Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying on a pair of new boots as Chandler enters. ChandlerHey!
MonicaHey! So what do you think?
ChandlerNew haircut? (Monica nods 'No.') Necklace? (No) Dress? (No) Boots? (Monica nods 'Yes.') Boots!
MonicaYes! Now, they're a little more than I usually spend on boots...or rent (Shows him the receipt.)
ChandlerDid you say you bought boots, or boats?
MonicaI know.
ChandlerI'm gonna miss being able to afford food.
MonicaI'm sorry, they just, they just look so good! And the saleswoman was looking at me like, "Oh, these are way too expensive for you."
ChandlerShe had a point. (Shows her the receipt.)
Rachel(entering) Hi!
MonicaHey.
RachelOh my God! (Notices the boots) Oh, Monica. Those boots are amazing!
MonicaThey're mine!
ChandlerYeah well, too bad we're gonna have to return them.
RachelReturn them?! Shh! They're gonna hear you!
MonicaHoney, I'm not returning them. Ok? I mean I-I know they cost a lot, but I'm gonna wear them all the time. You'll see. Besides, I love the compliments. I mean, have you ever had something that was so beautiful that everyone wants it?
ChandlerI have you.
MonicaOh. Nice try; I'm keeping the boots. Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is talking to Rachel's, who is now showing, stomach. RossThat's right, I love you! And-and I'm gonna play with you all the time.
PhoebeHow can you let him talk to your crotch like that?
Rachel(pause) He's talking to the baby.
PhoebeOhh! Ok! Ok, 'cause when-when he said, "I can't wait to hear your first words," I thought, "There's a trick."
RachelOk. Well, I gotta go you guys. I'll see you later.
PhoebeOk.
RossBye.
RachelBye. (She gets up to leave but is stopped by Joey)
JoeyOh hey Rach, listen-Hi!
RachelHi.
JoeyUmm, can you do me a favor? I was talking to my sister and she knows you work at Ralph Lauren...
RachelWell, forget it! No way! I am not sending anymore Ralph Lauren clothes to prison. It is a waste.
JoeyNo-no-no-no-no-no, not her, not her. My youngest sister, Dina, she's really interested in fashion, and she wants to talk to someone successful, you know, give her some advice.
RachelI guess I can talk to one of my supervisors...
JoeyOh no-no-no-no, she wants to talk to you!
RachelReally?! Oh my God! I'm successful!
JoeyOk, so will you meet with her?
RachelYes! I'd love to! Have her come by the office.
JoeyGreat! Thanks! You're gonna love her so much. And-Oh, she's the smartest of all the Tribbiani children. Hey, you know the SATs?
RachelYeah.
JoeyShe took 'em!
(Joey goes to get coffee and Rachel exits as the camera pans to Phoebe and Ross on the couch.)
PhoebeHey Ross! Doesn't Ben go to the Smithfield Day School?
RossYeah. Why?
PhoebeSting has a son that goes there too!
RossYeah I know, he's in Ben's class.
PhoebeYou knew this and you never said anything?! With all the stupid dinosaur stuff you tell us?!
RossFine! No more dinosaur stuff! Can I talk about fossils? (Joey is about to sit down and hears this so instead he groans and exits.)
PhoebeSting's son, seven years old and there's a picture.
RossWhat are you reading? The Kidnapper's Guide to Manhattan Private Schools?
PhoebeNo, it's New York magazine. It's an article about the best schools in the city. So, how well do you know Sting?
RossUh, I actually haven't even met him.
PhoebeUh-huh, yeah, that's too bad. I really wanna go to his concert Friday night, but it's totally sold out. I know! Why don't you meet him and get tickets?! If you get two I'll take you.
RossWell actually, I'm picking Ben up tomorrow, maybe he'll be there.
PhoebeThere you go! Oh, you are so lucky! You might actually get to meet Sting tomorrow! That's why you have kids! Central Perk, the next day Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there as Monica enters. MonicaHey guys!
ChandlerHey.
RachelHi Monica!
MonicaHey. (Sits down on the arm of the couch.)
RachelHi boots.
MonicaSee Chandler? I'm getting a lot of use out of them already! They're very practical. See, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants...
ChandlerYou can wear them with shorts on a street corner and earn the money to pay for them. (Goes and gets some coffee at the counter.)
PhoebeWow! They're beautiful!
RachelAhh...
Monica(almost crying) They hurt so much!
PhoebeWhat?!
MonicaThe guy who made these hates feet and wants to see them die!
RachelWell-well you can give them to me! I haven't felt my feet in years!
MonicaI can't! I spent so much money on them and I told Chandler that I'd wear them all the time, I can't just give them away!
PhoebeWell then get your money back and return them!
MonicaI can't do that either! The soles are already a little scuffed up and the insides are filled with my blood.
Ross(entering) Hey!
Chandler(returning to his seat) Hey!
RossHey I uh just picked up Ben from school...
Chandler(spinning around looking for him) I don't think you did a very thorough job!
RossI dropped him off at Carol's. (To Phoebe) Anyway, it turns out that I'm not gonna get those tickets though.
PhoebeOh, no! Why not?
RossWell, it turns out Ben and Sting's son do not get along.
PhoebeHow come?!
RossApparently, Sting's son made fun of the fact that Ben's moms are lesbianisms.
PhoebeWait! But Ross, if they don't get along then you should smooth things over. Make them be friends.
RossPhoebe, you can't force kids to be friends.
PhoebeSure you can! Give them some blocks, put them in a playpen!
RossPlaypen?! Ben's seven!
PhoebeYour kid is seven?! (Ross nods, "Yes.") (To the rest) He's really small. (To Ross) Please! Please get the tickets!
RossLook I'm sorry Pheebs, I-I just can't do it.
PhoebeYes you can! Sting says so himself!
RossWhat?
Phoebe(singing) Rosssss can!
RossLook Phoebe, I'm sorry it's just...
Phoebe(singing) Rossss can!
RossPhoebe, I...
Phoebe(singing) Rosss can! Give me the tickets! Ross can give me the tickets!
(Ross runs out to get the tickets.) Rachel's Office, Joey has brought Dina to meet with Rachel. Joey(entering, with Dina) Here she is! Future fashion superstar!
RachelOh Joey, I'm hardly a...
JoeyMy little sister Dina!
RachelRight! Hi Dina!
DinaHi.
RachelNice to meet you. (They shake hands.)
DinaThanks so much for meeting with me. Joey's told me so much about you!
JoeyThis is so exciting for her. Ralph Lauren just smiled at her in the elevator.
RachelReally? Are you sure it was you because he likes it sometimes when the buttons light up.
JoeyWell, I'll let you two fash...ists get down to business. (To Dina) You, be good. Learn a lot, and if she takes you to the freebie room, I need shirts, but none with that creepy logo with the guy riding the dog, holding a bone. (Exits.)
RachelOk. All right Dina, well let's talk about the different areas of fashion that you could get involved in. Let's see, there's design, but you may need a whole nother degree for that. Uh, there's-there's sales, which is great because you get to travel...
DinaI...I don't care about fashion! I'm pregnant! And I know you are too, so you gotta help me!
Rachel(stunned) And there's marketing... The Hallway, Monica is returning, but before she enters the apartment she stops on the step and changes from wearing tennis shoes to the boots and she moans in pain as she puts each boot on. Monica(standing up) Ahhhhhhhh!
Chandler(opening the door) What's wrong?
MonicaOh nothing I'm just-just was snoring. (Mimics the groan from before and stretches.)
ChandlerOh don't forget, my office holiday party is tonight. (They go into the apartment.)
MonicaOh, that's tonight?
ChandlerYeah. Oh, I forgot all about the Secret Santa gift. (picks up a statue of an owl off the phone table.) do we like this?
MonicaHoney, we don't really have to go to this thing tonight do we?
ChandlerNow sweetie, I know, that you don't like my office parties, but you can wear your new boots. See? Every cloud has a...supple leather lining.
MonicaI-I don't-I don't think that I'm gonna wear the boots tonight.
ChandlerWhy not?
MonicaWell, you know, just-I'm just worried that your bosses will see them and they think they pay you too much money. Or, or your assistant will see them and-and want a raise!
ChandlerDo you think I work at some kind of boot pricing company?
MonicaAnyway, I picked up this outfit that I wanna wear and the, and the boots don't really go with it.
ChandlerYou said that you paid all that money because those boots go with skirts, dresses, and pants! What're you planning on wearing? A chicken suit?
MonicaFine! If you want me to wear the boots, I'll wear the boots. In fact, I'll go into my room right now and you know try the outfit on.
ChandlerOk.
MonicaOk? (She starts to walk which causes her to start crying) Ooo wee! Christmas party in my boots! (Runs into the bedroom and mixes saying 'ow' with laughing.) The Hallway, Rachel is about to enter her apartment with Dina to tell Joey the news. DinaI-I can't go in there. I can't tell him!
RachelHoney, it's gonna be ok. He has been incredibly supportive of me, and if he gets a little upset; that's what the meatball sub is for. (She gives Dina a sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil.)
DinaThank you.
RachelOk.
(They enter.)
JoeyHey! It's my fashion girls! (They don't react.) What's wrong?
RachelHoney, why don't you sit down? Dina has something that she wants to tell you.
Joey(concerned) Oh. What, what's going on? Is it mom? Is she sick? Is it dad's heart? Is that a sandwich?
DinaJoe, mom and dad are fine...
JoeyIs that a sandwich?!
RachelJoey...there's something that you...should know. Dina?
DinaI'm pregnant.
Joey(angrily) What?!
Rachel(To Dina) Now! Give him the sandwich! Give him the sandwich! (She quickly sets the sandwich in front of him.)
JoeyWell obviously this is a mistake! You-you can't be pregnant! Because you have to have sex to get pregnant!
DinaJoe, I tried to wait until I was 25 like you did!
RachelWhat?! Dina...
Joey(to Rachel) Bub! (Points at her and quiets Rachel.) (To Dina) I can't believe this! You're the good one! You went to college! Both years! Who did this to you?!
DinaBobby Corso, but he's a real nice guy. I like him a lot. He's real funny.
JoeyYou got pregnant for funny?! Dina...if he's funny...laugh! All right, I'll be back in a little while! You stay here!
DinaWhy? Where're you going?
JoeyI can't look at you right now! (Exits and slams the door behind him.)
DinaWow.
RachelI know.
(Joey storms back in and covering his face so he doesn't see Dina grabs the sandwich and heads back out.) The Midfield Day School, it's after school and Ben is taking a drink of water as Phoebe enters. PhoebeOh, there you are Ben! (Ben looks shocked to see her) You're Ben right?
BenAunt Phoebe, what're you doing here?
PhoebeWell, I heard you're having a problem with one of the boys in your class. And so I thought I would just come down here and sit you both down, have a little talk and make it all ok. Now umm, the boy's name is Sting's son.
BenJack? I hate him! He's a jerk.
PhoebeNow Ben, sometimes people may seem like jerks on the outside, but they have famous fathers.
BenI have to go. My friend Doug is waiting for me over there. (Goes over to Doug.)
PhoebeWow, your friend Doug looks a lot like Billy Joel. Is that who his father is?
BenNo, his dad is a dentist.
PhoebeHim you're friends with. (Starts looking at the children trying to find Jack and a teacher notices her.)
The TeacherExcuse me. Can I help you with something?
PhoebeYes! Yes you can, I'm-I'm looking for Jack's parents.
The TeacherAre you with one of the students?
PhoebeUh-huh, I'm with Ben.
The TeacherAre you one of Ben's mothers?
PhoebeI am one of Ben's mothers. I'm a lesbian. It was, it was difficult coming out to my parents.
The TeacherWell hi, I'm Jenny Boone. I'm a new teacher here.
PhoebeOh.
The TeacherI've only met your partner Carol.
PhoebeAh! Ok so, that would make me Susan.
The TeacherRight. Are you looking for Jack's parents to discuss the problems he's having with Ben? (Phoebe nods 'Yes.') Yeah. Because I really do think the parents sit down together and have a conversation.
PhoebeYeah! Let's do that! That-that sounds good. We should sit down and talk, just me, my lover Carol, and the Stings. Umm, now, how-how will I get in touch with them?
The TeacherOh, their number's on the contact sheet.
PhoebeUh-huh. Uh-huh. Umm, could-could I get a copy of that? 'Cause Carol threw it out, she lost ours. She's such a scatterbrain, but man what a hot piece of ass. A Street, Chandler and Monica are walking down the sidewalk after his office holiday party. ChandlerYou know, that party wasn't bad.
MonicaYeah! I didn't know there'd be dancing. That was a fun surprise!
ChandlerI don't see any uh, cabs. Maybe we should just walk?
MonicaOh no, we can't walk! No. (points) Hey, there's a cab!
ChandlerThat's a police car.
MonicaOh. Well maybe we could commit a crime, have 'em pick us up.
ChandlerIt's fifteen blocks to the subway. Come on.
MonicaHey! Do you think that we can get to the subway right there if we climb down to that manhole cover?
ChandlerWhat's going on?
MonicaI can't walk. Ok? Ok? These boots were a huge mistake!
ChandlerWhat?
MonicaOk you were right! All right, I never should've bought them! They're killing me! One toe at a time!
ChandlerSo, they're really tight huh?
MonicaI just said you were right sweety. Isn't it clear I'm delirious from the pain?
ChandlerSo I was right. This is what it feels like to be right. (Pause) It's oddly unsettling.
MonicaHow are we gonna get home? Maybe a piggyback ride?
ChandlerHoney, I don't think me getting on your back is gonna improve matters.
MonicaWow, being right sure doesn't help with the funny.
ChandlerHop on.
MonicaOk. Wait, just give me a second, Let me just get my boots off first of all. (She starts taking them off.) Ah...Ooh...Oohh...Ohh...Oh God...Ohh...Oh...Ohh...Ohhhh...
ChandlerHoney, I-I know you're in pain right now, but I'm a little turned on. Joey and Rachel's, Dina and Rachel are reading pregnancy books, Dina Pregnancy for Dummies and Rachel something else. DinaDo you ever worry that you'll be walking and your baby will just like slip out?
RachelWhat college was that Dina?
(Joey enters dragging a guy.)
DinaOh my God! Bobby!
BobbyHi Dina. Good to see you.
RachelJoey, what are you doing?
JoeyJust what needs to be done! Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman...
RachelOh Joey this is crazy!
JoeyDon't interrupt me when I'm talking to God! Now where were we? All right, ok. Do you Dina, take this man...
DinaNo!
JoeyOh you'll take him!
DinaNo I won't!
JoeyHey! You don't get a say in this!
DinaYes I do!
JoeyAhhh! I heard "I do", we're halfway there! Ok! (To Bobby) You!
RachelAll right, Joey! That is enough! (Grabs him and pulls him away from Bobby and Dina) Listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, it's not legal. Ok? They-they don't have a marriage license, they don't have any witnesses, and the groom only has on one shoe!
BobbyYeah, he took the other one off and hit me with it.
JoeyWell what am I supposed to do?
RachelYou're supposed to realize that they are adults! And that they can make their own decisions.
JoeyNo they can't! They were stupid enough to get knocked up!
RachelHeyyyyy! Contraceptives are not always effective! (To Bobby and Dina) Right?
BobbyYeah...we kinda didn't use any...
RachelOh, come on kids! A little help here! Sting's Apartment, Phoebe has come to talk about Jack and is waiting for Sting's wife, Trudie Styler, to enter. PhoebeWow! This place is incredible! (Gasps) Sting's pen...that he gave to Phoebe. (Puts the pen in her purse and goes over to a floor-to-ceiling bookcase) Come on! Secret passageway! (Starts pulling books at random as Trudie enters.)
Trudie StylerHi! (By the way, it's actually her.)
PhoebeHi!
Trudie StylerI'm Trudie.
PhoebeUh-huh.
Trudie StylerYou must be Ben's mum.
PhoebeWhy else would I be here?
Trudie StylerDo sit down.
PhoebeUh-huh. (They go and sit down.)
Trudie StylerI gather Jack and Ben haven't been getting along lately.
PhoebeYeah.
Trudie StylerI'm sure there are two sides to the story, but all I've heard is that Ben's a bit of a poo-poo head.
PhoebeUmm, I'm sorry. Won't-won't Jack's father be joining us?
Trudie StylerNo.
PhoebeOh, I see. Yeah you see, I think it will be better for the children, You know if all the parents were here. You know. Except for, you know Ben's birth mother and father.
Trudie StylerOh I'm sorry, Jack's father is not available.
PhoebeUh-hmm. Ok. Well then, could we reschedule? For say, Friday night perhaps at 8 o'clock?
Trudie StylerOh no, I know that wouldn't work. My husband's in concert.
PhoebeConcert. Yeah. That does put us in...quite a pickle. Because you see I'm very busy before and after the concert, and he's obviously busy during.
Trudie StylerSo, I guess you and I should talk about Jack and Ben right now.
PhoebeUnless! Unless umm, ok I-I would be willing to go to the concert, umm, all the while thinking about the children of course.
Trudie StylerAre you here for tickets?
PhoebeOh, thank you. Four would be great.
Trudie StylerI'm not giving concert tickets to someone who uses their son like this!
PhoebeOh there then you're in luck! Ben's not my son!
Trudie Styler(stands up) Look, I've just pressed a button, triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here!
PhoebeThe Police? Here? A reunion?! (She gets out her camera.) The Street, Chandler is carrying Monica past a store window. ChandlerOk, ten blocks down. Five to go.
Monica(notices something in the window) Oh wait! Stop! Stop! Stop!
ChandlerOh I'm sorry! Do you need a break?
MonicaMy boots in tan! Hey! Can you get a little closer so I can see the price?
ChandlerI can see it from right here. It'll cost you one husband.
MonicaOk, I'm sorry. I think I can walk the rest of the way now. Just-just give me my boots.
Chandler(pause) I don't have your boots.
MonicaWell I don't have them either. Where are they?
ChandlerWell, why don't you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay!
MonicaOk. (She gets off him.) God well, we gotta go back and get them!
ChandlerHoney, are you seriously ever gonna wear the boots again?
MonicaYes I am! Ok, They're very practical. I can wear them with pants or...
ChandlerHoney...Honey honey.
MonicaOk, I'm never gonna wear them again. I just didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
ChandlerYou know what? You can say goodbye to the tan ones.
MonicaOk. (Climbs back on his back.) All right.
ChandlerOk. (Moves closer to the window.)
Monica(to the boots) Bye boots-Wait! Half off?! (Chandler runs off.) Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are still discussing Bobby and Dina's situation. RachelJoey, just because they're not getting married doesn't mean this is gonna be a disaster. Maybe they have a plan!
JoeyOh? Oh! Ok! Ok! Let's hear their plan! Now, what's the future look like for Dina and Bobby?
BobbyWell...I really have high hopes for my band.
Joey(to Dina) You were right. He is funny.
RachelHey, now wait a minute! I bet when you told people at first that you wanted to be an actor they laughed at you! Now come on Bobby, why don't you tell us a little bit about your band?
BobbyWell it's just me and my pal Rooster, the band's name is Numb Nuts.
Rachel(To Dina) Really? (Nods her head at Bobby.)
JoeyDina, if you're having a baby you should be married! Even if it is to Bobby! (Bobby gets happy.) Dude, that's not a compliment!
DinaNo Joey! I knew you wouldn't be supportive!
JoeySo whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What're you gonna do? You're gonna have the baby and-and raise it by yourself...without a husband?! You can't be a single mother alone! You're gonna ruin your life!
RachelOh excuse me! Am I ruining my life?
JoeyNo! No! No! It's different for you. You-you're so strong and together. You're not some dumb kid who doesn't know what she's doing.
DinaExcuse me?
JoeyOne pregnant woman at a time, please! I just want you to be ok.
RachelSo forcing her to marry Bobby is gonna make that happen?
JoeyMaybe! (To Bobby) Yeah! Yeah...so-so uh, what kind of music does Numb Nuts-Oh forget it! I can't!
DinaJoey, I am scared to death about this. But I really think I can do it, I'm just gonna need some help. And Bobby's gonna be here the whole time.
BobbyYou bet I am! (To Joey) And answer your earlier question, we're straight up gangster rap. (Joey shakes his head as if he's about to lose it.)
DinaLook, Rachel's told me how much easier you've made all this on her. Why can't you do that for me?
JoeyBecause! 'Cause... 'Cause you're my baby sister!
DinaAnd you're my big brother! I mean, you're my favorite guy in the whole world. I'm not even scared to tell mom and dad. I was scared of telling you.
JoeyWell I'd be scared of them, but all right.
DinaJoey, I can't stand the thought of having this baby with you mad at me. I want him to have his uncle. Is my baby gonna have his Uncle Joey?
JoeyOf course he's gonna have his Uncle Joey!
DinaWe're gonna be all right. I mean, even if we're not married this baby is gonna be so loved. And not just by us.
JoeyThat's right! By his uncle too!
BobbyAnd by you.
RachelOk, Bobby, why don't we just come over here and let them have a little moment. (Drags Bobby away from Joey and Dina.) Ok.
JoeyCome here! (Hugs Dina and Bobby looks to hug Rachel.)
RachelNo! Seriously! What's wrong with you?! Central Perk, Phoebe is on the sofa practising chords on her guitar. Ross walks up behind her and leans in. RossGuess what? (Phoebe starts to scream, then to the people who have started to watch them) We're good, we're good, we know each other. (sits down) So uh, anyway, guess what?
PhoebeOh, there's more?
RossYou're gonna love me, so much. I got Sting tickets! (Holds up two.)
PhoebeOh my God! I do love you! How did you do it?!
RossWell...let's just say... (singing) Rosss caaaaan!
PhoebeOh, where are the seats?
RossUh, middle balcony.
PhoebeOk, now would you say that that's more than 50 yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?
RossYeah.
PhoebeThen that's not breaking the law! I'm there!

Teleplay by Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones; Story by Robert Carlock; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with additional material by Keith Owen; Annotated by ncp