Monica's Restaurant Kitchen, she is frantically working and is handing two finished dishes to a waitress. MonicaOk, now this one is rare, this one is medium well! Now go-go-go! (Phoebe enters) Hey Phoebe!
PhoebeHey!
MonicaHey how was dinner?!
PhoebeDinner was good! Just saying hi! Now I'm gonna go!
(Phoebe turns to leave but notices an attractive man.)
Phoebe(To him) Oh, well hello there.
GuyHi.
Phoebe(To Monica) I didn't see this on the menu.
MonicaUh Tim? This is Phoebe. Phoebe this is Tim, my new sous-chef.
PhoebeOh, so you're Monica's boss?
TimAct-actually she's my boss. Sous is-is French for under.
PhoebeOh! I sous stand.
MonicaHey Tim? I need a calamari and a Caesar salad. And umm, could you get me the pesto?
TimYeah.
PhoebeOh you...you made pesto?
TimYes I did.
PhoebeWould you say your pesto is the best-o?
TimI...I-I don't know, but I-I would say it's pretty good-o. (Phoebe laughs too hard.)
(Monica goes over and grabs the pesto.)
MonicaAll right, I still need a calamari and a Caesar salad.
TimI like your necklace.
MonicaOh, coming right up Monica.
(as Tim) I have to do everything you say otherwise the system breaks down. I know that.
Then why are we having this conversation?
PhoebeOh, I made it myself.
TimYou are so talented.
PhoebeWell, it's no pesto.
MonicaAll right, all right! Let's just cut to the chase, ok? (To Phoebe) You're single. (To Tim) You're single. (To Phoebe) He gets off work at eleven. (To Tim) She'll be waiting for your call. (To Phoebe) I'll give him your number if I can just get one calamari and one Caesar salad! (Everyone in the kitchen stops.) I did not yell. I am not putting a dollar in the jar. Chandler's Office, he's working at his computer as his boss, Mr. Franklin, sticks his head in. Mr. FranklinWow Bing! Burning the midnight oil.
ChandlerYou know me sir. Oh, ah, I do have a question for you. Do you know how I get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn?
Mr. FranklinYou're a joker Bing. (Walks away.)
ChandlerWhat's funny about that?
Ross(running up) Hey! Sorry I kept you waiting so long.
ChandlerHey, that's ok. So, where'd you wanna go?
RossOh ah, I think you know where I wanna go.
ChandlerThe Hard Rock Café?
RossYeah!
ChandlerAgain?!
RossYeah!
(They go out to the elevators.)
RossI'm telling you, I like the food!
ChandlerYou like the Purple Rain display! (A guy walks up.) Hey Bob.
BobHey Toby! Have a good night. (Walks by.)
RossDid that guy just call you Toby?
ChandlerYeah, he thinks that's my name.
RossWell, why don't you correct him?
ChandlerOh it's been going on way too long now. You know, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didn't say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, you wanna a donut?" I-I wanted the donut. And now it's five years later, the donut's gone and I'm still Toby.
RossFive years?! Chandler, you have to tell him!
ChandlerNo! That would be so awkward! Look, besides, we work in different departments. He's on the sixth floor you know? So he calls me Toby once in a while. What's the big deal? It could be worse, it's not like he's calling me Muriel. (Chandler suddenly freezes into place.)
Ross(laughs) Muriel. Why-why would he call you Muriel? (Ross realizes something.) Oh my God! Chandler M Bing? It's not just an M, your middle name is Muriel!
ChandlerShh! It is a family name!
RossChandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never even gave you a chance, did they? Days Of Our Lives set, Joey is doing a scene with a co-star as Rachel watches on a monitor. Joey's Co-StarDrake, I've discovered the reason for your headaches and memory loss.
Dr. Drake RamorayWhat is it?
Joey's Co-StarApparently your brain transplant was not entirely successful. It seems your body is rejecting Jessica's brain.
Dr. Drake RamorayIs it serious?
Joey's Co-StarNot if we extract tissue from the original host body, synthesize antibodies, and introduce them into your system, which could stop it from rejecting the brain.
Dr. Drake RamorayWell that sounds simple enough, let's just do that.
Joey's Co-StarWe would, but when we went to exhume Jessica's body, it was gone.
(Dramatic music plays and Joey does a little 'Smell-the-fart' acting.
{JoeyYeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
RachelI'm sorry, what?
MonicaWhat?
JoeyIt's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinking of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this.}
DirectorVery nice, people!
Joey(To Rachel) Ok, let me just get changed and we can go to dinner.
RachelWell don't-What happened to Jessica's body?!
JoeyI'm not telling you, you'll have to see it on TV!
RachelYou don't know do you?
JoeyNo, couldn't care less.
Joey's Co-StarHey good scene man.
JoeyHey you too!
Joey's Co-StarAlright.
(Rachel clears her throat.)
JoeyWhat? You weren't in it.
RachelOh! (Motions to Joey's co-star.)
JoeyOh sorry. Uh-uh, Kash?
KashYes?
JoeyThis is my friend Rachel. Rachel, Kash, Kash, Rachel.
RachelHi.
KashHey! How come I haven't seen you here before?
RachelWell, Joey probably just thinks I'll embarrass him. You know, he thinks I'm some kind of a soap opera nut-Which I'm not! I'm not. Although I do know that your uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. (Starts stroking his arm) And uh, and that your-your dog's name is Wally. Well look at that, I'm just stroking your arm.
Joey(grabbing her) Here we go! Here we go! (Starts to pull her away from Kash.)
RachelOh, we're leaving. Bye, Kash.
KashBye.
RachelSay hi to Wally. Central Perk, Monica is getting coffee as Phoebe enters. PhoebeOoh, Monica!
MonicaHey!
PhoebeOh, my God! I had the best time with Tim last night. He is so sweet! Oh, I can't wait to get sous-neath him.
MonicaI...I have to fire him.
PhoebeBut why?!
MonicaBecause he's terrible! Ok, he's slow, he burns things, last night he lit my pastry chef on fire!
PhoebeWell maybe he was just nervous, you know you can be very intimidating. And besides I've met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken down a peg or two.
MonicaWell, now she has no eyebrows, mission accomplished.
PhoebeBut Monica, he loves his job so much! Can you just give him another chance? Please?
Monica(thinks about it) All right, but if-if he lights someone else on fire he is out of there!
PhoebeThat's fair! Thank you so much. Thanks. Oops, it looks like when he got the pastry chef he got you a little bit too.
MonicaI paid to have this done.
PhoebeLove it! Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating at the counter as Joey enters. JoeyHey!
RachelHi!
JoeyOh you know what, Kash, really liked you the other day. He said he thought you were charming.
RachelI thought I was a complete idiot.
JoeyHey, I'm with you. He even asked me if I thought you'd go out with him.
RachelOh! Oh, I think I'm gonna throw up a little bit. What did you say?
JoeyI said no.
RachelWhat?!
JoeyWhat? I...I just figured since you're pregnant you're not gonna be seeing people.
RachelOk Joey, first of all, Kash Ford, not people. Second of all, what did he say when you told him I was pregnant?
JoeyI didn't tell him. I didn't know if you were telling people. This is back when I thought Kash was still people.
RachelGood-good, don't tell him. Don't tell him. Just have him call me ok?
JoeyRach, look, I really don't think that's such a great...
RachelOk, you go do it! I'll come back to that set! I'll meet more actors! I'll meet 'em all! Chandler's Office Building, Chandler is walking by the elevators and sees Bob standing there. ChandlerHey, Bob.
BobHey! How's my pal Toby doing today?
ChandlerIf I see him, I'll ask.
Bob(laughs) Toby!
(The elevator doors opens, Bob boards the elevator, Chandler walks away, and Mr. Franklin steps out of the elevator.)
Mr. FranklinHey-hey! Bing? Was that Bob from six you were just talking to?
ChandlerYeah!
Mr. FranklinOh then you know each other.
ChandlerWe're on a semi-first name basis.
Mr. FranklinWhat do you think of adding him to our team?
ChandlerBob? Ooh, working here with us? Everyday? Yeah, I don't know if he has what it takes.
Mr. FranklinReally? They love him down on six.
ChandlerBut this is eleven. It's almost twice as hard up here.
Mr. FranklinOk, I hear you loud and clear. Bob will stay put.
ChandlerI think it's best sir.
Mr. FranklinBut we really do need to find someone up here. The work is starting to pile up. I've got a stack of documents on my desk this high. (Holds his hand at shoulder level.)
ChandlerYou know what you should do, just toss them in the shredder and claim you never got 'em.
Mr. Franklin(laughs) That's a good one Bing. (Walks away.)
ChandlerWhat does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?! Monica and Chandler's, Monica is in the kitchen as Phoebe enters. PhoebeHey!
MonicaOk, I gave him another chance, but Tim has got to go!
PhoebeBut...
MonicaNo! No-no! He is totally incompetent. Ok, I called the chef who recommended him to me. He said, "Ha-ha! Gotcha!"
PhoebeOk. Ok, but you can't fire him today.
MonicaWhy not?!
PhoebeBecause I'm dumping him today.
MonicaWhat?! You said he was so sweet!
PhoebeHe is sweet. He's too sweet. He calls me all the time. (Mimicking him) "So did-did you get home from work ok?" "Did-did you get out of the shower ok?"
MonicaWell just don't pick up your phone.
PhoebeThen he comes over! (Mimicking him) "I'm so worried about you." Yuck! Be a man!
MonicaWhat? So now I'm not allowed to fire him?
PhoebeWe can't fire him and dump him in the same day, he'll kill himself.
MonicaOk well then, I'll fire him today and you go out with him for another week.
PhoebeAre you kidding?! Another week with that simp, I'll kill myself!
MonicaOk well, then we'll both do it today and he'll just have to deal with it!
PhoebeOk. But the question is who's gonna go first. 'Cause whoever goes second is the bitch.
MonicaWhat do you mean?
PhoebeCome on! The boss that fires a guy that's just been dumped, bitch! And the woman who dumps a guy that's just been fired, blond bitch!
MonicaI wanted to do this days ago so I think I should go first.
PhoebeAll right, that makes sense. (Starts towards the door.) Ugh. But-Screw you I'm going first! (She grabs her purse and runs out.) Chandler's Office Building, Bob is standing at the elevators and sees Chandler walk up. BobHey Toby, you got a sec?
ChandlerSure, What's up?
BobI just had a meeting, I was actually hoping to get transferred up here, but I just found out its not gonna happen. Apparently somebody thinks I'm not eleventh floor material. Say uh, who the hell is this Chandler? Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date and Joey is reading a magazine. RachelHey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I'm not drinking on this date tonight. "Umm, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'm a Mormon," or "I got so hammered last night I'm still a little drunk?"
JoeyYou really are not gonna tell him you're pregnant?
RachelI don't think so. All the books say wait till the 3rd date to tell a guy you got something growing in your uterus.
Ross(entering with a pizza and beer) Hey!
RachelHi!
JoeyHey!
RossSo, what do you wanna do tonight? There's a Ukrainian film at the Angelica that's supposed to be very powerful. Interested?
JoeyNo. No. But I'll go see a normal person movie with ya.
RossRach? You wanna come?
RachelOh, no, I can't. I got a date.
RossA date?
RachelYeah. Why is that weird for you?
RossWhy no, it's the opposite of weird. It's-it's uh, regular. It's-it's uh, it's mundane. It's actually uh, a little dull.
JoeyIt's no Ukrainian film I tell ya.
RachelOoh! Earrings! (Goes into her room.)
RossA date?! She's-she's got a date?! With-with who?
JoeyI set her up with this actor on my show.
RossYou set her up?!
JoeyNo.
RossJoey what-what were you thinking?!
JoeyWell, I was thinking that it'd probably be ok because Ross hasn't gone out with Rachel in five years!
RossJoey, I'm not worried about her! I'm worried about my baby! Whoever she dates my baby dates! Now-now where is this (makes the quote-marks sign) actor taking them?
JoeyHey! I'm an (does the quote-marks thing as well) actor too! I'm not sure. I think they're taking the ferry out to some Italian place on Staten Island.
RossA ferry? My baby is going on a ferry? Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?!
JoeyAre we talking about one of those big boats that carry cars that are like five miles an hour?
RossWhy don't they just jump out of an airplane?! Huh?! That-that's a fun date! Or burn each other with matches?! That's fun too! Whew!
(There's a knock on the door and Joey answers it.)
KashHey Joey.
JoeyHey Kash. Uh hey-hey this is Ross. Ross, this is Kash.
KashHey.
RossHi. I-I hear you're going on a ferry tonight.
KashYeah.
RossA bit of a daredevil are we?
Rachel(entering from her room) Hey, you guys do you think this is too slutty-Hi Kash!
KashHey Rachel! You ready to go?
RachelYeah! All right, I'll see you guys later.
RossOk. Have a great time you guys.
RachelThank you.
KashThank you.
RossYes it is too slutty! (Joey slams the door before Rachel could hear the entire sentence.) Central Perk, Phoebe is reading a magazine as Tim enters. Tim(walks behind Phoebe) Hi! (And startles her.)
PhoebeHi.
TimOh, I'm so glad you called. I feel like it's always me calling you. So, what's up? Is everything ok with Phoebe?
PhoebeIt will be...in a minute. Listen, Tim you're a really great guy.
TimIt's because I'm with you.
PhoebeAw. (Phoebe gets a bad taste in her mouth when he looks away) I'm just-I'm in a place in my life right now where I...I...
(Tim's beeper goes off and he answers it.)
TimWhoops. So sorry. (Looking at it, like a newscaster) This just in. (Phoebe fake laughs.) Oh, it's 9-1-1 from the restaurant, that means Monica needs me right away. (Starts to leave.)
PhoebeOh-oh no she doesn't! I know what that is. You can stay.
TimAwww, I'll miss you too Pheebs. (Starts to leave) And I will be holding you, right here. (Holds his hands over his heart, blows a kiss to Phoebe who catches it, and then leaves and Phoebe throws the kiss back.) Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are having dinner. JoeySo, what movie do you wanna see-And not another one I have to read. Ok? I get enough of that from books.
RossBooks?
JoeyAll right, car magazines, cereal boxes, but it's like enough!
RossWell, I tell you what. Why don't we uh, why don't we just stay here? Let's not see a movie, we'll just hang.
JoeyAnd just wait for Rachel to come back from her date?
RossHey, if that's what you wanna do I'm not gonna say no.
JoeyDude! What is going on?!
RossI just...I have to find out how it went.
JoeyWhy?
RossThis guy could be my baby's stepfather!
JoeyThey go on one date and you're worried about them getting married?! He's not you!
RossI just-I-I can't believe she's-she's dating?!
JoeyWell, Ross, what did you think she was gonna do?
RossI don't know! I guess I just can't believe any of this is happening.
JoeyWh-what'd you mean?
RossIt's just I always thought when I had another kid it'd be different. Now I-I love Ben, but every time I have to drop him off at Carol and Susan's, it's like-It breaks my heart a little. I mean I've always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed on Sunday and, my kid comes running in and leaps up onto the bed. And we all read the paper together. You know? Maybe fight over the science section.
JoeyThat's a nice picture. Maybe you can still have that!
RossNo! No I can't. I mean Rachel's out with some guy. My baby went with her. If anything that picture keeps moving further away.
JoeyHey, can I ask you something? In this, in this picture of you and your wife, is your wife Rachel?
RossIt used to be. Now-now she doesn't really have a face. Smoking body though.
JoeyGood call. Yeah. But, the face, Ross, the face isn't Rachel.
RossNo but ahh! How much easier would it be if it were?
JoeyYeah, well I know, but I don't think that's what she wants.
RossNo, it's not what I want either. I mean I-I can't force myself to fall in love with her again but-
JoeyOk, Ross maybe you need a new picture. Ok? It's not gonna be what you thought, but no matter what, there's gonna be a brand-new little baby, your baby. Who cares what the picture looks like?
RossYeah.
JoeyHey, I tell you what. Let's- you and me go out, have some fun. Huh? Whatever you want. Come on!
Ross(checks his watch) We can still catch that Ukrainian film.
JoeyNo, I said fun! Outside Chandler's Office, Chandler is just about to go into his office when Bob calls for him from behind. BobHey Toby! ChandlerHey Bobby.
BobIt's Bob actually. Hey, you work up here, can you tell me where this Chandler Bing's office is?
ChandlerUhh yeah. Yeah, it's (Points down the hall) right, right down there. (When he has Bob looking down the hall, he turns around and knocks his nameplate off his door.) Right there, yeah. Can I ask you why?
BobI wanna talk to that bastard, see what his problem is.
ChandlerOk Bob listen uhh, I'm the reason you didn't get the job up here.
BobToby, don't.
ChandlerBob!
BobToby! I'm not gonna let you cover for him. Anything you say right now will just get me more upset with Chandler!
ChandlerWell that puts me in a difficult position. If you do anything to Chandler, It's just gonna bring you down to his level.
BobHmm, I guess you're right.
ChandlerDon't give him the satisfaction, you're better than Chandler, we're all better than Chandler. Especially me, Toby! Monica's Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is waiting for Tim who enters. MonicaHey.
TimI got your page, is everything ok?
MonicaUh well that depends, how are things with Phoebe?
TimOh it's great! It's great! Thank you so much for introducing us!
MonicaOh my pleasure. Ok, I'm afraid I got some bad news. (Phoebe enters.) Phoebe!
PhoebeMonica!
Monica(simultaneously) You're fired!
Phoebe(simultaneously) I'm breaking up with you!
TimWhat?
PhoebeI'm, I'm breaking up with you.
MonicaYou're fired.
TimWh-why?
PhoebeI'm sorry, I'm just-I'm...I'm just not ready for a relationship right now.
MonicaYeah and-and I'm sorry too. But, well I just-I like things done a certain way and the chemistry's just not right.
PhoebeOh that's good, the chemistry thing for us too.
TimWow! Umm, ok. Umm... (To Phoebe) I-I-I realize I came on a li-little strong but, it's only because I think you're so amazing. (To Monica) And uh, I-I just wanna, I just wanna tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity here because I-you're the most talented chef I've ever worked for. Anyway... (Starts to leave and Phoebe and Monica trade looks.)
MonicaTim wait!
TimYeah?
MonicaUmm, I think I spoke too quickly. There-there's a learning curve with this job and maybe we can try it again.
TimReally?
MonicaYeah.
TimThank you so much! 'Cause I-I know I can be better!
MonicaOk.
(They both look at Phoebe.)
PhoebeAnd Tim I just wanna say, good luck here. (Shakes his hand and leaves, which disgusts Monica.) A Street, Ross is walking past a newsstand and sees Rachel. RossHello.
RachelHi!
RossWell, how was the date?
RachelWell I'm alone and I just bought fifteen dollars worth of candy bars, what'd you think?
RossUh-huh. What happened?
RachelI made the mistake of telling him that I was pregnant.
RossAh, he didn't uh, take it so well?
RachelWell better than you, but you know still not what you want.
RossOh?
RachelHe got all weird and sputtery and then he said uh, "Yeah, I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch."
RossHe sounds swell.
RachelDoesn't he?
RossHey, you wanna...you wanna a little cheering up?
RachelYes.
RossSit down.
RachelOk.
(They sit on some front steps.)
RossGuess whose middle name is Muriel.
Rachel(thinks then gasps) Chandler M. Bing?
RossYeah-ha!
RachelOh my God. (Laughs)
RossI'm sorry about your date.
RachelOh that's all right. I guess I'm just done with the whole dating thing. It's just one more thing in my life that's suddenly completely different. This is hard.
RossYeah I know. (Pause) On the other hand in um, in about seven months you're gonna have something that you're gonna love more than any guy you've ever gone out with. Just wait. Wait until uh, wait until the first time your baby grabs your finger. You've no idea.
RachelThanks sweetie.
RossYou wanna, you wanna grab some coffee?
RachelOh no, I think I'm gonna go home and eat ten candy bars.
RossHey, I thought I cheered you up.
RachelOh you did, there are twenty in here.
RossRight. Good night.
RachelGood night.
(He kisses her on the cheek and heads to Central Perk.) Central Perk, Ross is entering and Mona from the wedding recognizes him. MonaRoss?
RossYeah?
MonaHey it's Mona! From the wedding.
RossOh hi!
MonaHi!
RossWow! Uh...how are you?
MonaI'm good except umm, you still owe me a dance.
RossOh that's right. Well uh, would you be interested in seeing a Ukrainian film?
Mona(laughs then stops) Oh you're serious. Sure!
RossGreat! Well umm...
(Ross continues to talk to her as the camera pans to show Rachel standing in the doorway.)
MonaI think I might need one more cup of coffee.
RossSure! Uh, let me get it for you.
MonaOk.
(Rachel watches that and slowly backs out to head for home.)
(Dedicated to the Memory of Richard L. Cox, Sr.) Chandler's Office, Bob is ransacking Chandler's office. Chandler(entering) Bob. Bob! Bob! (He turns around) What the hell are you doing?!
BobI just found out this is Chandler's office! Come on Toby, give me a hand!
(He thinks about it and decides to join in by turning over a chair and continue ransacking the place.)

Written by Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with additional material by Keith Owen; Annotated by ncp