Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is sitting in the living room as Monica enters. MonicaHey.
ChandlerHey.
(Monica notices something.)
MonicaOh my God! You cleaned! (Gasps) Look at these floors! You did the windows! Oh, I have been begging you for months and you did! You cleaned! And nagging works!
ChandlerYou know uh, I didn't actually do this.
MonicaOh no, was I cleaning in my sleep again?
ChandlerNo, it wasn't you.
MonicaWell then who?
ChandlerI got a maid. Yay!
Monica(shocked) Well, I hope by maid you mean mistress, because if some other woman was here cleaning then...
ChandlerUh honey, I know you don't like to relinquish control...
MonicaOh, relinquish is just a fancy word for lose!
ChandlerLook, she's really nice. Ok? And she mentioned that she adored the way that you arranged the sponges.
MonicaDid she really say that?
ChandlerYes, I distinctly remember 'cause I thought it was a joke. Now, just give her a chance, ok?
MonicaFine, I can do it. (Gets anxious.) Whew.
ChandlerWhat's the matter?
MonicaWell, usually when I'm this anxious, I clean! Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there as someone's cell phone starts to ring with one of those fancy ring tones. Phoebe(looking around) Whose cellphone is that? It's just so annoying; everywhere you go.
RossI think it's coming from your bag.
Phoebe(checks) I never get calls! (Answers the phone) Hello?
EricPhoebe, hi, uh, it's Eric. From the Halloween party, Ursula's fiancé.
PhoebeOh my God Eric hi! Wait, how'd you get this number?
EricOh, I have a friend who's a cop and he got it for me.
PhoebeWow! What an incredible violation-and wonderful surprise.
EricUh, listen, I just-I thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.
PhoebeOh you did? (To Rachel) He did it! He did it!
RachelWow! What did he do?
PhoebeShhh! I'm talking.
EricAnyway, I was wondering, if, you were the sort of person who...eats lunch.
PhoebeAre you asking me out? Because it would be kinda weird since you just broke up with my sister.
EricYeah uh...ok. I'm-I'm sorry. Bye.
PhoebeNo-no! Wait! I was just saying that so you'd think I was a good person. Fight for me.
EricUhh, I won't take no for an answer.
PhoebeNot great, but we can work on it at lunch. Ok, I can be at your apartment in two hours.
EricGreat! But wh-wh-How do you know where I live?
PhoebeI've got friends too. Ok, bye.
EricBye.
(She hangs up.)
PhoebeOh my God! I'm going out with Eric! Ooh, this day is really gonna be so much better than I thought it was going to be. Oh, Ross, I can't make lunch. (Exits.)
RossSo apparently I'm available for lunch.
RachelI can't. I'm busy. I'm apartment hunting.
RossYou're moving?
RachelYeah, I can't live with Joey once the baby comes. I don't want my child's first words to be, (in a baby's voice) "How you doing?"
RossSo does-does Joey know you're moving?
RachelWell, I haven't discussed it with him yet, but I know he's gonna be relieved. Last week, he brought this girl over and I started talking to her about morning sickness and then I showed her pictures from my pregnancy book.
RossThat's not really porn.
RachelNot so much.
RossHey, you know what, and if you're looking for a place? I just heard in the elevator this morning that a woman in my building died.
RachelOh my God! Was she old? Does she have a view?
RossWell I don't know, but how-how great would that be huh? You living in my building. I could help take care of the baby. I can come over whenever I want. (Rachel looks at him.) With your permission.
RachelYeah that would really be great.
RossYeah.
RachelWell can we see it?! Oh maybe we shouldn't. I mean if she just died this morning, out of respect.
RossYeah. No. No you're right.
(Pause as they both take another sip of coffee.)
RachelShall we?
RossYeah.
(They both exit.) Ross's Building, they are approaching the apartment of the woman who died. Ross knocks on the door and a woman answers it. Mrs. Verhoeven's DaughterYes?
RossHi. I'm Ross Geller. I live in the building.
RachelAnd I'm Rachel, an admirer of the building.
RossI-I heard about Mrs. Verhoeven passing away and I'm so sorry for your loss.
Mrs. Verhoeven's DaughterShe didn't pass away.
RossWhat?
Mrs. Verhoeven's DaughterMy mother's still alive.
RossOh, thank God!
Mrs. Verhoeven's DaughterIt looked like we were gonna lose her this morning, but she's a tough old bird.
RachelAhh.
Mrs. Verhoeven's DaughterAre you close with her?
RossYeah of course! Uh, yeah, she and I would talk all the time in-in (Rachel pokes her head in and starts to look around) the laundry room. (Pushes Rachel out of the way.)
Mrs. Verhoeven's DaughterYou speak Dutch? (In Dutch) Zeer vereerd een vriend van mijn moeder te ontmoeten.
RossYou know I would but it's just too painful.
RachelSo she's really not dead.
Mrs. Verhoeven's DaughterNo, she's hanging in there.
RachelHmm. Do you think-Could you tell me if she's hanging in, in a, a one bedroom or a two? Monica and Chandler's, Monica is observing the new maid, Brenda, clean. BrendaMrs. Bing, this tile cleaner is incredible! Where did you get it?
MonicaOh well umm, I make it myself! It's two parts ammonia and one part lemon juice. And now the secret ingredient is...you know what? We just met.
BrendaOk. Uhh, I'm gonna go get the clothes from the laundry room now. And, when I come back I'll clean behind the refrigerator.
Monica(To Chandler) I love her.
BrendaI'll be back in a minute.
MonicaOk. (As Brenda exits Monica notices something.)
ChandlerSee? I told you.
MonicaShe stole my jeans!
Chandler(pause) What?
MonicaI have been looking for them all week and she is wearing them!
ChandlerSo, she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you?
MonicaDon't you see? It's the perfect crime!
ChandlerShe must've been planning this for years!
MonicaIt's- I will prove it to you! Ok? About a week ago, I was wearing those jeans and I dropped a pen in my lap and it left an ink stain on the crotch. Now when she comes back I will find it and show you that stain!
ChandlerHoney, isn't it possible that the company that sold the jeans made more than just the one pair?
MonicaI guess.
ChandlerSo, shouldn't we give her the benefit of the doubt before we go...snooping around her crotch?
MonicaFine. I'm just glad I didn't give her my secret ingredient.
ChandlerOut of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient?
MonicaYeah! (Laughs.) Eric's Apartment, he's opening the door to reveal Phoebe. PhoebeHi!
EricCome in, I'm so glad you're here.
PhoebeYeah, me too. Not in the shaky angry way you are though.
EricSorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the engagement ring back.
PhoebeOh.
EricJust seeing her brought it all back. All the lies, the way she used me. I just...I get so angry just looking at her...(Looks at Phoebe)...face.
PhoebeYeah. (Covers her face with her hand.) Yeah.
EricI'm sorry. I just...when I look at you, I see her. When I see her I get a little bit angry.
PhoebeSo, where do you wanna eat? Not that I'm not enjoying watching you flip out.
EricI'm sorry.
PhoebeMaybe this is too weird.
EricNo, wait! There's only a problem, when I look at you. (Sits down on the couch.) Oh I got it! I got it. (Puts his hands to his eyes.)
PhoebeNo don't tear out your eyes!!
EricI was just, I was just gonna take out my lenses.
PhoebeOh yeah try that. (He finishes and looks at her.) So, is that better?
EricNot really. You...you're blurry, but you still look like Ursula. You're Blursula. Ok, wait. Maybe...If I-if I just don't look at you for a while. (Stands up and turns his back to her.) See? It...it works. I'm not, I'm not angry at all anymore! This is a great date!
PhoebeYeah, not so much. It's kinda hard to have a conversation.
EricOh, no-no, sure we can have a conversation. Um... tell me a little something about yourself.
Phoebe(looks around for who he's talking to) Oh me? Look, Eric, turn around. (He does so.) Look, I like you, but it shouldn't be this hard. You know? This is our first date you know? First dates are supposed to be about excitement and electricity and 'Ooh, he just touched my hand, did he mean to touch my hand?' and you know first kisses and...(He kisses her)...second kisses. (Motions for him to kiss her again which he does and they start to make out.) Central Perk, Ross is reading some book and Gunther serves him a cup of coffee. RossThanks for the coffee, or bedankt voor de koffie, Gunter. (He translates that phrase into Dutch.)
GuntherJij spreekt Nederlands? Dat is te gek. Heb je familie daar?
RossYeah, we're done.
GuntherDonkey.
RossEzel? Ezel? Ezel? (Looks it up in his book.)
Joey(entering) Hey, Ross! Listen, you wanna go see that new Imax movie on tide pools?
RossReally?!
Joey(laughs) No. But I got Knicks tickets for you, me, and Chandler. Eh?
RossSweet! And then afterwards, we can go to a strip joint.
JoeyReally?
RossNo.
JoeyAll right, so finish your coffee; let's go.
RossOk I-I just have to stop by my place first.
JoeyTo tape the game? You do this every time Ross, you're not gonna be on TV!
RossNo-no, I-I have to see if this apartment became available.
JoeyOh, you're switching apartments?
RossThat's not for me, it's for Rachel.
JoeyBut Rachel has an apartment.
RossYeah, but when the baby comes she's gonna wanna move.
JoeyShe is?
RossYeah, I mean you didn't expect her to live there with a baby did you?
JoeyI guess I didn't really think about it.
Ross(finds the word in the book) Ezel! (Reads the translation.) Hey Gunther! You're an ezel!
GuntherJij hebt seks met ezels.
RossDamn it! Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is sweeping and Monica is sitting at the kitchen table. MonicaNice jeans!
BrendaOh, thanks! I like your top.
MonicaOh. (Holds on to it.) (To herself) You're not getting it.
(Brenda bends down to use the dustpan and Monica leans over to look for the stain, but leans so far over she falls out of the chair.)
BrendaWhat happened?!
MonicaOh, I fell asleep.
BrendaI was thinking about taking my lunch break.
MonicaOh, will you do the top of the cabinets? That'll really work up your appetite for lunch.
BrendaAll right.
(Brenda pulls a chair to the counter and uses it to get up on the counter in order to clean the top of the cabinets. Monica sneaks over, bends over, and tries to see the stain. That doesn't work so she sticks her head between Brenda's legs. Suddenly Brenda changes her stance and traps Monica's head between her legs.)
MonicaHello.
BrendaWhat's going on?!
MonicaI'm sorry. I've never had a maid before, is this not ok?
BrendaI don't understand. Why was your head just between my legs?
MonicaThat's a fair question. Well, my, my head was between your legs uh, because I find you very attractive.
BrendaAre you coming on to me?
MonicaApparently. Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating pizza as Joey returns from the Knicks game. RachelHey!
JoeyHey!
RachelHow was the game?
JoeyOh, it's ok. I...I ate way too much.
RachelOh.
JoeyOoh. (Notices the pizza, grabs a slice, and takes a bite.) So umm, I was talking to Ross and he said you were looking for a new place?
RachelOh yeah! Hopefully across the street, if certain Dutch people would just let go.
JoeyI was kinda hoping you'd stay.
RachelBut Joey, I have to go. There's no room for a baby here.
JoeyNo room? It's a baby. It's like this big. (Holds his hands about a foot apart.) You know, you-you could you could put it over here. (A desk.) Or-or-or we could put it right here. (The chair.) Aw, it's cute, right? Or-or we could put it over here. (By the bathroom door.) You wouldn't even notice it. Where's the baby? (Mumbles that it's over in the corner.)
RachelHoney, it's not just a matter of where you put it. I mean a baby changes everything. They cry all the time. I mean imagine bringing home some girl and trying to score when there's a screaming baby around.
JoeyI could use a challenge! It's getting pretty easy.
RachelHoney, it's so sweet that you want me to stay, but I-I can't do that to you. I mean it would disrupt your entire life.
JoeyI just, I, I love living with you so much. I just wish things didn't have to change.
RachelI know.
JoeyYou know I blame Ross for this.
RachelI do too a little bit.
JoeyI'm gonna miss you, you're the hottest roommate I ever had. Eric's Apartment, he and Phoebe are still making out. PhoebeOoh, oh no! I-I have to go! Oh, I have a massage appointment.
EricOh no, stay here we'll keep doing this. I'll pay you.
PhoebeNo, I've got in trouble for that before. I'll see you later?
EricAbsolutely. (They kiss and Phoebe heads for the door.) I love the way you kiss.
PhoebeReally? That's the thing I'm worst at! You'll see. (Exits.) Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is shaking out the rugs on the balcony as Monica pouts in the living room. Chandler(entering) Hi!
MonicaHey! Umm, I think Brenda needs a raise.
ChandlerHow come?
MonicaBecause I put my head between her legs.
ChandlerTo see her pants?
MonicaThey're my pants!
ChandlerAre you sure? Did you see the stain?
MonicaNo! I was just getting into position and then everything went dark.
ChandlerGod! She is not stealing from us! Ok, will you let this go?
MonicaFine. (Brenda comes in to use the bathroom and adjusts her pink bra strap on the way.) She's wearing my bra!
ChandlerOh dear God!
MonicaMy pink flowered bra! I recognize the strap!
ChandlerAnd yet you don't recognize that you're crazy?
MonicaHere's the plan! Ok? I'm going to leave and you're gonna get a look at Brenda's bra!
ChandlerHere's another plan...No!
MonicaI would do it but she thinks I'm attracted to her!
ChandlerWhy?
MonicaDid you not hear where my head was? Come on! Come on we're a team! We're in this together!
ChandlerI fear a jury will see it the same way!
MonicaDo this for me! Come on, I catch you looking at woman's breasts all the time!
ChandlerYou see that?
MonicaDo you see this? (Mimics him drooling over a woman's breasts.)
ChandlerAll right. Yes. Ok. I get your point. But if it's not her bra will you just let the woman clean your apartment?!
MonicaYes! Absolutely. Ok? Look, you'll know it's mine because on the right cup, the lacey part, there's a very noticeable rip.
ChandlerYou need new clothes. Mrs. Verhoeven's Apartment, Ross is back to inquire about the elder Verhoeven's health or lack thereof. RossHi. How is she?
Mrs. Verhoeven's DaughterIt's not looking good.
Ross(happily) Oh. (Realizes then sadly) Oh. Oh. Well I uh, I brought her some bloemen.
Mrs. Verhoeven's DaughterThat's so sweet. (Takes the flowers.) Would you like to come in and say goodbye? I'm sure it would mean a lot to her.
RossOh I don't know that it would.
Mrs. Verhoeven's DaughterWell, her memory is pretty much gone.
RossAll right then. (Follows her in and checks the place out and mouths "Wow".) Eric's Apartment, he's resting on the bed as Phoebe enters. Phoebe(entering) Hey!
EricWelcome back!
PhoebeHey! (Jumps on the bed with him.) Should we pick up where we left off?
EricI don't know, I'm still pretty tired out from this afternoon.
PhoebeWhy?
EricUh, the sex.
PhoebeWhat sex?
EricOur sex.
PhoebeWe didn't have sex.
EricWell if I didn't have sex with you, I had sex with someone that looked an awful lot like...
Phoebe(simultaneously as Eric) Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Eric(simultaneously as Phoebe) Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! No! No! No!
PhoebeYou-you...you had sex with Ursula?!
EricUh, a little bit. She-she-she walked in and I thought she was you and I kissed her and...
PhoebeYou didn't notice she was wearing different clothes?!
EricWell I was just so excited to see you.
PhoebeOh. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugh! You know what? This is too weird.
EricNo-no it's not! I don't wanna lose you! It's-it's like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was you-Yeah it is too weird.
PhoebeSo I guess this is it.
EricYeah. (They hug.) Maybe it's for the best. You smell just like her.
PhoebeYeah, so do you. Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is wiping the coffee table and Chandler is trying to look at her bra and leans over on the coffee table to get a good look. Brenda(noticing him) What're you doing?
ChandlerI'm leaning. This is where I lean.
BrendaOk. (Goes over and fluffs up the pillows on the couch.
ChandlerBrenda, a bee!
BrendaWhat?
ChandlerYes! It's flown into your blouse and you'd better undo your buttons lest it sting you!
BrendaI think I know what's going on here.
ChandlerYou do?
BrendaLook, I know it must be hard that your wife is a lesbian, but it's wrong. You're married.
ChandlerI totally understand. (They both laugh.) Can I just see your bra? The Hallway, Monica is sitting on the step as Rachel returns. RachelHi!
Monica(looking at Rachel's jeans) Where did you get those jeans?!
RachelYou gave them to me!
MonicaNo I didn't!
RachelAll right, I took them. But I figured it would be ok because you got a big ink stain on the crotch.
MonicaOh no! Did you take my bra, too?!
RachelWhat bra?
MonicaThe pink one with the flowers?!
RachelYou mean the one that you're wearing? (Adjusts Monica's pink bra strap as Monica looks down her shirt.)
Brenda(entering) I quit! (Storms off.)
MonicaSounds about right. Joey and Rachel's, Rachel enters and notices that Joey has set up a space for the baby where the couch was, complete with a crib. RachelWhat is this?
JoeyHey! Uh, this is just to give you an idea. Ok well, we can put screens here, (In front of the crib.) so that the baby has privacy, and-and-and maybe a mobile, you know over the crib. And uh-Oh look! Here's a baby monitor (Holds it up), which till the baby comes we can use as walkie-talkies. Huh?
RachelYou're so sweet. (Notices something in the crib.) Oh my God! And you gave the baby Hugsy! (A stuffed penguin wearing a ski jacket, goggles, and hat.)
JoeyAhhhhhhhhhhhh.... That-that-that's really just to show where the baby would go. You know why don't I hold on to him so there's no confusion? (Takes him back, sets him on the chair, and apologizes to him.)
RachelBut Joey, the baby is gonna be crying, it's gonna be loud.
JoeyI'm loud!
RachelIt's gonna be up all night!
JoeyI'm up all night!
RachelIt's gonna poop!
JoeyHello!
RachelWhat about all the women you wanna bring home?
JoeyLook, if I'm bringing home a woman who can't stand being around a baby, then maybe I don't wanna be with that woman! Or maybe we'll just do it in the bathroom of the club! You know, but I won't say stuff like that around the baby.
RachelJoey, are you sure?
JoeyYeah! All right-Look, I know sometimes it'll be hard, ok? But, it'll also be really...really great. Please Rachel! I-I-I really want you to stay.
RachelI want me to stay too.
JoeyOhh!
RachelThank you. (They hug.) Oh Joey and look at this crib! It's so cute!
JoeyI know! I found it on the street.
RachelAre you serious-Really?! It's in such good condition.
JoeyYeah.
RachelWow! Whoa-whoa what's under the cover?
JoeyI don't know.
RachelIt's moving.
JoeyEw.
RachelIt's still-(Screams)-It's got a tail! Get it out of here! Get it out of here!
JoeyOoh! Ah! Ok! Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah! (Quickly drags the crib outside.)
DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF PEARL HARMON Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are toasting her staying put. RossWell, the old lady died. And how do I know? Because her dying wish was for one last kiss. And because I'm such a strong strapping alleinstehende, I had to carry he body to the lobby, you know, and and she was not a slight woman. But I don't care, (To Rachel) because you got the apartment. Yes!
RachelEwww. Yeah. Umm. I think I'm gonna stay here.
JoeyIsn't that great?
Ross(stutters looking for words) Ezels!

Written by R. Lee Fleming, Jr.; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with additional material by Keith Owen; Dutch Phrases by: Kenny Walgraef; Annotated by ncp