Monica and Chandler's, Monica is at the kitchen table and Chandler is in the living room.
MonicaDo you realize that four weeks from today we're getting married? Four weeks baby! Four weeks!
ChandlerDo you realize that you get louder each week?
MonicaThere's still so much to do. Have you written your vows yet?
ChandlerI figured I'd just buy those. Pat, I'd like to buy a vow. (Laughs)
MonicaSweetie, you know I have no sense of humor when it comes to the wedding.
ChandlerRight. So, have you written yours yet?
MonicaNo! But I know exactly what I'm gonna say.
ChandlerDo you happen to know what I'm gonna say?
MonicaAnyway (handing him a pad of paper and a pen) Let's just do it right now. Ok? It won't be hard. Just say what's in your heart. (She goes back, sits down, and starts feverishly writing.)
Chandler(watching in her) (in his head) Look at her go! She must love me more than I love her! What's wrong with me? Ooh, don't open that door.
Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is getting help writing his vows from Joey and Ross.
Chandler(writing) Monica, there are no words... (To Joey and Ross) There are no words! This should not be this hard!
JoeyAll right, uh... (To Ross) Oh hey, you've done this before Ross, well what did you say when you made up your vows?
RossWell with Carol, I promised never to love another woman until the day I die. She made no such promise.
ChandlerI'm so pathetic! Monica knows what she wants to say! You should've seen her. Writing, writing, writing!
Monica and Chandler's, Monica has hit a writer's block as Rachel and Phoebe enter.
RachelWhat is the emergency?!
MonicaYou have to help me! I'm supposed to be writing my vows and all I have is this! (Shows them what she's been working on.)
RachelWell, I like the pretty little drawing of you in the wedding dress.
PhoebeYeah, except your breasts look kinda small. (Points.)
MonicaThose are my eyes! Those are my breasts. (Points.)
PhoebeOh! Yeah! Ok. (Monica glares at her.)
Cut to the guys.
RossWell, why don't you just start with something simple. Like umm, Monica, from the moment I met you, I knew, I loved you.
ChandlerYeah, I'm not sure I can do that.
[Flashback to when Chandler was introduced to Monica in All The Thanksgivings.]
Ross...everyone, this is Chandler!
Fat MonicaHi, I-I'm Ross's little sister.
Chandler(seeing her) Ok.
Cut to the girls.
RachelOk. Ok. Ok. Umm, maybe you could start with, "Chandler, even though we were friends; there was a part of me that always knew I wanted more."
[Flashback to The Jellyfish, Chandler and Monica are lying on the beach.]
ChandlerAll right, there's a nuclear holocaust, I'm the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?
Cut back to the girls.
MonicaOoh, are we allowed to lie in the vows?!
PhoebeWell maybe you don't talk about your feelings back then. Maybe you just say something about, you know, all the things that he's taught you. Like... (They all try to think about one example and don't succeed.) Or all the things you taught him.
[Flashback to Phoebe's Uterus, Monica is teaching Chandler how to turn a woman on. They're in Monica and Rachel's apartment and Monica has just drawn a diagram of a woman.]
MonicaNow everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out there's more than three), five, six, and seven.
Chandler(shocked) There are seven?! (Points to one) That's one?
MonicaUmm, kind of an important one!
ChandlerOh, you know-you know what, I was looking at it upside down.
RachelWell, you know, sometimes that helps. (She realises what that could've meant.)
MonicaOk, now, we start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, a 3, a 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7, 7, 7, 7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7 (mouths 7)! (They both lean back on the couch satisfied.)
Cut to the guys.
JoeyOh, I got it! How about saying something like, "Monica...
Joey"...when I look back over our time together..."
Chandler(writes what Joey said and waits for him to go on) Yeah?
JoeyI can't do everything! Look back over your time together.
[This starts a series of flashbacks beginning with Monica and Chandler in the waiting room in The Birth.]
PhoebeOh, look, twins.
MonicaNo fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?
ChandlerYou'll get one.
MonicaOh yeah? When?
ChandlerAll right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?
MonicaWhy won't I be married when I'm 40?
ChandlerOh, no, no, No. I just meant hypothetically.
MonicaOk, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
ChandlerNo, no, no.
MonicaNo, what is it? Seriously, is there something fundamentally unmarryable about me?
Chandler(trapped) Uh, uh.
ChandlerDear God! This, this parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)
Cut to Ross leaping into Chandler's Hotel room in London in Ross's Wedding.
Ross(Screaming) I'm getting married today!! Ahh, whoo-hoo! (He runs back out the door.)
Monica(Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.)
Cut to Chandler opening the door to his and Joey's apartment to reveal Monica standing there with a turkey on her head in All The Thanksgivings.
MonicaWait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.)
Many know the Shriners as "those guys who drive around in go-carts and wear funny hats." However there's much more to the organization than a fondness for toys and questionable taste in headwear. The Shriners, a part of the Indiana Jones-sounding "Ancient Arabic Order of the Nobles of the Mystic Shrine," are a philanthropic fraternity with a "serious purpose." Their main mission is to raise money for Shriners Hospitals for children. They accomplish this through events (like the Shrine football game) and personal donations. Becoming a Shriner isn't easy. In fact, those who wish to join must first reach the rank of "Master Mason" within the Masons. The Shriners' famed hat is known as a fez. Although it might seem a strange choice of headwear, the attention-drawing fez serves as an effective symbol and helps increase public awareness of the group. For the Shriners, the pointing and giggles from lookie-loos are a small price to pay for visibility. [Wiki | Yahoo! Answer]
MonicaLook! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.)
ChandlerThis is not gonna work.
MonicaI bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.)
ChandlerYou are so great! I love you!
(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)
ChandlerNothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!
MonicaYou said you loved me! I can't believe this!
ChandlerNo I didn't!
MonicaYes, you did!
ChandlerNo I didn't!
MonicaYou love me!
ChandlerNo I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)
Cut to Chandler trying to hint to Monica that he wanted to move in with her in After Vegas.
ChandlerYou know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?
MonicaThen all your stuff would be here.
ChandlerWell, what if all my stuff was here?
MonicaThen you'd be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesn't make any sense.
ChandlerOk. What if we live together and you understand what I'm saying?
Cut to Chandler entering his and Monica's apartment in The Proposal.
(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)
MonicaYou wanted it to be a surprise.
(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)
ChandlerOh, my God.
(Monica gets down on one knee.)
MonicaChandler... In all my life... I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to... fall in love with my best... my best... There's a reason why girls don't do this!
ChandlerOk! (He joins her on one knee) Ok! Ok! I'll do it! I thought... (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought, that it mattered, what I said or where I said it. Then I realized, the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?
(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)
Joey(yelling through the door) Can we come in yet
?! We're dying out here!
MonicaCome in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) We're engaged!
(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)
Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are on the couch as Joey and Ross enter.
RachelHey, what have you guys been up to?
RossOh, we were helping Chandler write his vows, but he kicked us out because Joey kept making inappropriate suggestions.
JoeyHow is "Monica, I love your sweet ass," inappropriate?
RossHow's Monica coming along with her vows?
PhoebeLet's just say it's lucky she's got a sweet ass, 'cause she's not so good at the writing.
RossI can't believe in four weeks they're gonnta be married!
PhoebeWell let's just hope it works. You know, nine out of ten marriages end in divorce?
RossPhoebe that's not true.
PhoebeYeah, you're right. How's the Mrs.?
RachelI can't believe they've been together for three years.
Joey(shocked) Has it been that long?!
RossMaybe it seems like less because they hid it from us for so long.
[Flashback to Joey interrupting a bath Monica and Chandler are sharing in All The Kissing. Monica dives underwater as Joey opens the door.]
(They move into a kiss but are interrupted by Joey knocking on the door.)
JoeyHey, it's me! I'm coming in!
(Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey enters. He looks a little shocked at what Chandler's doing.)
ChandlerI've had a very long, hard day.
JoeyAhh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. You want some?
ChandlerAhh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then.
(Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.)
ChandlerAre you ok? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me if I want chicken.
MonicaChicken? I could eat some chicken.
(Monica goes back underwater as Joey re-enters.)
ChandlerYeah, can I get a 3-piece, some coleslaw, and some beans, and a Coke- (Yelps in pain as Monica grabs him underwater) Diet Coke.
(Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the chicken.)
Cut back to Central Perk.
RachelI don't know why they didn't just tell us.
JoeyI know! I mean it's not like we weren't cool about it.
[This starts a series of flashbacks starting with Monica and Chandler forcing Joey to keep his new-found knowledge of their secret relationship in Monica's bedroom in The Kips.]
Joey(To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?!
MonicaYes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!
ChandlerIt happened in London.
ChandlerThe reason we didn't tell anyone was 'cause we didn't wanna make a big deal out of it.
JoeyBut it is a big deal! I have to tell someone!
(They both grab him and stop him.)
ChandlerNo-no-no-no-no! You can't!
MonicaPlease? Please?! We just don't wanna deal with telling everyone, ok? Plea- Just promise you won't tell.
(Joey thinks it over.)
Cut to Rachel listening to a phone conversation between Chandler and Monica in All the Resolutions.
Monica(on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.
Chandler(on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she covers her mouth in absolute amazement.)
Monica(on phone) Awww, you know what your nickname is, Mr. Big...
RachelArghh! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace around wondering what to do.)
Cut to Phoebe in Ross's new apartment looking at Monica and Chandler and what they're about to do in Everybody Finds Out.
Phoebe(looking out the window) Oh, look! There's, there's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!
Phoebe(screaming) Ahhh! Chandler and Monica! Chandler and Monica!
RachelOh my God!
PhoebeCHANDLER AND MONICA!
RachelOH MY GOD!
PhoebeOH! MY EYES! MY EYES!
RachelPhoebe! Phoebe! It's ok! It's ok!
PhoebeNO! THEY'RE DOING IT!
RachelI KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW!
RachelYes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know, so you have to stop screaming!
Ross(entering) Hi, what's going on?
Phoebe and RachelOhhh!
Rachel(trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI! Hi!
RachelNothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you wanted to get this apartment!
RossActually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.)
Phoebe(Screaming incoherently.) Get in here! (Motions to join her and Rachel.)
(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)
Cut to later in that episode in Central Perk, a meeting with Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey where they discuss Chandler and Monica.
PhoebeOk, so now they know you know, and they don't know that Rachel knows?
JoeyYes, but you know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know, that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets'll finally be over!
PhoebeOr, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.
Cut to later in that episode. Rachel and Phoebe are going to a movie from Monica and Chandler's, and as Phoebe walks by Chandler she pinches him on the butt and exits.
RachelAll right honey, we'd better go if we're gonna catch that movie.
PhoebeBye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his butt.)
Chandler(after they've left) Ok, did, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!
MonicaActually, I did!
ChandlerOk, so now, do you believe that she's attracted to me?
MonicaOhhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!
Cut to later in that episode. Monica and Chandler are confronting Joey in his apartment about Phoebe's knowledge.
ChandlerPhoebe knows about us!
JoeyWell I didn't tell them!
MonicaThem?! Who's them?
JoeyUhhh, Phoebe and Joey.
JoeyAnd Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!
MonicaOh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But, see, they don't know that we know that they know! So...
ChandlerAhh yes, the messers become the messees!
Cut to later in that episode. Phoebe is telling Rachel in Monica and Chandler's that Chandler wants to make a date with Phoebe.
PhoebeOh my God! He wanted me to come over and feel his bicep and more!
RachelAre you kidding?!
RachelI can not believe he would do that to Mon- Whoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know?
JoeyThey know you know.
RachelUgh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!
PhoebeGod, they thought that they could mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say anything!
JoeyI couldn't even if I wanted to.
Cut to later in that episode. Chandler is in his bathroom with Monica, and he's panicking on how far Phoebe is pushing him.
ChandlerListen, this is totally getting out of hand! Ok? She wants me to put lotion on her!
ChandlerLook, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)
Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.
PhoebeHe's not backing down. He went to get lotion.
Joey(entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?!
RachelJoey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
JoeyOoh! I like that.
Joey(To Phoebe) Oh, ok! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.)
PhoebeJoey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn't rip off any buttons.
JoeyNot my first time.
Cut to the bathroom.
MonicaYou go back out there, and you seduce her till she cracks!
ChandlerOk, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?
Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.
ChandlerOh, you-you-you're going?
PhoebeUmm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.
Chandler(swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very happy we're gonna have all the sex.
PhoebeYou should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause) I'm gonna kiss you now.
ChandlerNot if I kiss you first.
(They move closer together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He puts his hand on her waist, but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.)
ChandlerWell, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.
PhoebeHere it comes. Our first kiss.
(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)
ChandlerOk! Ok! Ok! All right you-you win! I can't have sex with ya!
PhoebeAnd why not?!
ChandlerBecause I'm in love with Monica!!
(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)
ChandlerLove her! That's right, I LOVE HER! I love her! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.
MonicaI love you too, Chandler. (They kiss.)
PhoebeI just-I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!
JoeySo that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!
MonicaWell actually, Ross doesn't.
ChandlerYes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.
Cut to later in that episode. Ross is showing his boss his new place.
Ross(He notices something through the window.) No! No! Wh... What're you doing?! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!
Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Joey and Ross are talking.
PhoebeYou know, your friend's getting married, it's gotta change things.
RachelYou really think it would be that different?
PhoebeHow could it not be? I mean pretty soon they're gonna be having kids, and then they're just gonna be hanging out with other couples who have kids. And then maybe they're gonna have to leave the city to be near a Volvo dealership.
RachelWell, things change.
JoeyBut I don't want them to move to a Volvo dealership!
RossIt'll be ok, Joe.
JoeySorry, I just... I like things the way they are.
Flashback to the gang in Central Perk in Nana Dies Twice, they're all going through an old photo album.
RachelHey, who's this little naked guy?
RossUh, that little naked guy would be me.
RachelAww, look at the little thing.
RossYes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now?
ChandlerWho are those people?
MonicaOh, that's nana, right there in the middle. Let's see. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.
RachelWow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?
Monica1939... yeah, 24, 25?
RossHuh, it's like a fun gang. (They all look at each other and smile)
JoeyOoh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!
Ross(looking) No-no, that would be me again.
Cut back to Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are entering.
MonicaHey, you guys!
ChandlerWhat's going on?
RachelWell, we were just talking about you guys getting married and how great it is.
JoeyYeah, you can get a Volvo. If that's what you really want.
MonicaOh that's so sweet.
ChandlerSo, we both finished our vows.
RachelOh, can we read them?
MonicaYeah, Just as long as I don't hear Chandler's and he doesn't hear mine.
(They spilt into their sexes and the girls read Monica's and the guys read Chandler's. The girls gasp and groan and the guys laugh hysterically.
Phoebe(To Monica) Oh, that's beautiful.
Joey(To Chandler) (laughing) Funny one! That's good!
Rachel(To Monica) Monica, will-will you marry me?
JoeyWhat? I don't get it.
(Ross points to the explanation and he gets it.)
Ross(To Chandler) Oh man, this is hilarious.
ChandlerDon't worry honey, we'll make yours funnier.
Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Joey are reading Chandler's new vows.
ChandlerOk, what'd you guys think?
Joey(starting to cry) I have never known love like this.
ChandlerYou really like it?
RossDude! How-how did you write this?
ChandlerI stole Monica's and changed the name. Shh.
RossYou can't do that!
JoeyIf he goes first he can!
Written by Doty Abrams; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Episodes Originally Transcribed by Eric Aasen, Mindy Mattingly Phillips, and guineapig; Annotated by ncp