis'Cause I'm in love with you.
Ross(turning around and dragging the chalk down the board) What?!
LewisYeah, I'm all... in love with you and stuff. So could you change my grade?
LewisWhy not, you changed Ned's grade!
RossWell that's different! Ok? Because he, he was actually in love with me!
LewisNo he's not! He's totally yanking your chain! He's done this with three other teachers!
LewisHe's got a girlfriend!
RossI can't believe someone would do that for a grade.
LewisI know! It's awful. I love you.
RossAll right. (like saying Ok that's enough)
LewisWhat? It's true!
RossOh God. Ok, you love me? You love me? All right fine, you love me so much come over here and give me a kiss.
[Lewis does so but is very hesitant about kissing Ross but before he is about to kiss Ross...]
RossYou got an 80. You didn't even fail. Have some self-respect! Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Monica enters. MonicaYou've seen Chandler?
PhoebeNo. Why?
Monica'Cause, I just keeping thinking about all these things that I'm not gonna have and it's freaking me out. I don't know what to do about it.
PhoebeOk, don't sweat it. (Looking around her.) Chandler is nowhere around so go ahead get it out of your system. That guy's cute. (Points to a guy sitting behind Monica.)
MonicaPhoebe! Come on, I'm serious! I just gotta talk to him about all this.
PhoebeNo that is the last thing you wanna do!
PhoebeBecause you're marrying him!
MonicaYou gotta help me out here Pheebs.
PhoebeAll right, I've never been engaged and I've never really been married, but, I can only tell you what my mother told me. Whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband.
MonicaSo, I'm not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with?
PhoebeThat is correct! Yes, you're supposed to take all that stuff and put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight.
MonicaYour mother told you this?
MonicaThe woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13?
PhoebeOh my God! You're right! All right go! Go! (Monica starts to leave.) Go tell Chandler! Hurry, before it's too late! Wait, no! (Monica stops.) Does this also mean putting out doesn't get you love? (Monica is shocked.) Silvercup Studios, Joey and Rachel are there to give Jessica her award. RachelI cannot believe I'm gonna meet Jessica Ashley!
JoeyOk wait-wait p-please be cool! Ok? I work with this woman.
RachelOk, I'm totally cool! (She coolly knocks on the door)
Jessica AshleyCome in.
(The enter.)
JoeyHey Jessica.
Rachel(coolly) Hey Jess.
JoeyAh, this is my friend Rachel.
Jessica AshleyHi.
Rachel'Sup? (Joey glares at her.)
JoeyUh listen, here's your Soapie. I accepted it for ya. (Hands it to her.)
Jessica Ashley(shocked) Oh my God! I won! Do you have any idea what this means?! (She rolls her eyes and throws it onto the couch.)
JoeyWell, that-that-that's it? You're not gonna, you're not gonna put it on your shelf or anything?
Jessica AshleyNo, I try to save that for real awards. Now, if you'll excuse me. (She exits.)
Joey(To Rachel) Take it back?
JoeyY-y-yeah! (As they start to leave, Rachel pauses and steals a vase with flowers in it.) Yeah you do. (They exit.) Monica and Chandler's, Monica is talking to Chandler. MonicaHoney, as we get closer to the wedding, is there anything that you would like to talk about or share?
ChandlerOk. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big.
MonicaYou're wrong! The centerpieces are fine! All right, do you ever get scared at all?
ChandlerKind of. They're really big.
MonicaDoesn't it ever freak you out that-that you're never gonna be with anybody new again?
MonicaJust, all right, I love you so much. Just... It's just sometimes it bothers me that I'm never gonna have that feeling. You know when you meet someone for the first time and it's new and exciting? You know that rush?
ChandlerNo. No, see when I first meet somebody it's uh it's mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.
MonicaOk, but all right you're a guy, does it not freak you out that you're never gonna sleep with anybody else?
ChandlerSleeping with somebody new, anxiety, panic, and I'm afraid even more sweating.
MonicaEven with me?
ChandlerI was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. (Monica laughs.) Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives.
ChandlerWell yeah! But now that I know that you're having these thoughts, well I'm back to panic, anxiety, and uh I'm definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.
MonicaCome here! Come here! (They hug.) Sweetie you don't have to worry. No, besides, you know what? I'm gonna have a lot of new things with you. The first time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkid...
Chandler(hoarsely) Water! Water! Water! Ross's classroom, he has just finished his lecture and the students are filing out. RossUh Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment?
Morse(walking up) That was a great lecture today. Did you get a little haircut?
RossUh-hmm, yeah-yeah do you like it? Yeah, do-do you looove it? I just want you to know that I'm changing your grade back.
MorseWhat?! Why?
Ross'Cause I know what you're trying to pull here. Ok? It's not gonna work.
MorseI'm not trying to pull anything. Look I love you dude.
RossYou know what? I-I'm not even gonna talk about this. Ok? This little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend! Ok- (Ned looks shocked) Yeah! And I know about the other professors! How do you think that makes me feel Ned?! You used me! You don't love me and you never did! (Ross turns around to make a grand exit but runs into two colleagues.) Ah Professor Winston, Professor Fredrickson, I'll be right with you. (To Ned) Don't make this worse and I'll give you a C. (To the professors) Shall we? (They leave.) Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering. PhoebeRach?
RachelI'll be out in a second.
(Phoebe notices the Soapie on the counter.)
PhoebeOh. (Picks it up.) It's just so unexpected! I... I uh... Boy I'll tell you it's just such an honor to just be nominated for a-a Nobel Prize and you know to win one for a massage. Ohh.. Especially after having just won a Tony award for best actress in...
Rachel(entering from her room) Honey, we have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00.
Phoebe...in Reservations at 8:00 by Neil Simon. (To an imaginary Neil Simon) Thank-thank you Neil. Thank you for the words. (Blows him a kiss.)
RachelOk honey, you can finish this later we're gonna be late. We gotta go.
PhoebePlease, don't play the music. I just have one more thing. LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Teleplay by Brian Boyle; Story by Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added text by George Nanakis, Minor adjustments by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp