Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are getting ready to go on their honeymoon. Monica is entering from the bedroom. ChandlerHey! Babe! Aren't you excited we're going on our honeymoon?
MonicaYeah I am!
Chandler(singing) Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama...
MonicaThat's right. Get it out of your system while we're alone.
Joey(entering with Phoebe) Hey! We came to say goodbye.
PhoebeYeah! Have a great honeymoon!
MonicaThanks.
ChandlerI'd better go pack.
MonicaOh no, I already packed. The only thing I couldn't find though was your Speedo.
(Joey looks at him, Phoebe tries not to smile, and Chandler is shocked.)
ChandlerA Speedo? Uh, I don't have a Speedo. I'm gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit. (Goes into the bedroom.)
Rachel(entering) Oh good you're still here!
MonicaHey!
RachelI wanted to tell you to have a good honeymoon! (Hugs Monica.)
MonicaOh, thank you.
RachelOh, and I also wanted you guys to know that I am telling the father today. (They all look at her expectantly) What? What? What?
(Pause.)
JoeyWe know it's Ross!
RachelHow?! How do you know?
PhoebeIt was his sweater, but- Oh my God!
RachelOh, I so wanted Ross to know first, but I'm so relieved that you guys know.
MonicaThis is so great! And I'm gonna be your baby's aunt!
RachelI know! (They hug.)
PhoebeMe too! (Joins the hug.)
JoeyI'm gonna be an uncle! Come here! (He joins the hug.)
Rachel(breaking the hug) You're all gonna be aunts and uncles.
MonicaYeah, but I'm the only one related by blood.
RachelOk. Great! So now that you guys all know, you could help me, give me some advice on how I'm gonna tell Ross!
MonicaWell, what were you gonna say?
RachelWell I was gonna tell him that I'm-I'm gonna have the baby and he can be as involved as he wants.
JoeyWell, that, that sounds good.
RachelYeah but you know, how do I start? I mean, what's-what's the first thing that I say? (They all pause to think.) Ok great! Thanks. (She starts to leave.)
MonicaHey! Good luck!
PhoebeYeah, bye.
JoeyBye.
(Rachel exits.)
Chandler(entering) Hey, what was that all about?
MonicaWell, I guess it's there is no harm in telling you now, uh, Rachel and Ross are going to have a baby.
Chandler(in a high-pitched voice) What?! I didn't even know that- Why didn't you tell me?! (Pause) Why am I talking like this?!
MonicaI didn't think you could keep it a secret.
Chandler(in the high-pitched voice) What?! (he clears his throat, then again in a high-pitched voice) What?! (Normal voice) I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets.
JoeyWhat secrets?
ChandlerOh no-no Joey, I am not gonna tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.
(The girls walk away.)
Joey(whispering to Chandler) You'll tell me later?
ChandlerYou already know. Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are entering. PhoebeOh, it's so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon.
JoeyYou know, Monica and Chandler are married. Ross and Rachel are having a baby. Maybe you and I should do something.
PhoebeAll in good time my love. All in good time. Oh shoot! I left my guitar in their apartment. Well you can let me in later right?
JoeyNo, I don't have a key, they took mine to give to you.
PhoebeWhat?! They took mine to give to you!
JoeyWhy would they take away our keys?
PhoebeMaybe they don't trust us.
JoeyNo that's not it. They let me keep my key the last time they were out of town.
PhoebeYou mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with Monica's guest towels?
JoeyHey, I washed those!
PhoebeNo you didn't.
JoeyYeah that didn't sound like me.
PhoebeWell, what am I gonna do? I really need my guitar!
JoeyYeah, I have stuff in there too.
PhoebeWhat stuff?
JoeyMonica's chicken parm! I'll take care of it. (He picks up the phone) Hey, Mr. Treeger, it's Joey Tribbiani. Listen, I-I need to get into Monica and Chandler's apartment. It's an emergency. (Listens) Uhh, gas leak! Yeah oh, and bring garlic bread. (Hangs up.)
Ross(entering) Hey! Did Monica and Chandler take off yet?
JoeyYeah.
RossDamn. They left without my pass to the Nassau Fossil and Natural History Museum.
JoeyThere goes the honeymoon.
PhoebeDid Rachel find you?
RossNo, why?
PhoebeOh she was looking for you.
RossOh, well, I guess I'll catch up with her later.
PhoebeWell, she really wanted to talk to you now.
JoeyYeah, it seemed pretty important.
RossOh, no.
PhoebeWhat?
RossI think I might know what this is about.
(Phoebe and Joey trade looks)
JoeyReally?
RossYeah. Uh, uh we promised we weren't gonna tell anybody this but uh, about a month ago Rachel and I slept together.
Phoebe(deadpan) And?
RossWow! I thought you'd be a little more shocked.
PhoebeOh, sorry. (Shocked) And?!
RossWell, we-we said we'd just do it that one time but, but now I-I think she may wanna start things up again.
JoeyYeah, I don't think that's what it is.
RossWhy? What-what else could it be?
JoeyOh wow, I don't feel well.
RossI'm telling you. I'm telling you. That's what it is. Oh, no wonder she was looking at me all funny during the wedding. She didn't say anything to you?
Phoebe(To Joey) Maybe it's something you ate?
JoeyPlease, just-just, just go and talk to Rachel.
RossYeah, I guess I should. (Starts to leave.) Man, you know what I have to realize? Maybe I'm not the type of guy women can have just one night with. You know, they-they always seem to want a little bit more. I should remember that. (He pauses and then exits.) The Airport Ticket Counter, Monica and Chandler are standing in line behind another couple kissing who are next in line to be served. Ticket AgentNext?
(The kissing couple doesn't move.)
MonicaThey're kissing, let's just go around them.
ChandlerOh honey, leave them alone, they're in love.
MonicaI'm in love too! But in an orderly fashion.
Ticket AgentNext?
Monica(to the couple) Hi! Can you do that and walk? Because she said, "Next."
(The couple moves up to the counter.)
WomanSorry. We didn't hear you; we're on our honeymoon.
Ticket AgentOh, let me see what I can do. (Checks the computer) There are some first class seats available.
Monica(To Chandler) Did you hear that?! They bumped them up to first class because they are on their honeymoon! Come on! Let's act like we're on our honeymoon.
ChandlerWe are on our honeymoon.
MonicaGrab my ass!
Ticket AgentNext?
(They go up to the counter.)
MonicaHi, sorry. I almost didn't hear you, because you know I'm just so in love with my new husband. You know, we're on our honeymoon.
Ticket AgentCongratulations. Hey, Mr. Bing, you'll be in 25J and Mrs. Bing you're in 25K.
MonicaOh no, you see we're on our honeymoon. So umm, can you do your little thing and bump us up to first class?
Ticket AgentI'm sorry, all the first class seats are taken. That couple got the last two.
MonicaYou see, if we'd gone around them like I said, then she would've given us those tickets. Damn it!
Chandler25J and K, any chance those aren't together? Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Joey are playing Rock 'em, Sock 'em Robots. JoeyI still can't believe they took away my key. I mean, you trust me with yours.
PhoebeOf course I do! And I'm gonna get it back to you just as soon as they're done with it at the key shining place.
(They hear a knocking sound coming from the hallway and go to investigate.)
JoeyWhat the hell is that?
(They go into the hallway and see Mr. Treeger watching one of New York's bravest break down Monica and Chandler's door with an ax.)
JoeyWhoa! Whoa! Whoa! Treeger, what're you doing?
Mr. TreegerYou said there was a gas leak in here.
PhoebeWell why don't you use your key?
Mr. TreegerBecause by the time I find it on this thing (Holds up a huge key ring with a thousand keys on it), the whole place might've exploded. If that happens at another building that I manage, people are gonna start asking questions. (To the fireman) Come on! Hurry up.
(With a final swing the door gives way.)
PhoebeOh! Well we could've done that. The Airport, Chandler and Monica are following the previous couple through a tiny hallway that proves this is a set on a sound stage and not an actual airport, and see them enter the first class lounge. MonicaLook at that! Look at that! They're going into the first class lounge! Do you know what they have in there?
ChandlerNo.
MonicaMe neither! We have to get in! (She runs through the door with Chandler in tow.)
ChandlerJust act like you belong.
MonicaOh my God! Oranges!
ChandlerShh! (To the guy behind the counter) Nice to see you again. (They tries to walk past him.)
Airline EmployeeUh sir, may I see your tickets please?
ChandlerYes, of course. (Shows him the tickets.)
Airline EmployeeI'm sorry, would you move your thumb? I can't see the seat number.
ChandlerOh that's all right, I have it memorized. It's 1A.
Airline Employee(grabbing the ticket from him) Sir, this is not a first class ticket. I'm sorry.
ChandlerApology accepted. Excuse us. (They try to enter again.)
Airline EmployeeSir! I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
MonicaFine. (Starts to walk away then she runs over and grabs an orange before she exits.) Go! Go! Go! The Hallway Outside Ross's Apartment, Ross is walking towards his apartment and sees Rachel sitting in front of the door. Rachel(seeing him) Hi!
RossHi.
RachelHi. (He helps her up.) Umm, I think there's something that we really need to talk about.
Ross(quietly confident) I think we do. Why don't we go inside? (They go inside.) Look, uh, I know why you're here.
RachelYou do?
RossYeah, and to save you from any embarrassment umm, I think maybe I should talk first.
Rachel(warily) Ok.
RossOk. (He sits her down in a chair.) Uh, Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. That's been one heck of a see-saw hasn't it?
Rachel(confused) What?
RossI mean look, that-that one night we had was fun and... and certainly passionate, but don't you think it's better if we just, stay friends?
RachelSeriously. What?!
RossOk. Ok. You know what? If you want to, we can do it one more time. I mean I'd-I'd be ok with that. In fact, I have some time right now.
RachelOk, you know what? Can I, can I talk now?
RossOh, sure. (He sits on the apothecary table and touches her hand.)
Rachel(touches his knee) I'm pregnant. (Ross stops.) Ross? (Ross is staring off into space.) Ross? (Ross is still frozen) Ok, whenever you're ready. (Sits back and opens her magazine.) And you're the father by the way-but you got... (closes her magazine) Can I get you some water?
RossI'm good. I'm good.
RachelRoss, there is no pressure on you. Ok? I mean you can be as involved as you want. (Ross nods.)
RossYeah, I uh... I'm just- I don't know- I don't understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom.
RachelI know. I know, but you know condoms only work like 97% of the time.
RossWhat? What? What?! Well they should put that on the box!
RachelThey do!
RossNo they don't! (He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of condoms.) Well they should put it in huge black letters!
RachelOk Ross come on let's just forget about the condoms.
RossOh well I may as well have!
RachelListen, you know what? I was really freaked out too when I found out...
RossFreaked out? Hey no, I'm not freaked out! I'm indignant! As a consumer!
RachelYou know what? Let's, let's talk later.
RossNo! No! I wanna talk now! Ok? I- In fact, (picks up the phone) I wanna talk to the president of the condom company!
RachelOk, you know maybe I should come back... (Starts to leave.)
Ross(grabs her) Shh! Shh! Shh!
Rachel(stops) Oh.
Ross(on phone) Yeah I'll press 1! (Presses one which allows Rachel to escape.) Monica and Chandler's, Mr. Treeger has finished inspecting Monica and Chandler's apartment. Mr. TreegerI've looked everywhere. There's no gas leak.
Joey(eating) Huh. So then I can heat this up? (Goes and does so.)
Mr. TreegerAnyway uh, I'll get moving on that new door.
PhoebeOh, great! And listen, could you do us a favor and not tell Chandler and Monica about this? 'Cause you know umm, they don't- they don't have any kids of their own and-and this door was like a child to them.
Mr. TreegerWell I'm gonna have to put on a new lock, they'll find out anyway.
PhoebeOh, no.
Mr. Treeger(measures the top of the doorframe) Whoa! This looks like an all day job, I'll have to cancel my yoga class. (Ross walks up.) Hey, Ross!
RossHi.
Mr. TreegerYou tell Jasmine that I can't go to yoga class today?
RossSure.
Mr. TreegerNamaste. (Bows.)
RossNamaste. (Bows.)
(Treeger leaves and Ross notices the door.)
RossMy God! What happened to the door?!
JoeySo it's noticeable huh?
RossLook, is Rachel here? I really need to talk to her.
PhoebeDidn't you two already talk?
RossYeah but uh... Ok, ok look you guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there's something else. (Pause) Rachel's pregnant.
Joey(simultaneously) Oh my God! I can't believe that!
Phoebe(simultaneously) Holy mother of God!
RossWith my child.
PhoebeThat is brand new information!
RossYou already know, don't you?
PhoebeA little bit.
JoeyHow're you doing?
RossOk. Ok. I mean I'll be ok. It's just I don't- I don't think I handled it very well.
JoeyWell, what'd you say to her?
RossNothing. But the complaint department at the condom company got an earful. And then when I turned around she was gone.
PhoebeOh, Ross.
RossYeah, I know. But hey, in my defense I-I just found out that condoms are only like 97% effective.
Joey(shocked) What?
RossI gotta go find her.
JoeyWhoa! Hey! Whoa! Hold on! Are you serious?! So you, just like 3% of the time they don't even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box!
RossEvidently they do.
JoeyWhat?! (Grabs his condoms from his pocket and looks.) Well I'll be... The Atlantis Resort, Chandler and Monica are arriving to check in, but are behind the couple from before again. MonicaI can't believe we're here.
ChandlerOh you gotta be kidding me.
MonicaWhat? (Monica sees the first couple and gasps.)
Front Desk ClerkAs a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the honeymoon suite.
MonicaNo! You have been screwing us all day!
ManWho are you?
ChandlerWe're you, just ten seconds later!
MonicaYeah! You already got the first class tickets; you got the lounge! I mean we should get free stuff too! I mean you're not the only ones on your honeymoon!
WomanWell you can have the suite if you want. We don't care about where we stay. We're here to celebrate our love for each other. We don't have to get free stuff. We just wanna be together.
Chandler(looks at Monica then at them) We need the stuff. Monica and Chandler's, Joey is on the phone and Phoebe is watching him. JoeyHey Monica it's Joey. Listen uh, Phoebe and I smell gas coming from your apartment.
MonicaWhat? Are you serious?! (To Chandler) Joey smells gas!
ChandlerWhat else is new?
JoeyYeah and we'd go check it out, but you took away our keys.
MonicaWell do something! Get in there!
JoeyHow? I guess I could break down your door.
MonicaYeah! Do that!
JoeyAnd-and you won't blame us for any damage? (Gives Phoebe a thumbs up.)
MonicaNo! (Pause) Are you doing it?! I don't hear anything! Come on!
JoeyUh, ok I'll-I'll-I'll break it down. (He hands the phone to Phoebe, gets up, picks up a chair, and starts banging it on the floor.)
PhoebeOh hey hi, he's doing it. He's breaking down the door. (The chair breaks in half.) Ok, we're in. (She hangs up the phone.) A doctor's office, Rachel is on an examining table with her legs in the stirrups. NurseOk Rachel, you comfortable?
Rachel(sighs) If I said I was, would you judge me?
NurseThe doctor'll be here in a minute to do your sonogram.
RachelOk. (The nurse exits.) Oh man, I swear if they sold these at Pottery Barn...
(There's a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
RossHi!
Rachel(shocked) Hi!
RossUh we-we need to talk.
RachelUh-uh-uh, right now? Because I've kinda got an alfresco situation going on over here.
RossPlease, please, I really, I wanna apologize for the way I acted earlier today.
RachelOk Ross that's fine, but can you please stand near my head?
RossWhat? Oh yeah. (He moves next to her head.) Sorry. I mean I-I think I went a little crazy. I mean I was thinking about myself when I (Wanders towards Rachel's feet) really-I should've been thinking about you Rach...
RachelOk. Head Ross! Head Ross! Head Ross!
RossRight! Right! I just-I want you to know that I'm gonna be there through this whole thing, ok? Ok? The doctor's appointments, the uh, the Lamaze classes, uh baby-proofing the apartment-Although we could probably worry about that 'til after we get married.
RachelWhat married?
RossWell yeah, I think we should get married.
RachelWhat, because that's your answer to everything?
RossNo, because that's the right thing to do.
RachelYeah, maybe if you're in love. But Ross, we are not in love, are we?
RossNo but...but still I mean you can't possibly do this alone.
RachelExcuse me?
RossCome on Rach, you can't even, eat alone in a restaurant.
RachelWhat?!
RossI'm just saying if you can't eat by yourself, how you expect to have a baby by yourself?
RachelI can too eat by myself!
RossWhen have you ever?
RachelWhen certain people leave the table and I am not finished!
RossWell certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl of soup!
RachelOh please, you inhale your food!
RossI grew up with Monica! If you didn't eat fast you didn't eat!
Dr. Long(entering) Am I interrupting?
RachelOh no Dr. Long, please come in. This is Ross, he is the father.
RossBut not the husband, because evidently she can do this alone.
Dr. LongHuh. Nice to meet you. I'll get started on this.
Ross(To Rachel, standing by her feet) I don't know why you can't admit that you need me.
RachelI do need you! I need you to stand near my head!
Dr. LongOk, everything looks good. Here it is on the screen. (We see Ross and Rachel looking at the screen.) Here is your uterus. And right here is your baby.
RossOh my God.
RachelWow. There it is, I see it.
Dr. LongCongratulations. I'll give you two a minute.
RachelOk.
RossThank you.
(Dr. Long exits and Rachel starts to cry.)
RossPretty amazing huh?
RachelI don't see it!
RossWhat? What?!
RachelI can't see it!
RossYou-you, you just said that you did!
RachelI know, I lied! I didn't want her to think I was a terrible mother! I can't even see my own baby!
RossOh sure, come here! (Sits her up) Sure you can! Uh, oh, come here, look, (rolls the machine closer) it's-it's-it's, it's right there (Points).
RachelOh. Oh, it's beautiful. I see it now.
RossDo you really?
RachelNo, I don't see it!
RossOk, come on! Come on! All right, ok-ok, you see, you see this? (Points) This tiny thing that looks like a peanut?
RachelYeah.
RossSweetie that's it.
RachelThat's it? Well I saw that! Ohhh. Oh, thank you.
RossYou're welcome.
RachelWow! I can't believe that's our baby.
RossYeah, that's our baby. Joey and Rachel's, Joey is there as Phoebe enters. PhoebeWell, they put up the new door.
JoeySo it's all locked up and secure?
PhoebeYeah, why?
JoeyI was trying to figure out how bad I want one of Monica's turkey pot pies.
(Rachel and Ross return from the doctor's appointment.)
RachelHi.
JoeyHey!
PhoebeHey! So, how was the doctor?
RachelOh, everything went great.
PhoebeGood.
RossOh hey, show them the picture of your uterus.
(She does so.)
PhoebeOh.
JoeyI don't see the baby. Where is it?
RachelOh no, I know I couldn't see it either at first, but it's right umm... (Starts to cry) Ross, I lost it again.
RossOh. (He takes the picture and hugs her.)

{Scrolling caption: The following scenes were deleted from the episode "Where Rachel Tells Ross" and are being presented here for the first time. The story involved Chandler joking with security at an airport and was to air two weeks after the events of September 11, 2001. In light of this, we decided to replace the original story, as part of the history of the show, we hope that the scenes can now be viewed in the spirit which they were originally intended.} The airport check-in desk. Monica and Chandler are standing in line. ChandlerNo problems getting a cab, no traffic. My way totally works.
MonicaYeah, I feel totally relaxed, totally calm (The guy in front of them moves off) Go go go!
(She pushes Chandler towards he desk)
Ticket Agent{Transcribes Note: its the same actress as used in the broadcast version} Lets see, you're on the flight to Nassau. Mr. Bing, you'll be in 25J, and Mrs. Bing, you'll be in 25K.
Monica(laughs) Mrs. Bing.
Ticket AgentIt's a funny name.
ChandlerShe's not laughing at the name. We just got married, we're going on our honeymoon.
Ticket AgentOh, really. Congratulations. You know what, let me see what I can do. There was a cancellation, I can bump you up into first class.
ChandlerWow, thank you. (to Monica) See, if we've gotten here earlier, those seats might not have been available. Compromise works.
MonicaMy name is Mrs. Bing. Haven't I compromised enough? The metal detector at the airport. Monica is taking off anything that could set the alarm off. A guy standing behind themCould you hurry up?
MonicaHey, I have never set one of these off before, and I'm not about to start now. (starts to walk, but them realises something) Oh one more sec. (she takes off her anklet, then to the security officer.) My anklet, that was a close one. (she walks through the detector and it doesn't go off) Yes!
(Chandler casually strolls through. He sees a sign about airport security.)
ChandlerHey look at that. (reading) "federal law prohibits any joking regarding aircraft highjacking or bombing". (to the security officer.) You don't have anything to worry about ma'am, I take my bombs very seriously.
Police Officer(coming in from out of shot, and grabbing Chandler) Sir you wanna come with us?
MonicaNo wait, Chandler wait! (she grabs her bag and runs through the metal detector.) that doesn't count! backwards doesn't count! (she runs after Chandler) The interrogation room. Monica and Chandler are sitting down, and two officers are questioning them. ChandlerLook, this is ridiculous. I was just making a joke. I mean I know the sign says "no jokes about bombs", but shouldn't it say "no bombs"? I mean, isn't that the guy we really have to worry about here? The guy with the bombs? Not the guy who jokes about his bombs? Not that I have bombs. If I did, I probably wouldn't joke about them. I'd probably wanna keep that rather quiet. I'm sorry, you had some questions for me?
Officer #1Miss, what is your association with this man?
MonicaHe's my husband.
Officer #1I see.
MonicaOh, but only for a few days, I mean, I don't know what he does when he's outside the house.
ChandlerThank you darling. (to the officers) You see, this is the first time we're travelling "my way", so it's very important that we make this flight. It's one of those "her plan versus my plan" kinda things.
Officer #2What do you mean by "plan"?
ChandlerYou really should just ask me yes or no questions.
(The first officer picks up Monica's suitcase.)
MonicaOh, er... no, that's not his bag, that's my bag.
Officer #2It's just procedure.
MonicaNo, no, no... you don't understand. You see, everything is packed perfectly. It took me forever to do this. Ok, tere's like over 50 folded pieces. (He starts randomly taking pieces out) You're mean. The interrogation room. It's a bit later and the officers have finished. Officer #1Alright, you're free to go.
ChandlerThanks you. Thanks. And listen, about those Speedo's, I don't know how they got in there.
(They leave the room, and Monica's phone rings)
Joey(from inside Monica and Chandler's apartment) Hey, it's Joey. Listen, Phoebe and I smell gas coming from your apartment.
MonicaWhat? Are you serious? (To Chandler) Joey smells gas.
ChandlerWhat else is new?
JoeyYeah, and we'd go check it out, but you took away our keys.
MonicaWell do something.
JoeyYou want us to break down the door?
MonicaYes!
JoeyAnd you won't blame us for any damage?
MonicaNo!
JoeyOk, are you sure you want us to do this?
MonicaNo, I want you to stand around and wait for the whole place to blow up!
Officer #1Step back inside please.
(They reluctantly do so)

Written by Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with additional material by Keith Owen; Annotated by ncp