Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading What to Expect When You're Expecting as Rachel enters from her bedroom.
JoeyHey, Rach listen, did you know that during pregnancy your fingers swell up to twice their size and never go back.
Rachel(looking at her fingers) Oh my...God! Let me see that! (Grabs the book from him.)
Joey(laughing) You fall for it every time!
PhoebeLook, I brought you my old maternity clothes! (Sets a bag on the counter.)
RachelOh Pheebs that's so sweet (Grabs a pair of pants) Ooh, those are so cute!
PhoebeYeah! And look, (Grabs the pants) see, how they expand as the baby grows? (There's a stretchy part in front.) And then after the baby's born, they're great for shoplifting melons.
Monica(entering) Oh, oh good you're all here. Ok, Thanksgiving tomorrow, four o'clock. (To Rachel) Oh, guess who I invited. Remember that guy Will Colbert from high school?
MonicaHe was in Ross's class...marching band... was kinda overweight? Well, really overweight. I mean I was his thin friend.
RachelWow! I don't remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend.
MonicaNo, that was Jarred! Wow! I haven't thought about him in a long time... (Stares off into the distance lost in thought.) (Pause) Anyway, umm Will's, Will's here on business and he didn't have a place to go, so I invited him here.
RachelOh that's nice.
MonicaOh, oh, and by the way, he's lost a bunch of weight. I mean he looks goo-ood! Ok, I mean really, really gorgeous! (Joey clears his throat.) I still love Chandler.
JoeyWouldn't hurt you to say it once in a while.
MonicaAll right, ok, I also, just so you know, I'm not gonna make a turkey this year.
MonicaWell, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey...
PhoebeTurkey's are beautiful, intelligent animals!
JoeyNo, they're not! They're ugly and stupid and delicious! Plus, you know, eating them is like a tradition. You know, it goes back to the very first Thanksgiving when the Indians sat down with the cowboys.
RachelOh right... That's when they had that big rodeo at Plymouth Rock.
MonicaAll right! Ok, it's just Phoebe. Will's still on a diet, Chandler doesn't eat Thanksgiving food, and Rachel's having her aversion to poultry.
RachelYeah, did you remember I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken?
JoeyYeah. But I thought that was just 'cause I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table.
MonicaAnyway, it just doesn't seem worth it to make a whole turkey for just three people. Ok? It's just- It's a lot of work.
JoeyBut you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like-like Fourth of July with no apple pie! Or-or Friday with no two pizzas!
MonicaAll right fine! If it means that much to you! But just-there's gonna be a ton leftover.
JoeyNo there won't! I promise I will finish that turkey!
MonicaAll right, you're telling me you can eat almost an entire turkey in one sitting?
JoeyThat's right! 'Cause I'm a Tribbiani! (To Rachel) This is what we do! I mean we may not be great thinkers or, or world leaders, we don't read a lot or run very fast, but damn it! We can eat!
Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is watching football, and it's actually the right game Green Bay at Detroit (although not this year's), as Monica is getting everything ready.
MonicaHey, isn't it weird to think about how next year at this time they'll be a little baby at the table? (Chandler turns around in horror.) (Seeing him) Rachel's! But good to know where you're at!
PhoebeAnything I can do to help?
MonicaActually there is. Chandler usually helps me with this, but he's really into the game so I don't wanna bother him. Could you help me fold these napkins? (Hands her a stack of them.)
MonicaI'm gonna go across the hall to check on the yams.
PhoebeOk. (She starts folding the napkins in half.)
MonicaNo! No! No! No sweetie! No! Not like that! We're not at a barn dance. You gotta-you wanna fold them like swans. Like I showed you at Christmas time, remember?
PhoebeYeah, and it all just came screaming back to me. (Monica exits.) (To Chandler) So how's the game?
ChandlerI've no idea.
ChandlerYeah! I'm just pretending to watch the game so I don't have to help out with stuff.
PhoebeI don't believe you! That is...brilliant! And Monica has no idea?
ChandlerNope! Every once in a while I just yell and scream stuff at the TV.
(Monica enters and Chandler screams stuff at the TV.)
MonicaIs your team winning hon?
ChandlerOh yeah! Anderson just scored again! (To Phoebe) There's no Anderson.
PhoebeWell I wanna get in on this. Hey Mon? I don't think I can help you after all, I didn't realize this game was on.
MonicaOh, I didn't know you like football.
PhoebeWell normally I don't, but you know...(looks at the TV)...Green Bay is playing.
MonicaYou like Green Bay?
PhoebeWell it's only like my favorite bay! (Actually, it's not bad. It just gets a little cold in winter, but in Wisconsin winter only lasts from August to June.)
(Phoebe joins Chandler on the couch as there is a knock on the door which Monica answers.)
(Oh, I should point out that the live studio audience at this point goes absolutely wild. And I had absolutely no idea that this Will character was that popular! Maybe they should make him the seventh friend. Which would work out just fine since he's already married to one of them. Will is played by some guy named Brad Pitt, I guess he's some sort of actor.)
MonicaAww thanks! God, Will I'm so glad that you came! You just, you look great! You must've lost like...
Will150 pounds. Yeah, I'm gonna be in one of those Subway sandwich commercials.
MonicaA pie! (Will brought a pie.)
WillOh right. All right, it's no fat, it's no sugar, it's no dairy...it's no good. Throw it out.
MonicaYou wanna meet some people? This is uh; this is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.
ChandlerOh, hey. I'd shake your hand but uh; I'm really into the game. Plus, I think it'd be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other.
MonicaThis is Phoebe.
Phoebe(nonchalantly glancing) Hey. (Turns back around.) (To herself) Wow! (Looks up.) Well done.
Monica(to Will) Wanna give me a hand?
WillSure! Monica, I can't get over how great you look! You look stunning!
MonicaWell you look incredible too! You're just-you're so fit!
ChandlerI'm watching the game, but I'm not deaf!
MonicaOh umm, I meant to tell you, Ross is coming.
WillRoss is coming. Great! I love Ross!
MonicaGood. And Rachel Green too. (Will stops suddenly.)
MonicaIs there a problem?
WillNo. Uh, it's ok. It's just uh, God I hated her.
WillYeah, I hated her. She was horrible to me in high school. But hey, it was a long time ago, I'm in a good place, it might be actually fun to see her again. You got any cakes or cookies or something? (Starts looking.) No, Will, no!
Chandler(To Phoebe) You know, it's been a while since we've screamed something. Maybe we should.
ChandlerOh come on!
PhoebeNoooo! Damn you ref! You burn in hell!
(Joey enters eating potato chips.)
MonicaHey, what're you doing? You gotta save room, you've got almost an entire turkey to eat.
JoeyLet me explain to you how the human body works. I have to warm up my stomach first. Eating chips is like stretching.
JoeyDon't worry, Tribbianis never get full.
WillI actually know what you're talking about. I'm here to tell you something, friend, you can eat and eat and eat but nothing will ever fill that void.
Joey(To Monica) Who the hell is this guy?
MonicaUh, this is Will. From high school. This is Joey.
JoeyOh hey! (to Will) Chip?
RossHey-hey you came! Man, you look incredible! Hot stuff! (They hug and Ross realizes what he said.) Hot stuff?
WillIt's good to see you man.
RossYeah, you too. Man, so-so what are you up to?
WillI'm a commodities broker.
RossReally? Yeah that-that sounds interesting.
WillYeah, it's not. But I'm rich and thin.
RossOh! Man, I, I don't think I've seen you since uh, Lance Davis' graduation party.
WillThat was such a fun night!
RossYeah. It would've been good if we had gotten in, but still, real fun.
WillGod we were lame back then. You remember how into dinosaurs we were?
WillSo what you, what you do now?
RossSo how long are you in town?
Rachel(entering, carrying a baking dish) Hi!
MonicaHey, sweetie. Oh good. (Takes the baking dish from her.)
Will(glaring at Rachel) Rachel Green.
RossOh-oh, that's right. Are-are you gonna be ok?
WillOh, I'll-I'll be fine. Just God I hate her Ross! I hate her!
RossWill, high school was-was a long time ago.
WillLook at her standing there with those yams! My two greatest enemies Ross: Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.
Rachel(sees Will) Oh my God Monica, who is that?
MonicaThat's Will from high school!
RachelOh! I do not remember him! Wow! Really got that sexy, smouldering thing going on. (We see Will angrily staring at Rachel.) Oh my God, he's... Look at the way he's just staring at me. I think he's trying to mouth something to me, but I can't make it out. (Will mouths, "I hate you.")
MonicaOk, dinner's ready!
ChandlerYeah. Solid effort. Solid effort.
MonicaOh, so who won?
Phoebe(simultaneously) Green Bay.
PhoebeWell the Lions technically won, but it was a moral victory for the Green Bay...Mermen.
(They sit down at the table and Will goes to talk to Rachel.)
RachelHi! Will, right?
RachelRight. Hi! I'm Rachel Green.
WillOh I-I remember you.
RachelReally?! Aren't you sweet! I gotta tell you though, I am, I am having the hardest time placing you. Oh-oh hang on! I think I remember you, did we umm, did we fool around at Lance Davis' graduation party?
WillYou are unbelievable.
Monica(breaking it up) Uh, Rachel? Rachel, why don't you sit here? (Next to Joey) And Will you sit way over there. (The other side of the table.)
(Monica sets something on the table and removes the cover. It kinda looks like turkey.)
JoeyThat's it?! Even if nobody helps me I can eat that no problem. At least give me a challenge!
Monica(laughs) This is Chandler's chicken. This is the turkey. (Sets down a huge turkey.)
Joey(quietly) Oh. How-how big is that?
MonicaIt's about nineteen pounds.
Joey(To Rachel) It's like me when I was born.
RachelAll right, who would uh, like some yams? Will?
WillOh, you'd like that wouldn't ya?
RachelWhat? (Joey starts offering Ross some turkey.) Oh, you know what? Can we please keep the chicken and the turkey and everything on the other side of the table? The smell is just yuck!
Will(sneeze talks) Typical.
RachelI'm sorry. What?
WillI said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel does whatever she wants in little Rachel land. (Does a fake hair flip.)
Joey(To Monica) Seriously, who is this guy?
RachelUmm, I'm sorry. Do you had-do you have a problem with me?
WillI don't know? Do I? Do I?
PhoebeI think you do.
Monica(To Rachel) Apparently you were umm, a little mean to him in high school.
WillA little mean? You made my life miserable!
RachelI'm-I'm-I had no idea. I'm sorry. I...
WillWell you should be. Screw it! Bring on the yams!
MonicaOh Will. But you-you've worked so hard...
MonicaOk. (Chandler grabs the dish from Monica and hands it to Will who starts dishing out a large helping.)
RachelUh Will umm, I just wanna say that I'm real sorry for whatever I-I did to you in high school...
WillOh, it wasn't just me. We had a club!
RachelYou had a club?!
WillThat's right, Yeah I Hate Rachel Green Club!
RachelWhoa! My God! So what, you all just joined together to hate me?! Who else was in this club?
WillMe, and Ross. (Points at Ross.)
RossNo need to point, she knows who Ross is.
Rachel(To Ross) So you were in an I Hate Rachel club?
WillYes he was. (Holds up his hand for a high five.)
RachelSo who else was in this club?
RossUh actually, there-there was also that exchange student from Thailand but I-I don't think he-he knew what it was.
Chandler(sarcastically) You guys were cool.
RachelSo Ross, we went out for two years, and you never told me you were in an I Hate Rachel club.
WillYou went out with her?! We had a pact!
RossThat was in high school! It's not like it was binding forever.
WillThen why did it have the word eternity in it?
JoeyI'm thinking of joining an "I Hate Turkey Club"... although I do love a turkey club.
RachelOk. Monica, did you know about this?!
MonicaI swear I didn't. (To Ross and Will) Hey! Is that why you guys used to go up to your bedroom and lock the door?
Ross and WillYeah.
MonicaHmm, a little relieved, I gotta say.
RossLook Rach I-I'm sorry, ok? I...I was a stupid kid, ok? The only reason I joined...
Ross...co-founded. Co-founded the club was that I-I was insanely in love with you. Obviously I didn't handle it very well. But if you think about it the I Hate Rachel Club was really the I Love Rachel Club.
WillUh, except that it was really the I Hate Rachel Club.
RachelOk. So what? You guys would just like get together and like just say mean things about me?
WillWell, we did a little more than that.
RossNo no! No no. No no.
PhoebeWhat?! What-what else did you do?
WillWe started a rumor.
PhoebeOh, come on Will! Just take off your shirt and tell us!
RossIt's no big deal. We-we...said that- the rumor was...that umm...you had both...male and female reproductive parts.
WillThat's right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided to raise you as a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.
Rachel(shocked) Oh my God!
MonicaYou started that?!
RachelWhat?! You heard that?! (Goes and stands behind Joey.)
MonicaEveryone at our school heard it!
ChandlerEverybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?!
RachelOh no! Oh my God! This is all making so much sense to me now! This is why Adam Carter wouldn't go out with me! This is why Billy Tratt would just stay in this region! (Motions to her breasts.) (Joey has turned around.)
RossActually, Billy Tratt is gay now. So-so that one's not really our fault.
RachelMonica, how come you never told me this?!
MonicaI thought it might be true. And I was afraid that you were gonna cry and then show it to me.
(Joey is now looking at Rachel, and since Rachel's standing and he's sitting down and he's not looking at her face... You get the picture.)
RachelJoey stop staring! There's nothing there! It's not true!
JoeyI'm afraid I'm gonna need proof. Come on, whip it out.
RachelOh! (Hits him and storms out.)
[Time Lapse, dinner has ended for everyone except Joey who looks like to have finished the turkey, until he turns the plate around and reveals he only ate one side.]
JoeyYou are my Everest.
MonicaJoey, you don't have to finish that.
JoeyOh yes I do. Otherwise what's next? You know today I'm just a guy who can't finish a turkey, but tomorrow I'm the guy who eats half a Powerbar, wraps up the rest, and puts it in the fridge? No! No, I just...I just-I just gotta change my pants. (Gets up and heads for the door.) What was I thinking, jeans have no give. (Exits.)
Monica(To Chandler and Phoebe) Alright, guys, can you help me with the dishes? There's a lot of pots and pans.
ChandlerOh honey I'd love to but second game's about to start so... (starts to get up)
Phoebe(getting up with him) Oh yeah, the second game. More football for the Phoebster.
MonicaWow, last time I checked, Los Angeles didn't have a football team.
ChandlerDid I say Los Angeles? I meant the team that used to be in Los Angeles and is now in St. Louis. (whispers to Phoebe) I actually knew that.
MonicaOk, quick. Name three players on that team.
ChandlerGretzky... Agassi (struggles to think of a third, then to Phoebe) I'm a pretty little girl. (Monica Throws him a tea towel)
Rachel(entering carrying a book) Ok! Ok! Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year, "Dear Rach, you're such a great person." Not girl! Person!
RossRach, I think you're reading a little too much into it.
Rachel(reading what he wrote again) "Dear Rach, you're a great person. Sorry about your teeny wienie." (Will laughs.)
RossLook, what do you want me to do? You want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn't true?!
WillCould you also tell them I'm skinny now?
MonicaOh! Me too!
RossWell look-look I'm not calling anybody! Ok? It was like a million years ago!
RachelI don't care how long ago it was! You told people that I was half and half! You know what? I just wanna point out I never did anything to hurt you in high school.
MonicaThat's not totally true.
MonicaWell you-you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs. Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.
Ross(shocked) (To Rachel) How did you know that?!
RachelYes it is! I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog!
RossHey! What were you doing in the library?
RachelThey had magazines!
WillMrs. Altman? She also made out with Takaka Ci-Kek the night before he went back to Thailand.
ChandlerI'm sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman?
RossHey! She didn't look 50!
ChandlerDid she look 16?
RachelOhh, there's a picture of her in the yearbook actually.
PhoebeOh! (They all look.) Wow!
RossShe didn't photograph well!
ChandlerWell, she probably wasn't familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings!
PhoebeSo how did this happen? Did she, did she lure you to an early bird dinner?
RossI was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the two of us. She needed some help with her word jumble. And one thing led to another. If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender. May she rest in peace...
MonicaDidn't she walk with a cane?
RossOnly when it was damp! (To Rachel) I can't believe you-you told people about this?! Everybody knew?! You know what? (To Will) I'm back in the club!
WillYeah! (They high-five.) Shall I call the meeting to order.
RossIs everybody present?
WillWith the exception of Takaka.
PhoebeI wanna join!
PhoebeI'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I never got to be in a club. I-I didn't go to high school, but three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour.
RachelAll right, you know- Fine! You guys's gonna have your stupid little club, but I would just like to say, that what you did to me is way worse than what I did to you! You gave me a teeny-weeny! (Will laughs.)
MonicaAll right, listen, you're just being silly. Rachel, even with that rumor you were one of the most popular girls in school. I mean, everyone wanted to be like you. One girl wanted to be like you so much she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll!
MonicaAnd Ross, if it weren't for Rachel's rumor I mean no one in high school would even know who you were. She put you on the map!
RossAs a romancer of the elderly.
MonicaHey! Mrs. Altman was the kind of woman you could tell she used to be pretty.
RossThe eyes...did still sparkle.
MonicaHey guys, this stuff is just so way in the past. You-you've been through so much since then. And right now you got so much more important stuff going on in your life. Can-can't you just let this go?
RossYeah. I mean we are having a baby together.
WillHold on! You got her pregnant?
WillAre ya getting married?
WillSo you knocked her up but you're not gonna marry her. Dude! (Wants another high-five and Ross ignores him.) Anybody?
PhoebeOk. (Goes over and hugs him.) It's exactly how I'd imagined it would be.
Joey(entering, wearing the maternity pants from earlier) All right where's that turkey!
PhoebeJoey! Those are my maternity pants!
JoeyNot now! These are my Thanksgiving pants!
Monica and Chandler's, Will has left and the rest of the gang is watching Joey finish the turkey.
JoeyWell that's it. I'm done. Whew! (Wipes his forehead.) Here come the meat sweats. (Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his face.)
MonicaWell Joey, we're all...we're all very proud of you.
ChandlerYes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now.
PhoebeIs there anything we can do for you?
JoeyNo, just, nobody press on my stomach.
RachelYou can keep those pants by the way.
(Joey notices Monica has gotten a pie.)
JoeyWhoa-hey-wh-wh-what do you got there? What is that? Pie?
MonicaYeah, you want some?
JoeyAh, just cut me a little sliver. (Monica prepares to cut a little sliver.) A little bigger. (Monica prepares to cut a bigger piece.) Little bigger. (Monica moves the knife again.) What?! Are you afraid you're gonna run out?! Cut me a real piece!
Written by Shana Goldberg-Meehan; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with additional material by Keith Owen; Annotated by ncp