The Wedding Hall. Monica and Chandler are standing alone kissing.
MonicaOh my god! We did it.
ChandlerWe just got married, Right there (points to the spot they got married)
MonicaIs that your ring? (picks it up off the floor)
ChandlerWe're off to a good start. (puts the ring back on) And.. you sure you're not pregnant?
MonicaYeah, I'm sure. But honey, if you're ready to have kids, you know, we got a room upstairs, I mean, I'll blow off this party right now, I'll do it!
(the other four enter)
(They all share hugs Monica and Chandler)
RachelOk, you guys, that ceremony, was so beautiful.
MonicaWas it? Was it perfect? Is it too soon to see the video?
PhoebeBut you guys, can we just please take a moment? Our two best friends just got married. We are so blessed, to be able to share in this incredible joy.
JoeyThat is so true. Mon, is it too late to switch from chicken to steak?
RossI'm so happy for you guys, and aw, and you were both so lucky. I mean, you-you- you both said the right names. And-and nobody was drunk. Nobody was gay. On your first try. (starts to cry)
The Wedding Hall, Monica and Chandler have just said "I do," and the photographer is taking the required pictures. First of Monica, Chandler, Ross and Joey.
PhotographerGreat. (Takes a picture.) Great! Just give me a sec, change film.
Ross(To Monica) Ok, I know I'm not supposed to know, but I do. And I'm so excited for you!
JoeyWhat? What's going on?
JoeyOh my God! Is that why you guys had to get married?!
MonicaGuys! I'm not pregnant.
JoeyAh. (To Chandler) Slow swimmers? (Chandler looks at him.)
RossWhat?! What do you mean? You-you-you're not pregnant?
MonicaYou didn't tell anybody I was, did you?!
RossNo! (Pause) I'll be right back. (To the photographer) You, take a lot of pictures. (Exits.)
PhotographerNow why don't we get a shot of just Monica and the bloody soldier.
Monica(To Joey) Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party.
JoeyI can't! I-I don't have any other clothes here.
MonicaFind some! Please! Anything that doesn't say I-I died tragically in France.
ChandlerOh, and be careful who you hug. Ok, my father's upstairs in tears because you got blood on his dress.
(Joey leaves to find clothes.)
PhotographerWell then why don't we see the bride and the groom and the bridesmaids.
PhoebeOk. (Phoebe and Rachel join Monica and Chandler on the altar.) Hey, Mon, why did you tell the guys you weren't pregnant?
MonicaBecause I'm not.
PhoebeWe found your test in the trash, if you're not pregnant- (She sees Rachel shaking her head) It's because I am.
(Flash, the photographer takes a picture of Monica and Chandler's stunned faces.)
ChandlerWhat?! What're you talking about?
MonicaHey, what're you talking about?
PhoebeYes, I...I am with child. (Flash) And I didn't wanna say anything because it's your day; I didn't wanna steal your thunder.
MonicaWait a minute! So you told people I was pregnant?! (Flash) Does this look like a conversation I wanna remember?!
ChandlerWho's the father?
PhoebeI can't say.
PhoebeI can't say, because he's famous.
RachelOh my God, who is it?! (Phoebe rolls her eyes.)
MonicaPhoebe, come on, you have to tell us.
PhoebeOk, ok. It's James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my baby.
ChandlerAs in Barbara Streisand's husband James Brolin?
PhoebeWhat?! Well he never said that to me!
PhotographerUh Monica, if you could step away, we'll get Chandler and the bridesmaids.
PhoebeHow about just the bridesmaids?
ChandlerYou know I am the groom right? I was told it was kind of a big deal.
RachelFor you. (Chandler leaves.)
PhoebeOh my God!
RachelOh, thank you for doing that. I just can't deal with this just quite yet.
PhoebeSo instead you told me Monica was pregnant.
RachelYou said that she was, I just didn't disagree with you.
RachelOh! (They smile and the picture is taken.) Oh by the way?
PhoebeOh, I know. I could only think of two names, him and Ed Begley Jr. and then, I remembered he's gay. So.
RachelEd Begley Jr. is not gay.
(Mr. and Mrs. Geller enter)
Mrs. GellerOh, congratulations.
Mr. GellerLooks who's married, and just in time to I hear.
(The both touch her belly)
(Ross has just entered the room)
RossSo if you've got this all under control, I'm just gonna.... (quickly exits)
Mrs. GellerI just wanted you to know, that you've made us happier, you have given us more joy.
MonicaMom, I'm-I'm not pregnant.
Mrs. GellerOh, oh well (walks off)
Monica(following her) But I did still get married today.
(The photographer takes their picture)
The Reception Hall, the party is in full swing.
BandleaderThank you very much! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Bing!
ChandlerBefore we go out there I got a present for ya.
MonicaHoney, I'm not gonna put my hand in your pocket!
ChandlerI've been taking dancing lessons.
ChandlerYeah, for last six weeks. I wanted this to be a moment you'll never forget.
MonicaOh that is so sweet!
ChandlerSo? Would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife?
(They walk onto the dance floor and Chandler slips and almost falls.)
MonicaWhat's the matter?
ChandlerI don't know, it's these new shoes, they're all slippery.
MonicaWell, are you gonna be able to do this?
(They start dancing and Chandler starts slipping around.)
MonicaWell, the good news is, I don't think anyone's looking at us.
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel at their table.]
PhoebeSo, you ready to talk about it?
PhoebeOk, we'll talk about something else then.
PhoebeWho's the father?!
RachelUgh! Look, honey you know what? I haven't told him yet, so until I do I don't think I should tell anybody else.
PhoebeYeah. That's fine. That's fair. Is it Tag?
PhoebeOk, I'm sorry. I'll stop.
PhoebeIs it Ross? It's Ross isn't it- Oh my God, it's Joey!
RachelHoney, stop it! Ok? I am not gonna tell you until I tell him.
PhoebeAh-hah! At least we know it's a him.
[Cut to Joey entering wearing a preppy tennis outfit.]
Monica(seeing him) Oh sweet Lord.
JoeyI'm sorry! Ok? I went down to the gift shop and it's either this or a bathrobe! Look, what's more important, the way I'm dressed or me being with you on your special day?
MonicaHoney, I'm not even to pretend I was listening. (Sees someone else.) Hey! Hey! (Goes over to that person.)
[Cut to the hallway outside the room, Ross is going to see which table he's at and sees a beautiful woman doing the same thing.]
RossHi. I'm uh, I'm Ross. I don't, I don't believe we've met. I'm Monica's older brother.
WomanOh hi, I'm, I'm Mona, from her restaurant.
RossOh! Hello uh, Mona from her restaurant. (He uses his card to mouth those words.) (Pause) Mona, wow what a, what a beautiful name.
MonaYou think so? I've always kinda hated it.
RossAw come on, Mona Lisa?
RossMona umm... Clickclocken. The famous botanist? Huh? Oh no she's uh-well she's dead now. But, supposedly she was once quite the hottie of the plant world.
MonaReally?! Well see? I never knew about her.
RossLinda Clickclocken. (Pause) So what uh, what-what table are you at? (She shows him.) Oh, uh, me too.
MonaOh good. Now there'll be someone there who likes my name.
Ross(sexily) Yes there will. (Mona leaves and Ross tries to find the same table.) Oh, guess what, Molly Gilbert, you've just been bumped up to table one. And if it's all right with you, I'm gonna take your place at table six- Martin Clickclocken.
[Cut back inside to Joey giving a beautiful woman a tennis lesson by standing behind her.]
JoeyThat's better, now-now bend your arms a little bit. Now look straight ahead. Ok? This time I want you to really put your ass into it. (They do a practice swing and she really puts her ass into it.)
[Cut to Chandler sitting down near Joey]
(Chandler is scrapping the soles of his shoes with a fork)
ChandlerWho's slippery now?
(Mr. Geller walks over)
Mr. GellerIsn't that just the best feeling? Rubbing a fork on the bottom of your shoe. (pats him on the shoulder and walks off)
(Chandler's mom walks over.)
Mrs. BingChandler darling! Look, my date's finally arrived. I'd like you to meet Dennis Phillips. Dennis, this is my son Chandler.
Mrs. BingYes, Dennis is a dear old friend and a fantastic lover.
ChandlerAre my ears bleeding?
Mrs. BingDon't mind Chandler, he's always been shy.
ChandlerYou're right. Bravo Dennis thanks for pleasing my mother so.
Dennis PhillipsOh, I'm so sorry I missed the ceremony, I was stuck at auditions.
Mrs. BingOh yes, Dennis is directing a new Broadway show.
JoeyI don't believe we've met, Joey Tribbiani.
Dennis PhillipsDennis Phillips.
JoeyWow, I've admired your work for years. You-you've done some really amazing stuff.
Dennis PhillipsOh, thank you. Well if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get myself a drink. I'll be back in a moment.
(Dennis and Mrs. Bing start to kiss passionately)
ChandlerOk, you stop.
(Dennis walks away.)
JoeyWow Dennis Phillips! That's great! How did you guys meet?
Mrs. BingWell, you know, it's a funny story.
ChandlerFunny ha-ha or funny (Mimes blowing his brain out.)
[Time lapse. The band is finishing another song.]
BandleaderThank you, thank you very much. Now if everyone will please take your seats, dinner will be served.
(Ross starts looking for table six and finds out that it's the kid's table. He sees Mona sitting at another table.)
RossHey! Uh, I thought, I thought you were at table six.
MonaUh no, nine. (Shows him the card again.)
RossOh see, before you uh, when you showed it to me you-you held it that way (he turns her hand upside down) which uh, which was misleading. Well I'm... (He goes at sits down at his new table and the kids stare at him.) Hello.
[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is putting tape on the bottom of his shoes.]
JoeyChandler. Will you see if your mom can give my résumé to Dennis Phillips?
ChandlerOh well, They've kind of locked themselves in one of the men's room stalls right now. Perhaps when they get out.
JoeyGreat. 'Cause if I can get in a Broadway show then I would've done it all, film, television, and theater. The only thing left would be radio, that's just for ugly people.
ChandlerWhat size shoes do you wear?
JoeyUh, eleven, eleven and a half.
ChandlerGreat, 'cause my shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance floor, can I borrow the boots from your costume?
JoeyUh, I don't even really know where I left those. Uh, sorry.
Chandler(looking at Joey's feet) Those aren't eleven and a half.
JoeyOk, fine! I'm a seven! All right, I have surprisingly small feet. But the rest of me is good, I'll show you! Uh, who am I kidding, I belong in radio.
[Cut to Monica and Rachel at their table.]
MonicaCan you believe Phoebe got pregnant?!
RachelOh, you know what honey? Let's not talk about that right now?
MonicaThis is so huge.
RachelSure, but come on, as big as your wedding?
MonicaOf course not, nothing is. Wow, between me and you...
Monica...in this day and age how dumb do you have to be to get pregnant?
RachelHey! You know, sometimes you can do everything right, everyone can wear everything they're supposed to wear, and one of those little guys just gets through!
RachelI don't know! Maybe they have tools.
MonicaWell I-I talked to her and uh, she's definitely gonna have this baby. You know, she said she's gonna raise it on her own.
RachelWell, maybe that's, maybe that's really brave.
MonicaMaybe. I just hope she realizes that how hard it's gonna be.
RachelMaybe she hasn't really thought it through that much.
MonicaWell, there's a lot to think about. I mean, how is she, how is she gonna handle this financially? How is she gonna juggle work? How I- she realizes she's not gonna have a date again for the next like, eighteen years?
Rachel(starting to cry) I don't know.
Monica(Are) you ok?
RachelUh-hmm. I'm just thinking about Phoebe; poor knocked up Phoebe.
RachelOh, yes! Thank you very much! (She grabs a glass, takes a sip, and realizes what she just did. She then tries to spit the champagne back into the glass without Monica noticing. It doesn't work.) Oh that's-that's actually how the French drink it.
PhoebeWell, I just got off the phone with my lover, James Brolin...
PhoebeYes, and apparently he is married to some singer, but he said he would leave her for me. And I said, "James, James Brolin, are you sure?" James Brolin said...
Monica(interrupting) Rachel's really the one who's pregnant.
Phoebe(shocked) What?! (deadpan) Why bother?
MonicaHow do you feel?
RachelI don't know. I don't know how I feel. This is all happening so fast. I have to make all these decisions that I don't wanna make. (Takes another sip of champagne and spits it back out) Somebody just take this away from me!
PhoebeCalm down. Maybe you're not pregnant.
PhoebeWhen I got pregnant with the triplets, I took that test like three times just to make sure.
MonicaYes! Maybe it's a false positive. Are you sure you peed on the stick right?
RachelHow many ways are there to do that?
PhoebeI'm-I'm just saying, don't freak out until you're a hundred percent sure.
RachelAll right, I'll-I'll take it again when I get home. I can, I can wait 'til then. Wow, this is such a good party. How late does it go till?
MonicaRachel, you-you gotta take it now.
RachelNo, this is your wedding.
MonicaNo-no-no, we're not gonna be able to have fun until we know. Come on, do it as a present to me.
RachelOk. Thank you.
PhoebeI'll run out and get you one.
RachelOh, you guys are so great.
MonicaOh, wait a minute! Who's the father?
PhoebeOh no, she won't tell us.
MonicaOh, come on it's my wedding! That can be my present.
RachelWh-Hey, I just gave you peeing on a stick.
PhoebeSee? This is why you register.
[Cut to Ross at the kiddie table. He reaches for something and a fart noise emanates which causes the kids to laugh.]
RossIt was the chair again! Ok? I'm not doing it!
BenDad, can't you go back to your table?
RossWh-? No, ok, apparently little Molly Gilbert is enjoying her grown-up salmon en croute. (He takes a bite out of his hot dog. the band starts up again and he starts to leave his seat, but it "farts" again) It what-look, I don't-you know what-eh-eh... (He walks away and goes over to Mona.) Hi.
RossUmm, would you like to dance?
RossOh great! (They get up to dance and Ross is interrupted by a little girl.)
Little GirlDr. Geller?
RossI wasn't farting! (To Mona) Uh, a little game from our table. (To the little girl) Yes?
Little GirlDr. Geller, will you dance with me?
RossOh umm, well uh, maybe-maybe later. Right now, I'm about to dance with this lady.
Little GirlOk. (She drops her head in disappointment and walks away.)
RossUh, unless! Unless, uh this lady wouldn't mind letting you go first.
MonaI'd be happy to. (To Ross) You, are very sweet.
RossYes I-I am. In fact umm hey, why don't we try it my special way? You can dance on my feet.
RossYeah? Hop on. (They start dancing and Mona sits down.) Is the pretty lady looking?
[Cut to Chandler in the hallway practicing dancing and is doing it very well.]
ChandlerAnd the world will never know.
JoeyHey! Did you talk to Dennis about me yet?
ChandlerYes, I told him how talented you were. I told him all about Days Of Our Lives.
JoeyNo-no! No! No! You don't tell a Broadway guy that! Now he thinks I'm just a soap actor.
ChandlerBut you're not just a soap actor. You are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet.
JoeyHey! He has no idea what kind of range I have. (He gets an idea) Ooooh... don't move.
ChandlerAhh... it's like he's running on tiny little pegs.
[Joey walks back inside just as Ross's dance is finishing.]
Little GirlThank you.
RossNo-no, thank you Miranda.
RossAll right. (Walks over to Mona.)
MonaHow cute was that?
RossOh-oh, were you, were you watching?
(Another little girl walks over to him.)
Second GirlCan I go next?
RossWhat? Of course you can! Hop on!
MonaOk, but I get to hop on after her. (Ross bites the air in response.)
RossI am so gonna score.
RossI like your bow.
[Behind them, Joey goes up to the bandleader and interrupts the song.]
Joey(clinks his glass) I'd, I'd like to propose a toast. To Monica and Chandler, the greatest couple in the world. And my best friends. Now, when I first found out they were getting married I was, I was a little angry. I was like, (overly angry) "Why God? Why? How can you take 'em away from me?!" But then I thought back over all our memories together, some happy memories. (Does a fake laugh.) And-and there was some sad memories. (Starts to break down and cry.) I'm sorry. And-and some scared memories- Whoa! (He jumps back, startled.) Eh? And then, and then I realized I'll always be their friend, their friend who can speak in many dialects and has training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity. (Starts to walk away, but realizes something.) Oh! To the happy couple!
[Time Lapse, the interrupted song is finishing.]
Ross(to the second girl) That was very nice Ashley.
AshleyCan we do it again?
RossNo-no. (Walks over to Mona again.)
MonaSo, is it my turn now?
(A large little fat girl walks over.)
Fat GirlI'm next!
RossOh! (Recoils in horror.)
MonaUh, that's ok. You can dance with her first.
RossOh, you-you sure? (She nods yes.) Ok. (To the girl) Ok. So what's uh, what's your name.
RossIt's, it's pretty. (They start to dance and Gert tries to step on Ross's feet, but he pulls them out of harm's way.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What're you doing there Gert?
GertDancing on your feet! Like the other girls did it.
RossOk. (Swallows hard.) Hop on Gert. (She does and Ross winces in pain.)
GertWhy aren't you moving your feet?
RossI'm trying. (He strains to move his feet.)
GertFaster! You're not going fast enough!
RossMaybe I should stand on your feet! (Gert's shocked and Ross realizes what he said and tries to brush it off.)
[Cut to Joey going over to talk to Dennis Phillips.]
JoeySo, did you uh, happen to catch my toast up there?
Dennis PhillipsOh my God, that was for my benefit?
JoeyWell, I'd like to think there was a little something for everyone. Look, I know you're casting for this new show...
Dennis PhillipsLook umm Joey, I-I don't think you're quite right for this project.
JoeyOh, see that's where you're wrong. Whatever it is I can do it. And you if didn't see it up there, just-just try me.
Dennis PhillipsIt's an all Chinese cast. Can you be Chinese?
JoeyWell I'm not proud of this, but... (He turns around and starts to mess with his eyelids.)
Dennis PhillipsOh my God! No-no-no! Please! Please! Don't-don't-don't!
[Cut to Monica walking up to Chandler.]
MonicaHey, are you ready to get back on the dance floor?
ChandlerDid it turn into sand?
MonicaOh come on, I love this song! Come on, you'll be fine. (She starts to walk towards the floor.)
Chandler(sliding up behind her) No. No, I won't. Do you know why I took all those lessons? See, for the first time I didn't want you to be embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot.
MonicaOh sweetie, you could never embarrass me. (Chandler grunts.) Ok, you could easily embarrass me. But come on, it doesn't matter. All right? I married you! No matter what you do, I'm gonna go home with you, Ok? So, I wanna dance on my wedding night with my husband. Come on!
ChandlerDon't tell ya, that's the last time I'm gonna buy shoes at the Slippery Fun Shoe Store. (They go onto the floor.)
MonicaJust try not to move your feet at all. (Chandler starts to get into the groove and bust a move.) There you go.
(Mr. Geller dances over.)
Mr. GellerChandler, I'm gonna have you arrested.
Mr. GellerYou stole my moves. (He starts to dance like Chandler was and Chandler stops but quickly starts up again)
Mrs. GellerWow, Chandler you're quite the dancer.
ChandlerThanks Mrs. Geller.
Mrs. GellerOh come on. You can call me mom.
ChandlerReally? I will.
(He starts to dance wildly, but his legs start to slide apart)
Mrs. GellerWhat's the matter?
(Chandler falls backwards taking Mrs. Geller's skirt with him revealing her in sexy underwear and suspenders)
The Women's Restroom, Rachel and Phoebe are waiting for the outcome of Rachel's second test.
RachelHow much longer?
Rachel30 seconds, ok.
Monica(entering) Did I miss it? (Phoebe nods no.) Rachel, I-I want you to know that, if it's positive, we're gonna...
RachelOh I know. I know. (They hug.)
MonicaYou do. Ok.
(Another woman starts to enter.)
The GirlsNo! (The woman backs out.)
MonicaAll right. Go ahead Rach.
(She goes over to look.)
RachelOh wait! You know what? I can't, I can't look at it. I can't look at it. Somebody else tell me, somebody tell me.
PhoebeUmm, it's negative.
RachelOh. Oh. Well there you go. Whew! (Pause) That is-that's great-that is really great-great news. (Pause) You know, 'cause the whole, uh, not being ready and the kinda financial aspects all that. Whew. Wow, this is so just the way that it was supposed to be. (Starts to cry.)
MonicaWell... then, great.
PhoebeHere. (Gives Rachel a tissue.)
Rachel(Crying) It's- God this is so stupid! (Pause) How could I be upset over something I never had? It's negative?
PhoebeNo, it's positive.
PhoebeIt's-it's not negative, it's positive.
RachelAre you sure?
PhoebeWell yeah, I lied before.
PhoebeNow you know how you really feel about it.
RachelOh-oh, that's a risky little game!
MonicaAre you really gonna do this?
RachelYeah. I'm gonna have a baby. I'm gonna have a baby. I'm gonna have a baby! (They all hug.)
RachelAh, it's still not the time.
The Reception, Joey is helping Ross walk after Gert got through with him and Mona is looking on concerned.
RossI just didn't see the fast song coming.
JoeyShh. Shh. Don't try to talk, we'll get you up to your room, we'll soak your feet, you'll be ok.
RossOh, thank you.
MonaThat is so sweet!
MonaNo, I mean it. There are so few genuinely nice guys out there.
JoeyTell me about it, I feel like I'm holding down the fort all by myself.
MonaIt's Joey, right?
RossWait a minute! No! I'm the nice one! I'm the one who danced with the kids all night! Uh... How small are your feet?! (They all look down. Mona waves goodbye and walks off. Ross smiles happily)
Written by David Crane & Marta Kauffman; Transcribed by Eric Aasen with, additional material by Keith Owen; Annotated by ncp