Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around the kitchen table.
MonicaOk you know I think I am gonna go with the chicken piccata instead of the Cornish game hen.
PhoebeOh. But now, is there gonna be a vegetarian option you know for me?
PhoebeOh, great! What is it?
RossHey uh, Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys? Thought I'd take that bad boy out for a little spin.
RachelWait a minute! (To Monica) You let Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you say you're the only one who's allowed to drive it.
MonicaYeah, well he's my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could never hurt it.
RossIt's a car Monica! Not a rocket ship!
MonicaWhatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you're done.
JoeySaw the Porsche out there Mon, looking good. When do I get to take that baby out again?
Rachel(shocked) You let Joey drive it?!
PhoebeI've never driven it! Ok? Not once! Ok once. Ok, I drive it all the time.
MonicaNice work everybody! So much for the you know, "You can drive it, but don't tell Rachel" plan!
RachelWow! I can't believe you lied to me.
PhoebeOk, I can fix this! Ok Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding. (Rachel glares at her.) Yeah ok, I've blown both of your secrets. Now we're even.
MonicaOh Rachel the reason why I won't let you drive the Porsche is because you're a terrible driver. There! That wasn't about the wedding.
RossLook, Rach if-if you wanna go for a ride in the Porsche I'll be glad to take you for a quick spin around the block.
JoeyYeah, you got a couple hours?
Central Perk, Rachel is there as Ross enters with his all his hair sticking straight up.
RossWhew! That was a brisk ride!
RachelTake the top down did you?
RossOnly way to fly.
RachelCome on Ross give me the keys! Monica does not know what she's talking about! I am an excellent driver!
RossYou're fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.
RachelWell in high school, that added up to head cheerleader.
(A woman walks by and smiles at Ross's hair.)
RossDid you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must've seen me cruising in the bad boy.
RachelI think she's checking out your beehive Ross.
RossWhat?! (Checks his hair.) Give-give me a brush.
RachelGimme the keys!
RachelWell no brush!
RossFine! You know what? It doesn't matter, because, if I remember correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom.
(He goes to the bathroom and after he leaves Rachel goes through his coat and grabs the keys along with a $20 bill. The woman from before watches her do this.)
Rachel(to the woman) Alimony. (Runs outside.)
Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as Chandler exits from the bathroom.
MonicaHey Chandler, we still haven't gotten an RSVP from your dad.
ChandlerOh! Right. Umm, maybe that's because I didn't send him an invitation.
ChandlerAn invitation? That's like almost asking him to come.
MonicaChandler! He's your father; he, he should be at the wedding.
ChandlerI was gonna send him an invitation. But then I took a look at the stamp...it was one of those Marilyn Monroe stamps and I thought "My dad has that dress."
PhoebeWow. That must be a very different view when he stands over an air vent.
ChandlerYou should see him sing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President."
MonicaWe have to invite him.
ChandlerI don't even know the man. Ok? We're not that close. I haven't seen him in years.
MonicaWell what're you gonna do when he finds out he wasn't even asked?!
ChandlerWell he doesn't have to know! It's not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he, stars in a drag show in Vegas.
PhoebeOoh, I think I wanna trade circles.
ChandlerTrust me, you don't want him there either. Ok? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress.
MonicaSo what! As long as he's not wearing a white dress and a veil I don't care.
PhoebeOk, I think I need to do some shopping. (Gets up and leaves.)
A Street, Rachel is throwing her coat into the Porsche and getting in.
RachelAhhh! (Gets in.) Ooh, nice!
(Suddenly from out of nowhere Ross dives onto the hood.)
RossWhat do you think you're doing?!
RachelJust washing the windshield. (She turns on the wipers forcing Ross off of the hood.)
RossThere is no way I am letting you drive this car!
RachelCouldn't find the comb?
RossNo. So why don't you just hand over the keys?
(Transcriber's Note: She puts the key into the ignition, which is on the left side of the steering wheel. Does anyone know why that is? It's a tradition left over from Porsche's racing history. The world's greatest endurance race is the 24 Hours of Le Mans. Which is in France and runs for 24 hours straight from noon on Saturday through the dark of night and finishes at noon on Sunday. In the 60s Le Mans had a unique start where the drivers would actually start the race outside of the car and across the track. At the start of the race, the drivers would run across the track, get in the car, buckle up, start the car, and drive off. Porsche wanted to reduce the amount of time that took. Since all cars to that point had the ignition switches on the right side of the steering wheel, that required the drivers to use their right hand to grab the seat belts, put the car in gear and start it. The driver's left hand did nothing. Porsche in order to save a few seconds in a 24-hour race; moved the ignition switches to the left side of the steering wheel so that the driver could start the car with his left hand while grabbing the seat belts with his right hand. That's why every Porsche car built since then has the ignition on the left side of the steering wheel.)
RossNo ah-ah-ah! Do-do not start this car! (She starts the car.) Ok! Ok! I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now! (He looks for the twenty Rachel stole and doesn't find it.)
RachelLook, Ross, if you're so freaked out, just get in the car!
RossWith you?! Yeah right!
RachelAll right. (She starts off.)
Ross(grabbing the car) Ok! Ok! Ok! (He gets in, but into the back seat.)
RachelWhat are you doing?! Get in the front!
RossIn the death seat?!
(They drive off.)
Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are on the couch as a man enters.
ManReady to go?
PhoebeYeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica's. I'll be right back. (She goes to get it.)
Man(stopping her) Wait a minute!
PhoebeWhat? (He leans in to kiss her.) Oh. (They kiss and Phoebe pauses.) Ooh. (Pause) Ohh. Whoa! That one kept going. (Exits.)
JoeySo! You and Phoebe huh? How long have you been going out?
ManOver a month.
JoeyWow! Maybe uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little better.
ManSure, I'd like that.
JoeyYeah. So, uh, what's your name?
Man(laughs) It's Jake.
JoeyJoey. (They shake hands.) Hey Jake, do you like the Knicks?
JakeYeah, big fan.
JoeyMe too! There's a game on Tuesday, you wanna go?
JakeYeah that would be great! Let me make sure I'm not doing anything Tuesday. (He bends over to open his bag, when he does so his pants slide down his butt revealing a pink lace secret.)
Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering from the bedroom carrying two bags of luggage.
MonicaHere! (She sets a bag down in front of him.)
MonicaIt's your suitcase. We're going to Las Vegas.
ChandlerAre you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?! No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers- Think of the money we'll save!! (Monica just looks at him.) We're not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger please?
MonicaWe're going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It's time you two talk and I wanna get to know my father-in-law.
ChandlerYou already went over this and I won!
MonicaNo you didn't. Oh and honey, just so you know, now that you're marrying me, you don't get to win anymore.
ChandlerLook, forget it, ok? I don't wanna go. I don't wanna see him. I don't wanna.
MonicaChandler, look I-I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know...
ChandlerNo-no-no, all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you'd have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in high school, he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet. You know it's hard enough to be fourteen. You're skinny. You're wearing speedoes that your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up into the stands and there's your dad cheering you on, dressed as Carmen Miranda. He was wearing a headdress with real fruit, that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack!
MonicaBut he was there. Hi, my dad didn't come to one of my brownie meetings.
ChandlerYou were a Brownie?
MonicaNo, I... ate them. Hey, look, the point is that he was at every one of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on! Ok? That's a, that's a pretty great dad.
ChandlerHe had sex with Mr. Girabaldi!
MonicaWho's Mr. Girabaldi?
ChandlerDoes it matter?!
MonicaChandler, you're not fourteen anymore. Ok? Maybe it's time that you let that stuff go. If your father's not at your wedding... you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
ChandlerYeah o-ok, but I'm just doing this for you.
ChandlerSo I really never get to win anymore?
MonicaHow much 'd you ever really win before?
Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Joey enters.
JoeyListen, you know how uh, when you're wearing pants and you lean forward I check out your underwear?
JoeyWell, when Jake did it I saw that... he was wearing women's underwear!
PhoebeI know. They were mine.
JoeyOhhh. (Laughs.) No, No, wait, that's weird!
PhoebeNo, it's not! We were just goofing around and I dared him to try them on.
PhoebeI'm wearing his briefs right now.
JoeyThat's... kinda hot.
PhoebeI think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.
JoeyYeah, I wouldn't know about that.
PhoebeAnd! You know Jake says? That women's underwear is actually more comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.
JoeyYeah well next thing you know, he'll be telling you that your high heels are good for his posture!
PhoebeThere is nothing wrong with Jake! Ok? He is all man! I'm thinking even more than you.
JoeyOh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink laceys.
PhoebeI'm just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in women's underwear! I don't think you could ever do that.
JoeyHey! I am secure with my masculinity.
JoeyYou've seen my huge stack of porn right? (Phoebe nods.)
(Gunter brings Joey a cup of coffee)
GuntherHere you go.
(As Joey leans over to get his coffee off the table, Phoebe tries to see his underwear.)
JoeyLook all you want, there's nothing there.
The Porsche, Rachel is driving along a highway and Ross has finally moved to the death seat and is terrified.
RossSlow down or I am returning to the back seat.
RachelWould you calm down?
RossNo! No! You are driving 15 miles over the speed limit.
RachelI am driving 5 miles over the limit. They raised it by 10.
Ross(in a nervous voice) What are they- crazy?!
RachelGod. I forgot how much I love driving. I've got to get my license renewed.
Ross(shocked) You don't have a valid driver's license- Ok that is it! Pull over right now!
RachelOh Ross you're so tense! You just gotta relax, ok? Just need to relax all right? Just need to relax... (She takes her hands off of the wheel.)
Ross(grabbing the wheel) What-what are you, crazy?! Are you- Ok that's not funny! Just stop horsing around!
RachelI am not horsing around, ok? I am Porsching around.
(Suddenly a siren goes off behind them.)
RachelUh-oh. (She starts to pull over.)
RossOk, stay calm. Nothing is gonna happen to you, you are not in that much trouble.
RachelReally? You think so?
RossI was talking to myself! You're going down!
[Joey and Rachel's, Joey is walking from the bathroom to his bedroom and walks past a pile of Rachel's laundry, which just happens to include a selection of panties. He stops, goes back to the basket, looks for Rachel, picks up a lavender thong, and heads for his bedroom. However, he decides he doesn't like his selection and goes back this time picking up a red low-cut silk brief and heads for his room, flexing along the way to prove his masculinity.]
Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas and the strip before we arrive at 4 Queens bar, where Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table waiting for the show to start.
A Waiter in Drag(to Chandler and Monica) Has someone taken your order yet?
MonicaUh oh yeah, she did. Uh, he did. (To Chandler) She? (To the waiter) I'm-I'm sorry I'm new. I...
Waiter in Drag(To Chandler) Hm-mmm?
ChandlerYeah, I just ordered a beer! (Pounds the table.)
Waiter in DragYou're straight. I get it. (Walks away.)
MonicaI still say that if we'd called your dad we coulda gotten better seats.
ChandlerNo! No! I don't want him to know we're yet! I'm not sure I'm ready for that. And besides he's not gonna be too happy to see me either.
ChandlerI don't know if I've told you this, but he's kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years.
ChandlerYeah, he's made phone calls, written letters, he came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. You know it's all very cats in the cradle- I don't wanna get into it. (The show starts.) Here we go.
AnnouncerLadies and gentlemen, please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!
(There's applause as Helena turns around and it's Kathleen Turner.)
ChandlerAnd there's daddy!
The Porsche, they have pulled over and are awaiting the cop to come talk to them.
RachelOk. Switch places with me! Switch places with me! Come on! I'll go under, you go over!
RossYeah, I'll get right on that.
RachelOh! Come on, Ross! (She tries to switch places with him and goes under his leg.)
RossWhat? No, hey, Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, I'm sure we won't get arrested for this.
(She sits back up as the policeman approaches. She undoes her top button.)
Rachel(sexily) Hi officer, was I going a little too fast?
RossOh my God.
PolicemanCan I see your license please?
RachelOh, yes, absolutely! You know, it's weird uh, but I had a dream last night that I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh... well, I probably shouldn't tell you the rest.
RossHe gave you a big fat ticket?
Rachel(handing it to him) Yes. Here you go Officer uh, Handsome.
RachelOops sorry, my mistake.
RossHere it comes.
PolicemanThis is a great picture.
RachelReally?! You think so? You know, I had just rolled right out of bed.
PolicemanYeah? Well you look phenomenal.
RossWell she should, it was taken ten years ago!
RachelYou know you're-you're probably uh, probably wondering about the old date on there.
PolicemanYes I am. You're an Aquarius, huh?
RachelI bet you're a Gemini.
RachelI knew it! I knew it, ahh....
PolicemanWell I tell you what...
PolicemanYou're not gonna speed anymore right?
RachelI won't speed.
PolicemanAnd you promise you'll get this taken care of right away?
PolicemanAnd in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license?
PolicemanCan he handle the stick?
RossI can handle the stick!
4 Queens Club, Helena Handbasket is singing.
HelenaI feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and... (She holds the mike out to the audience.)
MonicaThat can't be your father.
ChandlerBelieve me, I've been saying that for years. Oh my God!
ChandlerThat's Mr. Girabaldi playing the piano.
Helena(singing) For I'm loved by a pretty wonderful boy! (Applause.) Hello! And welcome to the show. I see some of our regulars in the audience. And a couple of irregulars. (He starts going into the audience.)
ChandlerHe's coming into the audience. He's coming into the audience.
MonicaRelax! You'll be fine. (Chandler exhales and turns off the table light.) Oh, much better. You're invisible now.
Helena(standing at a table and asking the guy sitting there) And where are you from?
HelenaSorry? (Holds out the mike.)
HelenaNo-no I heard! I'm just sorry.
ChandlerIt can't happen like this. Ok? I'll meet you back at the hotel.
(He gets up to walk out, but Helena spots and stops him.)
Helena(to Chandler's back) Oh look, a standing ovation already! So early in the show. Oh turn around honey; let me see your pretty face. (He slowly turns around. Helena recognizes him.)
MonicaCan we have our drinks please?! Uh, waiter-, tress!
Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.
JoeyHey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)
JoeyCheck it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that he's got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!
PhoebeWow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.
JoeyYou know, I'm beginning to see what Jake was talking about.
JoeyThe silk? Feels really good!
JoeyYeah! And-and things aren't as...smashed down as I thought they were gonna be.
PhoebeThat's great Joe!
JoeyYeah! And you have so many more choices than you do with men's underwear!
JoeyBikini, French cut, thong! And-and the fabrics! You get cotton, silk, lace! And you know what I've always wondered about?
JoeyPantyhose! You know? They way they start at your toe and they go all the way up to... (He mimed that and stops when he realized he went too far.) I should go take these off shouldn't I?
PhoebeI think it's important that you do.
(Joey agrees and heads to take them off.)
4 Queens Club, scene continued from earlier.
HelenaSo what's your name?
Chandler(resigning himself to his fate) Chandler. (He quickly sits down.)
HelenaChandler? What an unusual name! You must've had terribly fascinating parents.
ChandlerOh, they're a hoot.
Helena(To Monica) And who is your friend?
HelenaMonica! Where're you from?
HelenaI'm not very fond of New York. Queens I like. (Noticing Monica's ring.) Ooh, what is this sparkling something! (Shows the audience who woos.) Honey! Huh?
ChandlerActually Monica and I, are engaged.
HelenaReally?! Congratulations. When's the big day?
Monica(looks at Chandler) In... in two weeks.
Helena(disappointed) I see. Well, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. (To a bald guy.) So, you're bald?
ChandlerWait! Wait! We'd really love it if you could be there.
HelenaReally? (Looks at Monica who nods.)
ChandlerI know it would make me happy, ma'am.
HelenaWell I wouldn't miss it for the world. Oh! I'm getting all misty here! You'd think I was having my legs waxed or something. (Goes back on stage.)
Monica(To Chandler) You ok?
ChandlerYeah. Thanks for making me do this.
HelenaBefore we go on with the show, I just wanna say to the bride and groom how lucky they are to have found each other. In every life, a little rain must fall. Fortunately, in my life... (Four guys wearing rubber boots, shorts, hats, and nothing else carrying umbrellas run onto the stage.) (Singing) It's raining men!
The Chorus LineHallelujah!
HelenaIt's raining men!
The Chorus LineAmen!
Chandler(To Monica) When I was growing up I... played the one on the far left.
The Porsche, cars are whizzing by and honking their horns on both sides very quickly as Ross creeps along.
RossI think you've had enough fun for today.
RachelYou know what, remind me to introduce you to someone!
(Suddenly a siren goes off.)
RossWhat?! What's he want?! I wasn't doing anything!
RachelWell maybe he saw your hand slip briefly from the ten and two o'clock position.
RossMaybe it's uh Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more! Perhaps he didn't tarnish the badge enough. (They pull over.)
RachelIt's a different guy!
(The policeman walks up.)
RossGood evening officer.
PolicemanDo you know how fast you were traveling back there?
RossAh no. I don't, but it could not have been more than sixty.
PolicemanYou're right. It was 37. (Rachel laughs.)
PolicemanMay I see your license please?
RossYou are kidding right? I mean you're not gonna give me a-a ticket for driving too slow are you?
Ross(to Rachel) You wanna help me out here?
RossCan you do your little... thing that you did before?
RachelOh, yeah I don't think so. I don't like- I don't think he wanna tarnish his badge.
(There's a pause as Ross gets suddenly flirtatious.)
RossYou know of-officer I uh... I had the weirdest dream last night...
RachelOh my God!
PolicemanYour license please.
Ross(laughs) You don't-you don't wanna hear about my dream Officer... Pretty?
PolicemanIt's Petty. (He grabs Ross's license.) I'll be right back with your ticket. (Walks back to his car.)
Rachel(pause) You have a son!
RossI know. I know.
Central Perk, Joey is returning from having removed Rachel's panties.
JoeyYeah! Much! Listen uh, not that I'm you know insecure about my manhood or anything you know, but uh I think I need to hook up with a woman like right now.
PhoebeYeah, I understand.
JoeyYeah! Ok! (He notices a beautiful woman sitting behind the couch and goes to talk to her.) Hey! Hi!
JoeyYou know, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
WomanI don't think so.
JoeyOh! Maybe it's because I'm on television. I'm an actor on Days of Our Lives.
Waitress(to the woman) $4.50 please.
JoeyOh, let me get this. (He takes out his wallet, but the panties come with it. The woman and waitress are shocked.) (Realizing) (To the woman) These are for you.
Teleplay by Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones; Story by Greg Malins; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added text by George Nanakis, Minor adjustments by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp