The Hotel Lobby, Rachel and Phoebe are at the front desk checking out. RachelListen you know what sir? For the last time, I don't care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
Joey(entering) Hey!
PhoebeOh! Joey uh, were you in our room last night?
JoeyNo. (Phoebe grabs the receipt and shows it to Joey who gets mad.) I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!
(Chandler and Monica enter.)
Chandler(to the front desk clerk) Hi! We're checking out of the bridal suite.
Monica(depressed) That's right. I'm no longer a bride. I'll never be a bride again. Now, I'm just someone's wife!
ChandlerAnd I'm the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh come on, honey, don't be upset. We still have so much to look forward to!
MonicaOh yeah, right. (Rolls her eyes.)
ChandlerWe got the honeymoon.
MonicaOh, that's not 'til Thursday.
ChandlerThe wedding pictures?
MonicaThose won't be ready for weeks.
ChandlerNot the disposable cameras from the tables.
MonicaThat's true! (Happily) I knew I married you for a reason!
ChandlerI'll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go home.
MonicaOk.
(Joey giggles.)
ChandlerWhat? What did you take a picture of?
JoeyNothing! It was something.
ChandlerOk Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet?
RachelAre you joking? Check out is not 'til noon and he has a good (checks her watch) eleven minutes left.
ChandlerSo?
MonicaSo, Ross's never checked out of a room a minute before he had to.
RachelYeah, one-one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got so excited it was the best sex we ever had. Until you know, he screamed out Radisson at the end.
ChandlerOk, well I'm gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed. (Joey laughs again.) 32 Joe. You're 32! (Exits)
Front Desk Clerk(To Monica) Here's a copy of your bill.
MonicaOh, thanks. (Reading the bill) Champagne, strawberries... Oh my God! I can't believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night!
JoeyYeah, that's sad. Mashuga nut? Ross's Hotel Room, There is a knock on the door. RossI have 6 minutes left!
Chandler(from outside) It's me.
RossOh (He lets Chandler in) Hi.
ChandlerHey. (He sees that Ross is packing all of the hotel toiletries) Soaps? Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff?
RossWhy not? It's-It's built into the price of the room.
ChandlerYeah but you don't need (Picks up something) What is this?
RossThread!
ChandlerScore! Where are the disposable cameras?
RossWhat disposable cameras?
ChandlerThe cameras? Remember last night I asked you to take them?
RossNo you didn't.
ChandlerYes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you and I said...
RossOh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and-and asked if I could do you a favor, and then my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?" (Chandler laughs.) Yeah, then you did that and my Uncle Murray looked at me like (Does a face that means "what?")
ChandlerSo, you don't have the cameras?!
RossNo. Sorry man.
ChandlerSo? What? What? They're gone! Monica's gonna freak!
RossWell, I'm sure they're still somewhere here in the hotel. I'll-I'll help you look for them.
ChandlerGreat.
RossYeah, in-in three minutes.
(Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the door, and then opens it again right away. Ross looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross already packed.) Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is entering to see Monica sitting in front of a mound of wedding gifts. PhoebeHey!
MonicaHey!
PhoebeAre you gonna open the presents without Chandler?
MonicaNo! (Pause) But, they're calling out to me! I mean this little guy (Holds up a small one) even crawled up into my lap. Oh come on, Chandler wouldn't mind if I opened just one present! What do you think it is?
PhoebeA little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old woman.
(Monica opens it anyways.)
MonicaA tiny salt shaker!
PhoebeOhhh! My God! For tiny salt!
MonicaOh wow! Ok. Well that was fun.
PhoebeOh, yeah.
MonicaThat's fun. Ok, I'm just gonna wait for Chandler to open the rest of them.
PhoebeOk.
MonicaWhew. Although you know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. I guess you know, it may just count as half a present. What do you think?
PhoebeWell I guess it's ok to open one more if it's part of a set. You know, it's probably this one. (Grabs another small one.)
MonicaOr, this one! (She grabs and starts to open the biggest present.)
Rachel(entering) Hi.
MonicaHey, how are you feeling? Any morning sickness?
RachelShh-shh-shh! The guys don't know yet, do they?
MonicaNo! Joey and Ross don't know anything and Chandler still thinks that Phoebe's pregnant.
PhoebeOk that's right Chandler does still think I'm pregnant. He hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. (Monica looks at her.) After you of course.
RachelDon't worry I promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a few more hours, 'cause I'm going to tell the father today.
PhoebeOoh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first floor?
RachelEw! No!
PhoebeWhat?! I think he's cute.
RachelWell, then you have his baby.
PhoebeBelieve me, I'm trying.
MonicaWow. You know it is so weird. I mean, you're gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea what's gonna happen.
RachelHmm.
PhoebeYeah. Yeah, you're just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever. You're like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual magnetism.
RachelYeah. I- Well-, I guess it is pretty big news.
PhoebePretty big? It's huge! God, this guy doesn't have a clue! He's just walking down the street thinking, 'I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!' then bam! He's a father, everything's different.
RachelWell it's only different if he wants it to be. I mean, I'm not gonna ask him for anything.
PhoebeOk. Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now he's walking around thinking, 'Do I wanna be a dad?' and then bam!
MonicaWhat was that bam?
PhoebeI don't know. He got... he-he-he-he's hit by a bus, or something.
Joey(entering) Hey!
RachelHey, Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?
Joey(warily) Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call! (Starts to leave) I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut!
RachelOh, Joey! Joey! Nah, it's not you! You didn't get anybody pregnant!
JoeyOh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on? (Pause.) Is somebody pregnant?
(Rachels looks at Phoebe.)
PhoebeOh, yeah. That's me.
JoeyOh my God, Pheebs! You're gonna have a baby?
PhoebeYes. Yes I am. Oh my God, I'm gonna have a baby! (Joey and Phoebe hug.)
JoeyWhoa, wait a minute. Who's the father?
PhoebeYou don't know him. It's not important. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. (She sits down like she's pregnant.)
JoeyWell who is this guy?! Huh? Who is he? 'Cause I will track him down and kick his ass!
PhoebeDavid Lynn.
JoeyDavid Lynn! David Lynn! David Lynn! (Exits)
MonicaWho's David Lynn?
PhoebeOh some guy from my gym. A little annoying. The Banquet Room, Chandler is under one of the tables as Ross enters. RossChandler?
ChandlerHey! Did you find the cameras?
RossNo. Did you?
ChandlerYes! That's why I'm under the table. Celebrating.
RossWell I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager, no-one's turned them in.
ChandlerWell this is great. You know, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she's really depressed.
RossNow, you guys just got married, why is she so depressed?
ChandlerAll my energy is going into not asking that question. I can't believe I screwed this up!
RossI'm sorry man. (Formally dressed people start to enter.) Here's a thought. This is the same ballroom. There's a band. There's gonna be plenty of dressed up people.
ChandlerAre you suggesting we dance our troubles away?
RossNo-no-no, I'm saying we-we buy more of these (disposable cameras) at the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make sure not to get anybody else's faces.
ChandlerAre you serious?
RossI'm just thinking about your new bride at home. Ok? Do-do you really wanna start your life together by letting her down?
ChandlerMarriage advice? Really?!
RossI'm telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren't these the same flowers?
ChandlerI don't know, Monica picked out the flowers.
RossEh what about the chairs?
ChandlerShe picked those out too.
RossHow about the place settings?
ChandlerThat was her.
RossWhat did you do?
ChandlerI was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop?
RossHmm. (They head off to the gift shop.) Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Phoebe enters. PhoebeHey! Ooh, did you do it yet?
RachelNot yet.
PhoebeOh, well what're you doing here? Are you about to do it? (Gasps) Is it Gunther?
RachelNo! Phoebe, it's not Gunther.
PhoebeThank God, 'cause that hair on a baby?
RachelPhoebe, the father is not here, ok? I haven't told him yet and I don't think I can tell him at all now!
PhoebeWhy not?
RachelI don't know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking, 'I'm gonna tell the father today and then bam!
PhoebeBus?
RachelNo, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all is!
PhoebeWell-well but it is huge.
RachelI know, but I was just thinking about how huge it was for me. I didn't even go to how huge this's gonna be for the father.
PhoebeYou're thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it over with. It's like, it's like ripping off this Band-Aid. (On her arm) Quick and painless, watch. (Rips it off.) Oh mother of... See? Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has now opened more of the wedding gifts. Joey(entering) Oooh! We're opening presents?
MonicaNo! No! I shouldn't've even opened these! I mean I- Joey I am out of control! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present! Ok?
JoeyOk.
MonicaGive me one more.
JoeyOk. (Hands her one.)
Phoebe(entering) Hey.
JoeyOh good, uh you're here. Uh Pheebs? Listen uh sit down. I-I got something I wanna say.
PhoebeAll right. (She sits down like she's pregnant again.)
JoeyUmm, now-now, it's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. You know, now, I always thought you and I have a, special bond so... (He goes to one knee and pulls out a ring.) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
MonicaOh my God! Joey!
PhoebeHell yeah! I'll marry you! (She grabs the ring and puts it on.)
MonicaYou can't marry him!
PhoebeHey, lady, your day's over! It's my turn!
MonicaPhoebe!
JoeyWhy?! Why can't she marry me?!
PhoebeI can and I will! (Kisses him.)
MonicaShe's not pregnant. It's Rachel. Rachel's the one who's pregnant. Ok?
JoeyOh my God.
PhoebeHey!
MonicaPhoebe I think he would notice if you didn't have a baby in nine months!
PhoebeIt's Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her and she mouths 'I love you' to him.)
Joey(smiles then stops) Now I can't believe it! What? Rachel's pregnant? (The girls nod yes.) Who's the father?
PhoebeWe don't know.
JoeyOhh... I wonder if it's that dude.
MonicaThere's a dude?
JoeyYeah.
PhoebeWho? Who is it?
JoeyAbout a month ago, this guy spent the night with Rachel, I didn't see who it was but... (He walks out and closes the door.)
PhoebeWas that story over?
(They follow him and meet him in the hall coming out of his apartment carrying a sweater.)
JoeyThe guy left this.
Phoebe(gasps) Oh my God! I know who the father is... (She walks into Monica and Chandler's.)
MonicaPeople have got to finish their stories! The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler are in their tuxes and have started to fake the pictures. A lady walks past. RossHello. (She just ignores him. Ross then hugs Chandler and puts his arm out to take a picture.) I-I don't know if we're both in, come closer. (He takes the picture)
ChandlerNice aftershave.
RossThanks. Hey, if you want some, I got 8 mini bottles in my bag.
Chandler(to another couple) Uh, excuse me? Could you take a picture of us?
Woman At The WeddingOh! Of course. (Ross and Chandler pose and she takes the picture.)
Man At The WeddingUh, would you take one of us?
ChandlerUhh... Yeah! Sure. (Holds the camera up to his face.) Click!
Woman At The WeddingIt didn't click.
RossI heard it. I heard it.
Man At The WeddingBut there was no flash.
Woman At The WeddingWhy won't you take our picture?
ChandlerOh yeah. I'll take, I'll take your picture. (He takes the picture with his finger over the lens.)
Man At The WeddingUh, your finger was covering the lens.
ChandlerWho are you? Ansel Adams?! Get outta here! Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are about to go inside. PhoebeLook, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you could tell him. Go!
RachelWhat? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?
PhoebeI may play the fool at times, but, I'm a little more than just a pretty blond girl with an ass that won't quit. (She takes the sweater out of her purse.) I believe this belongs to the father of your baby.
RachelOh, God... Oh, he's in there right now?
PhoebeUh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the Band-Aid off. What to you wanna do?
RachelUh, let's rip!
PhoebeReally? Are you sure?
RachelOh Phoebe!
PhoebeOk, sorry. (They go inside to confront the father.)
TagHey Rach. The Banquet Room, Ross is taking a picture of a plant, Chandler a fork. The band stops. ChandlerAll right, why don't you go up on stage. I'll get a picture of you doing the speech.
RossOk. Ok!
(He goes up on stage, mimes like he's giving the speech, and Chandler takes his picture. However, before he gets down everyone starts clinking their glasses for a real speech.)
RossWill the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk? Your car is about to be towed.
Anxious Wedding Guest(rushing up) That's my car!
RossA '95 LeSabre?!
Anxious Wedding GuestYes!
RossA green LeSabre?
Anxious Wedding GuestYes!
RossI'm sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre.
Anxious Wedding GuestYes! Green-blue!
RossWell, go! Go move it! (He runs off.)
ChandlerOk, you ready for the last picture?
RossYeah.
ChandlerGet ready to run. (Chandler walks over to the new bride.) Congratulations on your wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the picture, and they both run out.) Central Perk, continued from earlier. TagSo, what's this about?
PhoebeRachel has something that she wants to tell you, and umm, I believe that this is your red sweater.
TagNo. (Unzips his coat.) This is my red sweater.
PhoebeOh, no. Could I get anyone a coffee or... poison? No? Just for me? Ok. (Walks away.)
TagWhat's going on Rach?
RachelNothing! Phoebe kinda made a mistake. But you know you do wear that sweater a lot, are, are you involved in some kind of dare?
TagYou know, I'm actually glad Phoebe called. (He pulls out a stool and Rachel sits down.) I know we broke up because you thought I wasn't mature enough, but I've really grown up and I think we should get back together.
RachelOh, it's just not the right time.
TagIt is the right time. (Takes her hand.)
RachelOk.
TagI'm ready for more.
RachelTag...
TagCome on Rach, let's give it another try.
RachelI'm having a baby.
TagOh. (He drops her hand.)
(Pause)
RachelYou can go.
TagThank you. (Gets up and hurries out.) Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has finished opening all the presents. She's ashamed of this, at least, because as someone enters... Monica(throwing up the last present) I don't know how any of these got opened?!
Joey(entering) You opened them all?
MonicaI know! I know! I am a terrible person! I mean, Chandler is never gonna trust me with anything ever again!
JoeyOh hey! You got my parent's gift! (Holds it up.)
MonicaYeah. What is that?
JoeyWell, I don't know. I think it does something to salami.
(Phoebe and Rachel enter.)
MonicaHey! How'd it go?
JoeyYeah. What-what'd Tag say?
RachelTag is not the father! And Joey knows now?
JoeyI do Rach. I do, and I am so happy for you. (They hug.)
RachelOhhh. Wow, you didn't even try to unhook my bra!
MonicaSo are you ever gonna tell whoever it is?
RachelNo, I will. I'm just not up for it tonight.
JoeyOk Rach listen, no matter what this guy says I want you to know you're not gonna be alone in this.
RachelI'm not?
JoeyNo. Listen I uh... (He takes her hand.) It's a scary world out there especially if you're a single mom. I always felt like you and I have this-this special bond. You know? So, (gets down on one knee again) Rachel Green will you marry me?
RachelWhat?
MonicaWhat?!
PhoebeWhat?!
JoeyPheebs, give me the ring back!
PhoebeNo!
RachelNo! Joey, oh you're so sweet. You're so-so sweet, honey. But I'm not, I'm not looking for a husband.
Joey(heartbroken) I understand.
RachelWell, you know, if you'll excuse me I am going to go and lie down. (Joey and Rachel hug again, this time he unhooks her bra) Oh, Joey!
JoeyWhat? I proposed to you. It balances out.
(Rachel leaves)
PhoebeI can't say that didn't hurt. But I'll take you back Joey Tribbiani.
JoeyUh yeah. Pheebs, listen about that. I only offered...
PhoebeOoh! A Salami Buddy!
JoeyThere you go!
(Chandler and Ross enter with the new pictures.)
ChandlerWe're back!
MonicaGreat! We're hanging in the kitchen! (She drags him into the kitchen and turns his back to the living room) Let's stay in the kitchen!
ChandlerIt's picture time.
RossNow you are gonna love these.
Chandler(showing her the pictures) Here's a picture of Ross. (Shows another one.) And that's me. (Another one.) And that's me and Ross. (Another one.) Oh-ho, here is a picture of our first kiss as a married couple.
MonicaWow! That is a great picture!
ChandlerEh?
MonicaYeah! Oh and interesting because I found the cameras in one of our bags! (Throws them into his chest.)
RossHuh, didn't see that coming.
ChandlerOk, so this isn't a picture of our first kiss, but it is a picture of my first kiss with... with this lady. Which by the look on your face I'm sure you'll remember. So we don't need (Rips the picture) There's no need. How about I take the real pictures, get developed right now.
MonicaThat'd be a good idea.
ChandlerOk. (Sees the living room.) You opened all the presents without me?! I thought we were supposed to do that together!
MonicaYou kissed another woman?!
ChandlerCall it even?!
MonicaOk! (They high five and he walks out.)
RossWell, I'm gonna go get these (the floral bouquet he walked in with) in some water.
PhoebeWait, you stole those from these people's wedding?
RossNo-no, I took them from the hotel lobby. Yeah, they think they can charge me for some dirty movie and a bag of Mashuga nuts, they got another think coming. (Starts to leave.) Hey! My sweater! I've been looking for this for like a month!
(He exits leaving a stunned Phoebe and Monica.)
Monica and PhoebeOh my God!
Joey(slow on the uptake) Oh my God! A Street, Ross walks past Tag wearing the same red sweater. RossHey! How're you doing?
TagGood, Good, long time no see.
RossYeah.
TagLike your sweater.
RossOh hey, right back at ya.
TagOh, it's crazy about Rachel huh?
RossYeah. She-Well, she's-she's one crazy lady.
TagSo whose is it?
Ross(shows Tag his sweater tag) Umm, I don't know, some Italian guy. Come on, read your own label. See you later.
TagYeah.
(They separate.)
RossHe is so weird.

Written by Dana Klein Borkow; Directed by David Schwimmer; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with additional material by Keith Owen; Annotated by ncp