The Hallway, Chandler and Monica are returning from their honeymoon. ChandlerWait. Before we go in, I just want you to know that...I love you. And I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I can't wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together.
MonicaYou're really sticking with the shell necklace huh? (Points to necklace of shells he's wearing.)
(Joey and Phoebe burst forth from his apartment.)
PhoebeHi!
JoeyHey! You're back! (Hugs and kisses all around.)
MonicaHi sweetie!
PhoebeCome on in!
(They grab the luggage and drag it into Joey and Rachel's forcing Monica and Chandler to follow.)
PhoebeSo how was the honeymoon?
MonicaOh, so much fun. But the best part is, we met this incredible couple on the flight back.
PhoebeThat was the best part? (To Chandler) Good honeymooning tiger.
MonicaNo, they were really cool. And they were on their honeymoon too!
ChandlerThey're terrific, and they live right here in the city.
MonicaYeah, can we go call them? Is it too soon to call? I wanna call.
ChandlerI'm sorry, we're just kind of excited 'cause we finally have a couple to hang out with.
MonicaI know.
PhoebeOh, were you really looking for that?
ChandlerWell, yeah. You know.
JoeyA couple? Like two people? Like (points to himself) one (points to Phoebe), two people?
MonicaThis is different! Greg and Jenny are in a relationship.
PhoebeOh, Greg and Jenny yuck! (Angrily) Hi Greg, I'm Chandler this is Monica. Hi Monica, this is Jenny. Hi Jenny. Hi Greg.
ChandlerListen, they are really great. If you just got a chance...
JoeyYou know what? Why don't you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here?
ChandlerWe really...didn't get a chance to...
PhoebeYou've got to be kidding me!
MonicaWe didn't get anything for anyone.
JoeyHm-mm! Yeah nice necklace!
MonicaThat you can have. Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Rachel are entering with the rest of the gang already inside. RachelHi!
AllHey!
RossHello!
RachelWelcome home.
RossSo, how was the honeymoon?
MonicaIt was great! It was great! But how about you?! I mean you're having a baby!
RossYeah we are, it's so exciting.
ChandlerI always knew you two would... have a child out of wedlock.
RachelOh! Look! I have a sonogram picture!
MonicaOh good! (Rachel shows them the picture.)
ChandlerRoss! It's got your wavy black lines!
MonicaAll right, so now that Ross knows can you tell us you know how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen?
PhoebeMonica! That's not right! Start with where.
(Rachel looks at Ross and gets his approval.)
RachelWell, it happened about six weeks ago, and uh I had just got home from work and Ross was already there 'cause I guess he had been hanging out with Joey.
JoeyYou're welcome buddy.
Ross(glaring at him) Yeah, thanks. (Joey nods no problem.)
RachelAnd so I had a lot of work to do and Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out. And then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and the next thing you know out of nowhere Ross comes on to me.
Ross(laughs) Umm that's...that's a little misleading.
RachelWhat is?
RossThe lie you just told.
RachelThat-that you came on to me?
RossThere's the one!
RachelBut you did! I mean, let's be honest.
RossYes let's.
PhoebeRoss, if it helps: I don't believe you.
RossYou know what? Uh, it's-it's not important. What is important is that, is that we're having a baby. And it's not-Doesn't matter who came on to who.
JoeyWhom. (Everyone looks at him shocked.) That's right.
RachelYou know you kissed me first.
RossWhat? What?! You were begging me to kiss you! You-you-you were sending me signals all over the place!
RachelI was sending you signals?
RossYeah!
RachelOh please. Ok, anyone in this room think that I would actually send Ross begging symbols, please, show of hands. (Ross raises his hand and no one else.)
RossYou know what?! It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter what people believe! What matters is what happened!
RachelOk. Well so these signals Ross, explain this to me, 'cause maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now?
RossYou know what? You know what? Rachel, just-just drop it.
RachelNo please, show me how I begged you!
RossI can show you, I have it on videotape! (Stunned silence) It's an expression. Monica and Chandler's, time has lapsed, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are in the kitchen. There's knocking coming form outside. Joey goes to investigate. Ross(knocking on Rachel's door) Come on Rachel, open up, let me explain.
JoeyStill won't let you in huh?
RossNo.
JoeyListen, I'm just gonna close this door so we can talk about you.
(He does so then goes and sits back down)
PhoebeI can't believe he taped the two of them having sex!
JoeyYeah! You gotta tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake.
ChandlerYou know who has a great video camera?
Phoebe(nasally) Greg and Jenny?
MonicaDo you still wanna call 'em? I wanna call 'em.
ChandlerLet's call 'em.
JoeyYeah! Ask them if they brought their friends any souvenirs!
(Monica goes over and dials their number.)
Monica(on phone) Hello? (Listens) Eighth street deli?
JoeyHey, hang up! You get food poisoning just talking to that place.
Monica(on phone) Uh sorry, wrong number. (Hangs up)
ChandlerHere you go babe. (Shows her the number again.)
Monica(on phone) Hello? (Listens) (To All) It's the deli again!
JoeyAll right! I'll have a sandwich!
Monica(hangs up) I don't think this number's right!
(Joey and Phoebe laugh.)
ChandlerWhat?
PhoebeYou got fake numbered.
MonicaWhat?! People don't do that!
JoeyOh I think we do.
MonicaThey gave us a fake number? Why? Why would they do that?
ChandlerI don't know! You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those insightful, great questions.
MonicaAnd you've never been funnier. I mean joke, joke, joke, I mean you were a hoot!
JoeyYou know what? Don't worry about it, you still got me and Phoebe.
Phoebe'Scuse me, I don't want Greg and Jenny's rejects.
Ross(entering) Rachel won't talk to me! She won't even open the door!
PhoebeHmm, I wonder why. Pervert!
RossOk, listen I am not a pervert!
PhoebeThat's like the pervert motto! Yeah! Yeah! They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that!
RossFilming Rachel was not something I planned. Ok look, here's what happened, and Joey you-you can back me up on this. All right, about-about a month and a half ago remember I came to you with a problem? Umm, a personal thing.
JoeyPerson-? What personal thing? I don't.
RossAbout...about sex? (Joey looks at him confused) That I hadn't had sex in months?
Joey(laughs) Yeah I knew what you were talking about.
(Six Weeks Earlier) Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading a cereal box as Ross enters wearing the red sweater. RossHey!
JoeyHey.
RossDo you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something I'm, I'm really uncomfortable talking about.
JoeySure. What? How about uh, you showering with your mom?
RossI actually had a topic in mind! I'm, I'm kinda going through a dry spell, sex-wise.
JoeyWhoa, for like months?
RossFive to be lying, six.
JoeySix months? Whoa that's rough.
RossWell, I mean it's not all bad. I'm learning to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.
JoeySky's blue Ross and I had sex yesterday!
RossPlease help me! I have a date tonight. It has to go well ok-I'm scared for my health!
JoeyOk. Ok. Umm...Ooh! Oh-oh, I got something. Ok, it's this story I came up with, very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it; they're like putty.
RossReally? Well then tell it to me.
JoeyOk. Now you're gonna wanna have sex with me when you hear it, but you have to remember it is just the story.
Ross(sarcastic) I'll try to control myself.
JoeyOk. (Clears throat) Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe...
Ross(laughs) You were backpacking across Western Europe?
JoeyHave a nice six more months Ross! (Starts to leave.)
Ross(stopping him) Ok! Ok! Ok. I'm sorry. Please, please, you-you were in Western Europe, and?
JoeyI was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo.
RossNice.
JoeyThanks. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded. And there were tall trees all around. (Whispering) It was dead silent. Gorgeous. (Softly) And across the lake I saw...a beautiful woman...bathing herself...but she was crying...
Ross(intently listening) Why? Ross's Apartment, Ross is on his date with Kristen and they're drinking wine. KristenUmm, umm, this is great wine.
RossIt's from France...In Europe...Western Europe. You know umm, a few years ago uh I actually was backpacking across Western Europe.
KristenReally?
RossUh-hmm-Wait! It gets better. Um, yeah, I was in um Barcelona.
KristenI studied for a year in Barcelona. (Ross is stunned and worried.)
RossYou did?
KristenYeah, When were you there?
RossErm.... Eighty...
Kristen...nine?
Rossthree.
KristenUh...
Ross(To himself) I was 13? Yeah, so, anyway, I was um, I was hiking...
KristenI love hiking!
Ross(whines) Oh that's great! I was hiking along the foothills of um Mount Tibidaybo...
KristenI think its Tibidabo.
RossOk! Do you wanna tell the story?! Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Ross enters. JoeyWhoa! What're you doing here? How did your date go?
RossGreat! I'm across the street having sex with her right now. Your story sucks!
JoeyHey! Look, if it didn't work it's 'cause you didn't tell it right! Show me how you did it.
RossNo! No, I don't...don't want to.
JoeyHow long since you've seen a girl naked?
RossI was backpacking, across Western Europe.
JoeyI'm not feeling it.
RossI was just outside Barcelona, hiking...
JoeyNo! No! No Ross! I'm not hot! Are you hot?
RossIt's been six months! I'm always hot!
JoeyWell you're not selling the story! It's like; it's like you don't believe it! Look, I gotta go. I got a date, but try this. Do what I do when I'm preparing for an audition.
RossI'm not hungry.
JoeyNo. I'll set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and then watch it and see what you're doing wrong.
RossI'll try that.
JoeyAll right, now... All right, you're all set up. You're good to go. Just hit record. All right? Good luck.
RossThanks. Thanks. And-and hey Joe?
JoeyYeah?
RossListen, if you ever have any problem with the ladies you know I'll help you out.
Joey(trying not to laugh) That means a lot to me man. (Exits.)
(Ross pours himself a glass of wine, hits record, and sits down in front of the camera.)
RossHello! Can I get you anything? Huh? Lens cleaner? Your battery ok? (Rachel bursts in carrying two boxes and Ross jumps up.) Rachel!
RachelOh Ross!
RossHi!
RachelThank God you're here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself?
RossThat's less embarrassing, yes. Yes I was.
(They sit down on the couch, which is in front of the still recording camera.)
Ross(voiceover) So when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera. [Cut back to the present day.] It kept rolling and recorded everything.
(Pause)
ChandlerYeah, we're gonna need to see that tape. (They rest of them agree.)
MonicaYeah.
RossWhat a great idea! That will get Rachel to forgive me!
PhoebeCome on Ross, It'll be like watching the discovery channel, only we know the monkeys!
RossLook, I'm not gonna let you guys watch us. I-I haven't even seen it yet.
JoeyI'll trade you two tapes of me having sex.
RossThanks, I'm good.
MonicaAll right. Look, we don't wanna see the dirty stuff, just the stuff leading up to it.
RossNo, Rachel's gonna kill me as it is.
JoeyYou know what? This is not fair to her. Let's just forget the tape!
RossThank you. (Joey mouths to Ross, "You'll show me right?") No!
JoeyYou're right. (Mouths, "I know you'll show me, right?)
RossJoey! No!
JoeyLoud and clear! (Mouths, "You'll show me," and nods.)
(Ross storms out.) Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are now sitting in the living room. MonicaI still don't get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number.
JoeyYou know, if they knew what they were doing, they probably didn't give you real names either.
MonicaOk, maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don't give out fake names.
JoeyOh yeah? (To Phoebe) Hi, Ken Adams, nice to meet you.
PhoebeRegina Philange. (Ken and Regina shake hands.)
ChandlerI still don't get it, we didn't do anything wrong.
MonicaI know! Although, you did tell an awful lot of jokes.
ChandlerI thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke! Joke! Joke! Joke!
Monica(rolling her head from side to side) Joke. Joke. Blah! Blah! (Joey and Phoebe laugh.)
ChandlerWell maybe it was all of your questions.
MonicaWhat about my questions?
ChandlerThe sheer volume, it was like flying with the Riddler!
MonicaOh, I'm sorry. Was that another joke?
Chandler(angrily) Was that another question?
Rachel(entering) Hey! Is Ross still here?
Chandler(To Monica) Oh watch out honey, some else is asking questions now. (she does Ross' fist thing)
JoeyUh no Rach, he's gone. But listen, he told us what happened and it does, it sounds like an honest mistake.
RachelOh really? Well how would you like it if I had sex with you and I taped it? (Joey smiles luridly) Oh forget it! (Ross enters.) Oh there is he now, the father of my child, the porn king of the West Village.
RossLook, it was an accident! Ok? I-I feel bad that it happened, but I swear, I didn't even watch it! Anyway, here. (He takes the tape out of his coat pocket.) I thought you might be more comfortable destroying it yourself. (Tosses her the tape.)
RachelThank you. (She sets it on the floor and is about to stomp on it with her shoe when the rest of the gang jumps up and yells simultaneously.) What? (They all yell again.) You don't wanna see this do you?
MonicaHell yeah!
RachelI am not gonna show you this!
PhoebeNo! Not the sex part, just the stuff leading up to it.
RossForget it, she's destroying it.
PhoebeOk, fine! Fine! We'll just have to think of some other way to put the whole 'Who came onto who,' thing to rest! Come on now, think!
RossLook, forget it Phoebe. Ok? It's Rachel's tape and she can do whatever she wants with it. And she wants to destroy it. So, end of story.
RachelI wanna see it.
RossWhat?!
RachelClearly you don't want people to see this tape. Now I don't want people to see this tape either, but you so badly don't people to see it that makes me want to see it. Do you see?
Joey(confused) Are we watching the tape or not?!
RossI don't want people to see it for your sake.
RachelAhh, I don't believe you. I think you don't want them to see you begging me. (Goes to put the tape in the VCR)
RossRachel, please...
RachelAh, a little preview!
RossFine. Fine, but I want the record to show that I tried to take the high road, because in about five minutes I'm gonna be saying...(He laughs and points at Rachel sarcastically.)
(They both sit down.)
RachelOk, here we go. (Pushes play.)
Ross(on tape) Hello! Can I get you anything?
Joey(To Phoebe) I'm so happy!
Rachel(on tape) Oh, thank God you're here, Ross. And I need you to help me! Were you just talking to yourself?
RachelOh there I am.
PhoebeYou're gonna get pregnant.
Rachel(on tape) I screwed up so bad, I told Monica that I would stuff and send all these wedding invitations like weeks ago and I-I...
Ross(on tape) You didn't do it?
Rachel(on tape) I-I know-I had put them in...in-in my desk at work and I completely forgot about them until today.
(Chandler is shocked and Rachel gets scared of Monica very quickly.)
Monica(taking Rachel's hand) Sweetie, sweetie, it's ok. Everybody made it to the wedding. I'm fine.
RachelKinda hurting my hand though.
MonicaI know.
Rachel(on tape) (Ross hands her a glass of wine) I cannot believe that I did this. Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it! (Mimicking Monica) "Ok Rachel! Here are the invitations Rachel! Now be very careful Rachel! Please drinking no liquids around the invitations Rachel!" (She tilts her wine glass above and moves it back and forth across the invitations) Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh...oh-oh-oh...
(Rachel hits fast forward. Monica is completely shocked.)
ChandlerDid you do it on our invitations?!
Ross(pause) Not on the ones we sent out.
ChandlerSo, just the ones you gave back to us and we had framed! (Slams the framed invitation down onto the table.)
(Rachel stops fast forwarding.)
Rachel(on tape) Oh, can you believe this is already happening? I mean it seems like yesterday they just got engaged.
Ross(on tape) I know. Hey remember...remember the night they got engaged? How uh, you and I almost...
Rachel(on tape) Oh, I remember how we almost. Do you think we would've gone through with it? You know, if we hadn't gotten caught. I mean do you think we would've done it?
Ross(on tape) I mean I...I know I wanted to. I just, I just wasn't sure if you wanted to.
Rachel(on tape) Oh I wanted to.
(Ross and Rachel trade looks while watching the tape.)
Ross(on tape) So we...we both wanted to.
Rachel(on tape) Interesting.
Ross(on tape) Ehm. (Pause) Anyway, umm, it probably worked out for the best.
Rachel(on tape) Oh yeah, sure.
RachelTen, in about ten seconds you're gonna see him kiss me.
RossAnd in about five seconds you're gonna see why.
Rachel(on tape) Ross did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe?
(Joey's shocked and everyone else looks at Rachel.)
RachelOk, get ready to see some begging!
PhoebeOh, you came on to Ross!
RachelWhat?!
RossNow, I'm so happy.
RachelWhat are you talking about?!
MonicaYou used the Europe story!
ChandlerThat's the magic story you use when you wanna have sex!
RachelHow do you know about that story?!
JoeyHow do YOU know about that story?!
RachelI heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy!
Joey(raises his hand) Some guy! (Points to himself.)
RachelNo. No, she told me that his name was Ken Adams.
Joey(raises his hand and points to himself again) Ken Adams! Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is looking at the tape sitting on the counter as Ross enters. RossHi.
RachelSo, apparently, uh, people are familiar with the Europe story?
RossYeah. Listen about that, the whole uh, who came on to who thing really doesn't matter. I mean, I think it would've happened either way. I mean if you hadn't initiated it I-I-I know I would have.
RachelWas an amazing night.
RossIt was. It was an amazing night.
(Pause)
RachelYou think it looked amazing?
RossI uh... I don't know. I mean I...I honestly didn't watch it.
RachelYeah, me neither. Yet...
RossUhhhhhh...that-that may be weird.
RachelYeah, it would be really weird.
(Ross grabs the tape and heads for the VCR as Rachel goes over and puts the chain on the door and locks it.)
RossGood luck.
RachelGood luck to you.
(Ross pushes play.)
RossMind if I mute?
RachelOh please. (He does so.)
RossOh, there, there go the clothes.
RachelYou are undressing awfully quickly.
RossSix months, Rachel, six months.
Ross and RachelAh-Oh.
RossHey. We-we look...we look pretty good.
RachelThat's what I was gonna say.
RossOh, nice tan!
RachelThank you! I'd just gone to the beach that weekend.
RossAh....
RachelHave you been working out?
RossI have been working out.
RachelWow, this is so much better than I ever...
Ross and RachelOhh! Ew!
RossOh, that's not pretty.
RachelOh! Oh!
RossNo!
RachelOh God!
RossOh no!
RachelOh, make it stop!
RossOh no!
RachelMake it stop!
RossNo!
RachelLet's make it stop!
RossNo!
(They both get out of the chair and run for the VCR.) Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler have gone through the phone book and found Greg and Jenny's number. ChandlerGreg and Jenny's number is totally different in here.
MonicaI don't ask too many questions do I?
ChandlerNo.
MonicaReally?
ChandlerAbsolutely not.
MonicaReally?
ChandlerOh God!
MonicaYou know what, I bet that phone thing was some sort of mix-up. I'm-I'm gonna call 'em. (Monica dials the number, then, on phone) Hello Greg? (Listens) Hi, this is Monica from the plane? Uh, listen, the number that you gave me uh 853-5... (Listens) (To Chandler) That is their old number! Jenny's been giving it out since they moved!
ChandlerJenny! That is so Jenny!
Monica(on phone) Hey listen umm, how would you like to get together say next Saturday? (Listens) Ok, how about Sunday? (Listens) Ok umm, the week after that? (Listens) The week after that? (Listens) You know what Greg? Uh, you know what? We are good, interesting, funny people with good questions and if you and your precious Jenny can't see that then... (Listens) January 15th? (Chandler dances.) We'll see you then! (Listens) Ok!
(She hangs up the phone and they hug.)

Written by Scott Silveri; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with additional material by Keith Owen; Annotated by ncp